According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 11 - Pregnancy Brain - full transcript

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DADDY?

HMM?

CAN YOU SIGN
MY SPELLING TEST?

SURE. WHAT'D YOU GET?
A "B."

KYLE, THIS LOOKS LIKE
YOU TURNED A "D" INTO A "B."

IS THAT WHAT YOU DID?

I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

KYLE, COME ON.
IS THAT WHAT YOU DID?

YOU'RE NOT JUST MY DAD.
YOU'RE MY PAL.

KYLE, STOP IT.

IN THIS FAMILY,



YOU DON'T TAKE A "D"
AND TURN IT INTO A "B."

YOU TURN IT INTO AN "A."

AND REMEMBER WHAT
I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU.

IT'S JUST AS EASY
TO PUT A PLUS THERE.

THERE YOU GO.

NOW GO SHOW YOUR MOM
WHAT A GOOD SPELLER YOU ARE.

DAD, CAN YOU SIGN
MY MATH TEST?

SURE. WHAT'D YOU GET?
A-PLUS.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

♪♪♪

CHERYL, ARE YOU SURE
IT'S ALL RIGHT TO BE DOWN HERE?

'CAUSE THE DOCTOR SAID
COMPLETE BED REST.

NO, I KNOW, BUT I THINK
THE POINT IS THAT I REST.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
WHERE I DO IT. ALL RIGHT.



AND IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE A CHANGE
OF SCENERY, YOU KNOW? YEAH.

BUT, HONEY, YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY
DO HAVE SOMETHING SERIOUS

THAT I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
GREAT. CHANGE THE SUBJECT, BY ALL MEANS.

OKAY. I WAS
JUST WATCHING "OPRAH."

YES.

WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT
A LOT OF HUSBANDS

HAVE FOUND A NEW WAY
TO HONOR THEIR WIVES

AFTER GIVING BIRTH.
HMM.

WELL,
APPARENTLY MODERN HUSBANDS

ARE GETTING THEIR WIVES
PUSH PRESENTS.

IT'S A WAY TO SAY THANK YOU

FOR SUFFERING THROUGH
THE PREGNANCY AND LABOR.

UH-HUH. I SEE.

AND, UH, WHERE WILL YOU
BE SUFFERING TODAY,

ON THE COUCH OR UP IN BED?

JIM! I'M SERIOUS.
I WANT A PUSH PRESENT.

CHERYL, I RECALL
THIS WHOLE THING STARTED

BECAUSE I GAVE YOU A PRESENT.

AND IF MY MEMORY
SERVES ME WELL,

THERE WAS QUITE A BIT
OF PUSHING GOING ON.

YOU KNOW,
CHARLIE UP THE STREET

GAVE HIS WIFE
A DIAMOND BRACELET.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY
JUST LISTENED TO WHAT YOU SAID.

CHARLIE UP THE STREET?
YES, CHARLIE UP THE STREET.

HE'S A JERK!
NO!

A DIAMOND BRACELET
FOR HAVING A BABY?

YES.

THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
NO.

CHERYL, LOOK, LOOK,
YOU KNOW,

I... I'M NOT ONE
TO SAY NO TO YOU, ALL RIGHT.

AND YOU'RE NOT
GONNA SAY NO NOW!

YOU'RE GONNA GET ME
A PRESENT

THAT SHOWS HOW MUCH
YOU LOVE ME AND OUR BABIES

AND THAT I CAN SHOW TO OPRAH
AND MY OTHER GIRLFRIENDS.

I'M SORRY,
WHAT'S THAT, BABIES?

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, YOU THINK
IT'S A PRESENT ENOUGH

TO HAVE A HOUSE TO
COME HOME TO? OH.

THE ONE
YOUR DADDY PAYS FOR?

WOW, CHERYL, I GUESS
YOU LOVE OPRAH

MORE THAN YOU LOVE
THE BABIES.

WHAT DADDY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND
IS THAT OPRAH AND I

HAVE BEEN THROUGH
A LOT TOGETHER.

WAIT A SECOND. WHAT COLOR
IS THAT WALLPAPER?

IS THAT PINK?

WE DON'T WANT PINK.
PINK'S FOR KIDS.

CAN YOU GET US LIME GREEN?

NO, BUT I CAN POKE
A TINY HOLE IN THAT GAS LINE

SO YOU SLOWLY SUFFOCATE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU BEND OVER,
WE CAN SEE YOUR BUTT CRACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY
ABOUT SLEEPING IN A BASEMENT?

