According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 8 - James & the Annoying Peach - full transcript

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---
(snoring)

UNCLE ANDY,
WAKE UP, WAKE UP!

WHAT? WHAT? UM...

OH, WHAT DO YOU PUNKS WANT?

COME IN THE KITCHEN.
WE NEED YOUR HELP.

YEAH...

AND IF I GO INTO SAID KITCHEN,
CHILDREN,

IS IT POSSIBLE SOMETHING
MIGHT FALL ON MY HEAD?

YEAH, GO IN THERE!

KYLE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO SAY "NO."

HA HA HA.
AH, MY LITTLE CHIMPS,



UNCLE ANDY'S A LITTLE TOO SMART

TO FALL FOR
THE BUCKET-OVER-THE-DOOR GAG.

THE PUDDING IN THE LOAFERS GAG,
HOWEVER...

(laughing)

WHY, YOU!

(screaming)

OH, CRAP.

(Jim laughs)

THAT'LL TEACH
YOUR UNCLE ANDY

NOT TO SLEEP IN MY CHAIR!

(laughing)

IT'S STILL PUDDING.

♪♪♪

WHAT THEY DON'T TEACH YOU
IN SCHOOL



IS THAT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS
SIGNED

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
IN PENCIL.

SO SINCE
THEY WERE IN PHILADELPHIA,

THEY CALLED THE STATE
PENCIL-VANIA.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS,

WHY DON'T YOU GO
GET YOUR BACKPACKS READY?

YOU KNOW, IF THEY SIGNED IT
IN LOUISVILLE,

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED
PENCIL-TUCKY.

THEY DON'T HAVE
A SENSE OF HUMOR, THESE GIRLS.

LITTLE MORNING HUMOR,
LITTLE JOKES.

SO, HONEY, HOW ARE YOU
THIS MORNING?

HONEY?

I'M FINE.

I'M FINE. UH, I GOTTA
GO TO WORK. I'M LATE.

NO, WAIT. YOU'RE NOT LATE.

HONEY, STAY, TALK TO ME.
HAVE SOME PEACH.

UNH-UNH. NO, THANK YOU.

UH, I GOTTA GO, HONEY.
I GOTTA GO.

NO, JIM, EVERY DAY THIS WEEK,
YOU RUSH RIGHT OFF.

WELL, IT'S NOT RUSHING, HONEY.
I JUST GOTTA GET TO WORK.

HONEY, IS SOMETHING
BOTHERING YOU?

NO, NO,
UH, I'M... I'M FINE.

REALLY?

IS IT...
IS IT THE NEW SHEETS?

WORK?

(gasps) I KNOW.

ARE THE BEARS HAVING TROUBLE
SCORING RUNS?

I'M FINE.
I'LL SEE YA TONIGHT.

HEY, JIM.

I'M FINE!

MAN, SOMETHING'S
REALLY BOTHERING JIM.

I WISH I COULD GET HIM
TO OPEN UP ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, BEFORE RYAN AND I
GOT MARRIED,

WE WENT AND SAW
A THERAPIST.

OH, YEAH.

MOM'S PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
ENGAGEMENT GIFT.

YEAH.
YEAH.

RYAN TOTALLY OPENED UP,
AND I LEARNED SO MUCH

ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH HIS MOTHER.

SO NOW I CAN NAG HIM IN A WAY
THAT'S DIFFERENT FROM HER.

WOW. OH, I WISH I COULD
GET JIM INTO THERAPY.

THERE'S NO WAY.

HE GOES TO A BARBER
IN CHINATOWN

JUST TO AVOID
PERSONAL QUESTIONS.

SO TRICK HIM INTO IT.

OH, DANA,
I COULD NEVER TRICK HIM.

I MEAN, UNLESS YOU
EXPLAINED HOW REALLY SLOWLY.

WELL, I THINK YOU KNOW
OUR THERAPIST, SALLY WOO.

OH, YEAH, HER KID'S
IN GRACIE'S CLASS... DAKOTA WOO.

YEAH.
YEAH.

OKAY,
SO INVITE SALLY OVER,

TELL JIM SHE'S HERE
FOR BRUNCH,

AND THEN PUT OUT
A BIG PLATE OF BACON.

