According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 3 - Guinea Pygmalion - full transcript
Jim debates on how to tell the family that he doesn't think the family pet is worth an operation.
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I'M NOT DOING IT!
I SAID DO IT!
I AM NOT DOING IT!
WHOA!
(grunting)
GET UP. GET UP!
AAH. AAH, AAH!
YOU ARE A GUEST IN MY HOUSE.
YOU DO AS I SAY!
I BROUGHT
THE CHIPS AND BEER.
AAH!
AAH!
HUH, WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING?
SOME PAIN!
OW!
(grunting)
GET UP!
OH, I SAID DO IT!
OKAY, OKAY,
I'LL DO... I'LL DO IT!
WHAT CHANNEL?
9.
WE REALLY GOTTA FIND
THAT REMOTE.
(sighs)
VOLUME.
NEVER!
OH!
♪♪♪
COME ON, FLUFFY. JUMP!
DO YOUR TRICK.
JUMP, LITTLE DOG.
YOU KNOW WHAT, KIDS? I THINK
HE'S JUST NOT IN THE MOOD,
AND, KYLE, YOU'RE KIDDING WHEN
YOU SAY "LITTLE DOG," RIGHT?
YES.
COULD YOU NOT DO THAT?
IT SCARES MOMMY. OKAY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
HEY. FLUFFY WON'T JUMP.
SURE, HE WILL.
HERE, LET ME LIGHT A MATCH.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I THINK HE'S SICK.
HE HASN'T BEEN EATING.
AND HIS NOSE ISN'T WET
LIKE A DOG'S SHOULD BE.
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
JIM, I REALLY THINK
WE NEED TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET.
OKAY. KIDS, GO AHEAD.
GET FLUFFY'S CAGE.
OKAY, I GOT IT, CHERYL.
THE VET.
I'LL TAKE HIM...
TO THE VET.
NO, JIM, I MEAN
REALLY TAKE HIM TO THE VET.
DON'T DROP HIM IN THE WOODS
BEHIND THE LUMBERYARD.
COME ON.
THOSE WOODS ARE PARADISE.
UGH.
I DROP ANDY OFF THERE
WHEN HE DRINKS TOO MUCH.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE KIDS' 3-LEGGED MOUSE?
HOW'D HE LIKE IT, HUH?
(chuckles) LITTLE TRIPOD? YES.
HE WAS NEVER HAPPIER WHEN HE
WOBBLED OFF TO THAT TREE LINE.
LOOK, JIM, COME ON.
I THINK YOU REALLY NEED
TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET.
(sighs) ALL RIGHT.
UH, WHERE'S THE VET?
YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS. YOU'VE
BEEN THERE, LIKE, FIVE TIMES.
NO, I... HAVEN'T.
WHOA, HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY, IT'S 50 BUCKS
JUST TO WALK IN THIS PLACE.
I'M GETTING SOMETHING
FOR IT.
WOW.
50 BUCKS? (scoffs)
FOR 50 BUCKS
YOU COULD BUY 6 NEW FLUFFIES
AND A PINT
OF PREMIUM ICE CREAM.
SO I HAVE GOOD NEWS.
DR. ZAVRANSKI FOUND
YOUR GUINEA PIG'S PROBLEM.
OH, GREAT.
GREAT? IT'S A MIRACLE.
HEY THERE.
I BELIEVE
ALL LIFE IS SACRED.
IN FACT, I OPERATE
MY OWN PRIVATE MONKEY PRESERVE.
I'M ANDY,
AND I DON'T WEAR FUR.
THAT'S A...
NICE LEATHER JACKET.
HEAR THAT?
CHICKS DIG THE JACKET.
UH, HELEN, COULD YOU PLEASE
PUT OUT SOME MORE DOGGIE TREATS?
HI.
HELLO.
ARE YOU FLUFFY'S FATHER?
I LIKE TO THINK SO, BUT...
LOOKS A LOT
LIKE THE MAILMAN.
SO WHAT'S FLUFFY GOT?
AN ERASER BLOCKING
HIS INTESTINE.
HE NEEDS SURGERY.
OTHERWISE, HE'LL DIE
A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.
CAN YOU MAKE IT
A QUICK AND PLEASANT DEATH?
FORGIVE ME,
BUT I DON'T FIND THE SUFFERING
OF ANIMALS VERY AMUSING.
DO YOU FIND ANYTHING
AMUSING?
WELL, YEAH,
HERE'S A GOOD ONE.
THE SURGERY
WILL COST YOU $2,100.
(laughs)
$2,100?
YEAH.
I WOULDN'T GET AN ERASER
OUT OF MY WIFE FOR $2,100.
EXCUSE ME.
UH, IS HELEN ALLOWED
TO DATE FRIENDS OF PATIENTS,
OS IS SHE RESERVED
FOR THE DOCTOR?
SHE'S MY DAUGHTER.
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
LOOK, IF YOU WANT
TO SAVE SOME MONEY,
PERHAPS YOU COULD TAKE FLUFFY
HOME AND SQUEEZE HIM REAL HARD
AND SEE IF THE ERASER
JUST SHOOTS OUT.
I TRIED THAT
ON THE WAY IN.
JUST MADE HIS EYES
BULGE A LITTLE BIT.
THAT SOME MORE
ANIMAL HUMOR?
OH, YES, IT IS.
HERE.
HEY, CHERYL.
HEY.
(gasps) HOW'S FLUFFY?
WELL, HE NEEDS SURGERY.
IT COSTS 2,100 BUCKS.
OH, MY GOD.
