Agatha Raisin (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Walkers of Dembley - full transcript

Of course
your charity film night

is going to be a success,
Charlie boy.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

I have run national events.
I've run global events.

Well, you've just need

to make sure
it's all organized at your end.

Yes, well, there is
certainly a buzz around here.

Right.

I would love to,
but I am off on a 5-mile hike.

Bye.

Hi!



All right.

Hi, Hodge.

I know.

More stuff for the film night,
is it?

No.
I'm going r-r-rambling.

Rambling?

That's what people do
in the countryside.

They r-r-ramble.

I just want to blend in.

- Hey, you should come.

Fancy a walk?

Yeah, all right.

- No.

It'll just be Roy
with some London P.R. nonsense.



Quite frankly,
I'm done with all that.

And...

ta-da!

How do I look?

Hello.
Who are you trying to impress?

There she is -- the subject
of this week's walk and talk

and your future home, Mary --
Carsely.

Where I've got this feeling
I'm gonna be blissfully happy.

Originally a Saxon settlement,
wasn't it?

You know your history.

There have been people living
here since the 7th century.

And isn't it true that Carsely

is also famous for its cotton,
if we're to believe Pevsner?

- And lions.

All right, not lions.

But long-backed
Cotswold sheepy things

used to live around here.

Much prized throughout Europe,
apparently.

If we're to believe
the beer mats in the pub.

Beer mats.

- You're funny, Tabitha.
- Agatha.

Are you coming
to the film night, James?

Of course we are.

James and I wouldn't dream
of missing your little event.

We're bringing a picnic,
aren't we?

- Indeed.
- Marvelous.

Sorry, mate,
but we ain't budging.

Going nowhere.
Comprende?

You are meant to keep
to the public footpaths

and have been given
repeated warnings

to stay away from these crops.

- Five...

- Jessica.
- ...four...

For once, just leave.

Definitely not worth dying for.
Come on, Kirsty, let's go.

Kirsty. You'll stand by me,
won't you?

Um...

sorry, Jess.

That's what's wrong
with you people.

You think
you own the bloody countryside.

Actually, I do.

Or at least
this little bit of it, anyway.

Charlie Fraith.

Gustav, put the gun down.

Then, as you well know
from our copious correspondence,

there's an ancient right-of-way
across your field,

and we intend to use it.

And as you know from
my equally copious responses,

my crops
have grown over any pathway.

Tough.

Couldn't we -- I mean,
if it's okay with you --

go 'round the edge?

Great.
I have no problem with that.

Deborah.

We've met once or twice
in the village.

Debs.

We are doing this
because of capitalists like him

eroding our basic human rights.

Remember?

Thought we were doing it
'cause we liked walking.

If we don't make a stand,
where will it all end?

On the other side of the field,
if you go 'round the edge.

Patronizing snob.

- Two...

- ...one.
- Gustav.

Jess, come on.
Now, I really...

- Come on.

Can't you grow a pair for once?

I'll be back!

- Come on.
- Get off!

That was a nice warm-up.

When do we go on the real walk?

I can think of another way
to warm up.

Is anybody there?

Did I...

Have we...

This is my cottage, isn't it?

- Aah!
- Aggie, darling.

You look awful.

Why are you here?

I've been dumped.
I had to get out of London.

- Is that my...

No.

I am, however, a little curious
about the...

elephant in the room.

Well, not exactly elephant,

although, um...

Naked man.

Sitting in the middle
of my living room

with his chakras
all over my designer rug.

Ring any balls?
B- Bells. Bells.

That's Khusan.

He's a Naked Yoga teacher.

Comfort shag.

Doesn't say very much, does he?

And yet he's clearly not shy.

What's this?

It's a film event.

I've been helping
to publicize it.

I don't know.

I can't even find a man,
and yet you...

you find yourself a drop-dead
gorgeous one hung like a Hoover

the second you get dumped.

How is Juicy James, anyway?

As far as I know, he is fine.

Who's that hottie with him?

That'll be Mary Fortune
marking her territory.

A divorcée.

She bakes, gardens,
and flirts --

and not necessarily
in that order.

Agatha.

- You're a genius.
. Well.

Well done.
I owe you.

Charles "Shagger" Fraith.
Owns this place.

Seems to like you.

No, he just likes the fact that
I've helped make this event --

and therefore him -- popular.

There is a difference.

Still.
You're clearly making your mark.

I'm trying.

I'm really trying.

Ladies,
welcome to Barfield House.

Please help yourselves
to a drink.

Thank you.

You look absolutely stunning.

That dress is gorgeous.

This old thing.
Don't be silly.

Cheers.

Cheers!