WHEN THE BURGLARS
AND KILLERS BREAK IN,

NO ONE
WILL HEAR YOU SCREAM.

(all speaking gibberish)

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

HEY, GIRLS. HOW DO YOU
LIKE YOUR NEW BEDROOM?

DADDY, CAN WE PUT IN
A DANCE BAR?

UH, I DON'T THINK
I LIKE THE IDEA

OF YOU TWO DRINKING DOWN HERE.
COME ON.

IT'S FOR STRETCHING.

LIKE WHAT UNCLE ANDY'S DOING
TO THE SEAT OF HIS PANTS.

I THINK THE BAR'S
A GOOD IDEA, JIM.

WE COULD HANG
THE RAT TRAPS FROM IT.

NO RATS.
NO RATS DOWN HERE.

(lowered voice)
NOT YET.

I BROUGHT SOME PAINT SAMPLES
HOME FOR YOU.

PICK OUT A COLOR FOR
YOUR NEW BATHROOM. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

ANDY. DON'T TELL THE GIRLS
THERE'S RATS DOWN HERE.

WE ONLY FOUND TWO OF 'EM,

AND THE SNAKE
PROBABLY SCARED 'EM AWAY.

SORRY, JIM. THE GIRLS
WERE WORKING ME OVER GOOD.

YEAH? WELL, I KNOW
WHERE THEY GET THAT FROM.

GET THIS. CHERYL WANTS
A PUSH PRESENT.

OH, LIKE ON "OPRAH"...
NEW BABIES, NEW TRADITIONS.

I LOVE IT.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU ACTUALLY THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA?

OH, YEAH. AND IT'S NOT
JUST FOR LADIES.

I-I GAVE MYSELF ONE

WHEN I PASSED
THAT KIDNEY STONE.

ARE THOSE CHARMS
FOR EACH STONE?

NO, THESE ARE
THE ACTUAL STONES.

OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

AS DISTURBING AS THIS IS,
YOU GOT A POINT.

WHAT ABOUT US?
WHERE'S OUR OPRAH?

WHERE'S OUR PUSH PRESENT?

I TELL YOU WHAT, JIM,
IF I WAS YOUR WIFE...

ANDY, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU

NOT TO START SENTENCES
OFF LIKE THAT? NO, NO, NO, NO.

I GOT YOUR PUSH PRESENT
ALL PICKED OUT.

WE TELL RUBY AND GRACIE

THAT THE TWINS
ARE MOVING IN WITH THEM.

THEN WE MOUNT A FLAT SCREEN
ON THAT WALL, AND SNAP...

YOU GOTS YOURSELF
A FLY MEDIA ROOM.

WHOA.

UH-HUH.

WALL MOUNT SOME SPEAKERS.

A SUBWIZZY IN THE HIZZY.

STOP TALKING LIKE THAT.
(coughs)

UH, NAH. LISTEN, I ALREADY
PROMISED THE GIRLS

WE'D TURN THIS
INTO THE BEDROOM.

AND I PROMISED MYSELF

I'D GIVE UP FOODS
LOADED IN NITRATES.

JINGLE, JINGLE.

ANDY, YOU KNOW,
IT IS A BEAUTIFUL DREAM.

BUT I GOT A BLUE-EYED,
BLONDE ROADBLOCK

UP THERE ON THE COUCH,

SUFFERING THROUGH
HER VACATION.

I'M SORRY.
I MEAN PREGNANCY.

(laughs) AAH!
WHAT? WHAT?

THE SNAKE! THE SNAKE!

ANDY, THAT'S NOT A...
THAT'S NOT A SNAKE.

OH.

THAT'S JUST
A PIECE OF RUBBER.

NO, IT IS A SNAKE!
AAH!

ANDY!

IT WAS A RUBBER SNAKE
LEFT DOWN THERE.

IT WAS KYLE'S
FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.

HEY, WHAT WAS
ALL THAT SCREAMING ABOUT?

OH, ANDY WAS UPSET

WHEN HE HEARD YOU WATCHED
"OPRAH" WITHOUT HIM.

OH, I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU PASSED ANOTHER STONE.

YOU KNOW, I AM GLAD YOU
BROUGHT UP OPRAH, THOUGH.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO
TALK ABOUT. OH, GOD. WHAT NOW?

WELL, APPARENTLY
A LOT OF MEN NOW

ARE BUYING THEIR WIVES
PUSH PRESENTS.

YOU MEAN, LIKE CHARLIE
DOWN THE STREET?

