According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 17 - No Bedrest for the Wicked - full transcript
Jim looks forward to Cheryl ending her bed rest period because he is getting tired of taking care of the house and children every day.
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
HEY J-DAWG.
CAN I GET A WHAT-WHAT?
WHAT?
AND ONE MORE?
WHAT?!
AH. MY MAN,
KICKIN' IT OLD-SCHOOL.
AH. GET OUTTA HERE.
WHATCHA DOIN'?
AH, I'M MAKING A LIST
OF ALL THE THINGS
I WANT CHERYL TO DO WHEN
SHE GETS OFF OF BED REST.
HEY, UH, IS "FENCE POST"
ONE WORD OR TWO?
WAIT. YOU'VE GOT HER
DIGGING FENCES?
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.
DURING HER WHOLE PREGNANCY,
I'VE BEEN DOING
ALL THE HOUSEWORK.
AS SOON AS HER DOCTOR SIGNS OFF
ON HER LADY BUSINESS,
I WANT HER DOING
SOME OF MY JOBS.
"MOW LAWN"...
YEP.
"RAKE LEAVES"...
MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, JIM, WE COULD
MAKE SOME MONEY HERE.
I'M PRETTY SURE THERE'S
A FETISH MARKET ON THE INTERNET
FOR PREGNANT WOMEN
DOING YARD WORK.
ACTUALLY,
I-I'M VERY SURE THERE IS.
ANDY, YOU ARE SICK!
BUT YOU'LL SEND ME
THAT LINK, RIGHT?
OH, YEAH.
♪♪♪
YOU KNOW, ANDY, THE BEST PART
OF THIS WHOLE THING
IS WHEN CHERYL GOES OFF
OF BED REST,
WE CAN FINALLY GET BACK
TO BED ACTION.
MM. WOW.
THAT... THAT IS GOOD NEWS.
IT IS.
YOU GET TO HAVE SEX
WITH MY PREGNANT SISTER
WHILE...
WHILE MY UNBORN TWIN NEPHEWS
WATCH ON IN HORROR.
ANDY,
IT'S BEEN NINE MONTHS.
IF THEY BLINK ONCE,
THEY'LL MISS IT.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, THERE'S THE QUEEN
OF MY CASTLE.
(laughs)
I MEAN,
IT'S NOT QUITE A CASTLE.
I MEAN, CASTLES HAVE FENCES.
UM, HONEY, FIRST OF ALL,
THE... THE BABIES ARE FINE,
BUT THE DOCTOR REALLY
DOESN'T WANT ME ON MY FEET
UNTIL I GO INTO LABOR,
SO I'M STILL ON BED REST.
BED REST?
ARE YOU SURE
HE SAID "BED REST"
AND NOT
"YOU SHOULD BE FED LESS"?
NO.
NO?
DO YOU WANT ME
TO HELP YOU UPSTAIRS?
NO, THANKS, HONEY.
I'M FINE.
LOOK, UH, JIM?
YEAH, CHERYL? I-I KNOW YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED, AND I REALLY WANTED
TO START PITCHING IN
AROUND HERE, TOO, BUT...
IT'S NO BIG DEAL,
HONEY, REALLY. COME ON.
I DIDN'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
I AM THE BEST, AREN'T I?
YEAH.
(grunts)
WHAT'S THAT?
AH, IT'S JUST A LIST
OF THINGS I GOTTA DO
BEFORE THE BABIES GET HERE.
OH, WELL, I'D BE HAPPY TO PITCH IN.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D WANNA...
OH, I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY WANNA...
"PLAY PREGNANT STRIPPER WHO
NEEDS CASH TO PAY RENT"? GIMME THAT.
DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.
STUCK DOING
MY OWN LAWN WORK.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, JIM,
I'M... I'M PRETTY SURE THERE'S
A FETISH SITE ON THE INTERNET
FOR HUSKY BLUE-COLLAR GUYS
DOING YARD WORK.
ACTUALLY,
I'M VERY SURE THERE IS.
QUEEN CHERYL
WANTS HER FAVORITE CEREAL.
QUEEN CHERYL WANTS
HER ORGANIC RAISINS.
QUEEN CHERYL WANTS
HER LIGHTBULBS!
AH! A-ACTUALLY,
I NEEDED THE LIGHTBULBS,
BUT, AH, THAT'S OKAY.
A GROWN MAN CAN GO
ONE NIGHT
WITHOUT FIRING UP
THE OLD EASY-BAKE.
OH, ANDY,
I NEED A BREAK.
I JUST WANTED
A COUPLE DAYS
BETWEEN THE PREGNANCY
AND THE BIRTH... YEAH.
HAVE A LITTLE SEX,
MAYBE EVEN
A REPAVED DRIVEWAY.
THIS HAS BEEN A TOUGH TIME
FOR YOU, JIM. I KNOW IT. YEAH. YEAH.
I TELL YOU WHAT...
YOU BUY ME SOME NEW LIGHTBULBS,
AND WE'LL SEE IF A 4-INCH TRAY
OF SNICKERDOODLES
DOESN'T TURN THAT FROWN
UPSIDE DOWN, HUH? AAH.
HUH?
HELLO, JIM.
OH, DR. COLLINS,
HOW ARE YOU?
ANDY, THIS IS CHERYL'S
LADY DOCTOR. OH.
HOW ARE YA?
EW.
BUT, JIM,
WHY ARE YOU SHOPPING?
I MEAN, THIS IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF THING
CHERYL SHOULD BE DOING, NOW
THAT SHE'S OFF BED REST. NO, J-JIM... JIM,
THIS ISN'T WHAT CHERYL SAID
WHEN SHE GOT HOME.
HEY, ARE YOU
LYING TO US, MAN?
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE
IN VERY POOR TASTE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, MAN!
ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, ANDY!
COME ON!
ANDY!
COME ON!
ANDY!
DR. COLLINS...
YOU TOLD HER ABOUT THE BED REST
THIS MORNING?
YES.
ISN'T THAT GOOD NEWS?
OH, IT'S GOOD NEWS, DOCTOR.
OH, IT'S VERY GOOD NEWS
INDEED.
ANDY, DIRECT ME
TO THE WHUP-ASS AISLE.
I'LL BE NEEDING SEVERAL CANS.
OH! THERE'S THE MOTHER
OF MY CHILDREN.
