According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 14 - The Chaperone - full transcript
Andy may have hit the jackpot with the new lady in his life, but Jim may have screwed it up while agreeing to chaperon the lady's two daughters who accompany his own to a teen aged girls' concert and loses them all.
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(tapping)
WELL, TOP OF THE MORNIN'
TO YOU, SIR.
WHAT THE HELL?
WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT?
WHAT, CAN'T A MAN CLASS UP
HIS BREAKFAST A LITTLE BIT?
A MAN CAN, BUT NOT YOU.
THE TRUTH IS,
I'VE, UH... (sighs)
GOTTEN A LITTLE BEHIND
ON THE LAUNDRY AND DRY CLEANING.
THIS MONKEY SUIT'S
THE ONLY CLEAN CLOTHES
I COULD FIND IN THE HOUSE.
(laughs)
DAD, I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GONNA
LET ME WEAR THIS TO SCHOOL.
WELL, TELL 'EM
IT'S A RELIGIOUS THING.
I'LL WRITE YOU A NOTE.
UH, BETTER MAKE IT
TWO NOTES.
ALL I DID
WAS WALK DOWN THE STAIRS,
AND I'M SWEATING.
ALL RIGHT, HERE.
TRY THIS.
YEAH.
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'LL COOL YOU DOWN.
AHH. THANKS, DAD.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU SEE THAT?
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
HMM.
MORNING.
THE SAD THING IS,
I DID HIS LAUNDRY.
FRANKLY, DAD,
I DON'T GIVE A DARN.
♪♪♪
ALL RIGHT,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, SWEETIE.
SO? SO? SO WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF HER, HUH?
SHE'S CUTE, RIGHT?
YEAH, SHE'S CUTE.
OH, DAMN IT,
SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME.
OH, COME ON. ALL WOMEN
ARE TOO GOOD FOR YOU.
ANDY, JUST RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S A NICE GIRL.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A VERY
NICE COUPLE. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
ANOTHER HOUR OR SO,
AND I CAN GET HER OUT THE DOOR
WITHOUT YOU DOING ANY DAMAGE.
WHAT? DAMAGE?
COME ON, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I TUCKED IN MY SHIRT,
ZIPPED UP MY FLY.
AND THIS IS THE FIRST BEER
I'VE HAD ALL DAY...
SINCE LUNCH.
DON'T JUDGE ME.
OH, MAN.
I JUST WISH CHERYL
WEREN'T UPSTAIRS ON BED REST
SO SHE COULD BE DOWN HERE
TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SHE TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING.
SHE KNOWS I'M NOT SO GOOD
WITH THE NICETIES,
SO SHE MADE ME A
CONVERSATIONAL CHEAT SHEET. OH.
CHECK IT OUT, HUH?
"DON'T TELL THEM
YOU HAVE A CHEAT SHEET."
SO, EMILY...
I WOULD LIKE
TO TAKE THIS MOMENT
TO COMPLIMENT
SOMETHING YOU'RE WEARING.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE, HOSE?
THEY'RE TIGHTS. (laughs)
AND THEY'RE FANTASTIC!
HE'S NOT NORMALLY LIKE THIS.
(chuckles)
WELL, HE IS, BUT IT'S EASIER WHEN
CHERYL'S AROUND. (mouths words)
(mouths words)
SO, EMILY, UM,
WHERE DO YOU STAND
ON RELIGION AND POLITICS
ARE TOTALLY OFF-LIMITS?
JIM, ARE YOU READING QUESTIONS
OFF OF A CHEAT SHEET?
NO.
IT'S OKAY.
WE CAN JUST TALK.
(yawns)
(laughs nervously)
JIM, WOULD YOU...
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
(laughs)
SPIT... SPIT THAT OUT, HUH?
(clenches teeth)
SPIT IT OUT!
CHERYL THOUGHT THAT...
HAVING THAT WOULD HELP
DURING AWKWARD MOMENTS.
THAT'S IT. I'M GOING UPSTAIRS
AND I'M CARRYING HER BACK DOWN.
NO, ANDY, NO.
IT'S... IT'S FINE.
JIM, I REALLY APPRECIATE
THE EFFORT,
AND WHEN I MEET CHERYL,
I'LL TELL HER
THAT THIS WENT MUCH BETTER
THAN IT ACTUALLY DID.
OH, THAT IS GREAT.
THAT IS SO GREAT.
NOW I CAN JUST RELAX
AND BE MYSELF.
HERE,
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
NOW... NOW YOU'RE A... YOU'RE
A SINGLE MOTHER, RIGHT? YEAH.
IS IT AS AWFUL AS THEY SAY?
I THINK I CAN DRY THIS OFF
PRETTY EASY.
YEAH, GIVE IT TO ME. I WANT
THAT. I WANT IT. I'D BE HAPPY TO...
HEY, MOM, MOM, GUESS WHAT? RUBY AND
GRACIE LISTEN TO THE GLITTER POPS, TOO.
THEY WANT TO GO TO THE CONCERT
TOMORROW. THAT WOULD BE SO TIGHT.
OH, I'M SO SORRY, GIRLS.
I CAN'T TAKE YOU TOMORROW.
ANDY AND I ARE GOING
TO AN AWARDS BANQUET.
YEAH, EMILY'S BEING HONORED
BY THE COUNTY ORTHODONTISTS
ASSOCIATION.
IT'S THE OSCARS OF TEETH.
(chuckles)
(clenches teeth)
ISN'T THAT GREAT, JIM?
YES!
CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR HONOR/AWARD.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S
VERY KIND/THOUGHTFUL.
(laughs) HEY, LISTEN,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T I TAKE THE GIRLS?
I MEAN, I'M GOING ANYWAY.
WHAT'S TWO MORE HYSTERICAL GIRLS
IN THE MINIVAN?
