Agatha Raisin (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Day the Floods Came - full transcript
How's it going?
Well, Carsely Advertiser
have taken photographs
for a feature.
And, the reporter has been
bribed with enough champers
to guarantee
an outrageously good review
for Barfield Hall
as a wedding venue.
Great!
Charles Fraith happy?
Client happy?
Client ecstatic.
- You don't sound as ecstatic.
Well, it's either
because I've got sciatica
from a yoga class that this one
signed me up for...
Namaste. That's yoga
for "You're welcome."
Very good.
Or it's because
I hate weddings.
- She don't mean that.
- I think I do.
Bye, Roy.
Looks like the bride
might hate weddings too.
If it's any consolation,
I cried my whole wedding day.
Really?
And you're still together?
Please say you are.
Yes! We are.
Children.
Grandchildren.
Mr. Raisin and I
couldn't be happier.
You all right, hon?
I am now, babes.
Thanks to this kind lady.
And Jo Jo,
thanks for the lend.
No worries.
Something borrowed, babes?
Catch you later.
You don't look old enough
to have grandchildren.
I'm not.
Well, I am, obviously,
because of what I said.
So now I'll hand you
over to Mr. Bernie Barrington.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Please, a toast
to the bride and groom.
Kylie and Zac.
- Kylie and Zac!
- Kylie and Zac!
...and Zac.
Now, I'd like to thank
Kylie's mother
for asking me
to give her away.
Freda, it was an honor.
I haven't known Kylie
all her life,
but I have known her
all her working life.
And, Zac,
she hates working.
I give it a year.
No, strike that.
Six months.
Stop it.
Seriously.
She was
in a right state earlier.
Look at him.
Looks like
he's waiting for...
The bus.
It must have been
so difficult, Freda,
bringing up a child
on your own.
This beautiful young lady.
That's God, that is, telling you
to stop being so depressing.
Agatha.
That's my name.
I think you've been avoiding me
since we kissed.
No, I haven't.
James, you know, it's fine.
You can relax.
I was a bit emotional,
and you were a shoulder
to cry on, literally.
Doesn't need to mean anything.
No, no.
That's how I feel.
Good.
Agatha.
Um, drive carefully.
There's been some flooding
in Evesham.
Right.
What happened?!
Come on!
Have a look!
What's going on?
No.
Kylie.
And ready, set, lift.
It's awful.
They've just taken the poor
girl's body out of the water.
Roy, this is...
A P.R. nightmare
for Barfield Manor -- I know.
Look, call Charles Fraith
and tell him not to worry
because you're gonna
look into it.
Mrs. Agatha Raisin.
What are you doing here?
As if I didn't already know.
Excuse me a minute, Roy.
You don't know.
I was just passing.
Course you were.
This is a police matter, so do
not start investigating it.
Do start investigating it.
Seriously, Agatha.
Best leave this one alone.
I definitely will.
I absolutely won't.
Bill.
I was at this girl's wedding.
You should question the groom,
Zac Leeson.
He looked like he didn't even
want to be at his own wedding.
I can't arrest a man
for looking like he doesn't
want to be at his own wedding.
A jury
generally prefers evidence.
I will find evidence.
I mean,
you will find evidence.
I'll just get on with my life.
The groom would be too obvious.
And anyway, all the signs
are this is suicide.
There's no murder
to investigate.
I don't think I can do it.
It's not even natural, anyway.
Come on.
- Brilliant.
- Aggie.
Rita knew Kylie.
I did.
She and her mother
came to my Saturday classes.
Really?
Really? Um...
Can I ask you a question?
What was Kylie like?
Very supple.
Sorry.
You mean...
She was lovely.
Did she ever seem depressed
to you?
No. She was very happy
to be getting married to Zac.
His dad, Terry, owns Rave,
the nightclub in Evesham.
Rave!
I love Rave.
I did most of
my teenage snogging in Rave.
Right.
Do you know --
Good old Rave.
Finished raving about Rave?
Thank you.
Do you know where we could
maybe find her mother?
Carsely police are saying
that my Kylie killed herself.
She'd never kill herself.
Not on her wedding day
or any other day.
It's really difficult
to say this, but...
Were they happy?
I told here she was too young
to get married,
but she never listened to me.
I was 22 when I got married.
To my ex-husband.
I'd really like to help,
Freda.
I was wrong about Zac.
That does not look
like the face of a man
who's about to murder his wife.
Maybe it was suicide.
Look, can we stop talking
about this?
I thought we were having
a business meeting.
I'm sorry, Charles.
I mean, what is
a mother losing a child
compared to you having
three weddings canceled?
What?
I wanted to say sorry
before you saw it on the news.
Kylie Stokes didn't drown.
She disappeared
after her wedding,
and at some point after that
she was killed,
and then her body
was deep-frozen,
then dumped in the river.
You were right.
It wasn't suicide.
It was murder.
It was murder.
What
Her body was deep-frozen
and dumped in the river.
Deep
That's horrible.
I have to talk to Zac.
- And to Kylie's friends.
- No.
I just think,
you shouldn't talk to anyone.
Just leave it to the police.
And what about your precious
wedding business, Charles?
Look, forget about
my bloody business.
I'm asking you, Agatha,
please,
not to get involved.
It's unlike Charles to get
so emotional, isn't it?
The only thing Charles
is so emotional about
is his bank balance,
whatever he says.
Here we go.
Look.
I'm here with Kylie Stokes'
brokenhearted bridesmaid.
Now, Sharon, can I ask
for your reaction
to the police announcement
that Kylie was murdered?
Yes.
It's just awful.
I worked with Kylie at
Barringtons, like we all did.
I loved that girl.
And can I ask your name?
Phyllis Heger,
purchase ledger clerk.
And model.
Kylie had two bridesmaids.
I met the other one briefly.
I need to talk to her.
And Zac.
And that awful Phyllis creature.
But without Wilkes
knowing about it.
Simples. Right?
You saw how desperate they were
to be on TV.
We could say that Roy
is the producer
of a new reality TV show
about what it's like
to be young in the Cotswolds.
Answer -- Dreadful.
They'll tell you everything
if they think
they're gonna be famous.
No, I like it.
"The Only Way is Evesham."
- "Made In Moreton-on-the-Marsh."
I'll say I'm doing P.R.
for your production company.
Yeah, and I could say
that, um,
I'm one of the stars
of the show,
like, um, sexiest cleaner
in the Cotswolds.
I mean, I won't say that.
In you go.
Hey.
What have you come has?
- TV producer.
They're your own clothes,
aren't they?
Yes.
Aww.
Can't believe I'm back in Rave.
I think I'd go after that barman
back in '02.
Look. Zac's dad.