YES! HOW DID YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE WE HAD
THIS CONVERSATION

20 MINUTES AGO.

WE DID?

YEAH, AND IT WAS
JUST AS STUPID THEN

AS IT IS NOW.

OH, GOD. YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS IS? HUH?

PREGNANCY BRAIN.
OH.

WHAT... WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S A HORMONAL THING.

UGH.

YOU KNOW, ABOUT SIX MONTHS
INTO PREGNANCY,

CHERYL CAN'T REMEMBER
A THING.

YEAH, IT HAPPENED WITH RUBY,
GRACIE AND, UM, UM...

THE LITTLE ONE. YES,
YES. WHAT'S HIS FACE.

I KNOW WHO YOU MEAN. I KNOW
WHO YOU MEAN. UM, UH-HUH.

KYLE.
YES, YES, RIGHT.

KYLE. KYLE. RIGHT,
RIGHT, RIGHT. KYLE. KYLE.

YEAH.
GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE

WE ALREADY TALKED
ABOUT PUSH PRESENTS. YEAH.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET ME?
NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME.

OR YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU COULD TELL ME

'CAUSE I'LL JUST FORGET ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE GONNA HAVE

THIS SAME CONVERSATION
IN ABOUT TWO HOURS,

SO I'M GONNA GO GET MYSELF A BEER.
OH, GREAT. WOULD YOU GET ME ONE?

YOU'RE PREGNANT.

RIGHT.

OH, MY GOD.

I FORGOT HOW CRAZY SHE GETS IN
THE HOMESTRETCH. I-I DON'T GET IT.

IT'S LIKE SHE BLACKS OUT.
IS THAT REALLY POSSIBLE?

TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

IT'S LIKE SAYING I LOVE YOU
BEFORE YOU DO IT WITH A CHICK,

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE,
YOU DON'T REMEMBER SAYING IT.

I GET THAT.
YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE DOESN'T
REMEMBER WHAT SHE SAYS,

SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER
WHAT SHE'S SUPPOSED TO DO.

IT'S CRAZY.

SHE PROBABLY
DOESN'T REMEMBER TELLING YOU

SHE WANTS THE BASEMENT
TURNED INTO A NEW MEDIA ROOM.

NAH,
SHE NEVER SAID THAT...

HEY.
HOW DID I MISS THAT?

YOU MUST HAVE
PREGNANCY BRAIN.

(laughs)

AND I'M JUST ABOUT
TO GET MYSELF

MY OWN PUSH PRESENT.

(laughs)

AH, MY YOUNG BRIDE...

HERE'S SOME TEA FOR YOU...

CAROL.

OH, I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN
MY OWN NAME, JIM.

OH. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?

DAMN IT.

(laughs)

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU'RE ALL
SET WITH THE TEA... YEAH.

I'M GONNA GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS,
HELP ANDY FINISH THE MEDIA ROOM.

IT IS ALMOST DONE. BABY, YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE IT. WAIT. NO, NO, NO. MEDIA ROOM?

HONEY, YOU MEAN RUBY
AND GRACIE'S BEDROOM.

(laughs) WE TALKED ABOUT THIS,
CHERYL MABEL.

MABEL. HA!
MM-HMM.

YOU SAID, "LET RUBY AND GRACIE
STAY COZY IN THEIR OWN ROOM."

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TWINS?

(laughs) YOU SILLY GOOSE.
YOU REALLY ARE OUT OF IT.

WHAT? WE'RE TURNING THE
LINEN CLOSET INTO THE NURSERY

SO WE ALL CAN BE
CLOSER TOGETHER.

IT WAS THE BEST IDEA
YOU EVER HAD.

ARE YOU SURE
THAT WAS MY IDEA?

CHERYL, HOW WOULD I EVEN KNOW
THAT WE HAD A LINEN CLOSET?

YEAH, BUT A MEDIA ROOM?

COME ON.

YOU HELPED PICK OUT THE COLOR
FOR THE LOUNGE CHAIRS.

YOU ALSO SAID YOU WANTED
AN LCD SCREEN, NOT A PLASMA.

OH, YEAH.

GOT IT?

YEAH. ARE...
ARE THE CHAIRS TAUPE?

OF COURSE. YOU THINK I'D PICK
A COLOR LIKE THAT?

(chuckles) RIGHT.
IT IS A COLOR, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH. OH, OKAY.

I-I THINK I REMEMBER
TALKING ABOUT THAT.

I KNEW IT.