WOW, YOU WOULD REALLY DO THAT? SURE,
AND THAT'S ME TALKING, NOT THE CHEAT SHEET.
YOU... I-I DON'T THINK EMILY
REALLY WANTS YOU TO DO S...
THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
YEAH. YEAH. GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL SEE
IF I CAN GET TICKETS. OKAY.
MOM, CAN WE GO LISTEN
TO THE CD? OH, SURE.
YES!
YEAH, WOW.
YEAH.
WOW.
WOW.
GREAT.
(chuckles nervously)
HA HA HA HA HA.
(sighs)
WELL...
SO ARE WE DONE HERE?
JIM, WE HAVEN'T HAD
DINNER YET.
YEAH.
"MAKE DINNER."
OH, I THINK THIS PART
IS FOR YOU.
OH.
SO ALL THE POTS AND PANS
ARE IN THERE.
OH, HEY, KYLE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO ASK
IF YOU WANTED TO GO TO THAT
GLITTER POPS CONCERT TONIGHT.
RIDE IN A CAR
FULL OF SCREAMING GIRLS
TO SEE A CONCERT FULL OF
SCREAMING GIRLS? PASS. YEAH.
OH, HEY, JIM, I, UH...
KYLE, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW?
THERE'S A CUPCAKE TREE
OUT IN THE BACKYARD.
I'M NOT A MORON.
CUPCAKES GROW ON BUSHES.
BUT... JUST TO BE SAFE...
WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT...
WHAT'S UP?
IT'S ABOUT THE CONCERT.
I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
EMILY'S GIRLS GOING TONIGHT.
WHY? IF THERE'S A PROBLEM,
I'LL BE THERE LOOKING AFTER 'EM.
YEAH.
THAT'S PART OF THE PROBLEM.
WHAT PART?
THE PART THAT'S YOU.
WHAT?!
GREAT TALK. SEE YOU
AT WORK. WHA... ANDY.
NOT RIPE YET,
BUT STILL PRETTY GOOD.
MAYBE I'LL GO AND PLANT
SOME CUPCAKE SEEDS OUTSIDE.
I JUST THINK IT'S A BAD IDEA
FOR YOU TO TAKE EMILY'S GIRLS
TO THE CONCERT. BAD IDEA?
COME ON. I'M A GOOD PARENT.
I TOOK CARE OF MY TWO KIDS
WHILE CHERYL'S BEEN ON BED REST
THIS WHOLE TIME. YOU HAVE THREE KIDS.
THAT'S EVEN HARDER.
JIM, THERE'LL BE
A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE.
IT'S A PUBLIC PLACE.
WE BOTH KNOW HOW YOU ARE.
HOW I AM?
HOW I AM?
HOW I AM?
NO, ANDY,
I DON'T KNOW HOW I AM.
HOW AM I?!
YOU TOOK YOUR KIDS
TO A BEARS GAME
AND PUNCHED A PACKERS FAN.
IF PUNCHING A PACKERS FAN
IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE,
HAVE ME ARRESTED.
YOU WERE ARRESTED!
COME ON.
THAT WAS STADIUM JAIL.
I MISSED THE FOURTH QUARTER.
I PAID MY DEBT TO SOCIETY.
YOU LOST THEM FOR SIX HOURS
AT THE DOG TRACK.
AND RUBY HIT THE TRIFECTA.
AND WE'RE STILL IN TOUCH
WITH THAT FAMILY
THAT FOUND HER AND BOUGHT HER
LUNCH. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
RIGHT THERE, MAN.
WHERE? I CAN'T HAVE
EMILY'S KIDS COME HOME
TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY GOT
IN A HIGH-SPEED CHASE
ON THE EXPRESSWAY
BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT
YOU SAW COACH DITKA!
THAT IS NOT MY FAULT!
THAT WOMAN HAD
A VERY THICK MOUSTACHE!
HAVE I PROVED MY POINT?
COME ON, MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ANDY?
YOU HAVE PROVED YOUR POINT.
YOU BEING MY BEST FRIEND,
I-I'M GONNA DO THE RIGHT THING.
(sighs) OH, THANK YOU.
(laughs)
RUBY!
HEY, I APPRECIATE THIS.
AW!
(laughs)
WHAT'S UP?
LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO GET
REBECCA AND LAUREN ON THE PHONE.
TELL 'EM
WE'RE GOING TO THE CONCERT,
AND WE'RE PICKING
THEM UP AT 7:00. SWEET!
GET OFF OF ME! WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN'?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M DOIN'.
I'M SAVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF YOUR WOMAN,
IT'S NEVER GONNA LAST.
OH, GOD!
(sobbing)
OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD!
YOU KNOW WHAT? I TAKE CARE
OF OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS
BETTER THAN I TAKE CARE
OF MY OWN.
I CAN'T SUE ME.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
ANDY, RELAX.
IT'S THREE LITTLE GIRLS.
WHAT CAN HAPPEN? FOUR!
FOUR, FOUR, FOUR, FOUR.
(Jim) OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY,
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY,
ARE WE ALL STILL HERE? RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, COUNT OFF. COUNT OFF.
DAD, WE'RE ALL HERE,
AND WE'RE LATE BECAUSE
YOU WOULDN'T PAY FOR PARKING.
WELL, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
10 BUCKS FOR 3 HOURS?
WHEN THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD
VACANT LOT 12 BLOCKS AWAY?
THERE WERE RATS THERE.
THERE WERE SQUIRRELS THERE.
OKAY, NOW LET'S GO OVER
JIM'S MASTER PLAN
ONE MORE TIME. GO.
WE'RE WEARING ORANGE T-SHIRTS
SO YOU CAN PICK US OUT
OF THE CROWD. GOOD. GO.
WE EACH HAVE GLOW STICKS SO YOU
CAN SEE US IN THE DARK. GOOD. GO.
