Adam-12 (1968–1975): Season 1, Episode 26 - Log 22:...So This Little Guy Goes Into a Bar, and... - full transcript
Wells tells Reed a joke before shift that has Reed in stitches which he tells Malloy in between calls on the shift. An elderly lady reports her jealous friends took a mink scarf. She keeps it in the refrigerator but Malloy discovers it in the freezer. A domestic dispute has an angry husband cutting his wife's hand but Malloy has a bad feeling about it. Further checking proves Malloy right. They wanted the husband arrested to increase their welfare payments. Reed finishes the story with Malloy and two officers at dinner but only one of the officers thinks it is funny. A noisy party call involves Reed's high school friend who thought Reed would ignore the issue but Reed forces him to quiet down the party much to everyone's displeasure.
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12,
possible 459
suspects there now.
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12,
a 415, man with a gun.
1-Adam-12, no warrant.
Lincoln, X-Ray, Ida 483.
1-Adam-12, a 415, fight group
with chains and knives.
(Wells) So, anyways, see,
there was this little guy
and he was sittin'
in a bar,
and he's havin' a beer.
Now, standin'
just a few feet away is--
You want
some coffee?
No, thanks.
Don't be a point-killer,
will you?
Go on.
Just a few feet away,
is standin' one of the toughest,
meanest-looking dudes.
Hey, what happened
to you guys last night?
We never did see you.
We got hung up
over on Central.
Somebody busted
a dress shop about 11:00.
Oh, yeah?
The}! get anything?
37 dresses.
They must've
seen us rollin' up
because they dumped them all
in an alley
about a block away.
You know,
we had to come back here
and book every one of 'em.
Dress by dress.
We didn't get out of here
till 2:00 in the morning.
No kidding.
Oh, hey,
it's about that time.
You know, I sat up till
about 5:30 this morning
watching the Late Show.
They used to make
some pretty good pictures.
Don't know, mister," he says,
"it's a pretty good-sized dog."
You cumin"?
I'll be with you in a minute.
I gotta hear the end of this.
Must be a pretty good story.
Clean, too.
Ed Wells telling Reed another
one of his real good ones, huh?
I hope it's one of
his real good ones.
I mean, I figure I'm gonna be
hearin' it all night long.
[laughs]
What's with you?
Oh, it's that story
Ed Wells was tellin' me.
It's--it's too much.
You mean
you just got it?
No, I was just
thinkin' about it again.
L-it's really funny.
It'll kill you.
[female dispatcher chattering]
This guy goes into this bar
one night and he's--
Uh, is this, uh,
gonna be a long story?
Yeah, pretty long. What's wrong?
Don't you wanna hear it?
No, go ahead.
Okay, so, uh,
this guy goes into this bar.
He's a-a little meek man
with glasses,
and he's, uh,
got this funny-lookin',
little squatty dog
on a leash.
You haven't heard this one
before, have you?
Oh, I don't know.
A lot of stories
start that way.
You know, a guy walks into
a bar with somethin',
uh, a duck, or a mongoose,
or a dead cat.
This isn't the one where the,
uh, dog's a ventriloquist?
No, no.
This is ten times funnier.
So, anyway.
He, the little guy,
goes into the bar
and--and he's got
this peculiar-looking,
little squatty dog
on a leash.
And, uh, he walks up
and he orders a beer.
Now, just a few feet away from him
at the bar is another fellow.
A big man.
And he's got a great big
ferocious dog with him.
I mean, like,
the biggest dog you ever saw.
I mean like a Great Dane
with teeth about this long.
Hmm.
And anyway--
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.
See the woman.
A 484 report.
1919 and a half,
South Bayview Terrace.
Apartment 22.
1-Adam-12. Roger.
I'll tell you
the rest of it later.
I know you will.
The ending'll fracture you.
I can't wait.
[knocking on door]
Who is it?
(Malloy)
Police.
Come on in.
Did you call the police,
ma'am?
Yes.
I'm Mrs. Hoyt.
Uh, my name's Malloy.
And this is Officer Reed.
I don't know how
you go about these things,
but I suppose
you want to wander around
and investigate.
N-no, ma'am. First we'd
like to take the report.
Oh, well.
Oh! Don't touch them.
Well, excuse me.
These are the glasses that the
girls used this afternoon.
I put them aside
very carefully for you.
Fingerprints, naturally.
I see.
Well, I suppose the fingerprints
are all ruined now.
(?OW
We?, no matter.
What was stolen,
Mrs. Hoyt?
My mink.
A mink coat?
No, a scarf.
Wild mink.
A beautiful thing.
What was it worth?
I don't know.
Alfred gave it to me.
Maj. Collins, that is.
He had his own battalion
during the war.
Yes, ma'am.
Very distinguished man.
Had all kinds of medals
from the French.
That was the First World War,
of course.
Can you estimate its value?
