According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 7 - Cheryl Gone Wild - full transcript

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(grunting)

(panting)

(grunts)

♪♪♪

OH! I HOPE THIS IS
WHAT I THINK IT IS.

"CUTIES GONE CRAZY"...
THE MOVIE.

OOH! IT IS! IT IS
WHAT I THINK IT IS!

HA HA HA! BOOBIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE
ABOUT THESE FILMS?

YOU ALWAYS THINK THAT

THAT GIRL IS SO SWEET,
SHE'LL NEVER SHOW 'EM.



THEN SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENS,
AND SHE DOES.

YEP, MY COLLEGE BUDDY STEVE
SENT ME THIS,

AND HE SAYS THE HOTTEST CHICK
HE'S EVER SEEN IS ON THIS THING.

"CUTIES GONE CRAZY:
SPRING BREAK FLORIDA"...

SOLID INSTALLMENT.

BEST YOU CAN DO
ON AMERICAN SOIL, ANYWAY.

INTERNATIONAL WATERS...

THAT'S WHERE
THE REAL ACTION IS.

WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'VE SEEN THIS ONE ALREADY?

I'VE SEEN THEM ALL. HOW FAR
IN IS SHE? HE SAID 20 MINUTES.

20 MINUTES, HUH?
YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN HER.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

AREN'T YOU EVEN A LITTLE CURIOUS
ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

THERE'S THREE MEN IN THERE,



AND THE KIDS
ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

THEY'RE EITHER LIGHTING FARTS
OR WATCHING PORN.

WHAT IF CHERYL AND DANA
COME IN?

OH, COME ON, DOC.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME

ANDY AND I HAVE ENJOYED
SOPHISTICATED EROTICA.

WE HAVE A SYSTEM.
AND GO.

I GOT THE LOOKOUT. I HIT THE INPUT
BUTTON. IT GOES RIGHT TO ESPN.

IF THEY COME IN,
CODE WORD IS "WHIRLYBIRD."

REPEAT, WHIRLYBIRD.
COME BACK.

WHIRLYBIRD.
(clicks tongue)

DOC, HE SAID, "COME BACK."

WHIRLYBIRD.

ANDY,
WE ARE GO FOR BOOBIES.

(laughs)

DON'T WATCH ME.

UGH. WELL, YOU MAY NOT CARE,
BUT I DO.

I'M TAKING A PEEK.

(all) NICE.

OH, MY GOD. CHERYL, THEY'RE
WATCHING "CUTIES GONE CRAZY."

THEY'RE WATCHING WHAT?

"CUTIES GONE CRAZY." THEY'RE
GONNA SEE US FLASH THE CAMERA.

OH, NO! OH, OH, OH.

OKAY. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?

CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

THERE ARE,
LIKE, 500 OF THOSE.

I MEAN,
WH... WHAT ARE THE ODDS

THAT THEY'RE WATCHING
FORT LAUDERDALE? YEAH.

(man) SO, AMBER, HOW DO YOU
LIKE FORT LAUDERDALE?

CRAP! CRAP! OH, SHOOT! OH, WE'RE
DEAD! WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD!

WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD!
NO!

I DON'T WANT MY HUSBAND
TO SEE ME TOPLESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
ALL RIGHT. (clears throat)

YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY OBVIOUSLY
HAVEN'T SEEN US YET...

(quietly) OKAY. SO YOU ARE
GONNA FOLLOW MY LEAD, OKAY?

OKAY. WE'LL GET
THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

OKAY.
(whispers) OKAY.

SO, MARGO,
HOW OLD ARE YOU?

(Margo) 18.

(men) DAMN, GIRL.

WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU WATCHING?

WHIRLYBIRD!
WHIRLYBIRD!

WE'RE WATCHING
SOME, UH, ESPN, BABY.

COME ON. YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH I LOVE, UH...

MEN'S FIGURE SKATING.

OH, WHAT THE HELL? WHAT AM I
TRYING TO HIDE ANYTHING FOR?

WE'RE WATCHING DRUNK GIRLS
TAKE THEIR TOPS OFF.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, NO, NO. OFF.
TURN IT OFF! COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

JIM, OFF! SIT DOWN AND
WATCH IT. HAVE A GOOD...

OH, MY GOD! I'M HAVING
MY BABY! WHAT?! WHAT?!

EVENTUALLY, AND I DON'T WANT
OUR UNBORN CHILD

TO SEE THIS FILTH.

TURN IT OFF! NO, NO, LET
THESE GIRLS PUMP UP THE TIRES.

