According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Flannelsexual - full transcript

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(bottles rattling)

(crowd cheering on TV)

(humming)

(grunts) YEAH.

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

(ring)

(ring)

(TV turns off)

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HELLO?

HELLO.

CRAP.

(TV turns on)

(telephone rings)

(ring)

(ring)

(ring)

(ring)

HELLO?

HELLO.

CRAP!

(cheering on TV resumes)

WHEW.



HEY, JIM!

CHECK OUT
MY NEW CELL PHONE.

I'M PROGRAMMING
ALL YOUR NUMBERS INTO IT.

♪♪♪

GOOD MORNING, MY YOUNG LOVE.
GOOD MORNING.

YOUR BREADWINNER
IS HERE, UP, READY TO GO.

ALL HE NEEDS
IS HIS MULTIVITAMIN.

OOH, WILMA. SWEET.

SO? YOU MUST BE
SO EXCITED.

WELL,
I DO LIKE MY WILMAS.

NO, YOU'RE GOING TO CHANNEL 6.
THAT IS SO COOL. YEAH, I KNOW IT'S COOL,

BUT WE'RE JUST BIDDING
ON A REMODELING JOB, SO...

OH, OH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU MIGHT SEE
JILLIAN FROM THE MORNING SHOW.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
IF YOU SEE HER,

TELL HER I LOVE WHAT SHE'S DONE
WITH HER EYEBROWS.

HAS SOMEONE BEEN

INTO THE BREAKFAST WINE
AGAIN THIS MORNING?

I KNOW. I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST
THAT I HAVE BEEN UP SINCE 6:00.

DANA'S BABY SHOWER
IS THIS SATURDAY,

AND I'VE JUST GOT
SO MUCH PLANNING TO DO.

SATURDAY IS
GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!

WHAT'S GOING ON SATURDAY?

JIM.

WHAT?

DANA'S BABY SHOWER.

IT'S COED,
AND YOU ARE MY CO-HOST.

ONE SECOND.

OH!

COED BABY SHOWER?
YES!

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I'M
GONNA GO TO A COED BABY SHOWER?

WE'VE BEEN TALKING
ABOUT THIS FOR MONTHS.

EVERYBODY IS
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

LOOK AT ALL
THESE FUN SHOWER GAMES.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOWED YOU
A FUN SHOWER GAME.

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR
A MAN TO GO TO A BABY SHOWER,

AND THERE'S ONE GREAT REASON
FOR HIM NOT TO GO.

WHICH IS?
IT'S A BABY SHOWER!

OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

CHERYL, YOU DON'T WANT
ME TO GO, HONEST. I DO.

CHERYL, AS SOON AS YOU SEE ME
PIN A BINKY ON THE BABY,

I'LL STOP BEING YOUR HUSBAND AND
I'LL BECOME YOUR GIRLFRIEND. GOOD.

NO, CHERYL, IT'S NOT GOOD.

WIVES DON'T SLEEP
WITH THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.

THEORY NUMBER SIX IS...
NO, NO, NO. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ANY OF YOUR CRACKPOT THEORIES.

CRACKPOT? HOW
ABOUT GENIUS-POT? OH!

CHERYL, I HAVE
A COHESIVE 19-POINT PROGRAM

FOR MEN TO BECOME THE MEN
THEY ALWAYS WANTED TO BE.

CRACKPOT.

CRACK-NOT!

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN
ON SUNDAY.

SATURDAY!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

AND LATER THIS MORNING
ON "WINDY CITY SUNRISE,"

WE'RE GOING TO BE TALKING
ABOUT "DA BEARS"...

SPECIFICALLY, WHICH ONE HAS

THE CUTEST BUTT
IN THEIR UNIFORM.

MY PICK?
HUNTER HILLENMEYER.

(purrs)

YEAH.
YEAH, IT'S TRUE.

HEY, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GIVING
DANA FOR HER BABY SHOWER?

MY TESTICLES.

'CAUSE IF I'M THERE,
THEY'RE NOT.

WELL, I'M GOING,
AND I'M TAKING MINE.

THAT SHOWER'S GONNA BE FULL

OF DANA'S
DESPERATE SINGLE FRIENDS.

WHICH MEANS?

HA HA HA HA!

THAT I'M ON THE EXPRESS TRAIN
TO NAKED TOWN.

ALL ABOARD!

(imitates train chugging)

NEXT STOP, DOING-IT-VILLE.

HOO-HOO!

(sighs)
THAT'S GONNA STAIN,

AND I'VE GOT TO BE
ON CAMERA.

