According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Punch - full transcript

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IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
IT'S DEFINITELY GONNA WORK.

IT WON'T. I'M TELLING YOU,
I SAW IT ON TV. IT WORKS.

ONLY IN CARTOONS. NO, I
SAW REAL PEOPLE DO IT...

LAUREL AND HARDY,
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO,

THE THREE STOOGES...
SHH, SHH, SHH. HERE HE COMES.

HEY, GANG.

THE ANDY-MAN
IS IN THE HIZZY.

HEY, THERE'S CAKE
IN THE KITCHEN.

ON MY WAY.

HEY! AAH!

YOU'RE RIGHT. IT
WORKS. I TOLD YOU.



IS THERE MILK IN THERE, TOO?

♪♪♪

INVISIBLE.

KYLE, WHERE'D YOU GO?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(coughing) TRICKING HIM.

MOMMY, GRACIE'S CHOKING.

NO, SWEETIE, SHE'S FINE.
SHE'S TRICKING KYLE.

SO I'M NOT INVISIBLE?

WHO SAID THAT?

MOMMY, MY TUMMY HURTS.
CAN I STAY HOME TODAY?

REALLY? HONEY, DIDN'T
YOUR TUMMY HURT YESTERDAY?

(coughing) HE'S FAKING.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.



WHY DON'T YOU YOU GO GET
YOUR STUFF READY FOR SCHOOL?

COME HERE,
MY SWEET BABY BOY.

I BET I CAN
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

COME ON. OH.
THERE, IS THAT BETTER? MM.

NOW WHO'S MOMMY'S
LITTLE MOUSY? (squeaks)

THAT'S RIGHT. OH.

WHERE'S MOMMY'S
LITTLE KITTY CAT?

(meows)

OH! ESKIMO KISSES!

BUTTERFLY KISSES!

THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT.
STOP THAT.

STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

WHAT?

WHAT? HE... HE JUST WENT
FROM A MOUSE TO A KITTY

TO A BUTTERFLY.

JIM, WE'RE HUGGING.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

NOTHING WRONG WITH HUGGING?
NO.

WHAT ARE WE RAISING HERE,
A MAN OR A MOUSE? (squeaks)

(groans)

JIM, DID IT EVER
OCCUR TO YOU

THAT MAYBE IF YOUR MOTHER
HAD HUGGED YOU MORE,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
TURNED OUT THIS WAY?

MY MOTHER HUGGED ME PLENTY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE WAS
BEING DRAGGED TO THE COP CAR.

OH, HONEY, IS THAT MAKING
YOUR TUMMY FEEL BETTER? YEAH?

TUMMY? HE HAD
A TUMMY ACHE YESTERDAY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM
AT SCHOOL?

INVISIBLE.

UH-HUH.
WHAT'S GOING ON, KYLE?

IT'S MIKE MURPHY, A THIRD GRADER
WHO KEEPS PUNCHING ME.

(gasps) OH, MY LITTLE BABY BOY...

UNHAND THAT BOY.
WHAT?!

GO. GO GET YOUR STUFF
READY FOR SCHOOL. GO ON.

CAN YOU SEE?
WHAT?

CAN YOU SEE HOW
YOUR AFFECTION AND HUGGING

IS TWISTING
THAT LITTLE MAN?

LITTLE MAN? HE'S 6.

CHERYL,
HE'S GETTING PUNCHED.

WHY? BECAUSE MIKE MURPHY
DOESN'T SEE A LITTLE MAN...

HE'S SEES A LITTLE
SQUEAKY MOUSE-KITTY.

OH, FINE. FINE.
I'LL CALL HIS TEACHER.

SHE CAN HELP HIM
AND THIS OTHER LITTLE BOY

PRACTICE
THEIR CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION?

OH, THAT'S FANTASTIC!

AND THEN WE CAN INVITE
THE BULLY OVER

FOR SOME TEA AND COOKIES
THAT YOU AND KYLE BAKED,

WHILE YOU ARE HUGGING HIM AND HE
WAS GIVING YOU BUTTERFLY KISSES!

YOU KNOW,
HE IS A REALLY GOOD BAKER.

THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT.
I'M TAKING HIM.

TAKING HIM WHERE?
I AM CLAIMING HIM.

YOU'VE HAD THE BOY
FOR SIX YEARS,

AND IT'S A COMPLETE FIASCO.

WHAT?
WELL, CH... CHERYL...

YOU GUYS FIGHTING?

YES.
NO.

GREAT. NO NEED TO START OVER.
JUST CONTINUE WHERE YOU ARE.

LET'S GET IT ON.

NO, NO. NO, NO.

NO, THERE'S NO FIGHT HERE.
NO FIGHT HERE, BABY,

BECAUSE I AM INVOKING

THE SPECIAL POWERS CLAUSE
OF THE FATHERHOOD ACT NOW.

I WAS LED TO BELIEVE

THAT SPECIAL POWERS
DIDN'T KICK IN UNTIL PUBERTY.

I KNOW MINE DID.

THERE IS AN EXCEPTION
TO THE RULE...

IF THERE IS
AN ACT OF AGGRESSION

ON AN INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED
PLAYGROUND.

I INVOKE!

REVOKED!
YOU CAN'T REVOKE!

I JUST INVOKED.
I HAVE A WITNESS. SEE?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I JUST NEED SOME CREAM.

JIM, IF KYLE IS HAVING A PROBLEM
WITH A BULLY,

HE NEEDS TO USE HIS WORDS.
YEAH, CHERYL...

THAT'S THE SCHOOL'S RULE,
AND IT'S OUR RULE.

CHERYL, WORDS DON'T STING LIKE
A GOOD PUNCH IN THE NOSE.

AU CONTRAIRE.

MY BRUISES
HAVE LONG HEALED,

BUT "LARD-ASS" RINGS IN MY EARS
TO THIS VERY DAY.

I WAS NOTHING BUT NICE
TO THOSE BOYS.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS.
COME ON, COME ON. LET'S GO.

WE DON'T WANNA BE LATE.

JIM, I'M SERIOUS.

DO NOT TEACH MY SWEET BABY BOY
HOW TO FIGHT.

CHERYL, I...
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULD TAKE THIS
INTO CONSIDERATION,

BUT RIGHT NOW WE'RE UNDER
THE SPECIAL POWERS ACT.

MY HANDS ARE TIED.
OH, JIM.

NO, LEAVE THE BOY TO ME!
YOU CAN HAVE HIM.

OH.

KYLE. KYLE. KYLE. KYLE. KYLE.
KID, COME HERE.

HEY, SHOW ME
YOUR BEST PUNCH.

WOMAN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO MY BOY?!

KYLE, THAT'S NOT A PUNCH.
THAT... THAT'S A HIGH FIVE.

GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT
OF A PUNCH.

THAT'S VERY GOOD.
DO IT AGAIN.

OKAY. THAT IS VERY GOOD.

NOW, IF MIKE MURPHY PUNCHES YOU,
I WANT YOU TO PUNCH HIM BACK.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT?

SO REMEMBER,
IF HE PUNCHES YOU?

I PUNCH BACK!

THAT'S VERY GOOD. IF HE
PUNCHES YOU? I PUNCH BACK!

THAT'S IT. IF HE PUNCHES
YOU? I PUNCH BACK!

THAT'S IT. COME ON. OH, BOY.
NOTHING LIKE A HUG TO HEAL THE PAIN.

THAT WIFE OF YOURS, JIM,
IS A SAINT.

OH!

(grunts)

KYLE, THAT WAS
REALLY GOOD FORM,

BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA DO
A NUT PUNCH,

YOU GOTTA SAY
"SNEAK ATTACK."

(Jim) OKAY.

COME HERE. COME HERE.
ALL RIGHT.

WHICH ONE'S MIKE?

OVER THERE
WITH THE YELLOW BACKPACK...

COOL. BE COOL.
BE COOL!

HE'S A BIG ONE.

ALL RIGHT. DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT
IT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE A TOUGH ONE.

NO IF HE HITS YOU,
REMEMBER? I PUNCH BACK!

