According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Race - full transcript
Kyle is no good in basketball, but Jim says men don't quit, they try harder. So Cheryl challenges him to join Dana in a 10 km run. When Jim finds out he isn't fit enough do it, Andy tells him he has a foolproof plan.
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
ALL RIGHT, STOP.
OKAY...
NOW TRY WALKING.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU GIRLS DOING?
DADDY'S SHOWING US
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE DRUNK.
THEY ASK QUESTIONS,
I HAVE ANSWERS.
YEAH.
PRETTY YUCKY, HUH?
I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE.
TIME FOR YOU GIRLS
TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
I CAN'T DO MY HOMEWORK
TILL THE ROOM STOPS SPINNING.
WELL, WELCOME TO COLLEGE.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
♪♪♪
AND UP, TWO, THREE.
AND DOWN, TWO, THREE.
ARE YOU WEARING A THONG,
TWO, THREE?
YOU WANT ME TO CHAFE,
TWO, THREE?
WHOO! I'M BEAT.
HOW CAN YOU BE BEAT?
WE HAVEN'T STARTED RUNNING YET.
THIS WAS JUST A WARM-UP.
I'M PLENTY WARM.
FEEL BETWEEN MY THIGHS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU COULD COOK A DUCK IN THERE.
WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
BESIDES, WE RAN
5 MILES YESTERDAY.
OH, COME ON, ANDY, WE DROVE
4 1/2 MILES TO THE PARK,
AND THE NEXT HALF MILE,
WE WALKED TO A POPSICLE STAND.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
LET ME JUST SEE
WHO'S ON "ELLEN" FIRST.
WE'RE NOT GONNA BE
WATCHING "ELLEN."
WE'RE GONNA GO RUN.
IS THAT THAT HOT CHICK
FROM "LOST"?
WELL, I CAN'T RUN NOW.
ALL THE BLOOD
RAN OUT OF MY LEGS.
HEY, THERE'S MY YOUNG BOY.
HOW WAS BASKETBALL PRACTICE?
OH, HE LOOKED SO CUTE
IN HIS UNIFORM.
HOW DID HE PLAY? HE LOOKED
SO CUTE IN HIS UNIFORM.
YEAH, I DON'T THINK
BASKETBALL'S HIS GAME.
HE GOT A LITTLE FRUSTRATED,
AND THEY HAD TO PUT HIM
IN THE PENALTY BOX.
THERE'S NO PENALTY BOX
IN BASKETBALL.
THERE WAS TODAY.
BASKETBALL'S TOO HARD.
I WANNA QUIT!
OKAY, BABY,
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
I GUESS YOU DON'T HAVE TO
PLAY ANYMORE.
THANKS, MOMMY.
EXCUSE ME, MOMMY,
I DON'T RECALL
DADDY SIGNING OFF
ON KYLE QUITTING BASKETBALL.
JIM, YOU HEARD HIM.
HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE YOUR SISTER,
BUT I DON'T QUIT THE FAMILY.
HEY!
CHERYL, LOOK,
I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE ME
UNDERCUTTING YOUR AUTHORITY
IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
LET'S GO IN THE KITCHEN SO I CAN
UNDERCUT YOUR AUTHORITY THERE.
LET'S GO.
CHERYL...
ARE YOU WEARING A THONG?
YEAH. YOU WANT IT BACK?
CHERYL, KYLE SIGNED UP
FOR A SEASON OF BASKETBALL.
HE IS GOING TO
FINISH AND COMPLETE
A SEASON OF BASKETBALL.
JIM, HE DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY.
I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF
THOSE CONTROLLING PARENTS
WHO MAKES THEIR KIDS
DO ALL SORTS OF THINGS
THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
WHAT, ARE YOU NEW IN TOWN?
THAT'S WHAT
PARENTING IS, HONEY.
JIM...
WHAT?
YOU HEARD HIM.
HE DOESN'T LIKE BASKETBALL.
NO, HE DIDN'T SAY
HE DIDN'T LIKE BASKETBALL.
HE SAID IT WAS HARD.
AND THAT'S NOT
THE REASON TO QUIT.
I MEAN, IT MAY BE OKAY
FOR YOU GUYS,
BUT I'M TRYING TO
RAISE A MAN HERE.
EXCUSE ME?
NO, I DON'T THINK
I WILL EXCUSE YOU.
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
MEN DON'T QUIT.
WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH,
THEY TRY HARDER.
THAT'S THE WAY GOD MADE US.
THAT'S WHY HE DOESN'T LET
YOUR KIND BE PRESIDENT.
RICHARD NIXON QUIT.
HE RESIGNED.
THAT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
BESIDES, IF HE REALLY
WANTED TO QUIT,
PAT WOULDN'T HAVE LET HIM.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE
MARRIED PAT NIXON.
BELIEVE ME,
SHE WAS A HANDSOME WOMAN.
BUT SADLY, THAT SHIP
HAS LEFT THE HARBOR.