YOU CAN STILL
RIDE THE BIKE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? NO. I WANT IT
OFF. (Dana) JIM, JUST TURN IT OFF.

GET AWAY FROM ME, CHERYL.
NO, I WANT IT OFF. I WANT IT OFF.

(Andy) EASY. HEY, THERE,
GORGEOUS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

(crowd cheering)
DANA!

(men) OH... MY... GOD.

YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME,
DANA?

NO. NO, I'M NOT.

YOU TOOK OFF YOUR TOP

IN A "CUTIES GONE CRAZY" VIDEO?

YEAH, I...

I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT.

DIDN'T I?

NO, DANA, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU SAID YOU COULD
ROLLER-SKATE AND BAKE.

BUT DRUNKEN BAR-FLASHER
NEVER CAME UP.

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, DOC.
DOC, EASY. "EASY"?

EASY... LIKE DANA ON
SPRING BREAK. (Cheryl) OH.

JIM. YOU KNOW
WHAT? I'M OUT OF HERE.

I'M SORRY. I'M TRYING. NO, DOC, COME ON. NO, COME
ON, MAN. HEY, HEY, HEY! COME ON, MAN. COME ON, HUH?

HEY, WE PAUSED IT
BEFORE WE SAW BOOBS,

SO NO ONE HAS TO GO
TO HELL OR ANYTHING.

YEAH. COME ON, RYAN,
IT WAS YEARS AGO.

WE ALL DO STUPID THINGS.

I MEAN, WHAT WERE YOU DOING
RIGHT OUT OF SCHOOL?

I WAS IN AFRICA, WORKING WITH
DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS

VACCINATING ORPHANS.

OOH, WELL,

SO IF THEY HAD PARENTS,
YOU WOULDN'T VACCINATE 'EM?

PFFT.
THAT'S KINDA MESSED UP.

ALL I DID
WAS LIFT MY SHIRT UP.

HEY, HEY, HEY.
COME ON, RYAN.

THIS HAPPENED BEFORE
YOU EVEN KNEW HER. YEAH.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO GET OVER IT.

"GET OVER IT"?
YEAH.

IF CHERYL HAD DONE THIS,
YOU WOULDN'T GET OVER IT.

YOU'D GO BALLISTIC.
BALLISTIC? NOT JIM.

YEAH, AND BESIDES,
IT WASN'T CHERYL. IT WAS DANA.

JUST DANA.

RIGHT.

SO, UH, SO, DOC,
LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE BIT.

LOOK, HER BIG SECRET
IS OUT NOW.

THE BEST WE CAN DO IS WATCH IT
AND MAKE FUN OF HER. COME ON.

NO! I MEAN, NO,
WE... WE SHOULD EAT.

LET'S ALL
GO IN THE KITCHEN.

OOH, I'M HUNGRY. NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO. YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?

THEY ALREADY KNOW
I'M ON IT,

SO WHY DON'T WE ALL
JUST SIT DOWN

AND WATCH
THE WHOLE THING?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL?

THIS IS GONNA HAUNT ME FOREVER
IF WE DON'T SEE IT,

SO LET'S SEE IT.

YEAH, WAY TO MAN UP, RYAN.
LOVE THAT. I'M PROUD OF YOU.

(Ryan) THANK YOU. WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I-I-I-I... I'M GONNA
KEEP MY EYES CLOSED.

TELL ME WHEN THE NEXT HOTTIE COMES
UP. COME ON, ANDY. HOW BAD CAN IT BE?

(man) DO IT.
(Dana) ...HAVING A DRUNK TIME.

BUT I'M REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

(man) WELL, YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT
WE WANT, RIGHT? (cheering)

COME ON, DANA!
LET'S SEE 'EM! WHAT?

LET'S SEE 'EM, DANA!
NO, I DON'T THINK SO!

(crowd chanting) DO IT! DO
IT! DO IT! I DON'T THINK SO.

DANA, COME ON.

YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC BODY.
SHARE IT WITH US. GET LOST!

DANA, I'LL GIVE YOU A
FREE T-SHIRT. ALL RIGHT.

(cheering)

BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE!
YEAH!

CHERYL DID IT, TOO.

(gasps)
WHAT?!

THANKS A LOT! OH, IT'S
EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.

COME ON, PLAY THE VIDEO. SHE
FLASHED HIM RIGHT AFTER I DID.

WHAT?!

BOTH MY SISTERS?!

SORRY, POP.

THIS MUST BE LIKE GETTING HIT
BY THAT BUS ALL OVER AGAIN.

