Adam Ruins Everything (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Adam Ruins Nature - full transcript

♪♪

(MAN GRUNTING)

Look around, Birch.
You've made it.

Mount Everest.

(GRUNTING)

How foolish the fellows
back home

in the urban hiking club
will feel when you regale them

with this adventure.

Forget their tawdry walks
through the city park.

(LAUGHING, SHOUTING)

(SIGHS)
This... this is real nature.



No people, no cities.

Just pure,
untrammeled wilderness.

(LAUGHS)

Mother Nature doesn't get
any more natural than this!

Actually, your idea
of what counts as nature

is all wrong.

(SCREAMING)
Talk about a cold open.

Hi, I'm Adam Conover, and this
is "Adam Ruins Everything."

♪♪

Closed Captions Provided by
truTV

So, you said
your name's Birch?

Is that a nickname or...

Pull me up!
Pull me up!

Of course.
Sorry.



(GRUNTING)

Thank you.
(SIGHING)

Now, if you will
excuse me,

I will be continuing
my Everest summit solo.

I came up here to get
away from people.

Hate to break it to you,
but Everest

is actually
way too full of people.

And this avalanche
of tourists

is turning this
majestic mountain

into a depressing dump.

(SCOFFS)
I'm no tourist.

I'm on a spiritual journey.
Summitting Mount Everest

is the pinnacle
of human achievement.

Sure, it was,
the first time.

When mountaineers
Tenzing Norgay
and Edmund Hillary

summited Mount Everest
in 1953,

it was a feat never before
achieved by humankind.

Huzzah, we've done it!

And now, no one else
ever has to do it again.

(ADAM)
But today,
budget tour companies

help over 100,000 amateurs
climb Everest every year.

Unh!
(CAMERA CLICKS)

Ha-ha, crushing Everest A-F.
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

What?!
But he's not
seeking enlightenment,

he's just a tourist!
Yeah!

And to make matters worse,
these tourists

are total slobs!

So many climbers abandon
tents, equipment,

and other items
on their climb,

every year the mountain
accumulates

around 50 new tons of trash.

Ugh.

Dude, can we Postmates
a maid up here?

Oh, that is shameful!

I will be taking all
of my waste with me.

Yeah?
Well, don't forget

about your human waste.

Everest tourists
annually leave behind

around 26,000 pounds
of pee and poop.

And since it takes longer
for waste to disintegrate

at high altitudes, that means
this majestic mountain

is now covered
in our poop-sicles.

So much human waste
has built up over the years

that local villages'
major water sources

are now completely polluted,

and their yaks
frequently get stuck

in ponds of human poop.

I can't imagine anything
more disturbing.

Well, it gets worse.

Because Everest is also
covered in dead bodies.

This once-pristine peak
is steadily becoming

the world's tallest
frozen cemetery.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Hundreds of people have
died on Everest.

For every ten
successful summits,

there's one dead body.

And since the temperatures
are so frigid,

they'll never decompose.

There are so many
frozen corpses on Everest,

climbers actually use them
to navigate.

Holy shit, is that a dead guy?

Tight... that means
we make a left.

But Everest isn't just
dangerous for visitors.

The indigenous Sherpas
are the ones

taking the real risks...

Mapping out routes
and securing guide ropes,

all while babysitting
these amateur alpinists.

Ah, dude, can you take
a photo of me?

(ADAM)
It's one of the deadliest
jobs on the planet.

A third of people who die
on Everest are Sherpas.

Oh, back up more...

so you can get that cloud
that looks like a...

Ahhh!

Oh!
Whoa!

He's okay.
My trash broke his fall.

This is appalling!

Not only are these
narcissistic tourists

ruining this sacred mountain,

but they're getting
people killed?

Why hasn't the government
of Nepal

limited the amount
of people who can climb?

They can't afford to.

Nepal is a very
low-income nation,

and Everest tourism
is a major industry.

Sorry, how many people
are in your tour?

200.

My girl wants a destination
wedding at the summit,

and then we're all
gonna paraglide down.

Ha!

I am nothing
like that guy!

I'm afraid you are.

I know it's your dream
to climb this sacred mountain.

But the impact that you
and others have

when you indulge
in that dream

is turning Everest into
a poop-covered trash coffin.

Oh, you're right.

I am no better
than those monsters

who picnic in national parks.

People ruin everything!
(ECHOING)

An avalanche!

