Adventures of Superman (1952–1958): Season 2, Episode 18 - Semi-Private Eye - full transcript

Lois Lane decides to employ private detective Homer Garrity to find out once and for all if Clark Kent is Superman. At the same time, a blackmailer is trying to kill Garrity, whose life is saved by Superman. Both Garrity and Lois are taken prisoner by the blackmailer. Jimmy Olsen decides to pick up the trail of Lois and Garrity while simultaneously trying to live up to the image of a glamorous private eye. Eventually, the lives of Jimmy, Lois and Garrity are endangered. Clark, in the meantime, picks up the trail. But it will take the powers of Superman to save his friends in time.

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: Faster
than a speeding bullet.

More powerful than a locomotive.

Able to leap tall buildings
at a single bound.

MAN 1: Look! Up in the
sky! MAN 2: It's a bird!

WOMAN: It's a plane!
MAN 3: It's Superman!

NARRATOR: Yes, it's Superman,

strange visitor
from another planet,

who came to Earth
with powers and abilities

far beyond those of mortal men.

Superman, who can change
the course of mighty rivers,



bend steel in his bare hands,

and who, disguised
as Clark Kent,

mild-mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper,

fights a never-ending battle

for truth, justice and
the American way.

And now, another
exciting episode

in the Adventures of Superman!

[♪♪♪]

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Well,

If it makes any difference
to you who you saved,

I'm Homer Garrity.

Oh, the private detective?

How do you do?



I'm flattered that you know me.

Well, I'm glad that I looked
down, when I was flying,

in time to see
those bricks fall.

It's probably just one of the thousands
of rotten chimneys around here.

Are you sure it was an accident?

Oh, my, yes.

Nothing that
glamorous ever happens

to members of my
profession. Uh, in real life.

Well, if I were you, I'd
look up once in a while.

At least a dozen
persons saw it happen.

And each one
phoned in the story.

The first one said Superman
had been showered with bricks.

The second one
said concrete blocks.

By the time I got the last one,

an entire building
had collapsed on him.

And you should
have seen the look

on Homer Garrity's
face when it happened.

And how do you happen to
know about the look on his face?

Yes, Kent, just how
do you know that?

Well, I-I happened to
be nearby at the time.

Oh, now don't tell me
that I had a reporter

at the scene of a
story for a change.

Maybe he was nearer
than you think, chief.

Come on, Jim.

Chief, what do you
suppose she meant by that?

My boy, when a woman
has nothing to say,

she talks in riddles.

Just to keep every person
in a state of confusion.

I'm with you.

If I could offer a little brain

along with my brawn, Miss Lane,

I'd say that someday...

you're going to get into trouble

trying to prove that
Mr. Kent is Superman.

If he isn't, how do
you explain his slip

about the expression
on Garrity's face?

He said he just
happened to be there.

"He said."

Well, I've had this
book fixed for a week,

just waiting for a
chance to plant it.

And this is the chance.

This thing weighs
over fifty pounds,

and no ordinary man is
going to be able to lift it easily.

No ordinary boy, either.

Okay, Come on.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Lois, Jimmy.

Hi. Busy?

No, not doing a thing.

No one's making
any news these days.

Except Superman.

Uh, Clark, I'd like to
look up a phone number.

Would you hand
me the book, please?

Hm? Oh, sure, Lois.

Here, catch.

Ah! Miss Lane!

Something the matter?

Oh, no, nothing at all.

Ready, Jim?

More or less, I guess.

CLARK: Oh, Miss Lane.

Aren't you going
to call your number?

I just remembered it.

Thank you, Mr. Kent.

You're welcome, Miss Lane.

Now are you convinced?

More than ever.

What do you mean by that?

Well, Clark switched
the books, right?

That means he discovered
ours was a dummy.

And how did he
discover it was a dummy?

With his X-ray
vision, that's how.

But that dummy telephone
book was loaded with lead,

and X-rays can't
see through lead.

You don't have to go
through lead to see it, silly.

Golly, you're right.

