According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 8 - Deliverance - full transcript

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---
(TV playing)

OH!

ALL RIGHT,
WHAT'S THE DEAL, DOC?

THIS IS MY THIRD BEER,
AND I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A SIP.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOTHING, JIM, REALLY.

IT'S JUST, WITH THE BABY COMING,
I'M FEELING A LITTLE...

YOU KNOW... I'M TOTALLY
FREAKING OUT, IS WHAT I'M...

OKAY, OKAY.
JUST RELAX, DOC.

LOOK, ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
IS ONE THING... THE SWADDLE.

THE SWADDLE? YEAH, AS SOON
AS THE BABY STARTS CRYING,

YOU WRAP 'EM UP REAL TIGHT
IN THEIR BLANKET,



AND EVERYTHING'S FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'D SHOW YOU IF I HAD A BABY
AND SOMETHING TO WRAP HIM IN.

HEY, GUYS. GUESS WHO JUST
GOT BACK FROM THE WHITE SALE?

WITH THESE SHEETS,
I'M GONNA SLEEP LIKE A BABY.

UGH!

ALL RIGHT, THE KEY IS
TO RESTRAIN THE LITTLE BUGGER...

BECAUSE THEY'RE
GONNA FIGHT YOU.

OW. AAH, STOP IT!
I HATE THIS.

OH, I FEEL SO SAFE.

THAT'S AMAZING. YEAH,
AND IF THEY START CRYING,

YOU JUST STICK A BOTTLE
IN THEIR MOUTH.

OKAY, HEY, MY FEET
JUST FELL ASLEEP, HUH?

YOU GOTTA GET ME
OUTTA HERE, JIM, I...

YOU'RE A NATURAL, DOC.



♪♪♪

WHAT, CHILDREN?

WE'RE BORED.

WELL, I AM VERY, VERY,
VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW.

HEY, KIDS, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE
AND I WOULD GET BORED,

YOU KNOW
WHAT I USED TO DO?

I'D MAKE
MY OWN FRIENDS...

OUT OF FELT...

OR I'D TAKE A SOCK...
YAWN.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WE'LL PLAY
HIDE AND GO SEEK, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS GO HIDE,
AND I'LL COUNT TO 20...

THOUSAND.
OH.

HEY, EVERYBODY,
IT'S MR. PICKLES.

HEY, MR. PICKLES, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK?

(high-pitched voice)
OH, PUT A SOCK IN IT!

(normal voice)
SOCK, GET IT?

MR. PICKLES,
YOU'RE A SCAMP.

I'M NOT BEING SELFISH.
I'M TRYING TO BE PROFESSIONAL.

I'M DONE
TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THIS.

HI. WE CAME HERE
FOR AN IMPARTIAL OPINION.

CHERYL, TELL RYAN
HE'S AN ASS.

OH, RYAN,
WHAT DID YOU DO?

I AGREED TO DELIVER A BABY,
JUST LIKE I DO EVERY DAY.

IN AFRICA, WITH ME DAYS AWAY
FROM HAVING HIS CHILD.

YOU'RE NOT DUE FOR FIVE WEEKS.
I'M GONNA BE BACK IN TWO.

WELL, RYAN, SHE IS YOUR WIFE,
AND IT IS YOUR FIRST CHILD.

HE WOULDN'T EVEN BE CONSIDERING
THIS IF IT WASN'T A CELEBRITY.

A CELEBRITY?
OH, MY GOD, WHO?

IT'S ANINA HARPER.
(gasps) ANINA HARPER.

I LOVE HER. YOU KNOW,
SHE SINGS, SHE DANCES,

AND SHE HAS A LINE
OF GLUTEN-FREE PASTA.

SHE ALSO GETS $10 MILLION
A PICTURE TO TAKE OFF HER SHIRT.

(high-pitched voice)
HOTCHIE MOTCHIE!

AND WITH ALL THAT MONEY,

SHE DOES A LOT
OF CHARITY WORK IN AFRICA.

THAT'S WHY SHE WANTS
TO HAVE HER BABY IN DJIBOUTI.

UH, DOC, I THINK THAT'S
PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

OH. LOOK, JIM, DJIBOUTI
IS A COUNTRY IN AFRICA.

YEAH, SURE IT IS.
IT'S JUST NORTH OF DJI-LEGS.

I DON'T WANT HIM
TO GO THERE.

DOC, YOU SHOULD
KNOW BETTER.