RESTING IN BED
AS PER THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
YES.
SO WERE YOU GUYS SHOPPING?
SHOPPING? OF COURSE.
UH, WHAT SATURDAY
HAVEN'T I SHOPPED
IN THE LAST NINE MONTHS?
YEP. NOTHING'S DIFFERENT.
MNH-MNH.
JIM'S SHOPPING.
YOU'RE LYING IN BED,
AS PER THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
YES.
DID YOU GUYS GET ME
MY ICE CREAM?
OOH, DID WE REMEMBER HER
ICE CREAM? THIS ICE CREAM HERE?
OOH, THIS ICE CREAM INDEED.
ARE YOU GONNA GIVE IT TO ME?
OH, I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YA.
I'M GONNA
GIVE IT TO YA, BABY.
YEAH!
OH!
WHAT THE HELL?
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I'M IN THE DARK.
MAYBE THESE BULBS
WILL LIGHT UP THE SUBJECT.
NO. NO, NO. NO. AAH!
DAMN IT!
GUESS WHO I RAN INTO AT
THE GROCERY MART TODAY, CHERYL.
HERE'S A STAB...
DR. COLLINS,
AND HE TOLD YOU
I'M NOT ON BED REST.
AND HE TOLD ME
YOU WERE NOT...
OKAY, SO YOU GUESSED.
MY WIFE
IS A BIG, FAT LIAR!
AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THIS MARRIAGE
WAS BASED ON YOUR HONESTY.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I SAW ICE CREAM
FLYING OUT THE WINDOW
AND ANDY RUNNING
DOWN THE STAIRS MUTTERING,
"MY BULBS,
MY BEAUTIFUL BULBS."
JIM FIGURED OUT
I WAS FAKING.
AW, CRAP.
WHAT,
YOU WERE IN ON THIS, TOO?
OH, MY GOD, CHERYL,
HOW DEEP DOES THIS GO?
ARE YOU EVEN PREGNANT?
NO, JIM.
NO, SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.
AND GUESS WHAT ELSE.
SHE'S A DUDE.
OKAY, OKAY,
HERE'S THE TRUTH.
IF I GET UP
AND START MOVING AROUND...
(voice breaking) THESE BABIES
ARE GONNA POP OUT,
AND THIS FAMILY
IS GONNA BE CHANGED FOREVER.
CHERYL, CHERYL,
COME ON WITH THE CRYING.
STOP WITH THE CRYING.
(crying) I KNOW, I KNOW.
COME ON.
YOU'RE NOT THE VICTIM.
I'M THE VICTIM!
I SHOULD BE CRYING.
I KNOW, I KNOW,
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
I GUESS
I JUST WANTED TO SAVOR
THESE LAST FEW DAYS
BEFORE EVERYTHING CHANGED.
BUT... BUT, HONEY,
IT WAS WRONG. (sobs)
AND I'M SO SORRY.
BUT, CHERYL,
THE DOCTOR SAID...
(sobbing)
AND FOR THESE SEVEN MONTHS
I'VE BEEN...
(wails)
THIS SUCKS!
I TOTALLY CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED
AS A BIG, FAT LIAR,
AND YOU DOUBLE-CROSS ME
WITH LEGITIMATE,
DEEP, EMOTIONAL FEELINGS.
ACTUALLY,
SHE TRIPLE-CROSSED YOU.
SHE'S A DUDE.
OH, STOP IT!
I-I'M SORRY, HONEY.
I-I'M SORRY. I WAS WRONG.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE... WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE? I'M GETTING UP. I'M NOT ON BED REST.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
PLEASE, CHERYL, WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
IF... IF IT'S
THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU,
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST STAY IN BED
AND ENJOY YOURSELF
THE LAST COUPLE DAYS?
REALLY?
YEAH, REALLY.
ARE YOU SURE?
I SAID, "REALLY."
DON'T PUSH IT.
AND IF YOU REALLY WANT
THAT ICE CREAM,
I PROBABLY COULD SCRAPE THE ANTS
AND THE BROKEN LIGHTBULB OFF IT.
I'LL GO GET IT.
OR YOU COULD JUST GO BACK
TO THE STORE.
FINE.
WOW, I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS DRIVEN BY LEGITIMATE,
DEEP, EMOTIONAL FEELINGS.
WELL... (sniffles)
NOW THAT JIM'S GONE,
I CAN TELL YOU THAT...
MAYBE THEY WEREN'T
THAT LEGITIMATE.
OR DEEP OR EMOTIONAL,
REALLY.
WAIT. YOU WERE LYING?
(sighs) YEAH.
AGAIN? WHY?
MAMA'S NOT COOKIN'.
MAMA'S NOT CLEANIN'.
MAMA'S NOT DIGGIN'
NO FENCE POSTS.
MAMA'S A BAD MAMA.
CAN I GET A WHAT-WHAT?
(laughs)
(vacuum whirring)
(vacuum turns off) I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS THING.
IT DOESN'T WORK.
HUH. I'VE BEEN HAVING THE SAME
PROBLEM WITH MY EASY-BAKE OVEN.
(doorbell rings)
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
(gasps)
IS... IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS? IS
THIS WHAT... YEAH, JIM, THIS IS THE, UH...
LET HIM SAY IT.
LET HIM SAY IT.
(plays fanfare)
(British accent)
"HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
"BY ORDER OF STEVIE B,
"EMPEROR OF RIBS,
VICEROY OF BARBECUE SAUCE
"AND SOVEREIGN RULER
OF ALL THINGS GRILLED,
YOU ARE HEREBY ANOINTED
KING FOR A DAY..."
YES!
"ON THE STEVIE B's RIB CAFE
BOOZE AND BLUES CRUISE
ON THE LAKE."
YES!
(gasps)
YOU WILL REIGN FOR 12 HOURS
AS THE "S.S. BABYBACK"
SAILS TO THE FAR-OFF SHORES
OF AN EXOTIC LAND
KNOWN ONLY AS... MICHIGAN.
(gasps)
IF IT PLEASES
YOUR HIGHNESS...
OH, IT PLEASES
MY HIGHNESS GREATLY!
GOOD. WE SET SAIL TOMORROW
AT 10:00 A.M.
IT MAY ALSO PLEASE
YOUR HIGHNESS TO, UH...