Uh, $80, $100, $200?
Oh, $100 easily.
When did you first realize
the scarf was missing?
Well, about an hour ago.
I looked in the refrigerator
and it was gone.
In where?
The refrigerator.
You put the scarf
in the refrigerator?
Certainly.
It's the best place
in the world for a mink.
Can I have your full name,
Mrs. Hoyt?
Alice V. Hoyt.
My husband was one of the
New Mexico Hoyts, you know.
I was originally a Vernon.
The Connecticut branch.
Well, is there any indication
anybody broke in?
Oh, no.
I can tell you
exactly what happened.
All right. You go ahead.
I had the girls over here
this afternoon for cards.
We do that every Friday
and today was my turn.
Clara Mortensen, Margaret Hill
and Ethel Shagrue.
It was one of them.
Except, I don't think
it was Clara.
Uh, do they know that, uh,
you keep the mink
in the refrigerator?
Oh, yes.
They kid me about it.
Ethel will say,
"Well, Alice,
has it gone bald yet?"
That sort of thing.
Pure jealousy,
of course.
When Alfred,
that's Maj. Collins,
gave it to me,
their noses
were all out of joint.
They all had
their eye on him.
He has money.
He was in lumber up north.
What makes you think
one of the ladies took it?
Spite work, of course.
Whichever one took it
will have to burn it
or run it down the disposal
or something like that.
But it won't make the slightest
difference, naturally.
When a man like the Major
feels the way he does,
well...
ls there a chance you might
have mislaid the scarf?
Oh, no.
Did you look
anyplace else for it?
I always keep it
in the refrigerator.
Except when
I'm defrosting.
Would you mind
if I took a look?
Go right ahead.
Second shelf.
Mind the fingerprints
on the handle.
(Reed) Uh, would you
give me the, uh,
addresses of the other ladies?
(Hoyt)
There' s Clara Mortensen.
She lives over on Hillside.
1632.
She's about my age.
Five-foot three.
Blue hair. And she--
Blue hair?
Well, it's really gray,
but she uses
one of those blue rinses.
You know.
Well, and at her age, too.
Yes, ma'am.
And Ethel--
(Malloy)
I found it.
No. Where?
You must've been
a little confused, ma'am.
It was in
the freezer compartment.
Oh, my-
Wh-what will I tell the girls?
[Reed chuckling]
1-Adam-12, clear.
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, clear.
Nice old girl.
Yeah, she was.
Well, anyway,
back to the story.
Where was I?
Uh, two guys in a bar.
And one of 'em has
a funny-looking little dog
and the other one
has a great big one.
Right.
Uh, I should've told you.
The, uh, little funny-looking
dog was yellow.
Okay.
Well, uh, the big guy,
he looks over at
the little guy
and then he looks down
at the yellow dog
and he bursts out laughin',
and he says,
"That's the funniest-lookin'
dog I've ever seen."
And the little guy
just nods and he says,
"I agree with you.
He's not much for looks,
but, uh, he can sure fight."
And the big man says,
"Uh-huh. My dog is a fighter."
He says, "There ain't a dog in
the world that can whip him."
And, uh, anyway, they went on
like this for a few minutes,
and, uh, pretty soon
the big guy says,
"Okay, put your money
where your mouth is, sport.
I'm gonna bet you $500
my dog can beat yours."
So they made the bet--
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.
Man assaulting a woman.
522, North Hudson,
1-Adam-12, Code 2.
1-Adam-12, roger.
I don't think I'm ever gonna
get to finish the story.
Don't worry.
It's gonna be along night.
Police officers.
I been waitin' on you.
What's goin' on?
He hit me. And cut me.
Who?
My husband.
Did he take off?
No, he's inside.
Did he use a knife?
(Muriel)
Huh-huh.
Does he still have it?
No.
What's his name?
Henry.
Okay, Henry.
Come on out.
(Henry)
I'm goin' to the kitchen.
Just hold it
right here.
Don't put your hands
on me.
Just hold it.
Now, take it easy, Henry.
(Henry) You're not going
to put them things on me!
Come on, you kids get back
in the bedroom! Hurry up.
(Henry)
Just 'cause I push her around
you guys gonna make
a big deal out of it?
Better give him his rights.
Okay.
Okay.
Now see what you done.
I don't want
to talk to you.
I need your full name.
Muriel J. Fletcher.
[Reed chattering]
What was it?
A fight?
I don't wanna
talk about it.
Just take him to jail.
Get him out of here.
We have to know
what happened.
I suppose.
Yeah, we've been fightin'.
What about?
Mostly him just layin'
around the place.
He'd been
goin' at some of the kids.
No reason at all.
I tried to make him quit.
How many children
do you have?
Five.
Well, he hit me.
And knocked me down.
I was gettin' up,
when the next thing I know,
he come at me with a knife.
Well, I put my hand up.
You know, like this?
