Adventure Time (2010–2018): Season 5, Episode 35 - Love Games - full transcript

[Mouse squeaks]

[Penguins wenk]

[All cheering]

[Screeches]

♪ Adventure Time ♪

♪ Come on, grab your friends ♪

♪ We'll go to very distant lands ♪

♪ With Jake the Dog
and Finn the Human ♪

♪ The fun will never end ♪

♪ It's Adventure Time ♪
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If I hear another peep,
there's gonna be trouble.



Final warning!

Okay. Go ahead, Beemo.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

Okay, welcome back
to the program.

We're talking with my special
guest, Finn the Human.

Hello.
[Applause]

[Applause stops]

Now, Finn, you were saying
something interesting...

that you're getting out
of the romance biz.

So, what happened?

Well, I don't want
to bore your listeners...

[applause]

...but let's just say
the time has come

to stop dating Princesses
and return to saving 'em.



And you're not just
saying that to, uh,

make yourself seem more
attractive?

Yeah, of course.
No games goin' on here.

[Knock on door]
Hold on. What's that noise?

I think that someone's
knocking at the door.

- Can you see who it is?
- Yes, Jake.

So it's going pretty
good, huh?

Yeah, but maybe we should stop
talking about this love junk

and get back to
adventuring.

Finn! Jake! I need your help!
It's an emergency!

Now we're talking!

Don't cry, Slime Princess.
We're at your service.

I need Finn to marry me.

[Chittering plays]

I'm sorry, S. P., but
I've given up the dating scene.

You don't understand.

If I don't get a husband,
I'll lose my kingdom.

- I'll do it!
- What did I tell you?!

[Laugh track plays]

Please let me explain.

Recently, my much hotter
younger sister Blargatha,

married a slime rogue
named Guillermo.

As a result,
Elder Plops decreed

that if I was not married
by tomorrow,

rule of the Slime Kingdom
would pass to my sister,

which I'd be,
like, totally fine with,

except I recently discovered
they are both evil.

Evil to the core!

They plan to militarize
the Kingdom

and begin a campaign of
aggressive conquest,

sacking our neighboring
kingdoms,

stealing their resources,
and eventually

taking over the entire world!

Ew.

Finn, this will happen
unless someone marries me.

No.

Psst!

[Grumbles]

Please, Finn. I know I've
crushed on you in the past,

but I have no intention
of locking this down.

Our marriage will be
in name only.

Mm...

Wait! I'm coming,
too!

I'm gonna eat popcorn
and make hilarious jokes.

Aw. Who ate
all my popcorn?

[Munching]
Call this a room?

There's not even a window.

Oh, wait. Are we rolling?

[Munching]
How much farther?

This popcorn's not gonna
last all day.

All right, now it might.

We're here.

Welcome to my little oasis
in the wasteland.

JAKE:
Oasis? More like, "No way, sis!"

[Laughs]

Huh?

[Gasps]

FINN:
Whoa! This is amazing!

You okay, buddy?

You could say I got out of there
in the "lick" of time.

Zing!

Quickly. We're already late.

[Dance music plays]

SLIME PRINCESS: This is the
most important place in the Kingdom.

FINN:
The Royal Palace?

No, it's where me and all
my main splirts hang out.

Hi, girls!

ALL:
H-i-i-i-i-i!

[Humming]

Tree Trunks and Mr. Pig,
what are you doing here?

Oh, we always come here when
we want to shake it, Finn.

It's the only
triple-cray-rated disco

in all of Ooo.

Get your face pretty, Finn.

My people are already
assembled in the courtyard.

[Clears throat]
Greetings, loyal slimejects!

[All cheering]

I would like to introduce
my new husband...

Finn the Human!

[All cheering]

What did I tell you?
Piece of cake.

WOMAN:
Attention, my loyal slimejects.

[Gasps]
It's Blargatha.

And that's the mysterious
Guillermo.

He hails from a faraway, much
more somber Slime Kingdom

where people have
strange customs

and no love in their eyes.

Their discos aren't even
rated one cray.

My husband would like to say
something.

And, uh, he would, too,

if not for his extremely
sore throat,

so I will say it for him.

We challenge you
to the Trials of Glarb.

[Crowd gasps]

I object!

Ancient traditions
such as the Trials of Glarb

are no longer relevant in our
modern self-indulgent society.

MAN:
Order! Order! I demand order!

I, Elder Plops,

being the coolest guy
in the room,

will settle this dispute.

The matter will be settled on
the battleground...

All right!

...the battleground of love.
- Aw!

The couple that I deem
most truly in love

shall rule the Slime Kingdom
for life.

[Scepter clanks]
Plops out.

[All cheering]

[Sighs]

This is, like,
the opposite of what you wanted.

ELDER PLOPS:
Welcome, everyone to the Trials of Glarb,

hosted by me, Elder Plops.

The first trial will be
crooning.

You guys are gonna get into
these sweet boats I made

and croon for each other
on the lake.

The most loving
and heartfelt song,

judged by me, Elder Plops,
will win.

