According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 5 - Good Grief - full transcript

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ALL RIGHTY.

OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING. WE'VE JUST NEVER
SEEN YOU CLEAN ANYTHING.

OH, WELL, MOMMY'S
GONNA BE HOME SOON,

AND I WANT EVERYTHING
TO LOOK NICE.

SO COME ON, GIVE ME A HAND HERE.
LET'S MAKE SURE THIS LOOKS NICE.

YOU KNOW, MOMMY'S COMING BACK
FROM THAT FUNERAL,

AND SHE'S GONNA BE VERY, VERY
SAD, SO LOT OF HUGS AND KISSES...

AND I JUST PUT THOSE
IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER!

PUT THAT DOWN,
PUT THAT DOWN.



WHO WAS
UNCLE DONALD AGAIN?

UNCLE DONALD
WAS GRANDPA'S OLDER BROTHER.

REMEMBER? THE ONE WHO LOST
HIS FINGER DURING THE WAR?

UNCLE DONALD HAD A FARM?

(all) ♪ EE-I-EE-I-OH ♪

AND ON THAT FARM
HE HAD A HEART ATTACK,

BUT WE DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THAT

WHEN MOM'S AROUND,
ALL RIGHT?

DADDY, WHAT HAPPENS
AFTER YOU DIE?

WELL... PEOPLE CRY
FOR A WHILE,

AND THEN
THEY SELL YOUR CLOTHES.

♪♪♪

(car horn honks)

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE HERE.



ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER...

WHAT DID WE HAVE FOR DINNER
THE LAST FEW NIGHTS? (children) PIZZA!

ALL RIGHT, AND WHAT ARE WE
GONNA TELL MOM WE HAD? SALAD!

BROCCOLI!
PIZZA!

OKAY, YOU DON'T
SAY ANYTHING.

JUST GIVE HER A HUG
AND GO RIGHT TO YOUR BEDROOM.

OKAY, GO, GO, GO, GO.
COME ON.

(all) MOMMY!
HEY, BABIES.

HI, HONEY. HOW YOU FEELING?
ALL RIGHT? OH, I'M OKAY.

WOW, LOOK, THE HOUSE
IS SPOTLESS... MM-HMM.

THE KIDS ARE ALL SCRUBBED.

WHAT'D YOU DO, SEND 'EM TO
ANOTHER FAMILY FOR THREE DAYS? OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M EXHAUSTED.

I'M GONNA GO LAY DOWN
FOR A LITTLE BIT. YES, YES.

COME ON, GO GET MOMMY'S BAGS.
LET'S GO. LET'S HELP HER HERE.

HEY, HONEY. WHAT'D YOU EAT
WHILE I WAS GONE?

(Jim) OKAY, GET THAT BAG.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, WELCOME BACK.
YEAH.

BOY, THAT FUNERAL MUST
HAVE BEEN ROUGH, HUH? MM.

HOW YOU FEELING?
A LITTLE SAD, YOU KNOW...

HEY, WANNA PLAY
SOME PING-PONG?

WHAT? PING-PONG. YOU
KNOW, GET THE BLOOD FLOWING?

I WAS IN THAT CAR
FOR THREE HOURS.

LET'S SMACK THE EGG AROUND
FOR A WHILE.

COME ON, YOU DON'T SEEM
THAT BROKEN UP

ABOUT YOUR UNCLE DONALD.
WASN'T A FAN.

ONE THANKSGIVING
WHEN ANDY WAS 12,

HE ASKED UNCLE DONALD
TO PASS THE MASHED POTATOES,

AND DONALD SAID,

"ANDREW, ARE YOU SURE
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA?"

GROUCHY OLD
4-FINGERED FART.

THAT'S WHY, TO THIS DAY,
I NEVER EAT MASHED POTATOES.

YOU EAT MASHED POTATOES
ALL THE TIME.

YES, BUT I'M BITTER
ABOUT IT. OH, COME ON.

I'M SORRY YOU GUYS
HAD TO GO THROUGH...

(Cheryl) HONEY?
YES?

COULD YOU BRING ME
SOME TISSUES?

I'M HERE FOR YOU, BABY.
ANYTHING YOU NEED.

YOU WANT SOME WATER? YOU
WANT SOMETHING TO EAT? WOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WOW"?