See?
No matter how bad
people mess things up,

Mother Nature is still
in charge!

Come on, let's run!

Actually, so-called
natural disasters

are pretty much human-made.

Come on,
I'll show ya.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, I wish you'd let me
fall off that cliff.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Welcome back to
the Weather History Channel,

also known as the only channel
your dad ever watches.

Every time
a natural disaster occurs,

the news reports on it
as though it's an unstoppable

act of God.

Right, Mother Nature
could destroy us

at any moment,
and we are powerless
to prevent it.

Wrong! Tonight, we revisit
some of the most deadly

natural disasters
in recent history,

and discover that these
"acts of God"

are very much human creations.

For more on that, let's go
to our disconcertingly cheery

chief meteorologist,
Drip Dripley.

Well, howdy do,
and how are you, Adam?

Hurricane Katrina was one
monster of a mess.

1,800 people died

and 80% of the population
of New Orleans was displaced.

But I'm gonna
shock you here.

The surprising truth is,
Hurricane Katrina

was not the storm
of the century.

In fact, it may have been
as weak as a Category 1

when it hit New Orleans.

Only a Category 1?
Then why all the destruction?

Good question,
Mr. Mountain Main.

The real culprit
wasn't the storm itself,

it was our failure
to prepare for it.

Half of New Orleans
lies below sea level,

which means it relied
on these levees

to control flooding.

But the levees
were constructed

out of sand built atop
porous soil,

which made them
extremely vulnerable

to rapid erosion
during Katrina.

Whoa, wipe out!
(SINGING)

Drip!
Inappropriate!

(LAUGHING)
Sorry, Adam.

Now, these levees had been
desperately in need

of maintenance for decades.

According to an
engineering investigator...

(DOLPHIN CHIRPING)

Whoa, I should not
be allowed on television!

And this pattern
of negligence

holds across every
major natural disaster

in recent history.

For more, let's go
to the Weather History Channel's

own Mr. Science,
Hurricane Harvey.

That's my name,
and what I'm here to talk about!

Hurricane Harvey
is a textbook example

of how human choices
artificially turned

a minor hurricane
into a devastating flood!

Up until the 1960s,

Houston was naturally protected
from major flooding

thanks to its
coastal prairies,

which absorbed flood waters

before they could do
any damage.

Ooh!

But as the city expanded,
greedy developers

exploited legal loopholes
to pave over those prairies.

And worse, they didn't even
tell new residents

that they now lived
in a flood zone.

So, when Harvey hit,
the water had nowhere to go,

and 47,000 people
were displaced.

And worst of all,
my breakfast is ruined.

Back to you, Adam!

(CHUCKLING)
Harvey.

So that area only flooded

because of how humans
modified the land?

It's unbelievable!

Okay, what about
Maria, huh?

That storm was huge.

Good question!
For more on that,

let's go to our
time-traveling storm chaser,

Dan Champion,
who's on the scene

at Hurricane Maria.

Thanks, Adam!

Every time
there's a major storm,

the media sends dopes like me
to stand outside

and get rained on
for your amusement.

But the truth is,

it wasn't the wind and rain
that was responsible

for the estimated
thousands of lives lost

in Puerto Rico.

It was because
after the storm...

...the island went 84 days
without water

and 64 days
without electricity.

The corporate corruption
and government neglect

that led to those failures
was the real killer.

Back to you, Adam.
I'm going the (BLEEP) inside.

So, all those people died

and we could have
prevented it?

Yes.
But I'm afraid the problem

is much bigger than just
a failure to prepare.

Our collective impact
on the planet

has led to climate change
on such a massive scale,

it's actually
making disasters stronger.

And for more on that,
we have Dr. Michael Mann,

distinguished professor
of atmospheric science

at Penn State University.

Always a pleasure to appear
on a parody

of the Weather Channel, Adam.

And you're right,
we can say

with a great degree
of confidence

that climate change
is making hurricanes

and other weather disasters
more extreme.

Now, Michael,
how is that possible?

Explain it to me like
I'm a five-year-old

who hates science
and thinks climate change

is a hippie crack-pot
conspiracy.

When you burn fossil fuels,
you warm the atmosphere,

you warm the ocean.

A warmer atmosphere
holds more moisture,

so these storms produce
more rainfall.

For every additional
degree of warmth,

wind speeds
for the strongest storms

increase by about
10 miles per hour.