I really want to hear some
emotional song work here.

The people want to hear
emotional stuff.

So let's see some stuff,
all right?

Okay, Finn, you can do it.

I don't know. I'm still
jacked up over my lady biz.

Well, just lose yourself
in your own mind

and go numb.

Then let it all out.

[Groans]

[Breathes deeply]
Okay.

Just let it all out.

♪ When I'm heating up
my lunch ♪

♪ or delivering
a dungeon punch ♪

♪ I can't ♪

♪ get over you ♪

♪ Your kiss is burned
into my brain ♪

♪ Simon's hair is
clogging up my drain ♪

♪ I just can't ♪

♪ get over you ♪

♪ See your face
all over Ooo ♪

♪ Sticks to me
like a coat of glue ♪

♪ I can't ♪

♪ get over you ♪

Why can't I get over you?

Finn, way to go.

I could tell the people were
really impressed.

Guillermo, you're up.

Hmm? Okay, Guillermo.
I'll ask, I'll ask...

Guillermo still
has a sore throat!

May I sing on, uh, his behalf?

Elder Plops thinks
that's okay.

[Clears throat]

[Off-key] ♪ I want to touch
your hand with my hand ♪

♪ I want to rub your cheek
with my cheek ♪

♪ Maybe later we can get
"do not disturb" ♪

I'm done!

As Elder Plops, I have heard
many songs in my life,

and I can only say this...

Finn, you win this one.

- [All cheering]
- [Grumbles]

- Whoo!
- Yes!

[Indistinct conversations]

Welcome, everyone,
to our second trial...

spooning.

When I say go, the big spoon
will put his arm

around the little spoon
and cuddle.

I will be watching you spoon,

measuring and assessing
your love

by posture and overall
vibe.

The best cuddle,
or spoon, wins.

- Wait. What?
- [Laughing]

Spooners, get in your
futons.

Uh, I don't feel good
about this.

Ready, set...

spoon!

[Gasps] No, wait.
I don't want to do this!

Wrap those gorgeous pythons
around me!

No! This feels weird!

Come on, Finn, they're
crushing us!

Wuh! Wuh! Wuh!

Blargatha and Guillermo,
very nice.

Nooooooooooooooooo!

Yeesh.
All right, everyone, stop.

I've seen enough.

Blargatha and Guillermo's love
was way-off-the-charts good.

They win.
- Yes!

I love you, baby.
You spoon so good!

- [Breathes heavily]
- No!

The score is tied.

There's one more trial after
spooning and crooning...

smooching.

I'm sorry it doesn't rhyme
with crooning and spooning.

We will begin our next trial
on the morrow!

[Scoffs]
This is not going well.

I'm sorry,
Slime Princess.

I'm just going to mess
this next trial up.

Is it because you haven't
done much kissing?

You don't have to be embarrassed
by your innocence.

Pretending to be in love
is making me sad.

It makes me think about
Flame Princess.

What if I pretend to be
your ex?

That's worse, I think.

Well, it looks like I'm
losing my kingdom

to the forces of evil.

[Sighs]
No, Slime Princess.

Let's practice this smooch.

Mmmmm.

[Groans, gags]

[Vomits] I'm sorry.
I... I can't!

[Grumbles]
Bunk this!

Wait! Where are you going?

I'm going to punch
Guillermo in his stupid face

'til he agrees to leave
the kingdom.

I want to come!

[Grunts]

Hey, Guillermo!
Can you come out here for a...

quick meeting?

More like a quick beating.
Hey-o!

He says eat a fat dollop
and buzz off!

Blargatha!

Hyup!

Hmm.

[Gasps]

BLARGATHA: Finn, you shouldn't
break in to a woman's room.

Hyah! Hyah!

Everyone okay?

Yes. "Tank" you.

Hyah!

Eh?

Guillermo!

Hyah!

[Gasps]
Are you dead, man?

Aw, geez, bro.

Huh?
These are olives.

Uh-oh.

Blargatha, why would you
make a fake husband?

You're so hot!

You don't know how hard
it is to be this hot.

Women don't want to talk to you
because they're intimidated,

and guys won't talk to you
because they're too scared.

You're alone in the hottest,
most sexiest prison.

So I stuck some olives
on a glop of gelatin

and called him
my lover.

Well, I'm sorry, Blargatha,

but you're going to have
to spend more time

in your metaphorical prison
in a real prison,

'cause what you're doing
is illegal.

Uh, no, it just disqualifies
her from challenging me.

Whoops.

[All cheering]

By the authority
of Elder Plops,

I officially declare...

you are still
the Slime Princess.

ALL:
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Finn, what do you think?

I don't want to
disappoint all these people.

[Gags, vomits]

I'm sorry! I can't do it!

[Vomiting]

[Scepter clanking]

♪ Come along with me ♪

♪ And the butterflies and bees ♪

♪ We can wander through the forest ♪

♪ And do so as we please ♪

♪ Come along with me ♪

♪ To a cliff under a tree ♪

FINN:
This party is so crazy!
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