Over there.
But where is Zac?
She's the one I spoke to
at the wedding. Look.
We'd like to order two of
our friend Kylie's, who died,
favorite cocktails.
Two screaming orgasms,
please.
You would look great
on camera.
What about me?
Hollywood.
So if we do
this show of yours,
what I want to know is...
Will you get paid?
Will I be able to release
my own perfume?
For defs.
This is a high-profile show,
especially with all the media
attention the town's getting
over the Kylie Stokes murder.
S- she was our friend.
I was on TV about that.
Yeah, do you know,
I was at the wedding
doing a little bit of P.R.
for another client.
Anyway.
And I don't want to gossip,
but it did not look to me
as if Zac Leeson
was particularly enjoying
his very special day.
What do you mean, gossip?
Look, I don't want to be on TV
about anything.
Kylie was my best friend.
And Zac too.
And we're both heartbroken
that she's gone.
Such a shame.
Shame. Tragic.
'Cause we were thinking, um,
a tragic love story.
- I was thinking that.
- "Romeo and Juliet."
- It would make great TV.
- Stands the test of time.
It would be.
- It would be totes emosh.
- Totes.
Kylie definitely loved Zac
and knew he was the one.
It was so romantic --
apart from when Phyllis
threatened to kill Kylie
for stealing Zac off her.
That wasn't so romantic.
So Phyllis and Zac
were a couple?
I thought
they were best friends.
Phyllis has a lot of friends.
She hated Kylie.
Phyllis...
...is a psycho.
I want you to leave.
You're upsetting Joanna
with all this talk
about my daughter-in-law,
and you're upsetting me.
Sorry.
It's just that
my client here is
about to embark on a new
reality television show,
and we were hoping
to feature your club.
And therefore we'd need to
talk to you and to Zac.
My son's in no state
to talk to anyone.
You leave my son alone.
Now would you kindly go?
Well, Zac looks
just fine to me.
I mean, really quite fine.
Look at his dad, though.
He looks well dodge.
Maybe he's just playing
the protective-father card.
Either way, were gonna have to
talk to that Phyllis girl.
Agatha.
Agatha.
Can you hear me?
Agatha.
Agatha.
Are you all right?
What are you doing here?
I was
following you.
I told you I was worried
about you
getting into danger,
and I was right.
Come on.
Okay?
Yeah.
Agatha, you need
to drop this case
before you get yourself killed.
Come on.
You sure
you're okay?
Yeah.
What's he up to?
- Bye, Agatha.
- See you later.
You okay?
What is it?
Come on.
Let's get you inside.
Okay.
Come on.
Let's get you inside.
Did Charlie call the police?
No.
Didn't even suggest it.
Ridiculous.
- Well, I will.
- No, no. Don't.
Don't tell Wilkes.
I told him
I wouldn't get involved.
Plus, with this
whole TV-scam thing,
I could very well be charged.
I'm not giving up.
I'm clearly onto something, and
I have to solve this one, James.
I need to talk to Zac
if I'm to rule him out.
And that awful
Phyllis Heger creature.
I'm coming with you.
No, it's okay.
Charlie said that he --
Well, he's not.
These are dangerous people.
And unlike Charles,
I was a soldier.
You're gonna be in very safe
hands with, James here,
who is our head of talent.
Like a posh Simon Cowell.
Yes.
Like a posh Simon Cowell.
Um, anyway, we, Phyllis,
are looking for a star.
You've found her, babes.
The search is over,
Posh Simon.
Hooray.
Big freezer.
Yeah,
what I was gonna say,
from a P.R. perspective,
as soon as someone new
is in the media,
the tabloids,
they are gonna start digging.
- Digging for secrets.
- Let 'em.
I've got no secrets.
I'm an open book, me.
Good.
Well, while we're
on the subject,
did you threaten to kill
Kylie Stokes?
What?
What's that got to do
with the TV show?
I just told you.
Yeah, I threatened her.
She stole my Zaccy.
I loved him.
But enough to kill Kylie?
No.
Miss Stokes made a few threats
of her own, I can tell you.
Do you want to tell us?
Little tart had an affair with
our boss, Bernie Barrington.
Bernie Barrington?!
Bernie Barrington who
gave her away at her wedding?
Exactly.
And when the old perv wanted to
finish it,
Kylie threatened to tell his
wife unless he paid her off.
Do you think you could get
a body in that freezer?
You think Phyllis did it?
Well, I think she's guilty
of being a brainless tart.
But a murderous brainless tart?
Who knows?
What about
Kylie blackmailing Barrington?
I know!
Phyllis is more than capable
of making that up.
Well,
if she didn't make it up,
then Barrington
is our prime suspect.
And a dirty old man.
But I'm hoping
that Kylie's best friend Joanna
can tell me the truth
about that.
Freda gave me her address,
so I'll go and see her now.
Alone.
Don't want you
to scare her off.
But thank you.
Your help was
very much appreciated today.
Nice hanging out with you,
Posh Simon.
See you later, Agatha.
Hi. I-I want to apologize
about the other night.
I know that you don't want
any involvement in the show,
but, well, if Kylie's story
comes up --
and it is bound to --
I just want to make sure
that it's dealt with properly.
Thank you.
Fields.
Is that the family business?
Was.
It was my granddad's old shop.
It's a bit spooky
living above it,
but it's so close
to Barringtons -- to work.
Agatha wants to ask
some questions about Kylie.
No, I'm -- I'm so sorry.
You should have asked me
to come back another time.
I really
don't want to disturb --
No, no.
You're not disturbing anything.
We were just looking
at the albums.
Thank you.
That was the year
we started school.
It's lovely.
I was the one that started them.
I kept them up.
I'm the nerd.
Kylie was busy living life.
Me and the six-year-old
Zac Leeson.
He asked me to go out with him
at morning break.
By lunchtime he dumped me
and went back out with Kylie.
Heartbreaker even then.
No, they're in order!
For God's sake,
it don't matter.
No.
Sorry.
I'm a bit on edge
at the minute.
We all are.
What did you want to ask us
about Kylie?
It can wait.
Really.
No.
It can wait.
You look after yourself,
Freda.
There was something you wanted
to ask, wasn't there?
No.
Now is not the time.
No, please, Agatha.
I want to know.
Okay.
Well, there is a rumor that --
that Kylie
was having an affair
with Bernie Barrington.
"You lying perverted bitch,
Raisin.
Coming!
You are just jealous because
she was young and beautiful,
you dried-up old spinster."
You're not dried up.
Or old.
Technically
you are a spinster.
- Hello.
- Hi, Bill.
What?
We've had a complaint from...
Freda Stokes.
Yes, tell me about it.
Well, I'm going to.
