According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Dream - full transcript

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---
(TV playing, telephone rings)

PHONE. CRAP!

RIGHT WHEN JUDGE JUDY'S
ABOUT TO DROP THE HAMMER.

CAN I GET IT?

SURE.

(ring)

WHAT ARE THE RULES?

YOU'RE NEVER IN THE BATHROOM,
YOU'RE IN A MEETING.

(ring)
VERY GOOD.

YOU TAKE A LOT OF MEETINGS,
DADDY.

JUST BE POLITE.



HELLO. WHO IS IT, PLEASE?

VERY GOOD.

TAKE A HIKE, BUTTHEAD!

WHO WAS THAT?

UNCLE ANDY. FLAT TIRE.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

GOOD GIRL.

♪♪♪

CHERYL?! CHERYL?!

YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR MOTHER IS?

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO WASH
THESE PANTS.

PROBABLY YAPPING ON THE PHONE.

YOU'RE COMING ALONG JUST FINE,
YOUNG MAN.

WE'LL WASH THEM FOR YOU,
DADDY.

REALLY? OH, YOU GUYS
ARE SWEET.



I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

YOU CAN KEEP ANYTHING
YOU FIND IN THE POCKETS.

20 BUCKS!

WHAT?!

WE'RE RICH!
LET'S GET AN APARTMENT!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!

I-I FORGOT I PUT THAT IN THERE!
GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK!

CRAP!

OH, LOOK, WHAT A SURPRISE.

THERE'S MY CONTRACTOR
SITTING ON HIS BIG BUTT

INSTEAD OF REMODELING
MY HOUSE WHEN HE SAID HE WOULD.

DANA, I'M NOT WEARIN'
ANY PANTS.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GO
OVER TO YOUR HOUSE

WITH NO PANTS ON?

DON'T YOUR NEIGHBORS
ALREADY HATE YOU ENOUGH?

JIM, YOU SAID YOU'D INSTALL
MY NEW TILE THIS MORNING.

I SAID I WOULD INSTALL THE TILES
WHEN THEY CAME IN.

THEY HAVEN'T COME IN YET.
YEAH, YOU SAID THEY BE IN TODAY.

OH, I ALSO SAID I WOULDN'T GO
TO THE BATHROOM

IN YOUR UPSTAIRS JOHN.
I GUESS I WAS WRONG BOTH TIMES.

THIS JOB WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE
TWO WEEKS.

IT'S ALREADY BEEN A MONTH.

DANA, YOU KEEP CHANGING
YOUR MIND.

YOU WANTED TO TURN YOUR
SPARE BEDROOM INTO AN OFFICE,

THEN YOU WANTED TO TURN IT
INTO A GUEST ROOM

AND NOW YOU WANT TO
TURN IT INTO A NURSERY! SO?

SO? YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS,
YOU NEVER HAVE ANY GUESTS

AND YOU BARELY USE
YOUR OFFICE DOWNTOWN,

SO JUST LAY OFF ME!

JIM, IT IS A NURSERY NOW, OKAY?

RYAN AND I ARE SERIOUS
ABOUT STARTING A FAMILY.

OH, GOD. NOT MORE OF YOU.

CAN'T YOU JUST
HATCH YOUR PODS

OUT IN THE WOODS
LIKE NORMAL ALIENS?

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME THAT YOU...
YOU'RE THE ONE... I DO THIS FOR FREE...

STOP YELLING!
YOU TWO ARE MAKING ME CRAZY!

NOW, JIM, WOULD YOU JUST
FINISH DANA'S GUEST ROOM

AND GET ON WITH IT?

IT'S NOT A GUEST ROOM
ANYMORE, CHERYL. IT'S A NURSERY.

(laughs)
IT IS?!

YEAH!
HONEY!

DON'T GET EXCITED.
SETTLE DOWN.

SHE'S NOT PREGNANT YET.
IN TWO MINUTES,

SHE'S GOING TO CHANGE
THAT NURSERY

INTO A CRAPPY YOGA STUDIO.

NO, I WON'T!
YES, YOU WILL!

ALTHOUGH A YOGA STUDIO
WOULD BE COOL.

NURSERY, NURSERY!
SEE WHAT I'M SAYIN'?!

