According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 4 - Hoosier Daddy - full transcript
Jim & Cheryl try to celebrate their fifteenth wedding anniversary in a special way, but Dana seems to have other plans for them.
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---
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SLOW DOWN, HONEY. SLOW DOWN.
DAD, WE WANT THE FREEZE POPS
TO BE REALLY, REALLY BLUE.
YEAH, LIKE THE ONES
FROM THE STORE.
OH, NO, THE ONLY REASON
THOSE ARE REALLY, REALLY BLUE
IS BECAUSE
THEY'RE FILLED WITH CHEMICALS
THAT WILL MAKE YOUR TOES
FALL OFF WHEN YOU'RE 40.
HERE... FOOD COLORING.
THIS WILL BLUE IT UP
REALLY NICE.
ALL RIGHT, SON.
LET IT RIP.
HUH, THAT'S WEIRD.
HUH. MAYBE SOMETHING'S
STUCK IN THERE.
HEY, GRACIE,
TURN ON THE LIGHT
SO I CAN SEE
IF THE ICE IS STUCK IN HERE.
(blender whirs)
(shouting)
TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
(laughs)
NOW IT'S TOO BLUE.
♪♪♪
(all) HAPPY 15th ANNIVERSARY!
AH.
AND THEY SAID
IT WOULDN'T LAST.
ONLY YOUR SIDE
OF THE FAMILY, HONEY.
DANA, I THINK I HAVE YOUR
GINGER ALE. NO, THIS IS GINGER ALE.
WELL, I'M OFF TO BED. WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SIT DOWN, YOUNG LADY.
GIVE ME THAT. GRACIE.
IT'S TIME
WE TEACH HER A LESSON.
I SAY WE MAKE HER
FINISH THE BOTTLE
AND SMOKE A PACK OF
CIGARETTES. OH, GIVE HER A BREAK.
IF I HAD TO GROW UP
WITH JIM AS A FATHER,
I'D HIDE A FLASK
IN MY TEDDY BEAR.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A TEDDY BEAR.
YOU'D HAVE A REAL BEAR
OUT IN THE WOODS
WHERE I'D MAKE YOU LIVE.
JIM,
IF YOU WERE MY FATHER,
I'D CONSIDER MYSELF THE LUCKIEST
LITTLE BOY IN THE WORLD.
OKAY, NOW YOU'RE LIVING
IN THE WOODS WITH DANA.
SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
HAVE FUN.
HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE FUN
IF I WAS YOUR LITTLE BROTHER?
YOU'RE NOT LITTLE ANYTHING.
ARE YOU READY TO CELEBRATE
OUR 15th ANNIVERSARY
WITH A $15 ENTRéE?
YOU KNOW,
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS
SO MUCH MORE
THAN OUR FIFTH.
YEAH, THOSE TACOS
WERE REALLY GOOD.
BUT, HONEY, BEFORE WE GO,
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA DO WITH
YOU. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
BETWEEN THE T-BONE
AND THE DESSERT BAR,
I'M GONNA BE WAY TOO FULL LATER.
COME ON.
NO, NO, NO, NO, HONEY.
HONEY, NOT THAT. THIS.
THIS?
A REALLY OLD ENVELOPE?
(chuckles) NO, HONEY,
IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THE ENVELOPE.
WE WROTE THESE
ON OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY
AND SENT THEM
TO OURSELVES.
WOW.
AND THEY JUST GOT HERE?
NO. WE SAVED THEM.
IT'S OUR LIST OF EVERYTHING
WE WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH
BEFORE OUR 15th ANNIVERSARY.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
OH, LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE JUST
AS SENTIMENTAL AS I AM.
STAMPS WERE 25 CENTS.
OH.
WOW!
I'VE ACCOMPLISHED
ALL MY GOALS.
I HAVE THREE KIDS,
I'VE HELPED WELL OVER A HUNDRED
PEOPLE LESS FORTUNATE THAN ME,
AND I'VE MET ERIK ESTRADA.
READ IT.
IT'S KINDA SILLY.
THIS WAS YOUR DREAM
FOR YOURSELF 15 YEARS AGO.
HOW CAN THAT BE SILLY?
THAT'S 'CAUSE IT'S SILLY!
OH, HONEY.
IT'S STUPID.
OH, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, IT'S...
I DON'T KNOW.
BACK THEN I THOUGHT...
THAT IT'D BE REALLY COOL
IF BY TONIGHT,
WE HAD DONE IT IN EVERY STATE
OF THE BIG TEN CONFERENCE.
I DON'T KNOW.
WAIT. WHAT?!
HEY, BACK THEN I WAS A SUCKER
FOR ROMANCE JUST LIKE YOU.
WELL, DID WE DO IT
IN EVERY STATE?
NO.
ALL THE STATES BUT INDIANA.
NOT THAT I DIDN'T TRY.
OH, MY GOD.
IS THAT WHY YOU WERE
PUTTING THE MOVES ON ME
AT MY FATHER'S FUNERAL?
NO.
COME ON.
GOD TOOK YOUR FATHER
AND BROUGHT US TO INDIANA.
I-I MEAN, I SAW IT AS
A SIGN FROM ABOVE TO GO FOR IT.
