According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 15 - The Grill II - full transcript

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---
TWO YEARS AGO
ON "ACCORDING TO JIM"...

YOU AND OLD BLUE HAD SOME GOOD
TIMES TOGETHER. HEY, YOU WANT HER?

OKAY, SURE. THANKS.
200 BUCKS?

YEAH, SURE. I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD SELL THE GRILL TO ANDY.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
GIVE IT TO HIM.

YOU GAVE ME THAT GRILL,
AND YOU CAN GET IT BACK

WHEN YOU PRY THE BARBECUE TONGS
FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS.

NOT IF I GET TO IT FIRST.

(tires squealing)

I'M TAKING MY GRILL BACK.
BE MY GUEST.

NEITHER I NOR THE COUNTESS
WILL STOP YOU.



BUT THE CHAIN MIGHT.
(laughs)

THE GRILL IS MINE!
MINE! ALL MINE!

I THINK MAYBE
YOU SHOULD HAVE THE GRILL

FOR...

NOT... ANYTHING.

WHAT?

FREE! FOR FREE.
HEY, THANKS, MAN.

♪♪♪

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

I'M LOOKING FOR, UH...

I WAS LOOKING
FOR SOME, UH, DOILIES.

OH.

AND I FOUND 'EM.
THEY'RE RIGHT HERE.

GREAT. YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE
ALSO LOOKING FOR MATCHES,



I THREW THEM
ALL OUT YESTERDAY.

CHERYL,
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

BECAUSE THE GIRLS AND I
ARE GOING TO VISIT MY MOM,

WHICH LEAVES YOU HERE WITH
ANDY AND KYLE ALL BY YOURSELF.

IT'S THE SAME REASON
I HID THE KNIVES,

SENT A WARNING LETTER
TO THE NEIGHBORS

AND BLOCKED
THE ADULT CHANNELS ON THE TV.

CHERYL, I TOLD YOU BEFORE,
"THE 'L' WORD" STANDS FOR LOVE.

UH-HUH.
CHERYL.

JIM, EVERY TIME I GO AWAY,

YOU AND ANDY
ACT LIKE A COUPLE OF IDIOTS.

OH, THAT IS NOT TRUE.
OH, REALLY?

WHAT ABOUT
MY TRIP TO CLEVELAND?

(sighs) LOOK, IF WE WOULD HAVE
KNOWN THAT ANIMAL WAS ALIVE,

WE WOULD HAVE NEVER
PUT HIM IN THE MICROWAVE.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST
GET YOU GUYS A SITTER. CHERYL!

YOU PROMISED ME
ONCE I TURNED 50,

I DIDN'T NEED
A SITTER ANYMORE.

NOW ANDY AND I
ARE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS.

KYLE IS LUCKY TO SEE

SUCH A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN TWO MEN.

YOU ALWAYS
MAKE THINGS DIRTY.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME

WHY THE RESPONSIBLE ADULT
WAS LOOKING FOR MATCHES?

I WAS GONNA LIGHT A CANDLE,

PUT IT IN THE WINDOW
UNTIL YOUR SAFE RETURN.

DADDY, ARE THESE
ENOUGH BOTTLE ROCKETS?

AFTERNOON.

ALL RIGHT, CHERYL,
CAB'S HERE.

COME ON, HURRY UP.
LET'S GO. WAVE GOOD-BYE.

OH, OH, OH, HONEY, COME ON,
WALK US OUT. WE'RE GOING.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LET HIM SIT, CHERYL.

WE'RE TWO INDEPENDENT GALS,

AND JIM WORKS REALLY HARD
TO PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD.

WHAT THE HELL?
NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
SHE'S ACTUALLY MAKING SENSE.

NO, HONEY, I'M GONNA
BE GONE FOR A WHILE,

AND I WANT YOU TO WALK ME OUT.
ALL RIGHT.

CHERYL, COME ON. LOOK,
ANDY'S HAVING A GARAGE SALE,

AND YOU KNOW HOW JIM IS
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

WHAT DO I CARE THAT HE'S
HAVING A GARAGE SALE?

ANDY'S SELLING
THE G-R-I-L-L.

(whispers) GO, GO, GO.
COME ON, COME ON.