WAIT, WAIT. YOU'RE TELLING ME
YOU FLASHED YOURSELF

INTO A BAR ROOM
FULL OF PEOPLE?!

DANA DID IT FIRST.
I FELT A LOT OF PEER PRESSURE.

"PRESSURE"? CHERYL, PRESSURE?
PRESSURE? YOU'RE ON FILM NOW.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE ON VIDEO.
THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONNA SEE IT.

EASY, JIM. YOU'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO GET OVER IT.

DON'T GO THROWING
MY WORDS BACK AT ME.

IF I WANTED MY ADVICE,

I'D LISTEN TO MYSELF
WHEN I TALK.

I THOUGHT IT WASN'T
THAT BIG A DEAL.

WELL, IT'S NOT
THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

I MEAN, COME ON,
WE WERE ALL YOUNG, RIGHT?

WE ALL MAKE STUPID MISTAKES
WHEN WE'RE YOUNG.

I MEAN, I KNOW I DID.
RIGHT.

I MEAN, I DID A REALLY
STUPID THING IN COLLEGE.

I ACTUALLY SHAVED MY INITIALS
INTO A SHETLAND PONY.

YEAH. IT'S LIKE THAT, JIM.
IT'S LIKE THE PONY.

YEAH. (laughs)
COME ON.

I LIKE THAT MY GIRL HAD A WILD TIME
WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG. (Cheryl) YEAH.

YOU HAD A LITTLE WILD STREAK.
DON'T SEE IT ANYMORE.

(laughs) ALL RIGHT. WHY DON'T WE
JUST WATCH IT AND HAVE SOME FUN?

BUT TH-THEN,
LET ME LEAVE FIRST.

ALL RIGHT?
I'M DONE WITH SMUT.

I'M GONNA GO HOME, GET RID
OF MY ENTIRE PORN COLLECTION.

IT'S NO FUN
WHEN YOU THINK OF GIRLS

AS PEOPLE
WITH LIVES AND FAMILIES.

THANKS A LOT, SKANKS!

ALL RIGHT. BACK TO
BOOBIEFEST. (sighs)

AND WHO'S THIS LOVELY LADY?
HI, I'M CHERYL.

HEY, I WANT TO SAY HI
TO MY KIDS.

HEY, GIRLS! (laughs)
ALL RIGHT, CHERYL.

WELL, WE SAID HI TO YOUR GIRLS.
HOW ABOUT WE SAY HI TO YOURS?

MY GIRLS?
YEAH.

OH, WHAT THE HELL?

OH, I'M SORRY. ARE YOU GONNA
HAVE TO BEEP THAT OUT?

NO, WE'RE FINE.
LET'S SEE THE GIRLS.

OKEY-DOKEY!

WAIT A SECOND.

"GIRLS"?

YOUR WEDDING RING IS ON.

YOU DID THIS
WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME?!

AT LEAST
I WAS A SINGLE SKANK.

OKEY-DOKEY!
(VCR whirs)

OKEY-DOKEY!
(VCR whirs)

OKEY-DOKEY!
(VCR whirs)

OKEY-DOKEY!
(VCR whirs)

OKEY-DOKEY!

JIM,
WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS?

WELL, I KEEP THINKING

THAT THIS GIRL IS SO SWEET,

SHE'S NOT GONNA SHOW 'EM...

AND THEN SOMETHING HORRIBLE
HAPPENS, AND SHE DOES.

(VCR whirs) ALL RIGHT. Y-YOU
KNOW WHAT? JUST TURN IT OFF.

THE STEAKS ARE READY.

CHERYL, I THINK YOU'LL
BE ABLE TO TELL HOW MAD I AM

WHEN I SAY,
"I CAN'T EAT STEAK RIGHT NOW."

(sighs)

JIM.

HONEY, IT...

IT WAS ONE NIGHT,
A LONG TIME AGO.

OH. UGH.

(sighs)

REMEMBER WHEN DANA AND I

WENT TO FLORIDA
TO VISIT MY MOTHER?

OH, MY GOD.
YOUR MOTHER'S IN THIS TAPE?

NO! SHE WATCHED THE GIRLS,
AND DANA AND I WENT OUT.

YOU KNOW, I-I HAD TWO KIDS,
I WAS TOTALLY OVERWHELMED.

I NEEDED TO GO OUT
AND BLOW OFF SOME STEAM.

YOU DIDN'T BLOW OFF STEAM.
YOU BLEW OFF YOUR SHIRT...