WHEN'S IT SCHEDULED FOR?
WELL, THE SAME DAY
THAT $2,100 FALLS FROM THE SKY.
OKAY, OKAY, NOW, HONEY,
I-I KNOW IT'S A LOT OF MONEY,
BUT WE'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO FIND A WAY
TO MAKE SOME CUTBACKS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
FIRST CUTBACK...
FLUFFY THE GUINEA PIG.
NO! WE CAN'T JUST LET HIM DIE.
HE'S PART OF THIS FAMILY.
PART OF THE FAMILY?
YES.
IN ORDER TO BE
PART OF THIS FAMILY, HONEY,
YOU SHOULD AT LEAST
BE ABLE TO CALL MY NAME
OR BRING ME FOOD
OR FETCH A BALL.
FOR GOD SAKES, KYLE JUST
MADE IT UNDER THE WIRE.
YOU KNOW, JIM, SOME THINGS ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY.
EVEN IF THAT WAS TRUE,
GUINEA PIGS
AREN'T ON THAT LIST.
LOOK, JIM, HE IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO THIS FAMILY.
AND AS CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER
OF THIS FAMILY,
I AM DECLARING
A $200 LIMIT ON PETS.
AFTER THAT, THERE'S
A LITTLE PIECE OF THE YARD
THAT'S GONNA GET
A LITTLE BIT GREENER.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
ONE THING, CHIEF,
THE KIDS
ARE GONNA BE DEVASTATED.
YEAH, THE KIDS.
YEAH.
IT'S GONNA BE ROUGH ON THEM.
I KNOW.
HEY, KIDS,
COME ON IN HERE.
LOOK, I'M GONNA
GET WASHED UP FOR DINNER.
IF THEY START CRYING,
I'LL EAT UPSTAIRS.
JIM!
YAY! FLUFFY'S BACK!
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
HI, FLUFFY.
(Kyle) WE MISSED YOU.
UM, KIDS, WHY DON'T YOU
COME DOWN HERE FOR A MINUTE?
DADDY'S GONNA EXPLAIN TO YOU
WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH FLUFFY.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK MOMMY COULD DO IT
MUCH BETTER THAN DADDY.
WELL, WE'LL NEVER REALLY KNOW
TILL DADDY TRIES.
(chuckles) ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KIDS ARE OLD ENOUGH NOW.
I COULD TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, RIGHT?
WELL,
FLUFFY SWALLOWED AN ERASER,
AND HE NEEDS A $2,100 SURGERY.
SO HE'S GONNA BE OKAY?
(all) YAY!
YAY!
OKAY, OKAY.
OKAY, WHEN WE GOT FLUFFY,
BRAND-NEW,
HE COST 8 BUCKS, OKAY?
WHEN WE DROVE HIM
OUT OF THE PET STORE,
YOU CUT THAT IN HALF.
AND WITH AN ERASER
IN HIS GULLET,
HIS BLUE BOOK VALUE
IS $2, $2.50, TOPS.
SO I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU,
FLUFFY HAS BEEN TOTALED.
YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE
ON MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
KYLE,
FLUFFY... GUINEA PIG.
WE HAVE TO SAVE FLUFFY.
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT WE COULD GET WITH $2,100
FOR THIS FAMILY?
WE COULD GET A JET SKI,
OR A RIDING LAWN MOWER,
OR A DIRT BIKE...
OR SOMETHING
YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE.
SO FLUFFY'S GOING TO DIE.
(sighs)
COME HERE, KIDS. LISTEN.
EVERYBODY
IS GONNA DIE SOMEDAY...
ME, MOMMY...
THE THREE OF YOU.
(all screaming)
OH, YOU KNOW...
THAT IS TOO BAD.
I REALLY WANTED
TO VIDEOTAPE
WHEN THE KIDS FOUND OUT
THEY WERE GONNA DIE SOMEDAY.
THAT LITTLE FUR BALL
IS THE CUTEST, SWEETEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.
OH, THANK YOU.
WHAT'S HE HERE FOR?
OH, I'M PUTTING HIM DOWN.
THEY BUILT A MALL
BEHIND THE LUMBERYARD.
HEY, JIM.
ANDY,
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
MY ROUND-TRIP TICKET
TO HELEN'S HEART
AND ALL NEARBY ATTRACTIONS.
HIS NAME'S ICARUS.
IF HELEN ASKS, I'VE RAISED HIM
SINCE HE WAS A CUB.
BIRDS DON'T HAVE CUBS.
FINE. CALF, KITTEN, TODDLER...
THE POINT IS,
WHEN THE EGG CRACKED,
I'M THE FACE HE SAW.
AND I'M A MILLIONAIRE.
DON'T BLOW THIS.
WHY WOULD I...
I'M NOT GONNA...
ANDREA, YOU CAN
BRING ESMERELDA TO...
HOLY CRAP!
HELLO AGAIN, HELEN.
MIGHT I INVITE YOU
TO EXAMINE MY BIRD?
WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT THING?
OH, JIM,
YOU'VE SEEN HIM A HUNDRED TIMES.
ICARUS KEEPS AN EYE ON THINGS
AT THE MONKEY PRESERVE.
YEAH, I-I-I'M SORRY,
BUT WE DON'T HANDLE FALCONS.
FALCON?
I ASKED FOR AN EAGLE.
WHAT THE HELL? OH!
AAH! ICARUS, COME BACK!
UM, HE, UH...
HE PROBABLY SMELLS
A LOOSE CHIMP.
I'LL CALL YOU!
ICKY! ICKY! HAND!