And I have an idea
that'll prove I'm right.

Come on.

If there's one thing I hate,

it's having even the vaguest
idea where I'm going, or why.

Now you know.

Gee, a private eye.

You know, Miss Lane, if I ever
got fired from the Daily Planet,

which almost happens every day,

that's what I'd like
to be. A shamus.

A shamus?

Sure.

My own private secretary,
torpedoes from Toledo,

slinky gun-molls, the
killer fleeing from the sight

of my steel-blue
eyes and rock-like jaw.

I thought I heard voices.

Are you looking for me?

No, we're looking for Homer
Garrity, the private eye.

I'm Homer Garrity.

Come in, won't you?

You?

I'm Lois Lane, and
this is Jimmy Olsen.

It's a pleasure.

Come in.

All my clients are
disappointed at first.

They expect a cross between
a gorilla and Sherlock Holmes.

Sit down, won't you.

Thank you.

Now, what can I do for you?

I'll get right to the
point, Mister Garrity.

I want someone followed.

Clark Kent, of the Daily Planet.

Would you mind telling me why?

Well, if I'm right, I
think you'll find out why.

Well, I could
start this evening.

I'm just winding up
a blackmail case.

Blackmail?

Yes, I've finally discovered
who the blackmailer is.

I'll turn the information over
to my client this afternoon.

Then my part of the job is done.

You mean, you won't even
make the arrest yourself?

No, that's up to my
client and the police.

Well, either I've been
going to too many movies,

or you haven't been
going to enough.

Just so you won't
be too disillusioned...

Look.

I do own these things,

and I have a license
to carry this gun.

Oh?

But in all my years experience,
I've never used the gun.

Nor any of this paraphernalia.

Oh.

Maybe this will
impress you, young man.

You see this mirror?

Yeah.

All right. Come with me.

Look.

Well, but... but...

That's right.

Miss Lane can't see you at all.

This is a special
one-way window.

The other side of it's a mirror.

Well, now this is more like it.

I must confess I love
all sorts of gadgets.

Sometimes I use it
to watch my clients.

It helps me to find out whether

they're telling me
the truth or not.

You mean your own
clients lie to you?

Quite often.

Now you stay here and watch

how you can see
every move in that room.

Okay.

[INAUDIBLE]

Keep both hands
on the desk, Garrity.

Certainly, Mr. Leonard.

Who's the dame?

GARRITY: A saleslady.

Office supplies.

She has nothing to do with us.

Sorry, Homer, but if
you're in trouble, so am I.

I'm his secretary.

All right lady, you
can come along too.

Hey, Boss, how come we
don't get a secretary like that?

We just got one.

Let's go.

Come on.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Garrity? Homer Garrity?

Who is this?

Just a guy you got out
of a jam once, Homer.

So, I'm returning the favor.

Hey Morrey, rack 'em up!

What kind of a
joint are you runnin'?

Shut up, you guys! Will ya?

Who was that?

Oh, never mind.

Listen, Garrity,
I'm tippin' you off.

A couple characters
are out to get ya.

So watch it, will
you. That's all.

Hello, operator? Get me the
police. This is an emergency!

Hello, police? I wanna
report a kidnapping.

Lois Lane, Homer Garrity.

Just about a...

Never mind.

You handle it your way.

I'll handle it mine.

Miss Latour, take a memo.

I'm calling this "the
Unfortunate Kidnap Caper."

It all started quite
innocently enough

with Lois Lane and Homer
Garrity being lead out at gunpoint.

Then came the phone call
from the mysterious tipster.

Now, I'm off to find
the tipster himself.

How, Miss Latour?

Elementary.

I merely look for a pool hall

run by a citizen named...

Morrey.

No license.

Thanks, baby. I
know I'm a genius.

But sometimes I get tired

of slapping around these
punk hoodlums all day!

Oh, well.

Somebody has to do it.

End of memo.

What do ya figure that is?

Beats me.

Under his left arm.

The guy's packin' a rod. I
can spot 'em a mile away.

A copper?