WOW. PREGNANCY BRAIN MUST BE
TWICE AS BAD WITH TWINS.

(laughs)

YOU SAID THAT
AN HOUR AGO.

(chuckles)

(laughs)

WE LOVE OUR NEW BEDROOM.

THAT IS THE BIGGEST TV I HAVE
EVER SEEN. ACTUALLY, GIRLS...

UH, JIM, PLEASE, MAY I?

YEAH, HERE'S THE THING
ABOUT A 56-INCH, 1080i LCD

WITH 7-CHANNEL
DIGITAL SOUND...

IT'S NOT FOR YOU.

THE PLAN NOW
IS TO HAVE YOU LOSERS

SLEEP IN THE SAME CRAPPY ROOM
YOU'VE ALWAYS SLEPT IN

WHILE THE BASEMENT BECOMES
A LAND OF FUN FOR US,

THE GROWN-UPS.

BUT WHERE ARE THE TWINS
GONNA SLEEP?

OH, RIGHT HERE.

LOOK... BUNK CRIBS.

THIS SUCKS.
WE WANT OUR NEW ROOM.

SUCKS TO BE YOU.

AND IF YOU'RE GONNA CRY,
TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

SO MOM JUST SOLD US OUT?
SHE DID. SHE REALLY, REALLY DID.

YEAH, I MEAN,

YOU CAN TAKE IT UP WITH HER
IF YOU WANT,

BUT IF YOU ARGUE
TOO MUCH WITH HER,

I'M AFRAID YOU'LL BE SLEEPING IN
THIS LINEN CLOSET. WITH THE RATS.

(Andy, Gracie and Ruby
speaking gibberish)

SNAKE!
(Jim and Andy) AAH!

MAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE
THIS PICTURE?

IT'S LIKE WE'RE RIGHT
AT THE GAME. YEAH.

(laughs) AAH! I GOT IT!
I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

(groans) DAMN IT.
SO CLOSE.

REMIND ME NOT TO WATCH PORN
ON THIS THING WITH YOU.

OH, THIS MEDIA ROOM
IS AWESOME, JIM.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

EXCEPT... EXCEPT THERE'S
SOMETHING MISSING, RIGHT?

YEAH, I JUST KIND OF WISH WE HAD...
AN OLD-FASHIONED POPCORN MACHINE?

I WAS GONNA SAY MY DAD,

BUT A POPCORN MACHINE
ISN'T BAD.

YEAH.
FIRE UP THE INTERNET.

SEE IF YOU CAN GET

A POPCORN MACHINE
ON THE CHEAP.

OH, ANDY,
THIS PREGNANCY BRAIN THING

IS THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

HEY, YOU COULD GET
THAT MECHANICAL BULL

YOU ALWAYS WANTED

EVER SINCE YOU SAW "URBAN
COWBOY." OH, YEAH, LOOK IT UP.

SEE WHAT KIND OF PRICE
WE CAN GET.

WELL AHEAD OF YOU, CAPTAIN.
CHECK OUT THIS PRICE. (laughs)

OH, MY GOD. IT'S SO LOW,

IT WOULD BE IMMORAL NOT
TO BUY IT. (laughs) (laughs)

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

ANDY! ANDY!

ANDY, IT'S A TV!

THIS IS A GOOD TV, MAN.
UH-HUH.

YOU READY, CHAMP?

(grunts)

(metal rattles)

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH, I THINK
I GOT THIS THING...

(Southern accent)
ALL FIGURED OUT THERE, ANDY.

I'M GONNA HOLD ON REAL TIGHT
WITH MY LEFT HAND,

AND I'M GONNA SQUEEZE MY LEGS
WITH MY LIFE.

(laughs)

NOW IT'S ALL ABOUT BALANCE,

NOT ABOUT STRENGTH.

LIKE THAT.

ALL RIGHT, HIT IT!

HERE WE GO.

WHOO!

WHOO-HOO!

WHOO-HOO... AAH!

(laughs) YEAH!
THAT WAS A NEW RECORD.

(normal voice) YEAH!

I GOT YOU BEAT.
I GOT YOU BEAT.

OKAY, YOUR TURN.
YOUR TURN, MAN. YOUR TURN.

ALL RIGHT.

(Southern accent) NOW I KNOW
YOU CAN DO IT, ANDY.

ALL RIGHT.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.
I JUST WANNA ADJUST THE BOYS.

(Andy with high-pitched voice)
AAH!

(normal voice)
THAT WAS YOUR BEST TIME!