IF WE NEED YOU, WE WAVE
THEM IN THE AIR. GOOD. GO.
THERE ISN'T ANY MORE.
VERY GOOD.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
COME BACK HERE.
COME BACK HERE.
ONE MORE THING.
ALL RIGHT, YOU SEE
THAT CONCESSION STAND OVER THERE
WHERE THE IRRESPONSIBLE FATHERS
ARE DRINKING BEER?
WELL, IF WE SHOULD GET
SEPARATED, WE SHOULD MEET...
MEET...
HEY!
(crowd speaking indistinctly)
(exhales deeply) MY GOD,
I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MUCH ORANGE
SINCE I DID
MY COMMUNITY SERVICE.
(whispers) CRAP.
(normal voice) GIRLS!
GIRLS, HOLD UP YOUR GLOW STICKS
SO I CAN SEE YOU!
I CAN SEE YOU!
(crowd screaming)
AND NOW I CAN'T SEE YOU.
(pop music playing)
♪ WE CAN DANCE ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT ME FEELING SO RIGHT ♪
♪ WE CAN DANCE ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ TONIGHT ♪
♪ I SAY WE DANCE ALL NIGHT
TONIGHT ♪
ANDY, ARE YOU OKAY?
I TOLD YOU
THAT WAS TOO MUCH HAM.
OH. NO, NO, I'M... I'M FINE.
I'M JUST NERVOUS.
WHAT IF YOU DON'T WIN?
WHAT IF YOUR SPEECH IS BAD?
WHAT IF THE KIDS AREN'T
SAFE WITH JIM? WHAT?
I MEAN... (laughs)
THEY'RE TOTALLY SAFE. YEAH.
RELAX. WORRY ABOUT
YOUR CRAPPY SPEECH.
OH, DON'T TRY TO BE FUNNY.
IT'S NOT YOUR THING.
UM,
CAN I GET SOME MORE HAM?
(man, voice amplified) AND NOW
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE
TONIGHT'S GUEST OF HONOR...
DR. EMILY COLGAN.
(wheezes) YEAH!
RIGHT? THAT'S MY GIRL!
(laughs)
BEST ORTHODONTIST IN TOWN,
MAN!
(laughs)
HER KIDS ARE TOTALLY FINE!
(Emily, voice amplified)
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS
SO MUCH.
(cell phone rings)
(ring)
HI, ANDY.
THE GIRLS ARE FINE.
THEY'RE STANDING RIGHT NEXT
TO ME. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
YOU ARE A LIAR,
A THUG AND A DRUNK.
WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING HAPPENED.
I-I WANT TO HEAR IT
FROM REBECCA OR LAUREN.
PUT 'EM ON THE PHONE. (imitates
static) I'M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL.
YOU'RE AT A CONCERT!
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED...
(gasps) DID YOU LOSE THEM?
I DID NOT LOSE THEM.
I JUST DON'T REMEMBER
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.
I MEAN, IT'S NOTHING
BUT A SEA OF HAIR AND BRACES.
(high-pitched voice)
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
Relax. Don't worry.
They're here.
I know they're here.
I MEAN,
I GUESS THEY COULD BE GONE.
OH, MY GOD!
OKAY.
DON'T... DON'T DO ANYTHING.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
(Emily) ...OVER THE YEARS...
(continues indistinctly)
WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?
THE SHOW'S ONSTAGE.
OH, HEY, HEY, HEY, BY THE WAY,
BY THE WAY, MY FRIEND,
UM, IF SHE ASKS WHERE I WENT,
UM, WILL YOU JUST TELL HER
THAT I HAD AN EMERGENCY
THAT HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH HER KIDS?
♪ I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE ♪
♪ I COULD BE WRONG,
AND I'VE SAID IT BEFORE ♪
REBECCA!
JIM!
♪ HE LOOKS MY WAY ♪
♪ AND I FORGET THE WORDS... ♪
ARE YOU... YOU'RE NOT LAUREN?
OH... YOU ARE THE
WORST FRIEND EVER!
WILL YOU RELAX?
THEY'RE OUT HERE SOMEWHERE.
"OUT HERE SOMEWHERE"
ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH, JIM!
I KNEW
YOU WOULD SCREW THIS UP!
LOOK, YOU WANNA SAY,
"I TOLD YOU SO,"
OR DO YOU WANT TO SAY
TO EMILY,
"I FOUND YOUR KIDS. THEY'RE SAFE AND SOUND"? I WANNA
DO BOTH, AND I WANT SOME POST-AWARD CEREMONY LOVIN'.
♪ HAD TO TELL SOMEONE ♪
♪ I COULD BE WRONG ♪
HEY,
THIS BAND'S PRETTY GOOD.
OH! COME ON, COME ON.
(Jim) LOOK FOR 'EM.
(Andy) UH-HUH.
THIS ONE HERE. HERE.
NO.
THIS ONE HERE?
NO.
OH, THIS... THIS IS
NEVER GONNA WORK, JIM.
WE GOTTA BE SOMEPLACE
WHERE WE CAN SEE EVERYBODY.
♪ WE FINALLY TAKE OUR CHANCE ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOO YOUNG ♪
COME ON.
WHERE... WHERE ARE WE GOING?
COME ON.
(crowd screaming)
HOW ARE WE DOING TONIGHT,
CHICAGO?
(screaming continues)
THAT'S GREAT.
THIS NEXT SONG WE'RE GONNA PLAY
IS OUR LAST SONG,
BUT IT'S OUR FAVORITE SONG
TO PLAY LIVE,
CALLED
"WHY WON'T HE TALK TO ME?"
ONE, TWO,
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
(blues harmonica playing)
UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME SPECIAL GUESTS...
BIG DADDY JIM
AND THE ANDYMAN!