KYLE, YOU ARE
STICKING WITH BASKETBALL.
BECAUSE WHEN MEN MAKE
A COMMITMENT IN THIS FAMILY,
THEY STICK WITH IT.
OH, THAT IS SUCH CRAP!
YOU TWO QUITTERS
MADE SUCH A BIG DEAL
ABOUT JOGGING EVERY DAY.
HAVE YOU EVEN GONE ONCE?
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW ANDY AND I
CLOCKED 5 MILES YESTERDAY,
RIGHT, ANDY?
SHH! ELLEN GOT
THE "LOST" CHICK TO DANCE.
YOU GO, "LOST."
WOW. MAN, IF YOU GUYS
RAN 5 MILES YESTERDAY,
YOU MUST BE
IN PRETTY GOOD SHAPE.
LOOK AT ME.
MY PANTS ARE
HANGING OFF ME.
I EVEN WENT DOWN
A WHOLE HAT SIZE.
TO BE FAIR, THAT'S WHERE
YOU HAD THE MOST FAT TO LOSE.
YOU KNOW,
SINCE YOU'RE SO FIT,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUN
THE OAK PARK 10K WITH DANA.
THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
THE RACE IS NEXT WEEK.
YEAH!
FINISHING 10K
SHOULD BE NO PROBLEM FOR YOU,
WHAT WITH YOUR
SUPER-SLIM HEAD AND ALL.
YOU CAN FINISH,
CAN'T YOU, DADDY?
YOU BET I CAN, KYLE.
BECAUSE I'M NOT A QUITTER!
COOL!
COOL!
COOL!
COOL!
DADDY, CAN I COME WATCH YOU
RUN THE RACE?
YES, YOU CAN.
I'M GONNA NEED YOU THERE
TO CHEER ME ON, SON.
AND PROBABLY
A PARAMEDIC.
YOU LITTLE SISSY GIRL!
HUH? YOU GOT THREE DAYS
TILL THE BIG RACE.
PUSH IT
LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR!
COME ON, I'M EXHAUSTED.
I'M TIRED FROM DRAGGING
THIS THING OUT HERE
IN THE FIRST PLACE!
HEY, WE'RE SIMULATING
RACE CONDITIONS.
UH-OH, HERE COMES
A GRAVEL TRUCK!
HEY! HEY!
OH, NO,
IT'S RAINING!
COME ON, ANDY, STOP IT!
OH, HOLY COW! BEES!
ANDY, KNOCK IT OFF!
KNOCK IT OFF!
HOW FAR HAVE I GONE?
8, 9K?
5K.
WHAT?!
ALL RIGHT, 4K.
REALLY, 3.2.
HOW FAR IS 10K ANYWAY?
ABOUT 6 MILES.
I THOUGHT A K
WAS LIKE A BLOCK.
STUPID METRIC SYSTEM.
REMIND ME TO
WRITE A LETTER TO EUROPE.
WILL DO, BUT WE'RE
STILL WAITING FOR THEIR REPLY
TO YOUR LETTER ABOUT
SOCCER BEING GAY.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
JUST FORGET IT.
I THOUGHT I COULD
PULL THIS OFF.
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO
FINISH THIS RACE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WHEN I
HAVE TO TELL KYLE I GOTTA QUIT?
WELL, ME BEING LIKE YOU,
ONE CHILI FRY AWAY
FROM THE ALMIGHTY,
I SAW THIS COMING.
I GOT A PLAN, OKAY?
NOW IT IS FOOLPROOF,
BUT ETHICALLY,
IT'S A LITTLE SHAKY.
THAT JUST MEANS
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
COME ON,
LET ME HEAR IT.
HERE IS A MAP
OF THE RACE, OKAY?
NOW WHEN THE RACE BEGINS,
YOU GO ABOUT
1/3 OF THE WAY.
OKAY.
THEN WHEN NO ONE'S AROUND,
YOU TAKE A SHORTCUT
THROUGH MISS TAN'S.
MISS TAN'S?
WHAT'S THAT?
VIETNAMESE NAIL SALON.
TOP DRAWER.
MENTION MY NAME.
NOW YOU CAN'T JUST
CUT THROUGH.
YOU'D FINISH THE RACE
TOO SOON, RIGHT?
OKAY, SO ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE,
YOU KICK IT FOR A BIT.
SAY ABOUT A HALF-HOUR.
THEN YOU SNEAK OUT THE BACK,
GO DOWN THE ALLEY,
JOIN THE RACE,
FINISH THE LAST FEW BLOCKS,
NO ONE'S THE WISER.
THAT IS BRILLIANT, ANDY.
BY CHEATING, I TEACH KYLE
ABOUT NOT QUITTING.
HE'LL NEVER KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.
YEAH, KIDS ARE STUPID.
YEAH, MY BOY.
READY FOR ME
TO WHUP YOUR BUTT, SALLY?
YOU KNOW WHAT, DANA?
I NEVER SAID
THAT I COULD BEAT YOU.