(grunts) BOY, YOU'RE SO STRONG.
WHAT A GOOD PUNCH.

(chuckles) ALL RIGHT, SON.

MIKE! HEY! WAIT!
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
OH, HEY!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
COME ON. COME HERE. COME HERE.

KYLE! DID I JUST SEE YOU
PUNCH MIKE?

PUNCH? THAT WASN'T A PUNCH.
THAT WASN'T A PUNCH AT ALL.

THAT WAS...
THEY WERE PLAYING, UH, TAG.

(chuckles) MIKE, YOU'RE IT.

WELL, OKAY.

GREAT.

OH! (groans)

OKAY.

THAT WAS A PUNCH.

HEY, THANKS FOR LETTING US
BORROW YOUR TRUCK. OH, MY GOD.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE CRIB
WE JUST GOT. IT IS DARLING!

OH, THERE'S THIS FAMILY OF BEARS
DANCING WITH DUCKS,

AND RIGHT IN THE CENTER IS A... IS A GUY
WITH A TRUCK WHO DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP?

GOOD ONE, MAN. LIKE WE EVEN
CARE ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS ADORABLE.
IT'S DARLING.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY. WE'LL SEE YOU AT
HOME. HEY, WILL YOU HELP ME PICK OUT A RUG?

OH, IS EARL GREY A DELIGHT
ON A RAINY DAY?

OH. (giggles)

EARL GREY'S BEER, RIGHT?
'CAUSE I'M ALL DUDE.

DADDY, HOW LONG
AM I SUSPENDED FOR?

A WEEK.

DOES SUSPENDED MEAN
I HAVE TO LIVE IN A DRAWER?

WHEN YOUR MOMMY'S HERE, YES,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS.

HERE'S LUNCH.

VROOM. HEY, YOU'RE NOT BEEPIN'
PARKING THERE, YOU BEEP BEEP!

MORNING, JIM.

DON'T MORNING
BEEPIN' ME, ANDY.

GET YOUR BEEPIN' BEEP UP THOSE
STAIRS AND GET TO BEEPIN' WORK!

ANDY!

WHAT THE BEEP
ARE YOU DOIN'?

JUST FINISH THE MODEL,
WILL YOU?

WHEE! WHEE!

ARE YOU GONNA
HIDE HIM HERE ALL WEEK?

I HAVE NO CHOICE. I INVOKED
THE SPECIAL POWERS ACT.

IF SHE FINDS OUT
HE'S SUSPENDED,

SHE CAN DECLARE A STATE OF
EMERGENCY AND TAKE THE BOY BACK.

(under breath)
YOU GUYS ARE NUTS.

WHAT?

I SAID...
I LIKE BIG BUTTS.

I SAID IT UNDER MY BREATH
'CAUSE OF THE BOY.

COME ON, JIM. YOU AND I LIKE
TO GET SALTY SOMETIMES.

LISTEN, I CAN'T DO IT,
ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, I RIPPED THE BOY
FROM HIS MOTHER'S BOSOM.

SEE? RIGHT THERE.

BEFORE YOU WOULD'VE SAID
"BOOBS," "TATAS,"

"JUGGETY JUGS," "BALLOONS,"
"BAZONGAS"...

YOU KNOW,
THE ADULT STUFF.

CAN I TOP YOU OFF,
UNCLE ANDY?

HUH. I GUESS
I COULD USE A WARM-UP.

THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT NOW.

STOP PLAYING WAITRESS.

REFILL DADDY'S CUP,
AND THEN IT'S THE LAST TIME.

JIM, WHY DOESN'T
HE JUST TELL THE PRINCIPAL

THAT MIKE MURPHY
HIT HIM FIRST?

NO, ANDY, NO.

I'M NOT GONNA RAISE MY BOY
TO BE A SNITCH.

GONNA TEACH HIM THAT
A MAN HANDLES HIS OWN PROBLEMS

IN THIS WORLD.

EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,
YOU DON'T GO CRYING

AND RUNNING TO THE TEACHER
OR THE PRINCIPAL.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE'S
NO CRYING AT ALL FOR MEN.

YOU CRY AT THE CUBS GAMES
ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
THAT'S MORE LIKE MANLY SORROW.