NO, I'VE JUST NEVER SEEN YOU
THIS GENTLE AND KIND BEFORE.

I WISH MORE
OF OUR RELATIVES WOULD DIE.

I WISH THEY WOULD
JUST LEAVE.

IS THERE ANY MORE PERFECT FOOD
THAN SOUP?

WARM, NOURISHING,
HELPS YOU WHEN YOU'RE SICK.

IT'S LIKE YOUR MOM
IN A BOWL.

GET, GET, GET. THAT SOUP
IS FOR CHERYL, NOT FOR YOU.

IS THERE ANY MORE PERFECT FOOD
THAN CRACKERS?

GIVE ME THAT.

JIM, HOW YOU COMING
WITH THAT SOUP?

OH, IT'S
ALMOST DONE, HONEY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

I'M HERE FOR YOU, BABY.

WOW, LOOK AT YOU...
JIMMY HOMEMAKER...

COOKING, CLEANING,
GOT THE KIDS ALL ORGANIZED.

IF YOU'RE AS GOOD IN THE BEDROOM
AS YOU ARE IN THE KITCHEN,

YOU'RE QUITE A CATCH.

I WOULD ROCK YOUR WORLD.

JIM, WOULD YOU PUT SOME OF THOSE
CRACKERS I LIKE IN THE SOUP?

I'M HERE FOR YOU, BABY.

HEY.
AH.

HEY, DANA.

DANA, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.

OH, FOR THE LAST TIME...
YES, IT'S RYAN'S BABY.

NO, YOU KNOW, HOW ARE YOU DOING
WITH THIS GRIEVING THING?

BECAUSE CHERYL'S HAVING
A HELL OF A TIME.

YEAH, I KNOW, AND THEY
WEREN'T EVEN THAT CLOSE.

I MEAN, I SPENT
WHOLE SUMMERS ON THE FARM.

I REMEMBER UNCLE DONALD
USED TO MAKE THIS BLUEBERRY PIE

THAT WAS SO GOOD,
AND HE'D SAY,

"COME ON, EAT UP, SKINNY-MINNY.
PUT SOME MEAT ON THOSE BONES."

SON OF A B...

JUST GIVE HER A COUPLE OF DAYS.
SHE'LL BE FINE.

YEAH.
HEY, THANKS FOR DOING THESE.

THESE ARE YOUR TOWELS?

YEAH, WELL, YOU'VE BEEN
DOING SO MUCH LAUNDRY LATELY,

I THOUGHT I'D SLIP 'EM IN.

HEY, IF YOU FIND ANY UNDERWEAR
YOUR SIZE WITH LACE ON 'EM,

THEY'RE MINE.

JIM, COULD YOU PUT
SOME BUTTER

ON THOSE CRACKERS?

ANDY, I DON'T KNOW
THAT MUCH ABOUT GRIEF,

BECAUSE EVERYBODY
THAT I'VE KNOWN THAT'S DIED,

I DIDN'T REALLY CARE FOR,

BUT I HEARD THAT,
YOU KNOW,

IT TAKES ONLY
ABOUT TWO WEEKS.

WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?

IN MY HEAD. THAT'S WHERE
I HEAR ALL THE STUFF.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

DANA'S OVER UNCLE DONALD,
AND CHERYL'S NOT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY WOULD SHE BE?

YOU WAIT ON HER
HAND AND FOOT.

SHE'S GOT THE SWEETEST DEAL
IN "CRYBABY COUNTY."

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

JIM...

SHE'S FAKING THIS
TO WORK YOU.

NO, CHERYL'S
NOT THAT DEVIOUS.

SHE'S BEEN MARRIED TO YOU
FOR 15 YEARS.

IT RUBS OFF.

OH, PLEASE.
NO, NO, NO.

I NEVER ONCE
ROCKED A VENDING MACHINE

BEFORE I MET YOU.

NOW I DON'T EVEN
CARRY CHANGE.

YOU DON'T CARRY CHANGE
'CAUSE I MADE FUN OF YOUR PURSE.

NOW COME ON.

OKAY, OKAY.

I'M OUT OF LINE.
YES.

SHE'S TOO GOOD.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH. SHE'S PROBABLY
JUST MOURNING HER DEAR UNCLE

THAT SHE HASN'T SEEN
SINCE 1994.