WOMEN HATE IT WHEN
YOU HEAD TOWARD DJIBOUTI.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS A GREAT
OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU, RYAN.

IT REALLY IS.
YOU SHOULD PAY ATTENTION.

I MEAN, DELIVERING A CELEBRITY'S
BABY IS GONNA BE GREAT

FOR YOUR PRACTICE. YEAH, BUT HE'S
GONNA MISS THE BIRTH OF HIS CHILD.

WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL, DANA?

I MEAN, I MISSED THE BIRTH
OF MY TWO CHILDREN. THREE.

THREE. LOOK, A JOB CAME UP.

IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ME
TO DO IT AND EARN A LIVING.

THAT'S WHAT MEN DO FOR THEIR
FAMILIES... THEY EARN A LIVING.

SEE, BABE, LOOK. YOUR IMPARTIAL
AUDIENCE IS AGREEING WITH ME.

RYAN, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST ADMIT IT?

YOUR JOB IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN I AM. THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HE'S SAYING.

HIS JOB IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN YOU ARE.

JIM, IF THIS WASN'T
ABOUT A CELEBRITY,

I'D BE REALLY UPSET
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

RYAN'S WORK
IS HIS HIGHER PURPOSE.

A WOMAN
SHOULD NEVER STAND

BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS HIGHER
PURPOSE. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, DANA?

IF YOU REALLY DON'T WANT ME
TO GO, JUST GIVE ME THE WORD.

YEAH, YEAH,
JUST LET HIM WALK AWAY

FROM THE BIGGEST CAREER
OPPORTUNITY OF HIS LIFE.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW, DANA,

RESENTMENT IS
THE VERY FOUNDATION

OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

ALL RIGHT, I'M...

IF YOU'RE SURE THAT
YOU'RE GONNA BE BACK IN TIME.

I'LL BE BACK. I GUESS
YOU... YOU CAN GO.

MR. PICKLES,
WHO'S IN CHARGE OF DJIBOUTI?

(high-pitched voice)
I THINK IT'S A SHAKE...

SHAKE DJIBOUTI.

THIS IS THE THIRD GIFT BASKET
I'VE GOTTEN

FROM ANINA
IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS.

OH. IT'S GETTING REALLY
HARD TO HATE HER.

"DEAR DANA..."
SHE KNOWS YOUR NAME!

"THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING YOUR
HUSBAND TO JOIN ME IN AFRICA.

"WILL CALL ATTENTION...
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

"ORPHANS...
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

"HUMAN SUFFERING"...

(gasps) OH, MY GOD,
SHE SENT PASTA!

HEY.
HEY, WHERE ARE THE KIDS?

OH, WE'RE PLAYING
HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK AGAIN.

UGH. WANNA SEE IF THEY'RE
HIDING AT THE CUBS GAME.

QUICK, TURN ON THE NEWS.
ANINA HARPER JUST HAD HER BABY.

OH, MY GOD!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS THAT MAKES DJIBOUTI
ABOUT 8 POUNDS HEAVIER. OH.

OH, THERE'S RYAN.
TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP.

UH, I'M HAPPY TO REPORT

THAT EVERYTHING
WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN,

AND MOTHER AND CHILD ARE
DOING VERY WELL. (all cheer)

BEFORE I GO, I'D LIKE TO THANK
SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL

FOR ALLOWING ME
TO MAKE THIS TRIP.

I LOVE YOU. I REALLY DO.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, MAN.

I THINK HE MEANT ME.

OH, THE WOMAN THAT WANTED
TO SQUASH HIS CAREER?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M THE ONE WHO PUT
MR. PICKLES IN HIS LUGGAGE

TO MAKE HIM SMILE.

HE MEANT ME.
I'M HIS WIFE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER. THIS IS
ALL HAPPENING BECAUSE OF ME.

THE BOOMING BUSINESS... ME.

THE INTERNATIONAL ATTENTION...
ME.

THE FREE PASTA... ME.

ALL ME. ME!

(man) WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM
FOR BREAKING NEWS.

CIVIL WAR
HAS ERUPTED IN DJIBOUTI.

WHY YOU LOOKING AT ME?

OH, MY GOD.

OH, DANA, HONEY,
HE'S GONNA BE FINE.

HE'S WITH A CELEBRITY.