UGH.
CHERYL MABEL.

DON'T YOU MIDDLE NAME ME,
JAMES ORENTHAL!

WHO ELSE
HAS SEEN OUR BOOBS?

"OUR BOOBS"?
YEAH.

YOU KNOW, JIM, I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE
MY BOOBS. (mutters) YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

I THOUGHT AT LEAST,
I'D HAVE HALF OF 'EM.

I MEAN, I KNOW IT WASN'T
WRITTEN IN THE WEDDING VOWS,

BUT I THOUGHT I HAD
EXCLUSIVE VIEWING RIGHTS.

OH, WOULD YOU GET OFF
YOUR HIGH HORSE?

YOU DROP YOUR PANTS

AND MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF
ALL THE TIME.

CHERYL, BUT NOBODY WANTS
TO SEE ME NAKED.

I'M PUNISHING THOSE PEOPLE.

OH.

COME ON. HOW CAN YOU NOT
FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS?

I MEAN,
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

AREN'T YOU THE LEAST
BIT SORRY? NO, I'M NOT.

WHAT?! THE ONLY
THING I'M SORRY ABOUT

IS WHAT I SPENT
THE MONEY THEY GAVE ME ON.

UH, THEY... THEY...
THEY GAVE YOU MONEY?

YEAH, AND, STUPIDLY,

I SPENT IT
ON THAT CHAIR FOR YOU.

THAT CHAIR?

YES!

MY CHAIR?

YES!

(grunting)

HUH.

WHAT THE HELL?

CHERYL? CHERYL?

HEY, HONEY.

CHERYL, WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU...

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
W-WHERE'S ALL OUR STUFF?

I PUT IT ON THE LAWN
WITH THE CHAIR.

WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW
THAT CHAIR REMINDED YOU

OF THE ONE ALLEGEDLY
STUPID THING I DID?

WELL, I DECIDED TO THROW OUT
ALL THE THINGS THAT REMIND ME

OF ALL THE TRULY STUPID STUFF
YOU'VE DONE.

TURNS OUT, YOU'VE DONE
A LOT OF STUPID STUFF.

WHAT? WHAT?
THE FRONT LAWN IS FILLED...

CHERYL, THE PIANO?

WHAT IS THE PIANO DOING
OUT THERE?

WELL, THE ONLY REASON
WE HAD THE PIANO

IS BECAUSE YOU CONVINCED
MY AUNT IT WAS BROKEN.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT?
SHE'S DEAF!

CHERYL, HOW DID YOU EVEN
GET THE PIANO OUTSIDE?

ANGER STRENGTH.

ANGER? YOU'RE ANGRY?
YES.

WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY ABOUT?
UGH!

I'M NOT
THE "OKEY-DOKEY" GIRL.

NO, YOU'RE THE JERK!

WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.

CHERYL,
YOU CANNOT BE MAD AT ME

FOR THE WAY
I'M BEING MAD AT YOU.

OH,
NOW YOU GET TO DECIDE

HOW I CAN BE MAD
AT THE WAY YOU'RE MAD?

YES...
IF I HEARD YOU CORRECTLY.

IF NOT, NO!
OH.

CHERYL, CHERYL, HOW DID YOU
EVEN GET THE STUFF

OUT OF THIS HOUSE?

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T DO IT.

IF ANDY HELPED YOU,
I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T BLAME ANDY.

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF.

OH, SO THIS IS THE WAY
IT'S GONNA BE, HUH?

YEAH, TILL YOU GET YOUR HEAD
OUT OF YOUR BUTT.

(chuckles) THAT'S NOT
GONNA HAPPEN, BLONDIE.

I HAPPEN
TO LIKE THE VIEW.

(scoffs)
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T NEED
ANY OF THIS STUFF ANYWAY.

SO THIS IS THE WAY
IT'S GONNA BE, HUH?

WELL,
IT'S GONNA BE THIS WAY

UNTIL YOU GROW UP
AND SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

WELL, I AM SORRY...

THAT YOU THINK
THAT'S EVER GONNA HAPPEN.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

SOMETHING'S DIFFERENT.

DID YOU CHANGE YOUR HAIR?

VERY FUNNY.

YOUR SISTER'S THE ONE THAT'S
OVERREACTING FOR A CHANGE.

OH, YEAH, AND YOU'RE
BEING SO LEVELHEADED.

WHAT? COME ON. TELL ME.

RYAN... DID HE GET OVER
YOU BEING IN THE VIDEO?