She wants you to stop meddling
in Kylie's case.
To be fair, Bill,
she very much wanted me
to meddle in Kylie's case.
I know,
but that has to stop now.
Also we've been getting reports
of TV people
asking a lot of questions
about Kylie's murder.
Vultures.
You see,
that's the media for you.
No shame.
Producer's an effeminate man
in his 40s?
40s?! No, he's not.
Is he?
I mean, I've worked in the media
for a while,
and I would say a producer
of a TV show like that
would be quite butch,
probably in his early 30s.
Anything else
you'd like to tell me?
No.
Right.
Well...
You should have told him
about Barrington and Kylie.
After we've talked
to Barrington ourselves.
No, you can't talk
to Barrington, remember,
or anyone else
about Kylie's case.
No, I can't.
But you can.
You need to talk to him
and flatter him
into taking part
in the television show.
Not on your own.
Barrington could be a killer.
I'll go with you.
James, no offense --
I mean, you may have been
an exemplary soldier --
but you are
the least convincing
fake reality-television
producer ever.
This is a job
for an accomplished liar,
someone with absolutely no
morals or scruples whatsoever.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Every show needs a precinct --
a Central Perk, a Queen Vic,
a Rovers Return.
Or something that isn't a pub
or a coffee shop could work too.
Like the offices of a company
that sells computer software
to accountants.
Like Barringtons.
Could be good for business.
You know, Bernie, I see you
as a Cotswolds Alan Sugar.
You're fired.
Actually, you're not fired,
little lady.
You're promoted.
And I am gonna slip you
a great big bonus.
Agatha, I was wondering if you'd
like to come over to Barfield.
- Have a bite of supper.
Update me on the case.
Charlie, this isn't another
of your lame excuses
to get me over to your house
so you can make
another pass at me, is it?
Because I'm telling you,
you are wasting your time.
- Charlie loves a challenge.
- Yes, I know he does.
Although thanks to Freda Stokes
I seem to have
bumped myself off the case.
All right!
I'll see you later.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, I'll get
straight to the point.
We are having an exhibition
of old photographs
of Carsely and Evesham,
and would you mind helping out
at the tea stall?
Everyone else has said no.
Why has everyone else
said no to that?
No.
Agatha.
You're always moaning about
being made to feel like
you're an outsider.
Well, you always will be
unless you get involved
in village life.
Okay.
That's the spirit.
You're fired.
- You're funny.
. Ha ha.
She's a tease.
Ciao for now.
Psst!
What?
He didn't see me.
I just wanted to see
how you were getting on.
How did you get on?
I told you
he could be a killer,
and I wanted to make sure that
Gemma and Roy had protection.
Well, once he'd finished
trying to feel me up,
I gave him the whole "You can't
have skeletons in the closet
if you want to be
the Cotswolds Alan Sugar" line
and asked him if it was true
that Kylie was blackmailing him.
- He denied it.
Our frozen bride Kylie
couldn't blackmail Barrington,
because his wife already knew
they were having an affair.
In fact it was his wife's idea
to give Kylie the 15 grand.
As a wedding present.
And as a thank-you
for having sex with Bernie
so that she didn't have to
have sex with Bernie.
Freda,
before you say anything,
firstly I want to apologize
for any hurt
that I may have caused you.
And secondly I think
that you should hear this.
There it is.
15 grand from Barrington.
Kylie,
what were you thinking?
So who killed my girl?
I don't know.
No.
The day before the wedding,
she received five grand
from Charlie Fraith.
You need to tell the police.
Charles is one of
my oldest friends.
I can't believe
he's a murderer.
Well, exactly, which is why --
But old friend or not,
it's not looking good.
He was all over the place
when you told him
that Kylie was murdered.
He kept badgering you
to drop the case
and didn't even call the police
when you got mugged
in the street.
And he gave
the victim £5,000.
Listen, I'm sure there is
a perfectly innocent explanation
for that money.
Well, there's probably
a very guilty explanation,
but I'm pretty certain it
doesn't involve killing anyone.
So I am going to
go to his house,
we're gonna have dinner, and I'm
gonna talk to him about it.
But surely him inviting you
to dinner --
Isn't that suspicious
in the first place?
Well, not really, no.
It's just a ruse
to get me over there
so he can make a pass at me.
So, James, how do I look?
Really lovely.
Thank you.
You're good for me,
Charlie Fraith.
Well, I think I'd rather be
bad for you.
What are you like?
This is really delicious.
What is it?
I don't know. Just something
I got out of the freezer.
- Yeah.
I think I need some water.
No, it's okay.
I- I...
I need to go to the toilet,
anyway.
- Just twist.
- Yeah.
What are you doing in here?
I was just...
Pop-Tarts are great,
aren't they?
I need to go and get
some Pop-Tarts right now.
Well -- But you haven't
had your dinner.
And, um,
you can have those Pop-Tarts.
I only bought them
for my nephew.
I- I'd quite like to have
my own Pop-Tarts.
- I'm funny like that.
You should probably get that.
I don't want to.
Charlie?
Charlie?
I- I was just in the area,
and I suddenly thought
maybe Agatha needs a lift home.
And you were right.
So, well done.
Your car's just there.
And you've only had one drink.
But I was predrinking.
"Prinking."
I probably shouldn't have
driven that car.
Bye, Charlie.
So, what are
we looking out for?
Anything out of the ordinary.
Suspicious behavior.
What's the matter?
It's...
I don't know.
Something familiar
about Joanna's dress.
Whiskey?
I, - I think I might
have something to eat
before I start on the whiskey.
Surprised that Freda could
afford Barfield for the wake.
She couldn't.
I gave it to her for free.
Did you?
That's very kind of you.
To be honest...
...I'm feeling guilty.
Why do you feel guilty,
Charlie?
Something borrowed.
I'm sorry?
- Joanna.
- Not now, please.
I was just gonna say
it's a beautiful dress.
Yeah, it is.
Local designer from Cheltenham.
My favorite.
It's, very similar
to Kylie's wedding dress.
The fabric.
The detail, even.
Is that the something
she borrowed from you?
Sure, um...
Freda didn't have enough money
for a nice dress,
and I wanted Kylie to look
beautiful on her big day, so...
Aww.
Why did you have
a wedding dress?
Have you been married before?
No.
Well, almost.
I bought it when I thought
that this man loved me enough
to ask me to marry him.
Turns out
he didn't love me at all.
Who was that, then?
Sorry, I probably
shouldn't have asked that.
You're right.
You shouldn't.
But?
It was Terry Leeson.
Zac's dad.
But, please, it's a secret.
Terry would hate Zac to know
that he was sleeping with
one of Zac's friends.