Now, that translates
to a nearly 25% increase

in the destructiveness
of these storms.

The warming also
slows down the jet stream,

so these storms stay parked
in the same spot for longer,

giving you even more rainfall
and worse flooding.

Not only that,
climate change has caused

unprecedented wildfires
in North America

in recent years.

Global warming gives you
more heat waves,

it dries out forests,
so you get larger,

more destructive wildfires.

The truth is, Birch,
human activity is making

extreme weather events
more destructive.

And if we continue
to burn fossil fuels

and put carbon pollution
into the atmosphere,

we are gonna see
worse and worse droughts,

heat waves, superstorms,
floods, and wildfires.

That's unbelievable.

Believe it.

As mighty as nature is,
our impact on the planet

is even greater.

See, this is why
we need to be protecting

and preserving our planet,

not choking it to death
with our noxious emissions!

God, I cannot wait
to get back

to pure, wild,
untrammeled nature!

(GRUNTS)

What Birch hasn't
fully absorbed yet

is that no spot on Earth
is free from human impact.

We all affect nature.

Every breath you take,
every move you make...

I'll be watching you.

Now, this is why
I love climatologists.

You folks are hilarious.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SIGHING)
Finally...

pure, pristine,
unadulterated nature.

(ADAM, IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Observe the homo sapien.

He believes he is a humble,
respectful visitor in nature.

But little does he know,
his very presence on this planet

irreparably changes it.
Hey, who is talking?!

In anger, he tears
at the undergrowth,

revealing our trusty narrator.

Like all humans,
he wreaks havoc on nature

wherever he goes.

Okay, David Atten-Boring,
that is not true.

I preserve nature.

I donate to
the National Parks Foundation,

I am on the board...

The human chatters
in protest,

not realizing that even
national parks

are human-made constructions.
What?

In fact, the man who conceived
of the very idea, John Muir,

himself irreparably
altered an entire ecosystem

in American's greatest park,
Yosemite.

Ah, there he is now,

entering Yosemite
for the very first time.

My goodness!

We must preserve this pristine
and untrammeled wilderness.

But the truth is,
it wasn't untrammeled at all.

Are you gonna do that voice
for the whole time?

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Nah, that was enough.

The Ahwahnechee People
had made their home

in the area
we now know as Yosemite

for at least 3,500 years.

But Muir didn't consider them
natural in the least.

These people are most ugly,
some altogether hideous.

They have no right place
in the landscape.

Get them out of here!

(RIFLE COCKING)

Wait, the father
of America's national parks

believed in ethnic cleansing?

Pretty much, yeah.

But what Muir
didn't realize

was the supposedly pristine
nature he found

was in fact created
by the Ahwahnechee,

because for millennia,
they had cultivated the land

by selectively pruning plants,
sowing seeds,

and setting controlled fires.

What?

But forest fires
are bad, right?

To the contrary.

Forest fires
are actually necessary

to maintain the health
of a forest.

And by conducting
controlled burns,

the Ahwahnechee
cleared undergrowth

and made space
for new plants to grow,

increasing biodiversity.

Only we can start
forest fires.

(GUN COCKING)

After they were kicked out,
the undergrowth returned,

and without regular
controlled fires,

the forest became
twice as dense,

and as more vegetation had
to compete for water, drier.

So now, instead of many
small controlled burns,

Yosemite is more prone
to rare-but-extreme wildfires.

Muir didn't preserve
Yosemite's landscape

he completely altered it.

What?!
I thought that conversation

was all about preserving nature
in its natural state...

To have as little
impact as possible.

Sorry.
Try as we might,

our species is incapable
of having no impact

on the natural world.

Everywhere we go
is affected by our presence.

Simply going on a hike
in the woods

changes the ecosystem you visit.

One study found
that hiking trails

create a corridor of impact,

wherein wildlife reacts
to human presence

up to 100 meters
on either side of the trail.

And just by traveling
from place to place,

we introduce non-native species

into new environments
all the time,

even if it's just
the tiny bacteria

and fungi on your shoes.

(BIRCH)
But people have to travel.

How am I supposed
to protect nature

if I can't even get to it?

(ADAM)
The truth is,
there quite literally

isn't a spot on Earth

that hasn't been impacted
by humanity's existence.