UH, UH, JIM, WE'RE
JUST ABOUT READY FOR FLUFFY,
SO YOU MIGHT WANNA SAY
YOUR FINAL GOOD-BYES.
OH, YEAH, SURE. THANKS.
SEE YA.
HEY, JIM, HOLD ON.
OVER HERE.
OVER HERE IN THE OUT BOX,
YOU IDIOT.
ALL RIGHT, FLUFFY,
DON'T MESS WITH MY HEAD NOW.
LOOK, I THINK YOU'RE
MAKING A BIG MISTAKE HERE.
LISTEN, YOU'VE HAD A RICH, FULL
EIGHT MONTHS OF LIFE, ALL RIGHT?
HEY, LOOK, THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.
IT'S ABOUT YOU.
OH, IT IS?
YEAH.
WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE
GOING INTO HIS LAST SHOE BOX.
OH, IS THAT RIGHT?
WELL, YOU'RE MISSING
THE BIG PICTURE HERE, MISTER.
YOU NEED ME.
I CAN HELP YOU.
COME A LITTLE CLOSER.
COME HERE.
CAN YOU GRANT WISHES?
JUST ONE. I COULD TAKE YOU
FROM A ZERO TO A HERO.
A HERO? I DON'T WANT TO BE
A HERO. I'M NOT LOOKING TO...
HEY, COME ON NOW.
LISTEN TO ME.
THINK OF THE LOOK
ON YOUR KIDS' FACES
WHEN THEY SEE ME AFTER
THE SURGERY, AS GOOD AS NEW.
♪ TA-DA! ♪
(gasps) OH!
(men)
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ AND SO SAY ALL OF US, HEY ♪
YOU SEE, JIM,
ISN'T IT WORTH $2,100
FOR YOUR KIDS TO KNOW
WHAT A GOOD GUY YOU ARE?
I'M NOT THAT GOOD.
AH, COME ON, JIM. SOME THINGS
ARE MORE IMPORTANT THEN MONEY.
WHY DOES EVERYONE
KEEP SAYING THAT?
AND LOOK AT MY LITTLE NOSE.
I'M ADORABLE, HUH?
STOP IT!
YEAH.
JUST STOP IT.
STOP LOOKING SO DAMN CUTE.
OH, IT'S THE LAB COAT.
IT REALLY IS SLIMMING,
DON'T YOU THINK?
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D LIKE TO PUSH ON WITH THIS.
I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF NEUTERINGS
LATER THIS AFTERNOON,
AND THOSE DOGS
DON'T CASTRATE THEMSELVES.
WAIT, DOC...
DOC, HOLD ON A SECOND.
I WANT TO SAVE FLUFFY.
I'LL PAY FOR THE SURGERY.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
HELEN,
CANCEL THE NEUTERINGS.
YOU'VE JUST MADE ONE GUINEA PIG
AND TWO DOGS VERY HAPPY.
SO, UH, HOW DO YOU WANT
TO PAY FOR THAT?
OH, WITH MY KIDS'
COLLEGE FUND.
I MEAN, THE LITTLE ONE THINKS
HE'S A DOG, ANYWAY, SO...
HE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT
TO COLLEGE.
(laughs)
WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT
TO TELL YOU ABOUT FLUFFY.
THE LAST THING HE SAID WAS,
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JIMMY,
FOR SAVING MY LIFE!"
FLUFFY LIVES!
♪ TA-DA! ♪
OH, COME ON. I THOUGHT
THERE'D BE SOME APPLAUSE,
SOME BALLOONS...
AM I IN THE WRONG HOUSE?
THAT'S NOT FLUFFY.
WHAT?
WELL, JIM,
IT IS KIND OF OBVIOUS.
YOU JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER
GUINEA PIG FROM THE PET STORE.
WHAT?!
THIS IS FLUFFY!
LOOK, THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY.
OKAY, NOW I KNOW
YOU'RE LYING.
WE'RE NOT IDIOTS.
YEAH, WHERE'S OUR DOG?
IT'S FLUFFY.
KIDS, IT'S FLUFFY.
I'M TELLING YOU THIS
IS FLUFFY! OKAY, OKAY.
IF THIS IS FLUFFY...
FLUFFY, JUMP. JUMP.
HONEY, HE JUST HAD SURGERY,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
AFTER YOUR C-SECTION,
YOU DIDN'T SHOVEL SNOW
FOR THREE DAYS.
COME ON. GIVE HIM A BREAK.
YOU GOT A RECEIPT
FROM THE VET?
IS IT REALLY
THAT HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT I WOULD
DO SOMETHING GOOD?
(all) YES.
FINE, FINE. FINE.
FORGET IT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANNA BELIEVE,
BECAUSE I KNOW
WHAT I DID FOR FLUFFY,
AND HE KNOWS
WHAT I DID FOR HIM.
NOW I'M GONNA GO AND GIVE HIM
SOME EXPENSIVE MEDICINE,
MAKE SOME SPECIAL FOOD
AND NURSE HIM BACK TO HEALTH,
SO HE CAN
JUMP OFF THIS BANISTER
AND PROVE TO ALL OF YA
YOU'RE WRONG!
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
MY HAND TELLS ME
THAT THE SURGERY WAS SUCCESSFUL.