HE'S SELLING A GIRL?

(mouths words)

GRILL!

HE'S SELLING MY GRILL?!

WOW, I-I REALLY
DIDN'T THINK HE'D GET THAT.

YEAH.

ANDY, ANDY, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING? WHAT?

YOU CAN'T SELL MY GRILL.

I'M NOT.
I'M... I'M SELLING MY GRILL.

OH, NO, I GAVE YOU THAT GRILL.

WELL, YEAH,
WHICH MAKES IT MINE.

IF I WOULDA SOLD IT TO YOU,
IT WOULD MAKE IT YOURS.

JIM, PLEASE DON'T START
THIS GRILL NONSENSE AGAIN.

UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH.
I GAVE YOU THAT GRILL.

IF YOU'RE NOT
GONNA USE IT ANYMORE,

THEN LEGALLY
IT REVERTS BACK TO ME.

THAT'S CRAZY.
IT IS NOT CRAZY.

THIS IS THE WAY SOCIETY'S
BEEN WORKING FOR CENTURIES.

CHECK YOUR MAGNA CARTA.

I-I DON'T HAVE
A MAGNA CARTA.

OH, DID SOMEBODY GIVE IT TO YOU,
AND YOU SOLD THAT, TOO?

I'M TAKING MY GRILL.
NO, NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WATCH ME. (grunts)

OH, OH, STOP,
JUST STOP.

BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL
ON THIS GRILL!

5 BUCKS TO ANYONE
BUT JIM! NO, IT'S MINE.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU GUYS? I HAVE TO GO.

PLEASE DON'T
TURN THIS INTO A WAR.

WELL, TALK TO YOUR BROTHER HERE.
HE'S THE ONE BEING UNREASONABLE.

I'LL THROW IN
A FREE KLINGON BURIAL SHROUD

IF YOU BUY IT.
IMPRESS THE LADIES!

IT'S MINE!
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S IT.
I'M CANCELING MY TRIP.

WELL, WAIT,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?

BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS
YOU TWO MONKEYS

ARE GONNA DECLARE WAR
ON EACH OTHER.

MONKEYS?
HOW DARE YOU?

CHERYL, WE ARE HAVING A
GENTLEMEN'S DISAGREEMENT. INDEED.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO CANCEL YOUR TRIP.

I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA BE
A RESPONSIBLE ADULT,

AND THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

YOU PROMISE?

I PROMISE...

THAT WHILE YOU ARE AWAY,

I WILL BE A MODEL CITIZEN.

"STOLEN GOODS"?

WHY WOULD I BE SELLING
STOLEN GOODS?

WE RECEIVED A TIP FROM
ONE OF YOUR NEIGHBORS. WHO?

HE WOULD ONLY REFER TO HIMSELF
AS A "MODEL CITIZEN."

EXCUSE ME, OFFICER.
IS THERE ANY TROUBLE HERE?

POSSIBLE DISTRIBUTION
OF STOLEN GOODS.

STOLEN GOODS? EGADS!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

OFFICER, I THINK...
I THINK THAT MAY BE MY GRILL.

NO, IT IS NOT.

YEP. YEAH, THIS IS MY GRILL,
OFFICER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PROOF?

PROOF, NO.

(laughs)

WELL, EXCEPT FOR THIS...
THIS 9-YEAR-OLD RECEIPT

THAT CLEARLY STATES
THAT I BOUGHT THIS MYSELF

AT THE LOCAL
BARBECUE EMPORIUM.

OFFICER, OFFICER, HE GAVE ME
THIS GRILL TWO YEARS AGO.

DID YOU?

I'D SOONER PART
WITH MY OWN SON.

HANDS BEHIND
YOUR BACK, SIR.

(laughs) YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

(mouthing words)

THIS IS NOT OVER!
DO YOU HEAR ME?

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M...
(mouths words)

I'M SORRY, SIR.
I CAN'T QUITE HEAR YOU.

OH, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
MY GRILL TO MY HOUSE?

THANK YOU, SIR.

UGH, ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA STRETCH MY LEGS.

THIS STAKEOUT
IS HARD WORK.

THERE YOU GO, MY SON.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE A LUCKY BOY.

