According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 10 - All Dolled Up - full transcript

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I'M THIRSTY. WOULD YOU
LOAN ME A BEER? SHH!

(whispers) OH, RIGHT.

IF THE BEERS KNOW WE'RE COMING,
THEY'LL TRY TO HIDE.

(lowered voice) NO,
I JUST WANT TO HAVE A BEER

BEFORE THE SCREAMING STARTS.
WHAT SCREAMING?

CHERYL'S RESTING UPSTAIRS,

AND YOU KNOW HOW SHE GETS CRAZY
EVERY PREGNANCY?

WELL, IT'S DOUBLE THIS TIME
BECAUSE SHE'S HAVING TWINS.

PLUS THOSE HORMONES GO NUTS
WHEN YOU'RE OLDER.

DON'T SAY THAT WORD
IN THIS HOUSE.

WHICH WORD...
"HORMONES" OR "OLDER"?



DON'T DO THAT.

BE QUIET.
YOU KNOW CHERYL.

DURING EVERY PREGNANCY
THERE'S ONE POINT

WHERE SHE GOES OVER
TO THE DARK SIDE.

SHE'S RIGHT ON THE EDGE,

AND I DON'T WANT HER
TO GO OVER IT.

WELL DONE.

BOTTOMS UP.

(clinks loudly)
OH, ANDY, DAMN IT!

(Cheryl) WHAT ARE
YOU MONKEYS DOING DOWN THERE?!

ARE YOU WITH YOUR WHORES?!

(normal voice)
NO, BABY!

DON'T YOU "NO, BABY" ME!
GET UP HERE!

WOW, SHE HAS GREAT HEARING
FOR AN OLDER WOMAN.



♪♪♪

(sobbing)

HELLO,
MY YOUNG, SKINNY BRIDE.

MY LIFE IS OVER.

OH, COME ON, HONEY.
DON'T BE SILLY.

YOU GOT SO MUCH IN LIFE
TO LOOK FORWARD TO. NO.

FOR EXAMPLE, ISN'T IT TIME
TO START MAKING DINNER?

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I SAW THE DOCTOR TODAY.

AND?

NO, THE TWINS ARE FINE.

AS A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE,

HE WANTS TO PUT ME
ON BED REST.

ALL NIGHT?

UNTIL THE BABIES ARE BORN.

DOES THIS HAVE TO START
BEFORE DINNER?

OH, JIM.

I-I... IT'S A LOT
TO ABSORB HERE.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

(sighs)

I MEAN, IT'S GONNA BE
REALLY HARD ON ME.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

WELL,
WON'T YOU BE LYING DOWN?

IT'S NOT FUNNY!

I HAVE BEEN AWAY
FROM MY FAMILY FOR MONTHS.

GIVING MY MOM SPONGE BATHS

BECAUSE... BOO-HOO...
SHE BROKE HER HIP.

AND THEN YOU...

HONEY... HONEY...

YOU DID YOUR FILTHY BUSINESS
ON ME ON AN AIRPLANE

AND GOT ME ALL KNOCKED UP...
HONEY, HONEY...

WHILE YOU BRING YOUR WHORES
AROUND AND FORGET ALL ABOUT ME!

HONEY, COME ON!

EASY, BABY, EASY.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE THAT BAD.

HONEST.

LOOK, WHILE YOU WERE IN FLORIDA
TAKING CARE OF YOUR MOM,

I TOOK CARE
OF THE HOUSE, RIGHT?

YEAH.
I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO.

ALL RIGHT?

ALL I WANT YOU TO DO
IS RELAX

AND CONCENTRATE ON MAKING
THESE BABIES BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT ABOUT GRACIE'S PARTY?

HER BIRTHDAY PARTY?

YES! I RESERVED
THE COTILLION ROOM

AT THE NATIONAL GIRL
DOLL STORE.

NOT A PROBLEM.

IS COTILLION
MORE THAN A BILLION?

OH!
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

(sighs) NATIONAL GIRL DOLLS
HAVE ONLY BEEN

YOUR DAUGHTER'S FAVORITE THING
FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS.

PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER
A FEW DINNERS

WITH A LITTLE DOLL
NAMED CONSTANCE HIGGENBOTTOM?

OH, THAT QUIET GIRL
WHO DIDN'T TALK?

YEAH, I LIKED HER.

SHE WAS POLITE AND LET ME
TAKE FOOD OFF HER PLATE.

(scoffs) THE COTILLION ROOM
IS A VERY BIG DEAL. ALL RIGHT.

WE'VE BEEN ON THE WAITING LIST
FOR OVER A YEAR.

AND NOW
I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL,

AND IT'S GONNA BREAK
LITTLE GRACIE'S HEART.

HONEY, PLEASE.

WE'RE NOT GONNA CANCEL.

I WILL HANDLE IT.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

IT'S TEN LITTLE GIRLS
AND THEIR DOLLS HAVING HIGH TEA.

NOT A PROBLEM.

I'LL HANDLE IT.

DO YOU MEAN IT?

YES, I DO.

THEN I LOVE YOU.

DO YOU?

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THINKING
THAT MAYBE THERE'S AN UPSIDE

TO YOU BEING IN BED
ALL THE TIME.

ACTUALLY, HONEY,
I TALKED TO MY O.B.

HE SAID I CAN'T HAVE SEX
TILL AFTER THE BABIES ARE BORN.

WOW.

DID YOU TALK
TO THE EAR, NOSE, THROAT GUY?

(lowered voice) ALL RIGHT,
WE'RE GONNA GO IN THERE,

GIVE YOUR MOTHER LUNCH,

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
GO TO THE PARTY.

REMEMBER, THAT'S NOT
YOUR MOTHER IN THERE.

THAT'S THE HORMONES.

SO DON'T GET TOO CLOSE...

AND DON'T LOOK HER
IN THE EYE.

SO... SO IT'S LIKE
THE MONKEYS AT THE ZOO.

EXCEPT FOR WE DON'T HAVE GLASS
TO PROTECT US HERE.

DADDY, I'M SCARED.

IF SHE SAYS ANYTHING,
JUST SAY, "YES, MOMMY."

YES, MOMMY.

TO MOMMY, KYLE.

(gasps) HELLO!

HI.

HOW ARE
MY LITTLE DARLINGS?

YES, MOMMY.

THERE'S MY BIRTHDAY GIRL.
COME HERE, GRACIE.

IT'S OKAY, HONEY.

OKAY, DAD.

HONEY, I MADE YOU
AND YOUR SISTER TEA COZIES

FOR YOUR PARTY.

(sobbing)
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE

MY LITTLE GIRL IS GONNA TURN 12,
AND I WON'T EVEN BE THERE.

I'M THE WORST MOMMY
IN THE WORLD, AREN'T I?

YES, MO...

(crying)

UM, THANK YOU
FOR THE TEA COZIES, MOMMY.

OH, AND IT MATCHES
MY DOLL'S DRESS.

(gasps) YOU NOTICED!

WHERE'S MY COZIES?

UH, WELL, UH, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA GET A COZY,

BECAUSE YOU GET
A BIG SURPRISE.

YOU GET TO STAY HOME
WITH MOMMY ALL DAY LONG!

WHAT THE CRAP?!

(indistinct conversations)

(bell ringing)

NATIONAL GIRLS,
ATTENTION, PLEASE.

ORDER. ORDER!

MRS. WHITNEY, CAN I HELP?

ALL RIGHT,
ZIP IT AND PARK IT!

IT'S ALL YOUR, TOOTS.

THANK YOU.

AND WELCOME.

AND A SPECIAL WELCOME
TO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL... GRACIE.

(girls cheering)

GIRLS, PLEASE! SCREAMING IS
NEITHER FETCHING NOR WINSOME.

WE USE INDOOR VOICES,
OR NO ONE GETS CRUMPETS.

(cheering softly)

I MUST HAVE HER.

WE BEGIN
WITH THE NATIONAL GIRL PLEDGE,

TRADITIONALLY READ BY THE MOTHER
OF THE BIRTHDAY GIRL.

BUT DUE TO HER BEING...

KNOCKED UP?

