According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 19 - Daddy Dearest - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
SO HOW WAS KARATE CLASS?
YOU BREAK ANY BOARDS?

NO. WE TRADED STICKERS.

THEN WE TALKED ABOUT BOYS
AND HAD LEMONADE.

WAIT A SECOND,
WAIT A SECOND.

YOU'RE TELLING ME
KARATE CLASS IS LIKE SCHOOL,

BUT I'M PAYIN' 60 BUCKS
AN HOUR FOR IT?

YEAH.
YEAH.

HEY, JIM, JIM,

I GOTTA LOCK UP
AND TEACH A CLASS DOWNTOWN.

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR
AND WATCH JUSTIN?

HIS DAD'LL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE.



OH, UH, YEAH,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

FAVORS AREN'T REALLY
MY THING.

I'LL GIVE YOUR KIDS
TWO FREE CLASSES. OKAY.

OH, THANKS, JIM.
YOU'RE GREAT.

HI, JUSTIN!
HI, JUSTIN!

EASY.

ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T WE GIVE
YOUR DAD A CALL RIGHT NOW?

WHAT'S HIS NUMBER?

SPEED DIAL TWO.

OH, I DON'T THINK SO.

"SPEED DIAL TWO" IS PIZZA...
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE CAN CALL 'EM AND SEE
IF THEY'LL PICK YOU UP.

♪♪♪

WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?



AH, DON'T WORRY, BUDDY.

YOUR DAD'S JUST AN HOUR LATE,
JUST AN HOUR.

A WHOLE HOUR.

HE'S NOT COMING.

HEY, DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.
HE FORGOT ME.

DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.
THINK POSITIVE.

MAYBE HE GOT IN AN ACCIDENT.
DADDY!

WELL...

LOOK, ONE TIME, MY DAD
WAS THREE HOURS LATE,

AND EVERYTHING
TURNED OUT FINE.

BUT YOUR DAD LEFT
AND NEVER CAME BACK.

NEVER?

(inhales deeply)

WELL...
NO, NO, NO, HE DIDN'T.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.

DITCHIN' YOUR KID
WAS FASHIONABLE BACK THEN,

NOT LIKE NOW.

YOU SAID IT RUINED
YOUR FAMILY FOREVER.

AREN'T WE ATTENTIVE
LITTLE LISTENERS?

LOOK, MY DAD WAS A PIECE OF CRAP
AND HE RAN OFF ON ME.

YOUR DAD IS JUST LATE.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'M POSITIVE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...
GIMME THAT.

YOU DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING, ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA WRITE DOWN
ALL MY INFORMATION,

I'M GONNA LEAVE IT ON
THE DOOR HERE FOR YOUR DAD...

AND THEN ALL OF US ARE GONNA
GO HOME, GET SOME ICE CREAM

AND SOME COOKIES

AND WE GOT A BIG, SOFT UNCLE WE
CAN PRACTICE KARATE KICKS ON. OKAY.

COME ON!

(yelling)

(Andy) STOP IT! OW! OW!

JIM, DID YOU TELL THE KIDS
THAT THEY COULD HIT ANDY?

(chuckles) YEAH.

YOU WANT ME TO TELL 'EM
TO STOP?

(chuckles) NO.
THANK YOU.

YEAH, REAL COOL, THREE ON ONE.
I COULD TAKE ANY OF YOU ALONE!

(doorbell rings)

HEY, DID YOU TELL 'EM
THEY COULD HIT ME?

HEY, I'M PAYIN'
FOR KARATE CLASS,

THEY BETTER HIT SOMEBODY.

HI, WE'RE JUSTIN'S PARENTS.
I AM SO SORRY WE'RE LATE.

OH, NO PROBLEM.
COME IN, COME IN!

THERE WAS A BIG ACCIDENT
ON THE EISENHOWER.

WELL, WE'RE JUST HAPPY
YOU'RE OKAY. JUSTIN'S FINE.

HE'S IN THE KITCHEN
PLAYING WITH OUR KIDS.

MY NAME'S HEATHER
AND THIS IS BILL.

WELL, I'M CHERYL.
IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOU BOTH.

