According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 21 - Jim's Best Friend - full transcript

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MAN, ALL THOSE TIMES
WE RAN OUT OF PROPANE

BEFORE OUR STEAKS WERE DONE,
NEVER THOUGHT

OF HOOKING DIRECTLY
INTO THE HOUSE'S GAS LINE.

YEAH, WELL,
ALL THOSE OTHER TIMES,

WE WEREN'T
DRINKING BEER, EITHER.

ALL RIGHT
OKAY.

READY?
UH-HUH.

DAMN IT.

TURN THE GAS ON?
WELL, YEAH, IT'S THE HOUSE.

(screaming)

OH, MY GOD!



ARE YOU THINKING
WHAT I'M THINKING?

TURN IT ON ITS SIDE, WE GOT
OURSELVES A ROCKET CAR? YES!

♪♪♪

YOU KNOW, KYLE,
FOR A FATHER AND SON,

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE
THE FIRST TIME

THEY RACE
SLOT CARS TOGETHER.

DADDY, CAN COWS SWIM?

(breathes deeply)

KYLE, IT'S THE SAME ANSWER
AS YESTERDAY...

ONLY WHEN THEY HAVE TO.

READY... SET...

GO!

OH.

CRASH!
KYLE...



BOOM! AAH!

I'M DYING! HELP ME!

(keys play discordantly)

AAH!
KYLE! KYLE!

AAH!
KYLE! KYLE!

AAH!

NICE RACING CARS
WITH YOU, MY SON!

HEY.

HEY, CHERYL.
CAN COWS SWIM?

I DON'T CARE.
OH.

HEY, WHERE'S ANDY?

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS HAD THE
ANDY-ANAPOLIS 500 TODAY. YEAH, WE DID.

BUT THEN HE REMEMBERED
HE HAD A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE'S BEEN ON THIS HEALTH KICK

EVER SINCE HE HAD THOSE
CHEST PAINS. I DON'T GET IT.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA DO A FEW PAGES
IN OUR HOLIDAY SCRAPBOOK LATER.

WANNA HELP ME? I'M BORED,
CHERYL. I'M NOT SOMEBODY ELSE.

ALL RIGHT, FINE,
WELL, IF YOU'RE SO BORED,

WOULD YOU MIND TAKING THIS
OVER TO DANA FOR ME?

FINE.
THANK YOU.

AAH! OH, NO,
MY CAR'S ON FIRE!

YOU WANNA
TAKE KYLE WITH YOU?

I'M BURNING TO DEATH!
MY SKIN!

I DON'T KNOW.
HE SEEMS A LITTLE BUSY...

AND A LITTLE WEIRD.

HEY, DOC.
HEY, JIM.

OH, MY DRESS.
THANK YOU.

YEAH, I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT THAT STAIN

WAS ON THERE
BEFORE I STOPPED FOR COFFEE.

JIM, IT'S STILL WET.

WEIRD.

UGH.
AND THE STRAP IS TORN.

YEAH, WELL,
THAT WAS TORN

BEFORE I SLAMMED IT
IN THE CAR DOOR.

SORRY.

(loudly) WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S CH-CH-CH-CHESS TIME!

YOU'RE UP.

ANDY?

OH, UH... H-HEY, BUDDY.

ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
AT THE DOCTOR. I AM.

HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST.

A REALLY VERSATILE ONE.

OKAY, OKAY, LOOK.

DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA,
ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE
SOMETHING ELSE,

BUT BELIEVE ME,
WE'RE JUST PLAYING CHESS.

JUST PLAYING CHESS?

THEN WHAT ARE YOU
SNEAKING AROUND FOR?

CAN YOU ANSWER
THAT QUESTION, DOC?

OH, I DON'T KNOW, JIM...
MAYBE IF YOU PLAYED CHESS

WITH ANDY AT HOME
A LITTLE MORE OFTEN,

HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO COME
AROUND HERE LOOKING FOR IT.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I'D
PLAY MORE CHESS WITH HIM

IF IT WASN'T THE STUPIDEST GAME
IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

IT IS NOT THE STUPIDEST GAME IN THE
WHOLE WORLD! OH, YEAH, RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S THE GAYEST!
OH, COME ON...

COME ON, GUYS, PLEASE!
CAN'T WE BE CIVIL HERE?

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

ARE YOU WEARING
RYAN'S SWEATPANTS?

