According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 8, Episode 6 - Cabin Boys - full transcript

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ALL RIGHT, JIM, YOU ARE
GONNA LOVE EMILY'S CABIN.

OH, I ALREADY LOVE IT.

NO WIFE, NO KIDS

AND NOBODY DRINKING OUT
OF A BOTTLE EXCEPT ME. (laughs)

AND WHEN I MARRY EMILY, WE CAN
GO THERE WHENEVER WE WANT!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GOT SO LUCKY.

'CAUSE WHEN I MARRIED CHERYL,
YOU WERE THE ONLY PERK I GOT.

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOU,
YOU KNOW.

I CAN GO ALONE.

OH, YEAH? YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP
OUT IN THE WOODS

ALL BY YOURSELF IN THE DARK?
SURE.



YEAH? WITH THAT INDIAN
BURIAL GROUND A MILE AWAY?

AH, COME ON. THAT
DON'T SCARE ME. MM-HMM.

IT'S NOT LIKE
WE STOLE THEIR LAND

AND THEIR GHOSTS
WANT REVENGE.

OH, GOD, OH, GOD,
I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY!
DON'T LET ME GO ALONE!

ALL RIGHT.
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

COME ON, LET'S GO.
(laughs)

(cell phone alert chimes)

OH, GETTING A TEXT,
PROBABLY FROM THE BELOVED.

TURN AROUND.
SHE LIKES TO GET SAUCY.

COME ON, MAN.
TURN AROUND.

DON'T PEEK.

"ANDY, I WILL
ALWAYS LOVE YOU."



ANDY, WHY I AM TURNING AROUND
IF YOU'RE GONNA READ IT?

"YOU ARE
THE MOST AMAZING MAN."

(laughs) I BET THE SAUCY PART'S
COMING UP NEXT.

I'M WAITING TO BLUSH.

"BUT I HAVE MET SOMEONE NEW,

AND I AM ELOPING
TO NEW MEXICO."

WOW, UH...

UM, CAN YOU...
CAN YOU READ THE REST?

I-I DON'T THINK I CAN.

"I'M TERRIBLY SORRY
FOR HURTING YOU.

"I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON,

BUT I HAVE TO DO
WHAT I HAVE TO DO."

HOLY COW.

I JUST GOT DUMPED.

AND IT COST ME 10 CENTS.

OH, ANDY, DON'T YOU HAVE
UNLIMITED TEXTING?

OH, MY GOD.

MY FIANCéé DUMPED ME,

AND I HAVE
A REALLY BAD PHONE PLAN!

AH, THIS REALLY SUCKS.

YEAH, IT DOES.

I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, MAN.

YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED
LIKE THIS?

AH, COME ON, ANDY.
WE ALL HAVE.

OH, JIM.

I JUST WANT TO GO HOME

AND SPEND
THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN BED.

THERE'S A LITTLE MORE
TO THE MESSAGE.

REALLY?

YEAH,
LET ME SCAN DOWN HERE.

OH. "FEEL FREE TO USE
THE CABIN THIS WEEKEND.

"I KNOW JIM
WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT,

"AND HE WOULD BE
DEVASTATED

IF HE DIDN'T GET
A CHANCE TO GO."

IT DOES NOT SAY THAT.

WELL, THAT'S WHERE
HER HEART WAS.

YOU KNOW SHE CARED FOR ME.
JIM, I'M HURTIN' HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LET'S NOT COMPOUND IT BY
GETTING STUCK IN TRAFFIC. NO, NO, NO, NO.

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GO
ON A GUYS' WEEKEND NOW.

COME ON. WHY NOT?

WE BOTH KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO

IF YOU STAY HERE
ALL WEEKEND.

OH, CALL EMILY
TEN TIMES AN HOUR

AND EAT MAYONNAISE STRAIGHT FROM
THE JAR. RIGHT, AND THAT IS NOT GOOD

FOR YOUR CHOLESTEROL
OR YOUR WEEKEND MINUTES.

(groans)
NOW GIVE ME THE PHONE.

NO. GIVE ME THE PHONE.
I'LL BE STRONG FOR YOU.

NO, JIM, NO.
I DON'T THINK I CAN.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT. ANDY,
ANDY, CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

LISTEN, IF WE GO,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

ON THE WAY OUT, WE'LL STOP
FOR SOME MAYONNAISE

BEFORE WE HIT THE HIGHWAY.

WELL...