AND, HONEY, YOU LOOKED
SO BEAUTIFUL THAT NIGHT.
YOUR EYES
WERE JUST SPARKLING.
I WAS CRYING.
CHERYL, I KNOW
IT SOUNDS CRAZY, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S A CRAZY GOAL,
BUT I...
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST THOUGHT
BACK THEN THAT...
(sighs)
I HATED SEEING COUPLES
AND HOW BORED THEY GOT
IN THEIR MARRIAGE,
AND I-I THOUGHT A COOL GOAL
LIKE THIS WOULD,
YOU KNOW,
KEEP IT SPARKED.
OH, HONEY,
WHEN YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT,
THE SWEETNESS KIND OF
BALANCES OUT THE CRAZY.
OH, I JUST... I FAILED.
OH, HONEY. UGH. I DID, HONEY.
I FAILED ON MY ONE GOAL.
NO, I DID.
I MEAN, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SURE, 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE,
I'VE BUILT A NICE BUSINESS,
I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL,
SUPPORTIVE WIFE,
I'VE GOT THREE CHILDREN
WHO ARE BEAUTIFUL AND HEALTHY,
BUT I BLEW THE ONE THING
THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I MEAN, THERE'S...
STILL SIX HOURS LEFT
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY AND...
INDIANA'S,
LIKE, 45 MINUTES AWAY.
WELL... (clicks tongue)
YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
OF COURSE I WOULD.
COME ON!
FIRE UP THAT MINIVAN,
GET ME ACROSS STATE LINES
AND HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME,
MISTER.
I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE
TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
LET'S GO!
OH, COME ON, BABY,
LET'S GO.
WELL, WE'RE HERE.
LET'S KNOCK ONE OUT.
OH, UH, HONEY,
HONEY, HOLD ON.
WHAT?
WELL,
SINCE IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY,
I WAS KINDA HOPING THAT WHEN
WE "KNOCKED ONE OUT,"
IT MIGHT AT LEAST
BE IN A HOTEL.
COME ON. THIS DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE THE GIRL THAT I MARRIED.
THE GIRL I MARRIED
THOUGHT THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR
WAS KIND OF ROMANTIC.
WELL, YES, BY A QUIET LAKE
UNDER A FULL MOON,
BUT NOT
ON THE RUNAWAY TRUCK LANE
OF AN INDIANA HIGHWAY.
YOU'RE KINDA STARTING TO MAKE
A BIG DEAL OF THIS, AREN'T YOU?
FINE.
$82.50?!
COME ON.
WE'RE ONLY GONNA BE HERE
AN HOUR.
WE DON'T RENT BY THE HOUR,
SIR.
WE'RE NOT
THAT KIND OF HOTEL,
BUT IF YOUR GIRL'S
A SPORT,
THERE'S A RUSTED OUT SCHOOL BUS
AROUND BACK.
COME ON, MAN.
THIS IS OUR ANNIVERSARY. WE CAME
ALL THE WAY FROM ILLINOIS.
OH, WOW, ILLINOIS!
I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS DEALING
WITH A WORLD TRAVELER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE "LAND
OF LINCOLN" SPECIAL... $82.50.
COME ON! LOOK, JUST GIVE US
15 MINUTES ALONE
TO CHECK IT OUT,
ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT FALLING
FOR THAT AGAIN.
YOU ILLINOISANS THINK
YOU CAN COME DOWN HERE
AND JUST DO YOUR DIRTY BUSINESS
AND THEN GO HOME FOR FREE?
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET
HORIZONTAL IN THE HOOSIER STATE,
IT'S $82.50.
HOW MUCH
IF WE DO IT VERTICALLY?
OH.
$82.50.
FINE, FINE.
I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.
FINE, FINE, HERE.
I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT.
WELCOME
TO THE SEA BREEZE.
THE SEA BREEZE?
OH, YEAH.
(foghorn blows, seagull calls)
(cell phone rings)
(ring)
HELLO?
DANA'S HAVING CONTRACTIONS,
AND IT'S REALLY FREAKING ME OUT.
WHAT DO I DO?
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE. SHE'S NOT
DUE FOR ANOTHER SIX WEEKS.
WELL, TELL THAT TO THE BABY,
'CAUSE IT'S TRYING TO COME OUT!
(groans loudly)
WHAT WAS THAT?
I STEPPED ON A CAT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?!
MY HUSBAND'S ON A PLANE,
AND MY BROTHER'S USELESS.
I NEED YOU.
COME HOME NOW.
OH, OH, OKAY, HONEY.
OKAY, CALM DOWN.
IT'S GONNA TAKE US
ABOUT AN HOUR TO GET TO YOU.
An hour?!
YEAH.
CHERYL, ARE YOU DOING DISHES
ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY?
(sighs)
NO, HONEY,
WE'RE IN INDIANA.
WE'RE GONNA GET THERE
AS SOON AS WE CAN.
(gasps) What's
wrong? Are you in pain?
OH, YES. M-MY BABY'S
GONNA BE AN ARIES.
HONEY, THAT'S OKAY.
JIM'S AN ARIES.
(Dana screams)
OKAY, OKAY. I-I-I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
I WILL GET THERE
AS SOON AS I CAN.
JIM, WE GOTTA GO.