I SAID THAT I WOULD FINISH.
AND I WILL.
OH, PLEASE.
YOU COULDN'T FINISH
IF THE LAST MILE WAS DOWNHILL,
COVERED IN VASELINE,
AND THE FINISH LINE
WAS MADE OUT OF HAM.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
MAKE IT INTERESTING, GIRL?
OKAY.
LET'S SAY IF YOU MAKE IT,
I'LL DO THE LOSER DANCE.
AND IF YOU DON'T,
YOU DO THE JIM DANCE,
WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH
THE SAME THING.
DEAL.
(Announcer)
RUNNERS, ON YOUR MARK...
GET SET...
GO!
(pistol fires)
(cheers and applause)
(heart beating continuously)
(Jim thinking)
THAT'S IT. KEEP GOING.
A FEW MORE MINUTES,
AND I'LL BE SITTING
ON MY ASS, SUCKERS.
(heart beating sound stops)
(heart beating sound resumes)
HUH. THAT WAS WEIRD.
YES!
OH... MAN.
OH, WHEW.
WHOO.
WATER.
WATER GOOD!
HELLO.
YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?
OH, YES, AND AFTERWARDS,
I'M GONNA GO ACROSS THE STREET,
GET SOME HIGHLIGHTS
AND A BIKINI WAX.
YOU GET TREATMENT HERE,
OR YOU GET OUT.
IT'S COOL. I KNOW ANDY.
THEN YOU HAVE TO
PAY UP FRONT.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL HAVE WHATEVER
SHE'S HAVING.
MANI-PEDI. 20 BUCKS.
THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT
OF MONEY.
WHOO, MONEY'S HOT.
ALL RIGHT,
HOW LONG DOES THIS TAKE?
15 MINUTES.
BUT IF I HAVE TO
CLEAN UP YOUR EYEBROWS,
MUCH LONGER.
JUST DO THE NAILS.
OKAY.
MY WIFE SAID THIS IS
SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING.
I DON'T GET IT.
I GET THAT.
THAT FEELS GOOD.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
REALLY GOOD.
WH... WHAT...
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT TIME IS IT?!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THE RACE IS PROBABLY OVER!
WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?!
BUT YOU LOOKED SO PEACEFUL,
LIKE A BIG CAT
WITH ONE EYEBROW.
(Jim thinking)
WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?
CRAP!
THIS RACE IS OVER.
CRAP!
NOW KYLE'S GONNA THINK
I QUIT.
CRAP!
(Announcer)
HERE HE IS, FOLKS...
OUR LEAD RUNNER.
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
I'M GONNA WIN.
I'M GONNA WIN.
I'M GONNA WIN!
HA! HA! HA HA!
I WON! I WON!
I WON! I WON! I WON!
(Announcer)
AND OUR WINNER,
WITH A TIME OF 30 MINUTES
AND 51 SECONDS,
SETTING AN ALL-TIME
OAK PARK RECORD,
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM!
(cheers and applause)
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
WE'RE PROUD OF YOU, DADDY.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU
A PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY SANDWICH.
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
PROUD OF ME.
ROAST BEEF?
WELL, IF YOU THINK
I'VE EARNED IT.
HA HA HA!
THANK YOU.
WHAT'S THAT LOOK ABOUT?
IF YOU WANT A SANDWICH,
PUT IN YOUR ORDER.
YOU CHEATED!
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU WON!
CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REALLY HURTS.
I REALLY TRAINED HARD
FOR THAT RACE.
AND I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT FEELS GOOD TO KNOW
THAT AN UNDERDOG
CAN COME OUT OF NOWHERE
AND STILL SHOCK THE WORLD.
THAT'S WHAT I LOVE
ABOUT THIS COUNTRY.
SO I SAY TO YOU, CHERYL,
I SAY TO YOU,
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
IT WAS ANDY'S IDEA.
JIM, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
I WAS TRYING TO
TEACH KYLE ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, BEING A MAN,
THAT MEN DON'T QUIT.
YOU DIDN'T TEACH HIM ANYTHING.
YOU CHEATED.
HE'S NOT GONNA KNOW THAT.
THERE'S A LITTLE BOY
IN THAT KITCHEN RIGHT NOW
SPREADING MUSTARD ON A LIE!
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT?
WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?
WHAT IF A DOG
GAVE BIRTH TO A CAT?
OH!
HUH?! HUH?!
YOU JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
TILL IT HAPPENS!
YOU JERK!
AAH!
YOU CHEATED!
WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
YOU WON!
WHY IS EVERYBODY GETTING
TRIPPED UP ABOUT THAT?
YOU...
YOU MENACING WITCHES.
I HAVE KNOWN THIS MAN
FOR YEARS,
AND I CAN VOUCH FOR
HIS STURDY CHARACTER.
COME, JAMES.
LET'S LEAVE THESE MAGPIES
TO THEIR IDLE CHATTER.
LET IT GO, ANDY.
HE GAVE YOU UP.