APPARENTLY, ACTRESS
ANINA HARPER AND HER BABY

WERE ABLE TO ESCAPE
IN A PRIVATE PLANE

BEFORE THE FIGHTING STARTED...
(all cheer)

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, NOT ALL OF
MS. HARPER'S ENTOURAGE ESCAPED.

(all) OH...

HOWEVER, HER MEDICAL TEAM
WAS ON THE PLANE...

(all cheer)
(Jim) ALL RIGHT.

BUT NOT HER OBSTETRICIAN,
DR. RYAN GIBSON.

OH.

HOLD ON.

THERE'S ONE MORE PIECE
OF NEWS...

A SECOND SOURCE NOW CONFIRMS

THAT DR. GIBSON WAS DEFINITELY
NOT ON THE PLANE.

HEY, HEY!

SORRY, I LOST TRACK.

HEY, YOU GUYS.

WE GOT A VIDEO E-MAIL MESSAGE
FROM RYAN.

OH.

HEY, I JUST WANNA LET YOU GUYS
KNOW THAT EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WE'VE GOT MILITARY PROTECTION,
PLENTY OF FOOD AND WATER,

AND ON THURSDAYS
THEY'VE GOT DUNG BEETLE RACES.

HE BETTER BE CAREFUL.

THAT'S AN EASY WAY
TO LOSE 10 GRAND.

SO DON'T WORRY, SWEETIE.
I'M DOING FINE.

(man speaks African language)
GUYS, GUYS, GUYS!

I'M SORT OF IN THE MIDDLE
OF SOMETHING HERE.

LOOK, I'LL BE AT HOME AS SOON
AS I CAN, AND I LOVE YOU.

OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, MAN.

HE WAS TALKING TO ME!

WELL, THE IMPORTANT THING IS
HE'S FINE,

AND EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

I AM EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS
PREGNANT,

AND MY HUSBAND
IS TRAPPED IN A WAR ZONE!

DANA, DANA, I KNOW
YOU'RE VERY UPSET... UGH!

AND FRANKLY,
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

NO, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
WHAT, WHAT?

I TOLD RYAN
TO FOLLOW HIS HIGHER PURPOSE,

AND THINGS GOT SCREWED UP,

AND NOW IT'S MY TURN TO STEP UP
AND FOLLOW MY HIGHER PURPOSE.

JIM, THIS IS NO TIME
TO GO BOWLING.

NO.

MY HIGHER PURPOSE
IS TAKING CARE OF THIS FAMILY,

AND THAT INCLUDES
YOU, TOO, DANA,

'CAUSE YOU'RE
PRACTICALLY FAMILY.

FAMILY? PLEASE. I ONCE WAITED
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

FOR TWO HOURS FOR YOU,
AND YOU NEVER CAME.

BUT YOU LEARNED
HOW TO CHANGE A TIRE.

I GAVE YOU A GIFT.
UGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?
THIS IS SERIOUS.

DON'T PROMISE ANYTHING YOU'RE
NOT GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH ON.

HEY, LOOKIT.
THIS IS CRUNCH TIME,

AND WHEN IT'S CRUNCH TIME,
I FOLLOW THROUGH.

DANA, WHILE RYAN IS AWAY,

I WANT YOU
TO MOVE IN HERE WITH US.

WHAT'S THE CATCH?
YOU GONNA SELL MY BABY?

NO, NO CATCH.

WOW. I'M IMPRESSED. I MEAN,
THIS REALLY ISN'T LIKE YOU.

CHERYL, HEROES AREN'T BORN.
THEY'RE CORNERED.

THANK YOU, JIM. I...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GO HOME,

PACK UP YOUR PRETTY LITTLE
THINGS AND HAUL THEM OVER HERE.

AND MAYBE ON THE WAY OVER,

PICK UP SOME DINNER
FOR THE REST OF US.

HEY, UH, STEVIE B's HAS FRIED
CHICKEN NOW. THAT'S DOWNTOWN.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
THEN YOU BETTER HURRY UP,

'CAUSE IT GETS
VERY DANGEROUS AFTER DARK.

HEY, JIM?
YEAH.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE
ALMOST 800,000 PEOPLE

LIVING IN DJIBOUTI?

HEY, LOOK AT THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT DJIBOUTI'S
LEADING EXPORT IS?

NATURAL GAS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WE KNOW THIS IS TOUGH.

WE'RE JUST TRYING
TO LIGHTEN IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

WELL, DON'T.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.

MY HUSBAND'S STUCK IN DJIBOUTI,
AND HE CAN'T GET OUT.