DANA'S IN PREMATURE LABOR.
PREMATURE LABOR?
THAT'S SERIOUS.
YES, I KNOW.
WHAT'S
OUR LICENSE PLATE NUMBER?
JIM, STOP IT. ALL RIGHT. ALL
RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
DANA NEEDS ME,
AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT HER.
LET'S GO. YOU KNOW,
BESIDES WHAT, JIM,
I'M NEVER GONNA
BE ABLE TO ENJOY IT.
"ENJOY IT"?
WHOSE LIST IS THIS?
JIM!
FINE, FINE, FINE, FINE.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA NEED
MY MONEY BACK.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
IT'S ALREADY IN THE SYSTEM.
"SYSTEM"? IT'S A METAL BOX
WITH A HOLE IN IT.
I'M SORRY IT'S NOT ONE
OF YOUR FANCY ILLINOIS SYSTEMS.
WHAT... LOOK,
I'M AM NOT GONNA PAY
FOR A ROOM
THAT'S NOT BEING USED.
OH, IT'S GONNA GET USED.
(rings bell)
BRIANNA, GET YOUR STUFF
OUT OF THE SCHOOL BUS.
SHE'S SHY,
BUT SHE'S DIRTY.
(bell dings)
OH, WHERE ARE THEY?
WHERE ARE THEY, ALREADY?
UGH.
WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT,
EXACTLY?
JIM AND CHERYL. UGH.
HOW MANY GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE
HAVE YOU HAD?
(chuckles)
JUST A "GLOUPLE" OF CLASSES.
ANDY.
OH, OH, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY.
JIM AND CHERYL HAVE BEEN
MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS.
WHEN IS IT MY TURN?
WHEN DOES THIS "BUTTER-PILLAR"
TURN INTO A "CATER-FLY"?
HEY, HEY. NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO. STAY SITTING. OH.
OKAY,
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
A LITTLE DIZZY...
A LITTLE MELANCHOLY.
OH.
IT HURTS.
OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD GET YOU
TO THE HOSPITAL JUST TO BE SAFE. YEAH.
IF YOU WANT TO BE SAFE,
WE SHOULD GO TO A
HOSPITAL IN INDIANA. INDIANA?
JIM.
WHAT? THEY'RE ALWAYS SAFE
IN INDIANA.
STOP IT! OKAY, HONEY, HOW FAR
APART ARE YOUR CONTRACTIONS?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M STILL
HAVING THE ONE. "THE ONE"?
I TRIED TO TIME IT,
BUT THEN I STOPPED.
OH! OH, GOD.
IT'S GETTING WORSE.
OH, OH, OH.
OH. (passes gas)
OH.
OH, MY GOD. THAT...
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
IT WASN'T MY BABY.
IT WAS THE TWO BOWLS
OF POPCORN I ATE.
GREAT, CHERYL. WE DROVE
ALL THE WAY BACK FOR A FART?
SORRY.
LOOK, WE STILL GOT TIME
TO MAKE INDIANA.
COME ON, BABY.
THE DREAM LIVES ON. LET'S GO.
OH. HONEY,
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
(passes gas)
(clicks tongue)
OH, GOOD LORD.
I'M A LITTLE SPACEY.
WAS THAT ME OR YOU?
YOU.
WELL,
THEN YOU WON'T MIND THIS.
(passes gas)
(groans)
HEY. HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, IT'S MY WELL-HEELED FRIEND
FROM ILLINOIS.
I DIDN'T HEAR
YOUR LIMO PULL UP.
UH,
WE'D LIKE OUR ROOM BACK.
OH, I'M SORRY.
THAT ROOM IS UNAVAILABLE.
BRIANNA'S TAKING
A WELL-EARNED SHOWER. (chuckles)
WHAT?
OKAY, JIM, LET ME.
HI. I'M CHERYL.
DENNIS.
HI, DENNIS.
WE'D REALLY LIKE ANOTHER ROOM.
I'LL CHECK THE AVAILABILITY,
CHERYL.
OH, THANK YOU.
OKAY. (sighs)
DID YOU HAVE A RESERVATION?
WE HAD A WHOLE ROOM!
OH, LOOK,
SOMETHING JUST OPENED UP.
I'LL TAKE IT.
THAT WILL BE 200 BUCKS. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 200... NO.
OKAY, JIM, JIM, JIM, PLEASE TAKE IT. TAKE THE
ROOM. I'M NOT STAYING IN A ROOM FOR $280...
LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
WE ARE THIS CLOSE
TO ACHIEVING YOUR GOAL.
PLEASE DON'T BLOW IT
OVER $200.
(grunts)
OKAY. WE'LL TAKE IT.
DOES IT HAVE CABLE?
YES, BUT NO TV.
(emergency siren wailing)
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, NO. IT'S A TORNADO WARNING.
TORNADO?
YEAH,
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME
WHEN YOU LIVE NEAR A TRAILER
PARK. DON'T PUT IT IN THE SYSTEM!
OH, I'M SORRY.
GET EVERYONE OUT OF THEIR ROOMS
AND INTO THE SHELTER.
THIS PLACE IS GONNA COME APART
LIKE A CHEAP HOTEL IN A TORNADO.
YOU GUYS WILL BE FINE.