(Captain & Tennille)
♪ MUSKRAT, MUSKRAT ♪
♪ CANDLELIGHT ♪
♪ DOIN' THE TOWN
AND DOIN' IT RIGHT ♪
♪ IN THE EVENING ♪
♪ IT'S PRETTY PLEASING ♪
♪ MUSKRAT SUZIE, MUSKRAT SAM ♪
♪ DO THE JITTERBUG
AT A MUSKRAT LAND ♪
♪ AND THEY SHIMMY ♪
♪ SAM IS SO SKINNY ♪
♪ AND THEY WHIRL AND THEY TWIRL
AND THEY TANGO ♪
♪ SINGIN' AND JINGIN' A JANGLE ♪
♪ FLOAT LIKE THE HEAVENS ABOVE ♪
♪ LOOKS LIKE MUSKRAT LOVE ♪
♪ NIBBLIN' ON BACON ♪
♪ CHEWIN' ON CHEESE ♪
♪ SAM SAYS TO SUZIE ♪
♪ "HONEY, WOULD YOU PLEASE
BE MY MISSUS?" ♪
♪ SUZIE SAYS YES... ♪
IN TEN YEARS OF FATHERHOOD,
YOU'VE NEVER ONCE
COOKED FOR YOUR KIDS,
BUT YOU'RE COOKING
FOR FLUFFY?
WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THIS
OUT LOUD, BUT FINE...
I LIKE FLUFFY BETTER.
♪ MUZZLE TO MUZZLE ♪
♪ NOW ANYTHING GOES
AS THEY WRIGGLE ♪
♪ SUE STARTS TO GIGGLE ♪
♪ AND THEY WHIRL AND THEY TWIRL
AND THEY TANGO ♪
♪ SINGIN'
AND JINGIN' A JANGLE... ♪
I WOULDN'T TRADE YOU
FOR ANYTHING...
♪ FLOATING
LIKE THE HEAVENS ABOVE ♪
♪ LOOKS LIKE MUSKRAT LOVE ♪
ANYTHING.
WHAT IS IT, FLUFFY?
WHAT IS IT, BOY?
(sniffs)
OH, MY GOD, MY GOD! FIRE!
FIRE! EVERYBODY OUT!
EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
THERE'S A FIRE!
EVERYONE HERE?
YEAH, WE'RE ALL HERE.
WE'RE OKAY.
FLUFFY! WHERE'S FLUFFY?
HE'S IN THE HOUSE.
I GOTTA GO BACK AND GET HIM.
NO, IT'S DANGEROUS!
NO, I GOTTA GO!
SO HE'S STICKING WITH
THE FLUFFY STORY? OH...
(coughs)
FLUFFY, WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, SORRY I LEFT YOU.
FLUFFY! FLUFFY...
FLUFFY!
OH, THERE YOU ARE, BOY.
OKAY, HOLD YOUR BREATH
AND STAY LOW.
DON'T QUIT ON ME.
COME ON.
I GOT HIM. I GOT HIM.
(coughs)
OH, UM, HONEY...
THAT... THAT'S...
THAT'S MY SLIPPER.
CRAP!
JIM, YOU CAN'T GO BACK!
DON'T STOP ME.
I LOVE THE LITTLE GUY.
LOOK, IN THE WINDOW!
(gasps)
FLUFFY.
MY GOD, FLUFFY.
FLUFFY.
JUMP!
FLUFFY, PLEASE JUMP.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT
TO THIS FAMILY.
YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME.
JUMP!
(Jim claps)
UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO
FROM FLUFFY TO CRISPY, JUMP!
YES!
DADDY, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
THANK YOU, DADDY!
THAT WAS SO COOL!
THAT WAS COOL!
OH, MY GOD!
FLUFFY!
UGH. HONEY,
I FEEL AWFUL.
IT WAS THE REAL FLUFFY
ALL ALONG.
I NEVER SHOULD'VE
DOUBTED YOU.
WELL, SO NOW
YOU'LL NEVER DOUBT ME AGAIN?
LET'S JUST LEAVE IT
WHERE IT IS.
HEY, HEY,
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
WELL, THERE WASN'T
MUCH OF A FIRE,
JUST A LOT OF SMOKE FROM
THE STOVE. OH, THAT'S A RELIEF.
HONESTLY, IS HOMEMADE GUINEA PIG
FOOD REALLY NECESSARY?
IF YOUR GUINEA PIG
IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, THEN IT IS.
MY DADDY'S A HERO!
(laughs) OH, PLEASE.
YOU KNOW, DON'T FEEL BAD.
YOU DID YOUR PART.
(Cheryl) THANK YOU.
OH, MY GOD. WE HEARD THE SIREN.
WHAT HAPPENED?
DADDY WAS AWESOME.
HE SAVED US,
AND HE SAVED FLUFFY.
YEAH, YOU WERE BRAVE,
HONEY.
YEAH, DADDY.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
OH, THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
THAT MEANS A LOT.
IT MEANS EVERYTHING.
AND WE LOVE FLUFFY, AND WE'RE
GONNA LOVE HIM FOREVER AND EVER.
ACTUALLY, THEY GO
ABOUT FIVE YEARS.
AND THEN
YOU MULTIPLY THAT BY SEVEN.
WH... WHERE... WHERE IS FLUFFY?
OH, I SEE HIM.
HE'S ON THE PORCH.
OH.
(falcon shrieks)
(gasps)
OH, MY GOD, ICARUS!
FLUFFY, NO! NO, FLUFFY!
FLUFFY!
OH, MY GOD!
(gasps)
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
OH, JIM, THIS IS AWFUL.
CHERYL, I PROMISE
I WILL FIND A WAY TO REPLACE...
THAT SLIPPER OF
YOURS. (laughs) (gasps)
AW!
OH!
HI, FLUFFY!
(laughs) OH, MY GOD,
HERE HE COMES. HERE HE COMES.