(gasps) OH, YOU KNOW,
THE SCENT OF BREAKFAST MEATS

ALWAYS RELAXES JIM.

IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE
HIS AROMATHERAPY.

EXACTLY. SO THEN
YOU SET THE MOOD,

AND YOU LET SALLY
TAKE IT FROM THERE.

WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK?

WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD
PACK YOUR BAGS, HIT THE ROAD,

AND EARN YOUR KEEP
AS A TABLE DANCER.

(crowd cheering on TV)

SO, JIM,

CHERYL INVITES HER FRIEND SALLY
OVER FOR BRUNCH,

AND YOU INVITE ME.
I SMELL A FIX UP.

I DIDN'T INVITE YOU, ANDY.

THEN MAYBE
I JUST SMELL BACON.

AND PLENTY OF IT, HUH?
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I FEEL SO RELAXED.

I CAN'T TREAT JIM
WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION.

THERAPY IS BASED ON TRUST

AND THE PATIENT'S WILLINGNESS
TO PARTICIPATE.

I'M SORRY. I JUST
CAN'T JUSTIFY IT ETHICALLY.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.
IT'S TOO BAD, THOUGH,

'CAUSE I WAS GONNA
GIVE YOU MY RECIPE

FOR SINFULLY SWEET
DOUBLE CHUNK BROWNIES.

(gasps)
THE BROWNIES YOU WON

THE SCHOOL BAKE-OFF WITH
THREE TIMES?

YEAH.

I SHOULDN'T, THOUGH,
YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK
I COULD JUSTIFY IT,

YOU KNOW, ETHICALLY.

OH.

HALF NOW...

HALF WHEN
THE JOB IS DONE.

HEY, SIS.

ANDY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JIM INVITED ME.

NO, I DIDN'T!

AHEM.

OH.

SALLY,
THIS IS MY BROTHER ANDY.

HELLO.
HI.

SHE'S MARRIED.

LET HER TELL ME.

(Sally) SO...

JIM, YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR.

YES.

THAT'S SORT OF
A SEASONAL JOB, ISN'T IT?

WELL, YEAH, SEASONAL.

KINDA LIKE, UH, FOOTBALL,
WHICH IS ON TV RIGHT NOW.

THAT KIND OF WORK MUST
MAKE YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS,

UNSURE ABOUT THE FUTURE.

WELL, NOT REALLY, BUT YOU KNOW
WHO'S UNSURE ABOUT THE FUTURE?

THESE FOOTBALL PLAYERS
ON TV RIGHT NOW.

DO YOU EVER WAKE UP
IN THE MORNING

AND JUST KIND OF WONDER
IF IT'S ALL GONNA END?

OH, GOD, I DO.

(gasps) WE NEVER KNOW
FROM MONTH TO MONTH

IF THERE'S GONNA BE
ANOTHER JOB.

I GOT A MORTGAGE.
I GOT A NEW CAR.

I BOUGHT THE BIGGEST
KARAOKE MACHINE THEY MAKE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

ANDY, HEY, HONEY,
YOU WANT SOME BACON?

WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO EAT
MY FEELINGS? WHO ARE YOU, MOM?

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

JIM, I JUST THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE
SOME INSECURITIES

AND WOULD PROBABLY BENEFIT
BY TALKING ABOUT THEM.

HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

LIKE I HAVE TWO WIVES.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

SALLY'S A THERAPIST.
WHAT?!

CHERYL... SO SHE'S HERE
FOR ME, IS THAT IT?

IS THAT WHAT
YOU'RE TELLING ME?

JIM, CHERYL WAS CONCERNED
ABOUT YOU,

AND SHE JUST THOUGHT
I COULD HELP.

YOU'RE TRYING TO TRICK ME
INTO THERAPY?

GOOD GOD, WOMAN,
ON GAME DAY?

HONEY, I-I JUST WANNA KNOW
WHY YOU'VE BEEN

SO QUIET
AT BREAKFAST LATELY.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S
BOTHERING ME? YES.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S BOTHERIN' ME.

IT'S THE PEACHES.

WHAT?

IT'S THE CRAZY, BIZARRO WAY

YOU EAT THE PEACHES!

