According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 3 - Safety Last - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
(both grunting)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(both grunting)

WHAT'S THIS SHOW ABOUT?

CAVEMEN.

WHERE DO THEY COME UP
WITH THIS STUFF?

(mutters) I DON'T KNOW.



(laughs)

(both laughing and grunting)

♪♪♪

MOMMY, WE FINISHED OUR HOMEWORK.
CAN WE GO PLAY OUTSIDE?

SURE.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU PUT ON

YOUR SUNSCREEN, BUG SPRAY,
HELMETS IF YOU RIDE YOUR BIKE

AND KNEE PADS IF
YOU SKATEBOARD. MOM.

OH, OH, AND TAKE WATER.
YOU HAVE TO STAY HYDRATED.

IF YOU'RE THIRSTY,
IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE.

BUT, MOM...

LOOK, I DON'T WANT
TO ALARM YOU GIRLS,

BUT YOUR ORGANS WILL START
EATING THEMSELVES. (both) EW.

I KNOW.
I SAW IT ON THE NEWS.

LET'S JUST WATCH TV.



OKAY,
DON'T SIT TOO CLOSE.

CHERYL,
WHAT A GREAT MORNIN'.

GREAT MORNIN'.

(laughs)

THE SUN IS SHINING,
MY BLOOD IS PUMPING,

AND I HAD
JUST ENOUGH TOILET PAPER.

AND THEN, OBVIOUSLY,
YOU REPLACED THE ROLL.

NO, BUT I LEFT YOU
THE SPORTS SECTION.

HEY, GUYS.
HEY.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH
CLOTHES ON? JIM, IT'S THE LAW.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHERE'S YOUR RUNNING SHORTS?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RUNNING
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

OH, YOU KNOW,
I COULDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT,

AND AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,
I FINALLY REALIZED

WHAT I DON'T LIKE
ABOUT RUNNING WITH YOU.

WHAT'S THAT?
YOU.

YOU'RE JUST UPSET
BECAUSE THE LAST TIME

I BEAT YOU
UP TROGGET HILL.

YOU TRIPPED ME,
SCREAMED, "EAT MY DUST,"

AND THEN YOU RIPPED ONE
AS YOU RAN AHEAD.

OH, JIM, ON PURPOSE?

CHERYL, WHEN YOU PUT
THE PEDAL TO THE METAL,

THERE'S GONNA BE
A LITTLE EXHAUST.

OH, HEY, HONEY, I GOT
SOMETHING FOR YOUR RUN. CATCH.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A U.V. PROTECTION SHIRT.

WITH ALL THAT RUNNING,
YOU'RE GETTING WAY TOO MUCH SUN.

NO WAY.
MY PITS HAVE GOTTA BREATHE.

OH...
SO DO THE REST OF US.

GOOD LORD, AND THAT'S
BEFORE YOU RUN. (scoffs)

OH, HONEY, COME ON,
THAT'S GROSS. STOP IT.

LISTEN, JIM, I SAW
A VERY SCARY NEWS STORY

ABOUT THE HARMFUL EFFECTS
OF U.V. RAYS.

PLEASE WEAR THE SHIRT. NO
WAY AM I WEARING THE SHIRT.

OH. IF YOU THINK I'M
GONNA COVER UP THIS BODY

OR THIS HILARIOUS JOKE...

I'M OFF FOR MY RUN.

AAH!
AAH!

YEAH. HI. HI, OFFICER,
UM, I-I-I NEED TO REPORT

THAT MY HUSBAND WENT RUNNING,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE IS.

YOU'RE BEING TOO NICE.
TELL 'EM WE WANT CHOPPERS.

I WANT THREE BIRDS
IN THE AIR!

YES, YES.
HE'S WEARING SHORTS

AND A TANK TOP THAT SAYS,
UM...

JUST... JUST A TANK TOP.

GIVE ME THAT PHONE.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME,
AND YOU LISTEN TO ME GOOD.

MY BEST FRIEND HAS BEEN
MISSING FOR OVER AN HOUR.

(voice breaking)
AND HE'S OUT THERE,

AND HE'S COLD AND ALONE...

AND PROBABLY SCARED.

SO WHY DON'T YOU STOP STUFFING
YOUR FACE WITH DOUGHNUTS

AND GO EARN THE MONEY
THAT COMES FROM MY TAXES?!

HELLO? HELLO?

HEY, GUYS.
HEY. DID YOU FIND HIM?