(all scream)
ICARUS! ICARUS!
---
I'M NOT DOING IT!
I SAID DO IT!
I AM NOT DOING IT!
WHOA!
(grunting)
GET UP. GET UP!
AAH. AAH, AAH!
YOU ARE A GUEST IN MY HOUSE.
YOU DO AS I SAY!
I BROUGHT
THE CHIPS AND BEER.
AAH!
AAH!
HUH, WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING?
SOME PAIN!
OW!
(grunting)
GET UP!
OH, I SAID DO IT!
OKAY, OKAY,
I'LL DO... I'LL DO IT!
WHAT CHANNEL?
9.
WE REALLY GOTTA FIND
THAT REMOTE.
(sighs)
VOLUME.
NEVER!
OH!
♪♪♪
COME ON, FLUFFY. JUMP!
DO YOUR TRICK.
JUMP, LITTLE DOG.
YOU KNOW WHAT, KIDS? I THINK
HE'S JUST NOT IN THE MOOD,
AND, KYLE, YOU'RE KIDDING WHEN
YOU SAY "LITTLE DOG," RIGHT?
YES.
COULD YOU NOT DO THAT?
IT SCARES MOMMY. OKAY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
HEY. FLUFFY WON'T JUMP.
SURE, HE WILL.
HERE, LET ME LIGHT A MATCH.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I THINK HE'S SICK.
HE HASN'T BEEN EATING.
AND HIS NOSE ISN'T WET
LIKE A DOG'S SHOULD BE.
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
JIM, I REALLY THINK
WE NEED TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET.
OKAY. KIDS, GO AHEAD.
GET FLUFFY'S CAGE.
OKAY, I GOT IT, CHERYL.
THE VET.
I'LL TAKE HIM...
TO THE VET.
NO, JIM, I MEAN
REALLY TAKE HIM TO THE VET.
DON'T DROP HIM IN THE WOODS
BEHIND THE LUMBERYARD.
COME ON.
THOSE WOODS ARE PARADISE.
UGH.
I DROP ANDY OFF THERE
WHEN HE DRINKS TOO MUCH.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE KIDS' 3-LEGGED MOUSE?
HOW'D HE LIKE IT, HUH?
(chuckles) LITTLE TRIPOD? YES.
HE WAS NEVER HAPPIER WHEN HE
WOBBLED OFF TO THAT TREE LINE.
LOOK, JIM, COME ON.
I THINK YOU REALLY NEED
TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET.
(sighs) ALL RIGHT.
UH, WHERE'S THE VET?
YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS. YOU'VE
BEEN THERE, LIKE, FIVE TIMES.
NO, I... HAVEN'T.
WHOA, HEY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY, IT'S 50 BUCKS
JUST TO WALK IN THIS PLACE.
I'M GETTING SOMETHING
FOR IT.
WOW.
50 BUCKS? (scoffs)
FOR 50 BUCKS
YOU COULD BUY 6 NEW FLUFFIES
AND A PINT
OF PREMIUM ICE CREAM.
SO I HAVE GOOD NEWS.
DR. ZAVRANSKI FOUND
YOUR GUINEA PIG'S PROBLEM.
OH, GREAT.
GREAT? IT'S A MIRACLE.
HEY THERE.
I BELIEVE
ALL LIFE IS SACRED.
IN FACT, I OPERATE
MY OWN PRIVATE MONKEY PRESERVE.
I'M ANDY,
AND I DON'T WEAR FUR.
THAT'S A...
NICE LEATHER JACKET.
HEAR THAT?
CHICKS DIG THE JACKET.
UH, HELEN, COULD YOU PLEASE
PUT OUT SOME MORE DOGGIE TREATS?
HI.
HELLO.
ARE YOU FLUFFY'S FATHER?
I LIKE TO THINK SO, BUT...
LOOKS A LOT
LIKE THE MAILMAN.
SO WHAT'S FLUFFY GOT?
AN ERASER BLOCKING
HIS INTESTINE.
HE NEEDS SURGERY.
OTHERWISE, HE'LL DIE
A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.
CAN YOU MAKE IT
A QUICK AND PLEASANT DEATH?
FORGIVE ME,
BUT I DON'T FIND THE SUFFERING
OF ANIMALS VERY AMUSING.
DO YOU FIND ANYTHING
AMUSING?
WELL, YEAH,
HERE'S A GOOD ONE.
THE SURGERY
WILL COST YOU $2,100.
(laughs)
$2,100?
YEAH.
I WOULDN'T GET AN ERASER
OUT OF MY WIFE FOR $2,100.
EXCUSE ME.
UH, IS HELEN ALLOWED
TO DATE FRIENDS OF PATIENTS,
OS IS SHE RESERVED
FOR THE DOCTOR?
SHE'S MY DAUGHTER.
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
LOOK, IF YOU WANT
TO SAVE SOME MONEY,
PERHAPS YOU COULD TAKE FLUFFY
HOME AND SQUEEZE HIM REAL HARD
AND SEE IF THE ERASER
JUST SHOOTS OUT.
I TRIED THAT
ON THE WAY IN.
JUST MADE HIS EYES
BULGE A LITTLE BIT.
THAT SOME MORE
ANIMAL HUMOR?
OH, YES, IT IS.
HERE.
HEY, CHERYL.
HEY.
(gasps) HOW'S FLUFFY?
WELL, HE NEEDS SURGERY.
IT COSTS 2,100 BUCKS.
OH, MY GOD.
WHEN'S IT SCHEDULED FOR?