HEY, CHICAGO,
HOW YOU DOIN'?!
♪♪♪
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS LAUREN,
RAISE YOUR HAND ♪
YOU HEARD HIM.
RAISE YOUR HAND!
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS LAUREN,
RAISE YOUR HAND ♪
(both) ♪ IF YOUR NAME IS LAUREN,
RAISE YOUR HAND ♪
♪ NOW IF YOU RAISED
YOUR HAND ♪
♪ COME UP HERE AND JOIN
THE BAND ♪ (harmonica plays)
(girls) ♪ RAISE YOUR HAND,
COME UP HERE AND JOIN THE BAND ♪
(Jim) ♪ IF YOUR NAME IS
LAUREN... ♪
COME UP HERE AND JOIN THE BAND, LAUREN. OOH, GOT HER, GOT HER.
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS LAUREN, COME UP HERE AND JOIN THE BAND ♪
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS REBECCA,
COME UP HERE ♪
(girls) ♪ IF YOUR NAME IS REBECCA,
COME UP HERE ♪ (plays harmonica)
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS REBECCA,
COME UP HERE ♪
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS REBECCA,
COME UP HERE ♪
♪ IF YOU COME UP HERE,
I'M IN THE CLEAR ♪
♪ SO IF
YOUR NAME'S REBECCA ♪
♪ COME UP HERE ♪
♪ COME UP HERE ♪
(plays harmonica)
DAD, YOU'RE SO COOL!
YOU'RE SO AWESOME!
(plays harmonica)
♪ AND SCREAM AND DANCE
AND JUMP AROUND ♪
♪ I WON'T GET SUED
NOW THAT THEY'RE FOUND ♪
♪ HE WON'T GET SUED, HE WON'T
GET SUED ♪ ♪ COME ON, REBECCA ♪
(harmonica playing)
OKAY, WE GOT 'EM,
WE GOT 'EM. LET'S GO.
WE GOT 'EM! I GOT 'EM!
I GOT 'EM! THEY LOVE ME.
THEY LOVE ME!
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, JIM!
WHAT IF THERE'S A SCOUT OUT
THERE? EMILY'S WAITING FOR ME.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
(resumes playing)
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU, CHICAGO.
(continues playing)
I LOVE YOU, CHICAGO!
(cheers and applause)
LET'S HEAR IT
ONE MORE TIME
FOR BIG DADDY JAKE
AND THE FAT MAN!
(cheering)
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I GET IT, I GET IT.
I'M THE COOLEST FATHER EVER.
PLEASE STOP IT.
IT'S JUST EMBARRASSING ME.
THAT MEANS HE WANTS US TO
TELL HIM MORE. THANK YOU, HONEY.
THAT WAS AWESOME. I CAN'T
BELIEVE WE MET THE BAND.
HEY, AND NOT ONLY THAT,
WE GOT BANNED FROM THE ARENA.
HOW MANY LITTLE GIRLS
CAN BRAG ABOUT THAT?
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
YOU'RE THE WORST!
DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD DITCH ME ON
THE WAY HOME? I WASN'T TRYING TO DITCH YOU.
WE WERE CHASING
COACH DITKA.
GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU GO
IN THE KITCHEN
AND GET SOME ICE CREAM?
THANKS AGAIN, DAD.
OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU WERE REALLY FUN,
AND YOU'RE GOOD DANCERS.
(chuckles) YEAH, I-I JUST CAME BACK BY
TO MAKE SURE YOU DIDN'T LOSE 'EM
AGAIN ON THE WAY HOME.
NOW I GOTTA GET BACK TO EMILY'S DINNER.
WELL, WAIT, ISN'T THAT DINNER OVER BY NOW?
OF COURSE IT'S OVER!
HELP ME COME UP WITH A GOOD LIE.
ANDY, HONESTLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HER
THE TRUTH? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
SHE'LL THINK I'M AN IDIOT
FOR BEING FRIENDS WITH YOU.
YOU ARE AN IDIOT
FOR BEING FRIENDS WITH ME.
ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU,
AN IDIOT?
I WAS JUST IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY SPEECH,
AND YOU JUST WALKED OUT.
UH... WELL, UM...
THE NIGHT MY FATHER DIED,
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO RECEIVE
AN AWARD, AND SO I... ANDY!
(gasps) YOU STAY OUT OF THIS. COME
ON. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
OH, BY THE WAY, EMILY,
I LOST YOUR KIDS BRIEFLY
AT THE CONCERT.
THEN ANDY FREAKED OUT, AND THEN WE
FOUND THEM. OH, THAT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE.
THOSE CONCERTS ARE JUST
A SEA OF HAIR AND BRACES.
HMM.
GO AHEAD, ANDY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE NOT MAD?
WHY WOULD I BE MAD?
WELL... YOU SEE, ANDY, EMILY
ACCEPTS YOU WARTS AND ALL,
AND I'M WART NUMBER ONE,
BUT SHE CAN GET USED
TO THAT
AND EVENTUALLY,
MAYBE EVEN ENJOY IT.
THANKS, JIM.
I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.
RIGHT. THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO... WITH ME.
NO, THIS IS
ABOUT ANDY AND I,
AND THERE'S SOMETHING I REALLY
NEED TO SAY TO YOU, ANDY.
(sighs) I AGREE WITH
EVERYTHING JIM JUST SAID.
HMM.
REALLY?
YEAH.
BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE SAID
FOR ME IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK.
SO SHOULD WE HUG OR KISS
OR SOMETHIN'?
WELL, JIM,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, I THINK IT MIGHT MAKE ANDY
A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE,
BUT, OKAY,
I'M READY FOR IT.
AH...
JIM, I THINK I GOT THIS ONE.
(sighs)
OH!
ANDY?
JIM...
OH. (laughing)
WHOO. (laughs)
SO WE'RE DONE HERE?
