According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 8, Episode 12 - Physical Therapy - full transcript

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---
(grunting)
ONE, TWO, THREE, HIKE!

OH!

HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.

(humming)

WHERE'S THE BALL?
WHERE'S THE BALL?

ANDY, WHAT THE HELL?

WE... WE'RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY
SNOW FOOTBALL IN 20 MINUTES.

WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED FOR THE
GAME? ANDY, DO YOU WANT TO TELL JIM

WHY YOU'RE NOT DRESSED
FOR THE GAME? (grunts)

WELL, UH, UH, MANDY THINKS...

AHEM!



I THINK I'M A GROWN MAN

WITH RESPONSIBILITIES,
AND PLAYING TACKLE FOOTBALL

ON A FROZEN FIELD IS
AN UNNECESSARY RISK...

CONSIDERING
I'M NOT IN THE BEST SHAPE.

ANDY, THIS IS
THE OAK PARK SNOW BOWL.

IT'S A SACRED TRADITION
DATING BACK OVER TWO YEARS.

HE BRINGS UP A HELL OF A POINT.

I'M NOT PLAYING.

FINE. GREAT. NO PROBLEM.

SEE, ANDY? HE DIDN'T SCREAM.
HE DIDN'T STOMP ON YOUR FEET.

HE DIDN'T TWIST
YOUR NIPPLES.

HE'S YOUR FRIEND,
AND HE RESPECTS YOUR DECISION.

THAT'S RIGHT. OKAY, I HAVE TO
GO. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. MWAH.

SEE YOU LATER, MANDY. THANKS
FOR COMING BY. NO, NO. NO, NO.



DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANDY.
HE'S SAFE HERE. MANDY. MANDY!

OKAY.

(door shuts)

SO SHOULD WE
JUST GET IT OVER WITH?

SURE.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

OHH! WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?

NOW YOU CAN'T LIVE YOUR LIFE BY
MANDY'S RULES. MANDY SAYS I CAN.

WELL, MANDY'S CRAZY! OH. I DON'T
KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED THIS, JIM,

BUT I'VE HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE HANGING ON TO
WOMEN LATELY. BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG.

OH, YEAH? YEAH, LISTEN
TO MY RULES, ALL RIGHT?

RULE NUMBER ONE... IN ORDER
TO GET RESPECT FROM A WOMAN,

YOU GOTTA SET DOWN THE TERMS
AND THE BOUNDARIES

OF THE RELATIONSHIP.
AH, BUT MANDY SAYS...

(mocking voice) OH, "MANDY SAYS,
MANDY SAYS, MANDY SAYS."

(normal voice)
COME ON. YOU'RE A MAN.

YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT.
(sighs)

(mocking voice) OH, UNLESS YOU
STILL NEED MOMMY'S PERMISSION.

NO, NO.
I GOT MOM'S PERMISSION.

(normal voice)
OH, ANDY.

SHE... SHE JUST SAID
WEAR AN EXTRA SWEATER.

OH!
ANDY, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

LISTEN, I KNOW YOU THINK THAT
PATHETIC WITH A GIRLFRIEND

IS BETTER THAN JUST PATHETIC.

YEAH.
IT'S NOT.

IT'S NOT?
NO, BECAUSE IN A WEEK'S TIME,

YOU'RE GONNA BE PATHETIC
AND DUMPED,

AND THEN
AFTER THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE

PATHETIC AND DRUNK
AND ON MY COUCH.

AND THAT RUNS
EXACTLY INTO THIS!

AAH!

COME ON, ANDY.
WISE UP HERE.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT SEXY MANDY
WILL STAY WITH PATHETIC ANDY

IF PATHETIC ANDY DOESN'T DO
WHAT SEXY MANDY SAYS?

RIGHT.

YEAH? WHY?

BECAUSE WOMEN ARE STRANGE.

THEY'RE MYSTERIOUS CREATURES.
(chuckles)

WHO KNOWS WHY THEY DO
WHAT THEY DO?

NOW LET'S GO JUMP
THE JUNKYARD FENCE

AND TACKLE SOME MIDDLE-AGED MEN
ON A FROZEN FIELD!

YEAH!

♪♪♪

AAH! AAH! AAH!