WELL, THE SAME DAY
THAT $2,100 FALLS FROM THE SKY.
OKAY, OKAY, NOW, HONEY,
I-I KNOW IT'S A LOT OF MONEY,
BUT WE'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO FIND A WAY
TO MAKE SOME CUTBACKS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
FIRST CUTBACK...
FLUFFY THE GUINEA PIG.
NO! WE CAN'T JUST LET HIM DIE.
HE'S PART OF THIS FAMILY.
PART OF THE FAMILY?
YES.
IN ORDER TO BE
PART OF THIS FAMILY, HONEY,
YOU SHOULD AT LEAST
BE ABLE TO CALL MY NAME
OR BRING ME FOOD
OR FETCH A BALL.
FOR GOD SAKES, KYLE JUST
MADE IT UNDER THE WIRE.
YOU KNOW, JIM, SOME THINGS ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY.
EVEN IF THAT WAS TRUE,
GUINEA PIGS
AREN'T ON THAT LIST.
LOOK, JIM, HE IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO THIS FAMILY.
AND AS CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER
OF THIS FAMILY,
I AM DECLARING
A $200 LIMIT ON PETS.
AFTER THAT, THERE'S
A LITTLE PIECE OF THE YARD
THAT'S GONNA GET
A LITTLE BIT GREENER.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
ONE THING, CHIEF,
THE KIDS
ARE GONNA BE DEVASTATED.
YEAH, THE KIDS.
YEAH.
IT'S GONNA BE ROUGH ON THEM.
I KNOW.
HEY, KIDS,
COME ON IN HERE.
LOOK, I'M GONNA
GET WASHED UP FOR DINNER.
IF THEY START CRYING,
I'LL EAT UPSTAIRS.
JIM!
YAY! FLUFFY'S BACK!
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
HI, FLUFFY.
(Kyle) WE MISSED YOU.
UM, KIDS, WHY DON'T YOU
COME DOWN HERE FOR A MINUTE?
DADDY'S GONNA EXPLAIN TO YOU
WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH FLUFFY.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK MOMMY COULD DO IT
MUCH BETTER THAN DADDY.
WELL, WE'LL NEVER REALLY KNOW
TILL DADDY TRIES.
(chuckles) ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KIDS ARE OLD ENOUGH NOW.
I COULD TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, RIGHT?
WELL,
FLUFFY SWALLOWED AN ERASER,
AND HE NEEDS A $2,100 SURGERY.
SO HE'S GONNA BE OKAY?
(all) YAY!
YAY!
OKAY, OKAY.
OKAY, WHEN WE GOT FLUFFY,
BRAND-NEW,
HE COST 8 BUCKS, OKAY?
WHEN WE DROVE HIM
OUT OF THE PET STORE,
YOU CUT THAT IN HALF.
AND WITH AN ERASER
IN HIS GULLET,
HIS BLUE BOOK VALUE
IS $2, $2.50, TOPS.
SO I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU,
FLUFFY HAS BEEN TOTALED.
YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE
ON MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
KYLE,
FLUFFY... GUINEA PIG.
WE HAVE TO SAVE FLUFFY.
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT WE COULD GET WITH $2,100
FOR THIS FAMILY?
WE COULD GET A JET SKI,
OR A RIDING LAWN MOWER,
OR A DIRT BIKE...
OR SOMETHING
YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE.
SO FLUFFY'S GOING TO DIE.
(sighs)
COME HERE, KIDS. LISTEN.
EVERYBODY
IS GONNA DIE SOMEDAY...
ME, MOMMY...
THE THREE OF YOU.
(all screaming)
OH, YOU KNOW...
THAT IS TOO BAD.
I REALLY WANTED
TO VIDEOTAPE
WHEN THE KIDS FOUND OUT
THEY WERE GONNA DIE SOMEDAY.
THAT LITTLE FUR BALL
IS THE CUTEST, SWEETEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.
OH, THANK YOU.
WHAT'S HE HERE FOR?
OH, I'M PUTTING HIM DOWN.
THEY BUILT A MALL
BEHIND THE LUMBERYARD.
HEY, JIM.
ANDY,
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
MY ROUND-TRIP TICKET
TO HELEN'S HEART
AND ALL NEARBY ATTRACTIONS.
HIS NAME'S ICARUS.
IF HELEN ASKS, I'VE RAISED HIM
SINCE HE WAS A CUB.
BIRDS DON'T HAVE CUBS.
FINE. CALF, KITTEN, TODDLER...
THE POINT IS,
WHEN THE EGG CRACKED,
I'M THE FACE HE SAW.
AND I'M A MILLIONAIRE.
DON'T BLOW THIS.
WHY WOULD I...
I'M NOT GONNA...
ANDREA, YOU CAN
BRING ESMERELDA TO...
HOLY CRAP!
HELLO AGAIN, HELEN.
MIGHT I INVITE YOU
TO EXAMINE MY BIRD?
WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT THING?
OH, JIM,
YOU'VE SEEN HIM A HUNDRED TIMES.
ICARUS KEEPS AN EYE ON THINGS
AT THE MONKEY PRESERVE.
YEAH, I-I-I'M SORRY,
BUT WE DON'T HANDLE FALCONS.
FALCON?
I ASKED FOR AN EAGLE.
WHAT THE HELL? OH!
AAH! ICARUS, COME BACK!
UM, HE, UH...
HE PROBABLY SMELLS
A LOOSE CHIMP.
I'LL CALL YOU!
ICKY! ICKY! HAND!