WHAT HE'S SAYING, KYLE, IS YOU
CAN'T CRY OVER STUPID STUFF,

LIKE SAD MOVIES.

WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE
WHERE THE BEARS PLAYER DIES?

"BRIAN'S SONG"?

SON, THAT'S...
THAT'S NOT A MOVIE. THAT'S...

THAT'S A PORTRAIT OF
A TRUE AMERICAN HERO

IS WHAT THAT IS.

"I LOVE BRIAN PICCOLO."

(both) "AND I WANT YOU
TO LOVE HIM, TOO."

OH, GOD, JIM.
HERE THEY COME.

YOU SEE, SON, IT'S LIKE THIS...
A MAN HAS GOTTA BE BRAVE.

A MAN HAS GOT TO BE
FEARLESS... HERE COMES CHERYL!

HIDE! HIDE FROM YOUR MOMMY!
NO, NOT THAT DRAWER!

NOT THAT DRAWER. OVER
HERE! OVER HERE! (Cheryl) JIM?

JIM!

COME HERE, COME HERE,
COME HERE,

COME HERE, COME HERE,
COME HERE.

THE MOTHER-TO-BE HAS TO DRINK
EVERY THREE AND A HALF MINUTES.

HAVE A BOTTLE OF WATER
OR SOMETHING?

SURE, I'LL HAVE
OUR WATER STEWARD BRING YOU

A BOTTLE OF
OUR FINEST 2000 LAKE MICHIGAN.

(chuckles) ACTUALLY,
THE SPRINKLERS START UP

IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES,

OR IS THAT NOT GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOU, PRINCESS?

PRINCESS?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, LARD-ASS?

I'M NOTHING
BUT NICE TO YOU!

PICK OUT
YOUR OWN DAMN RUG!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I-I PROMISED DANA I'D GIVE HER

THE OLD CURTAINS FROM THE GIRLS'
ROOM, AND THAT BOX IS PERFECT.

CAN I TAKE THAT?
THIS BOX?

YEAH.
SURE. WHY NOT?

I MEAN, IT'S A
FANTASTIC BOX. I KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S PROBABLY OUR
FINEST BOX IN THE WHOLE OFFICE. OH.

UH, I'LL BRING IT HOME FOR
YOU. OH, HONEY, THAT'S SILLY.

I'M GOING THERE NOW. I CAN CARRY IT. OF COURSE
YOU CAN CARRY IT. WHY COULDN'T YOU CARRY IT?

IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A BOX.

I MEAN, ANDY, CAN YOU SEE
ANY REASON WHY

SHE COULDN'T TAKE THIS BOX
HOME WITH HER RIGHT NOW?

I-I DON'T SEE A PROBLEM.

CAN YOU THINK
A LITTLE HARDER?

(knocks)

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

OH, FOR...
WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT? WHAT?

ARE YOU GUYS LOOKING
AT THAT INTERNET PORN?

YES, CHERYL,
THAT'S IT.

OH, JIM.
YOU CAUGHT US.

LISTEN, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING
BECAUSE ANDY...

ANDY HAD SOME QUESTIONS.

SO I THOUGHT MAYBE
BY SHOWING HIM SOME PORN,

HE WOULD UNDERSTAND THE
ANSWERS. YEAH, I TOLD YOU.

THEY HAVE ALL SORTS OF PAMPHLETS
FOR THAT AT CHURCH.

I KNOW, BUT THAT IS SO CLINICAL
AND TECHNICAL.

I THOUGHT ANDY COULD USE
THE ROMANCE OF THE PORN.

THAT IS RIDICULOUS. CAN I JUST
TAKE THAT BOX SO I CAN GO HOME?

(chuckles) THIS BOX?
YES.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

OH, GOD.
YOU GUYS ARE NUTS.

OHH.

THAT WAS FUN. IF YOU
BROUGHT THE BOX TO SCHOOL,

MAYBE I CAN HIDE
FROM MIKE MURPHY.

YOU STILL WANT TO HIDE?

HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED
ANYTHING?

UNCLE ANDY
LIKES INTERNET CORN.