Mmm-hmm.
And he cut me.
Well,
I got out of here somehow.
And I got to the phone.
It happened right here
in this room, huh?
Yeah. That's right.
Where's the knife?
In the kitchen.
On the table.
You ever been
arrested before?
Yup.
What for?
Burglary.
You wanna
tell me about it?
Well, it was
a couple of months ago.
Um, nothing to it.
The judge let me loose.
(Reed)
Anything else?
(Henry) Well, I done some time
about, uh, eight years ago.
That was for burglary, too.
He waived his rights.
He said they were
fightin' over the kids
and he lost his temper.
Okay.
We'll have to take this
in with us, Mrs. Fletcher.
Take anything you want,
as long as he goes, too.
So long.
Good-bye.
[door closing]
Hold it right here,
Henry.
Does this whole thing
seem a little hinky to you?
I don't know. I haven't
given it much thought.
Maybe it's just me.
Did you notice
any blood on the floor?
No.
Neither did I.
[clattering]
Uh, we goin' or ain't we?
Hang onto him, huh?
[receiver thudding]
[knocking]
Mrs. Fletcher, you used that
phone out in the hall, right?
Yeah. Why?
Then you came
right back in here?
Yeah, like I told you.
Weren't you afraid?
I mean,
your husband had just cut you.
Um, no, he--he generally
quiets down real quick.
And, uh,
I had to get my hand tied up.
It was bleeding?
Sure.
Would you mind
if I took a look?
Okay.
When did it happen?
20 minutes now, I expect.
You heal up pretty fast.
Looks more like
yesterday to me.
I told you he done it!
Now why don't you
just arrest him
and stop botherin' me?
That's a pretty bad cut
on her hand.
I'm sorry about it.
How did she cut herself?
On a tin can or a bottle?
Well, I done it.
Just like she told you.
Mmm-hmm.
Now let's get goin'. I--I don't like
standin' around here like this.
What do you do
for a living, Henry?
I work in a warehouse.
And you haven't been
working much lately, huh?
I got a lot of trouble
with my leg.
You're on welfare, right?
Come on, Henry.
We can check it out
fast enough.
That's right, I'm on welfare.
And this whole thing
was your wife's idea.
No, it was her idea
and my idea.
We've got five hungry
young ones in there.
We started talking about it
yesterday
after she cut herself,
all right?
And that little scuffle
was just to make it look good?
That's right.
You got enough under me
to ride a good shake?
Uh-huh.
Okay, kick him loose.
[handcuffs rattling]
I don't get it.
If he's in jail,
she gets more welfare money.
Sorry, Henry.
You better get that hand
looked at at a clinic.
You guys are always
ready to arrest me
when I don't want you to.
That's life, Henry.
No justice.
Do you remember
where I was?
Yeah. The funny little dog
and the big dog
were just about
to fight.
Right. So, uh, the big guy
and the little guy,
uh, they made the bet.
And they took the dogs
out in the alley.
Now the big guy,
he sicked the Great Dane
on the little yellow dog.
For about ten seconds,
all you could see
was brown fur flyin'.
And, uh, pretty soon
the Great Dane, he takes off,
the tail between his legs,
just whipped.
And the big guy stood there and
he shook his head and he says,
"I didn't think there was any
dog that could whip mine,
let alone a little runty
thing like that."
And, uh,
the little guy says,
"Well, maybe I should've
mentioned it.
"Before I cut off his tail
and painted him yellow,
he was an alligator."
Uh, you didn't laugh.
I'm sorry.
Oh, don't you get it?
Sure.
It was an alligator.
Painted yellow. I get it.
It's funny.
I don't understand it.
I don't know, Pete.
A guy leadin' an alligator
around on a leash,
now, that's funny.
All right.
And, uh, paintin' him yellow.
That's a very funny idea.
Lighten up on me,
will you, partner?
It's just a joke.
Yeah, and it's one of
the funniest ones
I've heard in a long time.
Sickin' a Great Dane
on an alligator.
I can't help it.
It just didn't do anything
for me.
You know, Pete, uh,
humor can be very revealing.
Next time, I'll laugh.
No matter what.
Well, what's the sense in
tellin' you a joke
if you're not gonna give it
an honest reaction?
In about one minute,
I'm gonna give you
an honest reaction.
I'm gonna paint you yellow.
How's it goin'?
Oh, okay, I guess.
What's with him?
I think
he's mad at me.
Come on. I was tellin' him
a joke Ed Wells told me
and I can't figure why
he doesn't think it's funny.
It's funny.
It's just not hysterical.
So what's the story?
(Reed)
You wanna hear it?
Sure.
(Reed) Okay, well,
it's like this, see.
This little guy comes into
this bar, and he's got--
Uh, hold it, hold it,
will you?
Uh, you mind
if we order first?
Sure, go ahead.
Uh, so, anyway,
the little guy says,
"Maybe I should've
told you.