- Yeah, you're right.
- You know it makes sense.
Charlie,
I owe you an apology.
You're clearly
in some kind of trouble,
and I should be helping.
But the truth is,
my feelings for Agatha
are getting in the way.
Sir Charles Fraith.
Acting on information
supplied anonymously,
we are arresting you
on suspicion
of the murder of Kylie Stokes.
- I called them in.
I'm sorry, but I had to.
- You're making a mistake.
- No, you're making a mistake.
Unless you want to be arrested
for withholding evidence.
Agatha Raisin.
Don't turn around.
My dad'll see.
I need to talk to you.
I've got to talk to someone.
Meet me at the church tonight
around 11:00.
Please, just be there.
It's a big shock.
It's a big shock.
The mike should be live now.
Can you hear me, Agatha?
Yes.
Testing, testing.
Ground control to D.C. Wong.
Can you hear me, D.C. Wong?
Okay, the Reverend and
Mrs. Bloxby should leave now.
It's almost time.
The Reverend and Mrs. Bloxby
should leave now,
for it is almost time.
Thank you for turning my church
into a crime scene, Agatha.
I didn't ask Zac to meet me
here, Your Holiness.
I shall put some money
in the little envelope.
Jez is a vicar, not the pope.
Semantics.
Your Grace.
- God.
Sor-- Sorry.
Station had a call
from Terry Leeson.
He's reported Zac missing.
Terry.
Can we talk?
You're the last person
I want to talk to.
I'm calling the police.
No, no, no.
Please, don't do that.
You know that Zac had asked
to speak me last night?
They told me, yeah.
Right, any ideas about
what he may have wanted to
talk to me about?
I have no idea why anyone would
want to talk to you people.
I know about you
and Joanna Field.
What?
She told me.
Yesterday.
That you and her had
had a relationship.
Me and Joanna
had a relationship?
You crazy?
I used to pick that kid up
from nursery.
What kind of perverted nonsense
are you making up now?
I understand why you wouldn't
want Zac to know about --
You come near me
or my son again,
and I promise you,
I will hurt you.
Where are you?
You promised to help out
with the tea stall
at the photo exhibition.
I can't believe I'm at some
dismal photography exhibition
when I should be out
cracking the case.
Terry Leeson's up to something.
I know it.
Leave the police work
to the police, Agatha.
Anyway,
speaking as a historian,
I find
the exhibition fascinating.
Really?
Well, speaking as
a normal person,
I find it profoundly dull.
Agatha, Mr. Green would like to
give you a personal tour
as a thank-you for helping out.
What a very nice thank-you
that is, too.
- I will have my revenge.
- I know.
And here
is the old town library,
which, interestingly,
was on a different site
to the new town library.
That's amazing.
Who'd have thought it?
Right, let's talk me through
this one, then, shall we?
No, I haven't finished
talking you through this one.
I think you have.
That?
No particular interest there.
Wyvern Street, Evesham,
in the 1970s.
Featuring the old
Barringtons building.
The old what?
What
Now, if you don't mind, I should
probably be packing up.
Not so hasty, Mr. Green.
Wait a minute.
- That's Fields.
Fields.
Yes, Fields.
Family butchers.
Though, to be honest,
I used to prefer
Dowies on the high street.
Their sirloin
was wonderful.
Butchers have freezers,
Mr. Green.
- Butchers have freezers!
Well, yes, I would hope so.
Otherwise,
the threat to public health
would be unimaginable.
Joanna?
Joanna?
Joanna.
Joanna!
Please, God.
Let it just be Pop-Tarts.
Aah!
I knew something wasn't right
at the club
when you started
asking questions about Kylie.
And then Freda tells me
the famous Agatha Raisin is
investigating Kylie's murder.
I tried to shut you up then.
It was you.
You that hit me
in the street.
Did you kill Kylie Stokes?
I loved Zac.
He said he loved me.
And then that little tart
stole him from me,
like she's stolen everything
from me
ever since
I was in kindergarten.
So, yes.
I killed Kylie.
The great thing about
your granddad being a butcher,
apart from the free sausages,
is you learn
how to use a knife.
To cut up a carcass.
Or even a body.
Straight to voice mail.
Let's go to Fields.
Wait!
If anyone could,
get a snap of Fields,
I should be very grateful.
You know, me and Zac
were having an affair
right up until the day
he asked her to marry him.
And a good few days after.
I said to him,
"I hope I don't get
too drunk at the wedding
and tell all of your guests
that you've been shagging
one of the bridesmaids."
Which is why
he was looking so shifty.
'Cause he thought you
were gonna spill the beans.
Poor, gullible Zac.
Him and Kylie came over
the day after the wedding
to return the dress.
Smug bitch crowing about
the happiest day of her life.
22 years of being second best.
I snapped.
I went for her.
Zac pulled her off me.
Whack!
She hits her head.
Zac knew
it looked bad for us,
but of course he wants to
go to the police.
I said, "Yeah, sure, okay.
You go to the police,
and I will tell everybody
about our affair
and that
you did it deliberately."
And then that night,
when the floods came,
we dumped her in the river.
In your wedding dress.
Nice touch?
That was my idea.
Aah!
And then yesterday
Zac comes 'round,
and he tells me that he's gonna
see you and tell you everything.
So I pushed him in here
and froze him to death.
- Get back!
- Drop the knife!
I'll do it!
I'll kill her!
Calm down.
Calm down.
- Get back.
- Put the knife down.
- No!
- No!
No!
Kylie came to see me
a week before the wedding.
But for someone wanting to
talk quotes from caterers,
she was wearing very little.
She made a pass at me,
and, I couldn't resist.
Well, you could.
But you didn't.
Well.
So we were kissing
and getting a little fruity,
and suddenly she's shouting,
not in a good way.
She's saying
I've assaulted her
and that the only thing
stopping her going to the police
is if I promise to reduce the
price of the wedding reception
by £5,000.
Well, at £5,000,
that was a very expensive snog.
To be honest, we might have got
a little bit further than --
That's enough.
Spare the ladies
the gory details.
No, this lady
wants the gory details.
No, better not.
Okay.
This lady's
putting the kettle on, then.
And this gentleman's
gonna come with you.
I'd just like to say
that, um...
...I don't have
any feelings.
Yes, I think we all know that,
Charlie.
I mean, at least not like
the ones we were talking about.
So...
Good luck.
What was all that about?
Absolutely no idea.
- How old --
- Do --
Um, no,
I was just gonna say,
how old were you
when you got married?
Me?
Old enough to know better.
Do you have any regrets?
I don't really
believe in regret.
I think if you make a mistake,
you should just try
not to make it again.
Yeah.
You're right.
I'm gonna
stay single forever.