Let's find out.

Got a match?

What for?

To light my cigar.

Here, have one.

I thought you
didn't have a match.

No use finding my own, is there?

Hm.

I didn't think of that.

Say,

you ain't Baby-Face
McGoyne, are you?

My name's...

Olsen.

Oh, yeah.

You're the big butter and egg
man from down east, ain't ya?

Naw, I'm an eye.

A shamus.

Yeah?

I'm a private detective, myself.

Then you must
know Homer Garrity.

Garrity?

What about him?

That's what I'd like to know.

You're in the
wrong place, buddy.

[GIGGLING]

Maybe.

See ya around.

Seein' you.

[♪♪♪]

Hello, Cappy?

This is Fingers.

Listen, about Garrity...

Don't turn around.

Tell him you'll call
later and hang up.

I'll call you back.

Ahh...

Same kid, huh?

If you're goofy enough
to follow me here,

you're goofy enough
to have a gun and use it.

You're going to answer
a couple of questions.

Who's Cappy?

What did he do with
Homer and Miss Lane?

Come on, talk, spill,

open up, let's have it!

Please?

All right, kid.

Go ahead, blast away.

My poor old mother
will get along without me,

somehow.

You have a poor old mother?

You should see her.

A hundred-and-ten years old.

Sittin' in her rockin' chair,

rockin' and knittin'...

Hm. Well,

in that case, would you
mind stepping over there

and putting your wrist
up against the bed post?

Move!

Whatever you say, kid.

Now!

Hey! What did you do to me?

I didn't do nothin'.
You did it yourself.

Here, give me that.

[LAUGHING]

Have fun, kid.

And don't bother yellin'.

In this joint, nobody
pays any attention.

Oh, just in case.

[LAUGHS]

Enjoy yourself, kid.

[LAUGHS]

Some shamus.

[♪♪♪]

What's up, chief?

The police just phoned.

They got an anonymous
tip about somebody

named Garrity and Lois
Lane being kidnapped.

Lois? Yes.

Do you know anything
about this, Kent?

No, not a thing.

You know, one day I'm going
to chain you and Lois and Olsen

to your desks.

Then, maybe I can get
some peace of mind.

Well, it could be
a mistake, chief,

but I'll check on
it just the same.

Why can't I just lose my
mind and it'll all be over with?

For ten years I been runni"

one of the juiciest blackmail
rackets in the country.

Then you had to
stick your nose into it.

That's my job.

Sure, but what I want to
know is, who hired you?

Just one of your victims,

who finally decided it
would be smarter to pay me

for a little while
than pay you forever.

I'll find out how smart
he is when I find 'em.

Somehow I don't
think you're going to.

I'll find 'em, all right.

Garrity will tell me.

Or you will.

She doesn't know
anything. I told you that.

She says she's your secretary.

As a matter of fact, I
don't know anything.

But even if I did,
I wouldn't tell you.

She's got nerve, huh, Cappy?

Yeah. Real nerve.

She's gonna need it.

You know, Garrity,

Superman saved you from me once,

but he ain't gonna do it again.

What are you
doin' here, Fingers?

I tried to tell you
on the phone.

There's some screwy kid
runnin' around, playing detective.

So what? So he's
on to something.

I don't know how, but he is.

And if he is, maybe
somebody else is, too.

Where's the kid now?

I got him in my room.

He handcuffed himself to my bed.

What'd you leave
him for, stupid?

Get him and bring him here.

This ain't good, Cappy.

Suppose somebody
finds us here with them?

Don't worry, they won't.

Oh, Cappy.

Those things went out
with high-buttoned shoes.

I only use it for emergencies.

No sense mussing you up...

yet.

Noodles,

take 'em downstairs.

All right, move.

[DRAWER OPENING]

Seven...

P, R, S, eight.

T, U, V.

V, S, V, R, S...

U...

Sunset 36133.

"Sunset 36133,

C. Leonard, 18 Poplar way."

JIMMY [ON TAPE]: Now I'm
off to find the tipster, himself.