WAKE UP, JIM.

YOUR LITTLE PIXIE
HAS A DARK SIDE...

DARE I SAY... EVIL SIDE.

I WAS GOING THROUGH
YOUR MAIL...

WHEN I CAME ACROSS
THIS TRAVEL BROCHURE.

SHE'S WORKING YOU, MY FRIEND,
SO YOU'LL TAKE HER TO HAWAII.

SAY "ALOHA"
TO THE REAL CHERYL.

HAWAII? COME ON, I CAN'T EVEN
GET HER OFF THE COUCH,

LET ALONE HAWAII.
(whispers) I KNOW.

(mocking voice) BECAUSE
SHE'S SO VE-WY, VE-WY SAD.

(Cheryl) JIM?

THE SOUP?

(normal voice) HE'S HERE
FOR YOU, BABY.

MAHALO.

MMM.

OH, THAT SMELLS GOOD.

OH, I HOPE IT TASTES
AS GOOD AS IT SMELLS.

YEAH. IT'S NOT
TOO HOT, IS IT?

HERE, LET ME SEE.
(blows air)

(slurps)

PERFECT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HAVING MY LUNCH.

WELL, I THOUGHT
THAT WAS FOR ME.

OH, NO.
YOURS IS ON THE STOVE.

OH, AND BRING ME SOME PUDDING
AND A BEER, WILL YA?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU TELL ME.

JIM, WHY ARE YOU
ACTING THIS WAY?

ACTING.
THAT'S INTERESTING.

ACTING... MAKE-BELIEVE,
PRETEND, FAKING,

SNOW JOB, BUFFALO,
BALONEY,

BAMBOOZLE! I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE UP TO, WOMAN.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

OH, COME ON... THE SOUP,
THE BACK RUBS, THE LAUNDRY,

MAKING ME WATCH
"DRIVING MISS DAISY."

YOU BEEN PLAYING ME
PRETTY GOOD, TOOTS,

BUT THE GAME IS OVER.
WHAT... WHAT GAME?

YOU ARE FAKING THIS GRIEF OVER
YOUR UNCLE DONALD TO WORK ME.

WHAT? HOW COULD YOU
EVEN THINK THAT?

OH, BOO-HOO.

BOO-FREAKIN'-HOO.

HEY, YOU WANNA FEEL BETTER?

HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE TRIP TO HAWAII?

♪ I WANNA GO BACK
TO HAWAII ♪

♪ MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK ♪

♪ BACK-A, BACK-A,
BACK-A, HAWAII ♪

THAT'S WHAT
YOU THINK THIS IS?

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK
THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

BY THE TONE
OF YOUR VOICE,

I'M HAVING MY DOUBTS,
BUT GO ON.

MY UNCLE DONALD WAS
A DECORATED WORLD WAR II HERO.

HE SAW HUNDREDS OF HIS SHIPMATES
PERISH AT PEARL HARBOR.

HIS LAST WISH WAS TO HAVE HIS
ASHES STREWN WHERE THEY DIED.

I WAS HOPING
TO MAKE THAT POSSIBLE.

THERE'S
A LITTLE SOUP LEFT.

YEAH. EAT IT.

WHEW...

PEARL HARBOR.

I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

HEY, BABY.

HEY, JACKASS.

OH, WE'RE TALKING,
WE'RE TALKING.

THAT'S... THAT'S GOOD.

CUTE NAMES. THAT'S GOOD, TOO.
CUTE NAMES.

LOOK, CAN I AT LEAST
SAY SOMETHING IN MY DEFENSE?

DO YOU REALLY THINK
YOU HAVE A DEFENSE?

WELL, I HAVE ONE
UP HERE...

BUT IT MAY FALL APART
WHEN IT COMES OUT HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

REMEMBER, THE LAST THING YOU
WANNA DO IS MAKE THINGS WORSE.

THAT'S WHY
I'M TAKING MY TIME.

OKAY, SO YOU'RE
NOT WORKING ME.

BUT DANA SEEMS
TO BE OVER UNCLE DONALD,

AND I UNDERSTAND

THAT SHE WAS CLOSER TO HIM
THAN YOU WERE.

SO I WAS THINKING...

MAYBE WE COULD
TAKE A PAGE

FROM THOSE BRAVE MEN
WHO SURVIVED PEARL HARBOR AND...