(normal voice)
BRING A LIGHT JACKET
AND CASH
FOR PREMIUM WELL DRINKS.
YEAH, TELL STEVIE B
THAT I WANNA DO THAT...
(British accent) TELL HIM
THAT I ACCEPT THINE OFFER.
(British accent)
BY YOUR LEAVE, SIRE.
OKAY. LEAVE.
LEAVE. (normal
voice) I'M LEAVING.
(normal voice)
LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!
HA HA HA!
YES! YES! YES!
OH, KING FOR A DAY!
YES, YES.
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT YOU DESERVE.
(British accent)
I DESERVE IT. I DESERVE IT.
THIS IS YOUR REWARD.
MY REWARD.
FOR THE WAY YOU'VE TREATED
CHERYL FOR THE LAST NINE MONTHS.
(normal voice)
CHERYL... CURSES!
WHAT?
I CAN'T GO TO SEA
FOR 12 HOURS
WHEN THE BIG WHITE WHALE
IS ABOUT TO BLOW!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
UGH!
WHY NOT?
YOU ARE THE KING.
YEAH, BUT BE SERIOUS.
I AM SERIOUS.
CHERYL'S BACK ON BED REST,
JIM.
THESE BABIES
MAY NOT COME FOR DAYS.
AND YOU...
YOU DESERVE THIS.
THAT'S TRUE.
AND IF I MISS THE DELIVERY,
WE CAN ALWAYS START
A NEW LIFE IN MICHIGAN.
UNLESS THOSE BABIES COME OUT
BEFORE WE SET SAIL,
I SEE NO REASON
WHY YOU CAN'T GO.
NO REASON.
NO REASON AT ALL.
(chuckles evilly)
(whispers)
LONG LIVE THE KING.
LONG LIVE THE KING!
LONG LIVE THE KING!
YOU KNOW, CHERYL,
I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU.
PUNISHING A GUY WHO'S BEEN
A BONEHEAD IS ONE THING,
BUT PUNISHING A GUY
WHO'S BEEN AN ABSOLUTE PRINCE
FOR THE LAST NINE MONTHS,
BRA-VO.
DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.
YOU MAKE ME SOUND LIKE
A HORRIBLE PERSON.
YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON.
YOU'RE MY ROLE MODEL. OH.
I'M THINKING ABOUT
FAKING A PREGNANCY
JUST TO GET MY HUSBAND
TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT AM I DOING?
HE'S BEEN SO GOOD FOR NINE MONTHS.
AND SO ROTTEN FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS.
THIS IS NUTS.
DANA, HELP ME UP.
I GOTTA GET THESE BABIES
OUT OF ME.
NO, NO, CHERYL,
GET BACK IN BED.
NO, PUNISH HIM. JUST...
GRIND HIM INTO THE DIRT! DANA.
CHERYL, IF YOU GO DOWN THERE,
THEN HE WINS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
WE'RE GONNA SEE A VICTORY DANCE.
OH, DON'T WORRY.
HE DOESN'T DO THAT ANYMORE.
OH!
WHOO!
JIM, I HAVE BEEN
TO "RIVERDANCE" FIVE TIMES.
THEY HAVE NOTHING
ON WHAT YOU JUST DID.
OH, I FELT IT, TOO, ANDY.
EVER SINCE THEY MADE ME
THE KING, I'VE CHANGED INSIDE.
I SEE THE GOOD
IN THE WORLD,
NOT JUST PREGNANCY
AND BABIES. OH. (laughs)
I'M THE KING! YOU
ARE THE KING. (laughs)
JIM?
YES.
HONEY, I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO
TELL YOU. OH, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE SEX. I LIKE
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. GO, GET OUT.
GO.
JIM! CHERYL!
YOU'RE MAKING
A BIG MISTAKE.
YEAH, WE'LL MAKE
A FEW MISTAKES
'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T DONE IT
FOR A WHILE. GO.
UH, JIM, UH, I'M PRETTY SURE
THERE'S A FETISH SITE ON
THE INTERNET... GET OUT!
OKAY. OKAY,
WHERE DO YOU WANNA DO IT?
OH, WE'RE GONNA NEED
SOME ROOM. (table scrapes floor)
SHOULD I GET SOME NEWSPAPERS
FOR THE RUG?
HONEY, DON'T YOU WANNA KNOW
WHY I WANNA DO IT?
NO, I JUST WANNA DO IT.
I WANNA DO IT AND FALL ASLEEP
WHILE YOU'RE TELLING ME WHY WE
SHOULD DO IT. OKAY, BUT LISTEN TO ME,
BECAUSE MAKING LOVE IS
A GREAT WAY TO INDUCE LABOR.
(exhales deeply)
CHERYL, "MAKING LOVE"
IS A VERY FANCY TERM
FOR WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS WORKS,
WE COULD HAVE THESE BABIES
TONIGHT.
EXCUSE ME. WHAT?
WE COULD HAVE
THESE BABIES TONIGHT.
LOOK, HONEY, I KNOW YOU'RE
TIRED OF TAKING CARE OF ME,
SO THE SOONER WE HAVE SEX,
THE SOONER I GO INTO LABOR.
TONIGHT, HUH?
(sighs) OH, CHERYL...
JUST NOT IN THE MOOD.
NOT IN THE MOOD?
YOU GOT KICKED IN THE JUNK
BY A HORSE,
AND YOU WERE
STILL IN THE MOOD.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU, CHERYL?
I'M NOT JUST LIKE A LIGHTBULB
YOU CAN TURN ON AND OFF. BOOBS.
(breathy voice)
NOT WORKING.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IS IT... 'CAUSE YOU'RE
NOT ATTRACTED TO ME
WHEN I LOOK LIKE THIS?
IF I SAY YES,
WILL YOU GO AWAY?
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
NOT IN THE MOOD? (grunts)
HEY, WE COULD PLAY
"PREGNANT STRIPPER
NEEDS TIPS TO PAY THE RENT."
CHERYL, I DON'T LIKE
THAT GAME.
I FIND IT VERY DEMEANING
TO PREGNANT WOMEN,
STRIPPERS AND RENTERS.
YOU KNOW,
I'M STARTING TO THINK
YOU DON'T WANT THESE TWINS
TO COME. I DON'T, NOT YET.
I MEAN, I WAS THINKING
ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING
THE OTHER NIGHT
ABOUT PRESERVING THE FAMILY,
AND I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU.