WE'RE NOT STAYING HERE.
WHY NOT? COME ON.
I PAID $282 FOR THIS ROOM...
JIM, JIM...
AND I'M GONNA GET MY...
JIM, FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY.
FORGET ABOUT THE BIG TEN.
WE'VE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
FINE.
GOOD!
WAIT A MINUTE. I'M NOT LEAVING
WITHOUT MY MONEY'S WORTH.
JIM, THERE'S A TORNADO! NO, I DON'T
CARE. I WANT MY MONEY'S WORTH.
COME ON. LOOK, LOST AND FOUND.
THERE'S GOOD STUFF IN HERE.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
OKAY, W-WAIT. GRAB THAT BELL.
(wind howling)
HEY,
LOOK AT THIS GUMBALL MACHINE.
(thunder crashes)
(man on radio) THE TORNADO
IS TRACKING EAST TO WEST
AND IS EXPECTED
TO TOUCH DOWN
NEAR THE ILLINOIS STATE LINE
WITHIN THE HOUR.
IF YOU'RE VISITING INDIANA,
THE SEA BREEZE OFFERS
FABULOUS BEDS AND...
(turns radio off)
BIG DEAL.
I DIDN'T GET INDIANA.
SO WHAT?
OH, HONEY.
NO, NO, REALLY.
IT'S OKAY, CHERYL. HONEST.
I'VE BEEN FOCUSED
ON THE WRONG THINGS.
MY BIG GOAL
SHOULD HAVE BEEN
MY WIFE, MY FAMILY,
PEOPLE I LOVE.
NOT A LIST OF STATES
THAT I CAN DO IT IN.
I HAVE NEVER
WANTED YOU MORE.
COME ON. PULL OVER. WE'VE GOT
TEN MINUTES BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
(exhales deeply) I SHOULD HAVE
DEEP THOUGHTS MORE OFTEN.
ALL RIGHT.
(rattling)
EH, EH, ARE... ARE
WE NEAR A TRAIN TRACK?
TRAIN TRACK?
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW.
SOUNDS LIKE IT.
WHAT THE...
OH, NO!
OH.
AAH! OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU SURE WE DROVE AWAY
FROM THE TORNADO?
I KNOW WHICH WAY WEST IS,
CHERYL.
IT'S THE SAME DIRECTION THAT...
THAT COW IS FLYING.
OH.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. THERE'S
A FARMHOUSE ACROSS THAT FIELD.
WE GOTTA
MAKE A RUN FOR IT, FAST!
WHAT... WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LIKE THREE OR FOUR MINUTES FAST
OR NOW FAST?
(scoffs)
JIM, IF YOU WANNA SIT HERE
AND CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY
BY YOURSELF, BE MY GUEST.
YOU THINK
IT WOULD STILL COUNT?
UGH. COME ON. NOW!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
CHERYL? CHERYL!
(thunderclap)
(grunting)
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY!
(thunderclap)
COME ON.
AAH!
(grunting)
AAH!
COME ON. COME ON.
GET DOWN THERE.
COME ON. HURRY UP.
(groaning)
JIM, YOU DON'T NEED THAT.
GET IN HERE!
I DO NEED IT.
OH, AAH!
OH, HONEY. OH, NO.
GOT IT? OH.
(screams)
(grunting)
JIM!
WHAT?
PAPER!
(screaming and grunting)
OH, GOT IT.
OH, CHERYL.
FINALLY.
WE'RE SAFE.
YOU KNOW, JIM,
WE'VE STILL GOT FIVE MINUTES
BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
REALLY?
IT'S NOT THE SEA BREEZE,
BUT I THINK IT'LL DO.
(laughs)
HERE.
OH. AAH!
(growls)
OH, MY GOD.
OH, CHERYL.
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
OH.
HOW ABOUT THIS NIGHT,
HUH?
I KNOW.
I MEAN,
THAT STUPID MOTEL...
DANA'S FARTS...
AND NOW A TORNADO.
MAN, WHY DO YOU
GO THROUGH THIS WITH ME?
OH, WELL, YOU SEE, HONEY,
WHILE YOU'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET ME
IN ALL THE BIG TEN STATES,
MM-HMM.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ON
A BAG OF CORN IN A STORM CELLAR.
(laughs)
YOU ARE A GOOD SPORT.
(chuckles)
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, HONEY,
FOUR MINUTES.
OH.
OH. HOLD THAT.
HOLD THAT.
WHAT?
LET ME SET THE MOOD.
WHAT?
(foghorn blows, seagull calls)
WHEW.
OOH, BABY.
(laughs)
(giggles)
WELL, HONEY,
HAPPY 15th ANNIVERSARY.
OH.
WELCOME TO THE BIG TEN.
THANK YOU.
THAT WAS REALLY FUN.
HEY, WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
HOW ABOUT FOR THE NEXT 15th...
MM.
WE DO IT ON ALL THE GREAT
BEACHES OF THE WORLD?
HOW ABOUT WE TAKE THE OCEAN TAPE
HOME, DO IT IN BED?
THAT WAY WE WON'T
GET SAND UP OUR BUTTS.
(electricity crackles)
LOOK,
THE POWER'S COMING BACK.
HI.
HI.