YEAH. MM-HMM.

AAH!
OHH.

HEE!

UH-HUH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOC? I
THINK IF YOU PLAY TACKLE FOOTBALL

ON A FROZEN FIELD,
IT'S RISKY...

CONSIDERING HE'S NOT
IN THE BEST OF SHAPE.

YOU KNOW, DOC,
I TRIED TO TELL HIM THAT.

SEE? YOU SHOULD LISTEN
TO YOUR DAD.

I CAN BARELY MOVE MY ARMS.

DOES IT HURT
WHEN YOU DO THIS?

(groans) YEAH. Y-YES.

SO DON'T DO THAT.

THAT'S ONE FROM OUR GENERATION.
REMEMBER THAT?

DOC, IS HE GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH,
HE'S GONNA BE FINE.

WE'RE GONNA BRING IN
OUR PHYSICAL THERAPIST

TO SHOW HIM SOME EXERCISES,
AND, UH... (coughs)

IT'S GONNA HELP YOUR FLEXIBILITY
IF YOU DO THEM.

OKAY? (coughs)
I GOTTA SEE A DOCTOR.

I GOT A COUGH HERE.

I AM SO SCREWED!

MANDY'S GONNA FIND OUT
I PLAYED FOOTBALL.

HOW'S SHE GONNA FIND OUT?

JIM, I BRUSH HER HAIR
BEFORE WE GO TO BED.

YOU BRUSH HER HAIR?

WELL, YEAH.

OH, MAN, WE GOT
A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

HI. YOU MUST BE ANDY.

POOR THING.

LET'S GET YOU UP ON YOUR FEET

SO I CAN GET A BASELINE CHECK
OF YOUR FLEXIBILITY.

I NEED YOU TO STAND
IN FRONT OF ME

AND STRETCH OUT YOUR ARMS
AS FAR AS YOU CAN.

AHH.

OHH.

HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

OH, PRETTY GOOD!

BUT I'D GIVE ANYTHING
TO DO A LITTLE BETTER.

YOU KNOW,
MY ARMS ARE A LITTLE SORE.

CAN YOU DO A BASELINE ON ME?

OHH. NO, I'M SORRY. I ACTUALLY
NEED TO FOCUS ON YOUR SON.

HMM. NOW PALMS UP...
UH-HUH.

AND MOVE YOUR HANDS
LATERALLY.

(groans)

OW!

GOOD.

(groaning)

AND NOW UP AND DOWN.

(groaning)

DO YOU MIND IF I WATCH
FROM OVER HERE?

OHH.

NOW FINGERS.

(high-pitched groaning)

CAN YOU MAKE A FIST?
AAH.

OKAY.
OHH.

ARE YOU A COP?

BECAUSE IF YOU ARE A COP,
YOU GOTTA TELL US.

YOU KNOW,
YOU REALLY ARE STIFF.

AAH.

HEE.

AAH.

OH, HO HO HO.

(chuckles)

AAH.

OHH.

AAH.

(chuckles)

ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. I'M GONNA
GET YOU SO FLEXIBLE HERE

THAT MANDY WON'T
KNOW A THING. MM.

ALL RIGHT,
GET UP ON YOUR FEET.

(grunts)

I CAN'T, JIM.
I CAN'T GET MYSELF UP.

ALL RIGHT, HERE. LET
ME PICK YOU UP. NO!

THAT'LL HURT TOO MUCH.

HERE. OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

BITE.

BITE.

(grunting softly)

PRETTY SMART, HUH?
OHH!

(laughing)

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE!

YEAH, I KNOW.

NOW HOLD ON.
OKAY.

NOW PULL AS TIGHT
AS YOU CAN.

(grunts)

THAT'S IT.
YEAH.

AAH! OH, HO!

OW! YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!

THAT'S FOR LAUGHING.
NOW HOLD THE END AGAIN.

OH, HELL, NO.
I DON'T TRUST YOU.

COME ON. YOU CAN TRUST ME.
WE'RE EVEN NOW.

FINE, BUT IT'S UNDER PROTEST.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
NOW HOLD IT AS TIGHT AS YOU CAN.

THERE YOU GO. VERY GOOD.