YOU WON ME OVER.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M WRONG. ALL
RIGHT, YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX,
AND YOU JUST ADMITTED
TO BEING WRONG.
EITHER YOU'RE HAVING
AN AFFAIR,
OR YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING INSANE
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO KNOW ABOUT.
(sighs) HER NAME IS SUE.
REALLY?
WHERE'D YOU MEET HER?
AT THE GYM.
SHE'S A, UH, YOU KNOW,
A SPINNING INSTRUCTOR.
WHAT'S SPINNING?
HULA HOOPS?
ALL RIGHT, JIM, COME ON.
SPILL IT. WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING'S GOING ON
EXCEPT FOR MY UNDYING LOVE
FOR YOU AND OUR CHILDREN
IN OUR CURRENT FAMILY
STRUCTURE. OH, I SEE.
THEN I GUESS YOU PROBABLY DON'T
WANT ME TO SHAKE THE TWINS OUT
BY DOING THIS. OH, WOW. OH, DEAR. OH, MY GOD, HONEY.
OH, CHERYL! OH, CHERYL, YOU'RE TESTING MY UNDYING LOVE!
OH, HONEY, THEY'RE COMING!
I THINK A HAND JUST POPPED OUT!
OH, CHERYL, STOP IT!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP
IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! WHAT?
STOP IT. ALL RIGHT.
THEY MADE ME KING FOR A DAY
ON THE STEVIE B's
BLUES AND BOOZE CRUISE
ON THE LAKE TOMORROW
FOR 12 HOURS.
(clears throat) OKAY.
I AM ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH.
YES.
AND YOU WANNA GO ON A BOAT
ON A LAKE
FOR 12 HOURS EATING RIBS?
YES, CHERYL, I DO.
I THINK I DESERVE IT.
I MEAN,
FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS,
I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND
THE CHILDREN AND THE... YOU SHOULD GO.
I TAKE 'EM TO SCHOOL.
I-I-I DO THE LAUNDRY. YEAH.
I DO ALL THE COOKING FOR 'EM.
I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT.
I-I DO THE FLOOR.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, THE VACUUM CLEANER
NEEDS TO BE FIXED. GO ON THE CRUISE.
I THINK I'VE REALLY DESERVED
AND EARNED THIS MO... WHAT'S THAT?
YOU SHOULD GO
ON THE CRUISE.
OKAY, BLONDIE,
WHAT'S THE GAME?
LOOK, HONEY, I ADMIT THE CRUISE
SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT SELFISH,
BUT I'VE BEEN
PRETTY SELFISH MYSELF.
NO, YOU WERE JUST TRYING
TO PRESERVE OUR FAMILY
IN ITS CURRENT STRUCTURE.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
THE CURRENT STRUCTURE
I WAS TRYING TO PRESERVE
WAS YOU DOING EVERYTHING
WHILE I SAT AROUND ON MY ASS.
BUT YOU HAD LEGITIMATE, DEEP,
EMOTIONAL FEELINGS, CHERYL.
(imitates sobbing)
LEGITIMATE, DEEP, EMOTIONAL...
(normal voice)
YEAH, FAKED.
(sighs)
YOU PULLED OFF
A DOUBLE FAKE.
BRAVO, CHERYL.
WAIT A MINUTE. IS DANA RIGHT?
ARE YOU A DUDE?
OH, JIM.
(scoffs) NO.
I THINK I JUST WENT
A LITTLE CRAZY, YOU KNOW,
THINKING ABOUT WHAT IT'S GONNA
BE LIKE WITH FIVE KIDS.
(both sigh)
ME, TOO.
REALLY?
YEAH. FIVE KIDS ARE A LOT,
CHERYL. IT'S A LOT.
WHEW.
HOW THE HELL
ARE WE GONNA HANDLE IT?
(scoffs) PROBABLY NOT BY
LYING AND TRICKING EACH OTHER.
(sighs)
HATE TO GIVE THAT ONE UP.
(laughs)
OH, HONEY.
(exhales deeply)
OH, I GUESS
I'M NOT GONNA GET
MY ICE CREAM
AND GOSSIP MAGAZINES.
YEAH, I'M NOT
GONNA GET MY RIBS
OR BE ABLE TO PEE
OFF THE SIDE OF THE BOAT.
I'M SORRY.
AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DO YOU THINK
THAT YOU COULD HANDLE
HOLDING OFF YOUR RAGING DESIRE
FOR ME FOR A FEW HOURS?
I THINK I CAN MANAGE.
(trumpets play fanfare)
ALL THIS
WITH JUST ONE PHONE CALL?
WELL, I MAY NOT BE
ON THE BLUES CRUISE,
BUT I'M STILL THE KING!
(imitates
trumpet playing fanfare)
HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
IN HONOR
OF THE KING AND QUEEN,
I PRESENT
FOR THY ROYAL PLEASURE
STEVIE B's SMOKED MEATS
AND HUSH PUPPIES.
(British accent)
AS YOUR KING,
I DECLARE THIS... FORSOOTH!
(normal voice)
"FORSOOTH" IS GOOD, RIGHT?
AS YOU WISH, MY KING.
MMM.
WH... MY KING?
YES.
YOU HAVE SOME SAUCE
ON YOUR CHIN. (grunts)
WENCH? WHERE'S MY WENCH?!
YES, MILADY?
MILORD NEEDS HIS CHIN WIPED.
UGH.
OH, I'M NOT DOING THAT.
HE'S JUST GONNA LOOK
DOWN MY DRESS AGAIN.
FORSOOTH.
YOU DO IT.
AND CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE
THE STUPID BABIES.
(British accent)
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME
IN THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBERS,
MY WENCH?
I THOUGHT I WAS THE QUEEN.
(normal voice)
OH, BELIEVE ME,
YOU'LL BE WEARING A FEW HATS
BEFORE THE NIGHT'S OVER.
EXCEPT... MY WATER JUST
BROKE. YOUR WATER JUST BROKE?
OH, WE'RE NEVER GONNA GET
THAT GUCK OFF THE THRONE!
WIPING WENCH!
(door opens and shuts)
HONEY, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO TAKE ME
TO THE HOSPITAL. FINE,
FINE, FINE, PACK A SMALL BAG.
I-I'M ALREADY PACKED.
NO, NO, OF THE ROYAL FEAST.