HOW ARE YA? UH...
I WOULDN'T EAT THIS CORN
IF I WAS YOU.
---
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SLOW DOWN, HONEY. SLOW DOWN.
DAD, WE WANT THE FREEZE POPS
TO BE REALLY, REALLY BLUE.
YEAH, LIKE THE ONES
FROM THE STORE.
OH, NO, THE ONLY REASON
THOSE ARE REALLY, REALLY BLUE
IS BECAUSE
THEY'RE FILLED WITH CHEMICALS
THAT WILL MAKE YOUR TOES
FALL OFF WHEN YOU'RE 40.
HERE... FOOD COLORING.
THIS WILL BLUE IT UP
REALLY NICE.
ALL RIGHT, SON.
LET IT RIP.
HUH, THAT'S WEIRD.
HUH. MAYBE SOMETHING'S
STUCK IN THERE.
HEY, GRACIE,
TURN ON THE LIGHT
SO I CAN SEE
IF THE ICE IS STUCK IN HERE.
(blender whirs)
(shouting)
TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
(laughs)
NOW IT'S TOO BLUE.
♪♪♪
(all) HAPPY 15th ANNIVERSARY!
AH.
AND THEY SAID
IT WOULDN'T LAST.
ONLY YOUR SIDE
OF THE FAMILY, HONEY.
DANA, I THINK I HAVE YOUR
GINGER ALE. NO, THIS IS GINGER ALE.
WELL, I'M OFF TO BED. WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SIT DOWN, YOUNG LADY.
GIVE ME THAT. GRACIE.
IT'S TIME
WE TEACH HER A LESSON.
I SAY WE MAKE HER
FINISH THE BOTTLE
AND SMOKE A PACK OF
CIGARETTES. OH, GIVE HER A BREAK.
IF I HAD TO GROW UP
WITH JIM AS A FATHER,
I'D HIDE A FLASK
IN MY TEDDY BEAR.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A TEDDY BEAR.
YOU'D HAVE A REAL BEAR
OUT IN THE WOODS
WHERE I'D MAKE YOU LIVE.
JIM,
IF YOU WERE MY FATHER,
I'D CONSIDER MYSELF THE LUCKIEST
LITTLE BOY IN THE WORLD.
OKAY, NOW YOU'RE LIVING
IN THE WOODS WITH DANA.
SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
HAVE FUN.
HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE FUN
IF I WAS YOUR LITTLE BROTHER?
YOU'RE NOT LITTLE ANYTHING.
ARE YOU READY TO CELEBRATE
OUR 15th ANNIVERSARY
WITH A $15 ENTRéE?
YOU KNOW,
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS
SO MUCH MORE
THAN OUR FIFTH.
YEAH, THOSE TACOS
WERE REALLY GOOD.
BUT, HONEY, BEFORE WE GO,
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA DO WITH
YOU. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
BETWEEN THE T-BONE
AND THE DESSERT BAR,
I'M GONNA BE WAY TOO FULL LATER.
COME ON.
NO, NO, NO, NO, HONEY.
HONEY, NOT THAT. THIS.
THIS?
A REALLY OLD ENVELOPE?
(chuckles) NO, HONEY,
IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THE ENVELOPE.
WE WROTE THESE
ON OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY
AND SENT THEM
TO OURSELVES.
WOW.
AND THEY JUST GOT HERE?
NO. WE SAVED THEM.
IT'S OUR LIST OF EVERYTHING
WE WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH
BEFORE OUR 15th ANNIVERSARY.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
OH, LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE JUST
AS SENTIMENTAL AS I AM.
STAMPS WERE 25 CENTS.
OH.
WOW!
I'VE ACCOMPLISHED
ALL MY GOALS.
I HAVE THREE KIDS,
I'VE HELPED WELL OVER A HUNDRED
PEOPLE LESS FORTUNATE THAN ME,
AND I'VE MET ERIK ESTRADA.
READ IT.
IT'S KINDA SILLY.
THIS WAS YOUR DREAM
FOR YOURSELF 15 YEARS AGO.
HOW CAN THAT BE SILLY?
THAT'S 'CAUSE IT'S SILLY!
OH, HONEY.
IT'S STUPID.
OH, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, IT'S...
I DON'T KNOW.
BACK THEN I THOUGHT...
THAT IT'D BE REALLY COOL
IF BY TONIGHT,
WE HAD DONE IT IN EVERY STATE
OF THE BIG TEN CONFERENCE.
I DON'T KNOW.
WAIT. WHAT?!
HEY, BACK THEN I WAS A SUCKER
FOR ROMANCE JUST LIKE YOU.
WELL, DID WE DO IT
IN EVERY STATE?
NO.
ALL THE STATES BUT INDIANA.
NOT THAT I DIDN'T TRY.
OH, MY GOD.
IS THAT WHY YOU WERE
PUTTING THE MOVES ON ME
AT MY FATHER'S FUNERAL?
NO.
COME ON.
GOD TOOK YOUR FATHER
AND BROUGHT US TO INDIANA.
I-I MEAN, I SAW IT AS
A SIGN FROM ABOVE TO GO FOR IT.
AND, HONEY, YOU LOOKED
SO BEAUTIFUL THAT NIGHT.