NOT THE PACKETS. THE JAR.

AND A HUG?

♪♪♪

HEY, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

YOU KNOW, YOU SOLD
THIS PLACE SHORT, ANDY...

A VIEW OF THE LAKE,
WOOD-BURNING STOVE.

STURDY BEAMS IN CASE
I WANNA HANG MYSELF.

HEY, THERE'S PROGRESS.
YOU'RE MAKING JOKES.

NO, I'M NOT. WELL, YOU'RE NOT
CRYING. THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

COME ON. LET'S GO FISHING.

HEY, UH, LET ME SEE MY
PHONE REAL QUICK. WHY?

UH, JUST CURIOUS TO SEE
HOW MANY BARS I GET OUT HERE.

ANDY!

YOU GOTTA STOP THINKING
ABOUT EMILY

AND WHO SHE'S WITH
AND WHAT HE'S DOING TO HER

AND WHERE HE'S DOING IT.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

I'M GONNA GET IN THE BATHTUB.
YOU GRAB THE TOASTER.

ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, ANDY,
COME ON, COME ON,

COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON.

WE'RE HERE.
LOOK, IT'S BEAUTIFUL...

THE TWO OF US ALL ALONE,
NOBODY WITHIN MILES OF US.

WHAT THE HELL?

JERRY?
WHO?

EMILY'S EX-HUSBAND.

YOU MET
WHEN I PROPOSED TO HER.

OH, SORRY, JERRY.
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

YOU'RE NOT SOBBING
UNCONTROLLABLY.

(wailing) SHE LEFT US!

THERE YOU ARE, JERRY.
HOW YOU DOING?

YOU GOT THE TEXT?

NEW MEXICO! (sobbing)

DID YOU SEE THE PICTURE?

MY PHONE
DOESN'T DO PICTURES.

WHAT KIND OF A PHONE PLAN
DO YOU HAVE?

THE KID AT THE MALL SAID I WAS
GETTING A REALLY GOOD DEAL!

(both wailing)

COME ON, GUYS.
STOP YOUR WAILING.

THE MOOSE ARE GONNA THINK
IT'S MATING SEASON.

(both continue sobbing)

I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT
I'D BE ALONE UP HERE.

IT'S WHERE I COME
WHEN I MISS HER.

BUT SHE GOT THE CABIN
IN THE DIVORCE.

I BREAK IN.

I MISS HER SO MUCH!

(both wailing)

I DO, TOO!

GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS!

AND I USE THAT TERM LOOSELY.

NOW COME ON. YOU'RE FORGETTING
THE BIG PICTURE HERE.

SHE WAS KIND OF A WHORE?

YES, THAT'S PART OF IT,

BUT WE CAME UP HERE
TO FORGET ABOUT...

THAT PERSON.

NOW, JERRY, LOOK, YOU WANNA
HANG OUT, YOU WANNA FISH,

YOU WANNA BE WITH THE BOYS
A LITTLE BIT,

YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY, ALL
RIGHT? OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

YEAH?
YEAH.

YEAH, LET'S GET ON THAT BOAT.
THE BOAT. PERFECT.

GREAT. FRESH AIR, NEW FRIENDS,
NEW MEMORIES.

SHE'S DOWN AT THE DOCK, THIRD
SLIP ON THE LEFT. OH, GREAT.

SHE'S NAMED
"FOREVER EMILY."

CRAP!

(Andy and Jerry wailing)

SO CONCEITED!

SHE WASN'T AGING WELL!

I MISS HER!

(both continue wailing)

ALL RIGHT. CALM DOWN,
CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.

(continues sobbing)

HERE.

(continues wailing)

HERE!

(Andy and Jerry stop wailing)

(cries)

I SUPPOSE FOR ME,

MY FONDEST MEMORY WOULD BE
BRUSHING HER HAIR

A HUNDRED TIMES
EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED.

HOW ROMANTIC.

I USED TO DO HER NAILS,
BUT THAT'S NOT AS INTIMATE.

(Jerry) NO.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
I'M DONE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU TWO GOTTA MAN UP
AND GET OVER THIS WOMAN.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THE BEST WAY
TO GET OVER A WOMAN

IS TO GET
UNDER ANOTHER ONE.

DO YOU MEAN...

OH, THAT COULD WORK.

YES!

YES, COME ON.
LET'S GO FIND SOME BAR

WITH SOME
REALLY HOT MOUNTAIN WOMEN

WHO LOVE SAD MEN
THAT SMELL LIKE MAYONNAISE.

DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE OUT THERE, JIM?

I KNOW
THEY'RE OUT THERE, ANDY.

NOW COME ON. LET'S GO.
LET'S GO FIND THIS BAR.

OH, LOOK!

IT'S EMILY'S HAIRBRUSH.

SHOW ME HOW YOU DID IT.
GET AROUND.

(voice breaking) ONE...

TWO...

THREE...

(both wailing)

I WONDER IF THESE RAFTERS
ARE STRONG ENOUGH

TO HOLD THE BOTH OF YA.

(both continue wailing)

WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF FLANNEL.

HEY, NICE SHOT, BUDDY.

ALL RIGHT,
I'M UP NEXT, BUD.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,
A LUMBERJACK CONVENTION?

ACTUALLY,
IT'S LADIES' NIGHT.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM.

TO BE FAIR,
IT'S A LITTLE DARK IN HERE.

AND... AND YOU DO HAVE

A LITTLE SCRUFF
RIGHT IN HERE.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, FISH.
I AIN'T OFFENDED.

I'M TURNED ON.

OH...

HEY, GIRLS, LOOK
WHAT WE GOT HERE. UM...

OH...
FRESH MEAT.

OH, HEY, UH,
I DIDN'T COME IN HERE

FOR, YOU KNOW,
ANY KIND OF, UH...

WHOA. WHEN YOU COME IN HERE
DRESSED LIKE THAT,

WE KNOW
WHAT YOU COME IN HERE FOR.

KINDA FUNNY.

I JUST LEFT A COUPLE GUYS
WHO ARE ACTING LIKE WOMEN...

I GUESS MAYBE YOU DON'T
GET THE IRONY OF, UH...

WELL, LADIES,
I GOTTA TELL YA,

I'M VERY FLATTERED

AND A LITTLE FRIGHTENED.

THE BAD NEWS IS
I'M MARRIED.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M DRUNK AND ON PAROLE.

ANYBODY GOT ANY QUARTERS
FOR THE JUKEBOX?

HOW ABOUT YOU, FISH?
YOU GOT ANY CHANGE?

UH, NO,
I-I DON'T THINK SO...

I'LL CHECK HIS POCKETS.

OH! OW!

OW! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW,
OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!

(car horn honks,
car alarm blaring)

I THINK YOU HIT
THE PANIC BUTTON ON MY CAR...

AND GENTLY MASSAGED
MY PROSTATE.

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT CAR ALARM, FISH.

NO ONE'S AROUND TO HEAR IT.

HEY, MA'AM?
MA'AM, LISTEN.

I'M A DUDE.

BOY, AM I OFF TODAY.

LISTEN, CAN YOU
HELP ME OUT HERE?

YOU COME WALTZING IN HERE

DRESSED LIKE THAT
ON LADIES' NIGHT,

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
LADIES' NIGHT?

THERE'S NOT EVEN ANY GUYS HERE
TO PICK UP THE LADIES.

AH, IT'S MORE OF A WARNING
THAN AN ADVERTISEMENT.

HA. WHO WANTS A LAP DANCE?

WELL...

MY WIFE REALLY DOESN'T APPROVE
OF THIS STUFF,

BUT YOU KNOW,
WHAT THE HELL?

YOU'RE NOT THE LAP.

YOU'RE THE DANCE.

(grunts)
HI, SWEET MEAT.

UM, I-I'M REALLY FEELING
VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

IS THAT A FIVE?

WELL, SOMEBODY'S
GETTING A SHOW!

WHOO! YAHOO!

SHAKE IT ALL, DADDY.

WHOO!

I RAISE YOU 20 BUCKS,

MY TABLE SAW...

AND THE FISH HERE.

PEANUTS.

SURE THING, BOSS.

CALL.

THREE 8s.

(knuckles crack)

GET OVER HERE, FISH.

SWITCHING SIDES, BOSS?

SWITCHING SIDES.

ENJOY THE SHOW, LADIES.
PICK UP THE CHIPS, FISH.

(chips clatter on floor)

PICKING UP THE CHIPS,
BOSS.

(Andy) OW! (laughs)

I TOLD YOU THAT WAS A PUSH DOOR,
NOT A PULL DOOR.

I'LL NEVER DOUBT YOU AGAIN
ON THE SUBJECT OF DOORS.