YOU CUT UP THOSE PEACHES
INTO LITTLE CUBES,

AND YOU GOT
THE COLORED TOOTHPICKS

AND YOU PICK... EACH...
ONE... OUT, AND YOU...

THEN YOU PUT IT BACK
IN THE PEACH!

NOBODY EATS PEACHES LIKE THAT!
WHO EATS PEACHES LIKE THAT?!

HONEY, THAT CAN'T BE IT.
I MEAN, THAT'S NOTHING.

I KNOW IT'S NOTHING. THAT'S WHY
I TOLD YOU IT WAS NOTHING.

IT FEELS BAD IN THE MOMENT,

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE,
IT PASSES.

IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN A DOCTOR
CHECKS YOUR PROSTATE.

EXACTLY.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' FORWARD
TO IT FOR WEEKS,

AND THEN IT'S OVER
LIKE THAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

(chuckles)
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

UM, MY DOCTOR'S A WOMAN.

HOW ARE
YOUR TUESDAY AFTERNOONS?

IS IT REALLY
ABOUT THE PEACHES?

YES, CHERYL,
IT'S ABOUT THE PEACHES.

IT'S JUST ABOUT...

THE PEACHES!

DO YOU REMEMBER
WHAT DR. SALLY SAID?

CUTTIN' UP THOSE PEACHES
IN THOSE LITTLE CUBES...

IT'S OBSESSIVE.

JIM, I CAN'T ALLOW THE JUICE
TO TOUCH MY FACE.

WHAT'S OBSESSIVE ABOUT THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU TRICK YOURSELF
INTO THERAPY AND FIND OUT?

OKAY, HONEY, LOOK,

IF IT WAS REALLY
ABOUT THE PEACHES,

WHY COULDN'T YOU
JUST TELL ME?

BECAUSE I'M THE KIND OF GUY
WHO LIKES TO SLEEP

INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT
SUMMER FRUIT ALL NIGHT!

IS IT SO WEIRD THAT I WANNA
KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS?

HONEY, YOU WANNA KNOW
ALL OF MY THOUGHTS.

NOT EVERY THOUGHT HAS TO BE
PUT INTO YOUR PRECIOUS WORDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
TO THOUGHTS

WHEN THEY DON'T COME OUT?
YES, THEY GO AWAY.

BUT NOT WITH YOU.

NO, YOU WANNA
TALK AND TALK AND TALK

AND THEN TALK SOME MORE. OH, I
GUESS IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR YOU

IF I DIDN'T TALK AT ALL.

IS THAT ON THE MENU?

OH, COME ON. YOU'D BE
A MESS IN THREE DAYS.

(laughs) ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
I'D LOVE IT.

YOU KNOW, HONEY,
SOME MEN DREAM OF SEX.

I DREAM OF SILENCE...

AND SEX.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH.

FINE. FINE. THREE DAYS.

I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU
FOR THREE DAYS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LAST.

I CAN, AND I WILL.

AH. THREE SECONDS.
YOU JUST BROKE IT.

WELL, COME ON, HONEY,
WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT...

BAP, BAP, BAP, BAP,
BAPPETY, BAPPETY, BE BA BAP.

AH, I KINDA LIKE THIS.

IT'S SO...

NON-TALKY.

OH, BY THE WAY...

YOU EAT GRAPES WEIRD, TOO.

OH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE CHILDREN ARE SMART
BECAUSE OF ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I NEVER REALLY LIKED OPRAH.

(gasps)

OH, ONE MORE THING...

I LOVE YOU, HONEY,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I NEVER WASH MY HANDS AFTER
I GO TO THE BATHROOM. OH!

(whistles)

GOOD MORNING TO YOU,
MY FINE YOUNG LASS.

AH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING
IT IS.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW

THAT THE BIRDS WERE SINGING
OUTSIDE OUR BEDROOM WINDOW?

AND I HEARD THEM...

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

OH, HERE'S
AN INTERESTING ARTICLE.

THERE'S A MAN HERE
THAT'S JUST BEEN

REUNITED WITH HIS FATHER
AFTER 32 YEARS.

GEE...