How, baby? Elementary.

I merely look for a pool
hall run by a citizen named

Morrey.

Thanks, Baby. I
know I'm a genius.

But, uh, sometimes I get tired

of slapping around
punk hoodlums all day.

Oh, well, somebody has to do it.

End of memo.

[DRAWER CLOSING]

I'll still feel better when
Fingers gets back with that kid.

Well, that's what
we're waiting for.

Then we'll take care of
the three of 'em at once.

How?

The same way we've done
things before, remember?

Sure, Boss. That's
the way I like it.

Quiet, neat and quick.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

All right, you guys!
Back against the wall!

I must be seein' things.

Better do like he says,
he looks dangerous to me.

I got an itchy
trigger on this finger.

I mean,

finger on the trigger.

You two, up against the wall.

Now tell me, what
did you do with 'em?

With who?

You know who I mean.

Oh, something happens to
me when I see guys like you.

Something happens inside of me!

I go wild!

I'm warnin' you.

Please, buddy, give
us a break, will ya.

Yeah, have a heart, buddy.

In my business, a heart
only gets in the way.

Now tell me what I wanna know.

I'll give ya till I
count to three.

One, two, three.

All right,

I'll give ya another chance.

One, two,

three.

Jimmy!

I'm afraid so, Miss Lane.

I'm afraid so.

That guy could make a
million bucks bein' a comedian.

Yeah, a promising career like
that and we gotta cut it short.

We got all the pigeons in
the coop, boss. What next?

You get everything set.
I'll see you in a minute.

[♪♪♪]

Well, at least I
found out one thing.

Private detecting certainly
isn't as easy as it looks.

Especially when it looks like

the dead bodies you discover
are going to be your own.

According to the
movies, this is the point

where the slinky woman appears
and shows us the secret way out.

Well, I'll settle for Superman.

It's no use, Jim.

Not even Superman
could find us in here.

Changed your mind
about talking, Garrity?

If I told you who my
client is, he'd be killed.

And you wouldn't
let us go anyway.

Okay, Noodles.

Much cleaner this way.

No bullets, no murder
weapon, no nothing.

Nobody'll ever know
what happened to you.

Last chance. Wanna talk?

No?

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

[CAPSULES SHATTER]

[COUGHING]

What are you doin' here?

I'm looking for the man who
telephoned Homer Garrity.

You just gave yourself away.

You must be the man or
you wouldn't be frightened.

I was just tryi"
to help, honest.

That's exactly
what I'm trying to do.

Then go to 18 Poplar way.

That's all I can tell you.

Let's hope it's enough.

[COUGHING]

It looks like the end
of the line for all of us.

Jeepers... Miss Lane,

what would the
chief do without us?

What're we going
to do without him?

[COUGHING]

[INHALING]

[COUGHING] Superman!

He inhaled enough of
that gas to kill ten men.

And he's got us trapped in here.

Well, you better get Miss Lane
out in the fresh air, Superman.

Quick, he's gone.

Now's our chance.

Out of my way, flatf...

Ugh!

Like that, Mr. Garrity?

Exactly like that, Jimmy.

And how do you
feel now, Miss Lane?

Much better, thanks.

Jimmy, I always wanted a
chance to try that judo stuff.

And it works real great, too.

Why, those guys'll be
out 'till next Tuesday.

But, Mr. Garrity,

right now, I would like to
give you back your office.

Miss Lane, there's one
thing that still bothers me.

How did you happen to
get mixed up in all this?

Oh, how does she get
mixed up in anything?

She was just
trying to prove that...

Never mind, Jim.

Okay, okay.

Well, Miss Lane,

I guess I better get started on
that assignment you gave me,

following your friend...

Uh, that won't be
necessary, Mr. Garrity.

If you don't mind, I'd just
soon call the whole thing off.

It's all right with me.

I could use a
couple of days rest.

JIMMY: Oh, Mr. Garrity,
one more thing

Do you have a
duplicate set of keys?

Keys? Why?

Because I did it again!

[♪♪♪]

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