"Before I cut off his tail
and painted him yellow,
he was an alligator."
That's it?
Yeah, that's it.
[Reed chuckling]
I see what you mean, Pete.
[Brinkman laughing]
What's with you?
That's funny.
I mean,
that's really funny.
Yeah, I told you it's funny,
didn't I?
That's right.
You did.
You really think so?
(Walters)
Well, what's so funny?
I mean, what...
Come on, tell me,
what's so funny about
an alligator with no tail?
I think that's the most
disgusting story
lever heard in my life.
I don't see
what she got so upset about.
I mean,
it was only a joke.
Like, uh, nobody really
cut off an alligator's tail.
Some women are
very literal-minded.
[radio chattering]
Yeah.
And, you know,
I always thought
Walters had
a pretty good sense of humor.
It's just
one of those stories.
Some people like it,
some people don't.
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.
See the man, a 415 party.
922, Curson Drive.
Apartment C.
1-Adam-12. Roger.
I'm not gonna tell
that story anymore.
Too chancy.
Good idea.
N'[music playing]
Are you the party
that complained?
Can you blame me?
Been goin' for two hours.
Gettin' louder and louder.
The Hewlitts, they're pretty
quiet people most of the time.
But I can't get
my kids to sleep.
I've been upstairs twice now,
askin' Howie to keep it down.
You know, neighborly.
Heck, we throw a party
of our own once in a while,
but never like this.
Howard Hewlitt?
Yeah.
You know, you don't like to
call the cops on a neighbor,
but I don't know
what else to do.
We'll go up
and see about it.
Is he about my age?
(man)
Yeah.
Thank you.
[people chattering]
[woman laughing]
Howie.
You know him?
Yeah, if it's the same guy.
I went to school with him.
We were on the track team
together.
N'[music blaring]
Officers.
May I speak to you
a minute, please?
Look, why don't I go
take care of the party?
Howie and I were
pretty good friends.
It'll probably be easier
if I took care of it myself.
Okay.
N'[music continues blaring]
Hey, hey!
Uh, uh,
wh-what's the trouble?
I'd like to talk
with Howard Hewlitt.
Who's that?
Howie Hewlitt.
Oh, Howie. Yeah, come
on in, come on in.
[chuckles]
I'll find him.
He's over here someplace.
Hey, Howie!
Hey, Howie!
Hey, Howie! Hey, Howie.
There's a cop over there
who wants to see you.
Hey, Jim!
What a surprise.
How long's it been?
About three years,
anyway.
Oh, at least.
Hey, it's great
to see you again.
You too. How you been doin'?
Well, see for yourself,
Jim, baby.
How long you been a cop?
Well, uh--
Hey, you know who this is?
Jim Reed.
Went to school with me.
On the track team together.
Now he's a cop.
Come on,
you've got to meet my wife.
Wait a minute, Howie. I got to talk to you.
I'm here on business.
It's the neighbors,
they complainin'.
The party's too loud.
You've got to cut it down.
Hey, Jan! Jan!
(Howie)
Jan.
You won't believe this, honey.
Look who just walked in.
You've heard me
talk about Jim Reed?
Uh-huh.
(Howie) Well, here he is.
In the flesh.
In a cop suit.
Jan, meet Jim. Jim, Jan.
Jim, Jan. That's funny.
One more drink and I
wouldn't be able to say it.
You went to school together,
I believe?
Yeah, we did.
(Howie)
Both on the track team.
Jim here's the best quarter-miler
the school ever had.
Howie, will you listen to me?
I'm listenin'.
I'm listenin'.
Howie, you've got to get
this place quieted down.
It's great to see you again,
you know that?
Howie, I mean it.
You've got to get this place
quieted down.
Sure, sure. I'll go do it.
You hang onto him, honey.
Howie's told me
so much about you.
Are you married?
Yeah, I am.
We got married
two years ago this August.
We were in San Diego
for a while,
and then we came back here
about a year ago.
N'[music continues blaring]
Yeah, well, uh...
Look, excuse me.
Nice meetin' you.
Howie.
Hey, Jan's great,
isn't she?
Look, I've told you twice now.
You've got to get
this place quieted down.
Okay, you've done your duty.
I know you can't drink but
how about something to eat?
I mean it.
These are all people
I work with.
You know how it is.
I mean, what's the sense of having
one of your best friends a cop?
Either you get
this place quieted down
or I'm gonna have to
arrest you.
You're not kiddin', are you?
No. I'm not kidding.
Okay.
Hey, everybody,
listen to me.
Listen to me!
Turn that thing down.
I just got the word.
We're gonna have to
hold the noise down
or else the fuzz
is gonna make trouble.
Okay?
What's the D.R. number
on that?
[phone ringing]
Thanks.
What was that all about?
Oh, no sweat.
They just wanted me to correct
some punctuation on my report.