I'M NOT CARRYING IT.
I'M THE KING!
---
HEY J-DAWG.
CAN I GET A WHAT-WHAT?
WHAT?
AND ONE MORE?
WHAT?!
AH. MY MAN,
KICKIN' IT OLD-SCHOOL.
AH. GET OUTTA HERE.
WHATCHA DOIN'?
AH, I'M MAKING A LIST
OF ALL THE THINGS
I WANT CHERYL TO DO WHEN
SHE GETS OFF OF BED REST.
HEY, UH, IS "FENCE POST"
ONE WORD OR TWO?
WAIT. YOU'VE GOT HER
DIGGING FENCES?
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.
DURING HER WHOLE PREGNANCY,
I'VE BEEN DOING
ALL THE HOUSEWORK.
AS SOON AS HER DOCTOR SIGNS OFF
ON HER LADY BUSINESS,
I WANT HER DOING
SOME OF MY JOBS.
"MOW LAWN"...
YEP.
"RAKE LEAVES"...
MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, JIM, WE COULD
MAKE SOME MONEY HERE.
I'M PRETTY SURE THERE'S
A FETISH MARKET ON THE INTERNET
FOR PREGNANT WOMEN
DOING YARD WORK.
ACTUALLY,
I-I'M VERY SURE THERE IS.
ANDY, YOU ARE SICK!
BUT YOU'LL SEND ME
THAT LINK, RIGHT?
OH, YEAH.
♪♪♪
YOU KNOW, ANDY, THE BEST PART
OF THIS WHOLE THING
IS WHEN CHERYL GOES OFF
OF BED REST,
WE CAN FINALLY GET BACK
TO BED ACTION.
MM. WOW.
THAT... THAT IS GOOD NEWS.
IT IS.
YOU GET TO HAVE SEX
WITH MY PREGNANT SISTER
WHILE...
WHILE MY UNBORN TWIN NEPHEWS
WATCH ON IN HORROR.
ANDY,
IT'S BEEN NINE MONTHS.
IF THEY BLINK ONCE,
THEY'LL MISS IT.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, THERE'S THE QUEEN
OF MY CASTLE.
(laughs)
I MEAN,
IT'S NOT QUITE A CASTLE.
I MEAN, CASTLES HAVE FENCES.
UM, HONEY, FIRST OF ALL,
THE... THE BABIES ARE FINE,
BUT THE DOCTOR REALLY
DOESN'T WANT ME ON MY FEET
UNTIL I GO INTO LABOR,
SO I'M STILL ON BED REST.
BED REST?
ARE YOU SURE
HE SAID "BED REST"
AND NOT
"YOU SHOULD BE FED LESS"?
NO.
NO?
DO YOU WANT ME
TO HELP YOU UPSTAIRS?
NO, THANKS, HONEY.
I'M FINE.
LOOK, UH, JIM?
YEAH, CHERYL? I-I KNOW YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED, AND I REALLY WANTED
TO START PITCHING IN
AROUND HERE, TOO, BUT...
IT'S NO BIG DEAL,
HONEY, REALLY. COME ON.
I DIDN'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
I AM THE BEST, AREN'T I?
YEAH.
(grunts)
WHAT'S THAT?
AH, IT'S JUST A LIST
OF THINGS I GOTTA DO
BEFORE THE BABIES GET HERE.
OH, WELL, I'D BE HAPPY TO PITCH IN.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D WANNA...
OH, I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY WANNA...
"PLAY PREGNANT STRIPPER WHO
NEEDS CASH TO PAY RENT"? GIMME THAT.
DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.
STUCK DOING
MY OWN LAWN WORK.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, JIM,
I'M... I'M PRETTY SURE THERE'S
A FETISH SITE ON THE INTERNET
FOR HUSKY BLUE-COLLAR GUYS
DOING YARD WORK.
ACTUALLY,
I'M VERY SURE THERE IS.
QUEEN CHERYL
WANTS HER FAVORITE CEREAL.
QUEEN CHERYL WANTS
HER ORGANIC RAISINS.
QUEEN CHERYL WANTS
HER LIGHTBULBS!
AH! A-ACTUALLY,
I NEEDED THE LIGHTBULBS,
BUT, AH, THAT'S OKAY.
A GROWN MAN CAN GO
ONE NIGHT
WITHOUT FIRING UP
THE OLD EASY-BAKE.
OH, ANDY,
I NEED A BREAK.
I JUST WANTED
A COUPLE DAYS
BETWEEN THE PREGNANCY
AND THE BIRTH... YEAH.
HAVE A LITTLE SEX,
MAYBE EVEN
A REPAVED DRIVEWAY.
THIS HAS BEEN A TOUGH TIME
FOR YOU, JIM. I KNOW IT. YEAH. YEAH.
I TELL YOU WHAT...
YOU BUY ME SOME NEW LIGHTBULBS,
AND WE'LL SEE IF A 4-INCH TRAY
OF SNICKERDOODLES
DOESN'T TURN THAT FROWN
UPSIDE DOWN, HUH? AAH.
HUH?
HELLO, JIM.
OH, DR. COLLINS,
HOW ARE YOU?
ANDY, THIS IS CHERYL'S
LADY DOCTOR. OH.
HOW ARE YA?
EW.
BUT, JIM,
WHY ARE YOU SHOPPING?
I MEAN, THIS IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF THING
CHERYL SHOULD BE DOING, NOW
THAT SHE'S OFF BED REST. NO, J-JIM... JIM,
THIS ISN'T WHAT CHERYL SAID
WHEN SHE GOT HOME.
HEY, ARE YOU
LYING TO US, MAN?
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE
IN VERY POOR TASTE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, MAN!
ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, ANDY!
COME ON!
ANDY!
COME ON!
ANDY!
DR. COLLINS...
YOU TOLD HER ABOUT THE BED REST
THIS MORNING?
YES.
ISN'T THAT GOOD NEWS?
OH, IT'S GOOD NEWS, DOCTOR.
OH, IT'S VERY GOOD NEWS
INDEED.
ANDY, DIRECT ME
TO THE WHUP-ASS AISLE.
I'LL BE NEEDING SEVERAL CANS.
OH! THERE'S THE MOTHER
OF MY CHILDREN.
RESTING IN BED
AS PER THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
YES.
SO WERE YOU GUYS SHOPPING?