FIND WHO?
JIM!

OH, YEAH,
THAT'S WHY I WENT OUT.

WELL, HE WASN'T
AT THE COFFEE SHOP.

DANA,
I AM REALLY WORRIED HERE.

CHERYL,
HE'S JUST AN HOUR LATE.

LOOK,
IF HE'S NOT BACK BY 6:00,

I PROMISE I'LL GO LOOK FOR HIM
AT THAT NEW THAI PLACE DOWNTOWN.

OH, GOD, WHY NOW, JUST WHEN
OUR NEW ROCKING CHAIRS ARE IN?

WHAT?

I ORDERED US
HIS AND HIS ROCKING CHAIRS

FOR WHEN WE RETIRE TOGETHER.

CUSTOM-MADE...

I TOOK A BUTT IMPRESSION
OFF HIS CHAIR AT WORK.

IT'S NOT WEIRD,
IT'S THOUGHTFUL.

HEY, GUYS.

OH, THANK GOD!
WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!

WHAT?
I RAN A COUPLE EXTRA MILES.

OH, YOU HAD US SCARED
HALF TO DEATH! (gags)

JIM, YOU'RE OUT THERE
WITH NO CELL PHONE, NO I.D.

FOR ALL I KNOW,
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN LYING

IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE.

DITCH? COME ON.
I WAS ON OAK STREET.

I SAW DANA AT THE
COFFEE SHOP. (scoffs)

OH, WAS THAT YOU?

BABY'S USELESS
BEFORE SHE GETS HER COFFEE.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE SO
WORRIED ALL THE TIME. I AM NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

COME ON.
WERE YOU OR WERE YOU NOT

CHECKING OUT MY SKIN LAST NIGHT
FOR UNUSUAL MOLES?

I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

NOT DURING SEX.

JIM, I CAN DO
TWO THINGS AT ONCE.

YOU WATCH THE GAME,
I CHECK FOR MOLES.

OH, CHERYL,
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS HERE.

JIM, YOU HAVE
GOT TO CARRY I.D.

FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE TAKING YOUR
WALLET WITH YOU WHEN YOU JOG.

NO WAY!
YES.

THERE'S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE
BULGE IN THESE SHORTS. OH.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M TELLING YOU,
YOUR OBSESSION WITH SAFETY

HAS GOT TO END, CHERYL, GOT TO
END. THE WORLD IS A DANGEROUS PLACE.

NO, CHERYL, YOUR HEAD'S
A DANGEROUS PLACE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT 25 ANYMORE.

YOU TURNED 50 LAST YEAR.

OH, GOD, SHE'S RIGHT, JIM.
YOU'RE IN THE DEATH ZONE.

TELL ME THIS... WHAT IF
SOMETHING DOES HAPPEN TO YOU

WHEN YOU'RE OUT RUNNING?
LIKE WHAT?

UH, LIKE, UH, A STROKE,
OR... OR A HEART ATTACK?

HIT BY A CAR, KILLER BEES,
TERRORISTS?

I LIKE TO PICTURE YOU GETTING
HEAD-BUTTED BY A BUFFALO.

DO YOU HEAR YOURSELVES?
A BUFFALO?

IT HAPPENS, JIM.

THEY ESCAPE FROM THESE
PETTING ZOOS AND JUST RUN WILD.

I'VE HEARD THAT.

THE KIDS RUN OUT
OF THOSE LITTLE PELLETS,

THEN ALL HELL
BREAKS LOOSE.

WHY ARE YOU TWO
FANNING THE FLAME

OF THIS CRAZY WOMAN'S
BONFIRE?

THAT REMINDS ME. WE'VE GOT
TO CHECK THE SMOKE ALARMS,

AND THIS FAMILY NEEDS AN
EVACUATION PLAN. MM-HMM.

IT CERTAINLY DOES.
EAT MY DUST.

(passes gas)

HEY, CHERYL.

HEY, HEY. WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU, HONEY?

NOTHING.

I WAS GONNA GO BIKE RIDING,

AND MY HELMET FELL OFF THE SHELF
AND IT HIT ME IN THE HEAD.

I AM SO SORRY, BABY.
HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER.

YOU KNOW, CHERYL,
I'M CURIOUS.

DID A TERRORIST PUSH THAT
HELMET OFF THE SHELF? OH.

DID A KILLER BEE COME DOWN
AND PICK IT UP

AND DROP IT ON HER?
NO.