You know that story
I told you?
Yeah.
Well, the Lieutenant's tellin' it to
some guys that just got off watch.
And, uh,
he's gettin' it all wrong.
You know the part where the-- where
the guy comes into the bar...
[men laughing]
[men continue laughing]
I don't know.
Maybe I don't tell it right.
Oh, you tell it right.
You're just not
Lieutenant yet.
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12,
possible 459
suspects there now.
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12,
a 415, man with a gun.
1-Adam-12, no warrant.
Lincoln, X-Ray, Ida 483.
1-Adam-12, a 415, fight group
with chains and knives.
(Wells) So, anyways, see,
there was this little guy
and he was sittin'
in a bar,
and he's havin' a beer.
Now, standin'
just a few feet away is--
You want
some coffee?
No, thanks.
Don't be a point-killer,
will you?
Go on.
Just a few feet away,
is standin' one of the toughest,
meanest-looking dudes.
Hey, what happened
to you guys last night?
We never did see you.
We got hung up
over on Central.
Somebody busted
a dress shop about 11:00.
Oh, yeah?
The}! get anything?
37 dresses.
They must've
seen us rollin' up
because they dumped them all
in an alley
about a block away.
You know,
we had to come back here
and book every one of 'em.
Dress by dress.
We didn't get out of here
till 2:00 in the morning.
No kidding.
Oh, hey,
it's about that time.
You know, I sat up till
about 5:30 this morning
watching the Late Show.
They used to make
some pretty good pictures.
Don't know, mister," he says,
"it's a pretty good-sized dog."
You cumin"?
I'll be with you in a minute.
I gotta hear the end of this.
Must be a pretty good story.
Clean, too.
Ed Wells telling Reed another
one of his real good ones, huh?
I hope it's one of
his real good ones.
I mean, I figure I'm gonna be
hearin' it all night long.
[laughs]
What's with you?
Oh, it's that story
Ed Wells was tellin' me.
It's--it's too much.
You mean
you just got it?
No, I was just
thinkin' about it again.
L-it's really funny.
It'll kill you.
[female dispatcher chattering]
This guy goes into this bar
one night and he's--
Uh, is this, uh,
gonna be a long story?
Yeah, pretty long. What's wrong?
Don't you wanna hear it?
No, go ahead.
Okay, so, uh,
this guy goes into this bar.
He's a-a little meek man
with glasses,
and he's, uh,
got this funny-lookin',
little squatty dog
on a leash.
You haven't heard this one
before, have you?
Oh, I don't know.
A lot of stories
start that way.
You know, a guy walks into
a bar with somethin',
uh, a duck, or a mongoose,
or a dead cat.
This isn't the one where the,
uh, dog's a ventriloquist?
No, no.
This is ten times funnier.
So, anyway.
He, the little guy,
goes into the bar
and--and he's got
this peculiar-looking,
little squatty dog
on a leash.
And, uh, he walks up
and he orders a beer.
Now, just a few feet away from him
at the bar is another fellow.
A big man.
And he's got a great big
ferocious dog with him.
I mean, like,
the biggest dog you ever saw.
I mean like a Great Dane
with teeth about this long.
Hmm.
And anyway--
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.
See the woman.
A 484 report.
1919 and a half,
South Bayview Terrace.
Apartment 22.
1-Adam-12. Roger.
I'll tell you
the rest of it later.
I know you will.
The ending'll fracture you.
I can't wait.
[knocking on door]
Who is it?
(Malloy)
Police.
Come on in.
Did you call the police,
ma'am?
Yes.
I'm Mrs. Hoyt.
Uh, my name's Malloy.
And this is Officer Reed.
I don't know how
you go about these things,
but I suppose
you want to wander around
and investigate.
N-no, ma'am. First we'd
like to take the report.
Oh, well.
Oh! Don't touch them.
Well, excuse me.
These are the glasses that the
girls used this afternoon.
I put them aside
very carefully for you.
Fingerprints, naturally.
I see.
Well, I suppose the fingerprints
are all ruined now.
(?OW
We?, no matter.
What was stolen,
Mrs. Hoyt?
My mink.
A mink coat?
No, a scarf.
Wild mink.
A beautiful thing.
What was it worth?
I don't know.
Alfred gave it to me.
Maj. Collins, that is.
He had his own battalion
during the war.
Yes, ma'am.
Very distinguished man.
Had all kinds of medals
from the French.
That was the First World War,
of course.
Can you estimate its value?
Uh, $80, $100, $200?
Oh, $100 easily.
When did you first realize
the scarf was missing?
Well, about an hour ago.
I looked in the refrigerator
and it was gone.
In where?
The refrigerator.
You put the scarf
in the refrigerator?
Certainly.
It's the best place
in the world for a mink.
Can I have your full name,
Mrs. Hoyt?
Alice V. Hoyt.