STOP IT!

THERE IS A CIVIL WAR
GOING ON.

DJIBOUTI COULD BE
SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

(both laughing)

ALL RIGHT, THAT ONE...
THAT ONE WAS A LITTLE FUNNY.

HEY, JIM, ARE YOU READY
TO GO TO THE BABY STORE?

UH, NO, I'LL JUST
STICK AROUND HERE

AND BUILD THE CRIB
FOR DANA. I'LL GO.

WHY WOULD YOU WANNA GO
TO THE BABY STORE?

HELLO, PLUS-SIZED HOTTIES.

ANDY, THEY'RE ALL PREGNANT.

HA, MY KIND OF LADIES.

CAN'T GET KNOCKED UP
'CAUSE THEY ALREADY ARE. OH.

HEY,
THANKS FOR STICKING AROUND.

MM, MM, NO PROBLEM.

NO PROBLEM AT ALL. HERE.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THIS.
(bell jingles)

OH! I WANT YOU TO RING THAT
BELL WHEN YOU NEED SOMETHING,

AND I'LL COME BACK IN, AND I'LL
GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU NEED.

OH, THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

(bell jingles)

YES?

OH, I JUST WANTED TO SEE
IF YOU COULD HEAR IT.

I CAN HEAR IT.
OKAY.

BUILDING A CRIB.

(bell jingles)

I CAN STILL HEAR IT.

ACTUALLY,
I WAS KIND OF THIRSTY.

WOULD YOU MIND
GETTING ME A SODA?

ABSOLUTELY.
OH, THANK YOU.

I CAN DO THAT,
YOUNG DANA, ABSOLUTELY.

HERE YOU GO.

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
I CAN DO FOR YOU

WHILE I'M STILL HERE?

NOPE, I'M GOOD.

OKAY.

(bell jingles)

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU ALREADY HAD IT! AAH!

WHAT? WHAT IS IT?!

I'M LONELY...
OH.

AND SAD.

WELL, YOU BETTER
PICK ONE OF 'EM,

'CAUSE I CAN ONLY DEAL
WITH ONE AT A TIME.

OKAY, I'M SAD.

MY HUSBAND'S GONNA MISS
THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW,
WE DON'T KNOW THAT.

YOU STILL HAVE
THREE WEEKS.

ALL RIGHT.

(bell jingles)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

THIS BETTER BE GOOD!
WHAT IS IT?

MY WATER JUST BROKE.

HEY, YOU ARE WRONG. MAYBE IT'S
JUST A LITTLE MOMMY TINKLE.

YOU'RE NOT HAVING THE BABY
FOR THREE MORE WEEKS.

WELL, TELL THAT TO THE BABY,
BECAUSE HE'S COMING... NOW.

(bell jingling)

HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!

JIM!

CALL CHERYL!

(bell jingling)

CHERYL! CHERYL! CHERYL!

ON HER CELL PHONE!

HER CELL PHONE!
HER CELL PHONE!

I'LL CALL CHERYL
ON HER CELL PHONE.

OW! WHOA! SO THAT'S WHAT
A CONTRACTION FEELS LIKE. UGH!

CHERYL, CHERYL, CHERYL.
(cell phone rings)

GRAB THAT.
THAT MIGHT BE HER.

(ring)
HELLO?

OH, CHERYL, YOU GOTTA
GET BACK HERE RIGHT AWAY.

DANA'S HAVING A BABY!

I KNOW. I'M DANA.

(spluttering)
SHE FORGOT HER CELL PHONE?!

OKAY. OKAY.
(bell jingles)

OKAY, OKAY, THIS IS BAD.
THIS IS BAD.

THIS IS REALLY
BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD!

ALL RIGHT, JIM, JIM. I NEED YOU
TO DRIVE ME TO THE HOSPITAL NOW.

I'M NOT GONNA
DRIVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

YES, JIM. GET THE KEYS TO
YOUR TRUCK. I'M NOT GONNA...

NOW! ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL TAKE MY TRUCK, BUT YOU
GOTTA SIT IN THE BACK. WHAT?

I GOT NEW FLOOR MATS.

I DON'T WANT YOUR BABY GOO
TO GET ALL OVER IT.

JIM... ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE HERE.

RECEPTION'S
RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.

PICK YOU UP, WHAT,
TWO OR THREE HOURS?