NOT A NURSERY!
SHE'S A PAIN IN THE ASS!

WHAT?! I'M THE CLIENT! I CAN
MAKE... I'M NOT WORKIN' FOR HER. I...

ENOUGH! YOU'RE FAMILY!
MAKE IT WORK!

FINE.
WHATEVER.

THANK YOU.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE TO GO STOP YOUR CHILDREN

FROM PUTTING DOWN $70 ON
A MONTH-TO-MONTH LEASE. 70?

YEAH. THERE WAS A 50
STUCK TO THE 20.

I GOT IN A FIGHT WITH HER
RIGHT IN FRONT OF CHERYL,

AND SHE WANTS ME
TO BE NICE TO HER,

AND I DON'T THINK
I CAN DO IT.

I MEAN, EVERY TIME I SEE HER,
I JUST WANT TO TEE OFF ON HER.

SO GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.
TEE OFF ON ME INSTEAD.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT,
ANDY.

WHAT? YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA
HURT MY FEELINGS OR SOMETHING?

WE'RE BUDS.
I KNOW YOU WON'T MEAN IT.

I DON'T KNOW, ANDY.
COME ON, GET IN MY GRILLE.

HEY, I DON'T...
BRING IT, SALLY!

ALL RIGHT, MAMA'S BOY,

WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT
ANOTHER DOZEN DOUGHNUTS

OR GO PLAY WITH
YOUR "STAR WARS" DOLLS?!

SEE? ROLLS RIGHT OFF
THE OLD BACK.

OH, COME ON, ANDY,
I UPSET YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO UPSET YOU
IN THE MORNING LIKE THIS.

I DON'T WANT...
GET OFF MY BACK!

NO! NO! STOP IT! I'M
NOT AFRAID OF YOU!

GET OFF ME!

YOU GOT A FAMILY!
YOU'RE A BIG HOTSHOT!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
YOU'RE THE HOTSHOT!

ALL RIGHT!

MORNING, JIM.
GOOD MORNING.

YOU'RE HERE AWFULLY EARLY. I DIDN'T
EVEN HEAR YOU KNOCK. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M DOING THIS JOB FOR COST.
I DON'T NEED TO KNOCK.

COULD I PAY EXTRA FOR KNOCKING

OR FOR YOU
NOT TO GO THROUGH MY MAIL?

"CAT FANCY"?

HAVE YOU READ "CAT FANCY"?

WELL, LISTEN,
I GOTTA STICK AROUND.

I GOTTA GO UP TO THE BEDROOM
BECAUSE YOUR WIFE

WANTS THE SAME SIZE WINDOW
THAT'S IN THE BEDROOM

IN THE NURSERY.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, SHE'S STILL
ASLEEP, SO JUST KEEP IT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS. OH, HEY, JIM,

WHY IS ANDY OUT HERE CRYING?

IT'S WHAT HE DOES.

(cell phone camera shutter
clicks)

(laughs)

MMM.

MMM. (giggles)

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

COME ON, TAKE ME.
LET'S GO TO THE GAZEBO.

OH, YEAH, THE GAZEBO.

MMM.

YEAH, COME ON, TAKE ME, JIM.

OH, JIM, YOU NAUGHTY BOY.

(footsteps approach)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GOOD MORNING, DANA.

SLEEP WELL?

WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING
ON THE NURSERY?

I'LL GET TO THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WAS THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING

THAT WOULD BE PERFECT
FOR YOUR HOME, A NEW ADDITION.

YOUR GRAVE?

(chuckles)
I LOVE THE WAY WE BANTER.

NO, I WAS THINKING OF
SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE ROMANTIC

LIKE... A GAZEBO.

GAZEBO?

YEAH, A GAZEBO.

COME ON, HAVEN'T YOU EVER
DREAMT OF A ROMANTIC GAZEBO?

GAZEBO?

GAZEBO.

OHH.

DANA, WHY, YOU LOOK
AS IF YOU'D JUST SEEN A GHOST,

A VERY SEXY GHOST.

I'M FINE. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
GO SAW SOMETHING.

I'M SORRY.

HAVE I BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY?

(gasps)

OH! YOU KNOW!

KNOW WHAT, DANA?

KNOW WHAT?