AAH! THE OTHER SIDE!

THAT'S FOR NOT TRUSTING ME!

ALL RIGHT. IT'S NICE, SAFE
AND SECURE HERE. (groaning)

WHY DON'T YOU START
STRETCHING A LITTLE BIT?

OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.

(grunts)

HEY.

THAT FEELS PRETTY GOOD.

I'M TOTALLY LOOSENING UP.

RIGHT? RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.

YOU FEEL BETTER? THEN WHY DON'T
YOU PUT A LITTLE WEIGHT INTO IT?

AH!

WOW!

THERE YOU GO.
JIM, THAT FEELS REALLY GOOD.

WELL, I'M ALL ABOUT
YOU FEELING GOOD.

WHOO.

(grunts)

YEAH.
YOU LIKE THAT?

YEAH. OW!

OHH! OHH!

OHH!

ANDY!
OHH!

COME ON.
STOP SCREWIN' AROUND.

SCREWING AROUND?
I'M WORSE THAN BEFORE!

ALL RIGHT. OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

UH-HUH.
BITE.

THERE YOU GO. COME
ON. THERE YOU GO. (grunting)

COME HERE. GET UP.
GET UP. OW!

AAH, AAH, AAH.

THERE YOU GO.

THIS OUGHT TO HOLD TILL ONE
OF THE KIDS FALLS THROUGH IT...

AND THEN WE CAN BLAME THEM.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
MANDY'S ON HER WAY OVER HERE.

OH, JUST RELAX.
RULE NUMBER TWO...

NEVER BE AFRAID
TO COVER UP A LIE.

YOU KNOW, JIM,

YOUR RULES SOUND AN AWFUL LOT
LIKE RULES FOR SERIAL KILLING.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY
OF MY RULES.

IT'S GOOD FOR EVERY KIND
OF RELATIONSHIP.

OW! I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, JUST RELAX.

YOU KNOW, MANDY NEEDS TO SEE YOU
GET HURT IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

WELL, LIKE HOW?

(clicks tongue)

(grunts)

THE BANISTER.

YEAH, WHEN MANDY
COMES OVER HERE,

YOU TELL HER YOU GOTTA GO
TO THE BATHROOM.

THEN FALL THROUGH THE BANISTER
ON THE WAY UP THE STAIRS.

WHY WOULD I GO UPSTAIRS?
YOU HAVE A BATHROOM DOWNSTAIRS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
BETTER SHE DUMP YOU.

MOVE TO FLORIDA.
LIVE WITH YOUR MOM.

YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE
I POINT OUT A LOGIC FLAW

IS NO REASON TO BE MEAN.
ANDY, YOU HAVE TO MAKE A...

HEY!
HEY.

THERE'S MY GIRL! HI!
HI, GUYS.

AAH!

(growls)
MM.

(laughs)

SO WHAT DID YOU GUYS,
UH, END UP DOING

INSTEAD OF PLAYING
SNOW FOOTBALL?

WELL, WE JUST, UH, YOU KNOW,
WE KINDA HUNG AROUND HERE

AND DID SOME STUFF INSIDE.

I MEAN, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THE WEATHER'S LIKE OUTSIDE

BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN INSIDE.

WOW, ANDY,
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT FOR SURE
HE'D MAKE YOU PLAY.

HOW DARE YOU?
ANDY IS HIS OWN MAN.

ANDY,
GO TO THE BATHROOM.

OH. OH, RIGHT.

THANKS, JIM. I'M, UH, I'M JUST GONNA
GO TO THE BATHROOM. UPSTAIRS.

RIGHT, UPSTAIRS. WHY IS HE
GOING TO THE BATHROOM UPSTAIRS

WHEN YOU HAVE ONE DOWNSTAIRS?

BECAUSE, UH, WE TRAPPED
A RACCOON IN THERE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO PULL
YOUR PANTS DOWN IN THERE.

OKAY. JUST...

(groans)

I'M JUST GONNA...
JUST GONNA...

(moaning in falsetto voice)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M AFRAID.

OF GOING TO THE BATHROOM?

UH, YEAH, YEAH. W-WHAT IF
THERE'S ANOTHER RACCOON?