You didn't tell me
this was his gaff.

- Obviously.

I almost didn't recognize
you without your ax to grind.

Would you like to look around?

Really?
Could I?

We'll have to fumigate the place
afterwards.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Now, I am going back walking
again tomorrow

whether you chickens
are coming or not.

It's a point of principle.

Just let it go, will you?

We want to be able to enjoy our
evening without you banging on.

What about you, Kirsty?

You're much more of a rider
on the edge of darkness,

aren't you?

What is it you do again?

Me?
Nothing, really.

Like Jessica and Jeff,
I'm just a teacher -- physics.

But that's wonderful.

It's nothing.

Compared to all this.

Must be amazing to be part of
all this history and heritage.

Well, I suppose it does
show what can be achieved

- with a little bit of effort.

It can get lonely, though.

Sir.

The film.

It's about to start.

Have you ever seen
"The Ladykillers" before?

I haven't.

I have to say,

it's an interesting choice
of Charlie Fraith

to be showing it
at his festival.

Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to Barfield and our
first charity film screening.

I hope there will be many more.
Enjoy.

James.

Coming in for a quick one?

I bet you say that
to all the girls.

Victim is Jessica Tartinck.

Belonged to a group of ramblers
from Dembley.

Farm laborer Joe Noakes
found her first thing.

One word, Constable -- "alibi."

Checking them.

That's why I have a 100% strike
rate with solving murders.

We've only had one,
which Agatha solved.

Mr. Noakes.

Where were you
earlier this morning?

I was home.
Then here.

And did you see anything or
notice anyone acting suspicious?

Sir Charles.
Arguing, like.

- Her.

Right old dingdong.

Shouting and bellowing.

I left them to it and headed
over to the other field,

but couldn't find my spade,
so came back,

and that's when
I found the body.

Anything else?
Anything at all?

Aye.

I saw Sir Charles
on the horizon.

Running, he was.

Fast.

What did I tell you?

No alibi.

No, but he did just place
Sir Charles

behaving suspiciously
at the scene of the crime

around the time of the murder.

I don't believe this.
It's ridiculous.

- Come on.
- Look...

of course I was running.

- I was out jogging.
- Yeah.

Save it for the judge.

Sorry.

Agatha.

This is a friend of mine
from the church, Deborah Camden.

I need your help.

Okay.

I think the police
are making a terrible mistake

suspecting Charlie.

It's much more likely
it was that manservant of his.

He threatened us.

Okay, well,
that's all very interesting,

but where do I fit in?

That's my fault.

I might have mentioned
that you're...

An expert in these matters.

Well,
I wouldn't go that far.

But we so appreciated
what you did before.

Charlie's
only just been released.

He's still a suspect,
but it can't have been him.

I need you to find out
who really killed Jessica.

I can fill you in on
who's who and what's what.

Will you?
For Charlie?

Please.

There's been a murder, Gemma.

No. No!
I have not bumped off Mary.

Just get your tush over here
right now.

Good morning.

What's happened?

I've got another case,

and you are gonna get me
some background info.

I've got to go to work.

Yes, you do -- for me.

Where's Khusan?

No.

God.

Khusan!
Khusan!

My God.

Khusan!

No, Khusan!

Put it away!

So, this is Dembley,
and according to Deborah,

victim...

...Jessica Tartinck.

- Suspects...

...Charlie boy

and his gun-wielding manservant,
Gustav...

Deborah's walker mates...

which includes
Jeff, Jessica's boyfriend;

and two ladies that work at
the garden center in Dembley,

Kirsty and Alice.

And what about Joe Noakes?

'Cause he found the body,
didn't he?

Yeah.

- Joe Noakes.

What?
We're just brainstorming.

It's what we do in P.R.

We just...kick stuff around...

think outside the box...

throw stuff at the wall,
see what sticks.

You don't know
where to start, do you?

No idea.
You?

Well, in terms
of the murder scene, okay,

there are two ways
across the field

to where Jessica was killed --

one going towards
the house there...

the other one
going diagonally across

where the crops
are heavier there.

So the killer could have easily
come from the diagonal

and been hidden by the crops,

which is good news
for the salt pot.

Sir Charlie.
Yeah.

Means he could be innocent.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Where do you think you're going?
Where's my research?

Something of the campaigner,
your Jessica.

Ancient rights-of-way,
road protests, fracking --

You name it,
she's banged on about it.

She must have made
a lot of enemies.

Right, well, we have to speak to
Sir Charles as soon as we can.

- Roy.
- Yes.

I need you to do
a little bit of digging

on the rest of the ramblers
for me -- fast.

- Mwah, mwah.
- Mwah, mwah.