UM... YEAH,
I SPILLED SOMETHING.

COFFEE.
ORANGE JUICE.

ORANGE JUICE.
COFFEE.

(both) DECAF LATTE WITH JUST
A LITTLE BIT OF FOAM.

(both laughing)

SO IS THIS THE REASON THAT YOU
MISSED BOWLING THE OTHER NIGHT?

NO, NO... YEAH.

AND WHY YOU LEFT EARLY

DURING THE "PLANET OF THE APES"
MARATHON?

YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE
THE CHEST PAINS, DID YOU?

NO, NO, THOSE WERE REAL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT WAS ALL ABOUT.

PROBABLY GAS.

YOU HAD
CHEST PAINS, ANDY?

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT.
I'M TAKING YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.

AS LONG AS YOU
DON'T DO IT RECTALLY.

NOT IF YOU WERE
STUFFED FULL OF GOLD.

HEY, HURRY BACK.

YOU ARE 37 MOVES AWAY
FROM COMPLETE DESTRUCTION.

CH-CH-CH-CH-CHESS TIME!

WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON HERE, MAN?

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOOK, I LIED.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
LYING FOR?

WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME
THE TRUTH?

WELL, BECAUSE, JIM,

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'M EASY AS PIE, MAN.

JIM, SOMETIMES...
YOU'RE A LITTLE CONFRONTATIONAL.

ME? CONFRONTATIONAL?
YEAH.

COME ON!
COME ON, TRY ME. TRY ME.

NO...
TRY ME!

SOMETIMES YOU'RE
A LITTLE OVERWHELMING,

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU,
YOU CAN BE MEAN.

WRONG! YOU'RE WRONG!
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WRONG!

SEE? CONFRONTATIONAL!

I'M ONLY BEING CONFRONTATIONAL
BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIG JERK!

OH, FINE, OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS JERK
NEEDS A BREAK FROM YOU.

(mockingly) OH,
ANDY WANTS A BREAK FROM JIM.

OH, YEAH.
YOU NEED A BREAK FROM ME, HUH?

YEAH, CRAZY, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE LIKE
TO GET YELLED AT ALL THE TIME!

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
HANG AROUND

WITH YOUR LITTLE BUDDY
RYAN THERE?

ALL HE YELLS IS
"CH-CH-CH-CH-CHESS TIME!"

(Ryan) CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-
CHESS TIME!

YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

MAYBE I WILL. MAYBE I'LL JUST
HANG OUT WITH RYAN MORE OFTEN.

AND YOU... YOU HAVE FUN
HANGING OUT BY YOURSELF.

I'M NOT GONNA
HANG OUT BY MYSELF.

I WON'T HAVE
TO HANG OUT BY MYSELF.

YEAH, YOU WILL, JIM,
AND HERE'S WHY. WHY?

I'M YOUR ONLY FRIEND,
AND YOU KNOW IT.

COME ON!

I GOT A PIZZA
FOR DR. RYAN GIBSON.

GREAT.

THEY'LL PAY INSIDE.

AND THEY'RE OFF.

JIM IS LEADING JIM
BY A NOSE.

THEY'RE COMING IN
ABOUT A QUARTER-MILE,

AND THEN JIM... JIM'S
TAKING THE LEAD FROM JIM!

JIM'S TAKING THE LEAD FROM JIM!
NOW JIM'S COMING UP ON JIM!

HE'S COMING UP CLOSER!
OH, NO, JIM IS LEADING!

OH, MY GOD, WE'RE COMING
INTO THE FINAL TRAP,

AND JIM BEATS JIM...
BY A NOSE!

GO, JIM!

JIM.

HEY.
HI.

CAN I PLAY?

REALLY? YOU?

YEAH. JUST 'CAUSE I'M A GIRL
DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T RACE CARS.

HA HA HA HA HA!

I AM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

ARE YOU MAD AT ME?

NO, HONEY, IT'S JUST A...
NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND.

OKAY, READY?
YEAH.

SET...

OKAY.
GO!

CHERYL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DRIVING SAFELY.

CHERYL, YOU GOTTA GO FASTER.
I AM LAPPING YOU.

NO, SLOW AND STEADY
WINS THE RACE.

IT'S LIKE THE TORTOISE
AND THE HARE.

YOUR GUY IS GONNA
GET REALLY TIRED.

SEE? AH, I GOT PAST YOU!