AS I WOULD HAVE HIM.
DADDY, CAN WE
GO PLAY BASKETBALL?
KYLE, I THOUGHT
YOU HATED BASKETBALL.
YOU WANTED TO QUIT.
I KNOW, BUT DADDY
FINISHED THE RACE,
SO I SHOULD
FINISH BASKETBALL.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, CHERYL?
THE BOY WANTS TO WALK
IN A TRAIL THAT I BLAZED.
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE SET
OF FOOTPRINTS. WHY?
BECAUSE I'M CARRYING HIM.
OH!
YOUR TOES
LOOK LIKE MOMMY'S.
YEAH, YEAH.
THERE'S ANOTHER COMMITMENT
IN THIS ROOM
THAT NEEDS TO BE FINISHED.
AUNT DANA OWES US
A LOSER DANCE.
NO WAY!
UH, DANA,
TECHNICALLY, HE DID FINISH.
BUT HE CHEA...
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ THIS IS CALLED
THE LOSER DANCE ♪
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ CAREFUL,
OR I'LL PEE MY PANTS ♪
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT!
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT
REALLY READ "LOSER."
WHAT DO YOU THINK, KYLE?
ONE MORE TIME!
YEAH!
THIS TIME,
FEEL IT, BABY.
(angrily)
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ THIS IS CALLED
THE LOSER DANCE ♪
AND SO I WENT AROUND
THE LAST TURN,
AND MY LEGS WERE SAYING,
"QUIT, KYLE'S DAD! QUIT!"
AND I SAID,
"NO, I'M NOT A QUITTER!
I'VE GOT TO FINISH.
IF NOT FOR ME,
FOR ME BOY KYLE."
SO AGAINST ALL ODDS,
I FINISHED.
THE END.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO SHOW-AND-TELL TODAY.
NOW WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO ASK
KYLE'S DAD A QUESTION?
CAN I PLEASE WEAR YOUR MEDAL?
NO. NEXT QUESTION.
MY DADDY SAID THAT
YOU REALLY DIDN'T WIN.
YOU CHEATED.
WELL, YOUR DADDY'S
PROBABLY JEALOUS BECAUSE,
ME BEING A HERO AND ALL.
UM, WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY
DO FOR A LIVING?
FIREMAN.
YEAH, WELL,
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH.
ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
MY MOMMY SAYS
YOU QUIT THE RACE EARLY
AND TOOK A SHORTCUT
SO PEOPLE WOULDN'T FIND OUT.
YEAH, WELL,
YOUR MOMMY DRINKS.
IS IT TRUE, DADDY?
ARE YOU A QUITTER?
OH, KYLE, NO,
I... I...
I WAS TRYING TO
TEACH YOU A LESSON, SEE?
SO THAT MAKES
EVERYTHING OKAY.
I TOLD YOU
KYLE WOULD FIND OUT.
CHERYL.
THERE HE IS!
THE QUITTER
WITH ONE GIANT EYEBROW!
I SHOULD HAVE SENT HIM
THROUGH THE DELI.
HE WOULD HAVE
NEVER NAPPED IN THERE.
♪ YOU'RE A QUITTER,
YOU'RE A QUITTER ♪
♪ LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA
PEE YOUR PANTS ♪
THAT'S MY MEDAL!
FINALLY, A REAL MAN.
WHAT?
QUITTER! QUITTER! QUITTER!
NO!
QUITTER! QUITTER!
QUITTER! QUITTER!
NO, KYLE,
I'M NOT A QUITTER!
QUITTER! QUITTER! QUITTER!
I'M A CHEATER!
I'M NOT A QUITTER!
QUITTER. QUITTER.
QUITTER. QUITTER.
COME ON, BABY.
YOU'RE NO QUITTER.
COME ON! COME ON!
WHOO!
(grunts)
LOOK AT THAT, HONEY!
A NEW FAMILY RECORD!
YOU KNOW, BESIDES DANA.
COME ON.
YOU OKAY?
I SAID I'D FINISH...
AND I FINISHED.
YOU DID!
I DID.
YOU DID!
OH!
THAT'S HOT COFFEE!
I KNOW, IT'S FOR ME.
IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE.
THAT'S FOR YOU.
CHERYL, HOW DID YOU KNOW
I'D BE OUT HERE?
OH, BABY, YOUR LIFE
IS A LOT LIKE THIS RACE.
TAKES YOU A LITTLE WHILE,
BUT EVENTUALLY YOU GET THERE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF I'M GONNA
TALK THE TALK WITH KYLE,
I GOTTA BE ABLE TO
WALK THE WALK.
YEAH,
OR CRAWL THE CRAWL.
(chuckles)
COME ON,
LET'S GET YOU HOME.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I REALLY WANT TO GET HOME,
BUT I GOTTA MAKE ONE STOP.
NO, BABY,
I GOT DOUGHNUTS IN THE CAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LOVE YOU FOR THAT.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
HI, GOOD MORNING.