Right.
Where's that tea?
Well, Carsely Advertiser
have taken photographs
for a feature.
And, the reporter has been
bribed with enough champers
to guarantee
an outrageously good review
for Barfield Hall
as a wedding venue.
Great!
Charles Fraith happy?
Client happy?
Client ecstatic.
- You don't sound as ecstatic.
Well, it's either
because I've got sciatica
from a yoga class that this one
signed me up for...
Namaste. That's yoga
for "You're welcome."
Very good.
Or it's because
I hate weddings.
- She don't mean that.
- I think I do.
Bye, Roy.
Looks like the bride
might hate weddings too.
If it's any consolation,
I cried my whole wedding day.
Really?
And you're still together?
Please say you are.
Yes! We are.
Children.
Grandchildren.
Mr. Raisin and I
couldn't be happier.
You all right, hon?
I am now, babes.
Thanks to this kind lady.
And Jo Jo,
thanks for the lend.
No worries.
Something borrowed, babes?
Catch you later.
You don't look old enough
to have grandchildren.
I'm not.
Well, I am, obviously,
because of what I said.
So now I'll hand you
over to Mr. Bernie Barrington.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Please, a toast
to the bride and groom.
Kylie and Zac.
- Kylie and Zac!
- Kylie and Zac!
...and Zac.
Now, I'd like to thank
Kylie's mother
for asking me
to give her away.
Freda, it was an honor.
I haven't known Kylie
all her life,
but I have known her
all her working life.
And, Zac,
she hates working.
I give it a year.
No, strike that.
Six months.
Stop it.
Seriously.
She was
in a right state earlier.
Look at him.
Looks like
he's waiting for...
The bus.
It must have been
so difficult, Freda,
bringing up a child
on your own.
This beautiful young lady.
That's God, that is, telling you
to stop being so depressing.
Agatha.
That's my name.
I think you've been avoiding me
since we kissed.
No, I haven't.
James, you know, it's fine.
You can relax.
I was a bit emotional,
and you were a shoulder
to cry on, literally.
Doesn't need to mean anything.
No, no.
That's how I feel.
Good.
Agatha.
Um, drive carefully.
There's been some flooding
in Evesham.
Right.
What happened?!
Come on!
Have a look!
What's going on?
No.
Kylie.
And ready, set, lift.
It's awful.
They've just taken the poor
girl's body out of the water.
Roy, this is...
A P.R. nightmare
for Barfield Manor -- I know.
Look, call Charles Fraith
and tell him not to worry
because you're gonna
look into it.
Mrs. Agatha Raisin.
What are you doing here?
As if I didn't already know.
Excuse me a minute, Roy.
You don't know.
I was just passing.
Course you were.
This is a police matter, so do
not start investigating it.
Do start investigating it.
Seriously, Agatha.
Best leave this one alone.
I definitely will.
I absolutely won't.
Bill.
I was at this girl's wedding.
You should question the groom,
Zac Leeson.
He looked like he didn't even
want to be at his own wedding.
I can't arrest a man
for looking like he doesn't
want to be at his own wedding.
A jury
generally prefers evidence.
I will find evidence.
I mean,
you will find evidence.
I'll just get on with my life.
The groom would be too obvious.
And anyway, all the signs
are this is suicide.
There's no murder
to investigate.
I don't think I can do it.
It's not even natural, anyway.
Come on.
- Brilliant.
- Aggie.
Rita knew Kylie.
I did.
She and her mother
came to my Saturday classes.
Really?
Really? Um...
Can I ask you a question?
What was Kylie like?
Very supple.
Sorry.
You mean...
She was lovely.
Did she ever seem depressed
to you?
No. She was very happy
to be getting married to Zac.
His dad, Terry, owns Rave,
the nightclub in Evesham.
Rave!
I love Rave.
I did most of
my teenage snogging in Rave.
Right.
Do you know --
Good old Rave.
Finished raving about Rave?
Thank you.
Do you know where we could
maybe find her mother?
Carsely police are saying
that my Kylie killed herself.
She'd never kill herself.
Not on her wedding day
or any other day.
It's really difficult
to say this, but...
Were they happy?
I told here she was too young
to get married,
but she never listened to me.
I was 22 when I got married.
To my ex-husband.
I'd really like to help,
Freda.
I was wrong about Zac.
That does not look
like the face of a man
who's about to murder his wife.
Maybe it was suicide.
Look, can we stop talking
about this?
I thought we were having
a business meeting.
I'm sorry, Charles.
I mean, what is
a mother losing a child
compared to you having
three weddings canceled?
What?
I wanted to say sorry
before you saw it on the news.
Kylie Stokes didn't drown.
She disappeared
after her wedding,
and at some point after that
she was killed,
and then her body
was deep-frozen,
then dumped in the river.
You were right.
It wasn't suicide.
It was murder.
It was murder.
What
Her body was deep-frozen
and dumped in the river.
Deep
That's horrible.
I have to talk to Zac.
- And to Kylie's friends.
- No.
I just think,
you shouldn't talk to anyone.
Just leave it to the police.
And what about your precious
wedding business, Charles?
Look, forget about
my bloody business.
I'm asking you, Agatha,
please,
not to get involved.
It's unlike Charles to get
so emotional, isn't it?
The only thing Charles
is so emotional about
is his bank balance,
whatever he says.
Here we go.
Look.
I'm here with Kylie Stokes'
brokenhearted bridesmaid.
Now, Sharon, can I ask
for your reaction
to the police announcement
that Kylie was murdered?
Yes.
It's just awful.
I worked with Kylie at
Barringtons, like we all did.
I loved that girl.
And can I ask your name?
Phyllis Heger,
purchase ledger clerk.
And model.
Kylie had two bridesmaids.
I met the other one briefly.
I need to talk to her.
And Zac.
And that awful Phyllis creature.
But without Wilkes
knowing about it.
Simples. Right?
You saw how desperate they were
to be on TV.
We could say that Roy
is the producer
of a new reality TV show
about what it's like
to be young in the Cotswolds.
Answer -- Dreadful.
They'll tell you everything
if they think
they're gonna be famous.
No, I like it.
"The Only Way is Evesham."
- "Made In Moreton-on-the-Marsh."
I'll say I'm doing P.R.
for your production company.
Yeah, and I could say
that, um,
I'm one of the stars
of the show,
like, um, sexiest cleaner
in the Cotswolds.
I mean, I won't say that.
In you go.
Hey.
What have you come has?
- TV producer.
They're your own clothes,
aren't they?
Yes.
Aww.
Can't believe I'm back in Rave.
I think I'd go after that barman
back in '02.
Look. Zac's dad.
Over there.
But where is Zac?