SLOW AND STEADY!

CAN'T PLAY WITH YOU.

WELL, THEN I GUESS YOU'RE
JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT

TILL ANDY'S DONE
PLAYING CHESS WITH RYAN.

RYNE-O,
THE STUPID GYNE-O.

OKAY, LOOK, HONEY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT THAT
YOU'RE JEALOUS OF RYAN?

WELL, HE DOES GET TO SEE
A LOT OF NAKED WOMEN.

BUT HE SAYS
IT'S MUCH DIFFERENT IN...

NO! NO!

JEALOUS OF ALL THE TIME HE'S
SPENDING WITH ANDY. WHAT?

YOU KNOW, IT'S OKAY
THAT YOU MISS HIM.

I DON'T MISS HIM!
I DON'T MISS HIM!

HE JUST... HE WANTS
TO TAKE A BREAK FROM ME.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WANNA TAKE A BREAK FROM HIM.

HIM AND HIS OPTIMISM

AND HIS LOOK ON LIFE,
HIS CHEERY ATTITUDE...

MAKES ME SICK!

OKAY. HEY, YOU WANNA CALL
ONE OF THE GUYS IN THE BAND?

NO. THEY'RE OKAY AS A GROUP.

BUT INDIVIDUALLY,
THEY'RE A LITTLE CREEPY.

EVERY TIME
I SHAKE TONY'S HAND,

HE HOLDS ON TO IT
JUST A LITTLE TOO LONG.

FREAKS ME OUT.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

KYLE'S FRIEND JACKSON
IS COMING OVER TO PLAY.

I'M GONNA CALL
AND HAVE HIS DAD BRING HIM.

OH, KEVIN?
YEAH.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME.

YES, HE LIKES YOU.
HE DOES?

YEAH.

WELL, WHAT'D HE SAY?
HE SAID HE LIKES YOU.

HE SAID THAT?
YEAH.

WHAT WERE HIS EXACT WORDS?

WELL, I THINK HE SAID, UM,

THAT HE'D SEE YOU AROUND
SOMETIME.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
HE LIKES ME!

OH, ALL RIGHT, FINE!
I'M LYING!

BUT MAYBE IF WE
GET HIM OVER HERE,

YOU GUYS WILL HIT IT OFF...
OH, COME ON, CHERYL.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU'RE TRYING
TO PUT ME ON A PLAY DATE.

NOW IT'S A BLIND PLAY DATE?

WELL, LOOK, YOU SEEM LONELY.

LONELY?

WHAT'S LONELY ABOUT A GROWN MAN
PLAYING SLOT CARS BY HIMSELF?

I DON'T KNOW...
THE "BY HIMSELF" PART.

THE "GROWN MAN" PART.

YOU KNOW, REALLY,
THE "SLOT CAR" PART.

OH, THAT'S IT! I'M OUTTA
HERE! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I AM GOING TO A BAR
CALLED STEVIE B's,

WHERE THEY HAVE SPORTS,
BEER AND RIBS.

SO, LADY,
YOU CLEAN UP THIS HOUSE,

DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR,

BECAUSE I'M COMING HOME
WITH A MAN!

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
IT'S GOING OKAY.

YEAH, COOL.

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M NOT, UH...

(laughing)

(laughing)

WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOTHING. I JUST THOUGHT
WHAT YOU SAID WAS REALLY FUNNY.

WHAT WAS?

YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU SAID.

DID YOU EVEN HEAR
WHAT I SAID?

NO.

HUH.
BUT YOU LAUGHED, ANYWAY?

SEE YOU, GUYS.

LATER.

ROUGH DAY?

YEAH, PRETTY BAD.

I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.

CAN I GET ANOTHER ONE
FOR MY FRIEND HERE?

WINGS, MAN. THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S JUST TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU. HI, I'M JIM.

HENRY. NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

HERE YOU GO.
OH, GREAT.

THAT'S REALLY
NICE OF YOU, MAN.

I TELL YOU, JIM,

I'VE GOT A WHOLE
NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE

SINCE MY BOYS
WON THE SERIES LAST YEAR.

SOX FAN?

CUBS FAN?

YEAH. I'M KEEPING
THE BEER. CHOKE ON IT.

HELLO.
HI.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU.

UH-HUH.

YOU SEEM A LITTLE LONELY.

AND A LITTLE CUTE, TOO.