NO. (chuckles) HOLD ON,
HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HONEY.

WHAT? OKAY, I KNOW
YOU THINK I'M CRAZY...

AS A LOON. BUT I MADE YOU
AN I.D. CARD YOU CAN JOG WITH.

JUDGE JIM ALREADY RULED ON THIS.
AND PRESIDENT CHERYL VETOED THAT.

AND TWO-THIRDS OF THE JIM SENATE
OVERRODE IT. YOU'RE WEARING THE CARD!

NOW LOOK,

I'M JUST GONNA PIN IT
RIGHT HERE ON YOUR SHIRT...

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA
KNOW IT'S THERE. SEE?

OKAY, YOU WIN.

I'LL WEAR
YOUR DEATH CARD...

AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T COVER UP
THIS HYSTERICAL JOKE.

READY FOR OUR JOG?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK LIKE A CROSS

BETWEEN A PARAMEDIC
AND A WEATHER BALLOON.

I'M YOUR PERSONAL
HEALTH COMMANDO.

YOU NEED WATER, ORANGE WEDGE?
ADRENALINE SHOT TO THE HEART?

DID CHERYL
PUT YOU UP TO THIS?

IS SHE TELLING YOU
TO BABYSIT ME?

CHERYL? HECK, NO.

JIM, SHE DOESN'T CARE
LIKE I DO.

I HAVE A VISION FOR US
IN OUR GOLDEN YEARS, HUH?

ROCKING ON THE PORCH,
EATING ANY KIND OF SOUP WE WANT.

DO NOT KILL MY DREAM.

YOU KNOW, ANDY,

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I REALIZE
HOW MUCH YOU CARE FOR ME...

AND IT REALLY FREAKS ME OUT.
YOU KNOW WHAT FREAKS ME OUT?

THE THOUGHT OF SINGING

"DUST IN THE WIND"
AT YOUR FUNERAL.

COME ON.

BUT THAT WON'T HAPPEN,
'CAUSE I GOT THIS.

AN ACCORDION?

HMM, NO. IT'S THE V-FIB 2000
PORTABLE DEFIBRILLATOR.

NOW IF YOU GO
INTO CARDIAC ARREST,

I'M THERE FOR YOU, BABY.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW
HOW THIS THING WORKS, ANDY?

OF COURSE I DO.
HOLD THESE.

JUST HIT THE "CHARGE"
BUTTON...

(high-pitched whirring)

AND AS SOON AS IT BEEPS,
YOU'RE READY TO GO.

(beep)

UH, YOU FORGOT
TO SAY "CLEAR."

CLEAR.

(thinking) DEATH ZONE.
CARDIAC ARREST.

PORCH BUDDIES.

IF THAT'S MY FUTURE,
I'D RATHER DIE NOW.

NICE SHIRT. HILARIOUS.

THANKS, MAN.

I LIKE THAT GUY.

HE GETS ME.

WHEW.

(animal panting)

EASY, BUDDY.

LOOK, TAKE IT EASY,
ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S NO REASON
FOR ANYBODY

TO GET THEIR HEAD
BUTTED TODAY.

(growling)

CRAP! COME ON!
STAY AWAY, STAY AWAY!

(roars)

(screams)

(thud)

(groans)

WHERE AM I? WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
YOU'RE FINE.

LET ME TELL HIM, CHERYL.
CAN I TELL HIM?

YOU GOT HEAD-BUTTED
BY A BUFFALO!

I TOTALLY CALLED IT.

AM I ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
YEAH, HONEY, YOU'RE FINE.

THE DOCTOR SAID YOU HAVE
A MILD CONCUSSION,

AND YOU'LL PROBABLY HAVE
A HEADACHE FOR A FEW DAYS.

THANK GOD YOU WERE
CARRYING THAT I.D. CARD. OH, BOY.

HONEY, THEY CALLED ME
RIGHT AWAY.

I WAS ABLE TO TELL THEM
YOUR BLOOD TYPE

AND ALL YOUR ALLERGIES.
I MEAN, I KNOW THIS IS NOT

THE TIME TO GLOAT, BUT THAT
CARD WORKED PERFECTLY. (chuckles)

THIS IS THE HEADACHE
THE DOCTOR WAS TALKING ABOUT.

OH, HONEY.
OH, YOU'RE AWAKE.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DODGED
A BULLET WITH THAT BUFFALO.

YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN. I KNOW, I
KNOW. YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT

THAT BUFFALO ATTACKS WOULD
HAPPEN TO SOME OTHER GUY.

NOT ME. I ALWAYS PICTURED
IT HAPPENING TO YOU.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,
I-I CAME IN WITH A TANK TOP?

OH, SORRY. WE HAD TO CUT IT
OFF YOU WHEN YOU CAME IN.

"THUNDER DOWN UNDER"?
HILARIOUS.

(chuckles)

THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?

THIS IS... THIS IS A REAL
EYE-OPENER, I GOTTA ADMIT.

YEAH, WHO KNEW THERE WERE
OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE

WHO WOULD FIND THAT
T-SHIRT FUNNY? (sighs)

I ALMOST DIED.

THE WORLD IS DANGEROUS.

I MEAN, I GOT AWAY
WITH THIS ONE,

BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME
I WON'T BE THAT LUCKY.

(Andy) OH, MY GOD.
WHERE IS HE?!

OH, NO. DON'T YOU DIE ON ME, JIM,
NOT TODAY! ANDY, I AM JUST FINE.

WHAT HAPPENED? DO YOU NEED AN
ORANGE WEDGE? NO, I DON'T NEED A...

HERE, HERE. ANDY, I DON'T WANT
THAT. I DON'T WANT IT. I'M FINE.

ANDY, STOP IT.
LISTEN TO ME.

I-I GOT HEAD-BUTTED
BY A BUFFALO.

HE'S DELIRIOUS.

NO, NO,
IT REALLY HAPPENED.

I'M TELLING YOU, ANDY,
WHEN I SAW THAT SUCKER,

MY HEART ALMOST STOPPED. NO, NOT
THE HEART. EVERYBODY, STAND BACK.

ANDY, ANDY, CALM DOWN. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING? JUST STOP IT.

YEAH, DO YOU EVEN KNOW
HOW TO USE THOSE?

OF COURSE I DO.
HOLD THESE.

JUST SET IT ON "CHARGE."
(high-pitched whirring)

YOU WAIT FOR IT TO BEEP,
AND THEN YOU'RE READY TO GO.

(beep)

(Jim) CLEAR.

OH, DEAR.

(screams)

(both slurp)

MMM.
MMM.

(both slurp)

MMM.
MMM. OH.

WAS I RIGHT?
WAS I RIGHT?

OH, YES,
YOU WERE RIGHT.

(laughs) SOME HOT SOUP,

A LITTLE BLANKET ON THE LAP
ON A CHILLY DAY.

(laughs) DOESN'T GET BETTER
THAN THIS, ANDY.

IT REALLY DOESN'T. I WAS SO
RIGHT. MM, YOU WERE RIGHT.

OH, AND THANKS FOR
UNDERSTANDING ABOUT THE PORCH.

ARE YOU KIDDING? WITH THE SUN
AND THAT GLOBAL WARMING...

I KNOW. IT'S A DEATH SENTENCE
OUT THERE.

AND THAT BUFFALO
IS STILL ON THE LOOSE.

ONCE THEY'VE FELT A HUMAN HEAD
AGAINST THEIR OWN,

THEY CAN'T STOP CRAVING IT.

AND I DON'T WANNA GO
OUT THERE ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S LIKE MY BUTT
WAS MADE FOR THIS ROCKER.

ACTUALLY, THAT ROCKER
WAS MADE FOR YOUR BUTT.

THAT'S NOT WEIRD,
IS IT?

NO. IT'S THOUGHTFUL.

THANK YOU.

HERE'S TO OUR GOLDEN YEARS,
ANDY.

MOST GUYS ONLY GET
10 OR 15.

WE'RE GONNA GET 40.

(chuckles)

HEY, JIM,
WANNA GO FOR A JOG?

WHERE?

OUTSIDE?

WHERE THE WILD ANIMALS ARE?

WELL, I FIGURE NO GUY'S GONNA
GET ATTACKED BY A BUFFALO TWICE.

YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE SAFEST
PERSON IN THE WORLD TO JOG WITH.

I'M THE SAFEST PERSON
IN THE WORLD

BECAUSE I'M SITTING
RIGHT HERE IN THIS HOUSE.

YEAH,
WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?

ENJOYING AN EARLY RETIREMENT

AND SOME VERY,
VERY NICE, HOT SOUP.

(chuckles)

OOH, LOOK,
A PIECE OF HAM.