She's the one I spoke to
at the wedding. Look.
We'd like to order two of
our friend Kylie's, who died,
favorite cocktails.
Two screaming orgasms,
please.
You would look great
on camera.
What about me?
Hollywood.
So if we do
this show of yours,
what I want to know is...
Will you get paid?
Will I be able to release
my own perfume?
For defs.
This is a high-profile show,
especially with all the media
attention the town's getting
over the Kylie Stokes murder.
S- she was our friend.
I was on TV about that.
Yeah, do you know,
I was at the wedding
doing a little bit of P.R.
for another client.
Anyway.
And I don't want to gossip,
but it did not look to me
as if Zac Leeson
was particularly enjoying
his very special day.
What do you mean, gossip?
Look, I don't want to be on TV
about anything.
Kylie was my best friend.
And Zac too.
And we're both heartbroken
that she's gone.
Such a shame.
Shame. Tragic.
'Cause we were thinking, um,
a tragic love story.
- I was thinking that.
- "Romeo and Juliet."
- It would make great TV.
- Stands the test of time.
It would be.
- It would be totes emosh.
- Totes.
Kylie definitely loved Zac
and knew he was the one.
It was so romantic --
apart from when Phyllis
threatened to kill Kylie
for stealing Zac off her.
That wasn't so romantic.
So Phyllis and Zac
were a couple?
I thought
they were best friends.
Phyllis has a lot of friends.
She hated Kylie.
Phyllis...
...is a psycho.
I want you to leave.
You're upsetting Joanna
with all this talk
about my daughter-in-law,
and you're upsetting me.
Sorry.
It's just that
my client here is
about to embark on a new
reality television show,
and we were hoping
to feature your club.
And therefore we'd need to
talk to you and to Zac.
My son's in no state
to talk to anyone.
You leave my son alone.
Now would you kindly go?
Well, Zac looks
just fine to me.
I mean, really quite fine.
Look at his dad, though.
He looks well dodge.
Maybe he's just playing
the protective-father card.
Either way, were gonna have to
talk to that Phyllis girl.
Agatha.
Agatha.
Can you hear me?
Agatha.
Agatha.
Are you all right?
What are you doing here?
I was
following you.
I told you I was worried
about you
getting into danger,
and I was right.
Come on.
Okay?
Yeah.
Agatha, you need
to drop this case
before you get yourself killed.
Come on.
You sure
you're okay?
Yeah.
What's he up to?
- Bye, Agatha.
- See you later.
You okay?
What is it?
Come on.
Let's get you inside.
Okay.
Come on.
Let's get you inside.
Did Charlie call the police?
No.
Didn't even suggest it.
Ridiculous.
- Well, I will.
- No, no. Don't.
Don't tell Wilkes.
I told him
I wouldn't get involved.
Plus, with this
whole TV-scam thing,
I could very well be charged.
I'm not giving up.
I'm clearly onto something, and
I have to solve this one, James.
I need to talk to Zac
if I'm to rule him out.
And that awful
Phyllis Heger creature.
I'm coming with you.
No, it's okay.
Charlie said that he --
Well, he's not.
These are dangerous people.
And unlike Charles,
I was a soldier.
You're gonna be in very safe
hands with, James here,
who is our head of talent.
Like a posh Simon Cowell.
Yes.
Like a posh Simon Cowell.
Um, anyway, we, Phyllis,
are looking for a star.
You've found her, babes.
The search is over,
Posh Simon.
Hooray.
Big freezer.
Yeah,
what I was gonna say,
from a P.R. perspective,
as soon as someone new
is in the media,
the tabloids,
they are gonna start digging.
- Digging for secrets.
- Let 'em.
I've got no secrets.
I'm an open book, me.
Good.
Well, while we're
on the subject,
did you threaten to kill
Kylie Stokes?
What?
What's that got to do
with the TV show?
I just told you.
Yeah, I threatened her.
She stole my Zaccy.
I loved him.
But enough to kill Kylie?
No.
Miss Stokes made a few threats
of her own, I can tell you.
Do you want to tell us?
Little tart had an affair with
our boss, Bernie Barrington.
Bernie Barrington?!
Bernie Barrington who
gave her away at her wedding?
Exactly.
And when the old perv wanted to
finish it,
Kylie threatened to tell his
wife unless he paid her off.
Do you think you could get
a body in that freezer?
You think Phyllis did it?
Well, I think she's guilty
of being a brainless tart.
But a murderous brainless tart?
Who knows?
What about
Kylie blackmailing Barrington?
I know!
Phyllis is more than capable
of making that up.
Well,
if she didn't make it up,
then Barrington
is our prime suspect.
And a dirty old man.
But I'm hoping
that Kylie's best friend Joanna
can tell me the truth
about that.
Freda gave me her address,
so I'll go and see her now.
Alone.
Don't want you
to scare her off.
But thank you.
Your help was
very much appreciated today.
Nice hanging out with you,
Posh Simon.
See you later, Agatha.
Hi. I-I want to apologize
about the other night.
I know that you don't want
any involvement in the show,
but, well, if Kylie's story
comes up --
and it is bound to --
I just want to make sure
that it's dealt with properly.
Thank you.
Fields.
Is that the family business?
Was.
It was my granddad's old shop.
It's a bit spooky
living above it,
but it's so close
to Barringtons -- to work.
Agatha wants to ask
some questions about Kylie.
No, I'm -- I'm so sorry.
You should have asked me
to come back another time.
I really
don't want to disturb --
No, no.
You're not disturbing anything.
We were just looking
at the albums.
Thank you.
That was the year
we started school.
It's lovely.
I was the one that started them.
I kept them up.
I'm the nerd.
Kylie was busy living life.
Me and the six-year-old
Zac Leeson.
He asked me to go out with him
at morning break.
By lunchtime he dumped me
and went back out with Kylie.
Heartbreaker even then.
No, they're in order!
For God's sake,
it don't matter.
No.
Sorry.
I'm a bit on edge
at the minute.
We all are.
What did you want to ask us
about Kylie?
It can wait.
Really.
No.
It can wait.
You look after yourself,
Freda.
There was something you wanted
to ask, wasn't there?
No.
Now is not the time.
No, please, Agatha.
I want to know.
Okay.
Well, there is a rumor that --
that Kylie
was having an affair
with Bernie Barrington.
"You lying perverted bitch,
Raisin.
Coming!
You are just jealous because
she was young and beautiful,
you dried-up old spinster."
You're not dried up.
Or old.
Technically
you are a spinster.
- Hello.
- Hi, Bill.
What?
We've had a complaint from...
Freda Stokes.
Yes, tell me about it.
Well, I'm going to.
She wants you to stop meddling
in Kylie's case.