YOU KNOW...

SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON.

(sighs)

I'VE MADE IT WORSE,
HAVEN'T I?

JUST TO BE CLEAR,
HE ACTUALLY USED THE WORDS,

"SUCK IT UP"?

YEAH, AND HERE'S
THE SCARY PART...

THAT WAS AFTER
GIVING IT A LOT OF THOUGHT.

UGH.

I'M TELLING YOU,
IN 15 YEARS,

I HAVE NEVER
BEEN THIS MAD AT HIM.

WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

YOUR SADNESS
HAS BEEN REPLACED BY ANGER.

ANGER, FURY, BITTERNESS.

YOU KNOW, I DO FEEL BETTER.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANTED
TO REALLY FEEL BETTER...

NAH, FORGET IT.
WHAT?

WELL, IT'S JUST,
MOST PEOPLE WOULD WANT REVENGE.

OH, DANA, "REVENGE"
IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD.

BUT IT'S
THE CORRECT ONE.

OH... OH...

DANA, COME ON.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW ME.

I-I COULD NEVER...

UNDERSTAND
UNLESS YOU EXPLAIN FURTHER.

OKAY.

JIM ALREADY FEELS SO GUILTY,
HE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU,

SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION,
HAVE FUN.

YOU COULD REALLY...

WELL, "PUNISH"
IS AN UGLY WORD.

BUT IT IS
THE CORRECT ONE.

JIM?

DO YOU THINK HE HEARD YOU?

(heavy footsteps)

HEY. YES?

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

AND THANKS
FOR CALLING ME "JIM."

DO YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE DELI
THAT HAS THE CORNED BEEF I LIKE?

IN... IN MILWAUKEE?

I THINK A SANDWICH FROM THERE
WOULD REALLY PICK ME UP.

I'LL BE BACK
IN FOUR HOURS.

(door shuts) I HAVE NEVER
BEEN PROUDER OF YOU.

WHEN HE GETS BACK,
I'M GONNA TELL HIM

HE FORGOT
THE POTATO SALAD.

I THINK I'M GONNA CRY.
AW.

I'M HERE FOR YOU, BABY.

(Cheryl) JIM?

YOU'RE GONNA PUT IN
THOSE LITTLE TINY MARSHMALLOWS

IN MY COCOA, RIGHT?

I'M HERE FOR YOU, BABY.

WHATCHA DOIN'?

THE BEREAVED WANTS COCOA.

WELL, HAS IT EVER OCCURRED
TO YOU THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,

CHERYL'S LAYING IT ON THICK
LIKE THIS JUST TO PUNISH YOU?

OF COURSE
IT'S OCCURRED TO ME.

I HAD TO GO TO IOWA
FOR ICE CREAM.

WELL, CALL HER ON IT.

THIS SLAVE-TOADY THING
IS PATHETIC.

YOU'RE LIKE ME
WITH A NEW GIRLFRIEND.

I CAN'T CALL HER
ON ANYTHING. NEVER AGAIN.

WHAT IF I'M WRONG?

IF I'M WRONG, I'LL BE
DOING NICE STUFF TILL I DIE.

(Cheryl with singsongy voice)
JIM, MY COCOA.

ALMOST DONE.

OH, I CAN'T
TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

HER LITTLE GAMES
ARE GNAWING AT ME

LIKE A STARVING COYOTE
RIPPING AT MY SALTY THIGHS.

YOU ARE UPSET.
THAT'S A HELL OF A METAPHOR.

I WANT REVENGE,
BUT... BUT I'M STUCK.

I DON'T HAVE A MOVE.

(whispers)
SPIT IN HER COCOA.

WHAT?

SPIT IN HER COCOA.
IT'S PERFECT.

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

NO, NO...
(normal voice) TRUST ME.

IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL
A WHOLE LOT BETTER.

I DO IT
ALL THE TIME AT WORK.

YOU WORK WITH ME!

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
LET'S STAY FOCUSED ON CHERYL.

I... I'M NOT GONNA SPIT
IN MY WIFE'S COCOA.

TAKE IT FROM A MAN WHO'S OFTEN
ANGRY AND ALWAYS POWERLESS.

DO IT, JIM.

DO IT.