THAT YOU HAD A DIRTY DREAM
ABOUT ME?

OHH, GOD! OH, GOD!

I THINK IT WAS MORE LIKE,
"OH, JIM, OH, JIM,"

BUT I ANSWER TO BOTH!

JIM, YOU CANNOT TELL
ANYBODY ABOUT THIS.

HMM. WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

NOTHING.

OH, OKAY.

CITIZENS, DANA'S GOT
THE HOTS FOR HER BROTHER-IN-LAW!

HEY! GOD! FINE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT...

I WANT NO MORE COMPLAINING,
I WANT NO MORE CHANGES.

FINE, FINE. WHATEVER. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

THEN YOUR SECRET REMAINS
WITH ME.

OOPS.

DROPPED MY KEYS.

(laughs)

HEY.
HEY.

(turns vacuum on)

HO, HO, HO.

(turns vacuum off)

I THOUGHT WE WERE
GOING TO BED. I FLOSSED.

I KNOW, BUT I'M JUST NOT TIRED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'M GOING OUT ON A LIMB HERE,

BUT, UH, YOU THINK
MAYBE IT'S THE COFFEE?

OH. IS THIS COFFEE?

NOW I'LL NEVER GET TO SLEEP.
SILLY DANA.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?

WHAT? I... I JUST...
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP.

WHY NOT?

UH... I SAW SOMETHING SCARY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
LIKE A SCARY MOVIE OR SOMETHING?

YES. YES, IT WAS JUST LIKE
A SCARY MOVIE,

LIKE A SCARY, BALDING,
HAM-HANDED MOVIE.

HEY, HEY, HEY, DON'T WORRY.
COME HERE, ALL RIGHT?

LOOK, YOUR BIG MAN'S HERE,
ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA PROTECT YOU.
OHH.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GO TO SLEEP

AND I'M GONNA STAY UP
AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT,
OKAY?

SO YOU GET SOME SLEEP, ANGEL.
MWAH.

I DO FEEL BETTER.
I'M GLAD.

GOOD NIGHT.
NIGHT, NIGHT.

OHH...

OH, MY GOODNESS.
(laughs)

DANA...

(laughs)

(laughs)

DANA!

LOVE YOUR HAIR.

AAH!

BABE, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU JUST HAD A BAD DREAM.

OH, THANKS, GENIUS!
WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SCREAMING?!

HONEY, JUST CALM DOWN,
ALL RIGHT?

JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP. OH, NO
WAY! I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT AGAIN.

DON'T YOU TELL ME
TO GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I AM NEVER GOING BACK
TO SLEEP EVER AGAIN!

HUH.

WELL, GO AFTER HER,

OR FINALLY HAVE A NIGHT
OF NO COLD FEET UNDER MY ASS?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE READY
TO HIT THE MALL IN A SEC.

I JUST HAVE TO FIND
THE CREDIT CARD

THAT JIM DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT.

I HIDE IT IN THE DVD
OF "THE ENGLISH PATIENT."

WHY CAN'T WE MAKE ANDY SHOP

FOR MOM'S STUPID
BIRTHDAY PRESENT?

HE'S THE ONLY ONE
WHO LIKES HER.

THAT'S A MEAN THING TO SAY...

OUT LOUD.

BESIDES, I'M MAKING HIM
COME WITH US.

OHH. I'M JUST CRANKY.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP
IN A FEW DAYS.

REALLY? YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING?
NO.

YOU WANT TO BORROW
"THE ENGLISH PATIENT"?

READY TO SHOP!

(cell phone camera shutter
clicks)

(cell phone chimes)

(laughs)

MMM.

UH-HUH.

HEY. READY TO GO?

SHH, SHH, SHH.
DANA'S TALKING IN HER SLEEP,

BUT I CAN'T MAKE OUT
WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

OH, YOU'RE SO SEXY.

(gasps)

SHE'S HAVING A SEX DREAM.
GROSS.

WE SHOULD WAKE HER.

HOLD ON. LET'S SEE
WHERE THIS GOES.

OH, LOOK AT THE GAZEBO.

COME ON, TAKE ME.

TAKE ME, JIM.

AAH!
AAH!

WHAT?! WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?!