WHY DON'T YOU
BUY ME A DRINK?

OH, NO, THANKS, I'M ONLY
INTERESTED IN GUYS TONIGHT.

HEY, PAL, COULD YOU
CHANGE IT TO ESPN CLASSIC?

YEAH, THERE'S A CHESS MATCH
MY BUDDY AND I WANNA SEE.

CHESS?!

THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL YOU GUYS THINK THAT
YOU'RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, HUH?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT
GOOD FRIENDS.

BECAUSE WHEN THE BEER RUNS OUT
AND THE GAME IS OVER,

WHAT DO YOU GOT?
YOU GOT NOTHING!

THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU MAY WORK TOGETHER,

YOU MAY BE MARRIED TO
HIS SISTER, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE ALL REPLACEABLE!

I'M SORRY,
ARE YOU TALKING TO US?

BOOBS!

AND THEN YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND
THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR.

AND HERE HE IS NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HELPING RUBY
WITH HER HOMEWORK.

NO, THAT'S
A PARENT'S JOB, DANA.

WE'RE DOING FRACTIONS.

CARRY ON.

OH, RUBY,
YOUR FRIEND EMILY CALLED.

SHE WON'T BE ABLE
TO SKATE WITH YOU TOMORROW.

OH, MAN, SHE NEVER GOES
SKATING WITH ME ANYMORE.

I BET SHE'S PLAYING
WITH GINA.

I THOUGHT YOU AND EMILY
WERE BEST FRIENDS.

I THOUGHT SO, TOO,
BUT NOW EMILY AND GINA

ARE HANGING OUT ALL THE TIME,
AND I HAVE NOBODY TO PLAY WITH.

THAT STINKS.

I MEAN, EMILY AND I HAVE BEEN
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

BUT WHEN SHE PLAYS WITH GINA,

IT REALLY, REALLY
HURTS MY FEELINGS.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

YEAH, DANA,
WHAT SHOULD SHE DO?

SHOULD SHE PUNCH
STUPID EMILY IN THE NOSE?

NO.

SHOULD SHE BREAK IN
HER HOUSE AT NIGHT

AND SHAVE OFF
ALL HER HAIR?

JIM! THEY'RE 10.

HAVE YOU TRIED BEING FRIENDS
WITH BOTH OF 'EM?

THAT'S NEVER GONNA WORK.

YEAH, DANA, COME ON, YOU SHOULD
KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
THE OTHER THING YOU COULD DO

IS BE REALLY,
REALLY NICE TO GINA.

YOU KNOW, INVITE HER OVER,
HAVE FUN WITH HER.

HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH HER
THAT EMILY WILL GET JEALOUS,

AND SHE'LL WANT YOU BACK.

I DON'T KNOW.
IT SEEMS KIND OF CHILDISH.

NOT IF IT WORKS!

MAN, I FORGOT
HOW MUCH FUN THESE ARE.

YEAH, THIS IS FUN.

I LIKE HAVING FUN,
DON'T YOU?

YEAH.

I MEAN,
FUN IS... JUST... FUN.

HEY, YOU WANT SOME CHIPS?

I DON'T KNOW.
ARE THEY "FUN" CHIPS?

HA HA HA HA HA!

THAT'S HYSTERICAL!
HILARIOUS!

I'LL GO GET SOME.

OKAY, ARE YOU READY
TO CALL UNCLE ANDY?

YEP. WHICH ONE ARE WE DOING...

BAD MEDICAL NEWS
OR FAKE RADIO CONTEST?

I THINK YOU
SHOULD CALL HIM

AND TELL HIM MOMMY
MADE SOME MACAROONS,

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT,
AND YOU'RE GONNA EAT IT.

IT SHOULD MAKE HIM
COME RUNNING. OKAY.

WHICH OF THESE CHIPS
LOOK LIKE FUN CHIPS?

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

THAT ONE.

YEAH, OF COURSE!

OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
I LOVE YOU.

(gruff voice) HEY, RYAN,

TAKE AS MANY OF ME
AS YOU CAN.

YOU CAN HAVE SOME CHIPS,
CAN'T YA?

YOU KNOW, ANY FRIEND OF JIM'S
IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

OKAY, YOU'RE, LIKE, WHAT,
FIVE BEERS AHEAD OF ME?

HA HA HA HA!

(normal voice)
I THINK SO. OH, I'M SORRY!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO WEAR
SOME OF MY SWEATPANTS?