NICE MEETING YOU,
AND NOW THAT THE INTRODUCTIONS

ARE OUT OF THE WAY,
MIND IF I USE THE CAN? BILL.

WHAT? I BEEN STUCK IN A CAR
FOR TWO HOURS.

I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.
ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.

RIGHT BACK DOWN THAT HALL,
AND IT'S ON YOUR RIGHT.

SEE? NO BIG DEAL.

COME ON IN. HEATHER, THIS IS MY
HUSBAND JIM, MY BROTHER ANDY. HI.

HI-DE-HO.

OH, I AM SO EMBARRASSED,
FIRST, WE'RE TWO HOURS LATE,

AND THEN BILL ASKS
TO USE THE CAN.

OH, PLEASE. JIM WOULD HAVE
JUST PEED IN THE BUSHES. (laughs)

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT? SHE'S RIGHT. YOU WOULD
HAVE PEED IN THE BUSHES.

NO. THAT GUY BILL.
YEAH?

THAT'S MY FATHER.

WAIT, WAIT,

JUSTIN'S FATHER
IS YOUR FATHER?

YEAH.

ARE YOU SURE?
IT'S BEEN 35 YEARS.

OH, IT'S HIM.
OF COURSE IT'S HIM.

HE'S GOT THE SAME FACE,
THE SAME VOICE,

HE'S PROBABLY EVEN WEARIN'
THE SAME SHIRT!

IT'S HIM.

WOW. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS THE SAME THING I...

I DO WITH EVERY GUEST
THAT COMES HERE...

I'LL WATCH TV UNTIL
THEY GET THE HINT AND LEAVE.

JIM, NO, WAIT,

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE, MAN.

FATE HAS... HAS BROUGHT HIM
TO YOUR BATHROOM

AND PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS.

NOW, OKAY, I KNOW A SWIRLIE
CAN'T MAKE UP

FOR 35 YEARS OF NEGLECT,

BUT IT'S ONE HELL
OF A START.

ANDY, HE DIDN'T
EVEN RECOGNIZE ME,

AND I WANT TO KEEP
IT THAT WAY. NO, GO...

NO, NO, NO, PLEASE,
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, OKAY?

I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT.

JUST BE COOL
UNTIL THEY SPLIT.

GOD, I'M TORN.

I MEAN, YEAH, ON THE ONE HAND,
I WANT TO PROTECT MY BEST BUD.

THANKS.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

I REALLY WANT TO PUT IT
TO YOUR STEPMOM.

JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

(footsteps approach)

WOW. I CAME THIS CLOSE
TO PEEING IN THE BUSHES.

LUCKY FOR YOUR PETUNIAS,
THE WIFE STOPPED ME.

SIR, YOU ARE IN
A CHRISTIAN HOME.

YOUR BATHROOM HUMOR
IS NOT WELCOME HERE.

OH. I'M SORRY.

I GUESS THE BIG BOOK
OF BATHROOM HUMOR

NEXT TO THE CRAPPER
THREW ME OFF.

ANYWAY, THANKS FOR TAKING CARE
OF THE BOY FOR ME.

HEY, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING
LIKE THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

(chuckles) RIGHT.

OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T, BILL.

YOU DON'T MIND IF I CALL YOU
BILL, DO YOU, BILLY?

DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE?

MAYBE WE DO.

WHY? BECAUSE I LEFT MY SON
FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS?

TRY 35 YEARS,
BILLY-BILLY-BO-BILLY... OOH!

LOOK, 35 YEARS...

OH, MY GOD.

JIM?

GOOD LORD, NO. HIM.

JIMMY.

YOU'RE GROWN.

YEAH.

SO, UM, HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, GOOD, HOW YOU DOIN'?

I'M DOIN' FINE, FINE. GOOD,
GOOD. THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR.

WE'VE GOTTA DO THIS
AGAIN SOMETIME.

SURE, SURE, SURE.

BOO-YAH.

HEATHER, JUSTIN,
WE'RE LEAVING.

(Justin) DADDY!

(Cheryl)
THAT IS JUST AMAZING.

JIM, HEATHER AND I
HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

YEAH, WE'RE BOTH ARIES,
WE'RE BOTH RUSSELL CROWE FANS,

AND WHAT ELSE?