ALL RIGHT.
I, UH, I NEED JIM.

JIM? THAT'S ME.

WE'RE READY
FOR YOUR INTERVIEW.

WE'RE READY TO GO.
WE JUST NEED JIM.

OH. WELL, I CAN DO IT.

YEAH, YOU CAN,
AND MAYBE I CAN, TOO.

GOTCHA.

(both) WHOO-WHOO!

HEY!

UHH!

OH, HI. WHOA!

YOU'RE...
YOU'RE TANYA MOUNTAINS.

YOU'RE...
YOU'RE THE WEATHER GIRL.

I GOTTA TELL YOU, I-I LOVE
YOUR WORK, MISS MOUNTAINS.

I WATCH YOU EVERY DAY.

I DON'T TAKE MY UMBRELLA OUT
UNLESS TANYA TELLS ME TO.

IT'S SO NICE
TO MEET A FAN.

I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW MANY CREEPS

JUST WANT TO GET
WITH THE WEATHER GIRL.

I THINK
THERE'S A HIGH PRESSURE FRONT

MOVING BEHIND MY ZIPPER.

WOW. THIS IS... THIS IS
WHERE THEY FILM THE NEWS.

YEAH, AND MAGGIE THE CLOWN
DOES HER SHOW OVER THERE.

NO KIDDIN'! WOW!

THIS CONCLUDES OUR TOUR.

HI, JIM.

JILLIAN. JILLIAN,
IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

WONDERFUL.

OH, MY WIFE WANTED ME
TO TELL YOU

THAT SHE, UH...
SHE LOVES YOUR NEW SIDEBURNS.

UH, I THINK SHE PROBABLY
MEANT MY EYEBROWS.

I'M PRETTY SURE
IT WAS SIDEBURNS.

JIM AND ANDY
FROM GROUND UP DESIGN?

THEY'RE READY FOR YOU.

OH, UM,
ACTUALLY, SOMEONE ALREADY...

OH, EXCUSE ME.
I WAS IN THE RESTROOM.

HAS ANYONE BEEN LOOKING
FOR JIM MOURNING?

WELCOME BACK.
I'M HERE WITH JIM MOURNING.

MORNING.

OH, MY GOD.

JIM IS
A HARVARD-EDUCATED SOCIOLOGIST

WHO IS CURRENTLY TEACHING

AT THE FASHION INSTITUTE
OF TECHNOLOGY.

LET'S TALK ABOUT
YOUR FASCINATING NEW BOOK,

"BEYOND METROSEXUALITY...
THE NEW MAN TODAY."

WHAT DOES JIM KNOW?

COED BABY SHOWERS
ARE SO MUCH FUN.

UGH. I KNOW, BUT YOU KNOW
JIM AND HIS THEORIES.

THANK GOD I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHO HAS TO LISTEN TO HIM.

CHERYL.
HMM?

JIM'S ON TV.

SO I READ YOUR BOOK.

JIM. JIM. JIM.

RIGHT HERE.
YOUR... YOUR BOOK?

BOOK. OH, I LOVED
IT. VERY PROVOCATIVE.

NO, I DIDN'T, UH...

YOU HAVE A NUMBER OF THEORIES
ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN.

YOU KNOW,
I CAME HERE FOR...

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I-I DO HAVE SOME THEORIES.

WELL,
ALL OF CHICAGO'S LISTENING.

THEN I HAVE SOME THEORIES...

FOR YOU, CHICAGO.

(screams)

SO I TOLD HER, THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GOING TO A BABY SHOWER.

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR
A MAN TO BE AT A BABY SHOWER.

AND THERE'S ONE GREAT REASON
FOR A MAN NOT TO BE THERE.

UH, WHAT'S THE GREAT REASON?

IT'S A BABY SHOWER.

SEE?

OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT A LOVELY CAMERA CREW YOU
HAVE. THANK YOU. JIM, I GOTTA SAY,

YOU DON'T REALLY SEEM
LIKE MUCH OF A METROSEXUAL.

I'M NOT A METROSEXUAL.

PLEASE, PLEASE, LOOK.

I DON'T PLUCK,
I DON'T MOISTURIZE,

AND THE ONLY THING I WAX
IS MY CAR.

OH, I'M A MAN
WHO STANDS FOR BEING A MAN.

I'M MORE OF A... UM...

I'M A, UH, FLANNELSEXUAL.

BUT, JIM, IN YOUR BOOK...
I DIDN'T WRITE A BOOK.