COME ON, ANDY, YOU'VE DONE IT
A MILLION TIMES BEFORE.

(lowers voice)
NOT ON PURPOSE.

COME ON.
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES,

GRIT YOUR TEETH
AND PUSH THROUGH IT.

WOW. WHAT DID YOU GUYS
HAVE FOR LUNCH?

NO, NO.
I-I CAN'T DO IT, JIM.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, ANDY.
I'LL... I'LL HELP HIM.

HUH. YOU GUYS ARE
REALLY GOOD FRIENDS.

NO. NO. NO. STOP IT.
COME ON, ANDY.

NO. NO. NO, QUIT IT. I'M
AFRAID! JUST DO IT! JUST DO IT!

NO! GET OFF OF ME!
(grunts)

JIM! JIM!

(screaming)

JIM! JIM, ARE YOU OKAY?

OHH! OHH!

I THINK WE'D BETTER TAKE HIM
TO THE DOCTOR.

OH! OH, RIGHT,
I-I KNOW JUST WHERE TO TAKE HIM.

AAH!

OW!

WHY DID YOU MAKE HIM
USE THE BATHROOM UPSTAIRS

WHEN YOU GOT ONE DOWNSTAIRS?

THANK YOU.

OW! OW!

STOP SQUAWKIN'.
YOU'LL SCARE YOUR BOY.

NOW I THINK THAT YOU NEED
A PHYSICAL THERAPIST.

OOH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST.

I NEED MY BASELINE CHECKED.
THANKS, DOC.

CAN I GET A LITTLE P.T.,
TOO, DOC?

I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN STILL.
YOU NEED A THERAPIST, TOO?

NO, ME... ME... ME FIRST.

I DON'T WANT TO GO
AFTER HIM.

YOU CONFUSE ME.

OH!

I GET TO ALMOST TOUCH BOOBS
UNDER DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

THANK YOU, MY FRIEND,
FOR HURTING ME.

DID SOMEONE HERE NEED
SOME PHYSICAL THERAPY?

IT WAS THIS GUY.

MY NAME IS SVEN.

I UNDERSTAND YOU HURT YOURSELF
ON THE STAIRS.

YES, BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

WE'RE GOING TO DO
SOME STRETCHES ON THE FLOOR.

OH! (grunts)
THAT WILL FIX YOU RIGHT UP.

(grunting)

BOY, YOU'RE STRONG. OH!

SHH, SHH, SHH.

NO WORDS.
WE SHOULD HAVE MUSIC.

(slow jazz music playing)

(grunts)

AAH! ANDY, HELP ME!

OH, YEAH. SURE THING, JIM.
(grunts)

SMILE.

(laughs)

CAN YOU FEEL IT?
I'M TRYING NOT TO.

(Mandy) OH!
(grunts)

JIM, WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?
ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY?

I MIGHT NEED A SHOWER
AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY.

DOC SAYS HE'LL BE UP
AND AROUND IN A COUPLE DAYS.

MEANWHILE, I'M UTTERLY UNINJURED
BECAUSE I DIDN'T PLAY FOOTBALL.

AAH.

WHICH IS WHY
YOU DESERVE A REWARD.

I BOUGHT DOUGHNUTS.

OOH!
OOH! AH.

I LOVE DOUGHNUTS.
♪ DOUGHNUTS

(chuckles)

HERE, CATCH.

(grunts)

HA. I WASN'T READY.

(grunts) OHH.

UM, AIM FOR MY MOUTH.

OH!

YOU KNOW, THIS IS STRANGE.

YOU KNOW,
THIS MORNING YOU PROMISED ME

THAT YOU WOULDN'T PLAY
SNOW FOOTBALL,

BUT NOW THIS AFTERNOON
YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD

AND MOVING FUNNY LIKE...
MAYBE YOU DID.

UH... UH, WELL, UH...

(whispers) ANDY, BE CAREFUL.
THIS MAY BE A TRAP.

OH!

AAH.

AAH! OH, WAS THAT
A-A BEAR CLAW?

AND JELLY...

(grunting and whimpering)

STOP. STOP IT!

STOP WASTING DOUGHNUTS.

YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL,
DIDN'T YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
DAMN RIGHT HE DID.