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

WE'LL SEE YOU FRIDAY NIGHT.
GREAT!

FRIDAY? WHAT?

YEAH, YEAH, I INVITED THEM
TO OUR SCHOOL CARNIVAL.

WON'T THAT BE FUN?

(Heather) BYE.

(Cheryl) OH, IT WAS JUST SO
GREAT TO MEET YOU. I KNOW.

SO WE'LL TALK BEFOREHAND AND THEN WE'LL
GO FRIDAY. THAT SOUNDS GREAT. BYE. BYE.

OKAY, GREAT. BYE.

(whispering) ISN'T THAT
GONNA BE A LITTLE AWKWARD,

YOU KNOW,
SINCE HE'S YOUR DAD?

WHAT ARE YOU SMILIN' ABOUT?

YOU KIDDIN'?
I'M IN MY WHEELHOUSE.

I'VE ALWAYS HAD
GREAT LUCK WITH CARNY CHICKS.

I THOUGHT ONE OF THEM
STOLE YOUR FLAT SCREEN TV.

MY FAULT. YEAH.
I BROUGHT HER HOME.

SHE SAID,
"THE PARKING LOT'S FINE,"

BUT SADLY, MOTHER RAISED ME
TO BE A GENTLEMAN.

(gasps) JIM.

JIM, THAT ONE'S
GOT ALL HER TEETH.

IN THE CARNY WORLD,
THAT'S CALLED "KISSIN' PRETTY."

JIM. JIM.

I WON THIS OVER
AT THE RING TOSS.

I DON'T THINK JUSTIN'LL
GO FOR IT, SO, UH, HERE.

OH, THANKS, BUT I DON'T THINK
A GAY BUNNY

IS GONNA FIX YOU
DITCHIN' ME WHEN I WAS 10.

OH, NO, NO, NO,
I... YOU KNOW...

I WAS, UH, THINKING,
MAYBE, YOU KNOW,

YOU COULD GIVE IT
TO RUBY OR GRACIE.

THAT'S A VERY SWEET THOUGHT,
BILL.

HERE YOU GO.

WILL YOU PLEASE
STOP BUSTING MY CHOPS?

I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING NICE
FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTERS.

WHOA, WHOA, BILL, YOU CAN'T
CALL THEM YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS.

YOU'RE NOT THEIR GRANDFATHER.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE JUST
A FATHER WITH A BOY

WHO MY GIRLS HAPPEN
TO HAVE A CRUSH ON,

WHICH, BY THE WAY,
WE GOTTA PUT A STOP TO THAT.

ABSOLUTELY.

DAD, THEY GOT THESE COOL
GIANT SUMO SUITS!

CAN YOU AND ME WRESTLE?

SURE. ANYTHING FOR MY SON.

HEY, JIM, JIM, THEY GOT THESE
COOL GIANT SUMO SUITS.

CAN YOU AND ME WRESTLE?

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE CARNY CHICK?

OH, THAT'S LOCKED AND LOADED.
I GAVE HER KEYS TO MY HOUSE.

WE'RE GONNA
MEET UP THERE LATER.

ANDY,
SHE'S GONNA RIP YOU OFF!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT THIS ONE.
SHE'S DIFFERENT.

HER FRIEND THE PSYCHIC SAID
I HAVE NOTHIN' TO WORRY ABOUT.

COME ON, COME ON,
CAN WE GO WRESTLE?

NO, NO, NO. BILL'S
GONNA BE OVER THERE.

I DON'T WANNA
GET NEAR THE GUY.

LOOK AT ME. OH, GOD,
I'M SORRY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

HERE YOU ARE HURTIN'
AND I'M CHASIN' CARMEL APPLES

AND CARNY TAIL.

COME HERE, YOU, HUH?
COME ON.

GIMME SOME
"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON!

I'M GONNA WRESTLE YOU!
COME ON, LET'S GO!

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN
RIGHT NOW!

I CAN'T HELP THINKING
ABOUT THE POOR PEOPLE

WHO HAVE TO CLEAN
THESE SUITS TONIGHT.

SO WHEN IS UNCLE ANDY
GONNA PUT HIS SUMO SUIT ON?