UH, UH, JIM, WE'RE
JUST ABOUT READY FOR FLUFFY,
SO YOU MIGHT WANNA SAY
YOUR FINAL GOOD-BYES.
OH, YEAH, SURE. THANKS.
SEE YA.
HEY, JIM, HOLD ON.
OVER HERE.
OVER HERE IN THE OUT BOX,
YOU IDIOT.
ALL RIGHT, FLUFFY,
DON'T MESS WITH MY HEAD NOW.
LOOK, I THINK YOU'RE
MAKING A BIG MISTAKE HERE.
LISTEN, YOU'VE HAD A RICH, FULL
EIGHT MONTHS OF LIFE, ALL RIGHT?
HEY, LOOK, THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.
IT'S ABOUT YOU.
OH, IT IS?
YEAH.
WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE
GOING INTO HIS LAST SHOE BOX.
OH, IS THAT RIGHT?
WELL, YOU'RE MISSING
THE BIG PICTURE HERE, MISTER.
YOU NEED ME.
I CAN HELP YOU.
COME A LITTLE CLOSER.
COME HERE.
CAN YOU GRANT WISHES?
JUST ONE. I COULD TAKE YOU
FROM A ZERO TO A HERO.
A HERO? I DON'T WANT TO BE
A HERO. I'M NOT LOOKING TO...
HEY, COME ON NOW.
LISTEN TO ME.
THINK OF THE LOOK
ON YOUR KIDS' FACES
WHEN THEY SEE ME AFTER
THE SURGERY, AS GOOD AS NEW.
♪ TA-DA! ♪
(gasps) OH!
(men)
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ AND SO SAY ALL OF US, HEY ♪
YOU SEE, JIM,
ISN'T IT WORTH $2,100
FOR YOUR KIDS TO KNOW
WHAT A GOOD GUY YOU ARE?
I'M NOT THAT GOOD.
AH, COME ON, JIM. SOME THINGS
ARE MORE IMPORTANT THEN MONEY.
WHY DOES EVERYONE
KEEP SAYING THAT?
AND LOOK AT MY LITTLE NOSE.
I'M ADORABLE, HUH?
STOP IT!
YEAH.
JUST STOP IT.
STOP LOOKING SO DAMN CUTE.
OH, IT'S THE LAB COAT.
IT REALLY IS SLIMMING,
DON'T YOU THINK?
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D LIKE TO PUSH ON WITH THIS.
I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF NEUTERINGS
LATER THIS AFTERNOON,
AND THOSE DOGS
DON'T CASTRATE THEMSELVES.
WAIT, DOC...
DOC, HOLD ON A SECOND.
I WANT TO SAVE FLUFFY.
I'LL PAY FOR THE SURGERY.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
HELEN,
CANCEL THE NEUTERINGS.
YOU'VE JUST MADE ONE GUINEA PIG
AND TWO DOGS VERY HAPPY.
SO, UH, HOW DO YOU WANT
TO PAY FOR THAT?
OH, WITH MY KIDS'
COLLEGE FUND.
I MEAN, THE LITTLE ONE THINKS
HE'S A DOG, ANYWAY, SO...
HE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT
TO COLLEGE.
(laughs)
WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT
TO TELL YOU ABOUT FLUFFY.
THE LAST THING HE SAID WAS,
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JIMMY,
FOR SAVING MY LIFE!"
FLUFFY LIVES!
♪ TA-DA! ♪
OH, COME ON. I THOUGHT
THERE'D BE SOME APPLAUSE,
SOME BALLOONS...
AM I IN THE WRONG HOUSE?
THAT'S NOT FLUFFY.
WHAT?
WELL, JIM,
IT IS KIND OF OBVIOUS.
YOU JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER
GUINEA PIG FROM THE PET STORE.
WHAT?!
THIS IS FLUFFY!
LOOK, THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY.
OKAY, NOW I KNOW
YOU'RE LYING.
WE'RE NOT IDIOTS.
YEAH, WHERE'S OUR DOG?
IT'S FLUFFY.
KIDS, IT'S FLUFFY.
I'M TELLING YOU THIS
IS FLUFFY! OKAY, OKAY.
IF THIS IS FLUFFY...
FLUFFY, JUMP. JUMP.
HONEY, HE JUST HAD SURGERY,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
AFTER YOUR C-SECTION,
YOU DIDN'T SHOVEL SNOW
FOR THREE DAYS.
COME ON. GIVE HIM A BREAK.
YOU GOT A RECEIPT
FROM THE VET?
IS IT REALLY
THAT HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT I WOULD
DO SOMETHING GOOD?
(all) YES.
FINE, FINE. FINE.
FORGET IT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANNA BELIEVE,
BECAUSE I KNOW
WHAT I DID FOR FLUFFY,
AND HE KNOWS
WHAT I DID FOR HIM.
NOW I'M GONNA GO AND GIVE HIM
SOME EXPENSIVE MEDICINE,
MAKE SOME SPECIAL FOOD
AND NURSE HIM BACK TO HEALTH,
SO HE CAN
JUMP OFF THIS BANISTER
AND PROVE TO ALL OF YA
YOU'RE WRONG!
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
MY HAND TELLS ME
THAT THE SURGERY WAS SUCCESSFUL.