Bye, Aggie.

Goodbye, Khusan.

Mefiez-vous de l'illusion
de la connaissance.

Mef--
Meffy what, what?

Hello. Remember me?
Agatha Raisin.

And you are?

Her cleaner.

That P.R. woman and...

her cleaner.

James.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you
the same question.

I asked James to come over.

I'm in a spot of trouble.

So I gather.

Deborah Camden asked me
to investigate the murder.

Well, what can you find out
that the police can't?

Well, heel marks for a start.

Lots of them.

Now, who would come out here
in heels?

Any women visiting this morning,
Charlie boy?

- No.
- Right, well.

We shall continue
with our inquiries, then.

How exactly?

By thinking outside the box,
James.

Throwing our brains against
the wall and seeing what sticks.

You could always just get
a good lawyer.

How about --
a bit of a stupid idea.

Okay, how about you two
go undercover

to suss out the ramblers?

We could do.

Why would we do that?

I mean, you haven't met them,
have you?

They don't know who you are
in Dembley.

So you could get Deborah
to introduce you to everyone,

and then, you know,
steam on in, do your biz.

Bob's your uncle.

What do you mean by the "biz"
exactly?

- The investigating.
- Right.

And you're right --
It's a terrible idea.

Well, I've got to do something,
James.

And if it's any help,
I own a cottage in Dembley.

Thank you, God.

Here we are.

How long are you staying?

As long as it takes...

to get Charlie off the hook
and find the killer.

I'll...take the spare room.

Hi, Aggie.
It's Roy.

What?

I think
I've got something for you.

It's about Jeff Benson.

Well, I'm all ears.

I'll send it over right away.

Hiya, Jeff.

Are you still up
for meeting later?

It's okay, Kirsty.

I know you saw Jess
after the film night.

Nothing happened.

Jeff, I promise.

Another word for you --
"stakeout."

Perfect view
of the garden center at 11:00,

where two of our possible
suspects are working.

And over there at, 3:00,
the pub,

where the deceased's boyfriend,
Jeff Benson, is hanging out.

Notice anything?

He's smoking a fag.

My trained eyes
see something different.

A man in a pub
in the middle of the day --

I'd say that was a sign
of a guilty conscience.

Or a man lost because his
girlfriend's just been murdered.

He's on the move.

Deborah Camden
is joining them, too.

They're all in on it.

Or meeting for a coffee.

Jeff Benson...

But what are they doing here?

Deborah's going to introduce us
as new friends

that she's just met.

- As I'll ever be.

Look, understated and natural --
That's how we're playing it.

Low-key is my middle name,
James.

Come along.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Can I, introduce
some friends of mine?

This is...

Mr. and Mrs. Lacey.

James and Agatha.

Or Aggie and...

Jay Jay.

Yeah, we've
just moved into the area,

and there's nothing we like more
than to ramble,

if you'll pardon the expression.

Yes, we've heard
all about your group --

the campaigns,
the rights-of-way.

I think we're probably finished
with all that nonsense now.

Maybe we should carry on
in Jess' memory.

The campaigns
were led by a friend of ours.

- They were her thing.
- Not her only thing.

Have some respect.

I don't think you've picked
the right moment, to be honest.

Our friend,
she went out on a walk...

and was killed.

How awful.

Why did Jess go out on her own?
It just --

Well, I'm just wondering,
you know,

with you being a group and all.

Sorry.
Can we not do this now?

- I'm really not in the mood.
- Of course.

I- I think it's best
if we leave you to it.

If you do decide to go out
again, we'd love to join you.

Aggie.

Yes?

- Darling.

Jay Jay?

What are you doing
saying we're married?

What are you doing
making us leave?

The boyfriend
was about to open up.

Yeah, and land a punch on you.

And don't get me started
on the lipstick lesbians.

Alice and Kirsty.

They're gay,
and they're an item.

Alice was wearing
a rainbow bracelet,

and she was not at all happy

about Kirsty
being nice about Jess.

Not now, Bill.

Jeff Benson -- Find out
why he resigned from his job.

Where are we going?

To wait
for our saucy Sapphic sisters.

The Laceys seemed nice,
didn't they?

I don't know.
They seemed a bit odd to me.

There's something not right.

I'll...catch you up.

Okay.

Hello, again.

I'm sorry if I put my foot in it
in the café.

No.
No, it's not your fault.

Everything's just a bit raw
at the moment.

I'm sure.

Well, I'm a good listener...

if it any help.

James.

What are you doing here?

Compost.

In need of compost.

Was that Agatha you were with?

What? No.

Well, yes.

Sort of.

Which is it?