COME ON. EVEN IF
I DID WRITE A BOOK,

I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T
TAKE A PICTURE OF MYSELF

AND PUT IT ON THE FRONT
WITH MY CATS.

GREAT. YOU KNOW,
WE'RE GONNA BE TAKING

A LITTLE BREAK RIGHT NOW... NO,
NO, NO, NO, BABY. HOLD ON, SWEETS.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. YOU GOT
ME GOING HERE. YOU GOT ME GOING.

WHICH ONE'S MY CAMERA?

HERE?

YOU KNOW, I HAVE
A COHESIVE 19-POINT PROGRAM

TO TEACH MEN HOW TO BE
THE MEN THEY ALWAYS...

ALL RIGHT, NOW COME ON.
I NEED YOU GUYS TO FOCUS.

WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT COLOR WE WANT

FOR DANA'S BABY SHOWER.

NOTHING BRIGHTENS UP A ROOM
LIKE PERIWINKLE.

DON'T TELL DADDY
I SAID THAT.

HEY, YOUNG FAMILY.

(children) DADDY, DADDY!

OH!

THEY TALKED ABOUT YOU
ON THE NEWS AGAIN TODAY.

(Jim) THEY DID?
THAT'S THREE DAYS IN A ROW.

YOUR CLIP IS THE SECOND MOST
DOWNLOADED VIDEO

ON THE INTERNET.

IT'S GONNA BE AWFULLY HARD

TO BEAT THAT KITTEN
THAT LOOKS LIKE HITLER.

I DON'T KNOW.

I MAY HAVE
ANOTHER CHANCE AT IT,

BECAUSE CHANNEL 6 WANTS ME

TO DO ANOTHER SPOT
ON THEIR MORNING SHOW.

(gasps) THEY'RE PUTTING YOU
ON TV AGAIN?

YES.
ON PURPOSE?

MM-HMM.

AS A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT.

"ASK THE FLANNELSEXUAL."

KIDS, MOMMY'S GONNA NEED
HER BREAKFAST WINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?
I JUST THINK CHICAGO NEEDS

A COHESIVE 19-POINT PROGRAM
TO SHOW MEN

HOW TO BECOME THE MEN
THEY ALWAYS WANTED TO BE.

THERE IS NO 19-POINT PROGRAM.

IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF CRAP
YOU MAKE UP

WHEN YOU WANT
TO GET OUT OF SOMETHING.

"CRAP." I CHANGE LIVES.

OHH.

CHERYL, I THREW OUT
MY HAIR GEL, MY LOOFAH,

AND I'M 90% SURE

I'VE HAD
MY LAST BRAZILIAN.

EXPERT.

NOT AN EXPERT.

YOUR SON KNOWS
WHAT PERIWINKLE IS.

THERE HE IS.
YOU AND I GOTTA TALK.

OH, YEAH, IT'S TALKING TIME.
GO, RYAN.

I'M GOING.
YOU RUINED MY BABY SHOWER.

WHAT?
WHAT?

EVERY GUY WHO WAS INVITED
TO THE SHOWER

CALLED TO SAY
HE ISN'T COMING,

BECAUSE THIS JACKASS
SAID IT WASN'T MANLY. (gasps)

JACKASS?
HOW ABOUT GENIUS-ASS?

NOW ONLY WOMEN
ARE COMING.

I DON'T GET TO CELEBRATE
THE IMPENDING BIRTH OF MY CHILD

WITH ANY
OF MY GUY FRIENDS.

YOU'RE GONNA THANK ME
FOR THAT LATER.

OH, YEAH?
WELL, I'M GONNA THANK YOU NOW.

ME ND MY UNBORN BABY ARE GONNA
KICK YOUR ASS. OW! GET OFF ME!

WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE.

A LADIES-ONLY SHOWER
BECAUSE OF JIM?

OH, THIS... THIS SUCKS!

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT,
AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE IT DOES.
IT SUCKITY-SUCK-SUCK-SUCKS!

OKAY. CHERYL,
LET'S JUST CALM DOWN, OKAY?

WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS THE BEST
LADIES-ONLY SHOWER EVER. (hisses)

WE'LL GO IN THE KITCHEN
AND WE'LL HAVE SOME TEA.

TEA SUCKS!

RYAN, I GUESS
YOU SHOULD JUST GO AHEAD

AND MAKE PLANS FOR SATURDAY.

UGH!
YOU CAN THANK JIM.

I WILL THANK JIM.

UHH!

UH... WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW. I GAVE HIM
THE "HUG'S OVER" TAP.