GET IT?
DO YOU GUYS GET IT?

(Andy grunts)

OHAYO-GOZAIMASU.

WHAT THE HELL
DOES THAT MEAN?

"A PLEASANT GOOD MORNING."

I KNOW THAT AND HOW TO ASK
FOR "THE SPECIAL MASSAGE."

(both grunt)

OOH!

OH, I FEEL LIKE WE SAW
THIS SHOW AT SEA WORLD.

YEAH, AND ONCE AGAIN, WE'RE IN
THE SPLASH ZONE. LET'S GO.

(both grunt)

(laughs) OHH! OHH!

OOH, AHH, LITTLE ONE,
WE MEET AGAIN.

OH, YOU WANT A PIECE
OF ME?

(grunts)

HEY, ANDY!

OH.

OKAY, JIMMY, TAKE YOUR PICK.

WE COULD TALK
OR WE COULD WRESTLE.

UH, JIMMY, I DIDN'T LITERALLY
MEAN WRESTLE.

I MEAN IT AS A JOKE!
(yells)

AAH! WHOA!

COME ON, GET UP.

FINE. WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK.

JUST HELP ME UP
AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

AW, GET UP YOURSELF! COME
ON, COME ON, GIVE ME A HAND!

I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

OHH! HEY!

(grunts)

WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU WANT WITH ME?!

FIVE SECONDS! JUST STOP
HATING ME FOR FIVE SECONDS. NO!

YES! LOOK, YOUR DAD
WAS A BAD GUY.

HE WAS YOUNG AND HE WAS STUPID
AND HE WAS SELFISH,

BUT... BUT JUSTIN'S DAD
IS DIFFERENT!

YEAH,
"JUSTIN'S DAD'S DIFFERENT."

WELL, GOOD FOR JUSTIN.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT FOR HIM.
YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HE'S GONNA HAVE A DAD
AT HIS LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES

AND HIS FOOTBALL GAMES
AND HIS HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION

WHEN I HAD AN EMPTY SEAT!

I WAS AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
GRADUATION!

YOU WERE?

YEAH, I COULDN'T
TELL YOUR MOTHER I WAS THERE,

BUT I WAS THERE! I WAS
UNDERNEATH THE GRANDSTAND

AT THE OTHER END
OF THE FOOTBALL FIELD.

NOTHING AND NOBODY
WAS GOING TO KEEP ME

FROM SEEING MY SON GRADUATE
HIGH SCHOOL, NOTHING!

WAS IT DAY OR NIGHT?

DAY.
NIGHT!

DAMN!

YOU HAVEN'T
CHANGED ONE BIT!

I HAVE, REALLY, JIMMY!

WHEN I... WHEN I MET HEATHER
AND WE GOT MARRIED

AND THEN WE HAD JUSTIN,
I STARTED TO PULL IT TOGETHER.

YEAH? WELL, IF YOU PULLED IT
TOGETHER, IF THAT'S TRUE,

WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME
A CALL?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY
TO FIND ME?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY TO SEE
IF I WAS OKAY?

IF I WAS DEAD OR ALIVE,
YOU DIDN'T EVEN LOOK FOR ME!

WHAT WAS I GONNA DO? I'M GONNA
PICK UP THE PHONE AND SAY,

"I'M SORRY, SON, I RAN OUT
ON YOU, AND I LEFT YOU FLAT."

I JUST... I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE BETTER FOR YOU THIS WAY.

OH, THANKS, DAD. THANKS FOR
MAKING THAT DECISION FOR ME.

ALL IS FORGIVEN NOW,
ALL RIGHT?

HERE, WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE ME A HUG?

COME ON, GIVE YOUR SON
JIMMY A BIG HUG, DAD!

COME ON!

JUSTIN, UM...

JUSTIN!

(Jim sighs)

HEY.

HEY.

OKAY, CHERYL,
THAT WAS MY DAD.

SO WE'RE HERE NOW.

GET YOUR EMOTIONAL CROWBAR OUT
AND PRY OPEN MY GUTS,

AND LET'S SEE HOW
JIM'S FEELIN'.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE.

OH.

THANKS.

MM-HMM.

THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM,
I WAS 10.