LOOK, THIS BELONGS TO YOU.
I CHEATED.
NO KIDDING.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
YOU WON!
---
ALL RIGHT, STOP.
OKAY...
NOW TRY WALKING.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU GIRLS DOING?
DADDY'S SHOWING US
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE DRUNK.
THEY ASK QUESTIONS,
I HAVE ANSWERS.
YEAH.
PRETTY YUCKY, HUH?
I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE.
TIME FOR YOU GIRLS
TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
I CAN'T DO MY HOMEWORK
TILL THE ROOM STOPS SPINNING.
WELL, WELCOME TO COLLEGE.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
♪♪♪
AND UP, TWO, THREE.
AND DOWN, TWO, THREE.
ARE YOU WEARING A THONG,
TWO, THREE?
YOU WANT ME TO CHAFE,
TWO, THREE?
WHOO! I'M BEAT.
HOW CAN YOU BE BEAT?
WE HAVEN'T STARTED RUNNING YET.
THIS WAS JUST A WARM-UP.
I'M PLENTY WARM.
FEEL BETWEEN MY THIGHS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU COULD COOK A DUCK IN THERE.
WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
BESIDES, WE RAN
5 MILES YESTERDAY.
OH, COME ON, ANDY, WE DROVE
4 1/2 MILES TO THE PARK,
AND THE NEXT HALF MILE,
WE WALKED TO A POPSICLE STAND.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
LET ME JUST SEE
WHO'S ON "ELLEN" FIRST.
WE'RE NOT GONNA BE
WATCHING "ELLEN."
WE'RE GONNA GO RUN.
IS THAT THAT HOT CHICK
FROM "LOST"?
WELL, I CAN'T RUN NOW.
ALL THE BLOOD
RAN OUT OF MY LEGS.
HEY, THERE'S MY YOUNG BOY.
HOW WAS BASKETBALL PRACTICE?
OH, HE LOOKED SO CUTE
IN HIS UNIFORM.
HOW DID HE PLAY? HE LOOKED
SO CUTE IN HIS UNIFORM.
YEAH, I DON'T THINK
BASKETBALL'S HIS GAME.
HE GOT A LITTLE FRUSTRATED,
AND THEY HAD TO PUT HIM
IN THE PENALTY BOX.
THERE'S NO PENALTY BOX
IN BASKETBALL.
THERE WAS TODAY.
BASKETBALL'S TOO HARD.
I WANNA QUIT!
OKAY, BABY,
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
I GUESS YOU DON'T HAVE TO
PLAY ANYMORE.
THANKS, MOMMY.
EXCUSE ME, MOMMY,
I DON'T RECALL
DADDY SIGNING OFF
ON KYLE QUITTING BASKETBALL.
JIM, YOU HEARD HIM.
HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE YOUR SISTER,
BUT I DON'T QUIT THE FAMILY.
HEY!
CHERYL, LOOK,
I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE ME
UNDERCUTTING YOUR AUTHORITY
IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
LET'S GO IN THE KITCHEN SO I CAN
UNDERCUT YOUR AUTHORITY THERE.
LET'S GO.
CHERYL...
ARE YOU WEARING A THONG?
YEAH. YOU WANT IT BACK?
CHERYL, KYLE SIGNED UP
FOR A SEASON OF BASKETBALL.
HE IS GOING TO
FINISH AND COMPLETE
A SEASON OF BASKETBALL.
JIM, HE DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY.
I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF
THOSE CONTROLLING PARENTS
WHO MAKES THEIR KIDS
DO ALL SORTS OF THINGS
THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
WHAT, ARE YOU NEW IN TOWN?
THAT'S WHAT
PARENTING IS, HONEY.
JIM...
WHAT?
YOU HEARD HIM.
HE DOESN'T LIKE BASKETBALL.
NO, HE DIDN'T SAY
HE DIDN'T LIKE BASKETBALL.
HE SAID IT WAS HARD.
AND THAT'S NOT
THE REASON TO QUIT.
I MEAN, IT MAY BE OKAY
FOR YOU GUYS,
BUT I'M TRYING TO
RAISE A MAN HERE.
EXCUSE ME?
NO, I DON'T THINK
I WILL EXCUSE YOU.
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
MEN DON'T QUIT.
WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH,
THEY TRY HARDER.
THAT'S THE WAY GOD MADE US.
THAT'S WHY HE DOESN'T LET
YOUR KIND BE PRESIDENT.
RICHARD NIXON QUIT.
HE RESIGNED.
THAT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
BESIDES, IF HE REALLY
WANTED TO QUIT,
PAT WOULDN'T HAVE LET HIM.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE
MARRIED PAT NIXON.
BELIEVE ME,
SHE WAS A HANDSOME WOMAN.
BUT SADLY, THAT SHIP
HAS LEFT THE HARBOR.
KYLE, YOU ARE
STICKING WITH BASKETBALL.
BECAUSE WHEN MEN MAKE
A COMMITMENT IN THIS FAMILY,
THEY STICK WITH IT.