YOU GET TO SPEND THE WEEKEND
WITH YOUR POPS,

YOU LEARN ABOUT FEUDS, AND YOU
GET TO SEE A FAT MAN TASERED.

(rumbling noise)

HE'S HERE. COME ON.

WAIT.

THIS COULD BE A TRICK.

I'M GONNA GO AND CHECK OUT
THE NOISE. YOU GUARD THE GRILL.

HERE. STAND HERE. HIDE.

IF UNCLE ANDY COMES OUT,
YOU ZAP HIM.

SHOULD I TURN IT UP
TO TEN?

THAT'S MY BOY.

(whispers) WATCH. WATCH.

KYLE, GIVE ME THE TASER.
(buzz)

YIKES!

(groans)

OH. OH.

GIMME THAT!
GIMME THAT!

(lowered voice)
WATCH THE GRILL.

(normal voice) FREEZE!

OR WHAT?
OR I'LL TASER YOU...

WHEN IT RECHARGES.

TAKES ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

OH, I'LL BE
LONG GONE BY THEN.

YOU SEE, JIM, I WAS ABLE
TO DO SOME THINKING

WHEN I WAS SITTING
IN THE COUNTY LOCKUP.

OH, YEAH, I BET YOU WERE DOING
A LITTLE CRYING, TOO, HUH?

BOO-HOO.
BOO-FREAKIN'-HOO.

OH, YES. SOON, JAMES, THE TEARS
WILL BE ON THE OTHER CHEEK.

HA HA HA.
YOU SEE, I REMEMBER

WHEN WE WERE
REDOING YOUR KITCHEN

THAT I GAVE YOU THIS SMALL
BUT CRUCIAL LENGTH OF PIPE.

OH, YOU WERE IN JAIL
THINKING ABOUT PIPE, WERE YOU?

ONLY THAT I WANTED IT,

AND NOW I'M GONNA TAKE IT.

(grunts)
TAKE MY PIPE?

YOU CAN'T TAKE MY
PIPE OUTTA MY WALL. AAH!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY
WALL? OH, YES, I CAN, JIM. IT'S MINE.

THAT MEANS I CAN TAKE IT BACK
WHENEVER I WANT.

AH, LET GO OF THAT PIPE!

AH!

(laughs)

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU GOT THE WRONG PIPE THERE.

OHH!

LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S JUST WATER.

YEAH, JUST WATER.

CARE FOR A BEER?

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

NOPE, I'M KEEPING MY GRILL.

YOU KEEP THE PIPE.

YOU THINK
THIS BOTHERS ME AT ALL?

YES. YES, I DO.

DAMN IT, ANDY,
GIMME THAT PIPE!

I'LL GIVE YOU
SOME, UH, PAPER TOWELS.

THAT MIGHT HELP.

GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!

ADIOS, CHIEF.

GIMME THAT PIPE!

HEY, KYLE! KYLE!

DADDY, CAN I HAVE
A SNACK?

NO! GET SOME TOWELS!
TOWELS!

ANDY!

THE VALVE...
THE MAIN WATER VALVE.

THE VALVE.

WHERE'S THE SHUT-OFF VALVE?

LOOKING FOR THIS?

YEAH, THIS IS MINE, TOO.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
A RECEIPT. (laughs)

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS MINE?
VENGEANCE.

ANDY, ANDY, YOU WIN, OKAY?

IT'S YOURS.
THE GRILL IS YOURS.

THIS WHOLE GRILL THING
IS JUST KILLING... AAH!

AAH! GET OFF OF ME!
GIVE ME THAT VALVE.

NO! GIVE ME THAT VALVE OR I'LL
PUT YOUR FAT HEAD INTO THAT PIPE!

NEVER! NO, JIM!

AAH!

THIS IS A NEW SWEATER!

HEY, COME HERE, YOU!
COME HERE!

COME ON!

AAH!
COME ON.

YOU'LL NEVER GET IT!

YOU'LL...

PLEASE, I DEALT WITH
WORSE THAN THIS IN LOCKUP!

YEAH, DID THEY
FILL YOUR EAR UP?

AAH! NOT THE EAR! NOT THE EAR!
I HAVE A CONDITION!

GIMME THE VALVE!

OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU THE
VALVE! GIMME THE VALVE!

I'LL GIVE YOU THE VALVE! I'LL
GIVE YOU THE VALVE! GIVE IT TO ME!

ALL RIGHT. TAKE THE VALVE...
AND I'LL TAKE THE GRILL.

ANDY!
ANDY, WHERE IS THE VALVE?

DON'T KNOW, DON'T CARE.
LATER, LOSER.

(grunts)

WHEN IS THIS THING
GONNA RECHARGE?

(buzz)

UGH! OH!

ANDY!

AHH... MILADY.

(laughs)

OH, IT'S YOU.

WHY, ANDREW, MM, YOU LOOK
POSITIVELY VICTORIOUS.

(chuckles)

HELLO, I'M GEORGE TAKEI.

WELCOME TO "INTERGALACTIC
POSITIVITY MIND TRAINING."

YOU'RE A BRAVE, STRONG MAN
WHO WILL SOON HAVE

LOTS AND LOTS OF GIRLFRIENDS
OR BOYFRIENDS.

THE GALAXY LOVES YOU
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

TOMORROW
YOU WILL AWAKE REFRESHED,

NOT NEEDING A DOUGHNUT
FOR BREAKFAST,

BECAUSE YOU CAN BOLDLY GO
WHEREVER YOU WANT.

HA HA.
YOU HEAR THAT, JIM?

ARE YOU SURE
MOMMY'S OKAY WITH THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME ASK HER.

HEY, CHERYL,
YOU OKAY WITH THIS?

I DIDN'T HEAR "NO."

IT'S FUN
WHEN THE GIRLS ARE GONE.

(chuckles)

HOW DO YOU SAY
THAT WORD AGAIN?

VENGEANCE.

VENGEANCE.
I LIKE THE WAY THAT SOUNDS.

IT TASTES EVEN BETTER.

(George Takei)
YOU WANT SOME ADVICE

THAT'S ACTUALLY USEFUL?

STOP BASING YOUR LIFE
ON A 40-YEAR-OLD TV SHOW

AND ASK A GIRL OUT.

THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN,
SHE SAYS, "NO!"

(George Takei) THE THING
I'M HAPPIEST ABOUT...

(crackling sound) I NEVER
DID ONE OF THOSE ALBUMS

WHERE I JUST TALK THE WORDS
TO POPULAR SONGS.

NO ONE ASKED ME...
(coughs)

BUT I WOULDN'T
HAVE DONE IT ANYWAY.

AND LET ME TELL YOU
ABOUT BILL SHATNER.

THE MAN'S
ALL ABOUT THE MONEY.

(woman) END OF DISC ONE.
INSERT DISC TWO.

HOW DID THAT TASTE, KYLE?

PRETTY GOOD...
LIKE PIZZA.

(chuckles)

DEEP-DISH PIZZA.

YES, YES, YES,
YES, YES, YES, YES!

(laughs)

(humming)

(birds squawking)

JIM!

CHERYL'S OUT OF TOWN.

YEAH, WE GOT THE LETTER.

OH, LOOK AT THIS.

MY NEPHEW'S TRUCK.

ALL RIGHT, MOVE ON, HUH?

THERE'S NOTHING
TO SEE HERE.

MMM.

YOU KNOW,

I DON'T MISS THE KNIVES.

OR TOILET PAPER.

MOMMY DIDN'T HIDE
THE TOILET PAPER, HONEY.

MY BAD.

(doorbell rings)

BATTLE STATIONS.

HEY, JIM,
I'VE BEEN THINKING, AND...

OW!

OW!

STATE YOUR BUSINESS.

I SURRENDER.

YEAH, RIGHT.

NO, NO, NO, NO,
I'M SERIOUS.

YOU BESTED ME.
THE GRILL IS YOURS.

WHAT'S YOUR GAME?

NO GAME.

I JUST FINALLY GOT
WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.

JUST BECAUSE A MAN
GIVES SOMETHING AWAY

DOESN'T MEAN
HE RENOUNCES OWNERSHIP.

THANK YOU.

BE IT A ROOF,
OR A GRILL OR HIS TIME...

EXACTLY. TIME?