IT WAS A SATURDAY MORNING
AND, UH, I WAS ON THE PORCH,

BOUNCIN' MY SuperBall...
YOU REMEMBER THOSE?

AND I HEARD MY DAD'S...

THAT MAROON EL CAMINO OF HIS...

IT FIRED RIGHT UP, YOU KNOW?

ANYWAY, HE BACKED OUT OF
THE DRIVEWAY,

PULLED INTO THE STREET,
AND HE STOPPED.

I TURNED AND I WAVED TO HIM.

HE WAVED BACK...

AND SMILED.

HE SMILED...

AND THEN HE WAS GONE.

WHY DID HE SMILE?

I MEAN, HE KNEW
HE WAS NEVER COMIN' BACK.

WHAT WAS HE SMILING ABOUT,
CHERYL?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, BABY.

OH, BABY...

THAT SUCKS.

YEAH.

BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW.

I MEAN... YOU ARE
NOTHING LIKE HIM.

MAYBE BECAUSE HE LEFT,

YOU LEARNED TO TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF

AND YOUR MOM AND YOUR SISTER
AND US.

I MEAN, HONEY...

YOU TAKE
SUCH GOOD CARE OF US.

HEY, CHERYL?

(whispers) YEAH?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE... THE NEXT TIME
MY FATHER ABANDONS ME

AND SHOWS UP
35 YEARS LATER...

YEAH?

TWO SUGARS.

(laughs)

YES. TWO SUGARS.

WHOO. WHERE ARE THE KIDS?
I'M BEAT.

DANA TOOK THEM TO GET HOT DOGS
AND THEN TO THE BOUNCY HOUSE.

OOH. THEY'RE RIDIN' HOME
IN HER CAR.

COME ON, JUSTIN, YOU KNOW
YOU'RE MY BEST BUDDY.

LOOK, I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO
EVEN EVER THINK ABOUT LEAVING.

HEY, WHO WOULD I WATCH
THE SOX GAMES WITH, HUH?

HERE, GO AHEAD WITHOUT ME.

OKAY.

HEY, JUSTIN.

WANT SOME COTTON CANDY?

YOU KNOW, I BOUGHT IT
FOR ANDY.

AND HE'LL GET REALLY MAD
IF I GIVE IT TO YOU, SO HERE.

HE'S A LITTLE TOO UPSET
FOR COTTON CANDY.

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME
A SHOT?

(sighs)

ROUGH DAY, HUH, KID?

YEAH.

YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
A LONG TIME AGO,

YOUR DAD DID SOMETHING
REALLY, REALLY STUPID.

BUT PEOPLE CHANGE...

AND HE LOVES YOU.

CUT HIM A BREAK.

HEY, HE'S NOT GOIN' ANYWHERE.

AND IF HE DOES,

YOU GOT AN OLDER BROTHER
THAT'S GONNA KICK HIS ASS.

HEY, DAD,

CAN WE GO ON THE SLIDE?

YOU TRY AND STOP ME.

I'LL GO GET IN LINE.

THANKS.

YEAH, WELL...
I DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU.

I DID IT FOR
MY LITTLE BROTHER.

I GUESS THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA GET
FROM YOU. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

WELL, I'LL TAKE IT.

AND I MEANT WHAT I SAID.
WHAT'S THAT?

YOU MAKE ME A LIAR
IN FRONT OF THAT BOY,

AND I'LL COME
AND KICK YOUR ASS.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

SO IF I GIVE YOU
MY A.T.M. CARD,

YOU'LL PICK UP SOME BEER
AND HAVE DINNER WAITIN'?

(chuckles)

DADDY, DO WE HAVE TO LEAVE?

MOMMY SAYS YOU WANT TO LEAVE
BECAUSE YOU'RE TIRED.

I WANT TO PLAY SOME MORE.

WELL, WHERE DID MOMMY
GET THAT IDEA?

I WANT TO STAY
AND PLAY ALL NIGHT!

(children) YAY!

LET'S GO ON THE SWING RIDE!

OHH.

YOU KNOW, ONE TIME
ON THE SWING RIDE,

I THREW UP
IN A PERFECT CIRCLE.

(both laugh)