WELL, WE HAVEN'T HAD
DINNER YET.
---
(tapping)
WELL, TOP OF THE MORNIN'
TO YOU, SIR.
WHAT THE HELL?
WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT?
WHAT, CAN'T A MAN CLASS UP
HIS BREAKFAST A LITTLE BIT?
A MAN CAN, BUT NOT YOU.
THE TRUTH IS,
I'VE, UH... (sighs)
GOTTEN A LITTLE BEHIND
ON THE LAUNDRY AND DRY CLEANING.
THIS MONKEY SUIT'S
THE ONLY CLEAN CLOTHES
I COULD FIND IN THE HOUSE.
(laughs)
DAD, I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GONNA
LET ME WEAR THIS TO SCHOOL.
WELL, TELL 'EM
IT'S A RELIGIOUS THING.
I'LL WRITE YOU A NOTE.
UH, BETTER MAKE IT
TWO NOTES.
ALL I DID
WAS WALK DOWN THE STAIRS,
AND I'M SWEATING.
ALL RIGHT, HERE.
TRY THIS.
YEAH.
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'LL COOL YOU DOWN.
AHH. THANKS, DAD.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU SEE THAT?
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
HMM.
MORNING.
THE SAD THING IS,
I DID HIS LAUNDRY.
FRANKLY, DAD,
I DON'T GIVE A DARN.
♪♪♪
ALL RIGHT,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, SWEETIE.
SO? SO? SO WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF HER, HUH?
SHE'S CUTE, RIGHT?
YEAH, SHE'S CUTE.
OH, DAMN IT,
SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME.
OH, COME ON. ALL WOMEN
ARE TOO GOOD FOR YOU.
ANDY, JUST RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S A NICE GIRL.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A VERY
NICE COUPLE. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
ANOTHER HOUR OR SO,
AND I CAN GET HER OUT THE DOOR
WITHOUT YOU DOING ANY DAMAGE.
WHAT? DAMAGE?
COME ON, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I TUCKED IN MY SHIRT,
ZIPPED UP MY FLY.
AND THIS IS THE FIRST BEER
I'VE HAD ALL DAY...
SINCE LUNCH.
DON'T JUDGE ME.
OH, MAN.
I JUST WISH CHERYL
WEREN'T UPSTAIRS ON BED REST
SO SHE COULD BE DOWN HERE
TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SHE TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING.
SHE KNOWS I'M NOT SO GOOD
WITH THE NICETIES,
SO SHE MADE ME A
CONVERSATIONAL CHEAT SHEET. OH.
CHECK IT OUT, HUH?
"DON'T TELL THEM
YOU HAVE A CHEAT SHEET."
SO, EMILY...
I WOULD LIKE
TO TAKE THIS MOMENT
TO COMPLIMENT
SOMETHING YOU'RE WEARING.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE, HOSE?
THEY'RE TIGHTS. (laughs)
AND THEY'RE FANTASTIC!
HE'S NOT NORMALLY LIKE THIS.
(chuckles)
WELL, HE IS, BUT IT'S EASIER WHEN
CHERYL'S AROUND. (mouths words)
(mouths words)
SO, EMILY, UM,
WHERE DO YOU STAND
ON RELIGION AND POLITICS
ARE TOTALLY OFF-LIMITS?
JIM, ARE YOU READING QUESTIONS
OFF OF A CHEAT SHEET?
NO.
IT'S OKAY.
WE CAN JUST TALK.
(yawns)
(laughs nervously)
JIM, WOULD YOU...
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
(laughs)
SPIT... SPIT THAT OUT, HUH?
(clenches teeth)
SPIT IT OUT!
CHERYL THOUGHT THAT...
HAVING THAT WOULD HELP
DURING AWKWARD MOMENTS.
THAT'S IT. I'M GOING UPSTAIRS
AND I'M CARRYING HER BACK DOWN.
NO, ANDY, NO.
IT'S... IT'S FINE.
JIM, I REALLY APPRECIATE
THE EFFORT,
AND WHEN I MEET CHERYL,
I'LL TELL HER
THAT THIS WENT MUCH BETTER
THAN IT ACTUALLY DID.
OH, THAT IS GREAT.
THAT IS SO GREAT.
NOW I CAN JUST RELAX
AND BE MYSELF.
HERE,
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
NOW... NOW YOU'RE A... YOU'RE
A SINGLE MOTHER, RIGHT? YEAH.
IS IT AS AWFUL AS THEY SAY?
I THINK I CAN DRY THIS OFF
PRETTY EASY.
YEAH, GIVE IT TO ME. I WANT
THAT. I WANT IT. I'D BE HAPPY TO...
HEY, MOM, MOM, GUESS WHAT? RUBY AND
GRACIE LISTEN TO THE GLITTER POPS, TOO.
THEY WANT TO GO TO THE CONCERT
TOMORROW. THAT WOULD BE SO TIGHT.
OH, I'M SO SORRY, GIRLS.
I CAN'T TAKE YOU TOMORROW.
ANDY AND I ARE GOING
TO AN AWARDS BANQUET.
YEAH, EMILY'S BEING HONORED
BY THE COUNTY ORTHODONTISTS
ASSOCIATION.
IT'S THE OSCARS OF TEETH.
(chuckles)
(clenches teeth)
ISN'T THAT GREAT, JIM?
YES!
CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR HONOR/AWARD.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S
VERY KIND/THOUGHTFUL.
(laughs) HEY, LISTEN,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T I TAKE THE GIRLS?
I MEAN, I'M GOING ANYWAY.
WHAT'S TWO MORE HYSTERICAL GIRLS
IN THE MINIVAN?
WOW, YOU WOULD REALLY DO THAT? SURE,
AND THAT'S ME TALKING, NOT THE CHEAT SHEET.