WANT ME TO GET HIM
OFF YOU?

NO, I THINK HE NEEDS THIS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO THE BABY SHOWER.

DON'T WANNA GO.
I KNOW. JUST LET IT OUT.

I JUST GOT SO SCARED.

I KNOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HELLO, JILLIAN.

MM.

READY TO CHANGE SOME LIVES,
PARTNER?

YOUR 15 MINUTES
ARE ALMOST UP, NUTCASE.

NUTCASE...

OR CRACKPOT?

WELCOME BACK, CHICAGO.

I'M HERE WITH JIM,
THE FLANNELSEXUAL.

AND HE'S HERE TO SETTLE

THE WAR
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.

OH, PLEASE.
THERE IS NO WAR.

WARS CAN BE WON.
(chuckles)

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S TAKE
OUR FIRST CALLER.

JEFF IN NAPERVILLE,
YOU ARE ON WITH JIM.

Yeah, hi, this is Jeff.

HI, JEFF.

Um, I like watching football
on Sunday,

but my wife keeps bugging me
to go on hikes.

WHERE?

OUTSIDE?

HEY, HEY, JEFFREY,
FLANNEL UP, WILL YOU?

YOU HAVE TO DEFINE AND SET

THE TERMS
OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

AND IF SHE CROSSES
OVER THAT LINE WITH HER BIG TOE,

WHY, YOU TAKE A HAMMER
AND YOU BANG IT!

AND YOU HIT HER TOE,
AND YOU HIT IT HARD.

OKAY, OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT
POINTS OUT

THAT JIM IS SPEAKING
METAPHORICALLY.

NEXT CALLER.

(Cheryl)
Hi, I-I'm... Meryl.

HI, MERYL.

Hi, Jillian.
Listen, I've got to tell you,

I love what you've done
with your eyebrows.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MERYL.

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ON RIGHT NOW
WITH THE FLANNELSEXUAL.

OH. UH, I-I'M UPSET
WITH MY HUSBAND... TIM.

LET ME GUESS, MERYL. UH, HE'S
PROBABLY RIGHT ALL THE TIME,

AND IT'S GOT YOU DOWN?

UM, ACTUALLY,
HE'S REFUSING TO COME

TO THE COED BABY SHOWER

I'M THROWING
FOR MY SISTER DANA... DANA-JO.

WOW. SOUNDS LIKE TIM IS STANDING
UP FOR HIMSELF AS A MAN.

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE
MORE SEX WITH HIM. NEXT CALL.

NO, YOU SEE, THE PROBLEM IS,

HE'S CONVINCED ALL THE OTHER MEN
NOT TO COME TO THE SHOWER.

SUDDENLY THEY THINK
IT'S NOT MANLY.

THAT'S BECAUSE
IT ISN'T MANLY.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT
THAT, BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN.

NEXT CALLER.
ONLY I TOUCH THE PHONE.

(whispering) JIM.

THAT'S CHERYL ON THE PHONE.

IT'S NOT MERYL.

IT'S CHERYL, YOUR WIFE...

ON THE PHONE.

(grunts)

OKAY, UH, SO...
SO TIM AND HIS FRIENDS

WON'T GO TO THE BABY SHOWER
BECAUSE IT'S... NOT MANLY?

I KNOW, I KNOW.
I DON'T GET IT EITHER, JILLIAN.

YOU KNOW, TIM SAYS...

(imitating Jim) "YOU WOMEN ARE
TRYING TO TURN MEN INTO WOMEN."

FIRST OF ALL,
TIM DOESN'T TALK LIKE THAT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE NO MAN...

(goofy voice)
TALKS LIKE THIS.

(normal voice) BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT TIM.

HE HAS A RIGHT TO DEFINE
THE TERMS OF HIS MANLINESS.

NO PUN INTENDED.
I DIDN'T HEAR A PUN IN THERE.

I SAID NO PUN INTENDED.
NEXT CALL.

HEY, HEY.
HELLO.

YEAH, IT'S STILL MERYL.

I don't think
that's a real phone.

LOOK, THIS PARTY IS
A CELEBRATION OF OUR FAMILY,

AND HE SHOULD BE THERE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT TIM.

HE DOESN'T
EVEN LIKE DANA... JO.

AND HE DOESN'T THINK MUCH

OF HER HUSBAND...
DRYAN, EITHER.

DRYAN?

YEAH, I THINK
HE MEANS BRIAN.

HE'S GOT TO STOP WITH THIS BABY
SHOWER, BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T,

WHAT'S NEXT? SHOPPING
FOR FABRICS? GOING TO WEDDINGS

OF SECOND COUSINS
THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW?

