According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 8, Episode 3 - Jami McFame - full transcript

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HEY. WHAT ARE YOU
DOING OUT HERE?

WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO WATCH THE GAME.

AND WHY DO I DETECT THE FAINT
SMELL OF GASOLINE IN THE AIR?

SNOW REMOVAL'S A RACKET.

SNOWBLOWERS ARE EXPENSIVE,

SO I PUT GAS ON THE WALKWAY.

I DON'T FOLLOW, JIM.

WELL, I FIGURE,
LIGHT IT ON FIRE.

FIRE MELTS SNOW.

SNOW MAKES WATER.
WATER PUTS OUT FIRE.

JIM GETS BEER.
JIM GETS TO WATCH THE GAME.



OH, I LIKE IT.
UH-HUH.

HEY, IF JIM'S
FLAMETHROWER/SNOWBLOWER WORKS,

WE COULD SELL IT TO THE CITY
FOR SNOW REMOVAL ALL OVER TOWN.

OH, MY GOD, ANDY.
WE'D BE RICH.

HEY, WE COULD BUY
A SNOWBLOWER.

(laughs) ALL RIGHT,
LIGHT THAT SUCKER UP.

OOH!

OKAY, SCIENCE...

DO YOUR STUFF.

NAH. SORRY, JIM, I DON'T THINK
IT'S GONNA DO ANYTHING.

(fire flares)
WHOA! LOOK AT THAT!

OOH! IT'S WORKING!
WHOO!

WOW. (gasps) WHOA.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

IS THAT THE NEIGHBOR'S CAT?
(cat screeching)



FLUFFY. FLUFFY, RUN!
FLUFFY, RUN!

NO, NO, NO. DON'T RUN.
STOP, DROP AND ROLL.

STOP, DROP AND ROLL!
RUN.

BUT NOT UNDER MY CAR!
(explosion)

NO! OH, MY GOD!
(crash)

YOU BLEW UP MY CAR!

WELL, AT LEAST THE WALKWAY'S
COMPLETELY CLEAR.

OH, OH, OH, OH. FLUFFY.

HE'S COMPLETELY FINE.

(blows)

A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

♪♪♪

(playing blues)

(man) WHOO!

WOW.
(Andy laughs)

EITHER I'M DRUNK OR THAT'S
THE BEST WE EVER SOUNDED.

OH, WELL,
I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING.

DID YOU GUYS CHECK OUT
MY AWESOME NEW RIFF?

(keys clack)

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FUNNY

WHEN YOU GUYS
UNPLUG MY KEYBOARD.

YES, IT IS.
(laughs)

DADDY, GUESS WHAT?
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE THIS.

W-WHAT... WHAT HAPPENED?
IS SOMEBODY BLEEDING?

IS GRACIE HURT?
I'M GRACIE.

RIGHT. RIGHT, RIGHT. THERE IS A CONTEST,
AND WE ENTERED A CD OF YOUR BAND.

THIS BAND?
YEAH, AND YOU WON.

JAMI McFAME IS DOING A BENEFIT
CONCERT HERE IN CHICAGO...

AND YOU'RE HER BACKUP BAND,
AND WE GET TO MEET HER.

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

JAMI McFAME!

WHO THE HELL IS JAMI McFAME?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

IT'S JUST SOME SINGER
WHO DOES DUMB KIDS' MOVIES.

OH.
DUMB KIDS' MOVIES?

AAH!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA
PLAY FOR SOME CRUMMY KID.

SOME CRUMMY KID?

JAMI McFAME IS THE BEST.

SHE'S GOT HIT MOVIES,
HIT RECORDS, VIDEO GAMES.

A COOKBOOK, JIM.
HER VEAL MARSALA... MWAH.

NO. ALL RIGHT, THIS IS
A SERIOUS BLUES BAND.

WE'RE NOT GONNA BACK UP

SOME LIP-SYNCHING,
BUBBLEGUM POP STAR.

I TOLD YOU. A RICH MAN LIKE
DADDY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT $1,000.