OH, THAT IS SUCH CRAP!
YOU TWO QUITTERS
MADE SUCH A BIG DEAL
ABOUT JOGGING EVERY DAY.
HAVE YOU EVEN GONE ONCE?
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW ANDY AND I
CLOCKED 5 MILES YESTERDAY,
RIGHT, ANDY?
SHH! ELLEN GOT
THE "LOST" CHICK TO DANCE.
YOU GO, "LOST."
WOW. MAN, IF YOU GUYS
RAN 5 MILES YESTERDAY,
YOU MUST BE
IN PRETTY GOOD SHAPE.
LOOK AT ME.
MY PANTS ARE
HANGING OFF ME.
I EVEN WENT DOWN
A WHOLE HAT SIZE.
TO BE FAIR, THAT'S WHERE
YOU HAD THE MOST FAT TO LOSE.
YOU KNOW,
SINCE YOU'RE SO FIT,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUN
THE OAK PARK 10K WITH DANA.
THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
THE RACE IS NEXT WEEK.
YEAH!
FINISHING 10K
SHOULD BE NO PROBLEM FOR YOU,
WHAT WITH YOUR
SUPER-SLIM HEAD AND ALL.
YOU CAN FINISH,
CAN'T YOU, DADDY?
YOU BET I CAN, KYLE.
BECAUSE I'M NOT A QUITTER!
COOL!
COOL!
COOL!
COOL!
DADDY, CAN I COME WATCH YOU
RUN THE RACE?
YES, YOU CAN.
I'M GONNA NEED YOU THERE
TO CHEER ME ON, SON.
AND PROBABLY
A PARAMEDIC.
YOU LITTLE SISSY GIRL!
HUH? YOU GOT THREE DAYS
TILL THE BIG RACE.
PUSH IT
LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR!
COME ON, I'M EXHAUSTED.
I'M TIRED FROM DRAGGING
THIS THING OUT HERE
IN THE FIRST PLACE!
HEY, WE'RE SIMULATING
RACE CONDITIONS.
UH-OH, HERE COMES
A GRAVEL TRUCK!
HEY! HEY!
OH, NO,
IT'S RAINING!
COME ON, ANDY, STOP IT!
OH, HOLY COW! BEES!
ANDY, KNOCK IT OFF!
KNOCK IT OFF!
HOW FAR HAVE I GONE?
8, 9K?
5K.
WHAT?!
ALL RIGHT, 4K.
REALLY, 3.2.
HOW FAR IS 10K ANYWAY?
ABOUT 6 MILES.
I THOUGHT A K
WAS LIKE A BLOCK.
STUPID METRIC SYSTEM.
REMIND ME TO
WRITE A LETTER TO EUROPE.
WILL DO, BUT WE'RE
STILL WAITING FOR THEIR REPLY
TO YOUR LETTER ABOUT
SOCCER BEING GAY.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
JUST FORGET IT.
I THOUGHT I COULD
PULL THIS OFF.
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO
FINISH THIS RACE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WHEN I
HAVE TO TELL KYLE I GOTTA QUIT?
WELL, ME BEING LIKE YOU,
ONE CHILI FRY AWAY
FROM THE ALMIGHTY,
I SAW THIS COMING.
I GOT A PLAN, OKAY?
NOW IT IS FOOLPROOF,
BUT ETHICALLY,
IT'S A LITTLE SHAKY.
THAT JUST MEANS
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
COME ON,
LET ME HEAR IT.
HERE IS A MAP
OF THE RACE, OKAY?
NOW WHEN THE RACE BEGINS,
YOU GO ABOUT
1/3 OF THE WAY.
OKAY.
THEN WHEN NO ONE'S AROUND,
YOU TAKE A SHORTCUT
THROUGH MISS TAN'S.
MISS TAN'S?
WHAT'S THAT?
VIETNAMESE NAIL SALON.
TOP DRAWER.
MENTION MY NAME.
NOW YOU CAN'T JUST
CUT THROUGH.
YOU'D FINISH THE RACE
TOO SOON, RIGHT?
OKAY, SO ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE,
YOU KICK IT FOR A BIT.
SAY ABOUT A HALF-HOUR.
THEN YOU SNEAK OUT THE BACK,
GO DOWN THE ALLEY,
JOIN THE RACE,
FINISH THE LAST FEW BLOCKS,
NO ONE'S THE WISER.
THAT IS BRILLIANT, ANDY.
BY CHEATING, I TEACH KYLE
ABOUT NOT QUITTING.
HE'LL NEVER KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.
YEAH, KIDS ARE STUPID.
YEAH, MY BOY.
READY FOR ME
TO WHUP YOUR BUTT, SALLY?
YOU KNOW WHAT, DANA?
I NEVER SAID
THAT I COULD BEAT YOU.
I SAID THAT I WOULD FINISH.
AND I WILL.
OH, PLEASE.