THAT'S ALMOST
AS LONG AS IT'S BEEN

SINCE I'VE SEEN
MY FATHER.

WHAT'S THAT LOOK?

WHAT'S IT MEAN, CHERYL?

DOES IT MEAN,
"HOW DO YOU FEEL, JIM?"

OR IS IT, "I WONDER
WHAT MARMADUKE IS UP TO"?

(laughs)

THAT DOG IS WAY TOO BIG
TO RIDE IN THAT BUS.

HEY.

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?

IN EXACTLY TWO MINUTES,

MY THREE DAYS OF SILENCE
ARE OVER.

SO I'M MAKING A LIST OF
EVERYTHING THAT'S BUGGING JIM.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ONLY
ON HERE TWICE?

HMM. WELL, I WAS
BUSY WITH WORK. OH.

SO IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
TALKING TO JIM,

HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHAT'S BUGGIN' HIM?

OH, IT'S EASY.
EVERYTHING BUGS HIM. OH.

YOU KNOW, I SAW HIM GET
IN A FIGHT WITH A NAPKIN ONCE?

YEAH. SO WHY IS
THAT YOUR PROBLEM?

DANA, IT'S MY JOB.

IF JIM DOESN'T TALK ABOUT
THESE THINGS WITH ME,

THEN THE PRESSURE BUILDS UP,
AND HE EXPLODES.

OKAY, SO JIM GETS
THREE DAYS OF QUIET,

AND THEN YOU RUSH IN
AND YOU FIX ALL HIS PROBLEMS?

I SAY, ZIP YOUR LIP
AND LET HIM BLOW.

IS THAT ON THE MENU?

AHEM.

OH, HERE COMES
MY YOUNG, SILENT BRIDE,

AND BY THE OFFICIAL TIMEPIECE,

YOU'VE MADE IT.

ALL RIGHT, SIT DOWN.

YOU'VE GOT THREE DAYS
OF YAP STORED UP.

LET IT RIP.

ACTUALLY, JIM,
CHERYL'S NOT GONNA DO THAT.

YOUR WIFE HAS REALIZED THAT
NOTHING SHE WAS GONNA SAY TO YOU

IN THE LAST THREE DAYS
WAS IMPORTANT. YOU WERE RIGHT.

(gasps)

A SILENT "YOU WERE RIGHT."

OH, YOU DREAM OF ONE,

BUT YOU NEVER THINK
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

SO AS OF NOW,
CHERYL IS COMPLETELY

GIVING UP TALKING TO YOU.

AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?

NOTHIN' ELSE IS GONNA CHANGE?
YOU'RE HAPPY?

(laughs) CARRY ON, BABY!

CHERYL ALSO WANTED ME
TO TELL YOU YOU'RE A JACKASS.

FINE, THAT ONE WAS FROM ME.

(laughs)

JIM.

WHAT?

ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY WITH HER
NOT TALKING TO YOU AGAIN?

ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
SHE'S NOT GONNA MAKE THE WEEK,

AND UNTIL THEN,
LET ME TELL YA,

I'M GONNA ENJOY
EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

COME ON.
HOT, BLONDE AND SILENT.

I'VE BUILT THE PERFECT WIFE.

MOM'S GONNA LOVE THIS. MM.

I'M FINE, BY THE WAY.

WHAT?

WELL, WOULD IT KILL YOU
TO ASK ME HOW I'M DOIN'?

I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN HERE
FOR THREE HOURS.

OKAY. HOW YOU DOIN', JIM?

I SAID I WAS FINE.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.
JEEZ. GET OFF MY BACK.

JIM, UH, IN MY WORK
WITH DR. SALLY WOO,

I'VE LEARNED ABOUT THE DANGERS
OF UNPROCESSED FEELINGS.

SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH,
SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

YOU HEAR THAT?

WHAT?

(buzzing)

THE FLY. YOU HEAR THAT FLY?

THE LITTLE BUGGER'S
BEEN TORMENTING ME ALL DAY.

IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

RIGHT. THE FLY.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S THE FLY
THAT'S TORMENTING YOU?

UHH! WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT?

UHH!
JIM.

(Both) AAH!

AAH.

JIM!
JIM, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.