(Cheryl) JIM?

JIM.

ODORLESS, COLORLESS.

(Cheryl) JIM!

(laughs evilly)

DOESN'T THAT FEEL GOOD?

NOW GO MAKE HER
DRINK IT.

LET HER TASTE YOUR ANGER.

HERE'S
YOUR HOT COCOA, DEAR.

OH.

BE CAREFUL.

IT'S VERY HOT.

MMM.

MMM.

MMM.

WAIT!

DON'T DRINK IT, CHERYL.

WHY NOT?

(sighs) CHERYL, LOOK.

I KNOW YOU'RE HAVING
A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW,

AND I'M NO JUDGE
OF THE GRIEF PROCESS,

BUT I'M REALLY
BEGINNING TO HATE YOU.

WHAT?

I JUST SPIT
IN YOUR COCOA.

WHAT?!

I KNOW.
IT SURPRISED ME, TOO.

WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON?

I JUST FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE STILL WORKING ME.

WELL, I AM WORKING YOU.
YOU WHAT?

YEAH, TOOTS,
AND YOU DESERVE IT.

AHA!

NO, NO, YOU ARE SO FAR
FROM AN "AHA," MISTER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'M ON
THE CORNER OF "A" AND "HA."

NO, JIM.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVEN'T UNDERSTOOD
WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH

FROM THE BEGINNING.

MY UNCLE DONALD
WAS MY DAD'S BIG BROTHER.

I CAUGHT MY FIRST FISH
WITH HIM AND MY DAD.

THEY TAUGHT ME HOW
TO RIDE A BIKE.

I SAT BETWEEN THEM

WHEN I WAS TOO AFRAID
TO RIDE ON THE FERRIS WHEEL.

AND, YOU KNOW,

THOSE ARE JUST 3
OF ABOUT 1,000 MEMORIES.

YOU KNOW, I'LL GET THROUGH
THE REST JUST AS FAST AS I CAN.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

OH, IT'S SAD, JIM.
IT'S JUST SAD.

I KNOW, I KNOW...
AND LOOK AT HER.

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY
REALLY FEELING THIS.

SHE'S SO UPSET RIGHT NOW,
AND I JUST BLEW THE WHOLE THING.

NOT THAT.

UNCLE DONALD
DIDN'T TAKE ME FISHING.

I NEVER RODE
A FERRIS WHEEL.

I JUST WANTED
MASHED POTATOES.

IS THAT SO WRONG?!

HEY.

WHEW.

I MADE SOME
NEW HOT COCOA FOR YOU.

100% SPIT-FREE.

(chuckles) I'D HAVE
DONE THE SAME THING...

FOLLOWED BY THAT.

MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

(sighs) YOU KNOW,
I WAS THINKING ABOUT, UH...

YOU KNOW, YOUR UNCLE DONALD

AND HOW IT REMINDED ME
ABOUT YOUR DAD

AND WHAT A GREAT GUY
HE WAS.

HE WAS THE BEST.
YEAH.

AND I ALSO THOUGHT ABOUT,

WHEN YOUR DAD DIED,

HOW IT SEEMED LIKE
YOU GOT OVER IT SO QUICKLY.

WELL, I HAD TO.

MY MOM COMPLETELY LOST IT.
THE KIDS WERE BABIES.

I HAD TO BE THERE
FOR ANDY AND DANA.

NO, NO, NO, I REMEMBER.

THAT'S WHY
I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU GOT SO UPSET
OVER UNCLE DONALD.

AND THEN IT HIT ME
THAT ALL THOSE STORIES

YOU WERE TELLING
ABOUT UNCLE DONALD

INCLUDED YOUR FATHER.

SO THEN I THOUGHT,

WELL, MAYBE YOU WERE THINKING
ABOUT YOUR DAD, TOO,

AND YOU'RE DOING NOW

WHAT YOU DIDN'T
GET TO DO BACK THEN.

I REALLY MISS MY DAD.

(weeping)

I KNOW, BABY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

YOU CAN MISS HIM.

WHY DON'T YOU DRINK
SOME OF THAT HOT COCOA

BEFORE IT GETS COLD?

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

ANYTHING.

WOULD YOU SIP
FROM BOTH OF THEM?

SERIOUSLY, DO IT.

(slurps)

(slurps)