BEST TIME YET, MAN.
(laughs)

I WON'T BE ABLE TO
HAVE KIDS NOW, BUT WHO CARES?

THESE MEMORIES
WILL LAST LONGER. (laughs)

YEAH! (laughs)

OH, I'M S... I'M S...

(Cheryl) JIM?
JIM, ARE YOU OKAY?

DAMN IT.
IS ANDY PASSING ANOTHER STONE?

CHERYL, DON'T COME DOWN
THESE STAIRS.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON
BED REST. I KNOW, HONEY, I-I KNOW,

BUT I-I KEEP HEARING A THUMP
AND THEN A GIRLISH SCREAM.

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT?

YEAH.

I-I WANTED IT
TO BE A SURPRISE,

BUT HAPPY PUSH PRESENT.

HOORAY! OKAY, ME AGAIN.
GIVE ME THE HAT.

WHAT? COME ON.
GIMME, GIMME, GIMME.

TAKE IT.
(laughs)

YOU GOT ME A MECHANICAL BULL
AS A PUSH PRESENT?

MM-HMM.

(high-pitched voice) AAH!

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?
ARE YOU FLIPPIN' SERIOUS?

YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART,
CHERYL.

ARE... ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME

THAT I FORGOT
THAT I WANTED THAT?

OKAY, JIM,
WATCH ME THIS TIME.

I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHING NEW.

CHERYL... I KEPT TALKING
TO YOU ABOUT JEWELRY,

AND YOU SAID, "NO, I WANT
TO GET IN SHAPE

AFTER THE BABIES ARE BORN."

HIT ME!

(high-pitched voice)
AAH! AAH!

BUT I ALWAYS GET IN SHAPE
AFTER THE BABY.

I KNOW. THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I TOLD YOU MYSELF.

THEN YOU SAID,
"NO, I SAW IT ON 'OPRAH, '

AND I THINK IT'S A FUN WAY
TO GET BACK IN SHAPE."

(Cheryl) WOW.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE I KEEP
FORGETTING ALL THIS STUFF.

CHERYL...

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, IT'S...
IT'S KINDA HURTFUL.

(Andy groans)

IT MAKES ME, YOU KNOW...

(grunts)

IT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO DO
NICE THINGS FOR YOU ANYMORE.

OH, OH, HONEY,
I... I'M... I'M SORRY.

I LOVE MY MECHANICAL BULL.

THANK YOU.

(Southern accent)
YOU'RE WELCOME, MA'AM.

NOW HIT ME.

(grunts)

HEY, THAT LOOKS LIKE FUN.
CAN I TRY?

CHERYL, YOU'RE PREGNANT.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

(Andy groans)

OH.

I WANTED IT
WITH THE CRUST CUT OFF.

WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE IT
WITH THE CRUST CUT OFF?

YOU SEE HOW ANNOYING
THAT IS, GIRLS?

THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES.

WE'RE GONNA ASK YOU
A QUESTION,

AND I WANT YOU TO BE
HONEST WITH ME. OKAY.

WE LOVE YOU EITHER WAY,

BUT WE JUST WANT TO KNOW
THE TRUTH.

ARE YOU ON DRUGS?

WHAT?

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
THAT RIDICULOUS BULL.

(Andy with high-pitched voice)
AAH!

(thud)

IN WHAT UNIVERSE
DID YOU WANT THAT?

I KNOW, I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT... IT'S PREGNANCY BRAIN.

YOU SAY CRAZY THINGS,
AND THEN YOU DON'T REMEMBER.

BUT... YOU GOTTA ADMIT,

I MEAN, THAT... THAT BULL
LOOKS LIKE FUN, RIGHT?

MORE FUN
THAN A DIAMOND BRACELET?

(sighs) THAT DOES SOUND GOOD.

MOM.
MOM, SNAP OUT OF IT.

COME BACK TO US. YOU
DIDN'T WANT THAT MEDIA ROOM.

OR A MECHANICAL BULL.

I DIDN'T WANT
ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

BUT WHO DID?

HINT... RHYMES WITH "BAD."

(gasps)

WHAT'S MORE LIKELY,
YOU FORGOT ABOUT

ALL OF THOSE CONVERSATIONS
YOU SUPPOSEDLY HAD...

OR I FORGOT WHO I MARRIED.

THERE'S THE MOTHER
OF MY CHILDREN.

I BEEN MISSING
YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE ALL DAY.

OH. MWAH.

I'M GONNA HIT THE BULL.
LATER.

UM, JIM...
YOU KNOW WHAT?