$1,000?

ALL RIGHT, GET OUT OF HERE.
WE NEED TO PRACTICE.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

(playing blues)

HEY, CHECK THIS PLACE OUT.

OH, MAN.
IT'S THE REAL DEAL.

NO SAWDUST ON THE FLOOR,
THE WAITRESSES ARE CUTE,

AND IT DOESN'T SMELL LIKE PUKE.

HEY, LOOK.
"JAMI McFAME & FRIENDS."

WE'RE THE FRIENDS.
WE'RE THE FRIENDS!

OH, THERE YOU ARE. HI.
I'M SHEILA, JAMI'S MANAGER.

OH, HI.

YOU MUST BE, UM,

"DADDY
AND HIS CREEPY BUDDIES."

WELL, I'M DADDY,

AND THE BAND NAME IS WHAT
MY DAUGHTERS PUT ON THE FORM.

UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
CREEPY, 'CAUSE WE CAN DO CREEPY.

(whispers) OKAY.

HEY, GUYS. LOOK.
IT'S MY NEW BAND.

WHAT'S WITH THE CAMERA?
JAMI SHOOTS A DAILY...

VIDEO DIARY
FOR HER WEB SITE.

FOR $9.95 A MONTH, IT'S LIKE
YOU'RE ON TOUR WITH HER.

I WAS RIGHT THERE

WHEN SHE MET THE DES MOINES
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE.

HI, GUYS. I'M JAMI.

AH. ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME
ROCK THIS PLACE TOMORROW NIGHT?

WE SURE ARE, JAMI. YOU
KNOW, AS U.S. AMERICAN... CUT!

NEXT TIME I ASK YOU
A QUESTION ON CAMERA,

YOU SMILE AND SAY, "YES."

WELL, NOW I WAS JUST TRYING
TO... TRYING TO WHAT? ANNOY ME?

YOU TWO,
STAY OUT OF MY EYE LINE.

DUDE, GET A HAIRCUT.

AND YOU...

(sniffs)

SMELL LIKE SAUSAGE.

SHEILA, I'LL BE
IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

YES, JAMI.

AND I WANT THEM IN COSTUME.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I KNOW.

WE GET TO WEAR COSTUMES!

(laughs)

OH, MAN, I CAN'T WAIT
TO GET OUT OF THIS THING.

GET O OF THIS?

I'M SLEEPING IN THIS THING
TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

(playing
"What I Like About You")

♪ WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU

♪ YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO DANCE

♪ WHEN YOU GO UP, DOWN,
JUMP AROUND ♪

♪ TALK ABOUT TRUE ROMANCE

♪ YEAH

(playing loudly)
♪ WHISPERING IN MY EAR

CUT!

(continues playing)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
SAUSAGE BREATH?

I WAS JUST IMPROVISING
A LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW, I WAS KIND OF FEELING
THE... ACTUALLY, UH, JAMI'S AUDIENCE

EXPECT TO HEAR THE SONGS
EXACTLY AS THEY ARE ON THE CD.

WE McFAME-IACS ARE
A DEMANDING BUNCH.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
LET'S JUST DO THE SONG AGAIN.

NOT UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE.

WHAT?

(high-pitched voice) I'M SORRY,
JAMI. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

KNOCK IT OFF.

(lowered voice) DO NOT BLOW THIS
FOR US. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

APOLOGIZE. I'M NOT
GONNA APOLOGIZE FOR THIS.

THINK OF THE MONEY, JIM,

YOUR KIDS, RUBY AND GRACIE,

ME!

HEY, LOOK, I-I DIDN'T MEAN
TO UPSET YA.

AND?

AND...

AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

BECAUSE?

(exhales deeply)

BECAUSE YOU'RE THE STAR,
AND WE'RE THE BAND.

EXCEPT WHEN?

EXCEPT... WHEN...

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS, JAMI.

THEN JUST SAY, "I'M SORRY, JAMI.
IT WAS ALL MY FAULT."