My husband was one of the
New Mexico Hoyts, you know.
I was originally a Vernon.
The Connecticut branch.
Well, is there any indication
anybody broke in?
Oh, no.
I can tell you
exactly what happened.
All right. You go ahead.
I had the girls over here
this afternoon for cards.
We do that every Friday
and today was my turn.
Clara Mortensen, Margaret Hill
and Ethel Shagrue.
It was one of them.
Except, I don't think
it was Clara.
Uh, do they know that, uh,
you keep the mink
in the refrigerator?
Oh, yes.
They kid me about it.
Ethel will say,
"Well, Alice,
has it gone bald yet?"
That sort of thing.
Pure jealousy,
of course.
When Alfred,
that's Maj. Collins,
gave it to me,
their noses
were all out of joint.
They all had
their eye on him.
He has money.
He was in lumber up north.
What makes you think
one of the ladies took it?
Spite work, of course.
Whichever one took it
will have to burn it
or run it down the disposal
or something like that.
But it won't make the slightest
difference, naturally.
When a man like the Major
feels the way he does,
well...
ls there a chance you might
have mislaid the scarf?
Oh, no.
Did you look
anyplace else for it?
I always keep it
in the refrigerator.
Except when
I'm defrosting.
Would you mind
if I took a look?
Go right ahead.
Second shelf.
Mind the fingerprints
on the handle.
(Reed) Uh, would you
give me the, uh,
addresses of the other ladies?
(Hoyt)
There' s Clara Mortensen.
She lives over on Hillside.
1632.
She's about my age.
Five-foot three.
Blue hair. And she--
Blue hair?
Well, it's really gray,
but she uses
one of those blue rinses.
You know.
Well, and at her age, too.
Yes, ma'am.
And Ethel--
(Malloy)
I found it.
No. Where?
You must've been
a little confused, ma'am.
It was in
the freezer compartment.
Oh, my-
Wh-what will I tell the girls?
[Reed chuckling]
1-Adam-12, clear.
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, clear.
Nice old girl.
Yeah, she was.
Well, anyway,
back to the story.
Where was I?
Uh, two guys in a bar.
And one of 'em has
a funny-looking little dog
and the other one
has a great big one.
Right.
Uh, I should've told you.
The, uh, little funny-looking
dog was yellow.
Okay.
Well, uh, the big guy,
he looks over at
the little guy
and then he looks down
at the yellow dog
and he bursts out laughin',
and he says,
"That's the funniest-lookin'
dog I've ever seen."
And the little guy
just nods and he says,
"I agree with you.
He's not much for looks,
but, uh, he can sure fight."
And the big man says,
"Uh-huh. My dog is a fighter."
He says, "There ain't a dog in
the world that can whip him."
And, uh, anyway, they went on
like this for a few minutes,
and, uh, pretty soon
the big guy says,
"Okay, put your money
where your mouth is, sport.
I'm gonna bet you $500
my dog can beat yours."
So they made the bet--
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.
Man assaulting a woman.
522, North Hudson,
1-Adam-12, Code 2.
1-Adam-12, roger.
I don't think I'm ever gonna
get to finish the story.
Don't worry.
It's gonna be along night.
Police officers.
I been waitin' on you.
What's goin' on?
He hit me. And cut me.
Who?
My husband.
Did he take off?
No, he's inside.
Did he use a knife?
(Muriel)
Huh-huh.
Does he still have it?
No.
What's his name?
Henry.
Okay, Henry.
Come on out.
(Henry)
I'm goin' to the kitchen.
Just hold it
right here.
Don't put your hands
on me.
Just hold it.
Now, take it easy, Henry.
(Henry) You're not going
to put them things on me!
Come on, you kids get back
in the bedroom! Hurry up.
(Henry)
Just 'cause I push her around
you guys gonna make
a big deal out of it?
Better give him his rights.
Okay.
Okay.
Now see what you done.
I don't want
to talk to you.
I need your full name.
Muriel J. Fletcher.
[Reed chattering]
What was it?
A fight?
I don't wanna
talk about it.
Just take him to jail.
Get him out of here.
We have to know
what happened.
I suppose.
Yeah, we've been fightin'.
What about?
Mostly him just layin'
around the place.
He'd been
goin' at some of the kids.
No reason at all.
I tried to make him quit.
How many children
do you have?
Five.
Well, he hit me.
And knocked me down.
I was gettin' up,
when the next thing I know,
he come at me with a knife.
Well, I put my hand up.
You know, like this?
Mmm-hmm.
And he cut me.
Well,
I got out of here somehow.
And I got to the phone.
It happened right here
in this room, huh?
Yeah. That's right.
Where's the knife?
In the kitchen.
On the table.
You ever been
arrested before?
Yup.
What for?
Burglary.
You wanna
tell me about it?
Well, it was
a couple of months ago.
Um, nothing to it.
The judge let me loose.