YOUR EYES
WERE JUST SPARKLING.
I WAS CRYING.
CHERYL, I KNOW
IT SOUNDS CRAZY, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S A CRAZY GOAL,
BUT I...
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST THOUGHT
BACK THEN THAT...
(sighs)
I HATED SEEING COUPLES
AND HOW BORED THEY GOT
IN THEIR MARRIAGE,
AND I-I THOUGHT A COOL GOAL
LIKE THIS WOULD,
YOU KNOW,
KEEP IT SPARKED.
OH, HONEY,
WHEN YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT,
THE SWEETNESS KIND OF
BALANCES OUT THE CRAZY.
OH, I JUST... I FAILED.
OH, HONEY. UGH. I DID, HONEY.
I FAILED ON MY ONE GOAL.
NO, I DID.
I MEAN, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SURE, 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE,
I'VE BUILT A NICE BUSINESS,
I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL,
SUPPORTIVE WIFE,
I'VE GOT THREE CHILDREN
WHO ARE BEAUTIFUL AND HEALTHY,
BUT I BLEW THE ONE THING
THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I MEAN, THERE'S...
STILL SIX HOURS LEFT
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY AND...
INDIANA'S,
LIKE, 45 MINUTES AWAY.
WELL... (clicks tongue)
YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
OF COURSE I WOULD.
COME ON!
FIRE UP THAT MINIVAN,
GET ME ACROSS STATE LINES
AND HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME,
MISTER.
I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE
TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
LET'S GO!
OH, COME ON, BABY,
LET'S GO.
WELL, WE'RE HERE.
LET'S KNOCK ONE OUT.
OH, UH, HONEY,
HONEY, HOLD ON.
WHAT?
WELL,
SINCE IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY,
I WAS KINDA HOPING THAT WHEN
WE "KNOCKED ONE OUT,"
IT MIGHT AT LEAST
BE IN A HOTEL.
COME ON. THIS DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE THE GIRL THAT I MARRIED.
THE GIRL I MARRIED
THOUGHT THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR
WAS KIND OF ROMANTIC.
WELL, YES, BY A QUIET LAKE
UNDER A FULL MOON,
BUT NOT
ON THE RUNAWAY TRUCK LANE
OF AN INDIANA HIGHWAY.
YOU'RE KINDA STARTING TO MAKE
A BIG DEAL OF THIS, AREN'T YOU?
FINE.
$82.50?!
COME ON.
WE'RE ONLY GONNA BE HERE
AN HOUR.
WE DON'T RENT BY THE HOUR,
SIR.
WE'RE NOT
THAT KIND OF HOTEL,
BUT IF YOUR GIRL'S
A SPORT,
THERE'S A RUSTED OUT SCHOOL BUS
AROUND BACK.
COME ON, MAN.
THIS IS OUR ANNIVERSARY. WE CAME
ALL THE WAY FROM ILLINOIS.
OH, WOW, ILLINOIS!
I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS DEALING
WITH A WORLD TRAVELER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE "LAND
OF LINCOLN" SPECIAL... $82.50.
COME ON! LOOK, JUST GIVE US
15 MINUTES ALONE
TO CHECK IT OUT,
ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT FALLING
FOR THAT AGAIN.
YOU ILLINOISANS THINK
YOU CAN COME DOWN HERE
AND JUST DO YOUR DIRTY BUSINESS
AND THEN GO HOME FOR FREE?
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET
HORIZONTAL IN THE HOOSIER STATE,
IT'S $82.50.
HOW MUCH
IF WE DO IT VERTICALLY?
OH.
$82.50.
FINE, FINE.
I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.
FINE, FINE, HERE.
I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT.
WELCOME
TO THE SEA BREEZE.
THE SEA BREEZE?
OH, YEAH.
(foghorn blows, seagull calls)
(cell phone rings)
(ring)
HELLO?
DANA'S HAVING CONTRACTIONS,
AND IT'S REALLY FREAKING ME OUT.
WHAT DO I DO?
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE. SHE'S NOT
DUE FOR ANOTHER SIX WEEKS.
WELL, TELL THAT TO THE BABY,
'CAUSE IT'S TRYING TO COME OUT!
(groans loudly)
WHAT WAS THAT?
I STEPPED ON A CAT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?!
MY HUSBAND'S ON A PLANE,
AND MY BROTHER'S USELESS.
I NEED YOU.
COME HOME NOW.
OH, OH, OKAY, HONEY.
OKAY, CALM DOWN.
IT'S GONNA TAKE US
ABOUT AN HOUR TO GET TO YOU.
An hour?!
YEAH.
CHERYL, ARE YOU DOING DISHES
ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY?
(sighs)
NO, HONEY,
WE'RE IN INDIANA.
WE'RE GONNA GET THERE
AS SOON AS WE CAN.
(gasps) What's
wrong? Are you in pain?
OH, YES. M-MY BABY'S
GONNA BE AN ARIES.
HONEY, THAT'S OKAY.
JIM'S AN ARIES.
(Dana screams)
OKAY, OKAY. I-I-I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
I WILL GET THERE
AS SOON AS I CAN.
JIM, WE GOTTA GO.
DANA'S IN PREMATURE LABOR.
PREMATURE LABOR?