WELL, IN THE OLD DAYS,
UNCLE ANDY USED TO

HIDE HIS CORN
UNDER HIS MATTRESS.

HEY, LOU, HOW ARE YA?
GOOD, JIM. HOW YOU DOIN'?

GREAT. GOOD TO SEE YA.
SAME HERE.

WHEW. IF ANYBODY ASKS,

WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP
YOUR BOOKS.

HAVE YOU SEEN MIKE?

WAIT. OH, YES.
TARGET ACQUIRED.

WHERE? YOU SEE HIM?
NO. MISS CRAWFORD.

GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES ALONE
WITH HER,

AND I'LL SQUARE THIS THING.
WHAT?

I, UH, I JUST HAVE TO
SEDUCE HER.

CLAP YOUR HANDS
LIKE I'M REALLY BUSTING A MOVE.

ANDY, FOR GOD SAKES,
THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND HERE.

GIRLS LIKE A GUY WHO CAN DANCE.
I'M GOING IN.

(scoffs) HERE'S YOUR LESSON
FOR TODAY, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T TURN OUT
LIKE UNCLE ANDY.

HEY, MIKEY!

WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

MY NAME'S MURPH.
IS THAT SO, MIKEY?

SO YOU DON'T LIKE IT
WHEN I CALL YA... MIKEY?

DOES IT MAKE YA... MAD,
MIKEY?

NO, IT'S JUST
NOT MY NAME.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M KYLE'S DAD.

AND, UH, IT SEEMS LIKE
YOU AND I HAVE A PROBLEM,

BECAUSE HE'S TAKING A RAP
FOR SOMETHING YOU STARTED.

KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE
KYLE'S PROBLEM.

I DON'T THINK SO,
'CAUSE AS OF RIGHT NOW

I AM YOUR PROBLEM.

AND THAT'S
THE KIND OF PROBLEM

YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE.

THE KIND OF PROBLEM
THAT GETS REALLY... MAD.

I'M GONNA WALK HOME NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
MIKEY, MIKEY, MIKEY, MIKEY.

LISTEN, I'LL GIVE YOU
ONE CHANCE

TO COME CLEAN
WITH THE PRINCIPAL,

OR IT'S GONNA GET REALLY...

UGLY.

YOU JUST SPIT A LITTLE
ON MY SHIRT.

KYLE, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TALK TO
THIS KID AND MAKE UP WITH HIM?

YOU CAN LEARN SOMETHING
FROM HIM.

ALL HE DOES IS PUNCH ME.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU KEEP CALLING
"TIME-OUT" DURING DODGEBALL.

I DON'T CARE WHAT... THERE ARE
NO TIME-OUTS DURING DODGEBALL.

MOMMY SAYS THERE ARE
IF I SAY "PRETTY PLEASE."

YEAH, IT... IT...
IT'S HIS MOTHER.

YOU KNOW, UH,
YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE.

SAY NO MORE.

LOOK, MURPH,

YOU SEEM LIKE A TOUGH KID,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

TOUGH GUYS... THEY DON'T LET
SOMEONE ELSE TAKE THE RAP

FOR SOMETHING THEY STARTED.

TOUGH GUYS OWN UP TO IT
AND TAKE THE PUNISHMENT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL
THE PRINCIPAL I HIT YOU FIRST?

'CAUSE MEN DON'T SNITCH.
RIGHT, DAD?

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. RIGHT.

COME ON. COME ON, HUH?

YOU'RE FEELING
WHAT I'M PUTTING OUT.

THESE HIPS...
THEY DON'T LIE.

OKAY. OKAY. I GOTTA ADMIT
YOU DO HAVE SOME GREAT MOVES.

SO, UM,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY.

NO, I...

PLEASE BE A GIRL!

TURN YOURSELF INTO A GIRL!

DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!

BE A BOY!

YOU CAN BE A BOY!

JUST NOT LIKE HIM!

(whispering indistinctly)

WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!

WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
THANK YOU. JIM! YEAH.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT.
WHAT'S THAT?

MIKE MURPHY CONFESSED.