To be fair, Bill,
she very much wanted me
to meddle in Kylie's case.
I know,
but that has to stop now.
Also we've been getting reports
of TV people
asking a lot of questions
about Kylie's murder.
Vultures.
You see,
that's the media for you.
No shame.
Producer's an effeminate man
in his 40s?
40s?! No, he's not.
Is he?
I mean, I've worked in the media
for a while,
and I would say a producer
of a TV show like that
would be quite butch,
probably in his early 30s.
Anything else
you'd like to tell me?
No.
Right.
Well...
You should have told him
about Barrington and Kylie.
After we've talked
to Barrington ourselves.
No, you can't talk
to Barrington, remember,
or anyone else
about Kylie's case.
No, I can't.
But you can.
You need to talk to him
and flatter him
into taking part
in the television show.
Not on your own.
Barrington could be a killer.
I'll go with you.
James, no offense --
I mean, you may have been
an exemplary soldier --
but you are
the least convincing
fake reality-television
producer ever.
This is a job
for an accomplished liar,
someone with absolutely no
morals or scruples whatsoever.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Every show needs a precinct --
a Central Perk, a Queen Vic,
a Rovers Return.
Or something that isn't a pub
or a coffee shop could work too.
Like the offices of a company
that sells computer software
to accountants.
Like Barringtons.
Could be good for business.
You know, Bernie, I see you
as a Cotswolds Alan Sugar.
You're fired.
Actually, you're not fired,
little lady.
You're promoted.
And I am gonna slip you
a great big bonus.
Agatha, I was wondering if you'd
like to come over to Barfield.
- Have a bite of supper.
Update me on the case.
Charlie, this isn't another
of your lame excuses
to get me over to your house
so you can make
another pass at me, is it?
Because I'm telling you,
you are wasting your time.
- Charlie loves a challenge.
- Yes, I know he does.
Although thanks to Freda Stokes
I seem to have
bumped myself off the case.
All right!
I'll see you later.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, I'll get
straight to the point.
We are having an exhibition
of old photographs
of Carsely and Evesham,
and would you mind helping out
at the tea stall?
Everyone else has said no.
Why has everyone else
said no to that?
No.
Agatha.
You're always moaning about
being made to feel like
you're an outsider.
Well, you always will be
unless you get involved
in village life.
Okay.
That's the spirit.
You're fired.
- You're funny.
. Ha ha.
She's a tease.
Ciao for now.
Psst!
What?
He didn't see me.
I just wanted to see
how you were getting on.
How did you get on?
I told you
he could be a killer,
and I wanted to make sure that
Gemma and Roy had protection.
Well, once he'd finished
trying to feel me up,
I gave him the whole "You can't
have skeletons in the closet
if you want to be
the Cotswolds Alan Sugar" line
and asked him if it was true
that Kylie was blackmailing him.
- He denied it.
Our frozen bride Kylie
couldn't blackmail Barrington,
because his wife already knew
they were having an affair.
In fact it was his wife's idea
to give Kylie the 15 grand.
As a wedding present.
And as a thank-you
for having sex with Bernie
so that she didn't have to
have sex with Bernie.
Freda,
before you say anything,
firstly I want to apologize
for any hurt
that I may have caused you.
And secondly I think
that you should hear this.
There it is.
15 grand from Barrington.
Kylie,
what were you thinking?
So who killed my girl?
I don't know.
No.
The day before the wedding,
she received five grand
from Charlie Fraith.
You need to tell the police.
Charles is one of
my oldest friends.
I can't believe
he's a murderer.
Well, exactly, which is why --
But old friend or not,
it's not looking good.
He was all over the place
when you told him
that Kylie was murdered.
He kept badgering you
to drop the case
and didn't even call the police
when you got mugged
in the street.
And he gave
the victim £5,000.
Listen, I'm sure there is
a perfectly innocent explanation
for that money.
Well, there's probably
a very guilty explanation,
but I'm pretty certain it
doesn't involve killing anyone.
So I am going to
go to his house,
we're gonna have dinner, and I'm
gonna talk to him about it.
But surely him inviting you
to dinner --
Isn't that suspicious
in the first place?
Well, not really, no.
It's just a ruse
to get me over there
so he can make a pass at me.
So, James, how do I look?
Really lovely.
Thank you.
You're good for me,
Charlie Fraith.
Well, I think I'd rather be
bad for you.
What are you like?
This is really delicious.
What is it?
I don't know. Just something
I got out of the freezer.
- Yeah.
I think I need some water.
No, it's okay.
I- I...
I need to go to the toilet,
anyway.
- Just twist.
- Yeah.
What are you doing in here?
I was just...
Pop-Tarts are great,
aren't they?
I need to go and get
some Pop-Tarts right now.
Well -- But you haven't
had your dinner.
And, um,
you can have those Pop-Tarts.
I only bought them
for my nephew.
I- I'd quite like to have
my own Pop-Tarts.
- I'm funny like that.
You should probably get that.
I don't want to.
Charlie?
Charlie?
I- I was just in the area,
and I suddenly thought
maybe Agatha needs a lift home.
And you were right.
So, well done.
Your car's just there.
And you've only had one drink.
But I was predrinking.
"Prinking."
I probably shouldn't have
driven that car.
Bye, Charlie.
So, what are
we looking out for?
Anything out of the ordinary.
Suspicious behavior.
What's the matter?
It's...
I don't know.
Something familiar
about Joanna's dress.
Whiskey?
I, - I think I might
have something to eat
before I start on the whiskey.
Surprised that Freda could
afford Barfield for the wake.
She couldn't.
I gave it to her for free.
Did you?
That's very kind of you.
To be honest...
...I'm feeling guilty.
Why do you feel guilty,
Charlie?
Something borrowed.
I'm sorry?
- Joanna.
- Not now, please.
I was just gonna say
it's a beautiful dress.
Yeah, it is.
Local designer from Cheltenham.
My favorite.
It's, very similar
to Kylie's wedding dress.
The fabric.
The detail, even.
Is that the something
she borrowed from you?
Sure, um...
Freda didn't have enough money
for a nice dress,
and I wanted Kylie to look
beautiful on her big day, so...
Aww.
Why did you have
a wedding dress?
Have you been married before?
No.
Well, almost.
I bought it when I thought
that this man loved me enough
to ask me to marry him.
Turns out
he didn't love me at all.
Who was that, then?
Sorry, I probably
shouldn't have asked that.
You're right.
You shouldn't.
But?
It was Terry Leeson.
Zac's dad.
But, please, it's a secret.
Terry would hate Zac to know
that he was sleeping with
one of Zac's friends.
- Yeah, you're right.
- You know it makes sense.