I'M...

I'M OUTTA HERE.

BYE.

(high-pitched voice) LOOKS LIKE
ANDY'S IN CHARGE NOW.

CUT IT OUT.

CHERYL, I AM TELLING YOU,
THAT LITTLE GIRL IS A NIGHTMARE.

HONEY, HONEY,
I CAN HEAR YOU'RE UPSET,

BUT IT'S REALLY HARD
TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY

WHEN YOU'RE WEARING
A BELT MADE OUT OF CANDY.

OH, MY GOSH!

THAT IS SO AWESOME!

THEY MADE YOU GREGORY GRAPE!

OH, GREAT.

THIS IS
THE GREATEST WEEK EVER.

WE INVITED ALL OF OUR FRIENDS
TO THE CONCERT.

IT'S LIKE THE REST OF OUR LIVES

ARE GONNA BE TOTALLY BETTER
BECAUSE OF THIS.

UM, GIRLS,

THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT CHANGE
OF PLANS.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

WHAT DID YOU DO?

LOOK, JAMI McFAME AND I HAD
A LITTLE CREATIVE DIFFERENCE...

AND THE BAND
ISN'T GONNA PLAY THE SHOW.

I TOLD YOU
TO HIDE HIS HARMONICA.

COME ON. SHE WAS BEING
A LITTLE BRAT, SO I QUIT.

YOU KNOW, GIRLS, IT WAS
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD
OF YOUR DADDY.

THANK YOU.

WE HAVE NO DADDY.

W...

WHAT?

C-CAN I EAT
A PIECE OF YOUR BELT?

OKAY, HERE COME THE GIRLS.

WHEN THEY WALK BY, SAY,
"I LOVE YOU, DADDY" REALLY LOUD.

(loudly) I LOVE YOU DADDY,
REALLY LOUD.

SHOULD WE TRY IT
AGAIN LATER, DADDY?

I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S THREE TIMES.

HASN'T WORKED YET.

OH, ANDY.
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

LOOK, WHEN THE GIRLS COME DOWN,
I WANT YOU TO SIT ON MY LAP

AND SAY... AH, FORGET IT.
NO, JIM. JIM, JIM, JIM,

CAN'T YOU JUST SUCK IT UP AND
APOLOGIZE TO JAMI McFAME? NO. NO.

PLEASE, JIM.
I WANT TO PLAY THAT CONCERT.

I WANT TO BE BARRY BLUEBERRY.

I HAVE MY PRIDE, ANDY,
AND FOR THE RECORD,

GREGORY GRAPE IS WAY BETTER
THAN BARRY BLUEBERRY.

JIM, IT'S LIKE JAMI SINGS
IN HER SONG...

"WHEN THE COOKIES BURN,
YOU MAKE MORE BATTER.

THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MATTER."

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

IT MEANS
SHE'S A 9-YEAR-OLD BOB DYLAN,

AND I WANT TO BE HER FRIEND!
PLEASE, JIM, PLEASE! NO. NO.

I'LL DO ANYTHING.
HERE COME THE GIRLS.

WHAT? NO, NO.
GET OFF MY LEG!

WHAT THE HELL?

GET OFF OF ME! NOT UNTIL
YOU APOLOGIZE TO JAMI McFAME.

NEVER! LOOK, JIM, I-I KNOW YOU'RE
UPSET ABOUT THE WAY JAMI TREATED YOU,

AND I AM ON YOUR SIDE 100%,
BUT...

CHERYL, I AM NOT GONNA WORK
FOR SOME OUT-OF-CONTROL KID. (sighs)

(lisping) I'M A ROCK.
(grunting)

I'M A ROCK.

(strained voice) SHE NEEDS
TO BE PUNISHED, CHERYL!

OKAY, BUT RIGHT NOW

THE ONLY PEOPLE BEING PUNISHED
ARE YOUR LITTLE GIRLS.

RIGHT NOW MY LITTLE BOYS
ARE BEING PUNISHED!