THAT'S SERIOUS.
YES, I KNOW.
WHAT'S
OUR LICENSE PLATE NUMBER?
JIM, STOP IT. ALL RIGHT. ALL
RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
DANA NEEDS ME,
AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT HER.
LET'S GO. YOU KNOW,
BESIDES WHAT, JIM,
I'M NEVER GONNA
BE ABLE TO ENJOY IT.
"ENJOY IT"?
WHOSE LIST IS THIS?
JIM!
FINE, FINE, FINE, FINE.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA NEED
MY MONEY BACK.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
IT'S ALREADY IN THE SYSTEM.
"SYSTEM"? IT'S A METAL BOX
WITH A HOLE IN IT.
I'M SORRY IT'S NOT ONE
OF YOUR FANCY ILLINOIS SYSTEMS.
WHAT... LOOK,
I'M AM NOT GONNA PAY
FOR A ROOM
THAT'S NOT BEING USED.
OH, IT'S GONNA GET USED.
(rings bell)
BRIANNA, GET YOUR STUFF
OUT OF THE SCHOOL BUS.
SHE'S SHY,
BUT SHE'S DIRTY.
(bell dings)
OH, WHERE ARE THEY?
WHERE ARE THEY, ALREADY?
UGH.
WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT,
EXACTLY?
JIM AND CHERYL. UGH.
HOW MANY GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE
HAVE YOU HAD?
(chuckles)
JUST A "GLOUPLE" OF CLASSES.
ANDY.
OH, OH, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY.
JIM AND CHERYL HAVE BEEN
MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS.
WHEN IS IT MY TURN?
WHEN DOES THIS "BUTTER-PILLAR"
TURN INTO A "CATER-FLY"?
HEY, HEY. NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO. STAY SITTING. OH.
OKAY,
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
A LITTLE DIZZY...
A LITTLE MELANCHOLY.
OH.
IT HURTS.
OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD GET YOU
TO THE HOSPITAL JUST TO BE SAFE. YEAH.
IF YOU WANT TO BE SAFE,
WE SHOULD GO TO A
HOSPITAL IN INDIANA. INDIANA?
JIM.
WHAT? THEY'RE ALWAYS SAFE
IN INDIANA.
STOP IT! OKAY, HONEY, HOW FAR
APART ARE YOUR CONTRACTIONS?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M STILL
HAVING THE ONE. "THE ONE"?
I TRIED TO TIME IT,
BUT THEN I STOPPED.
OH! OH, GOD.
IT'S GETTING WORSE.
OH, OH, OH.
OH. (passes gas)
OH.
OH, MY GOD. THAT...
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
IT WASN'T MY BABY.
IT WAS THE TWO BOWLS
OF POPCORN I ATE.
GREAT, CHERYL. WE DROVE
ALL THE WAY BACK FOR A FART?
SORRY.
LOOK, WE STILL GOT TIME
TO MAKE INDIANA.
COME ON, BABY.
THE DREAM LIVES ON. LET'S GO.
OH. HONEY,
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
(passes gas)
(clicks tongue)
OH, GOOD LORD.
I'M A LITTLE SPACEY.
WAS THAT ME OR YOU?
YOU.
WELL,
THEN YOU WON'T MIND THIS.
(passes gas)
(groans)
HEY. HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, IT'S MY WELL-HEELED FRIEND
FROM ILLINOIS.
I DIDN'T HEAR
YOUR LIMO PULL UP.
UH,
WE'D LIKE OUR ROOM BACK.
OH, I'M SORRY.
THAT ROOM IS UNAVAILABLE.
BRIANNA'S TAKING
A WELL-EARNED SHOWER. (chuckles)
WHAT?
OKAY, JIM, LET ME.
HI. I'M CHERYL.
DENNIS.
HI, DENNIS.
WE'D REALLY LIKE ANOTHER ROOM.
I'LL CHECK THE AVAILABILITY,
CHERYL.
OH, THANK YOU.
OKAY. (sighs)
DID YOU HAVE A RESERVATION?
WE HAD A WHOLE ROOM!
OH, LOOK,
SOMETHING JUST OPENED UP.
I'LL TAKE IT.
THAT WILL BE 200 BUCKS. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 200... NO.
OKAY, JIM, JIM, JIM, PLEASE TAKE IT. TAKE THE
ROOM. I'M NOT STAYING IN A ROOM FOR $280...
LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
WE ARE THIS CLOSE
TO ACHIEVING YOUR GOAL.
PLEASE DON'T BLOW IT
OVER $200.
(grunts)
OKAY. WE'LL TAKE IT.
DOES IT HAVE CABLE?
YES, BUT NO TV.
(emergency siren wailing)
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, NO. IT'S A TORNADO WARNING.
TORNADO?
YEAH,
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME
WHEN YOU LIVE NEAR A TRAILER
PARK. DON'T PUT IT IN THE SYSTEM!
OH, I'M SORRY.
GET EVERYONE OUT OF THEIR ROOMS
AND INTO THE SHELTER.
THIS PLACE IS GONNA COME APART
LIKE A CHEAP HOTEL IN A TORNADO.
YOU GUYS WILL BE FINE.
WE'RE NOT STAYING HERE.
WHY NOT? COME ON.