YOU COULDN'T FINISH
IF THE LAST MILE WAS DOWNHILL,
COVERED IN VASELINE,
AND THE FINISH LINE
WAS MADE OUT OF HAM.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
MAKE IT INTERESTING, GIRL?
OKAY.
LET'S SAY IF YOU MAKE IT,
I'LL DO THE LOSER DANCE.
AND IF YOU DON'T,
YOU DO THE JIM DANCE,
WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH
THE SAME THING.
DEAL.
(Announcer)
RUNNERS, ON YOUR MARK...
GET SET...
GO!
(pistol fires)
(cheers and applause)
(heart beating continuously)
(Jim thinking)
THAT'S IT. KEEP GOING.
A FEW MORE MINUTES,
AND I'LL BE SITTING
ON MY ASS, SUCKERS.
(heart beating sound stops)
(heart beating sound resumes)
HUH. THAT WAS WEIRD.
YES!
OH... MAN.
OH, WHEW.
WHOO.
WATER.
WATER GOOD!
HELLO.
YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?
OH, YES, AND AFTERWARDS,
I'M GONNA GO ACROSS THE STREET,
GET SOME HIGHLIGHTS
AND A BIKINI WAX.
YOU GET TREATMENT HERE,
OR YOU GET OUT.
IT'S COOL. I KNOW ANDY.
THEN YOU HAVE TO
PAY UP FRONT.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL HAVE WHATEVER
SHE'S HAVING.
MANI-PEDI. 20 BUCKS.
THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT
OF MONEY.
WHOO, MONEY'S HOT.
ALL RIGHT,
HOW LONG DOES THIS TAKE?
15 MINUTES.
BUT IF I HAVE TO
CLEAN UP YOUR EYEBROWS,
MUCH LONGER.
JUST DO THE NAILS.
OKAY.
MY WIFE SAID THIS IS
SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING.
I DON'T GET IT.
I GET THAT.
THAT FEELS GOOD.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
REALLY GOOD.
WH... WHAT...
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT TIME IS IT?!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THE RACE IS PROBABLY OVER!
WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?!
BUT YOU LOOKED SO PEACEFUL,
LIKE A BIG CAT
WITH ONE EYEBROW.
(Jim thinking)
WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?
CRAP!
THIS RACE IS OVER.
CRAP!
NOW KYLE'S GONNA THINK
I QUIT.
CRAP!
(Announcer)
HERE HE IS, FOLKS...
OUR LEAD RUNNER.
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
I'M GONNA WIN.
I'M GONNA WIN.
I'M GONNA WIN!
HA! HA! HA HA!
I WON! I WON!
I WON! I WON! I WON!
(Announcer)
AND OUR WINNER,
WITH A TIME OF 30 MINUTES
AND 51 SECONDS,
SETTING AN ALL-TIME
OAK PARK RECORD,
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM!
(cheers and applause)
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
WE'RE PROUD OF YOU, DADDY.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU
A PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY SANDWICH.
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
PROUD OF ME.
ROAST BEEF?
WELL, IF YOU THINK
I'VE EARNED IT.
HA HA HA!
THANK YOU.
WHAT'S THAT LOOK ABOUT?
IF YOU WANT A SANDWICH,
PUT IN YOUR ORDER.
YOU CHEATED!
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU WON!
CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REALLY HURTS.
I REALLY TRAINED HARD
FOR THAT RACE.
AND I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT FEELS GOOD TO KNOW
THAT AN UNDERDOG
CAN COME OUT OF NOWHERE
AND STILL SHOCK THE WORLD.
THAT'S WHAT I LOVE
ABOUT THIS COUNTRY.
SO I SAY TO YOU, CHERYL,
I SAY TO YOU,
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
IT WAS ANDY'S IDEA.
JIM, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
I WAS TRYING TO
TEACH KYLE ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, BEING A MAN,
THAT MEN DON'T QUIT.
YOU DIDN'T TEACH HIM ANYTHING.
YOU CHEATED.
HE'S NOT GONNA KNOW THAT.
THERE'S A LITTLE BOY
IN THAT KITCHEN RIGHT NOW
SPREADING MUSTARD ON A LIE!
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT?
WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?
WHAT IF A DOG
GAVE BIRTH TO A CAT?
OH!
HUH?! HUH?!
YOU JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
TILL IT HAPPENS!
YOU JERK!
AAH!
YOU CHEATED!
WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
YOU WON!
WHY IS EVERYBODY GETTING
TRIPPED UP ABOUT THAT?
YOU...
YOU MENACING WITCHES.
I HAVE KNOWN THIS MAN
FOR YEARS,
AND I CAN VOUCH FOR
HIS STURDY CHARACTER.
COME, JAMES.
LET'S LEAVE THESE MAGPIES
TO THEIR IDLE CHATTER.
LET IT GO, ANDY.
HE GAVE YOU UP.
AS I WOULD HAVE HIM.
DADDY, CAN WE
GO PLAY BASKETBALL?