BARKEEP! OH, HEY, TINY.
(laughs)

ANOTHER BOX OF WINE.

AND MAY I SEE
A TAPAS MENU?

(Jerry laughs)

ANDY, ANDY,
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

JIM!
HEY, JIM'S HERE.

AW.

YOU GUYS ARE HAMMERED!

BUT WE DIDN'T DRIVE, JIM.
THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS.

WE TOOK THE SNOWMOBILES.

GUYS, YOU GOTTA
GET ME OUTTA HERE.

(gasps)

WHAT IS THE RUSH?

YOU WERE RIGHT!

IT'S LIKE WE WANDERED
INTO A MISS AMERICA CONTEST.

YEAH, WELL,
I WOULDN'T STICK AROUND

FOR THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
(laughs)

EVENING, LADIES.
WHICH ONE OF YOU FAIR DAMSELS

CAN HELP A MAN
FORGET ABOUT A WOMAN?

WELL, THE TRUTH IS,
THEY PROBABLY ALL CAN.

(blues rock playing)

NO, NO, NO! NOT THE MUSIC!

♪♪♪

LOOKS LIKE
THE PARTY IS ON! WHOO!

THIS AIN'T
NO ONE-MAN SHOW.

I WON YOU FAIR AND SQUARE
IN THAT GAME, FISH.

NOW GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR
AND... MAKE ME WANT IT.

LOSING THE SHIRT, BOSS?

LOSING THE SHIRT.

LOSING THE SHIRT.

(wolf whistles)

(woman) WHOO!

(banging)

COME ON.
YOU SLEPT. YOU VOMITED.

I HOSED YOU OFF.

LET'S GO FISHING.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
5:00.

A.M. OR P.M.?

MUST BE P.M. I FEEL LIKE EATING
MEAT LOAF, NOT PANCAKES.

WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT IT WAS
LAST NIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GUYS ARE ACTUALLY FUN
WITH THREE BOXES OF WINE IN YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED,

BUT I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR,
AND MY INHALER'S GONE.

ONE OF THE CHICKS
PROBABLY TOOK IT.

CHICKS?
OH, RIGHT. WE HAD CHICKS!

YOU... REMEMBER?

NOT REALLY.
IT'S KIND OF FUZZY.

HOW FUZZY?

PRETTY FUZZY.

THEY WERE SMOKIN' GORGEOUS!
OH!

OH, YEAH?
OH, YEAH.

IF 10 IS THE BEST,
THEY WERE 250, 300.

(chuckles)
WAIT, JIM. YOU...

YOU DIDN'T STRAY,
DID YOU?

NO, NO. (laughs)

UGH. NO.

W-WELL, TELL THE TRUTH.

WHOSE CHICK WAS HOTTER,
MINE OR JERRY'S?

WELL... (sighs)
IT'S HARD TO TELL.

I MEAN, THESE WOMEN WERE...

UNLIKE ANY WOMAN
I'VE EVER SEEN.

FIST ME.

FISTING. (laughs)

WOW! I FEEL GREAT.
ME, TOO.

I AM COMPLETELY OVER EMILY.
OH!

YOU WERE RIGHT, JIM.

YOU ARE
THE BESTEST FRIEND EVER.

(laughs)

YEAH, ALL THREE OF US
ARE THE BESTEST FRIENDS EVER.

LET'S GO FISHING!
ALL RIGHT!

LET'S GO.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

(cell phone alert chimes)
WHAT?

OH, WHAT'S THAT?
HEY, YOU GOT A TEXT.

OH, MAYBE IT'S FROM ONE OF
THE HOT CHICKS LAST NIGHT. UM...

OR MAYBE SOMEBODY'S
RETURNING MY INHALER.

OH, GOD.
OH, GOD, IT'S EMILY.

DON'T READ IT! HE'S RIGHT.
HE IS RIGHT. HE IS SO RIGHT.

COME ON, ANDY, COME ON, COME ON.
LET'S GO FISHING. COME ON.

YEAH. YEAH, FISHING.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE ONE QUICK
PEEK. OH, CRAP. COME ON, ANDY.

"ANDY, I'VE MADE
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

"YOU'RE THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

I WANT YOU BACK."

YOU READY TO GO FISHING?

SHE WANTS YOU BACK?
WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT ME BACK?

BECAUSE SHE LIKES ME BETTER,
JERRY.

SHE LIKES STUDS, NOT DUDS.

I WANT HER BACK! WELL, I
WANT HER BACK, TOO, JERRY.

ALL RIGHT, WAIT A MINUTE!
COME ON, GUYS.

YOU'RE OVER HER!

YOU'VE JUST HAD
THE FINEST SUPERMODELS

WISCONSIN HAS TO OFFER.

MM... I DON'T CARE, JIM.

I LOVE EMILY,
AND SHE LOVES ME.

WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME
TO BE HAPPY?

SIT DOWN!
BOTH OF YA, SIT DOWN!

NOW LISTEN TO ME.

THAT EMILY IS EVIL.

YEAH, BUT SHE SMELLS
SO GOOD.

SHE'S THE DEVIL.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU TWO NEED AN EXORCISM.

GIVE ME THOSE PHONES.
NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M GONNA BURN THESE PHONES.
YOU'RE BURNING OUR PHONES?

I'M BURNING THE PHONES. BUT I STILL
HAVE FOUR YEARS LEFT ON MY CONTRACT.

I AM BURNING THE POWER
THAT EMILY HOLDS OVER YOU.

IN ORDER TO GET RID OF HER,
YOU GOTTA GET RID OF HER STUFF.

BURN IT!
(whimpers)

YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE WE
SHOULD BURN ALL THIS STUFF

AND START WITH THIS
HAIRBRUSH. JIM, NOT THE BRUSH.

I'M BURNING IT.
AAH!

THIS NAPKIN, THIS MAGAZINE
AND WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS.

(raspy voice)
THAT WAS MY INHALER!

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE
REMINDS YOU OF HER?

GIVE IT TO ME.
THIS WAS HER FAVORITE CUP.

BURN IT. WHAT ELSE? WE GOT THIS
PICTURE FRAME ON OUR HONEYMOON.

BURN IT! SALT AND PEPPER
SHAKERS WE GOT AT THE FLEA MARKET.

OH, YEAH, BURN IT!
PINEAPPLE NAPKIN HOLDER?

YEAH.
BURN IT!

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT
THIS DUCK? NO, NO, NO!

NOT THE DUCK! GIVE
ME THE DUCK! BURN IT!

THIS $500 CASHMERE SCARF
SHE GAVE ME?

YOU GOT A GIFT
RECEIPT FOR IT? NO.

BURN IT!
OH, BURN IT!

BURN, BURN, BURN!
MY PHOTOS?

(all) BURN, BURN, BURN,
BURN, BURN, BURN,

BURN, BURN, BURN,

BURN, BURN, BURN!

AAH!

(all) AHH.

LOOK AT THAT.

OH.

NOTHING LIKE A FLAME
TO PUT OUT AN OLD FLAME.

HOW YOU FEELING, BOYS?

SO FREE.
SO CLEAN.

STILL A LITTLE HUNGOVER.
YEAH.

BUT IT'S A FREER HUNGOVER.
OH, YEAH, DEFINITELY.

WELCOME BACK, BOYS.
(laughs)

LET'S CELEBRATE...
ALL RIGHT.

WITH A SHOT OF RUM.
WHOO!

YOU KNOW,
THAT WAS HER FAVORITE RUM.

THEN WE BURN IT!
BURN IT!

HA, HA!

RUN.

NO, RUM.

RUN!

(all screaming)

(fire roaring)

WE'RE JUST NOT
GOING FISHING, ARE WE?

SHE LOVED THAT CABIN.

OH, SHE DID.

GOOD-BYE, EMILY.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

JIM, WE DON'T KNOW
HOW TO THANK YOU.

YOU GOT US
OVER EMILY, JIM.

AND YOU HOOKED US UP WITH
TWO OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

TO EVER WALK
GOD'S GREEN EARTH.

I'M GLAD YOU FEEL BETTER.

(sirens wailing)

OH, THANK GOD,
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

WOW, THOSE ARE TWO
OF THE BIGGEST FIREMEN

I'VE EVER SEEN.

LOOKS LIKE THE BUILDING'S
A TOTAL LOSS.

WE'RE JUST GONNA KEEP THE FIRE
FROM SPREADING TO THE WOODS.

HOW DRUNK WERE WE
LAST NIGHT?

DRUNK ENOUGH TO LET
THE CUTE ONE GET AWAY.

HEY, LADIES... THANKS.

HEY, THAT'S NOT COOL.

THOSE MEN ARE HEROES.

TRUE.

THEY DID THINGS
I COULD NEVER DO.