(Reed)
Anything else?
(Henry) Well, I done some time
about, uh, eight years ago.
That was for burglary, too.
He waived his rights.
He said they were
fightin' over the kids
and he lost his temper.
Okay.
We'll have to take this
in with us, Mrs. Fletcher.
Take anything you want,
as long as he goes, too.
So long.
Good-bye.
[door closing]
Hold it right here,
Henry.
Does this whole thing
seem a little hinky to you?
I don't know. I haven't
given it much thought.
Maybe it's just me.
Did you notice
any blood on the floor?
No.
Neither did I.
[clattering]
Uh, we goin' or ain't we?
Hang onto him, huh?
[receiver thudding]
[knocking]
Mrs. Fletcher, you used that
phone out in the hall, right?
Yeah. Why?
Then you came
right back in here?
Yeah, like I told you.
Weren't you afraid?
I mean,
your husband had just cut you.
Um, no, he--he generally
quiets down real quick.
And, uh,
I had to get my hand tied up.
It was bleeding?
Sure.
Would you mind
if I took a look?
Okay.
When did it happen?
20 minutes now, I expect.
You heal up pretty fast.
Looks more like
yesterday to me.
I told you he done it!
Now why don't you
just arrest him
and stop botherin' me?
That's a pretty bad cut
on her hand.
I'm sorry about it.
How did she cut herself?
On a tin can or a bottle?
Well, I done it.
Just like she told you.
Mmm-hmm.
Now let's get goin'. I--I don't like
standin' around here like this.
What do you do
for a living, Henry?
I work in a warehouse.
And you haven't been
working much lately, huh?
I got a lot of trouble
with my leg.
You're on welfare, right?
Come on, Henry.
We can check it out
fast enough.
That's right, I'm on welfare.
And this whole thing
was your wife's idea.
No, it was her idea
and my idea.
We've got five hungry
young ones in there.
We started talking about it
yesterday
after she cut herself,
all right?
And that little scuffle
was just to make it look good?
That's right.
You got enough under me
to ride a good shake?
Uh-huh.
Okay, kick him loose.
[handcuffs rattling]
I don't get it.
If he's in jail,
she gets more welfare money.
Sorry, Henry.
You better get that hand
looked at at a clinic.
You guys are always
ready to arrest me
when I don't want you to.
That's life, Henry.
No justice.
Do you remember
where I was?
Yeah. The funny little dog
and the big dog
were just about
to fight.
Right. So, uh, the big guy
and the little guy,
uh, they made the bet.
And they took the dogs
out in the alley.
Now the big guy,
he sicked the Great Dane
on the little yellow dog.
For about ten seconds,
all you could see
was brown fur flyin'.
And, uh, pretty soon
the Great Dane, he takes off,
the tail between his legs,
just whipped.
And the big guy stood there and
he shook his head and he says,
"I didn't think there was any
dog that could whip mine,
let alone a little runty
thing like that."
And, uh,
the little guy says,
"Well, maybe I should've
mentioned it.
"Before I cut off his tail
and painted him yellow,
he was an alligator."
Uh, you didn't laugh.
I'm sorry.
Oh, don't you get it?
Sure.
It was an alligator.
Painted yellow. I get it.
It's funny.
I don't understand it.
I don't know, Pete.
A guy leadin' an alligator
around on a leash,
now, that's funny.
All right.
And, uh, paintin' him yellow.
That's a very funny idea.
Lighten up on me,
will you, partner?
It's just a joke.
Yeah, and it's one of
the funniest ones
I've heard in a long time.
Sickin' a Great Dane
on an alligator.
I can't help it.
It just didn't do anything
for me.
You know, Pete, uh,
humor can be very revealing.
Next time, I'll laugh.
No matter what.
Well, what's the sense in
tellin' you a joke
if you're not gonna give it
an honest reaction?
In about one minute,
I'm gonna give you
an honest reaction.
I'm gonna paint you yellow.
How's it goin'?
Oh, okay, I guess.
What's with him?
I think
he's mad at me.
Come on. I was tellin' him
a joke Ed Wells told me
and I can't figure why
he doesn't think it's funny.
It's funny.
It's just not hysterical.
So what's the story?
(Reed)
You wanna hear it?
Sure.
(Reed) Okay, well,
it's like this, see.
This little guy comes into
this bar, and he's got--
Uh, hold it, hold it,
will you?
Uh, you mind
if we order first?
Sure, go ahead.
Uh, so, anyway,
the little guy says,
"Maybe I should've
told you.
"Before I cut off his tail
and painted him yellow,
he was an alligator."
That's it?
Yeah, that's it.
[Reed chuckling]
I see what you mean, Pete.
[Brinkman laughing]
What's with you?
That's funny.
I mean,
that's really funny.
Yeah, I told you it's funny,
didn't I?
That's right.
You did.
You really think so?
(Walters)
Well, what's so funny?