SHOPPING? OF COURSE.
UH, WHAT SATURDAY
HAVEN'T I SHOPPED
IN THE LAST NINE MONTHS?
YEP. NOTHING'S DIFFERENT.
MNH-MNH.
JIM'S SHOPPING.
YOU'RE LYING IN BED,
AS PER THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
YES.
DID YOU GUYS GET ME
MY ICE CREAM?
OOH, DID WE REMEMBER HER
ICE CREAM? THIS ICE CREAM HERE?
OOH, THIS ICE CREAM INDEED.
ARE YOU GONNA GIVE IT TO ME?
OH, I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YA.
I'M GONNA
GIVE IT TO YA, BABY.
YEAH!
OH!
WHAT THE HELL?
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I'M IN THE DARK.
MAYBE THESE BULBS
WILL LIGHT UP THE SUBJECT.
NO. NO, NO. NO. AAH!
DAMN IT!
GUESS WHO I RAN INTO AT
THE GROCERY MART TODAY, CHERYL.
HERE'S A STAB...
DR. COLLINS,
AND HE TOLD YOU
I'M NOT ON BED REST.
AND HE TOLD ME
YOU WERE NOT...
OKAY, SO YOU GUESSED.
MY WIFE
IS A BIG, FAT LIAR!
AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THIS MARRIAGE
WAS BASED ON YOUR HONESTY.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I SAW ICE CREAM
FLYING OUT THE WINDOW
AND ANDY RUNNING
DOWN THE STAIRS MUTTERING,
"MY BULBS,
MY BEAUTIFUL BULBS."
JIM FIGURED OUT
I WAS FAKING.
AW, CRAP.
WHAT,
YOU WERE IN ON THIS, TOO?
OH, MY GOD, CHERYL,
HOW DEEP DOES THIS GO?
ARE YOU EVEN PREGNANT?
NO, JIM.
NO, SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.
AND GUESS WHAT ELSE.
SHE'S A DUDE.
OKAY, OKAY,
HERE'S THE TRUTH.
IF I GET UP
AND START MOVING AROUND...
(voice breaking) THESE BABIES
ARE GONNA POP OUT,
AND THIS FAMILY
IS GONNA BE CHANGED FOREVER.
CHERYL, CHERYL,
COME ON WITH THE CRYING.
STOP WITH THE CRYING.
(crying) I KNOW, I KNOW.
COME ON.
YOU'RE NOT THE VICTIM.
I'M THE VICTIM!
I SHOULD BE CRYING.
I KNOW, I KNOW,
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
I GUESS
I JUST WANTED TO SAVOR
THESE LAST FEW DAYS
BEFORE EVERYTHING CHANGED.
BUT... BUT, HONEY,
IT WAS WRONG. (sobs)
AND I'M SO SORRY.
BUT, CHERYL,
THE DOCTOR SAID...
(sobbing)
AND FOR THESE SEVEN MONTHS
I'VE BEEN...
(wails)
THIS SUCKS!
I TOTALLY CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED
AS A BIG, FAT LIAR,
AND YOU DOUBLE-CROSS ME
WITH LEGITIMATE,
DEEP, EMOTIONAL FEELINGS.
ACTUALLY,
SHE TRIPLE-CROSSED YOU.
SHE'S A DUDE.
OH, STOP IT!
I-I'M SORRY, HONEY.
I-I'M SORRY. I WAS WRONG.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE... WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE? I'M GETTING UP. I'M NOT ON BED REST.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
PLEASE, CHERYL, WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
IF... IF IT'S
THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU,
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST STAY IN BED
AND ENJOY YOURSELF
THE LAST COUPLE DAYS?
REALLY?
YEAH, REALLY.
ARE YOU SURE?
I SAID, "REALLY."
DON'T PUSH IT.
AND IF YOU REALLY WANT
THAT ICE CREAM,
I PROBABLY COULD SCRAPE THE ANTS
AND THE BROKEN LIGHTBULB OFF IT.
I'LL GO GET IT.
OR YOU COULD JUST GO BACK
TO THE STORE.
FINE.
WOW, I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS DRIVEN BY LEGITIMATE,
DEEP, EMOTIONAL FEELINGS.
WELL... (sniffles)
NOW THAT JIM'S GONE,
I CAN TELL YOU THAT...
MAYBE THEY WEREN'T
THAT LEGITIMATE.
OR DEEP OR EMOTIONAL,
REALLY.
WAIT. YOU WERE LYING?
(sighs) YEAH.
AGAIN? WHY?
MAMA'S NOT COOKIN'.
MAMA'S NOT CLEANIN'.
MAMA'S NOT DIGGIN'
NO FENCE POSTS.
MAMA'S A BAD MAMA.
CAN I GET A WHAT-WHAT?
(laughs)
(vacuum whirring)
(vacuum turns off) I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS THING.
IT DOESN'T WORK.
HUH. I'VE BEEN HAVING THE SAME
PROBLEM WITH MY EASY-BAKE OVEN.
(doorbell rings)
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
(gasps)
IS... IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS? IS
THIS WHAT... YEAH, JIM, THIS IS THE, UH...
LET HIM SAY IT.
LET HIM SAY IT.
(plays fanfare)
(British accent)
"HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
"BY ORDER OF STEVIE B,
"EMPEROR OF RIBS,
VICEROY OF BARBECUE SAUCE
"AND SOVEREIGN RULER
OF ALL THINGS GRILLED,
YOU ARE HEREBY ANOINTED
KING FOR A DAY..."
YES!
"ON THE STEVIE B's RIB CAFE
BOOZE AND BLUES CRUISE
ON THE LAKE."
YES!
(gasps)
YOU WILL REIGN FOR 12 HOURS
AS THE "S.S. BABYBACK"
SAILS TO THE FAR-OFF SHORES
OF AN EXOTIC LAND
KNOWN ONLY AS... MICHIGAN.
(gasps)
IF IT PLEASES
YOUR HIGHNESS...
OH, IT PLEASES
MY HIGHNESS GREATLY!
GOOD. WE SET SAIL TOMORROW
AT 10:00 A.M.
IT MAY ALSO PLEASE
YOUR HIGHNESS TO, UH...
(normal voice)
BRING A LIGHT JACKET
AND CASH
FOR PREMIUM WELL DRINKS.