IT WAS HIS DUTY AS A MAN. YOU'RE
GONNA THANK ME LATER FOR IT.

OH,
WHY DON'T I THANK YOU NOW?

I CAUGHT IT.

THAT SVEN DOES GOOD WORK.

MANDY, MANDY, I... LOOK,
NO, NO, NO, I CAN EXPLAIN.

I DON'T WANT
AN EXPLANATION, OKAY?

IN FACT, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK TO YOU AT ALL.

ALL I WANT IS SOME TIME ALONE
TO THINK ABOUT THINGS.

(whimpers)

WELL, SORRY, ANDY.

I GOTTA TELL YOU, I KNOW
YOU'RE NEW AT RELATIONSHIPS,

BUT RULE NUMBER THREE...

IT'S A BAD SIGN WHEN THEY SAY
THEY HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THINGS.

OH, GOD.

SEXY MANDY'S DUMPING
PATHETIC ANDY.

MMM.

EVENTUALLY, BUT SHE'S OUT
IN THE DRIVEWAY RIGHT NOW.

R-REALLY?
MM-HMM.

SHE'S GONNA COME BACK IN HERE
IN A MINUTE

JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND
HOW UPSET SHE REALLY IS.

OHH. OH, THAT'S GREAT,
'CAUSE I OWE HER AN APOLOGY.

ANDY.
(screams)

RULE NUMBER FOUR...
YOU NEVER, EVER APOLOGIZE.

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE.

WELL, THEN WHY ISN'T IT
THE FIRST RULE?

THIS IS HOW YOU HANDLE IT.

WHEN SHE COMES BACK IN HERE,

JUST STARE AT HER.

GIVE HER YOUR BEST
CLINT EASTWOOD FACE.

CLINT EASTWOOD?

(imitating Clint Eastwood)
THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU GOTTA BE TOUGH.

YOU GOTTA SQUINT
YOUR EYES...

THEN SAY NOTHING.

I DON'T KNOW, JIM.

NOTHING!

(normal voice) TRUST ME.

EVENTUALLY, SHE'LL START
FIGHTING WITH HERSELF,

AND YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.
GET OUTTA HERE.

NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
IF YOU'RE REALLY TOUGH,

SHE'LL APOLOGIZE TO YOU.
OKAY, THAT'S COMPLETELY INSANE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. I
DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND JUST HOW UPSET I AM.

(imitating Clint Eastwood)
GO AHEAD, ANDY...

MAKE MY DAY.

(imitating Clint Eastwood)
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO TALK.

SO TALK.

YOU KNOW, I SPECIFICALLY ASKED
YOU NOT TO PLAY SNOW FOOTBALL,

BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY,
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

YOU GOT HURT.

I MEAN, TRUE, TRUE,
YOU ARE A GROWN MAN,

AND YOU CAN MAKE
YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

IT'S JUST THAT I CARE
ABOUT YOU SO MUCH,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SHOULD JUST LEARN
TO RESPECT YOU

AND NOT TREAT YOU
LIKE A CHILD.

OH, IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
I'M SORRY.

(clears throat)

(imitates Clint Eastwood)
THAT'LL DO.

EXCUSE ME?

(normal voice)
UH, I MEAN, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU. ANDY! COME
ON, DON'T CAVE IN! THAT'S RULE NUMBER FIVE!

OH, YEAH, YEAH. NO, NO, NO,
YOU... YOU... YOU SHUT UP, HUH?

YOU CLINT YOUR WAY,
I'LL CLINT MINE.

OKAY, HONEY, LET'S GET YOU
BACK TO YOUR HOUSE.

YOU KNOW, YOU PROBABLY NEED
SOME PHYSICAL THERAPY.

OH, YEAH!

I KNOW SOME EXERCISES
I WANT TO SHOW YA.

IDIOT.

(knock on door)

DOOR'S OPEN.

HEY, JIM, IT'S ME...

YOUR NEW FRIEND SVEN.

GOOD NEWS... YOUR INSURANCE
COVERS HOME THERAPY.

I'M FINE! I'M FINE!
I DON'T NEED ANY THERAPY.

LOOK! LOOK! I'M FINE!

AND SO THE GAME BEGINS.