Just bumped into her.

Fancy that.

Fancy.

So, you'll be free to join me

for something to eat later,
then.

What?
I mean...

that would be great.

That must be hard, though.

You know -- working together
and being a couple.

Is it that obvious?

We don't like to shout about it.

The village
isn't that understanding.

What happened the other night?

We went to a film night, and,
it kicked off afterwards.

But not about walking, right?

No.

Jess, she, um...

she made a pass at me.

She used her sexuality
as a weapon.

No one was safe.

Anyway, nothing happened, but...

try telling the others that.

I, um...

I should get back.

- Okay.

Come on, pick up.

James, it's me.

I'm in the Wendy house.

I think onto something.

Aah!

Bill!

What are you doing
creeping around?

Who are you to talk?

What are you and James Lacey
doing in Dembley?

- Posing as a married couple.

Why didn't you ask me?

Bill.
Just tell me about Jeff Benson.

School say
he left by mutual consent.

Yeah, well, that's a P.R. phrase
if ever there was one.

That means he did something bad.

Bill.

This is cozy.

Listen, we have got suspects
with real motives.

Jess made a pass at Kirsty.

I know.

This place -- It's a hotbed
of seething sexuality.

Clearly I'm living
in the wrong village.

Anyway, I don't suppose
that would have pleased

either of their partners,
Jeff or Alice.

Do I need a funny handshake,
or can anyone come in?

Right.
What's going on?

Police business!

Wow.

- Deborah.
- Agatha, hi.

I could use a second opinion.

What do you think of this one --
gorgeous or what?

Absolutely fabulous.

Where you going?

Charlie's got rid of that horrid
Gustav and asked me over.

This could be my one-way ticket
to becoming somebody.

Charlie's managed it.
Why can't I?

Today, a physics teacher.

Tomorrow, Lady Fraith.

Lady Fraith?

That's a little bit of a leap,
isn't it?

No, no.
Tonight's the night.

What? The...

I think he's going to propose.

What?!

Hang on a sec.

- I-I hope so.

It's -- It's all been
such a whirlwind.

See, he's my first...

real boyfriend and...

Anyway, enough about me.

How's the investigation going?

Okay.

Why don't you tell me
about your friends?

- Through work.

I got a job at the same school
as Jessica and Jeff.

Did you know
she swung both ways?

No way.

I- I had no idea.

Meow.

- Meow.

I...thought I'd check on Hodge.

Well, Aggie asked me to do that.

Missing Agatha, are you?

No.

What's all this?

Yeah, that's all the suspects
at the scene.

If you include this one.

What's with the quote?

Yeah, Aggie thinks that's
a gift from the gods, that.

Thank you.

Wife at home, is she?

Yes.
Yes, she is.

Did he say something
about "wife"?

Wi-Fi.

Cheers.

Aah!

Agatha.

Zip it, stranger.

And what do you think
you're playing at, Jay Jay?

I've been slaving
over a hot stove for hours...

- Hang on just a second.
- ...cooking your dinner.

Would somebody please tell me
what's going on?

And you can tell this trollop
where to get off.

I'm not gonna stay here
and be insulted!

Good.

Because you're not welcome.

You are in the wrong village.

Deborah, it's Jeff.

I've said I'm sorry.

Okay? And I get that I may have
overreacted a little.

A little?!

I'm getting my stuff
and leaving.

Don't be so ridiculous!

Why would you do that?

I never said that
I would be here this evening.

You had no right
to assume otherwise.

You are not my wife!

James.
Charlie.

Agatha is an absolute star.

I couldn't get you on the
mobile, but just so you know,

the ramblers
weren't sure about you

until Agatha kicked off
in the pub.

Now they're convinced
you're a married couple.

Tell her from me
she's a great actress.

- Bye.

- Aggie! Watch out!
- Aah!

Have I died?

You had quite a shock.

Thank you for saving me.

I owed you.

For not realizing that
your little stunt in the pub

was an act.

Yeah.

You were faking, weren't you?

We need to find out
who was driving the car.

I know who the car belongs to.

- Come through.
- Thank you.

It's Gustav's day off.

Lovely.

Thanks.

You've got your feet firmly
under the table, haven't you?

So, did he go down on one knee,
then?

Not yet.

How can I help?

I know you drive a Land Rover
most of the time.

But do you still have
that old Cortina?

I can't bear to part with it.

Did you use it last night?

No.
We were here all night.

Why?

Does anyone else use it?

Well, the keys
are in the kitchen.

Gustav sometimes takes it out.

Gustav?

No?

He usually goes shooting
on the road on his days off.

Would you look at that?

Heels.

That's right, Bill.