KYLE, I THOUGHT
YOU HATED BASKETBALL.
YOU WANTED TO QUIT.
I KNOW, BUT DADDY
FINISHED THE RACE,
SO I SHOULD
FINISH BASKETBALL.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, CHERYL?
THE BOY WANTS TO WALK
IN A TRAIL THAT I BLAZED.
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE SET
OF FOOTPRINTS. WHY?
BECAUSE I'M CARRYING HIM.
OH!
YOUR TOES
LOOK LIKE MOMMY'S.
YEAH, YEAH.
THERE'S ANOTHER COMMITMENT
IN THIS ROOM
THAT NEEDS TO BE FINISHED.
AUNT DANA OWES US
A LOSER DANCE.
NO WAY!
UH, DANA,
TECHNICALLY, HE DID FINISH.
BUT HE CHEA...
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ THIS IS CALLED
THE LOSER DANCE ♪
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ CAREFUL,
OR I'LL PEE MY PANTS ♪
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT!
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT
REALLY READ "LOSER."
WHAT DO YOU THINK, KYLE?
ONE MORE TIME!
YEAH!
THIS TIME,
FEEL IT, BABY.
(angrily)
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ I'M A LOSER ♪
♪ THIS IS CALLED
THE LOSER DANCE ♪
AND SO I WENT AROUND
THE LAST TURN,
AND MY LEGS WERE SAYING,
"QUIT, KYLE'S DAD! QUIT!"
AND I SAID,
"NO, I'M NOT A QUITTER!
I'VE GOT TO FINISH.
IF NOT FOR ME,
FOR ME BOY KYLE."
SO AGAINST ALL ODDS,
I FINISHED.
THE END.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO SHOW-AND-TELL TODAY.
NOW WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO ASK
KYLE'S DAD A QUESTION?
CAN I PLEASE WEAR YOUR MEDAL?
NO. NEXT QUESTION.
MY DADDY SAID THAT
YOU REALLY DIDN'T WIN.
YOU CHEATED.
WELL, YOUR DADDY'S
PROBABLY JEALOUS BECAUSE,
ME BEING A HERO AND ALL.
UM, WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY
DO FOR A LIVING?
FIREMAN.
YEAH, WELL,
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH.
ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
MY MOMMY SAYS
YOU QUIT THE RACE EARLY
AND TOOK A SHORTCUT
SO PEOPLE WOULDN'T FIND OUT.
YEAH, WELL,
YOUR MOMMY DRINKS.
IS IT TRUE, DADDY?
ARE YOU A QUITTER?
OH, KYLE, NO,
I... I...
I WAS TRYING TO
TEACH YOU A LESSON, SEE?
SO THAT MAKES
EVERYTHING OKAY.
I TOLD YOU
KYLE WOULD FIND OUT.
CHERYL.
THERE HE IS!
THE QUITTER
WITH ONE GIANT EYEBROW!
I SHOULD HAVE SENT HIM
THROUGH THE DELI.
HE WOULD HAVE
NEVER NAPPED IN THERE.
♪ YOU'RE A QUITTER,
YOU'RE A QUITTER ♪
♪ LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA
PEE YOUR PANTS ♪
THAT'S MY MEDAL!
FINALLY, A REAL MAN.
WHAT?
QUITTER! QUITTER! QUITTER!
NO!
QUITTER! QUITTER!
QUITTER! QUITTER!
NO, KYLE,
I'M NOT A QUITTER!
QUITTER! QUITTER! QUITTER!
I'M A CHEATER!
I'M NOT A QUITTER!
QUITTER. QUITTER.
QUITTER. QUITTER.
COME ON, BABY.
YOU'RE NO QUITTER.
COME ON! COME ON!
WHOO!
(grunts)
LOOK AT THAT, HONEY!
A NEW FAMILY RECORD!
YOU KNOW, BESIDES DANA.
COME ON.
YOU OKAY?
I SAID I'D FINISH...
AND I FINISHED.
YOU DID!
I DID.
YOU DID!
OH!
THAT'S HOT COFFEE!
I KNOW, IT'S FOR ME.
IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE.
THAT'S FOR YOU.
CHERYL, HOW DID YOU KNOW
I'D BE OUT HERE?
OH, BABY, YOUR LIFE
IS A LOT LIKE THIS RACE.
TAKES YOU A LITTLE WHILE,
BUT EVENTUALLY YOU GET THERE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF I'M GONNA
TALK THE TALK WITH KYLE,
I GOTTA BE ABLE TO
WALK THE WALK.
YEAH,
OR CRAWL THE CRAWL.
(chuckles)
COME ON,
LET'S GET YOU HOME.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I REALLY WANT TO GET HOME,
BUT I GOTTA MAKE ONE STOP.
NO, BABY,
I GOT DOUGHNUTS IN THE CAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LOVE YOU FOR THAT.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
HI, GOOD MORNING.
LOOK, THIS BELONGS TO YOU.
I CHEATED.
NO KIDDING.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
YOU WON!