YOU... I-I DON'T THINK EMILY
REALLY WANTS YOU TO DO S...
THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
YEAH. YEAH. GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL SEE
IF I CAN GET TICKETS. OKAY.
MOM, CAN WE GO LISTEN
TO THE CD? OH, SURE.
YES!
YEAH, WOW.
YEAH.
WOW.
WOW.
GREAT.
(chuckles nervously)
HA HA HA HA HA.
(sighs)
WELL...
SO ARE WE DONE HERE?
JIM, WE HAVEN'T HAD
DINNER YET.
YEAH.
"MAKE DINNER."
OH, I THINK THIS PART
IS FOR YOU.
OH.
SO ALL THE POTS AND PANS
ARE IN THERE.
OH, HEY, KYLE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO ASK
IF YOU WANTED TO GO TO THAT
GLITTER POPS CONCERT TONIGHT.
RIDE IN A CAR
FULL OF SCREAMING GIRLS
TO SEE A CONCERT FULL OF
SCREAMING GIRLS? PASS. YEAH.
OH, HEY, JIM, I, UH...
KYLE, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW?
THERE'S A CUPCAKE TREE
OUT IN THE BACKYARD.
I'M NOT A MORON.
CUPCAKES GROW ON BUSHES.
BUT... JUST TO BE SAFE...
WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT...
WHAT'S UP?
IT'S ABOUT THE CONCERT.
I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
EMILY'S GIRLS GOING TONIGHT.
WHY? IF THERE'S A PROBLEM,
I'LL BE THERE LOOKING AFTER 'EM.
YEAH.
THAT'S PART OF THE PROBLEM.
WHAT PART?
THE PART THAT'S YOU.
WHAT?!
GREAT TALK. SEE YOU
AT WORK. WHA... ANDY.
NOT RIPE YET,
BUT STILL PRETTY GOOD.
MAYBE I'LL GO AND PLANT
SOME CUPCAKE SEEDS OUTSIDE.
I JUST THINK IT'S A BAD IDEA
FOR YOU TO TAKE EMILY'S GIRLS
TO THE CONCERT. BAD IDEA?
COME ON. I'M A GOOD PARENT.
I TOOK CARE OF MY TWO KIDS
WHILE CHERYL'S BEEN ON BED REST
THIS WHOLE TIME. YOU HAVE THREE KIDS.
THAT'S EVEN HARDER.
JIM, THERE'LL BE
A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE.
IT'S A PUBLIC PLACE.
WE BOTH KNOW HOW YOU ARE.
HOW I AM?
HOW I AM?
HOW I AM?
NO, ANDY,
I DON'T KNOW HOW I AM.
HOW AM I?!
YOU TOOK YOUR KIDS
TO A BEARS GAME
AND PUNCHED A PACKERS FAN.
IF PUNCHING A PACKERS FAN
IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE,
HAVE ME ARRESTED.
YOU WERE ARRESTED!
COME ON.
THAT WAS STADIUM JAIL.
I MISSED THE FOURTH QUARTER.
I PAID MY DEBT TO SOCIETY.
YOU LOST THEM FOR SIX HOURS
AT THE DOG TRACK.
AND RUBY HIT THE TRIFECTA.
AND WE'RE STILL IN TOUCH
WITH THAT FAMILY
THAT FOUND HER AND BOUGHT HER
LUNCH. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
RIGHT THERE, MAN.
WHERE? I CAN'T HAVE
EMILY'S KIDS COME HOME
TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY GOT
IN A HIGH-SPEED CHASE
ON THE EXPRESSWAY
BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT
YOU SAW COACH DITKA!
THAT IS NOT MY FAULT!
THAT WOMAN HAD
A VERY THICK MOUSTACHE!
HAVE I PROVED MY POINT?
COME ON, MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ANDY?
YOU HAVE PROVED YOUR POINT.
YOU BEING MY BEST FRIEND,
I-I'M GONNA DO THE RIGHT THING.
(sighs) OH, THANK YOU.
(laughs)
RUBY!
HEY, I APPRECIATE THIS.
AW!
(laughs)
WHAT'S UP?
LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO GET
REBECCA AND LAUREN ON THE PHONE.
TELL 'EM
WE'RE GOING TO THE CONCERT,
AND WE'RE PICKING
THEM UP AT 7:00. SWEET!
GET OFF OF ME! WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN'?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M DOIN'.
I'M SAVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF YOUR WOMAN,
IT'S NEVER GONNA LAST.
OH, GOD!
(sobbing)
OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD!
YOU KNOW WHAT? I TAKE CARE
OF OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS
BETTER THAN I TAKE CARE
OF MY OWN.
I CAN'T SUE ME.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
ANDY, RELAX.
IT'S THREE LITTLE GIRLS.
WHAT CAN HAPPEN? FOUR!
FOUR, FOUR, FOUR, FOUR.
(Jim) OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY,
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY,
ARE WE ALL STILL HERE? RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, COUNT OFF. COUNT OFF.
DAD, WE'RE ALL HERE,
AND WE'RE LATE BECAUSE
YOU WOULDN'T PAY FOR PARKING.
WELL, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
10 BUCKS FOR 3 HOURS?
WHEN THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD
VACANT LOT 12 BLOCKS AWAY?
THERE WERE RATS THERE.
THERE WERE SQUIRRELS THERE.
OKAY, NOW LET'S GO OVER
JIM'S MASTER PLAN
ONE MORE TIME. GO.
WE'RE WEARING ORANGE T-SHIRTS
SO YOU CAN PICK US OUT
OF THE CROWD. GOOD. GO.
WE EACH HAVE GLOW STICKS SO YOU
CAN SEE US IN THE DARK. GOOD. GO.
IF WE NEED YOU, WE WAVE
THEM IN THE AIR. GOOD. GO.
THERE ISN'T ANY MORE.