Shooting range
near Barfield House.

Yes, of course.
We'll leave you to it.

The police
are heading over there.

I just don't get it.

Why would Gustav
try and run me over?

Because you were onto him.

But that's just it -- I wasn't.

Nothing had gone wrong
with Gustav's plan.

So why risk breaking cover?

Maybe he cracked under pressure.

Doesn't really look
like cracking type.

Are you coming or what?

Pull.

What do you want?

I knew it was you.
It had to be.

Come on, guys.

Put the guns down.

I want justice for Jessica.

- We all do.
- He threatened us.

- He warned her.
- You were trespassing.

I said, "Put the guns down."

Where were you last night when
Sir Charles was with Deborah?

Leicester.

I promised Sir Charles' father
I would protect him,

so I took my car and went to see
where Deborah grew up

to try and understand
what she's up to.

Can anyone confirm
that you were there?

Her parents can.
They saw me.

They came out
and told me to go away.

Well, if he didn't do it,
who did?

Well, you could have,
for starters.

Possibly jealous of Jess'
voracious sexual appetite.

I didn't give a damn about them.

It's a free world.

Really?

Well, why did you leave your job
under a cloud?

A pupil heard
about Jessica's bisexuality

and mocked her for it.

She didn't give a damn, but I...

I lashed out.

I made a mistake.

Defending her honor?

Jess was trouble, all right.

But she was my trouble.

She was everything to me,
and I loved her.

I didn't kill her.

I wouldn't lay a finger on her.

Jeff...

put the gun down.

Nobody move!

Should we go back to bed?

Um, listen...

I think we've had enough
of that, don't you?

It's time to get serious.

Look, we --
We've had our meaningless fun.

And now it's over.

I'm sorry.

You think
someone's framing Gustav?

Yes, I do.

And then Sir Charles

said that he leaves his car keys
in the kitchen.

So pretty much anyone could
have taken them last night.

The murderer being who?

Alice is our main suspect now.

Jess made a pass
at her girlfriend.

She knows we're sniffing around.

Maybe she stole the car
and tried to run Agatha down.

We'll bring her in.

I saw your suspects table.

You were one short, by the way.

You were missing a monkey.

And I cracked your message
from the gods --

"Beware the illusion
of knowledge."

What does that mean?

No idea.

What was Bill on about monkeys?

My suspects table.

He thinks
I've missed someone out,

but we just
didn't include Deborah

because she's the one
who asked me to investigate.

That's it!

Brake like that again,
it will be.

- That way.

- But I'm very happy to walk!

Sex, sex.

- It's all about sex.
- Two hands on the wheel, please.

Deborah looked stunned when I
mentioned Jessica's bisexuality.

I thought that it was because
she didn't know about it.

But what if it was that she was
more horrified that I did know?

But Deborah
was with Charlie last night.

She could have snuck off.
We're only down the road.

Yeah, but as you said,
she asked you to investigate.

To help get Charlie
off the hook.

Come on!

- I think she framed Gustav

and totally underestimated me.

- No, no, no! No!

Bloody road hog!

What do we do now?

We ramble.

- Charlie's in danger.

You said that Deborah thinks
he's going to propose.

Yes, and you said that he wasn't
about to any time soon.

And if he doesn't,
hell hath no fury.

I'll give you "meaningless fun"!

Bill?
Barfield House -- now!

Where's Charles?

There's been an accident.

I- I think he's killed himself.

Only he hasn't, has he, Deborah?

Something that Kirsty said.

That Jessica used her sexuality
as a weapon

and that nobody was safe.

You weren't safe, were you?

I don't know what you mean.

Kirsty was strong enough
to resist Jessica's advances.

But you weren't, were you?

New girl in town.

An innocent ripe for the taking.

What happened?

God, it...

It was just one night.

It all had been forgotten until
I sat there after the film night

and told her
I was going to marry Charlie.

She laughed in my face...

wondered what he'd think
if he knew I'd slept with her.

She was gonna tell him.

And you couldn't risk that?

This was my chance.

This was my shot.

- I just wanted...

...something more.

Can you understand that?

Yes, I can.

That's great news.

No, I'm really please
to hear it.

Okay, speak later.
Bye.

Well, the hospital's
gonna keep him in over night,

but Charlie is gonna be fine.

And he says
that he is eternally grateful.

So...what about you and Mary?

I...

sent her some flowers.

Sorry...if I complicated things.

Ready to go?

Yeah.

Ready.

Hey.

It's arrived.

Khusan's Naked Yoga video.

Are we doing yoga?

No, not doing it.
Watching it.

Thank you.

How was married life, then?

Overrated.