OH, SO NOW YOU'RE PUNISHING ME
FOR THINGS I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE?

ABSOLUTELY!

OH, WELL THAT'S FAIR.

WELL, DID I OR DID I NOT
GO TO SOME COOKING CLASS

DURING THE SIXTH GAME
OF THE WORLD SERIES?

WHAT... WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
You know what?

YOU BROUGHT A TV AND YOU
COMPLAINED THE WHOLE TIME.

THAI FOOD. LIKE...
(goofy voice) OH, BOY.

I WISH I KNEW
HOW TO COOK THAI FOOD.

OH, OH! YOU'RE DOING IT.
YOU'RE TALKING LIKE...

(goofy voice)
OH-DEE-DO-DEE-DO!

(normal voice)
THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IT!

NO, NO, I'M OUTTA HERE.
I'M OUTTA HERE.

WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GONNA GO FIGHT
WITH MY... FIFE.

HOW DARE YOU
CALL MY TV SHOW AND...

(sniffs)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

THAI FOOD. GET USED TO IT.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LOOKING FOR A HAMMER.
TAKE OFF THAT SHOE.

I THOUGHT
THAT WAS A METAPHOR.

IT WAS, UNTIL YOU PUT
YOUR BIG FOOT OVER THE LINE.

HERE. THIS WILL DO.

COME ON.
TAKE OFF THAT SHOE.

OH, OH, JIM, STOP IT.

I HAD TO CALL THAT SHOW
TO MAKE YOU REALIZE

THAT MY CIRCUS TENT
IS FALLING DOWN. WHAT?

(sighs) OUR LIFE TOGETHER
IS LIKE A CIRCUS.

THE KIDS
ARE THE WILD ANIMALS,

PARTIES LIKE THIS
ARE THE TRAPEZE ACT,

I AM THE RINGMASTER,
AND YOU, JIM,

ARE THE BIG WOODEN POLE
THAT HOLDS UP THE TENT.

WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S MY CIRCUS TENT THEORY.

YES, IT IS.
AND I NEED YOUR SUPPORT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S ALWAYS SAYING,

"IF HE WANTS A HAPPY LIFE,
A MAN NEEDS A HAPPY WIFE."

I'M NOT GONNA BE HAPPY
UNLESS YOU GO TO THAT SHOWER.

CURSES!

TRAPPED
BY MY OWN THEORIES.

THIS SUCKS.

THIS SUCKITY-SUCK-SUCK-SUCKS!

OKAY, HONEY, HONEY.

MY ONLY SISTER
IS HAVING HER FIRST BABY.

OUR FIRST NIECE.

OR NEPHEW.

LOOK, THE POINT IS,
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME

THAT YOU BE AT THAT PARTY.

(sighs)

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL GO TO THE SH...

BABY SHOWER.

YOU WIN, OKAY?

THANK YOU.

THAT'S WHY
YOU'RE MY GREAT BIG POLE.

OH, HONEY, DON'T FEEL BAD.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOU SAY.

YOU KNOW... (goofy voice)
NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN.

THEY KNOW ALL THE WORDS.

HEY, I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!
WELL...

I DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT...

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE, BLONDIE,
WAIT A MINUTE. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU JUST QUOTED

THREE OF MY SO-CALLED
CRACKPOT THEORIES.

WELL... (sighs)

YEAH.

LOOK WHO'S
A CLOSET FLANNELSEXUAL.

(sighs) OKAY. OCCASIONALLY
THE CRACKPOT MAKES A POINT.

HMM. OCCASIONALLY, HUH?

WELL. I'LL TAKE THAT
AS A WIN.

FINE. BUT I'M STILL
GOING TO IGNORE

THE ONES
ABOUT THE SPACE PROGRAM

AND WHICH COUNTRIES
WE DON'T NEED.

STILL A WIN.

BUT YOU'RE COMING
TO THE SHOWER, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH, I'LL COME
TO THE SHOWER,

BECAUSE POINT NUMBER TEN...

"ALWAYS BE A GRACIOUS WINNER
TO THE WIFE."

ESPECIALLY IF YOU KNOW

YOU'RE GONNA GET
A LITTLE LUCKY LATER.

(laughs) YEAH.

THAT'S MY TIM.
YEAH.

MERYL.

OKAY.

OKAY, JIM,

I'M GIVING YOU
THE "HUG'S OVER" PAT.

OH, HONEY,
THIS IS NOT A HUG.

AAH!