MAKE SURE YOU CHEW THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T WANT
TO TAKE THE CHANCE.

JUST SPIT IT OUT IN MY HAND.
I'LL CHEW IT FOR YA.

UGH.

THANK YOU, ANDY.

(as Katharine Hepburn
in "On Golden Pond")

YOU ARE MY KNIGHT
IN SHINING ARMOR.

ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'M OUTTA HERE.

EAT MY DUST.

DANG IT.
I WISH I WAS A MAN.

(both slurp)

(doorbell rings)

DANA WENT THAT WAY.

(ring)

DO YOU THINK A BUFFALO
CAN RING THE DOORBELL?

IF IT'S DETERMINED ENOUGH.

LET'S JUST IGNORE IT.

(ring)

DAMN IT.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T
KNOW. I GOTTA GO.

NO, I... I GOTTA DO IT. I
GOTTA OPEN UP THE DOOR.

OKAY, JIM, JIM, JIM,
BE CAREFUL.

COULD BE A HOME INVASION.
USE THE WINDOW. YOU LOOK.

(gasps)
LOOKS LIKE A CANADIAN.

CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, YES, UH,
I'M FROM ANIMAL CONTROL.

I'M FOLLOWING UP
ON A BUFFALO ATTACK.

HOW DO I KNOW
THIS IS FOR REAL?

WELL, WHAT ARE
THE ODDS I GUESSED

YOU HAD
A BUFFALO ATTACK?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

COME ON IN.

HELLO, OFFICER.

(Andy)
HELLO, OFFICER.

UH, YOU CARE FOR A BLANKET
OR SOME HOT SOUP?

I'D OFFER
THE ROCKING CHAIR,

BUT THAT'S FOR ME
AND MY PAL HERE.

ANDY, THIS MAN IS VERY BUSY.
HE'S HERE ON OFFICIAL BUSINESS.

WELL, ACTUALLY,
IF THAT'S NAVY BEAN,

I HAVEN'T HAD LUNCH.

(Jim)
GET THE MAN SOME SOUP!

SO, OFFICER, UH, WHAT CAN I
TELL YOU ABOUT THIS ATTACK?

WELL,
WE NEED TO DETERMINE

IF THE, UH, ANIMAL
IS A CONTINUING MENACE.

CAN YOU COME UP WITH A REASON
WHY THE BUFFALO ATTACKED?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN PROVE IT,

BUT I THINK MY SISTER-IN-LAW
MIGHT HAVE PUT HIM UP TO IT.

UNLIKELY.

BUT A BUFFALO DOESN'T
ATTACK WITHOUT A REASON.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T
PROVOKE HIM IN ANY WAY?

WELL, NOT UNLESS HE'S OFFENDED
BY MY CLEVER T-SHIRTS.

ANY, UH, SUDDEN MOVEMENTS?
LOUD NOISES?

ANYTHING SHINY
THAT COULD HAVE STARTLED HIM?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S ALL KINDA HAZY.

I WAS RUNNING UP
TROGGET HILL,

AND I GOT UP TO THE TOP
TO TAKE A BREATH,

AND I LOOKED UP
AND THERE HE WAS.

(panting)

OKAY, BUDDY.

(growls)

CRAP!

GO ON! STAY AWAY!
STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY FROM ME!

(roars)

AAH!

(thud)

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WAS WEARING
THIS I.D. CARD.

YOU THINK THIS HAS
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?

WELL, I DON'T
REALLY THINK THAT...

OH, MOTHER OF GOD!
STOP IT! STOP.

DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT CAN ENRAGE A BUFFALO?

REALLY?
OF COURSE.

A BUFFALO'S EYES ARE 50 TIMES
MORE SENSITIVE THAN A HUMAN'S.

THAT'S HOW THEY SEE
AT NIGHT.

ISN'T THAT OWLS?

I'M SORRY,
BUT WHICH ONE OF US

APPEARED ON JAY LENO
WITH A MARMOSET?

YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

SO THEORETICALLY THEN,

IF SOMEONE WASN'T
WEARING THIS,

THEY'D BE SAFER.

YOU KNOW, IF I DIDN'T
KNOW ANY BETTER,

I'D SAY THAT THE PERSON
WHO GAVE YOU THAT CARD

WAS TRYING TO KILL YOU.

JIM, WOULD YOU STOP THAT?

STOP WHAT, CHERYL?
FLASHING ME WITH THAT CARD.