TELL THE KIDS I'M GONNA HAVE
MY DINNER DOWNSTAIRS.

(Southern accent) MAYBE
A POT OF BLACK COFFEE,

SOME CAMPFIRE BEANS,
AND ANYTHING IN A SKILLET, BABY.

JIM...

CHERYL! CHERYL!

MY BULL IS GONE.

RUSTLERS GOT MY BULL.

I MEAN YOUR BULL.

WELL, WHATEVER ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, JAMES ORENTHAL?

YOU DECIDED
THAT A MECHANICAL BULL

WAS NOT AN APPROPRIATE
PUSH PRESENT.

YOU INSISTED THAT I SELL IT

AND BUY MYSELF THIS BEAUTIFUL
DIAMOND BRACELET.

I DID?

OH... YOU SILLY GOOSE.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
YOU SAID...

(Southern accent)
"I DON'T CARE

"IF IT COSTS
A LITTLE BIT MORE,

I WANT MY BABY'S MAMA
COVERED IN ICE."

(Southern accent) NOW, CHERYL,
YOU KNOW I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

(normal voice) SOUNDS LIKE
YOU HAVE PREGNANCY BRAIN.

ONLY IT'S WORSE.
IT'S BIG FAT JERK BRAIN!

(normal voice) CHERYL!

PUSH PRESENTS
ARE JUST RIDICULOUS.

WHAT?
COME ON.

GIVING A WOMAN A GIFT
FOR HAVING A BABY?

THERE'S NOTHING
MORE RIDICULOUS THAN THAT.

HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF
IN A COWBOY HAT?

CHERYL, I HAVE
BEEN DOING NOTHING

BUT HELPING YOU
AND THIS FAMILY FOR MONTHS.

I MEAN, FIRST
YOU'RE DOWN IN FLORIDA,

NOW YOU'RE ON BED REST.

I MEAN,
A STATE-OF-THE-ART MEDIA ROOM

WITH A MECHANICAL BULL,
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

YOU DIDN'T ASK. YOU LIED.

BECAUSE IT WAS EASIER,
HONEY.

COME ON, CHERYL.

I JUST FELT THAT...

I NEEDED
A LITTLE SOMETHING SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF MEN
FEEL NEGLECTED

DURING
A DIFFICULT PREGNANCY.

WHO SAYS?
OPRAH DID.

OH. (scoffs)

NO, YOU MADE ME SIT DOWN
AND WATCH IT WITH YOU.

REALLY.

OH, GOD. I THINK
I ACTUALLY DO REMEMBER THAT.

SEE?

SO OKAY,
YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT NOW.

NOW WE'VE RETURNED
THE MECHANICAL BULL.

NOW LET'S RETURN
THIS DIAMOND BRACELET.

OH, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO.

I THINK KEEPING THIS BRACELET
WILL REMIND YOU OF MY POINT.

I THINK KEEPING THE BULL
WOULD REMIND ME, TOO,

AND FOR A LOT LESS MONEY.
COME ON.

I SOLD THE BULL TO ANDY.
SHH.

(Andy with high-pitched voice)
AAH!

(thud)

(laughs) ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

THIS WEEKEND, ANDY AND I
WILL FINISH THE BEDROOM

DOWNSTAIRS IN THE BASEMENT
FOR THE GIRLS.

AND WE'LL FINISH
THE NURSERY, TOO.

OH, HONEY.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY
HAVE BEEN AMAZING

THROUGH THIS PREGNANCY.
WELL, THANK YOU.

AND IF YOU STILL FEEL LIKE

YOU NEED A SPECIAL PLACE
OF YOUR OWN

ONCE THERE ARE FIVE KIDS
IN THE HOUSE,

I THINK WE CAN
WORK SOMETHING OUT.

YEAH?

YEAH.

NOTHING LIKE
A DAY AT THE BALLPARK.

YEAH.

(grunts) I THINK I'M GETTING
A SUNBURN FROM THE SCREEN.

YEAH. LET'S TAKE
OUR SHIRTS OFF.

OW.

OUCH.

(knock on door)

PRIVACY.

HELLO.

I NEED A TOWEL.

THERE YOU GO, SON.

DADDY.

HMM?

WHEN ARE YOU AND UNCLE ANDY
COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET?

YOU KNOW,
WITH ANY LUCK, NEVER.

AHH.

OH! OH!
OH, I GOT IT!

NO, YOU DON'T.
IT'S A TV. (grunts)

ANDY, IT'S A TV! GET UP!
GET UP! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.