ACTUALLY, YEAH, HE DID,

BECAUSE I TOLD HIM
THAT I MADE A MISTAKE,

AND I WAS REALLY,
REALLY SORRY

THAT HE HAD TO FIND OUT
THE WAY HE DID.

RIGHT THERE, THAT'S IT.

THAT... THAT'S AN APOLOGY.
THAT'S ALL I NEED.

AN APOLOGY
AND MAYBE A SLIGHTLY BIGGER TV.

WHY CAN'T SHE APOLOGIZE?

WHY CAN'T SHE JUST SAY,
"I'M SORRY"?

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU

TRY LOOKING AT THIS
FROM CHERYL'S POINT OF VIEW?

OKEY-DOKEY.

I'M LISTENIN'.

THE TRUTH IS...

COME ON.

THE TRUTH IS
SHE IS SORRY.

OF COURSE SHE'S SORRY.

SHE WAS SORRY A HALF AN HOUR
AFTER SHE DID IT.

THAT'S WHY SHE TOOK
THE MONEY SHE MADE,

AND SHE SPENT IT
ON THAT CHAIR... FOR YOU.

OKAY. CAN YOU LOOK AT IT
FROM MY POINT OF VIEW?

DO I HAVE TO STICK
MY HEAD UP YOUR BUTT?

MY POINT OF VIEW...
REALLY SIMPLE...

SHE WAS THE ONE
THAT DID SOMETHING WRONG,

SO NO MATTER HOW I REACT,

SHE'S THE ONE
THAT HAS TO APOLOGIZE.

(sighs) IF I ADMIT
THAT YOU'RE RIGHT,

WILL YOU GIVE ME A DEAL
ON THAT SWORDFISH OUT THERE?

TAKE IT.
I STOLE IT FROM THE CHURCH.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT BELONGS
OUT ON JACKASS ISLAND.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I CALLED YOUR DEAF AUNT
AND APOLOGIZED.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU APOLOGIZED TO A DEAF PERSON
ON THE PHONE?

YES, THAT'S WHY
I TALKED TO HER VERY SLOWLY.

BESIDES,

AN APOLOGY IS NOT
ABOUT THE PERSON GETTING IT.

IT'S ABOUT
THE PERSON MAKING IT.

VERY SUBTLE, JIM.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M VERY TIRED.

I THINK
I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP.

GO AHEAD, SLEEP...

IF YOU CAN...

WITH THAT GUILTY CONSCIENCE
OF YOURS.

I DON'T HAVE
A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO JUMPED DOWN MY THROAT!

BECAUSE YOU SCREWED UP, HONEY.

OKAY,
THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT.

YES, IT IS THE POINT.

TRUST ME. I'VE BEEN DOWN
THAT ROAD MANY TIMES.

(scoffs)

YEAH, I'VE BEEN DOWN

THE SCREWUP EXPRESSWAY
SO MANY TIMES,

THEY'VE EVEN NAMED
A REST STOP AFTER ME.

THIS IS YOUR FIRST TRIP
DOWN THAT ROAD.

YOU WANT TO BE MAD AT ME

SO YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE MAD AT YOURSELF.

(chuckles)
I AM NOT MAD AT MYSELF.

(scoffs)

(chuckles) CHERYL,

NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY,
LOVES YOUR BOOBS MORE THAN ME.

SO WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
SHOW ME THE TAPE?

WHY'D...
NINE YEARS HAVE GONE BY.

WHAT, WERE YOU WAITING
FOR THE DIRECTOR'S CUT?

I MEAN,

COME ON, HONEY.

NO.

WELL, THEN... THEN...
THEN WHY?

(sighs)

I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE DONE IT.

(sighs) I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE
WHAT I DID IN THAT BAR.

I MEAN, I...

(sighs) I WASN'T
THINKING ABOUT YOU

OR OUR RELATIONSHIP
OR OUR FAMILY.

I JUST...

OH, HONEY.

I FEEL LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT.

I AM SO, SO SORRY.

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP.
IT'S NO BIGGIE.

VERY FUNNY,

BUT IT IS A BIGGIE.

IT'S A PAIR OF BIGGIES.

OH.

WHAT DO YOU SAY...

WE GO UPSTAIRS
AND HAVE SOME MAKEUP SEX?

WE DON'T HAVE A BED.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BED?

THE MANAGER
OF THE NURSING HOME CALLED.

WELL...

WE CAN DO IT
OUTSIDE ON THE BED.

JIM,
I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL.

I'LL GIVE YOU
A FREE T-SHIRT.

OKEY-DOKEY.