YEAH, TELL STEVIE B
THAT I WANNA DO THAT...
(British accent) TELL HIM
THAT I ACCEPT THINE OFFER.
(British accent)
BY YOUR LEAVE, SIRE.
OKAY. LEAVE.
LEAVE. (normal
voice) I'M LEAVING.
(normal voice)
LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!
HA HA HA!
YES! YES! YES!
OH, KING FOR A DAY!
YES, YES.
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT YOU DESERVE.
(British accent)
I DESERVE IT. I DESERVE IT.
THIS IS YOUR REWARD.
MY REWARD.
FOR THE WAY YOU'VE TREATED
CHERYL FOR THE LAST NINE MONTHS.
(normal voice)
CHERYL... CURSES!
WHAT?
I CAN'T GO TO SEA
FOR 12 HOURS
WHEN THE BIG WHITE WHALE
IS ABOUT TO BLOW!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
UGH!
WHY NOT?
YOU ARE THE KING.
YEAH, BUT BE SERIOUS.
I AM SERIOUS.
CHERYL'S BACK ON BED REST,
JIM.
THESE BABIES
MAY NOT COME FOR DAYS.
AND YOU...
YOU DESERVE THIS.
THAT'S TRUE.
AND IF I MISS THE DELIVERY,
WE CAN ALWAYS START
A NEW LIFE IN MICHIGAN.
UNLESS THOSE BABIES COME OUT
BEFORE WE SET SAIL,
I SEE NO REASON
WHY YOU CAN'T GO.
NO REASON.
NO REASON AT ALL.
(chuckles evilly)
(whispers)
LONG LIVE THE KING.
LONG LIVE THE KING!
LONG LIVE THE KING!
YOU KNOW, CHERYL,
I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU.
PUNISHING A GUY WHO'S BEEN
A BONEHEAD IS ONE THING,
BUT PUNISHING A GUY
WHO'S BEEN AN ABSOLUTE PRINCE
FOR THE LAST NINE MONTHS,
BRA-VO.
DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.
YOU MAKE ME SOUND LIKE
A HORRIBLE PERSON.
YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON.
YOU'RE MY ROLE MODEL. OH.
I'M THINKING ABOUT
FAKING A PREGNANCY
JUST TO GET MY HUSBAND
TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT AM I DOING?
HE'S BEEN SO GOOD FOR NINE MONTHS.
AND SO ROTTEN FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS.
THIS IS NUTS.
DANA, HELP ME UP.
I GOTTA GET THESE BABIES
OUT OF ME.
NO, NO, CHERYL,
GET BACK IN BED.
NO, PUNISH HIM. JUST...
GRIND HIM INTO THE DIRT! DANA.
CHERYL, IF YOU GO DOWN THERE,
THEN HE WINS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
WE'RE GONNA SEE A VICTORY DANCE.
OH, DON'T WORRY.
HE DOESN'T DO THAT ANYMORE.
OH!
WHOO!
JIM, I HAVE BEEN
TO "RIVERDANCE" FIVE TIMES.
THEY HAVE NOTHING
ON WHAT YOU JUST DID.
OH, I FELT IT, TOO, ANDY.
EVER SINCE THEY MADE ME
THE KING, I'VE CHANGED INSIDE.
I SEE THE GOOD
IN THE WORLD,
NOT JUST PREGNANCY
AND BABIES. OH. (laughs)
I'M THE KING! YOU
ARE THE KING. (laughs)
JIM?
YES.
HONEY, I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO
TELL YOU. OH, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE SEX. I LIKE
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. GO, GET OUT.
GO.
JIM! CHERYL!
YOU'RE MAKING
A BIG MISTAKE.
YEAH, WE'LL MAKE
A FEW MISTAKES
'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T DONE IT
FOR A WHILE. GO.
UH, JIM, UH, I'M PRETTY SURE
THERE'S A FETISH SITE ON
THE INTERNET... GET OUT!
OKAY. OKAY,
WHERE DO YOU WANNA DO IT?
OH, WE'RE GONNA NEED
SOME ROOM. (table scrapes floor)
SHOULD I GET SOME NEWSPAPERS
FOR THE RUG?
HONEY, DON'T YOU WANNA KNOW
WHY I WANNA DO IT?
NO, I JUST WANNA DO IT.
I WANNA DO IT AND FALL ASLEEP
WHILE YOU'RE TELLING ME WHY WE
SHOULD DO IT. OKAY, BUT LISTEN TO ME,
BECAUSE MAKING LOVE IS
A GREAT WAY TO INDUCE LABOR.
(exhales deeply)
CHERYL, "MAKING LOVE"
IS A VERY FANCY TERM
FOR WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS WORKS,
WE COULD HAVE THESE BABIES
TONIGHT.
EXCUSE ME. WHAT?
WE COULD HAVE
THESE BABIES TONIGHT.
LOOK, HONEY, I KNOW YOU'RE
TIRED OF TAKING CARE OF ME,
SO THE SOONER WE HAVE SEX,
THE SOONER I GO INTO LABOR.
TONIGHT, HUH?
(sighs) OH, CHERYL...
JUST NOT IN THE MOOD.
NOT IN THE MOOD?
YOU GOT KICKED IN THE JUNK
BY A HORSE,
AND YOU WERE
STILL IN THE MOOD.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU, CHERYL?
I'M NOT JUST LIKE A LIGHTBULB
YOU CAN TURN ON AND OFF. BOOBS.
(breathy voice)
NOT WORKING.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IS IT... 'CAUSE YOU'RE
NOT ATTRACTED TO ME
WHEN I LOOK LIKE THIS?
IF I SAY YES,
WILL YOU GO AWAY?
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
NOT IN THE MOOD? (grunts)
HEY, WE COULD PLAY
"PREGNANT STRIPPER
NEEDS TIPS TO PAY THE RENT."
CHERYL, I DON'T LIKE
THAT GAME.
I FIND IT VERY DEMEANING
TO PREGNANT WOMEN,
STRIPPERS AND RENTERS.
YOU KNOW,
I'M STARTING TO THINK
YOU DON'T WANT THESE TWINS
TO COME. I DON'T, NOT YET.
I MEAN, I WAS THINKING
ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING
THE OTHER NIGHT
ABOUT PRESERVING THE FAMILY,
AND I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU.