YOU WERE DREAMING... ABOUT JIM!
(gasps)

LORD, WHY DOES EVERY SINGLE
WOMAN FIND THAT MAN SO SEXY?!

I'M NICE, I'M THOUGHTFUL,
I RESPECT WOMEN.

WHY CAN'T THE ANDYMAN
GET A LITTLE TAIL?

I AM SO SORRY, CHERYL.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HAVING
THESE DREAMS ABOUT JIM.

DO YOU HATE ME?

DANA, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
EVERYBODY HAS SEX DREAMS.

YOU KNOW, I HAD ONE ABOUT
TED KOPPEL ONCE. REALLY?

YEAH. HE WAS FILTHY.

NOW TED KOPPEL, I GET.

YEAH.

HEY, GUYS,

HEY, DANA.

OOPS. I DROPPED MY JACKET.

YOU SEE WHAT HE'S DOING?!
HE'S RUINING MY LIFE!

AW, YOU GUYS KNOW?!

YES.

DAMN. TOMORROW MORNING
I WAS GONNA COME TO YOUR HOUSE

DRESSED AS A PIRATE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO SLEEP IN DAYS

BECAUSE OF THESE STUPID DREAMS.

"DREAMS-S-S"?

WELL, WELL, WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE
YOU CAME BACK FOR SECONDS

AT THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT
JIM BUFFET.

WHAT IS IT, THE GIANT HEAD,
THE THICK NECK?

I-I JUST DON'T GET IT.

BEND OVER, JIM.
LET ME HAVE ANOTHER LOOK.

DANA, SERIOUSLY,
YOU'VE GOT TO LET IT GO.

IT'S JUST NOT A BIG DEAL.

NO, THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
THIS CANNOT LEAVE THIS ROOM.

THIS HAS TO STAY BETWEEN US.

RYAN CAN NEVER FIND OUT THAT
I'M HAVING SEX DREAMS ABOUT JIM.

SEX DREAMS ABOUT JIM?

OH, NO.

COME ON, DOC.

SERIOUSLY,
CAN YOU BLAME HER?

ARE YOU COMING TO BED?

I FLOSSED.

YOU SURE IT'S ME
YOU WANT IN THERE WITH YOU?

RYAN, OF COURSE I'M SURE.

REALLY? LOOK, I'M SORRY
THAT I'M NOT JIM, ALL RIGHT?

BUT I COULD ACT LIKE JIM
IF THAT WOULD TURN YOU ON.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE INTO?
JIM? HUH?

HUH? IS THAT WHAT YOU...
DOES THAT TURN YOU ON...

(imitating Jim)
OH, YEAH! I'M JIM!

LOOK AT MY BELLY! I'M JIM!

GET ME A BEER, ALL RIGHT?!
GET ME A...

HEY, PULL MY FINGER,
ALL RIGHT?!

CUBS! BEARS! OH, YEAH!

TV, BEER, STEAK!

(belches)

(sobs)

(normal voice) BABE,
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

I'M SCARED.

THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

BABE, I'M SORRY,

BUT THIS WHOLE THING IS
JUST REALLY FREAKIN' ME OUT.

IT'S FREAKING YOU OUT?!

YOU'RE NOT THE ONE JIM'S TAKING
IN THE GAZEBO EVERY NIGHT.

THERE'S A LOT MORE GOING ON
IN THIS DREAM

THAN JUST JIM, YOU KNOW?
YES, THERE IS!

YEAH. LIKE, UM, WELL,
LIKE THE GAZEBO.

(snaps, claps)
YES! THE GAZEBO.

OKAY, MAYBE THE GAZEBO
IS BECAUSE...

BECAUSE WE WATCHED
"THE SOUND OF MUSIC" LAST MONTH.

YES, YES, AND THAT'S
MY FAVORITE MOVIE! YEAH.

AND JIM IS A BIT OF A NAZI.

OKAY, LET'S JUST, YOU KNOW,
SPIN THE WHEELS,

SPIN THE WHEELS,
SPIN THE WHEELS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE IT'S NOT EVEN OUR JIM.

MAYBE IT'S LIKE, ANOTHER JIM.
MAYBE IT'S LIKE A JIM... NABORS.

IS THAT REALLY BETTER?

OKAY?