VERY GOOD.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
COME BACK HERE.
COME BACK HERE.
ONE MORE THING.
ALL RIGHT, YOU SEE
THAT CONCESSION STAND OVER THERE
WHERE THE IRRESPONSIBLE FATHERS
ARE DRINKING BEER?
WELL, IF WE SHOULD GET
SEPARATED, WE SHOULD MEET...
MEET...
HEY!
(crowd speaking indistinctly)
(exhales deeply) MY GOD,
I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MUCH ORANGE
SINCE I DID
MY COMMUNITY SERVICE.
(whispers) CRAP.
(normal voice) GIRLS!
GIRLS, HOLD UP YOUR GLOW STICKS
SO I CAN SEE YOU!
I CAN SEE YOU!
(crowd screaming)
AND NOW I CAN'T SEE YOU.
(pop music playing)
♪ WE CAN DANCE ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT ME FEELING SO RIGHT ♪
♪ WE CAN DANCE ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ TONIGHT ♪
♪ I SAY WE DANCE ALL NIGHT
TONIGHT ♪
ANDY, ARE YOU OKAY?
I TOLD YOU
THAT WAS TOO MUCH HAM.
OH. NO, NO, I'M... I'M FINE.
I'M JUST NERVOUS.
WHAT IF YOU DON'T WIN?
WHAT IF YOUR SPEECH IS BAD?
WHAT IF THE KIDS AREN'T
SAFE WITH JIM? WHAT?
I MEAN... (laughs)
THEY'RE TOTALLY SAFE. YEAH.
RELAX. WORRY ABOUT
YOUR CRAPPY SPEECH.
OH, DON'T TRY TO BE FUNNY.
IT'S NOT YOUR THING.
UM,
CAN I GET SOME MORE HAM?
(man, voice amplified) AND NOW
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE
TONIGHT'S GUEST OF HONOR...
DR. EMILY COLGAN.
(wheezes) YEAH!
RIGHT? THAT'S MY GIRL!
(laughs)
BEST ORTHODONTIST IN TOWN,
MAN!
(laughs)
HER KIDS ARE TOTALLY FINE!
(Emily, voice amplified)
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS
SO MUCH.
(cell phone rings)
(ring)
HI, ANDY.
THE GIRLS ARE FINE.
THEY'RE STANDING RIGHT NEXT
TO ME. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
YOU ARE A LIAR,
A THUG AND A DRUNK.
WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING HAPPENED.
I-I WANT TO HEAR IT
FROM REBECCA OR LAUREN.
PUT 'EM ON THE PHONE. (imitates
static) I'M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL.
YOU'RE AT A CONCERT!
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED...
(gasps) DID YOU LOSE THEM?
I DID NOT LOSE THEM.
I JUST DON'T REMEMBER
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.
I MEAN, IT'S NOTHING
BUT A SEA OF HAIR AND BRACES.
(high-pitched voice)
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
Relax. Don't worry.
They're here.
I know they're here.
I MEAN,
I GUESS THEY COULD BE GONE.
OH, MY GOD!
OKAY.
DON'T... DON'T DO ANYTHING.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
(Emily) ...OVER THE YEARS...
(continues indistinctly)
WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?
THE SHOW'S ONSTAGE.
OH, HEY, HEY, HEY, BY THE WAY,
BY THE WAY, MY FRIEND,
UM, IF SHE ASKS WHERE I WENT,
UM, WILL YOU JUST TELL HER
THAT I HAD AN EMERGENCY
THAT HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH HER KIDS?
♪ I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE ♪
♪ I COULD BE WRONG,
AND I'VE SAID IT BEFORE ♪
REBECCA!
JIM!
♪ HE LOOKS MY WAY ♪
♪ AND I FORGET THE WORDS... ♪
ARE YOU... YOU'RE NOT LAUREN?
OH... YOU ARE THE
WORST FRIEND EVER!
WILL YOU RELAX?
THEY'RE OUT HERE SOMEWHERE.
"OUT HERE SOMEWHERE"
ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH, JIM!
I KNEW
YOU WOULD SCREW THIS UP!
LOOK, YOU WANNA SAY,
"I TOLD YOU SO,"
OR DO YOU WANT TO SAY
TO EMILY,
"I FOUND YOUR KIDS. THEY'RE SAFE AND SOUND"? I WANNA
DO BOTH, AND I WANT SOME POST-AWARD CEREMONY LOVIN'.
♪ HAD TO TELL SOMEONE ♪
♪ I COULD BE WRONG ♪
HEY,
THIS BAND'S PRETTY GOOD.
OH! COME ON, COME ON.
(Jim) LOOK FOR 'EM.
(Andy) UH-HUH.
THIS ONE HERE. HERE.
NO.
THIS ONE HERE?
NO.
OH, THIS... THIS IS
NEVER GONNA WORK, JIM.
WE GOTTA BE SOMEPLACE
WHERE WE CAN SEE EVERYBODY.
♪ WE FINALLY TAKE OUR CHANCE ♪
♪ I MAY BE TOO YOUNG ♪
COME ON.
WHERE... WHERE ARE WE GOING?
COME ON.
(crowd screaming)
HOW ARE WE DOING TONIGHT,
CHICAGO?
(screaming continues)
THAT'S GREAT.
THIS NEXT SONG WE'RE GONNA PLAY
IS OUR LAST SONG,
BUT IT'S OUR FAVORITE SONG
TO PLAY LIVE,
CALLED
"WHY WON'T HE TALK TO ME?"
ONE, TWO,
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
(blues harmonica playing)
UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME SPECIAL GUESTS...
BIG DADDY JIM
AND THE ANDYMAN!
HEY, CHICAGO,
HOW YOU DOIN'?!
♪♪♪
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS LAUREN,
RAISE YOUR HAND ♪
YOU HEARD HIM.