I mean, what...
Come on, tell me,
what's so funny about
an alligator with no tail?
I think that's the most
disgusting story
lever heard in my life.
I don't see
what she got so upset about.
I mean,
it was only a joke.
Like, uh, nobody really
cut off an alligator's tail.
Some women are
very literal-minded.
[radio chattering]
Yeah.
And, you know,
I always thought
Walters had
a pretty good sense of humor.
It's just
one of those stories.
Some people like it,
some people don't.
(female dispatcher)
1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12.
See the man, a 415 party.
922, Curson Drive.
Apartment C.
1-Adam-12. Roger.
I'm not gonna tell
that story anymore.
Too chancy.
Good idea.
N'[music playing]
Are you the party
that complained?
Can you blame me?
Been goin' for two hours.
Gettin' louder and louder.
The Hewlitts, they're pretty
quiet people most of the time.
But I can't get
my kids to sleep.
I've been upstairs twice now,
askin' Howie to keep it down.
You know, neighborly.
Heck, we throw a party
of our own once in a while,
but never like this.
Howard Hewlitt?
Yeah.
You know, you don't like to
call the cops on a neighbor,
but I don't know
what else to do.
We'll go up
and see about it.
Is he about my age?
(man)
Yeah.
Thank you.
[people chattering]
[woman laughing]
Howie.
You know him?
Yeah, if it's the same guy.
I went to school with him.
We were on the track team
together.
N'[music blaring]
Officers.
May I speak to you
a minute, please?
Look, why don't I go
take care of the party?
Howie and I were
pretty good friends.
It'll probably be easier
if I took care of it myself.
Okay.
N'[music continues blaring]
Hey, hey!
Uh, uh,
wh-what's the trouble?
I'd like to talk
with Howard Hewlitt.
Who's that?
Howie Hewlitt.
Oh, Howie. Yeah, come
on in, come on in.
[chuckles]
I'll find him.
He's over here someplace.
Hey, Howie!
Hey, Howie!
Hey, Howie! Hey, Howie.
There's a cop over there
who wants to see you.
Hey, Jim!
What a surprise.
How long's it been?
About three years,
anyway.
Oh, at least.
Hey, it's great
to see you again.
You too. How you been doin'?
Well, see for yourself,
Jim, baby.
How long you been a cop?
Well, uh--
Hey, you know who this is?
Jim Reed.
Went to school with me.
On the track team together.
Now he's a cop.
Come on,
you've got to meet my wife.
Wait a minute, Howie. I got to talk to you.
I'm here on business.
It's the neighbors,
they complainin'.
The party's too loud.
You've got to cut it down.
Hey, Jan! Jan!
(Howie)
Jan.
You won't believe this, honey.
Look who just walked in.
You've heard me
talk about Jim Reed?
Uh-huh.
(Howie) Well, here he is.
In the flesh.
In a cop suit.
Jan, meet Jim. Jim, Jan.
Jim, Jan. That's funny.
One more drink and I
wouldn't be able to say it.
You went to school together,
I believe?
Yeah, we did.
(Howie)
Both on the track team.
Jim here's the best quarter-miler
the school ever had.
Howie, will you listen to me?
I'm listenin'.
I'm listenin'.
Howie, you've got to get
this place quieted down.
It's great to see you again,
you know that?
Howie, I mean it.
You've got to get this place
quieted down.
Sure, sure. I'll go do it.
You hang onto him, honey.
Howie's told me
so much about you.
Are you married?
Yeah, I am.
We got married
two years ago this August.
We were in San Diego
for a while,
and then we came back here
about a year ago.
N'[music continues blaring]
Yeah, well, uh...
Look, excuse me.
Nice meetin' you.
Howie.
Hey, Jan's great,
isn't she?
Look, I've told you twice now.
You've got to get
this place quieted down.
Okay, you've done your duty.
I know you can't drink but
how about something to eat?
I mean it.
These are all people
I work with.
You know how it is.
I mean, what's the sense of having
one of your best friends a cop?
Either you get
this place quieted down
or I'm gonna have to
arrest you.
You're not kiddin', are you?
No. I'm not kidding.
Okay.
Hey, everybody,
listen to me.
Listen to me!
Turn that thing down.
I just got the word.
We're gonna have to
hold the noise down
or else the fuzz
is gonna make trouble.
Okay?
What's the D.R. number
on that?
[phone ringing]
Thanks.
What was that all about?
Oh, no sweat.
They just wanted me to correct
some punctuation on my report.
You know that story
I told you?
Yeah.
Well, the Lieutenant's tellin' it to
some guys that just got off watch.
And, uh,
he's gettin' it all wrong.
You know the part where the-- where
the guy comes into the bar...
[men laughing]
[men continue laughing]
I don't know.
Maybe I don't tell it right.
Oh, you tell it right.
You're just not
Lieutenant yet.