I PAID $282 FOR THIS ROOM...
JIM, JIM...
AND I'M GONNA GET MY...
JIM, FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY.
FORGET ABOUT THE BIG TEN.
WE'VE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
FINE.
GOOD!
WAIT A MINUTE. I'M NOT LEAVING
WITHOUT MY MONEY'S WORTH.
JIM, THERE'S A TORNADO! NO, I DON'T
CARE. I WANT MY MONEY'S WORTH.
COME ON. LOOK, LOST AND FOUND.
THERE'S GOOD STUFF IN HERE.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
OKAY, W-WAIT. GRAB THAT BELL.
(wind howling)
HEY,
LOOK AT THIS GUMBALL MACHINE.
(thunder crashes)
(man on radio) THE TORNADO
IS TRACKING EAST TO WEST
AND IS EXPECTED
TO TOUCH DOWN
NEAR THE ILLINOIS STATE LINE
WITHIN THE HOUR.
IF YOU'RE VISITING INDIANA,
THE SEA BREEZE OFFERS
FABULOUS BEDS AND...
(turns radio off)
BIG DEAL.
I DIDN'T GET INDIANA.
SO WHAT?
OH, HONEY.
NO, NO, REALLY.
IT'S OKAY, CHERYL. HONEST.
I'VE BEEN FOCUSED
ON THE WRONG THINGS.
MY BIG GOAL
SHOULD HAVE BEEN
MY WIFE, MY FAMILY,
PEOPLE I LOVE.
NOT A LIST OF STATES
THAT I CAN DO IT IN.
I HAVE NEVER
WANTED YOU MORE.
COME ON. PULL OVER. WE'VE GOT
TEN MINUTES BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
(exhales deeply) I SHOULD HAVE
DEEP THOUGHTS MORE OFTEN.
ALL RIGHT.
(rattling)
EH, EH, ARE... ARE
WE NEAR A TRAIN TRACK?
TRAIN TRACK?
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW.
SOUNDS LIKE IT.
WHAT THE...
OH, NO!
OH.
AAH! OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU SURE WE DROVE AWAY
FROM THE TORNADO?
I KNOW WHICH WAY WEST IS,
CHERYL.
IT'S THE SAME DIRECTION THAT...
THAT COW IS FLYING.
OH.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. THERE'S
A FARMHOUSE ACROSS THAT FIELD.
WE GOTTA
MAKE A RUN FOR IT, FAST!
WHAT... WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LIKE THREE OR FOUR MINUTES FAST
OR NOW FAST?
(scoffs)
JIM, IF YOU WANNA SIT HERE
AND CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY
BY YOURSELF, BE MY GUEST.
YOU THINK
IT WOULD STILL COUNT?
UGH. COME ON. NOW!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
CHERYL? CHERYL!
(thunderclap)
(grunting)
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY!
(thunderclap)
COME ON.
AAH!
(grunting)
AAH!
COME ON. COME ON.
GET DOWN THERE.
COME ON. HURRY UP.
(groaning)
JIM, YOU DON'T NEED THAT.
GET IN HERE!
I DO NEED IT.
OH, AAH!
OH, HONEY. OH, NO.
GOT IT? OH.
(screams)
(grunting)
JIM!
WHAT?
PAPER!
(screaming and grunting)
OH, GOT IT.
OH, CHERYL.
FINALLY.
WE'RE SAFE.
YOU KNOW, JIM,
WE'VE STILL GOT FIVE MINUTES
BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
REALLY?
IT'S NOT THE SEA BREEZE,
BUT I THINK IT'LL DO.
(laughs)
HERE.
OH. AAH!
(growls)
OH, MY GOD.
OH, CHERYL.
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
OH.
HOW ABOUT THIS NIGHT,
HUH?
I KNOW.
I MEAN,
THAT STUPID MOTEL...
DANA'S FARTS...
AND NOW A TORNADO.
MAN, WHY DO YOU
GO THROUGH THIS WITH ME?
OH, WELL, YOU SEE, HONEY,
WHILE YOU'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET ME
IN ALL THE BIG TEN STATES,
MM-HMM.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ON
A BAG OF CORN IN A STORM CELLAR.
(laughs)
YOU ARE A GOOD SPORT.
(chuckles)
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, HONEY,
FOUR MINUTES.
OH.
OH. HOLD THAT.
HOLD THAT.
WHAT?
LET ME SET THE MOOD.
WHAT?
(foghorn blows, seagull calls)
WHEW.
OOH, BABY.
(laughs)
(giggles)
WELL, HONEY,
HAPPY 15th ANNIVERSARY.
OH.
WELCOME TO THE BIG TEN.
THANK YOU.
THAT WAS REALLY FUN.
HEY, WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
HOW ABOUT FOR THE NEXT 15th...
MM.
WE DO IT ON ALL THE GREAT
BEACHES OF THE WORLD?
HOW ABOUT WE TAKE THE OCEAN TAPE
HOME, DO IT IN BED?
THAT WAY WE WON'T
GET SAND UP OUR BUTTS.
(electricity crackles)
LOOK,
THE POWER'S COMING BACK.
HI.
HI.
HOW ARE YA? UH...
I WOULDN'T EAT THIS CORN
IF I WAS YOU.