Charlie,
I owe you an apology.
You're clearly
in some kind of trouble,
and I should be helping.
But the truth is,
my feelings for Agatha
are getting in the way.
Sir Charles Fraith.
Acting on information
supplied anonymously,
we are arresting you
on suspicion
of the murder of Kylie Stokes.
- I called them in.
I'm sorry, but I had to.
- You're making a mistake.
- No, you're making a mistake.
Unless you want to be arrested
for withholding evidence.
Agatha Raisin.
Don't turn around.
My dad'll see.
I need to talk to you.
I've got to talk to someone.
Meet me at the church tonight
around 11:00.
Please, just be there.
It's a big shock.
It's a big shock.
The mike should be live now.
Can you hear me, Agatha?
Yes.
Testing, testing.
Ground control to D.C. Wong.
Can you hear me, D.C. Wong?
Okay, the Reverend and
Mrs. Bloxby should leave now.
It's almost time.
The Reverend and Mrs. Bloxby
should leave now,
for it is almost time.
Thank you for turning my church
into a crime scene, Agatha.
I didn't ask Zac to meet me
here, Your Holiness.
I shall put some money
in the little envelope.
Jez is a vicar, not the pope.
Semantics.
Your Grace.
- God.
Sor-- Sorry.
Station had a call
from Terry Leeson.
He's reported Zac missing.
Terry.
Can we talk?
You're the last person
I want to talk to.
I'm calling the police.
No, no, no.
Please, don't do that.
You know that Zac had asked
to speak me last night?
They told me, yeah.
Right, any ideas about
what he may have wanted to
talk to me about?
I have no idea why anyone would
want to talk to you people.
I know about you
and Joanna Field.
What?
She told me.
Yesterday.
That you and her had
had a relationship.
Me and Joanna
had a relationship?
You crazy?
I used to pick that kid up
from nursery.
What kind of perverted nonsense
are you making up now?
I understand why you wouldn't
want Zac to know about --
You come near me
or my son again,
and I promise you,
I will hurt you.
Where are you?
You promised to help out
with the tea stall
at the photo exhibition.
I can't believe I'm at some
dismal photography exhibition
when I should be out
cracking the case.
Terry Leeson's up to something.
I know it.
Leave the police work
to the police, Agatha.
Anyway,
speaking as a historian,
I find
the exhibition fascinating.
Really?
Well, speaking as
a normal person,
I find it profoundly dull.
Agatha, Mr. Green would like to
give you a personal tour
as a thank-you for helping out.
What a very nice thank-you
that is, too.
- I will have my revenge.
- I know.
And here
is the old town library,
which, interestingly,
was on a different site
to the new town library.
That's amazing.
Who'd have thought it?
Right, let's talk me through
this one, then, shall we?
No, I haven't finished
talking you through this one.
I think you have.
That?
No particular interest there.
Wyvern Street, Evesham,
in the 1970s.
Featuring the old
Barringtons building.
The old what?
What
Now, if you don't mind, I should
probably be packing up.
Not so hasty, Mr. Green.
Wait a minute.
- That's Fields.
Fields.
Yes, Fields.
Family butchers.
Though, to be honest,
I used to prefer
Dowies on the high street.
Their sirloin
was wonderful.
Butchers have freezers,
Mr. Green.
- Butchers have freezers!
Well, yes, I would hope so.
Otherwise,
the threat to public health
would be unimaginable.
Joanna?
Joanna?
Joanna.
Joanna!
Please, God.
Let it just be Pop-Tarts.
Aah!
I knew something wasn't right
at the club
when you started
asking questions about Kylie.
And then Freda tells me
the famous Agatha Raisin is
investigating Kylie's murder.
I tried to shut you up then.
It was you.
You that hit me
in the street.
Did you kill Kylie Stokes?
I loved Zac.
He said he loved me.
And then that little tart
stole him from me,
like she's stolen everything
from me
ever since
I was in kindergarten.
So, yes.
I killed Kylie.
The great thing about
your granddad being a butcher,
apart from the free sausages,
is you learn
how to use a knife.
To cut up a carcass.
Or even a body.
Straight to voice mail.
Let's go to Fields.
Wait!
If anyone could,
get a snap of Fields,
I should be very grateful.
You know, me and Zac
were having an affair
right up until the day
he asked her to marry him.
And a good few days after.
I said to him,
"I hope I don't get
too drunk at the wedding
and tell all of your guests
that you've been shagging
one of the bridesmaids."
Which is why
he was looking so shifty.
'Cause he thought you
were gonna spill the beans.
Poor, gullible Zac.
Him and Kylie came over
the day after the wedding
to return the dress.
Smug bitch crowing about
the happiest day of her life.
22 years of being second best.
I snapped.
I went for her.
Zac pulled her off me.
Whack!
She hits her head.
Zac knew
it looked bad for us,
but of course he wants to
go to the police.
I said, "Yeah, sure, okay.
You go to the police,
and I will tell everybody
about our affair
and that
you did it deliberately."
And then that night,
when the floods came,
we dumped her in the river.
In your wedding dress.
Nice touch?
That was my idea.
Aah!
And then yesterday
Zac comes 'round,
and he tells me that he's gonna
see you and tell you everything.
So I pushed him in here
and froze him to death.
- Get back!
- Drop the knife!
I'll do it!
I'll kill her!
Calm down.
Calm down.
- Get back.
- Put the knife down.
- No!
- No!
No!
Kylie came to see me
a week before the wedding.
But for someone wanting to
talk quotes from caterers,
she was wearing very little.
She made a pass at me,
and, I couldn't resist.
Well, you could.
But you didn't.
Well.
So we were kissing
and getting a little fruity,
and suddenly she's shouting,
not in a good way.
She's saying
I've assaulted her
and that the only thing
stopping her going to the police
is if I promise to reduce the
price of the wedding reception
by £5,000.
Well, at £5,000,
that was a very expensive snog.
To be honest, we might have got
a little bit further than --
That's enough.
Spare the ladies
the gory details.
No, this lady
wants the gory details.
No, better not.
Okay.
This lady's
putting the kettle on, then.
And this gentleman's
gonna come with you.
I'd just like to say
that, um...
...I don't have
any feelings.
Yes, I think we all know that,
Charlie.
I mean, at least not like
the ones we were talking about.
So...
Good luck.
What was all that about?
Absolutely no idea.
- How old --
- Do --
Um, no,
I was just gonna say,
how old were you
when you got married?
Me?
Old enough to know better.
Do you have any regrets?
I don't really
believe in regret.
I think if you make a mistake,
you should just try
not to make it again.
Yeah.
You're right.
I'm gonna
stay single forever.
Right.
Where's that tea?