YOU'RE LOSIN' IT, MAN.

YEAH. YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SHOULD SETTLE DOWN.

YEAH.

IT'S JUST A FLY.

FOOLED YA!

JIM!

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF,
MAN!

THESE PRETZELS
WERE COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

OH!

OKAY, GIVE ME THAT BAT!
COME AND GET IT!

(deep voice, British accent)
ENOUGH.

LET GO OF YOUR ANGER.

(normal voice)
THERE YOU GO.

NOW I KNOW YOU SAY
THAT YOU'RE HAPPY

THAT CHERYL
ISN'T TALKING TO YOU,

BUT FROM WHERE I STAND,
SOMETHIN' AIN'T RIGHT.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

THEN GIVE ME THE BAT.

NO! UHH!

(deep voice)
GIVE ME THE BAT.

(grunts) FINE.

TAKE IT.

(sighs)

(imitates lightsaber sound)

JEEPERS, JIM. SOMETIMES
YOU REALLY WORRY ME.

SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

(whispers) HOLD STILL.

AND WHY IS THAT, JIM?

(gags)

TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

(gags)

(imitates lightsaber sound)

YEAH. ANDY THINKS THAT
THERE'S SOMETHIN' BOTHERING ME.

I THINK HE'S NUTS.
I MEAN, I KILLED THE DAMN FLY.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
UNLESS YOU THINK

THERE'S SOMETHING
BOTHERING ME.

FINE. FINE.
DON'T TALK TO ME.

DON'T TELL ME
WHAT'S BOTHERIN' ME.

I DON'T NEED TO KNOW.
I DON'T NEED YOU.

I DON'T NEED YOU.

I CAN FIGURE OUT
WHAT'S BOTHERIN' ME.

I-I KNOW
WHAT'S BOTHERIN' ME.

THE SAME THING
THAT'S ALWAYS BOTHERED ME...

TAXES! TAXES AND TRAFFIC!

MONEY?

SOMETHING WITH THE KIDS?

COME ON, CHERYL!

FORGET IT! FORGET IT!
I CAN FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!

THERE'S TOO MUCH SILENCE IN
HERE, AND I CAN'T CONCENTRATE,

THAT'S ALL IT IS! I'M JUST
GONNA GO IN THE OTHER ROOM,

MAKE SOME NOISE, AND I'M GONNA
FIGURE IT OUT MY DAMN SELF!

(pounding and grunting)

I THINK I KNOW
WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.

REALLY?

EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING?

YEAH, JIM.
EVERYTHING BOTHERS YOU.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS...

SOUNDS RIGHT.

YEAH. SEE, JIM, YOU NEED
SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

YOU NEED A SOUNDING BOARD.

FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS,

THAT SOUNDING BOARD
HAS BEEN ME.

YOU MISS ME.

THAT'S NOT IT, CHERYL.
THAT'S NOT IT.

THAT'S NOT IT.
I LIKE THE SILENCE.

OH, OKAY.

I DO.

OKAY.

IT'S JUST...

I JUST DON'T LIKE
BEING OUT THERE ALONE.

TOO MANY THINGS
GET BROKEN.

AND HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT
FROM YOU MISS ME?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S NOT SO GIRLY.

HONEY.

WHAT?

OH, WHEN I ASK YOU
WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU,

I'M NOT TRYING TO UPSET YOU.
I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

I KNOW THAT NOW.
UH-HUH.

I DO.
GOOD.

AND THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

I DO MISS YOU.
I KNOW.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE BIT.

(laughs)

(exhales deeply)

(sighs) MM.

YOU KNOW, CHERYL...
HMM?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW
EVERY THOUGHT

THAT'S GOIN' ON
IN MY MIND.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES A PEACH
IS JUST A PEACH, CHERYL.

I KNOW. I KNOW.
HONEY, I TOTALLY GET THAT,

AND TO SHOW YOU THE VALUE
OF GOOD COMMUNICATION...

(gasps)

OH, THAT IS SO HOT!

CHERYL?

AAH! JUICE ON MY FACE!
JUICE ON MY FACE!

I'LL GET IT, I'LL GET IT,
I'LL GET IT. OH! OH! OH!