I'M THINKING SORT OF LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW, JIM TRESSEL.

OOH, THE HEAD COACH
AT OHIO STATE.

OH, BABE, I LOVE YOU
SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

OKAY, WE'RE GETTIN' THERE.

OKAY, LOOK, IS THERE ANY,
LIKE, GOOD QUALITY ABOUT JIM

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU
WANT TO...

OH, GOD...
CONNECT TO HIM?

OKAY, GOOD QUALITIES.
YEAH.

UM, HE ALWAYS WEARS A WATCH.

OKAY, THERE'S ONE.

OKAY, AND, UM, UM...

OH, I SAW HIM EAT CELERY ONCE!

OKAY, AND HE'S BEEN DOING
A GREAT JOB ON THE NURSERY.

GOTTA GIVE IT UP. YES, YES!
HE'S HAD SOME VERY GOOD IDEAS,

LIKE, HE WANTED TO PUT A SHELF
NEXT TO THE CHANGING TABLE

FOR LOTION AND BABY WIPES.

WHICH IS AMAZING FOR A MAN
THAT'S NEVER CHANGED A DIAPER.

OH, NO, ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO, HE'S CHANGED
THOUSANDS OF THEM.

HE JUST TELLS YOU GUYS
THAT HE DOESN'T DO THAT STUFF,

BUT HE'S ACTUALLY REALLY GREAT
WITH THE KIDS.

I MEAN, HE READS TO THEM,
HE BRUSHES THE GIRLS' HAIR,

HE TUCKS THEM IN.
IT'S VERY SWEET.

YOU THINK JIM'S A GOOD DAD?
YEAH.

HAVE YOU TOLD HIM?

OH, GOD, NO. THAT WOULD
MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD.

DANA, THAT COULD BE
WHAT ALL THIS IS ABOUT.

I MEAN, COME ON, YOU AND I

HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT
GETTING PREGNANT, RIGHT?

AND YOU THINK JIM
IS LIKE A GREAT FATHER.

I MEAN, COME ON.

HMM.

ANOTHER CASH DEPOSIT
IN THE BANK OF "ROADHOUSE."

(door opens)

HEY.

HEY. UH, CHERYL ALREADY
WENT TO BED.

THAT'S OKAY.
I CAME TO SEE YOU.

I THOUGHT WE SHOULD
HAVE A TALK.

OH, THIS CAN'T BE GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

(clears throat)

SO RYAN HAS A THEORY

ON WHY I'M HAVING THESE DREAMS
ABOUT YOU.

I HAVE A THEORY, TOO.

YOU'RE ACHIN' FOR MY BACON!

WILL YOU STOP?
THIS IS TOUGH.

RYAN THINKS IT'S BECAUSE...
AND YOU'RE GONNA LAUGH...

I THINK YOU'RE A GOOD FATHER.

AW, GET OUTTA HERE.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
AND I THINK HE'S RIGHT.

WHEN WE HAVE KIDS, I HOPE
RYAN'S AS GOOD A DAD AS YOU ARE.

HUH.

YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE NOT
THINKIN' ABOUT MY LINCOLN?

JIM.

HOT FOR MY KNOT?
OHH!

WAIT A MINUTE, DANA,
DANA, DANA, DANA, DANA,

HOLD ON, HOLD ON,
WAIT A SECOND.

YOU REALLY...

YOU REALLY THINK
RYAN SHOULD BE LIKE ME, HUH?

JUST THE GOOD PARTS.
I MEAN...

WELL, CAN I LET YOU IN
ON A LITTLE SECRET? WHAT?

BEING A PARENT IS THE TOUGHEST
THING I'VE EVER DONE,

BUT YOU FIND IT.

IT'S IN YOU...

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH,

REMEMBER, YOU GOT
CHERYL AND ME HERE.

WE CAN HELP YOU.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

THANKS.

OH, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
(laughs)

OHH. (yawns)

ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN NICE
TO YOU FOR THE LAST TWO MINUTES.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

I GOTTA BALANCE IT OUT
WITH A COUPLE OF INSULTS HERE.

LIKE YOU'RE OBNOXIOUS.

YOU'RE PUSHY.

YOU'RE A DROOLER.

(cell phone camera shutter
clicking)