YEAH, HOW MANY HOURS
HAVE I SPENT

BABYSITTING YOUR KIDS
FOR FREE?

I DECIDED
TO CRUNCH THE NUMBERS.

9,000 HOURS?

YEAH. I GAVE THEM
A YEAR OF MY TIME,

AND NOW I WANT
A YEAR OF IT BACK FROM THEM,

AND SINCE GRACIE
AND RUBY AREN'T HERE,

I'LL TAKE THAT ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
WITH KYLE?

I DON'T KNOW YET...
COOKING, CLEANING.

I MAY SHOOT STUFF AT HIS FEET,
MAKE HIM DANCE.

YOU ARE CRAZY.

THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH

THAT I AM GONNA GIVE YOU
MY ONE AND ONLY SON.

OKAY, THEN JUST ADMIT THAT
YOUR ARGUMENT IS FULL OF CRAP

AND GIVE ME THAT GRILL.

TAKE THE BOY.

WHAT?

BUT IF YOU DECIDE TO SELL HIM
AFTER A YEAR, HE REVERTS TO ME.

(all) AFTERNOON.

CHERYL, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING HOME
TOMORROW NIGHT.

YEAH, I CALLED KYLE TO SEE
HOW THINGS WERE GOING.

HE LIED FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS,
THEN HE CRACKED LIKE AN EGG.

30 SECONDS?
YOU ARE NOT MY SON.

I KNOW. YOU JUST SOLD ME
TO UNCLE ANDY.

WHAT? YOU SOLD OUR SON?

OH, COME ON, IT'S NOT
AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.

REALLY, I MEAN, ANDY TRIED
TO SELL MY GRILL.

YEAH, AND THEN
HE GOT ME ARRESTED.

THEN HE PULLED A PIPE OUT OF
MY KITCHEN. HE TOOK MY ROOF.

AND NOW HE GETS KYLE.

I DON'T KNOW...
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

LOOK AT YOU TWO.

YOU ARE LITERALLY
TEARING THIS FAMILY APART

OVER A WORTHLESS
PIECE OF JUNK.

JUNK?
HOW DARE YOU?

OUT!

JIM, YOU KNOW, YOU SAID
KYLE WAS LUCKY TO SEE

SUCH A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN TWO MEN.

I DON'T THINK HE'S FEELING
VERY LUCKY RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

KYLE, COME ON.

KYLE...

BE CAREFUL WITH THAT.

YOU SAID WE HAD
A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP?

NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

CHERYL PUT A BLOCK
ON THE ADULT CHANNELS,

IT MADE ME GOOFY, AND I SAID
SOMETHING I DIDN'T MEAN.

OH, COME ON, JIM.

THE LESSON I LEARNED
FROM MEL GIBSON

IS THAT SOMETIMES WE SAY THINGS

BECAUSE DEEP DOWN
IT'S WHAT WE REALLY FEEL.

YOU LOVE ME.

I DO NOT.

OH, YES, YOU DO.

SAY IT, JIM.
SAY THE "L" WORD.

LESBIAN.

GOOD ENOUGH.
I LESBIAN YOU, TOO.

ALL RIGHT, SAFETY
CHECK. GOGGLES. CHECK.

EAR PLUGS.
CHECK.

AH, WHAT ARE WE
FORGETTING? UH, DAD?

OH, CRAP.

OKAY, SON. WE WEREN'T
GONNA LEAVE YOU HERE.

(chuckles)
THERE YOU GO.

OH, I'M GONNA MISS YOU,
OLD BLUE.

OH, BOY. (laughs)

OH, I DIDN'T WANT
TO DO THIS. YEAH.

YOU KNOW,
WE'D KEEP YOU, OLD BLUE,

BUT YOU MAKE ANDY AND I
WANNA KILL EACH OTHER,

AND THAT MEANS PRISON TIME.

YEAH, AND WE'RE
TOO PRETTY FOR PRISON.

SO WE'RE GONNA BLOW YOU UP.

(laughs)

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
OKAY.

SO WHO GETS TO DO IT? OH, I
PROBABLY SHOULD DO IT. IT'S MY GRILL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S MY GRILL. IT'S MY GRILL...

(all) OOH, PRETTY.