The Atlantic Ocean
is so crowded

with fishing boats,
shipping lines,

undersea cables
and chemical runoff,

that right whales
now effectively live

in a noisy and polluted
underwater city.

To feed our massive appetite,

humanity now breeds
so much livestock

that our animal food supply

outweighs all other
terrestrial mammals

by 14 times.

We've even changed
the air itself.

5,000 years ago
the dawn of rice farming

released so much methane
into the atmosphere

it actually thwarted
a second Ice Age.

And thanks to increased
forest clearing,

factory emissions,
electricity generation,

and transportation,
every breath we take

now contains 41% more
carbon dioxide

than it did in 1750.

The hard truth is,
human activity

is altering the Earth's
fundamental systems

on such a massive scale,
scientists believe

we've actually entered
a new geological age...

The Anthropocene.

(WOMAN)
Otherwise known
as the Age of Humans.

(ADAM)
Birch, this is Emma Marris,

a science writer
who's written extensively

about the Anthropocene.

But pure nature must
exist somewhere, right?

I've seen it in
nature documentaries.

Actually, those documentaries
are part of the problem.

They're usually filmed
as if they're in

a vast wilderness
filled with animals.

But often, they're filmed
right by the road,

and they just cut it
out of the shot.

(HORN HONKING)

What?
No!

The truth is,
the majority of the Earth

is neither totally humanized
or totally wild.

It's somewhere in between.

We've altered three-quarters
of the land on Earth.

We have dammed rivers,
we have acidified the oceans,

we have pumped the atmosphere
full of carbon dioxide,

and we have moved
plants and animals around

on a massive scale.

And our effects on the planet
threaten life on Earth.

Our impact is immense
and deeply scary.

Entire ecosystems are on
the verge of being wiped out.

And because we transformed
their homes

and turned up
the temperature,

and introduced
new predators,

many species are on
the verge of extinction.

A meteor triggered
the mass extinction

that wiped out the dinosaurs.

And unless we make
drastic changes in how we live,

we could be the next meteor.

And although
the planet will survive,

our impact will be felt

in the geological record
for eternity.

So, there's no pristine,
untouched nature to preserve.

I'm afraid not.

Well, how do I go on living
in a world like that?

Don't lose heart, Birch.

There's still so much
we can do to protect

the nature right
in our own back...

No, Adam!
Just leave me here to die.

There's nothing left
to talk about.

Man, he is taking
this hard.

Pfft.
Nature bros.

(WHISTLING THEME)

Just leave me here
to die, Adam.

What's the point of living

if there's no more nature
to protect?

No matter how I try
and minimize my impact,

it's too late!

Forest beasts and insects come!

Feast upon my pitiful
human flesh!

Return me to the earth
so that I may harm you no more.

Yikes.
Birch, you are taking this

too hard, man.

Yeah, I think
I see the problem.

Birch, if you try
to define nature

as a place that's totally
untouched by humanity,

yeah, you're not gonna
find that on this planet.

But I think you just have
the wrong definition.

Instead, you could
define nature

as anywhere
where live thrives,

anywhere where there's
multiple species interacting.

And when you do that,
something kind of
amazing happens.

This becomes just as much
a part of nature

as Yosemite is.

Even a city park
like this one

is full of diverse plants,
insects, and other species,

including humans!

We're a part
of nature too.

And yes, that means
we can't help but impact it.

But we're unique among
all these species

in that we can
understand and change

the impact we're having.

And that gives us the power
and the responsibility

to nourish and protect
the natural world.

The trends we talked
about today are troubling.

But we can slow
and even reverse them

if we act now to fight
climate change,

and to protect not just
the nature out there,

but also the nature
here in our own backyards.

And that way,
you and everyone

can have a life filled
with nature every day.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna do a little
urban bird watching.

(BIRD CALLING)

(GASPS)
A bufflehead?

This time of year?
Amazing.

Wow.

You know, I never
thought of it that way.

I don't have to go out
into the wilderness

to commune with nature.

It's all around me!
(LAUGHS)

Hello, anas platyrhynchos!

(DUCK QUACKING)

And hello to you,
muhlenbergia rigens.

And a heartfelt hello
to you...

homo sapiens.

Birch, you're back.

I thought you said
city hikes were beneath you

and you needed to climb
Mount Everest to "escape."

(CLEARS THROAT)
My fellow outdoors people!

Please, forgive me.

I now see the error
of my ways.