YOU WON ME OVER.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M WRONG. ALL
RIGHT, YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX,
AND YOU JUST ADMITTED
TO BEING WRONG.
EITHER YOU'RE HAVING
AN AFFAIR,
OR YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING INSANE
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO KNOW ABOUT.
(sighs) HER NAME IS SUE.
REALLY?
WHERE'D YOU MEET HER?
AT THE GYM.
SHE'S A, UH, YOU KNOW,
A SPINNING INSTRUCTOR.
WHAT'S SPINNING?
HULA HOOPS?
ALL RIGHT, JIM, COME ON.
SPILL IT. WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING'S GOING ON
EXCEPT FOR MY UNDYING LOVE
FOR YOU AND OUR CHILDREN
IN OUR CURRENT FAMILY
STRUCTURE. OH, I SEE.
THEN I GUESS YOU PROBABLY DON'T
WANT ME TO SHAKE THE TWINS OUT
BY DOING THIS. OH, WOW. OH, DEAR. OH, MY GOD, HONEY.
OH, CHERYL! OH, CHERYL, YOU'RE TESTING MY UNDYING LOVE!
OH, HONEY, THEY'RE COMING!
I THINK A HAND JUST POPPED OUT!
OH, CHERYL, STOP IT!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP
IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! WHAT?
STOP IT. ALL RIGHT.
THEY MADE ME KING FOR A DAY
ON THE STEVIE B's
BLUES AND BOOZE CRUISE
ON THE LAKE TOMORROW
FOR 12 HOURS.
(clears throat) OKAY.
I AM ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH.
YES.
AND YOU WANNA GO ON A BOAT
ON A LAKE
FOR 12 HOURS EATING RIBS?
YES, CHERYL, I DO.
I THINK I DESERVE IT.
I MEAN,
FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS,
I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND
THE CHILDREN AND THE... YOU SHOULD GO.
I TAKE 'EM TO SCHOOL.
I-I-I DO THE LAUNDRY. YEAH.
I DO ALL THE COOKING FOR 'EM.
I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT.
I-I DO THE FLOOR.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, THE VACUUM CLEANER
NEEDS TO BE FIXED. GO ON THE CRUISE.
I THINK I'VE REALLY DESERVED
AND EARNED THIS MO... WHAT'S THAT?
YOU SHOULD GO
ON THE CRUISE.
OKAY, BLONDIE,
WHAT'S THE GAME?
LOOK, HONEY, I ADMIT THE CRUISE
SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT SELFISH,
BUT I'VE BEEN
PRETTY SELFISH MYSELF.
NO, YOU WERE JUST TRYING
TO PRESERVE OUR FAMILY
IN ITS CURRENT STRUCTURE.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
THE CURRENT STRUCTURE
I WAS TRYING TO PRESERVE
WAS YOU DOING EVERYTHING
WHILE I SAT AROUND ON MY ASS.
BUT YOU HAD LEGITIMATE, DEEP,
EMOTIONAL FEELINGS, CHERYL.
(imitates sobbing)
LEGITIMATE, DEEP, EMOTIONAL...
(normal voice)
YEAH, FAKED.
(sighs)
YOU PULLED OFF
A DOUBLE FAKE.
BRAVO, CHERYL.
WAIT A MINUTE. IS DANA RIGHT?
ARE YOU A DUDE?
OH, JIM.
(scoffs) NO.
I THINK I JUST WENT
A LITTLE CRAZY, YOU KNOW,
THINKING ABOUT WHAT IT'S GONNA
BE LIKE WITH FIVE KIDS.
(both sigh)
ME, TOO.
REALLY?
YEAH. FIVE KIDS ARE A LOT,
CHERYL. IT'S A LOT.
WHEW.
HOW THE HELL
ARE WE GONNA HANDLE IT?
(scoffs) PROBABLY NOT BY
LYING AND TRICKING EACH OTHER.
(sighs)
HATE TO GIVE THAT ONE UP.
(laughs)
OH, HONEY.
(exhales deeply)
OH, I GUESS
I'M NOT GONNA GET
MY ICE CREAM
AND GOSSIP MAGAZINES.
YEAH, I'M NOT
GONNA GET MY RIBS
OR BE ABLE TO PEE
OFF THE SIDE OF THE BOAT.
I'M SORRY.
AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DO YOU THINK
THAT YOU COULD HANDLE
HOLDING OFF YOUR RAGING DESIRE
FOR ME FOR A FEW HOURS?
I THINK I CAN MANAGE.
(trumpets play fanfare)
ALL THIS
WITH JUST ONE PHONE CALL?
WELL, I MAY NOT BE
ON THE BLUES CRUISE,
BUT I'M STILL THE KING!
(imitates
trumpet playing fanfare)
HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
IN HONOR
OF THE KING AND QUEEN,
I PRESENT
FOR THY ROYAL PLEASURE
STEVIE B's SMOKED MEATS
AND HUSH PUPPIES.
(British accent)
AS YOUR KING,
I DECLARE THIS... FORSOOTH!
(normal voice)
"FORSOOTH" IS GOOD, RIGHT?
AS YOU WISH, MY KING.
MMM.
WH... MY KING?
YES.
YOU HAVE SOME SAUCE
ON YOUR CHIN. (grunts)
WENCH? WHERE'S MY WENCH?!
YES, MILADY?
MILORD NEEDS HIS CHIN WIPED.
UGH.
OH, I'M NOT DOING THAT.
HE'S JUST GONNA LOOK
DOWN MY DRESS AGAIN.
FORSOOTH.
YOU DO IT.
AND CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE
THE STUPID BABIES.
(British accent)
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME
IN THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBERS,
MY WENCH?
I THOUGHT I WAS THE QUEEN.
(normal voice)
OH, BELIEVE ME,
YOU'LL BE WEARING A FEW HATS
BEFORE THE NIGHT'S OVER.
EXCEPT... MY WATER JUST
BROKE. YOUR WATER JUST BROKE?
OH, WE'RE NEVER GONNA GET
THAT GUCK OFF THE THRONE!
WIPING WENCH!
(door opens and shuts)
HONEY, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO TAKE ME
TO THE HOSPITAL. FINE,
FINE, FINE, PACK A SMALL BAG.
I-I'M ALREADY PACKED.
NO, NO, OF THE ROYAL FEAST.
I'M NOT CARRYING IT.
I'M THE KING!