KYLE'S SUSPENSION
HAS BEEN LIFTED!

YES! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

YOU KNOW,
THAT MURPH IS A GOOD KID. YEAH.

I KNOW. HE REALLY IS.
SAY, JIM...

WHEN THE HELL
DID KYLE GET SUSPENDED?

INVISIBLE.

JIM, YOU INVOKED
SPECIAL POWERS,

AND KYLE GOT SUSPENDED
FROM SCHOOL.

I AM THIS CLOSE TO DECLARING
A STATE OF EMERGENCY,

AND YOU KNOW
WHAT HAPPENS THEN?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM,
AND I'M THAT PROBLEM,

AND THAT'S NOT THE KIND
OF PROBLEM YOU WANT TO HAVE.

CHERYL, THERE IS NO EMERGENCY.

I GOT THE SUSPENSION LIFTED
BY USING WORDS, CHERYL...

YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE WORDS.

I SAW CONFLICT,
AND I RESOLUTIONED IT.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

NO, I'M NOT HAPPY.

VERY FEW FIRST GRADERS
GET SUSPENDED, JIM.

THERE'S KYLE
AND THAT KID WHO SMOKES.

OH, THAT WAS MURPH.

YEAH, HE'S A GOOD GUY.
HE'S DOWN TO GUM NOW.

I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU
NOT TO DO THIS.

CHERYL.

A MAN HAS TO TEACH A BOY
HOW TO DEFEND HIMSELF.

JIM, I DON'T WANT MY KID
PUNCHING HIS WAY THROUGH LIFE

LIKE SOME DRUNKEN SAILOR.

I TOLD YOU,
IT WAS ONE SIP OF BEER,

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT.

WHEN DID HE HAVE BEER?

I'VE GOT TO WRITE
THIS STUFF DOWN.

CHERYL, PLEASE. YOU GOTTA
TRUST ME HERE A LITTLE BIT.

OH, COME ON.

YOU GOTTA TRUST THE FACT
THAT GOD GAVE A BOY A FATHER

TO TEACH HIM
HOW TO BE A MAN.

BUT, JIM, HE'S NOT A MAN.
HE'S A BABY.

NO, HE'S A FIRST GRADER.
HE'S NOT A BABY.

HE IS.
HE'S MY LAST BABY.

(clicks tongue)

OH, CHERYL, I GET IT.

(scoffs) NO, YOU DON'T.

WHEN KYLE GROWS UP,

YOU WON'T HAVE A BABY
TO FUSS OVER ANYMORE

AND THEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH YOURSELF.

CRAP!

(sighs) YOU DO GET IT.

I HATE WHEN YOU GET IT.

I MEAN, CHERYL, YOU GOTTA
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY...

I MEAN, DANA'S GONNA HAVE
A LITTLE BABY SOON.

YEAH, I GUESS
I CAN HUG THAT BABY.

YEAH. AND SERIOUSLY,

WHAT'S THE OVER/UNDER ON GRACIE
GETTING PREGNANT? 17?

(chuckles) JIM.

AND YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE ME.

I MEAN, I CAN SOMETIMES...
KINDA...

BE A BIT OF A BABY.

SOMETIMES?

KINDA?

A BIT?

MY MOTHER NEVER HUGGED ME.
(laughs)

AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE TOGETHER,
YOU KNOW...

BECAUSE YOU LOVE GIVING HUGS,
AND I'M SO... HUGGABLE.

THAT'S TRUE.

YOU DO KNOW
I'M STILL GONNA HUG KYLE?

GOOD. YOU SHOULD HUG HIM.

GOOD.

JUST DON'T HUG HIM LIKE A BABY.
HUG HIM LIKE A BOY.

AND I'LL GIVE HIM TO YOU
SOMETIMES. OH, THANK YOU.

I MEAN, GOD GAVE A BOY
A MOTHER FOR SOME REASON.

GUESS WHAT?

(panting) I GOT A DATE
WITH MISS CRAWFORD.

(chuckles) WHAT DO I DO?

WELL, ANDY,
LET'S GO IN THE GARAGE.

I GOT SOME CORN
IN THERE FOR YA.