This urban park is worthy
of as much respect

as the highest peaks.

Will you accept me
back into your fold?

Uh... sure.

We're leaving now, though.

Oh!
(LAUGHS)

Oh, Adam, I can't
thank you enough.

I now feel more
in touch with nature

than I ever did before.

Would you like
to join our hike?

I would love to!
I even brought a snack.

My patented trail bologna.

Um... never mind.

Okay, haha, more for me!

Mm!
Sweet and slimy!

(CHUCKLES)
Mm!

(WHISTLING THEME)

Okay, so we're here
at Griffith Park,

which is the big park in LA.

And we've been
shooting here all day.

You keep pointing out all
these animals all around us.

Well, we keep getting
practically interrupted

by, like, herds of deer,

and red-tail hawks come
swooping out of the sky,

and there's acorn woodpeckers
flitting amongst us.

We're shooting a scene
where it's supposed

to be ecological
devastation,

and we're getting,
like, mobbed by wildlife.

So, that's your point, right?

That, like, there's so much
nature all around us

that we don't...
We don't even acknowledge.

Yeah, I mean,
it's one of my points,

one of my many points,
but I think...
Sure.

You have... your one
of many points.

But I do, I think that,
you know,

we've been sort of trained
in part by nature documentaries

to see nature as something
that's far away

and out there...
Right.

...and it's something
that only rich people

can afford to access.

And often, that means
that we just don't have

our nature eyes on when
we're just walking

around the city,
but there's tons here.

And your philosophy is,
make more nature

everywhere we can.
Yes.

And the nice thing
about not fixating

on this sort of super-pristine
untouched nature,

is that you can't make
more of that stuff.

Mm.
You can't make more
of untouched nature.

Right.
But you can make
more nature.

You can take a place
that's denuded of species,

and you can bring that
biodiversity level up.

I read a study recently
that since 1970,

like, 60% of wildlife
has declined

in areas that we thought
were, hey, wild,

and the animals
just hanging out there.

How do we remain optimistic
when that's happening?

Well, we need to take those
declines really seriously.

But I think that
it's important to realize

that those are declines in
the numbers of each species,

not in the numbers
of species, right?
Okay.

So 60% of species
aren't extinct.

It's just many species
are on these downward trends.

Got it.
So, the bad news is,

the numbers of animals
are going down

'cause we are
squeezing them out.

Mm-hmm.
But the good news is,

is that there's still time
to turn the ship around.

There is still time
to reform our ways

and to change our ways so that
these species can come back.

How do we do that?
What... what are things
that people can do?

Well, there's a bunch
of really important

structural things
that we need to do, right?

So, we can all be super-good,

and we can all
have our bag

that we take
to the grocery store.

(LAUGHING)
The canvas bag, yeah, yeah.

The canvas bags.
But what we really
need to do

is we really need to have,
like, big, big changes

in how... in what kind
of fuels we're using,

the kind of energy mix
that we're using.

Yeah.
How we're permitting
development.

Those new roads that
you think are inevitable,

like, we can decide not
to build those new roads.

Or build them differently
or put them in different
places, or...

Yeah, right.

You know, there are big
systemic things to do.

So, I actually think that
the most important thing

that we can do
as individuals

is get a little bit
politically involved.

Mm.
Actually,
that's more important

than the whole
shopping bag thing.

I mean, we've all been
sort of trained

that the way
we can be good people

is being good consumers

and buying the right kind
of green stuff.

But I think that
it's actually better

to occasionally just feed
your kids a frozen pizza,

and then go to
the city council meeting

and make sure that
the zoning laws...
Right, right.

...in your town are conducive
to biodiversity.

It is really dire.

Situation is bad.
There's a lot of work to do.

But the message that I hope
that we can bring across

is that it isn't
too late, right?

Because if it's too late,
then people stop trying
to make a change.

Right.
The goals that are important
to me are stopping extinctions,

increasing biodiversity,
making sure that everybody

and their brother
has access to nature.

Right.
Those are goals

that are achievable, right?

And they don't involve
trying to go back in time.

It's a changing world,
it's not gonna go back

to some pristine,
pure state.

And there never
was some magical day

that everything was right
with the world.

Yeah.
We just gotta
keep figuring out

how can we make a better
world looking forward.
Yeah.

Thank you so much for coming.
I really appreciate it.
Yeah, thank you
for having me.