NO.
(loud thud on door)

WHAT THE HELL?

(singsong voice)
WHO IS IT?

(Andy) IT'S ME. WHY IS
THE DOOR LOCKED? OH.

SORRY, RYAN. EXCUSE ME...

BUDDY, PARTNER OF MINE.

HEY.

I KNOW CHERYL BAKED MACAROONS,
SO EITHER LET ME IN

OR SLIDE 'EM THROUGH
THE MAIL SLOT, BUT HURRY UP!

I GOTTA BE CALLER TEN IF
I'M GONNA WIN THAT SIDE OF BEEF.

(grunts)

WHAT'S UP, ANDY?

H-HEY, RYAN.
WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, HE'S JUST HANGING OUT HERE
LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES,

'CAUSE WE'RE TOTALLY
INTO EACH OTHER.

WAIT, WAIT, I THOUGHT WE WERE
PLAYING CHESS TODAY.

NO, JIM SAID YOU HAD TO WORK,
SO HE INVITED ME OVER

FOR STOCK CAR RACING
AND TALKING CHIPS.

YOU DID TALKING CHIPS WITH HIM?
WHAT THE HELL?

HEY, MAN, WE'RE JUST HAVING
A LITTLE FUN...

NAY, A LOT OF FUN.

AM I RIGHT,
RYNE-O THE GYNE-O?

OKAY, THAT'S THE THIRD TIME,
AND HOPEFULLY, THE LAST.

SEE, JIM,
YOU'RE CREEPING HIM OUT.

COME ON, RYAN.
LET'S DITCH THIS LOSER.

I'M NOT A LOSER.
YOU'RE THE LOSER

'CAUSE YOU ACTUALLY THINK
THIS GUY DIGS YOU.

HE DIGS ME A HELL OF A LOT
MORE THAN YOU!

OH, YEAH, WELL,
WHAT'S HE DOING IN MY HOUSE?

HE'S LEAVING, THAT'S WHAT.

NO ONE STEALS MY NEW BEST FRIEND.
NO, NO, NO, HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

COME ON! NO,
HE'S NOT! HE'S MINE!

GUYS, MY ARM!
I JUST HEARD SOMETHING POP.

SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!

COME ON! LET GO OF HIM, JIM!
HE'S MINE!

COME ON, LET GO OF HIM!
LET GO OF HIM!

LET GO OF MY FRIEND!
ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT SOME OF THAT?
YOU GUYS! COME ON, GUYS!

OW! OW! OW!

(grunts)

GUYS, COME ON!

COME ON, JIM!
BRING IT...

GUYS, GUYS, SEPARATE!
GUYS, SEPARATE!

OUCH! GET OFF OF ME, JIM!
I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!

GET OFF OF ME!
(grunting)

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

(both screaming)

ALL I WANTED TO DO
WAS PLAY CHESS.

AND I'M GONNA
KEEP PLAYING CHESS,

EXCEPT WITH MY NORMAL FRIENDS

WHO DON'T ACT LIKE
10-YEAR OLD GIRLS.

OH, AND FOR
YOUR INFORMATION,

MY BEST FRIEND
IS MY WIFE.

(high-pitched voice)
"MY BEST FRIEND IS MY WIFE."

(snorts)

THAT IS SO GAY!

SO... THERE ARE
NO MACAROONS?

NO MACAROONS.

WANNA PLAY SLOT CARS?

I WANT THE CHIPS
TO ASK ME.

(gruff voice)
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!

(normal voice) ALL RIGHT,
READY... SET... GO!

HEY, LISTEN, ANDY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU NEED ME
TO BACK OFF...

JUST ASK ME.

AND IF YOU GET JEALOUS
OF ME AND RYAN

SPENDING TIME TOGETHER,
JUST TELL ME.

GUYS DON'T GET JEALOUS.

BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT
MY BEST FRIEND.

I'M NOT?
NO.

(high-pitched voice)
MY WIFE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

(both laughing)

HEY, AFTER THE RACE,

YOU WANNA GO TO THE
BAR, GET A DRINK? COOL.

(both laughing)

(laughing)

THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.

WHAT WAS?

YOU KNOW, WHAT HE JUST SAID.

DID YOU EVEN HEAR
WHAT WE SAID?

NO.

(laughing)

TO GOOD FRIENDS!
YEAH!