RAISE YOUR HAND!
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS LAUREN,
RAISE YOUR HAND ♪
(both) ♪ IF YOUR NAME IS LAUREN,
RAISE YOUR HAND ♪
♪ NOW IF YOU RAISED
YOUR HAND ♪
♪ COME UP HERE AND JOIN
THE BAND ♪ (harmonica plays)
(girls) ♪ RAISE YOUR HAND,
COME UP HERE AND JOIN THE BAND ♪
(Jim) ♪ IF YOUR NAME IS
LAUREN... ♪
COME UP HERE AND JOIN THE BAND, LAUREN. OOH, GOT HER, GOT HER.
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS LAUREN, COME UP HERE AND JOIN THE BAND ♪
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS REBECCA,
COME UP HERE ♪
(girls) ♪ IF YOUR NAME IS REBECCA,
COME UP HERE ♪ (plays harmonica)
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS REBECCA,
COME UP HERE ♪
♪ IF YOUR NAME IS REBECCA,
COME UP HERE ♪
♪ IF YOU COME UP HERE,
I'M IN THE CLEAR ♪
♪ SO IF
YOUR NAME'S REBECCA ♪
♪ COME UP HERE ♪
♪ COME UP HERE ♪
(plays harmonica)
DAD, YOU'RE SO COOL!
YOU'RE SO AWESOME!
(plays harmonica)
♪ AND SCREAM AND DANCE
AND JUMP AROUND ♪
♪ I WON'T GET SUED
NOW THAT THEY'RE FOUND ♪
♪ HE WON'T GET SUED, HE WON'T
GET SUED ♪ ♪ COME ON, REBECCA ♪
(harmonica playing)
OKAY, WE GOT 'EM,
WE GOT 'EM. LET'S GO.
WE GOT 'EM! I GOT 'EM!
I GOT 'EM! THEY LOVE ME.
THEY LOVE ME!
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, JIM!
WHAT IF THERE'S A SCOUT OUT
THERE? EMILY'S WAITING FOR ME.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
(resumes playing)
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU, CHICAGO.
(continues playing)
I LOVE YOU, CHICAGO!
(cheers and applause)
LET'S HEAR IT
ONE MORE TIME
FOR BIG DADDY JAKE
AND THE FAT MAN!
(cheering)
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I GET IT, I GET IT.
I'M THE COOLEST FATHER EVER.
PLEASE STOP IT.
IT'S JUST EMBARRASSING ME.
THAT MEANS HE WANTS US TO
TELL HIM MORE. THANK YOU, HONEY.
THAT WAS AWESOME. I CAN'T
BELIEVE WE MET THE BAND.
HEY, AND NOT ONLY THAT,
WE GOT BANNED FROM THE ARENA.
HOW MANY LITTLE GIRLS
CAN BRAG ABOUT THAT?
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
YOU'RE THE WORST!
DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD DITCH ME ON
THE WAY HOME? I WASN'T TRYING TO DITCH YOU.
WE WERE CHASING
COACH DITKA.
GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU GO
IN THE KITCHEN
AND GET SOME ICE CREAM?
THANKS AGAIN, DAD.
OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU WERE REALLY FUN,
AND YOU'RE GOOD DANCERS.
(chuckles) YEAH, I-I JUST CAME BACK BY
TO MAKE SURE YOU DIDN'T LOSE 'EM
AGAIN ON THE WAY HOME.
NOW I GOTTA GET BACK TO EMILY'S DINNER.
WELL, WAIT, ISN'T THAT DINNER OVER BY NOW?
OF COURSE IT'S OVER!
HELP ME COME UP WITH A GOOD LIE.
ANDY, HONESTLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HER
THE TRUTH? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
SHE'LL THINK I'M AN IDIOT
FOR BEING FRIENDS WITH YOU.
YOU ARE AN IDIOT
FOR BEING FRIENDS WITH ME.
ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU,
AN IDIOT?
I WAS JUST IN THE MIDDLE
OF MY SPEECH,
AND YOU JUST WALKED OUT.
UH... WELL, UM...
THE NIGHT MY FATHER DIED,
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO RECEIVE
AN AWARD, AND SO I... ANDY!
(gasps) YOU STAY OUT OF THIS. COME
ON. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
OH, BY THE WAY, EMILY,
I LOST YOUR KIDS BRIEFLY
AT THE CONCERT.
THEN ANDY FREAKED OUT, AND THEN WE
FOUND THEM. OH, THAT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE.
THOSE CONCERTS ARE JUST
A SEA OF HAIR AND BRACES.
HMM.
GO AHEAD, ANDY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE NOT MAD?
WHY WOULD I BE MAD?
WELL... YOU SEE, ANDY, EMILY
ACCEPTS YOU WARTS AND ALL,
AND I'M WART NUMBER ONE,
BUT SHE CAN GET USED
TO THAT
AND EVENTUALLY,
MAYBE EVEN ENJOY IT.
THANKS, JIM.
I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.
RIGHT. THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO... WITH ME.
NO, THIS IS
ABOUT ANDY AND I,
AND THERE'S SOMETHING I REALLY
NEED TO SAY TO YOU, ANDY.
(sighs) I AGREE WITH
EVERYTHING JIM JUST SAID.
HMM.
REALLY?
YEAH.
BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE SAID
FOR ME IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK.
SO SHOULD WE HUG OR KISS
OR SOMETHIN'?
WELL, JIM,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, I THINK IT MIGHT MAKE ANDY
A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE,
BUT, OKAY,
I'M READY FOR IT.
AH...
JIM, I THINK I GOT THIS ONE.
(sighs)
OH!
ANDY?
JIM...
OH. (laughing)
WHOO. (laughs)
SO WE'RE DONE HERE?
WELL, WE HAVEN'T HAD
DINNER YET.