WHY?
DOES IT ENRAGE YOU?

DOES IT MAKE YOU WANT
TO HEAD-BUTT ME

AND GIVE ME A CONCUSSION?
A LITTLE.

WELL, THAT'S HOW
A BUFFALO FEELS!

FINE. IT'S MY FAULT
THE BUFFALO ATTACKED YOU.

OKAY. I KNOW
THIS IS NO TIME TO GLOAT.

WAIT A MINUTE.
IT IS TIME TO GLOAT.

GLOAT, GLOAT, GLOAT,
GLOAT, GLOAT, GLOAT.

WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF? CHERYL,
THIS DEATH CARD ALMOST KILLED ME.

YOU GOTTA REALIZE THAT...

THAT CRAZIER THINGS
HAPPEN IN OUR LIFE,

AND NO AMOUNT
OF SUNSCREEN OR HELMETS

OR SPRAY OR I.D.s
IS GONNA CHANGE IT.

JIM, YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT
THE WORST CASE SCENARIO.

I'M LIVING
THE WORST CASE SCENARIO.

YOU'VE GOT ME SO SUCKED UP
INTO YOUR SAFETY BUBBLE,

THAT I'M AFRAID
OF EVERYTHING.

FINE, FINE.

I ADMIT, I MAY HAVE GONE
A LITTLE OVERBOARD LATELY.

"A LITTLE OVERBOARD,"
CHERYL? A LITTLE.

COME ON, YOU WENT
WAY OVERBOARD. WELL...

JUST TELL ME, TELL ME,
TELL ME, TELL ME,

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS
GOING ON WITH YOU? NOTHING.

THAT'S NOT TRUE, CHERYL,
BECAUSE, I MEAN,

USUALLY, YOU'RE JUST
NORMAL CRAZY LADY.

BUT LATELY YOU'VE BEEN, LIKE,
ON "THE VIEW" CRAZY LADY.

REALLY.

JIM.

YOU'VE BEEN NUTS.
YOU'VE BEEN PARANOID.

YOU'VE BEEN ON ME...
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

WHAT?

(sighs) IT'S JUST...

MY LIFE IS SO PERFECT
RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, I-I GOT A HUSBAND
WHO LOVES ME.

I'VE GOT THREE GREAT KIDS.

AND SOMETIMES I WAKE UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

AND I JUST THINK,

"THIS CAN'T LAST."

IT'S LIKE,
THE OTHER SHOE IS GONNA DROP.

OH, BABY.

I KNOW
WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.

WHAT?

I'VE GIVEN YOU
TOO GOOD OF A LIFE.

I'M GONNA HAVE
TO PULL BACK IN A LITTLE.

(laughing) OH, STOP IT.

NO, I KNOW, WE DO. WE
HAVE A PERFECT LIFE. I KNOW.

AND I REALLY THINK
IT'S SWEET

THAT YOU AND YOUR BROTHER
WANT TO GROW OLD.

(laughs)

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU KNOW, I-I GOTTA ADMIT,

I THINK THE SAME THINGS.

NOT AS MUCH AS YOU DO,
BUT I THINK ABOUT...

I DON'T KNOW,
WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED

TO OUR PRECIOUS
LITTLE FAMILY?

EXACTLY. EXACTLY.
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT?

WELL, EASY.
I-I EXERCISE,

I YELL AT THE TV A LOT,

AND I HIT YOUR BROTHER.

I REALLY GOT TO GIVE
THAT A TRY.

I JUST DON'T DWELL ON IT.

I MEAN, THE MORE TIME
YOU SPEND WORRYING,

THE LESS TIME WE HAVE
TO LIVE OUR LIFE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I PROMISE I'LL BACK OFF.

OH, CHERYL.

THAT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

SO THIS IS WHAT I DID.
WHAT?

I WENT DOWN
TO MY T-SHIRT GUY,

AND I MADE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, JIM.
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

RIGHT? RIGHT. HOLD ON.

CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK I LOVE YOU.

YOU DO, DO YOU?

I DO.

WELL, THEN,
WHAT DO YOU SAY

YOU AND I SMOOCH
ON THE COUCH HERE A LITTLE BIT?

JIM, THE KIDS ARE PLAYING
RIGHT IN THE BACKYARD.

I KNOW, BUT FROM NOW ON,
WE'RE GONNA LIVE DANGEROUSLY.

(laughs)