(Captain & Tennille)
♪ MUSKRAT, MUSKRAT ♪
♪ CANDLELIGHT ♪
♪ DOIN' THE TOWN
AND DOIN' IT RIGHT ♪
♪ IN THE EVENING ♪
♪ IT'S PRETTY PLEASING ♪
♪ MUSKRAT SUZIE, MUSKRAT SAM ♪
♪ DO THE JITTERBUG
AT A MUSKRAT LAND ♪
♪ AND THEY SHIMMY ♪
♪ SAM IS SO SKINNY ♪
♪ AND THEY WHIRL AND THEY TWIRL
AND THEY TANGO ♪
♪ SINGIN' AND JINGIN' A JANGLE ♪
♪ FLOAT LIKE THE HEAVENS ABOVE ♪
♪ LOOKS LIKE MUSKRAT LOVE ♪
♪ NIBBLIN' ON BACON ♪
♪ CHEWIN' ON CHEESE ♪
♪ SAM SAYS TO SUZIE ♪
♪ "HONEY, WOULD YOU PLEASE
BE MY MISSUS?" ♪
♪ SUZIE SAYS YES... ♪
IN TEN YEARS OF FATHERHOOD,
YOU'VE NEVER ONCE
COOKED FOR YOUR KIDS,
BUT YOU'RE COOKING
FOR FLUFFY?
WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THIS
OUT LOUD, BUT FINE...
I LIKE FLUFFY BETTER.
♪ MUZZLE TO MUZZLE ♪
♪ NOW ANYTHING GOES
AS THEY WRIGGLE ♪
♪ SUE STARTS TO GIGGLE ♪
♪ AND THEY WHIRL AND THEY TWIRL
AND THEY TANGO ♪
♪ SINGIN'
AND JINGIN' A JANGLE... ♪
I WOULDN'T TRADE YOU
FOR ANYTHING...
♪ FLOATING
LIKE THE HEAVENS ABOVE ♪
♪ LOOKS LIKE MUSKRAT LOVE ♪
ANYTHING.
WHAT IS IT, FLUFFY?
WHAT IS IT, BOY?
(sniffs)
OH, MY GOD, MY GOD! FIRE!
FIRE! EVERYBODY OUT!
EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
THERE'S A FIRE!
EVERYONE HERE?
YEAH, WE'RE ALL HERE.
WE'RE OKAY.
FLUFFY! WHERE'S FLUFFY?
HE'S IN THE HOUSE.
I GOTTA GO BACK AND GET HIM.
NO, IT'S DANGEROUS!
NO, I GOTTA GO!
SO HE'S STICKING WITH
THE FLUFFY STORY? OH...
(coughs)
FLUFFY, WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, SORRY I LEFT YOU.
FLUFFY! FLUFFY...
FLUFFY!
OH, THERE YOU ARE, BOY.
OKAY, HOLD YOUR BREATH
AND STAY LOW.
DON'T QUIT ON ME.
COME ON.
I GOT HIM. I GOT HIM.
(coughs)
OH, UM, HONEY...
THAT... THAT'S...
THAT'S MY SLIPPER.
CRAP!
JIM, YOU CAN'T GO BACK!
DON'T STOP ME.
I LOVE THE LITTLE GUY.
LOOK, IN THE WINDOW!
(gasps)
FLUFFY.
MY GOD, FLUFFY.
FLUFFY.
JUMP!
FLUFFY, PLEASE JUMP.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT
TO THIS FAMILY.
YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME.
JUMP!
(Jim claps)
UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO
FROM FLUFFY TO CRISPY, JUMP!
YES!
DADDY, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
THANK YOU, DADDY!
THAT WAS SO COOL!
THAT WAS COOL!
OH, MY GOD!
FLUFFY!
UGH. HONEY,
I FEEL AWFUL.
IT WAS THE REAL FLUFFY
ALL ALONG.
I NEVER SHOULD'VE
DOUBTED YOU.
WELL, SO NOW
YOU'LL NEVER DOUBT ME AGAIN?
LET'S JUST LEAVE IT
WHERE IT IS.
HEY, HEY,
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
WELL, THERE WASN'T
MUCH OF A FIRE,
JUST A LOT OF SMOKE FROM
THE STOVE. OH, THAT'S A RELIEF.
HONESTLY, IS HOMEMADE GUINEA PIG
FOOD REALLY NECESSARY?
IF YOUR GUINEA PIG
IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, THEN IT IS.
MY DADDY'S A HERO!
(laughs) OH, PLEASE.
YOU KNOW, DON'T FEEL BAD.
YOU DID YOUR PART.
(Cheryl) THANK YOU.
OH, MY GOD. WE HEARD THE SIREN.
WHAT HAPPENED?
DADDY WAS AWESOME.
HE SAVED US,
AND HE SAVED FLUFFY.
YEAH, YOU WERE BRAVE,
HONEY.
YEAH, DADDY.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
OH, THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
THAT MEANS A LOT.
IT MEANS EVERYTHING.
AND WE LOVE FLUFFY, AND WE'RE
GONNA LOVE HIM FOREVER AND EVER.
ACTUALLY, THEY GO
ABOUT FIVE YEARS.
AND THEN
YOU MULTIPLY THAT BY SEVEN.
WH... WHERE... WHERE IS FLUFFY?
OH, I SEE HIM.
HE'S ON THE PORCH.
OH.
(falcon shrieks)
(gasps)
OH, MY GOD, ICARUS!
FLUFFY, NO! NO, FLUFFY!
FLUFFY!
OH, MY GOD!
(gasps)
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
OH, JIM, THIS IS AWFUL.
CHERYL, I PROMISE
I WILL FIND A WAY TO REPLACE...
THAT SLIPPER OF
YOURS. (laughs) (gasps)
AW!
OH!
HI, FLUFFY!
(laughs) OH, MY GOD,
HERE HE COMES. HERE HE COMES.
(all scream)
ICARUS! ICARUS!