LOOK, JIM, OBVIOUSLY, YOU ARE
THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD

I WANNA BE WITH RIGHT NOW.

I'M THE LAST PERSON
IN THE WORLD? YEAH.

I WOULD THINK
THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD

WOULD BE A BABY CANNIBAL.

YEAH, WOULD THAT BE
A CANNIBAL THAT EATS BABIES,

OR A NEWBORN CANNIBAL?

DANA, IT DOESN'T MATTER. THEY'RE
BOTH HIGHER ON THE LIST THAN ME.

AAH! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

JIM, I AM IN LABOR.
I SEE THAT.

AND YOU SAID ANYTHING I NEEDED,
YOU'D BE THERE FOR ME.

WELL, GUESS WHAT? NO ONE ELSE
IS HERE, AND I NEED YOU.

(panting) PLEASE.

OKAY, FINE. I'LL STAY.

THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.

CAN YOU GET ME
A WHEELCHAIR?

WHEELCHAIR?
YEAH.

THEY CHARGE EXTRA FOR THAT.

OH, NO, NO. I GOT A DOLLY
IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.

GET OUT. COME ON.

WHEW. OKAY, LET'S MOVE
THIS THING ALONG.

I GOT ABOUT AN HOUR
ON THE METER.

WHAT DO I DO?

ALL RIGHT, HOLD MY HAND,
FEED ME ICE CHIPS

AND STAY NORTH
OF THE MASON-DIXON LINE.

TRUST ME, THE LAST THING I WANNA
DO IS SEE THE LAND OF COTTON.

AAH!

OW! OW, OW, OW, OW, OKAY,
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!

MRS. GIBSON,
I'M DR. PATEL.

EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.
WE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.

CAN I JUST SAY WE'RE ALL
VERY JEALOUS OF YOUR HUSBAND?

THIS TRIP'S GONNA DO
AMAZING THINGS FOR HIS CAREER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO TELL HER THE WHOLE TIME!

WELL, YOUR CERVIX
IS FULLY DILATED,

SO AS WE SAY
IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION,

IT'S GO TIME.

OKAY, GO TIME.
SO, TIME FOR ME TO GO.

WAIT, JIM, YOU CAN'T GO.

(sighs) WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT, DANA?

I JUST REALIZED I GOT A BIG JOB
I'M BIDDING ON TOMORROW,

AND I LEFT THE BLUEPRINTS
AT THE OFFICE,

AND I GOTTA GO PICK 'EM UP,
SO I GOTTA GO.

FOR GOD SAKES, JIM, I'M
HAVING A BABY. I KNOW THAT,

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN YAPPING
ABOUT IT

FOR THE LAST NINE MONTHS.
NOW, DANA, THIS IS

VERY IMPORTANT TO MY WORK,
AND WORK IS MY HIGHER PURPOSE.

I THOUGHT YOUR HIGHER PURPOSE
WAS TAKING CARE OF YOUR FAMILY.

I HAVE SEVERAL HIGHER PURPOSES,
DANA. I GOTTA GO!

HEY!

(grunts)

MY GOD, YOU'RE SCARED.

I AM...
I AM SO NOT SCARED.

YOU'RE SHAKING
WORSE THAN I AM.

I AM NOT!

SIR, YOU ARE SHAKING.

YOU KEEP YOUR MIND
ON HER HOO-HA.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK
WHEN CHERYL WAS IN LABOR.

YOU WERE JUST
TOO SCARED TO BE THERE.

(splutters) I-I REALLY
WAS REALLY SCARED.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT
I WAS SCARED.

I MEAN, THIS WHOLE THING
FREAKS ME OUT.

I MEAN, THERE'S A PERSON
SHOOTING OUTTA YOU,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

I GOTTA GO, I GOTTA GO...
JIM...

I GOTTA GO, I GOTTA GO,
I GOTTA GO!

I GOTTA GO, I GOTTA GO,
I GOTTA GO!

B.P.'s FALLING.
OH...

WE'RE NOT
GONNA MAKE IT TO THE O.R.

OH, UH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANNA
GET IN THE WAY HERE,

SO I'LL JUST SCOOCH BY HERE FOR A SECOND...
OKAY, LET ME GET THIS OFF. HOLD HIM DOWN.

(screams) WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO OPEN HIM RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA OPEN HIM?!
YOU'RE GONNA OPEN HIM?

I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GO,
I GOTTA GO!

OH, MY GOD. YOU CAME BACK.