AS I WAS SAYING,

SINCE THE MOTHER ISN'T HERE,

PERHAPS THE FATHER
WOULD LIKE TO READ.

(girls cheer)

(bell rings)

"I, AS A NATIONAL GIRL...
OF AMERICA...

"PLEDGE TO PROUDLY
AND LOVINGLY CARE

"FOR MY DOLL...
AND MYSELF.

"MY OUTFIT
WILL ALWAYS BE CLEAN,

AND MY HAIR
WILL ALWAYS BE BRAIDED."

(girls laugh)

ZIP IT!

"AND I PROMISE
TO ALWAYS BE A GOOD GIRL,

"A GREAT GIRL...

A NATIONAL GIRL."

(laughing)

SHH.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YOU'RE THE UGLIEST LADY
I'VE EVER SEEN.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

BOO!

GO ON!

SCAT!

HER NAME
IS PRISCILLA EVERSON FEENEY.

TODAY HER HAIR IS BRAIDED
IN A DOUBLE FLIP TWIST.

YEAH.

BORN INTO THE MERCHANT CLASS,

PRISCILLA CAME OVER
ON THE "MAYFLOWER,"

AND AFTER
A STORMY 6-MONTH COURTSHIP,

MARRIED AN APOTHECARY.

THOSE APOTHECARIES
GOT ALL THE TAIL.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK
IT WOULD TAKE

TO BEAT ME UNCONSCIOUS
WITH ONE OF THESE DOLLS?

GRACIE, IT'S YOUR TURN.

I'LL BE BACK LATER WITH CAKE.

MAKE HER SAY "CAKE" AGAIN.

I'M SORRY, UH, WHAT IS THAT
YOU'RE BRINGING BACK?

(enunciating) CAKE.

(Jim) HERE SHE IS.
HERE SHE IS.

(flat voice)
THIS IS CONSTANCE HIGGENBOTTOM.

SHE DOES STUFF.
I LOST HER ONCE.

WE FOUND HER BEHIND THE FRIDGE.
THE END.

WHAT THE...

EXCUSE ME.

HEY.

HAVING A GOOD TIME?

NO. THIS PARTY'S STUPID.

YOU WISH YOU WERE HERE
WITH YOUR MOMMY.

NO. I WISH I WASN'T HERE.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

I THOUGHT THIS IS
WHAT YOU WANTED.

YEAH, A YEAR AGO.
I WAS A KID THEN.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
SAY SOMETHIN'?

MOM WAS SO EXCITED
ABOUT THIS,

AND YOU SAID
WE SHOULDN'T UPSET HER.

(sighs) CRAP.

THERE'S A LESSON IN THIS.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE
BEFORE YOURSELF.

I GUESS I JUST WANTED
TO MAKE SURE

MOMMY GOT THE PARTY
SHE WANTED.

AH, YOU'RE A SWEET KID.

YOU GET THAT FROM ME,
YOU KNOW.

BUT I'M GONNA
LOOK LIKE HER, RIGHT?

WELL, LET'S HOPE SO.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T WE
GIVE YOUR MOTHER

THE TEA PARTY
THAT SHE WANTED FOR YOU?

HERE.
PICK UP THAT TEACUP.

OKAY, SMILE.

(shutter clicks)

THERE. LOOK AT THAT.

THERE'S A TEA PARTY.

NOW LET'S THROW THE PARTY
THAT YOU WANTED.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
WE CAN DO ANYTHING.

CAN WE GO PLAY LASER TAG
OR PAINTBALL?

WE CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT
AT A PLACE

WE'VE ALREADY PUT A DEPOSIT
DOWN ON, LIKE HERE.

THERE'S NOTHING HERE
BUT STUPID DOLLS.

YOU SEE STUPID DOLLS.

I SEE BRAIDED TARGETS.

THIS IS
CONSTANCE HIGGENBOTTOM,

CHARGED WITH BEING STUPID
AND BETRAYING HER COUNTRY.

COMMENCE FIRING!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRACIE!

THANKS, DAD.

CAN I GO SHOOT UNCLE ANDY
IN HIS BIG, FAT HEAD?

IT'S YOUR DAY.

AAH!

AAH! OH, OH!
(laughs maniacally)

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON! AAH!

I'M OUTTA AMMO!
I'M OUTTA AMMO! AAH!

(all shouting)

AAH! OH, GRACIE, GRACIE,
WE'RE PINNED DOWN.

I KNOW! IT'S AWESOME!

OW! OW!

HOW ARE YOU ON AMMO?

I'M DOWN TO ONE DART
AND ONE CUPCAKE,

AND YOU KNOW I'M NOT
GONNA THROW THE CUPCAKE.

THIS IS THE BEST
PARTY EVER. YEAH.

WELL, THE PARTY'S OVER.

NOW GIVE ME THE CUPCAKE
NICE AND EASY,

OR I SWEAR TO GOD
I'LL DO THIS DOLL RIGHT NOW.

THE LAST THING YOU NEED
IS A CUPCAKE.

GET HIM!

(screaming)

OHH!

(screaming)

GET HIM! GET HIM!

(groaning)

(laughing maniacally)

(Jim) OH, GET THE ENEMY!

(cell phone rings)

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT. OH, MY GOD.
(ring)

(ring)

IT'S CHERYL! CEASE FIRE!

TEA PARTY NOISES,
TEA PARTY NOISES!

(ring)

(brightly) YELL-OH?

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

UH, DELIGHTFUL, CHERYL.

NOT A WORD I USE OFTEN,
BUT IT FITS PERFECTLY.

HEY!

YOU'RE GOING DOWN, LADY!

HEY!

WHAT WAS THAT?

OH, THAT?
THAT WAS A CRUMPET.

YEAH, THEY'RE RUNNING
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

IT'S LIKE
A PETTING ZOO HERE.

HOW ARE THINGS AT HOME?

OKAY. I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
I MISS YOU GUYS,

BUT KYLE'S HAVING FUN.

RIGHT, KYLE?

(clenching teeth)
YES, MOMMY.

WELL, UH, THAT'S GREAT.
I GOTTA GET GOING, HONEY.

NO, WAIT. UM, UM...

M-MY FEET ARE REALLY COLD.

OH, I'M SO SORRY, HONEY,
BUT I'M GETTING MY HAIR BRAIDED.

BYE.

HOW'S MOMMY?

OH, SHE'S GREAT.
SHE WANTED ME TO SAY,

"YOU'RE ALL GOING DOWN!"

(screams)

(bell ringing)

GIRLS, GIRLS!
ORDER, ORDER, ORDER!

GET HER!

(screaming)

HELLO, MRS. WHITNEY.
YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE.

THE QUESTION IS,
WILL I BE?

(screaming)

ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL SHOW MOMMY

THE PICTURES
OF THE FAKE PARTY,

TELL HER HOW GREAT IT WAS,
AND THEN WE'RE OUTTA THERE.

(Cheryl) JIM, IS THAT YOU?

(all) YES, MOMMY.

HEY!

HI!

HEY, GUYS.
SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HORMONES ARE,
BUT I'M NEVER GETTING PREGNANT.

OH. HOW WAS YOUR PARTY?
TELL ME EVERYTHING.

IT WAS GREAT.
HERE'S... HERE'S A PICTURE.

(gasps)
SHE'S KIND OF WORN OUT,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST
GET HER TO BED NOW?

OH, MY GOD, SO HAPPY.

(Jim) BEDTIME.

SO VERY, VERY HAPPY.
(sobbing)

CHERYL, CHERYL,
WHAT'S THE MATTER? CHERYL!

OH, IT WAS THE BEST PARTY EVER,
AND I MISSED IT.

CODE FIVE, CODE FIVE.
GET DOWNSTAIRS.

(sobbing)

CHERYL, CHERYL, CHERYL,
LOOK AT ME. CHERYL, LOOK AT ME.

CHERYL...
IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

(wails) IT'S NOT OKAY!

IT WAS THE PERFECT PARTY,
AND I WASN'T EVEN THERE.

(sighs) ALL RIGHT, IT WASN'T
THE PERFECT PARTY, ALL RIGHT?

I SWEAR! THE FACT IS,

NATIONAL GIRL STORE
THREW US OUT,

BANNED US FOR LIFE,
AND WE'LL PROBABLY GET SUED!

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

WHAT?

WHAT'D YOU DO,
STEAL A CUPCAKE?

NO.

DID YOU SNEAK IN BEER?
OH, MY GOD.

WHAT?

YOUR HARMONICA. (gasps)
DID YOU PLAY YOUR HARMONICA?

CHERYL.

POOR GRACIE.

NOT POOR GRACIE!

AND I'M PRETTY HOT
ON THE HARMONICA!

THAT LITTLE GIRL HAS DREAMED
ABOUT THAT PARTY ALL YEAR,

AND YOU RUINED IT!

CHERYL, CHERYL,
HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.

THE GOOD NEWS IS...
IS SHE DIDN'T WANT THAT PARTY.

I GAVE HER A BETTER ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
SHE DIDN'T WANT THAT PARTY?

SHE DIDN'T WANT THAT PARTY,
HONEST TO GOD.

SHE LIKED THIS PARTY. LOOK,
LOOK, LOOK, LET ME SHOW YOU.

(scoffs)
LOOK, RIGHT HERE. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU SEE THAT?

OKAY, THAT'S GRACIE
ASSASSINATING PRISCILLA FEENEY.

WHAT?

SHE IS A GREAT SHOT.
SHE GETS THAT FROM YOU, BABY.

AND THERE IS RUBY AND GRACIE
MOWING DOWN TABITHA.

AND THERE IS
TABITHA'S MOTHER

PICKING HER UP EARLY
FROM THE PARTY. (scoffs)

THERE'S ME WITH
TWO CUPCAKES IN MY MOUTH.

SEE, A GOOD TIME
WAS HAD BY ALL.

WHAT'S THAT?

(beeps)

OH, IT LOOKS LIKE
AN UPSKIRT OF MRS. WHITNEY.

DAMN IT, ANDY!
(beeping)

SO THAT... THAT'S REALLY
WHAT GRACIE WANTED?

YES, HONEY.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

SHE GREW
OUT OF THOSE DOLLS.

SHE SAID THIS WAS
THE BEST PARTY EVER...

A HAPPY DAY.

(sobbing)

OH, CHERYL.

COME ON, CHERYL.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
MY OWN DAUGHTER.

OH. YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?

YOU REALLY ARE DOWN.

(playing blues riff)

STOP IT!

AAH!

MY FAMILY IS SLIPPING
AWAY FROM ME,

AND IT'S ONLY
GONNA GET WORSE.

CHERYL,
I KNOW YOU FEEL ALONE.

(sighs)

BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND,

EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE SWIMMING

IN THAT HORMONAL SOUP
IN YOUR HEAD,

YOU GOTTA KNOW THAT YOU ARE
THE CENTER OF THIS FAMILY.

I AM?

YES.

CHERYL,
YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN,

AND WE'VE ALWAYS
BEEN THERE FOR YOU.

AW. (crying)

CHERYL,
WHY ARE YOU CRYING NOW?

WHAT IS THIS... IS THIS
A HAPPY, SAD OR CRAZY CRY?

OH,
IT'S KIND OF A MIXTURE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST...

IT'S ONLY GONNA BE
A FEW MORE MONTHS NOW

THAT THIS FAMILY
IS JUST THE FIVE OF US.

I'M MISSING IT.

(sobbing)

CHERYL MABEL...

(sniffles)

YOU'RE NOT
GONNA MISS ANYTHING.

OKAY.

MAMA'S THE QUEEN,

AND ANDY AND I ARE GONNA
LEAD A CHARGE ON THE CASTLE.

AW, YOU GUYS, THANK YOU.
GOT IT?

IT IS SO NICE
TO NOT FEEL ISOLATED.

OKAY.

(crying)

CHERYL.

CHERYL, YOU CAN'T CRY
DURING AN ATTACK.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I JUST... I JUST...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT...

YOU WOULD FALL FOR THAT.

(all screaming
and shouting indistinctly)

OW, OW, OW!