JIM, COME ON.

NO! NEVER!

(sighs)

I'M A ROCK.

(groans)

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!

WE'RE ROCKS.

SO THIS CONCERT IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO MY DAUGHTERS

AND STRANGELY ENOUGH,
TO MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.

SO?

UH, SO I, YOU KNOW,
I-I'D LIKE ANOTHER CHANCE

TO PROVE THAT I CAN BE
A GOOD TEAM PLAYER.

AND?

AND, UH, I WOULD DO
ANYTHING TO PROVE THAT.

INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED
TO...

UM...

SHEILA,
CAN YOU HELP ME HERE?

IT'S IMPORTANT TO JAMI
THAT YOU APOLOGIZE.

(whispers) SORRY.

THERE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WE DON'T HAVE TIME
TO FIND ANOTHER BAND.

(whispers indistinctly)

OKAY. GOOD NEWS, JIM.
YOU CAN PLAY...

OH.
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY YOU.

THIS IS REALLY
FOR MY GIRLS,

SO AS LONG AS THEY CAN
SIT IN THE FRONT ROW.

BACK ROW.

FINE.

FREE BACK ROW SEATS
ARE GREAT.

FULL PRICE.

FINE.

(under breath)
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS...

DID YOU SAY SOMETHING,
SAUSAGE BREATH?

I SAID...

RICH.

YOU MUST BE VERY RICH.

WELL, YOU KNOW...

(breathy voice) YES.

(camera shutter clicking)

CAN I GET YOU GUYS
SOME AUTOGRAPHED CDS?

COOL. THANKS.
WOW. COOL. THANKS.

BIG WHOOP.
I GOT SOME OF THOSE ONLINE.

OH, TAKE A COUPLE OF THESE.

(gasps) SEQUINED HEADBANDS?
WHAT THE FUDGE? ANDY.

WE'RE SORRY
WE WERE MAD AT YOU, DADDY.

OH! DAD, YOU'RE
THE BEST DAD EVER.

I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.

I WILL SAVOR THIS MOMENT
TILL YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE.

OKAY, LET'S GO TO OUR SEATS.
YOU GOT US FRONT ROW, RIGHT?

ABSOLUTELY.
FRONT ROW TO THE EXIT.

OKAY, OKAY. FIVE MINUTES.

OOH.
FIVE.

SHEILA.

WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I, UM...

THAT'S MY FOOD TABLE
IN M DRESSING ROOM,

AND THAT'S MY COOKIE.

I KNOW.

WOULD THIS BE A GOOD TIME TO GET
ONE OF THOSE SEQUINED HEADBANDS?

RIGHT. LATER.

I DON'T NEED A HEADBAND

BECAUSE I HAVE
YOUR HAIRBRUSH!

I'M SORRY I TOUCHED YOUR FOOD.
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

WHEW!
(singsong voice) CUCKOO!

(normal voice) WOW.

WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?

SHE NEEDS, LIKE,
THE WORLD'S LONGEST TIME-OUT.

ACTUALLY, I-I'M HER MOM.

SERIOUSLY?

(scoffs) WHAT ATTRACTED YOU
TO HER FATHER,

THE HORNS OR THE PITCHFORK?

WHY DO YOU PUT UP WITH THAT?

SHE MADE $16 MILLION
LAST YEAR.

I DON'T CARE
HOW MUCH MONEY SHE...

$16 MILLION?

AND YOU TOUCHED
HER COOKIES?

IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW MUCH SHE MAKES.

NO KID SHOULD ACT
LIKE THAT.

I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE
AROUND TO STAND UP TO HER.

UH, HELLO.
YOU ARE HER MOTHER.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THE HOUSE IS IN HER NAME.

MY HOUSE IS IN MY NAME.
LET ME TAKE A WHACK AT HER.

OH, I WOULD LOVE THAT.

BUT MAKE SURE
YOU REALLY KNOCK HER OUT.

IF YOU JUST STUN HER,
SHE COMES UP BITING.