YES. YES, I DID.

WOW. AT CRUNCH TIME,
YOU REALLY DO PULL THROUGH.

WELL, LIKE I SAID,

HEROES AREN'T BORN.
THEY'RE CORNERED.

OKAY. SO YOU'RE GONNA STAY HERE
AS LONG AS I NEED YOU, RIGHT?

WELL...

I'M NEVER LEAVING
THIS ROOM,

EVEN IF I HAVE
TO SLEEP HERE TONIGHT.

HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER!

DOES THIS BABY HAVE ANTLERS?

OH, MY GOD, IS
THAT POSSIBLE? HEY!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. JUST BREATHE. (groans)

BREATHE.
I AM BREATHING.

I'M NOT TALKING
TO YOU.

OKAY, LOOK, JIM, IF CHERYL
DID THIS THREE TIMES BY HERSELF,

YOU AND I CAN DO THIS ONCE
TOGETHER.

THANK YOU, DANA.
THAT REALLY HELPS.

OKAY, WHAT DO
YOU NEED, HONEY?

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
OKAY, I NEED, UM...

OH, I WANT MY MUSIC.

I MADE... I MADE A CD
OF SOOTHING BIRTH SONGS.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR
THE CARPENTERS RIGHT NOW.

CARPENTERS?

YEAH.

OH... OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LEFT IT IN THE TRUCK.

TRUCK?
YEAH.

OKAY.

♪ WHY DO BIRDS
SUDDENLY APPEAR ♪

♪ EVERY TIME ♪

♪ YOU ARE NEAR? ♪

♪ JUST LIKE ME... ♪

TANNER, AS SOON AS YOUR DADDY
GETS BACK FROM AFRICA,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A GOOD LAUGH ABOUT THIS...

BUT NOT
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

OH, HE IS SO SWEET. CAN
I HOLD HIM AGAIN? YEAH.

OH, OH, TA...
OH, TANNER.

I KNOW. LOOK AT YOU.
YOU ARE JUST THE CUTEST BOY.

(laughs) I'LL TELL YOU,
I LOVE HIM ALREADY.

CHERYL, "EXTRA" IS SHOWING
PICTURES OF ANINA HARPER'S BABY.

OH, MY GOD. TAKE THIS THING.
TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM. OH...

HEY, SIS.
I KNOW IT'S GOTTA BE ROUGH

WITH RYAN
BEING AWAY AND ALL,

AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU NEED...

ANYTHING AT ALL...

(Cheryl)
ANINA'S BREAST-FEEDING!

(bell jingles)

YES?

I'M KIND OF IN THE MOOD
FOR A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH...

AND "TIME IN A BOTTLE"
BY JIM CROCE.

HOW LONG IS
THIS NONSENSE GONNA LAST?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S TELL
CHERYL THE REAL REASON

YOU MISSED
THE BIRTH OF YOUR KIDS.

SWISS OR CHEDDAR?

CHEDDAR. OH, BUT FIRST,
TANNER NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.

GLAD TO DO IT. TANNER,
YOUR NEW NAME IS JACK.

JIM, HE NEEDS A NEW DIAPER.

AGAIN?
YES.

I JUST CHANGED HIM
YESTERDAY.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

COME HERE, YOUNG LAD.
LOOK AT YOU... SO STRONG.

(laughs) OKAY, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA CHANGE YOU,

WHICH GIVES US SOME TIME
FOR SOME MAN TALK, HUH?

YEAH... JACK.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST LESSON IS
UNCLE JIM IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

SECOND LESSON IS, THERE
ARE NO OTHER LESSONS. JIM.

AND WHEN YOU HEAR
THAT VOICE, IGNORE IT.

THAT'S WHAT
YOUR UNCLE JIM DOES.

NOW SPORTS.

THE CUBS, THE BEARS, THE BULLS,
THE BLACKHAWKS.

EVERY EIGHT YEARS,
THE WHITE SOX.

OH, AND SKATING. THE ONLY
SKATING YOU WATCH IS HOCKEY.

MUSIC... THE BLUES.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING
AS A FLUTE.

DON'T YAWN.
THIS STUFF'S IMPORTANT.

MY BEAUTIFUL
YOUNG BOY, JACK.

I'M GONNA
WALK YOU OUTSIDE,

AND WE'RE GONNA
TAKE YOUR DIAPER OFF...

IN THE YARD...

'CAUSE IT REALLY STINKS.