OH, OH, YOU MEAN
JUST TALK TO HER. YEAH.

OH, OKAY. OKAY, BUT STILL, BE CAREFUL
ABOUT THE BITING. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

WHAT?!

OKAY, LITTLE GIRL,
YOU ARE ON A TIME-OUT.

YOU'RE NOT LEAVING THIS ROOM

UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE
TO YOUR MOTHER.

AW, BOO HOO.
I'M ON A TIME-OUT.

YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I BET YOU LOVE
GOING ON THAT STAGE

AND SINGING
IN FRONT OF THAT AUDIENCE

MORE THAN ANYTHING
IN THE WORLD.

SO WHAT?

SO THIS...

YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO
TONIGHT'S SHOW

OR ANY OTHER SHOW

UNTIL YOU LEARN
TO SHOW PEOPLE RESPECT.

YOU'RE BLUFFING.

AM I?

IS SHE GONNA BITE ME?

HER EYES ROLL BACK.

(man) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME JAMI McFAME!

(cheers and applause)

(audience chanting)
JAMI! JAMI! JAMI!

I'M ON!
LET'S GO, SAUSAGE BREATH.

ARE YOU GONNA APOLOGIZE?

PFFT! NO.

I THINK I MIGHT PLAY
A LITTLE HARMONICA.

(plays chord)

I CALL THIS ONE "WAITING FOR
JAMI TO APOLOGIZE" BLUES.

(playing blues song)

LET'S GO.

OKAY, OKAY,
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY.

AND?

AND I SHOULDN'T TALK
TO MY MOTHER LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE?

BECAUSE SHE WORKS HARD
TO TAKE CARE OF ME,

AND I SHOULD TREAT HER
AS WELL AS SHE TREATS ME.

DESPITE ANY AND ALL...

COME HERE, JAMI.

NOW LOOK.

I DON'T CARE
HOW FAMOUS YOU ARE.

YOU'RE STILL
A 9-YEAR-OLD KID.

ALL RIGHT, I WANT YOU
TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR MOTHER.

I WANT YOU TO GIVE HER
A COOKIE AND A HUG.

I'M SORRY, SHEILA.

CALL HER "MOM."

I'M SORRY, MOM.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.

NOW GO GET YOUR JACKET
AND HAVE A REALLY GOOD SHOW.

OKAY, MOM!

WOW. YOU'RE REALLY
A GOOD FATHER.

OH, THANK YOU,

BUT YOU ONLY THINK THAT BECAUSE
YOU'RE A REALLY BAD MOTHER.

OH, OH, OH,
AND ONE MORE THING.

THE BAND DOESN'T HAVE TO WEAR
THESE CRAZY OUTFITS, DO WE?

YEAH, HOW ABOUT JUST THE FAT GUY
WHO STOLE MY BRUSH?

DEAL.

♪ I'VE BEEN CHEATED

♪ BEEN MISTREATED

♪ WHEN WILL I BE LOVED?

♪♪♪

♪ I'VE BEEN PUT DOWN

♪ AND I'VE BEEN PUSHED 'ROUND

♪ WHEN WILL I BE LOVED?

♪ WHEN I FIND A NEW BOY

♪ THAT I WANT FOR MINE

♪ HE ALWAYS BREAKS MY HEART
IN TWO ♪

♪ IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME

♪ I'VE BEEN MADE BLUE

♪ AND I'VE BEEN LIED TO

♪ WHEN WILL I BE LOVED?

(mouths word)

(plays solo)

♪ WHEN I FIND A NEW BOY

♪ THAT I WANT FOR MINE

♪ HE ALWAYS BREAKS MY HEART
IN TWO ♪

♪ IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME

♪ I'VE BEEN CHEATED

♪ BEEN MISTREATED

♪ WHEN WILL I BE LOVED?

♪ WHEN WILL I BE LOVED?

♪ TELL ME, WHEN WILL I BE

♪ LOVED?

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU.