According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 18 - Polite Jim - full transcript
After Jim makes one of his neighbors cry, Cheryl convinces him to be more sensitive. But "Polite Jim" later finds out that the neighbor was crying over something else, and not Jim's outburst. Worst of all, she apologized with a pi...
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
ALL RIGHT, I GOT
SOME LEMONADE HERE FOR YOU.
NOW REMEMBER,
THERE'S COMPANY HERE,
SO NO PEEING IN THE BUSHES.
OH, MAN! I THOUGHT
THIS WAS A PARTY.
♪♪♪
HEY, HEY.
HEY.
LET ME TELL YOU, MAN,
THIS PARTY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
LOOK AT...
LOOK AT WILLIE OVER THERE,
EATING BEAN DIP
LIKE IT'S HIS JOB.
OKAY, TAKE IT EASY.
BREATHE IN THE MEAT SMOKE.
IT ALWAYS CALMS YOU.
(inhales)
HEY, JIM.
WE ARE OUT OF BEAN DIP.
OH, GOD.
I CAN'T STAND THESE PARTIES.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
EVERY YEAR,
SHE HAS THIS BARBECUE,
AND EVERY YEAR, I FORGET
HOW MUCH I HATE 'EM
UNTIL I'M HERE
DOING THIS DAMN THING.
I MEAN, I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE,
AND SHE KNOWS THAT.
SHE KNOWS IT. I MEAN,
I LIKE THE IDEA OF PEOPLE,
BUT I JUST DON'T LIKE PEOPLE.
WHY CAN'T SHE JUST HAVE
THIS BARBECUE
AND NOT INVITE ME?
IT'S WHAT
EVERYONE ELSE DOES.
YEAH.
I GOTTA SIT HERE ALL AFTERNOON
AND HAVE THESE POLITE,
PHONY CONVERSATIONS.
AW, COME ON.
THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD.
COME ON, THEY'RE HORRIBLE.
NO, WHAT ABOUT MIKE CHASEN?
MIKE CHASEN'S
GONNA COME OVER HERE
AND TELL ME A FUNNY STORY
ABOUT INVESTMENT BANKING.
I LIKE FAY MORGAN.
FAY MORGAN? SHE INVITES US
TO DINNER EVERY YEAR...
EVERY YEAR...
AND NEVER
FOLLOWS THROUGH WITH IT.
FORGET IT. PHONY PEOPLE.
AND JODY CHEN...
HOW ABOUT HER?
"OOH, MY CHILDREN ARE
THE SMARTEST CHILDREN EVER."
I CAN'T STAND THIS.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE CAN
BRAG ABOUT HOW CUTE THEY ARE.
WELL... GOD WENT A LITTLE
HEAVY WITH THE UGLY SHAKER.
OH, ANDY.
HMM. IT NEEDS MORE
MAYONNAISE. OKAY.
(gasps) CHERYL, YOU JUST PUT
DISH SOAP IN THE POTATO SALAD.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SO WORRIED THAT JIM'S
GONNA OFFEND SOMEBODY,
I CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING
ELSE. OKAY, HERE'S A THOUGHT,
HAVE A NEIGHBORHOOD BARBECUE
AND DON'T INVITE HIM.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE JIM HAS
NO NATURAL POLITENESS FILTER.
SO I'M ALWAYS HAVING
TO PULL PEOPLE
OUT OF CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM
BEFORE HE UPSETS 'EM.
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
WELL... (clears throat)
TODAY, I HAVE A PLAN.
I'M GONNA RUN IN AND SAY,
"I HEARD A FUNNY STORY."
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
ANY FUNNY STORIES.
I DIDN'T SAY
IT WAS A GOOD PLAN.
HELLO, JIM.
OH, HELLO, FAY.
SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON,
AS USUAL.
MM-HMM.
BOB WAS SO SORRY
HE COULDN'T BE HERE.
YEAH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
YEAH.
BOB'S YOUR HUSBAND, RIGHT?
(laughs)
HERE'S YOUR HOT DOG
AND OFF YOU GO.
(laughs)
YOU KNOW, BOB AND I
ARE SO FOND
OF YOU AND CHERYL.
THE FOUR OF US
HAVE JUST GOT TO GET
TOGETHER FOR DINNER.
(inhales)
LOOK, FAY, I GOTTA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
EVERY YEAR AT THE BARBECUE,
YOU ASK US TO DINNER,
AND EVERY YEAR, YOU NEVER
FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT.
WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE DINNER
TOGETHER. REALLY, IT'S OKAY.
I LIKE THE RELATIONSHIP
THE WAY IT IS.
WE SEE EACH OTHER ONCE A YEAR
HERE AT THE BARBECUE,
BECAUSE, REALLY,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU EAT,
YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME EAT,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYBODY EAT.
CHERYL.
HUH?
JIM IS TALKING
TO FAY MORGAN.
WHAT?
NO!
RUN, CHERYL, RUN!
I HEARD A FUNNY STORY!
(squeaks)
(sobs)
AND OFF YOU GO.
WELL, ANOTHER YEAR,
ANOTHER RUINED BARBECUE.
WHAT... COME ON, COME ON,
FAY'S NOT THAT UPSET.
REALLY?
(crying)
OKAY, OKAY.
OKAY, SHE'S UPSET.
SHUT THE DOOR, PLEASE.
SHUT THE DOOR.
WHAT DID YOU SAY
TO HER?
NOTHING.
I JUST TOLD HER THE TRUTH.
THE TRUTH?!
YES.
JIM, IT'S A BARBECUE.
IT'S HOT DOG, POTATO SALAD,
AND POLITE LIES.
CHERYL, YOU KNOW
I'M ALL ABOUT THE TRUTH.
WH... YOU LIE TO ME
TWICE A DAY.
BUT YOU ONLY CATCH ME
TWICE A DAY,
I'M... I'M IN DOUBLE DIGITS.
COME ON, YOU KNOW FAY.
SHE'S ALWAYS INVITING US
OUT TO DINNER.
EVERY YEAR,
SHE INVITES US TO DINNER,
AND SHE DOESN'T MEAN IT.
I JUST CALLED HER ON IT,
THAT'S ALL.
SO THEY INVITED US
OUT TO DINNER.
YOU NOD,
SMILE AND MOVE ON.
NO, CHERYL.
SHE'S BEING DISRESPECTFUL.
I DON'T SEE WHY I HAVE TO BE
A BIG PHONY ABOUT IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PHONY,
JUST DON'T BE MEAN.
I WASN'T MEAN.
I WAS JUST BEING HONEST.
OKAY, JIM, YOU CAN BE HONEST
AND KIND AT THE SAME TIME.
I DON'T THINK SO, CHERYL.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO BE
BRUTALLY HONEST WITH PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
THEY GET IT.
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU GOTTA
SUCK IT UP AND BE POLITE
FOR 20 MINUTES.
IT'S CALLED
"TAKING THE HIGH ROAD."
I HATE THE HIGH ROAD.
OH.
I LOVE THAT LOW ROAD.
IT'S NOISY DOWN THERE.
IT'S HONEST.
PEOPLE ARE BEEPING HORNS,
CUSSING AT EACH OTHER.
I LOVE IT DOWN THERE!
IT SMELLS OF CONFRONTATION
AND ARGUING.
(inhales)
I CAN SMELL IT
RIGHT NOW.
THE TRAFFIC IS STOPPED
AND PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING.
I SEE RED LIGHTS,
BRAKE LIGHTS,
PEOPLE JUST GIVING
EACH OTHER THE FINGER.
OHH!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL
DOWN THERE, BABY.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S ONLY ONE WAY THERE,
MY WAY.
THAT IS GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT, HONEY.
HEY, LET'S CHECK THE TRAFFIC
ON THE LOW ROAD.
(sobbing)
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SHUT THE DOOR. I GET IT.
I GET IT. DON'T DO THAT.
(sighs)
I GET IT, CHERYL.
I GET IT.
SERIOUSLY, I-I DO.
I FEEL BAD.
I DIDN'T WANT
TO HURT THE GIRL. I...
OKAY, HONEY, I BELIEVE YOU.
NOW FIX IT.
"FIX IT"?
YES.
HOW?
WELL, HOW?
HONEY, JUST SHOW
SOME COMPASSION.
COMPASSION?
YES, COMPASSION.
YOU KNOW, ON THE LOW ROAD,
THEY GIVE TICKETS OUT
FOR COMPASSION.
OH, HONEY.
(mouths words)
(sighs)
(sobs)
CRYING, HUH?
WELL...
NO... (whispers)
GO BACK THERE.
HEY, FAY.
(sobs)
FAY, LISTEN...
YOU KNOW, ALL...
ALL I WAS TRYING TO SAY
WAS THAT, YOU KNOW,
EVERY YEAR, YOU COME
TO THE BARBECUE,
YOU INVITE US TO DINNER,
AND YOU NEVER FOLLOW
THROUGH WITH IT. B-BUT...
IT'S OKAY THAT YOU DON'T
FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
OUR RELATIONSHIP
THE WAY IT IS IS FINE.
WE DON'T NEED TO BE FRIENDS.
(sobs)
(Cheryl) JIM. JIM.
WHAT...
JIM, HONEY, COME HERE.
COME HERE.
(sobbing)
OKAY, HONEY,
YOU'RE SAYING THE SAME THING
THAT MADE HER CRY.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING IT
IN A SOFTER VOICE.
I'M BEING COMPASSIONATE.
I'M BEING KIND.
NO, NO.
YOU'RE BEING QUIET.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO?
GO CHARM HER.
"CHARM HER"?
YES.
I'M GONNA NEED
A BEER FOR THAT.
GO, GO.
COME ON, FAY.
OH! OH!
COME ON.
DON'T BE MAD AT ME, FAY.
OH! OH!
COME ON. I DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, FAY.
REALLY, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T
MEAN TO HURT YOU, REALLY.
YOU KNOW,
CHERYL AND I REALLY,
YOU KNOW, WE... WE WANT
TO HAVE DINNER
WITH YOU AND BOB.
OH.
YES, NOW...
OFF YOU GO.
HOW'S...
HOW'S THIS SATURDAY?
"THIS SATURDAY," WHAT?
THE FOUR OF US, DINNER.
THIS SATURDAY?
WELL, FAY,
THAT'S A LITTLE SOON,
DON'T YOU THINK?
I MEAN, DO WE HAVE TO PUT
A DATE ON IT, REALLY?
YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE
DINNER. I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT. NO,
NO, FAY. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
JIM'S NOT SAYING THAT.
JUST... HE DOESN'T WANT
TO PUT YOU OUT. YEAH.
THAT'S WHY WE'LL HAVE
DINNER HERE. WHAT?
YES. SATURDAY NIGHT,
THE FOUR OF US.
OH, BOB WILL BE THRILLED.
OH!
OH.
UH, CAN I HAVE
THAT BEER NOW?
NOW FAY AND BOB
ARE GONNA COME OVER
TO DINNER.
AND I KNOW I'M GONNA
MAKE FAY CRY. I JUST KNOW IT.
OH.
OH, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I'M THE BEACON OF TRUTH
IN A WORLD FULL OF LIES.
HEY, IT'S JUST
WHO YOU ARE, JIM.
YOU DON'T DO SMALL TALK.
YOU'RE A TRUTH COP.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DO SMALL TALK.
HEY, ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT?
OH, A FEW POUNDS.
BINGO. THAT, MY FRIEND,
IS SMALL TALK.
THAT WAS TOTALLY INSINCERE.
OH, YEAH.
YOU LOOK LIKE CRAP.
CAN YOU TEACH ME
SOME OF THOSE LITTLE HOOKS,
THOSE LITTLE PHRASES?
SURE, SURE.
YOU JUST NEED A FEW OF 'EM
TO STEER CLEAR
OF ANY PROBLEM AREAS. WELL,
GIVE ME ONE. GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE.
OKAY, FIRST,
WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY SAY
WHEN YOU INTERACT
WITH PEOPLE?
UH, NOTHING.
I KINDA WAIT TILL
THEY'RE DONE TALKING
SO I CAN TELL 'EM
WHAT IDIOTS THEY ARE.
(laughs) YOU'RE
A FUNNY GUY, JIM.
WELL, I LIKE
TO THINK SO.
BINGO. GOT YOU AGAIN.
YOU'RE GOOD.
YOU'RE GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA
WRITE SOME OF THESE DOWN.
YOU THINK I CAN BE READY
FOR THE PARTY? OH, SURE.
SMART, GOOD-LOOKIN' GUY
LIKE YOU
CAN DO ANYTHING IF HE PUTS HIS
MIND TO IT. WELL, THANK YOU, ANDY.
BINGO.
THIS IS GOLD.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ANDY? I AM SO
GLAD YOU'RE HERE. OH, THANK YOU.
BINGO.
OH!
AHH!
YO. SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
(whispers)
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I'M WATCHING MY DREAMS
COME TRUE.
(normal voice)
JIM'S MOVING OUT?
ANDY IS TEACHING JIM
HOW TO BE POLITE.
YOU'RE KIDDING. IS
IT WORKING? NO. YES!
LOOK.
(Jim chuckles)
THIS IS A DELIGHTFUL PARTY.
(chuckles)
LET'S DO IT AGAIN,
PERHAPS AT MY HOUSE.
YES!
SERIOUSLY, HOW IS ANDY
DOING THAT?
DOES HE HAVE A CAR BATTERY
HOOKED UP TO JIM'S NADS?
OH, BOB, FAY...
HI.
I AM SO GLAD
YOU COULD MAKE IT.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
LOOK AT THAT HAT
HE'S WEARING.
THAT IS RIDICULOUS!
AND I'M GONNA TELL HIM.
NO, NO. EASY.
NO, NO, NO.
LOOK AT HOW STUPID
THAT HAT IS.
NOBODY SHOULD BE WEARING
A HAT LIKE THAT.
HE'S GOT TO KNOW THAT.
OKAY, DAMN IT, JIM,
THIS IS WHAT WE TRAINED FOR.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
THROW THOSE 45 MINUTES AWAY?
BOB, FAY, I THINK
YOU KNOW MY BROTHER ANDY.
AH, YES, I MET FAY
AT THE BARBECUE.
WE FOUGHT OVER
THE LAST PIECE OF CAKE.
(laughs)
IT WAS DELICIOUS,
BY THE WAY.
OH. WELL, UH, DINNER'S
GONNA BE READY VERY SOON.
BUT WE HAVE
ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR
TO SIT AND CHAT,
SO PLEASE SIT DOWN.
MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE.
HALF AN HOUR TO CHAT?
(chuckles)
COME ON, CHERYL. WHY DID WE BUY
THAT MICROWAVE OVEN?
HEY, BOB...
DID YOU LOSE SOME WEIGHT?
ACTUALLY, YEAH.
I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL
WITH A BAD CASE OF COLITIS.
WOW. WELL, WHATEVER
YOU'RE DOIN', KEEP IT UP.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
BINGO?
KEEP SWINGIN',
YOU'LL HIT ONE.
WELL, I AM JUST SO GLAD
WE'RE FINALLY DOING THIS.
WE ARE GLAD, TOO.
WE JUST LOVE YOU GUYS.
OH, WE LOVE YOU, TOO.
RIGHT, JIM?
UH, YES.
I LOVE YOU, FAY.
I LOVE YOU, BOB.
THANKS. IN FACT, FAY AND I
WERE JUST SAYING
HOW MUCH WE'D LIKE
TO HAVE YOU BOTH UP
TO OUR LAKE HOUSE
FOR A WEEKEND. YEAH.
YOUR LAKE HOUSE? WOW.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, JIM?
FAY AND BOB WOULD LIKE TO
HAVE US TO THEIR LAKE HOUSE.
WHAT A WONDERFUL...
DELIGHTFUL INVITATION.
(Jim) I... WE...
WOULD...
LOVE...
TO JOIN YOU.
YES!
WELL, I'M GONNA GO
CHECK ON DINNER.
AND I JUST KNOW
WHEN I COME BACK,
WE'LL STILL BE INVITED
TO THAT LAKE HOUSE.
WON'T WE, HONEY?
(chuckles)
YOU'RE SO FUNNY, CHERYL.
YEAH. YOU KNOW
I'M NOT JOKING.
(groans)
YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR,
AREN'T YOU, JIM?
YES, BOB, I, UH,
I AM A CONTRACTOR.
DO YOU LIKE
CONTRACTOR JOKES?
YOU MEAN THE KIND
THAT PAINTS GUYS LIKE ME
IN A HORRIBLE LIGHT?
LOVE 'EM!
(Bob chuckles)
AND GOD SAYS,
"I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT,
BUT WE DON'T HAVE
ANY CONTRACTORS UP HERE."
(Fay and Bob laughing)
GET IT?
THEY'RE UNSCRUPULOUS,
AND THEREFORE, THEY'RE
ALL IN HELL. I GET IT.
(Bob, Fay and Andy laugh)
I GET IT.
HEY, JIM,
BOB'S A FUNNY GUY.
AND YOU LOVE HIM,
DON'T YOU?
I LOVE YOU, BOB.
I LOVE YOU, FAY.
JIM...
JIM, I JUST...
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
HOW SORRY I AM
FOR CRYING THE OTHER DAY.
WHAT, YOU FEEL BAD? WHY WOULD
YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT CRYING?
WELL, LATELY EVERY
LITTLE THING MAKES ME CRY.
HER CAT PASSED AWAY, AND IT...
IT'S REALLY HIT HER HARD.
YOU MEAN...
IT WASN'T MY FAULT
THAT YOU WERE CRYING?
YOU WERE CRYING
BECAUSE YOUR CAT DIED?
WELL... YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT!
OH!
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
NOT ABOUT YOUR CAT.
THAT'S A TRAGEDY.
(Andy) OH, YEAH.
POOR THING...
CUT DOWN IN HER PRIME
BY SOME RECKLESS DRIVER.
WE NEVER SAID
SHE WAS HIT BY A CAR.
OH.
THEN I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
AND OFF I GO.
DIDN'T CHERYL TELL YOU?
I CAME OVER THE OTHER DAY
TO APOLOGIZE.
YOU DID?
YEAH.
I BROUGHT A PIE.
THERE WAS PIE INVOLVED?
CHERYL!
CHERYL.
CHERYL KNEW
IT WASN'T MY FAULT,
AND SHE KEPT IT FROM ME,
ALONG WITH THE PIE.
WHAT KIND OF PIE
WAS IT?
APPLE.
AMERICA'S PIE?
WELL, I BROUGHT IT OVER
TO THANK YOU
FOR BEING HONEST WITH ME.
WHY WOULD YOU THANK ME
FOR BEING HONEST?
WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT.
I HAVE THIS PROBLEM WITH
MAKING INSINCERE INVITATIONS.
NO, NO, NO, FAY,
WE BOTH DO.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S CARED ENOUGH
TO CALL US ON IT.
YOU'RE LIKE... YOU'RE LIKE
A BEACON OF TRUTH.
SO I WAS RIGHT
FROM THE BEGINNING.
FROM THE BEGINNING,
I WAS RIGHT.
(chuckling evilly)
WELL, MY DEAR FRIENDS,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
FOR A RIDE ON THE LOW ROAD?
(all laughing)
OH, THIS WAS
JUST MARVELOUS, CHERYL.
SO TELL US
ABOUT THAT LAKE HOUSE.
OH, IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL...
AND SO ROMANTIC.
DO YOU TWO
LIKE HOT TUBBING?
WELL...
DO WE!
WELL, WE HAVE ONE
THAT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR FOUR.
BARELY.
WE'LL BE DANCING
CHEEK TO CHEEK.
UH... WHAT ELSE
IS THERE TO DO UP THERE?
IS THERE HIKING OR...
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
THERE'S A LOVELY HIKE
UP TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
WE LOAD UP ON WINE,
AND THEN BACK TO THE HOT TUB.
WHERE BATHING SUITS
ARE OPTIONAL.
HEY, THEY'RE NOT OPTIONAL.
THEY'RE FORBIDDEN.
(Fay laughs)
NO BATHING SUITS?
WELL, THAT SAVES TIME
AND PACKING.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA.
YEAH, AND WHEN
WE HAVE TUBBY TIME,
I CALL THE SEAT
NEXT TO YOU.
BOB, YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY.
(Jim laughs)
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN
HIS BEST FEATURE.
YOU'LL SEE.
UH, JIM, HONEY...
YEAH.
I COULD REALLY USE
YOUR HELP WITH THE DESSERT.
OH, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I HOPE YOU LIKE PUDDING.
(Cheryl) IT'S FLAN!
HEY... I REALLY LIKE
THIS BOB AND FAY.
JIM, THIS LAKE HOUSE THING
IS FREAKING ME OUT.
I AM NOT WALKING NUDE
THROUGH THE WOODS
TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
STAY IN THE HOT TUB WITH BOB,
AND I'LL DO THE BEER RUN
WITH FAY?
OKAY, YOU WATCH
ENOUGH CABLE TV
TO KNOW THAT THESE PEOPLE
ARE SWINGERS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
YES.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
SERVE 'EM DESSERT,
I GUESS.
WHAT?
WELL, IT WOULD BE RUDE
NOT TO AT THIS POINT.
I-I WANT YOU
TO THROW THEM OUT.
WHAT, THROW THEM OUT?
CHERYL, COME ON,
THAT'S NOT KIND.
WHO SAID YOU NEED
TO BE KIND?
YOU SAID
YOU GOT TO BE KIND.
YOU TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD
BE ABLE TO SUCK IT UP
FOR 20 MINUTES
AND BE POLITE AT ANY PARTY.
WELL, THIS IS A PARTY
AND I'M BEING POLITE.
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DID SAY THAT.
I GUESS I FORGOT TO MENTION
THAT IT DOESN'T COUNT
IF THEY'RE TRYING
TO GET IN OUR PANTS!
CHERYL, I AM NOT
GONNA MAKE FAY CRY AGAIN.
OH, HONEY, YEAH,
MAKE FAY CRY.
NO, CHERYL.
MAKE FAY CRY.
CHERYL... GO MAKE
FAY CRY. MAKE HER CRY.
CHERYL, STOP IT.
STOP IT. MAKE HER CRY.
TAKE THE HIGH ROAD,
DAMN IT.
SO, UH...
HAVE YOU TWO
LOST WEIGHT?
JIM!
THESE FREAKS ARE NAKED
IN OUR LIVING ROOM,
WHERE OUR CHILDREN
WATCH CARTOONS.
(whispers) CHERYL,
THEY CAN HEAR YOU.
YES, JIM, THEY CAN HEAR ME.
I WANT THEM TO HEAR ME.
AND I WANT THEM
TO GET OUT! CHERYL...
WE DON'T CARE ABOUT
YOUR STUPID LAKE HOUSE.
WE DON'T CARE ABOUT
YOUR STUPID HOT TUB.
GET YOUR FOUNDATION GARMENTS
AND YOUR MAN BOOBS
AND GET OUT!
GO! GO! GO!
LET'S DO THIS AGAIN
SOMETIME.
"LET'S DO THIS AGAIN"?
YES.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
WELL, I DON'T WANT FAY
TO GET UPSET.
SHE'S BEEN REALLY BOTHERED
SINCE HER CAT DIED.
OH, HER CAT DIED
A WEEK AGO.
I KNOW, BUT I DIDN'T
KNOW THAT YET
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
THOSE DISHES
ARE NOT GONNA WASH THEMSELVES.
FREEZE, BLONDIE.
YOU SET ME UP!
NO, NO, YOU SET ME UP!
HOW LONG WERE YOU GONNA
LET ME HANG OUT THERE TO DRY?
AS LONG AS IT TAKES, JIM.
JIM, I WANT
TO HAVE BARBECUES.
I WANT TO HAVE
CHRISTMAS PARTIES.
I WANT PROGRESSIVE DINNERS!
I WANT APPLE PIE!
I WANT MY PANTS!
HEY...
WERE YOU GUYS IN ON THIS?
(Fay) YES. GOTCHA!
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT
"MAN BOOBS" THING, BOB.
OH, NO, NO.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
A FEW PUSH-UPS
WOULDN'T KILL ME.
HEY, BOB, CAN YOU
HOLD ON A SECOND?
BECAUSE MY WIFE HERE
IS TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO ME
WHY SHE LIED TO ME.
BECAUSE I WANTED
POLITE JIM.
I LOVE POLITE JIM.
I CAN TAKE POLITE JIM
TO PARTIES.
CHERYL, BUT YOU WANTED
HONEST JIM
TO THROW THESE PEOPLE OUT
OF OUR HOUSE TONIGHT.
WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY
I DON'T GET TO PICK
WHICH JIM I WANT.
PICK WHICH JIM YOU WANT?
YES.
HONEY, I'M NOT A SWEATER.
CHERYL, YOU JUST
HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT
THAT I'M AN HONEST GUY.
AND I MAY RUB PEOPLE
THE WRONG WAY ONCE IN AWHILE.
AND FOR THE RECORD,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
BOB AND FAY WERE ACTUALLY...
THEY WERE HAPPY THAT
I WAS TRUTHFUL WITH THEM.
RIGHT, BOB, FAY?
OH, COME ON.
(Fay) YES. HE SAID EXACTLY
WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR.
HE CHANGED OUR LIVES.
I CHANGED THEIR LIVES.
HMM?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I SURRENDER, I SURRENDER.
YOU CAN CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS
FROM NOW ON.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, GUYS, THAT WAS GREAT.
OH, WHAT GREAT SPORTS YOU
ARE. THAT WAS LOTS OF FUN.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, CHERYL,
WE'RE NOT SWINGERS.
BUT WE ARE NUDISTS.
AND OFF YOU GO.
---
ALL RIGHT, I GOT
SOME LEMONADE HERE FOR YOU.
NOW REMEMBER,
THERE'S COMPANY HERE,
SO NO PEEING IN THE BUSHES.
OH, MAN! I THOUGHT
THIS WAS A PARTY.
♪♪♪
HEY, HEY.
HEY.
LET ME TELL YOU, MAN,
THIS PARTY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
LOOK AT...
LOOK AT WILLIE OVER THERE,
EATING BEAN DIP
LIKE IT'S HIS JOB.
OKAY, TAKE IT EASY.
BREATHE IN THE MEAT SMOKE.
IT ALWAYS CALMS YOU.
(inhales)
HEY, JIM.
WE ARE OUT OF BEAN DIP.
OH, GOD.
I CAN'T STAND THESE PARTIES.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
EVERY YEAR,
SHE HAS THIS BARBECUE,
AND EVERY YEAR, I FORGET
HOW MUCH I HATE 'EM
UNTIL I'M HERE
DOING THIS DAMN THING.
I MEAN, I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE,
AND SHE KNOWS THAT.
SHE KNOWS IT. I MEAN,
I LIKE THE IDEA OF PEOPLE,
BUT I JUST DON'T LIKE PEOPLE.
WHY CAN'T SHE JUST HAVE
THIS BARBECUE
AND NOT INVITE ME?
IT'S WHAT
EVERYONE ELSE DOES.
YEAH.
I GOTTA SIT HERE ALL AFTERNOON
AND HAVE THESE POLITE,
PHONY CONVERSATIONS.
AW, COME ON.
THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD.
COME ON, THEY'RE HORRIBLE.
NO, WHAT ABOUT MIKE CHASEN?
MIKE CHASEN'S
GONNA COME OVER HERE
AND TELL ME A FUNNY STORY
ABOUT INVESTMENT BANKING.
I LIKE FAY MORGAN.
FAY MORGAN? SHE INVITES US
TO DINNER EVERY YEAR...
EVERY YEAR...
AND NEVER
FOLLOWS THROUGH WITH IT.
FORGET IT. PHONY PEOPLE.
AND JODY CHEN...
HOW ABOUT HER?
"OOH, MY CHILDREN ARE
THE SMARTEST CHILDREN EVER."
I CAN'T STAND THIS.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE CAN
BRAG ABOUT HOW CUTE THEY ARE.
WELL... GOD WENT A LITTLE
HEAVY WITH THE UGLY SHAKER.
OH, ANDY.
HMM. IT NEEDS MORE
MAYONNAISE. OKAY.
(gasps) CHERYL, YOU JUST PUT
DISH SOAP IN THE POTATO SALAD.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SO WORRIED THAT JIM'S
GONNA OFFEND SOMEBODY,
I CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING
ELSE. OKAY, HERE'S A THOUGHT,
HAVE A NEIGHBORHOOD BARBECUE
AND DON'T INVITE HIM.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE JIM HAS
NO NATURAL POLITENESS FILTER.
SO I'M ALWAYS HAVING
TO PULL PEOPLE
OUT OF CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM
BEFORE HE UPSETS 'EM.
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
WELL... (clears throat)
TODAY, I HAVE A PLAN.
I'M GONNA RUN IN AND SAY,
"I HEARD A FUNNY STORY."
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
ANY FUNNY STORIES.
I DIDN'T SAY
IT WAS A GOOD PLAN.
HELLO, JIM.
OH, HELLO, FAY.
SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON,
AS USUAL.
MM-HMM.
BOB WAS SO SORRY
HE COULDN'T BE HERE.
YEAH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
YEAH.
BOB'S YOUR HUSBAND, RIGHT?
(laughs)
HERE'S YOUR HOT DOG
AND OFF YOU GO.
(laughs)
YOU KNOW, BOB AND I
ARE SO FOND
OF YOU AND CHERYL.
THE FOUR OF US
HAVE JUST GOT TO GET
TOGETHER FOR DINNER.
(inhales)
LOOK, FAY, I GOTTA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
EVERY YEAR AT THE BARBECUE,
YOU ASK US TO DINNER,
AND EVERY YEAR, YOU NEVER
FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT.
WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE DINNER
TOGETHER. REALLY, IT'S OKAY.
I LIKE THE RELATIONSHIP
THE WAY IT IS.
WE SEE EACH OTHER ONCE A YEAR
HERE AT THE BARBECUE,
BECAUSE, REALLY,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU EAT,
YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME EAT,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYBODY EAT.
CHERYL.
HUH?
JIM IS TALKING
TO FAY MORGAN.
WHAT?
NO!
RUN, CHERYL, RUN!
I HEARD A FUNNY STORY!
(squeaks)
(sobs)
AND OFF YOU GO.
WELL, ANOTHER YEAR,
ANOTHER RUINED BARBECUE.
WHAT... COME ON, COME ON,
FAY'S NOT THAT UPSET.
REALLY?
(crying)
OKAY, OKAY.
OKAY, SHE'S UPSET.
SHUT THE DOOR, PLEASE.
SHUT THE DOOR.
WHAT DID YOU SAY
TO HER?
NOTHING.
I JUST TOLD HER THE TRUTH.
THE TRUTH?!
YES.
JIM, IT'S A BARBECUE.
IT'S HOT DOG, POTATO SALAD,
AND POLITE LIES.
CHERYL, YOU KNOW
I'M ALL ABOUT THE TRUTH.
WH... YOU LIE TO ME
TWICE A DAY.
BUT YOU ONLY CATCH ME
TWICE A DAY,
I'M... I'M IN DOUBLE DIGITS.
COME ON, YOU KNOW FAY.
SHE'S ALWAYS INVITING US
OUT TO DINNER.
EVERY YEAR,
SHE INVITES US TO DINNER,
AND SHE DOESN'T MEAN IT.
I JUST CALLED HER ON IT,
THAT'S ALL.
SO THEY INVITED US
OUT TO DINNER.
YOU NOD,
SMILE AND MOVE ON.
NO, CHERYL.
SHE'S BEING DISRESPECTFUL.
I DON'T SEE WHY I HAVE TO BE
A BIG PHONY ABOUT IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PHONY,
JUST DON'T BE MEAN.
I WASN'T MEAN.
I WAS JUST BEING HONEST.
OKAY, JIM, YOU CAN BE HONEST
AND KIND AT THE SAME TIME.
I DON'T THINK SO, CHERYL.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO BE
BRUTALLY HONEST WITH PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
THEY GET IT.
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU GOTTA
SUCK IT UP AND BE POLITE
FOR 20 MINUTES.
IT'S CALLED
"TAKING THE HIGH ROAD."
I HATE THE HIGH ROAD.
OH.
I LOVE THAT LOW ROAD.
IT'S NOISY DOWN THERE.
IT'S HONEST.
PEOPLE ARE BEEPING HORNS,
CUSSING AT EACH OTHER.
I LOVE IT DOWN THERE!
IT SMELLS OF CONFRONTATION
AND ARGUING.
(inhales)
I CAN SMELL IT
RIGHT NOW.
THE TRAFFIC IS STOPPED
AND PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING.
I SEE RED LIGHTS,
BRAKE LIGHTS,
PEOPLE JUST GIVING
EACH OTHER THE FINGER.
OHH!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL
DOWN THERE, BABY.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S ONLY ONE WAY THERE,
MY WAY.
THAT IS GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT, HONEY.
HEY, LET'S CHECK THE TRAFFIC
ON THE LOW ROAD.
(sobbing)
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SHUT THE DOOR. I GET IT.
I GET IT. DON'T DO THAT.
(sighs)
I GET IT, CHERYL.
I GET IT.
SERIOUSLY, I-I DO.
I FEEL BAD.
I DIDN'T WANT
TO HURT THE GIRL. I...
OKAY, HONEY, I BELIEVE YOU.
NOW FIX IT.
"FIX IT"?
YES.
HOW?
WELL, HOW?
HONEY, JUST SHOW
SOME COMPASSION.
COMPASSION?
YES, COMPASSION.
YOU KNOW, ON THE LOW ROAD,
THEY GIVE TICKETS OUT
FOR COMPASSION.
OH, HONEY.
(mouths words)
(sighs)
(sobs)
CRYING, HUH?
WELL...
NO... (whispers)
GO BACK THERE.
HEY, FAY.
(sobs)
FAY, LISTEN...
YOU KNOW, ALL...
ALL I WAS TRYING TO SAY
WAS THAT, YOU KNOW,
EVERY YEAR, YOU COME
TO THE BARBECUE,
YOU INVITE US TO DINNER,
AND YOU NEVER FOLLOW
THROUGH WITH IT. B-BUT...
IT'S OKAY THAT YOU DON'T
FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
OUR RELATIONSHIP
THE WAY IT IS IS FINE.
WE DON'T NEED TO BE FRIENDS.
(sobs)
(Cheryl) JIM. JIM.
WHAT...
JIM, HONEY, COME HERE.
COME HERE.
(sobbing)
OKAY, HONEY,
YOU'RE SAYING THE SAME THING
THAT MADE HER CRY.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING IT
IN A SOFTER VOICE.
I'M BEING COMPASSIONATE.
I'M BEING KIND.
NO, NO.
YOU'RE BEING QUIET.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO?
GO CHARM HER.
"CHARM HER"?
YES.
I'M GONNA NEED
A BEER FOR THAT.
GO, GO.
COME ON, FAY.
OH! OH!
COME ON.
DON'T BE MAD AT ME, FAY.
OH! OH!
COME ON. I DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, FAY.
REALLY, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T
MEAN TO HURT YOU, REALLY.
YOU KNOW,
CHERYL AND I REALLY,
YOU KNOW, WE... WE WANT
TO HAVE DINNER
WITH YOU AND BOB.
OH.
YES, NOW...
OFF YOU GO.
HOW'S...
HOW'S THIS SATURDAY?
"THIS SATURDAY," WHAT?
THE FOUR OF US, DINNER.
THIS SATURDAY?
WELL, FAY,
THAT'S A LITTLE SOON,
DON'T YOU THINK?
I MEAN, DO WE HAVE TO PUT
A DATE ON IT, REALLY?
YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE
DINNER. I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT. NO,
NO, FAY. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
JIM'S NOT SAYING THAT.
JUST... HE DOESN'T WANT
TO PUT YOU OUT. YEAH.
THAT'S WHY WE'LL HAVE
DINNER HERE. WHAT?
YES. SATURDAY NIGHT,
THE FOUR OF US.
OH, BOB WILL BE THRILLED.
OH!
OH.
UH, CAN I HAVE
THAT BEER NOW?
NOW FAY AND BOB
ARE GONNA COME OVER
TO DINNER.
AND I KNOW I'M GONNA
MAKE FAY CRY. I JUST KNOW IT.
OH.
OH, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I'M THE BEACON OF TRUTH
IN A WORLD FULL OF LIES.
HEY, IT'S JUST
WHO YOU ARE, JIM.
YOU DON'T DO SMALL TALK.
YOU'RE A TRUTH COP.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DO SMALL TALK.
HEY, ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT?
OH, A FEW POUNDS.
BINGO. THAT, MY FRIEND,
IS SMALL TALK.
THAT WAS TOTALLY INSINCERE.
OH, YEAH.
YOU LOOK LIKE CRAP.
CAN YOU TEACH ME
SOME OF THOSE LITTLE HOOKS,
THOSE LITTLE PHRASES?
SURE, SURE.
YOU JUST NEED A FEW OF 'EM
TO STEER CLEAR
OF ANY PROBLEM AREAS. WELL,
GIVE ME ONE. GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE.
OKAY, FIRST,
WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY SAY
WHEN YOU INTERACT
WITH PEOPLE?
UH, NOTHING.
I KINDA WAIT TILL
THEY'RE DONE TALKING
SO I CAN TELL 'EM
WHAT IDIOTS THEY ARE.
(laughs) YOU'RE
A FUNNY GUY, JIM.
WELL, I LIKE
TO THINK SO.
BINGO. GOT YOU AGAIN.
YOU'RE GOOD.
YOU'RE GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA
WRITE SOME OF THESE DOWN.
YOU THINK I CAN BE READY
FOR THE PARTY? OH, SURE.
SMART, GOOD-LOOKIN' GUY
LIKE YOU
CAN DO ANYTHING IF HE PUTS HIS
MIND TO IT. WELL, THANK YOU, ANDY.
BINGO.
THIS IS GOLD.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ANDY? I AM SO
GLAD YOU'RE HERE. OH, THANK YOU.
BINGO.
OH!
AHH!
YO. SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
(whispers)
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I'M WATCHING MY DREAMS
COME TRUE.
(normal voice)
JIM'S MOVING OUT?
ANDY IS TEACHING JIM
HOW TO BE POLITE.
YOU'RE KIDDING. IS
IT WORKING? NO. YES!
LOOK.
(Jim chuckles)
THIS IS A DELIGHTFUL PARTY.
(chuckles)
LET'S DO IT AGAIN,
PERHAPS AT MY HOUSE.
YES!
SERIOUSLY, HOW IS ANDY
DOING THAT?
DOES HE HAVE A CAR BATTERY
HOOKED UP TO JIM'S NADS?
OH, BOB, FAY...
HI.
I AM SO GLAD
YOU COULD MAKE IT.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
LOOK AT THAT HAT
HE'S WEARING.
THAT IS RIDICULOUS!
AND I'M GONNA TELL HIM.
NO, NO. EASY.
NO, NO, NO.
LOOK AT HOW STUPID
THAT HAT IS.
NOBODY SHOULD BE WEARING
A HAT LIKE THAT.
HE'S GOT TO KNOW THAT.
OKAY, DAMN IT, JIM,
THIS IS WHAT WE TRAINED FOR.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
THROW THOSE 45 MINUTES AWAY?
BOB, FAY, I THINK
YOU KNOW MY BROTHER ANDY.
AH, YES, I MET FAY
AT THE BARBECUE.
WE FOUGHT OVER
THE LAST PIECE OF CAKE.
(laughs)
IT WAS DELICIOUS,
BY THE WAY.
OH. WELL, UH, DINNER'S
GONNA BE READY VERY SOON.
BUT WE HAVE
ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR
TO SIT AND CHAT,
SO PLEASE SIT DOWN.
MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE.
HALF AN HOUR TO CHAT?
(chuckles)
COME ON, CHERYL. WHY DID WE BUY
THAT MICROWAVE OVEN?
HEY, BOB...
DID YOU LOSE SOME WEIGHT?
ACTUALLY, YEAH.
I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL
WITH A BAD CASE OF COLITIS.
WOW. WELL, WHATEVER
YOU'RE DOIN', KEEP IT UP.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
BINGO?
KEEP SWINGIN',
YOU'LL HIT ONE.
WELL, I AM JUST SO GLAD
WE'RE FINALLY DOING THIS.
WE ARE GLAD, TOO.
WE JUST LOVE YOU GUYS.
OH, WE LOVE YOU, TOO.
RIGHT, JIM?
UH, YES.
I LOVE YOU, FAY.
I LOVE YOU, BOB.
THANKS. IN FACT, FAY AND I
WERE JUST SAYING
HOW MUCH WE'D LIKE
TO HAVE YOU BOTH UP
TO OUR LAKE HOUSE
FOR A WEEKEND. YEAH.
YOUR LAKE HOUSE? WOW.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, JIM?
FAY AND BOB WOULD LIKE TO
HAVE US TO THEIR LAKE HOUSE.
WHAT A WONDERFUL...
DELIGHTFUL INVITATION.
(Jim) I... WE...
WOULD...
LOVE...
TO JOIN YOU.
YES!
WELL, I'M GONNA GO
CHECK ON DINNER.
AND I JUST KNOW
WHEN I COME BACK,
WE'LL STILL BE INVITED
TO THAT LAKE HOUSE.
WON'T WE, HONEY?
(chuckles)
YOU'RE SO FUNNY, CHERYL.
YEAH. YOU KNOW
I'M NOT JOKING.
(groans)
YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR,
AREN'T YOU, JIM?
YES, BOB, I, UH,
I AM A CONTRACTOR.
DO YOU LIKE
CONTRACTOR JOKES?
YOU MEAN THE KIND
THAT PAINTS GUYS LIKE ME
IN A HORRIBLE LIGHT?
LOVE 'EM!
(Bob chuckles)
AND GOD SAYS,
"I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT,
BUT WE DON'T HAVE
ANY CONTRACTORS UP HERE."
(Fay and Bob laughing)
GET IT?
THEY'RE UNSCRUPULOUS,
AND THEREFORE, THEY'RE
ALL IN HELL. I GET IT.
(Bob, Fay and Andy laugh)
I GET IT.
HEY, JIM,
BOB'S A FUNNY GUY.
AND YOU LOVE HIM,
DON'T YOU?
I LOVE YOU, BOB.
I LOVE YOU, FAY.
JIM...
JIM, I JUST...
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
HOW SORRY I AM
FOR CRYING THE OTHER DAY.
WHAT, YOU FEEL BAD? WHY WOULD
YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT CRYING?
WELL, LATELY EVERY
LITTLE THING MAKES ME CRY.
HER CAT PASSED AWAY, AND IT...
IT'S REALLY HIT HER HARD.
YOU MEAN...
IT WASN'T MY FAULT
THAT YOU WERE CRYING?
YOU WERE CRYING
BECAUSE YOUR CAT DIED?
WELL... YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT!
OH!
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
NOT ABOUT YOUR CAT.
THAT'S A TRAGEDY.
(Andy) OH, YEAH.
POOR THING...
CUT DOWN IN HER PRIME
BY SOME RECKLESS DRIVER.
WE NEVER SAID
SHE WAS HIT BY A CAR.
OH.
THEN I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
AND OFF I GO.
DIDN'T CHERYL TELL YOU?
I CAME OVER THE OTHER DAY
TO APOLOGIZE.
YOU DID?
YEAH.
I BROUGHT A PIE.
THERE WAS PIE INVOLVED?
CHERYL!
CHERYL.
CHERYL KNEW
IT WASN'T MY FAULT,
AND SHE KEPT IT FROM ME,
ALONG WITH THE PIE.
WHAT KIND OF PIE
WAS IT?
APPLE.
AMERICA'S PIE?
WELL, I BROUGHT IT OVER
TO THANK YOU
FOR BEING HONEST WITH ME.
WHY WOULD YOU THANK ME
FOR BEING HONEST?
WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT.
I HAVE THIS PROBLEM WITH
MAKING INSINCERE INVITATIONS.
NO, NO, NO, FAY,
WE BOTH DO.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S CARED ENOUGH
TO CALL US ON IT.
YOU'RE LIKE... YOU'RE LIKE
A BEACON OF TRUTH.
SO I WAS RIGHT
FROM THE BEGINNING.
FROM THE BEGINNING,
I WAS RIGHT.
(chuckling evilly)
WELL, MY DEAR FRIENDS,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
FOR A RIDE ON THE LOW ROAD?
(all laughing)
OH, THIS WAS
JUST MARVELOUS, CHERYL.
SO TELL US
ABOUT THAT LAKE HOUSE.
OH, IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL...
AND SO ROMANTIC.
DO YOU TWO
LIKE HOT TUBBING?
WELL...
DO WE!
WELL, WE HAVE ONE
THAT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR FOUR.
BARELY.
WE'LL BE DANCING
CHEEK TO CHEEK.
UH... WHAT ELSE
IS THERE TO DO UP THERE?
IS THERE HIKING OR...
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
THERE'S A LOVELY HIKE
UP TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
WE LOAD UP ON WINE,
AND THEN BACK TO THE HOT TUB.
WHERE BATHING SUITS
ARE OPTIONAL.
HEY, THEY'RE NOT OPTIONAL.
THEY'RE FORBIDDEN.
(Fay laughs)
NO BATHING SUITS?
WELL, THAT SAVES TIME
AND PACKING.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA.
YEAH, AND WHEN
WE HAVE TUBBY TIME,
I CALL THE SEAT
NEXT TO YOU.
BOB, YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY.
(Jim laughs)
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN
HIS BEST FEATURE.
YOU'LL SEE.
UH, JIM, HONEY...
YEAH.
I COULD REALLY USE
YOUR HELP WITH THE DESSERT.
OH, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I HOPE YOU LIKE PUDDING.
(Cheryl) IT'S FLAN!
HEY... I REALLY LIKE
THIS BOB AND FAY.
JIM, THIS LAKE HOUSE THING
IS FREAKING ME OUT.
I AM NOT WALKING NUDE
THROUGH THE WOODS
TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
STAY IN THE HOT TUB WITH BOB,
AND I'LL DO THE BEER RUN
WITH FAY?
OKAY, YOU WATCH
ENOUGH CABLE TV
TO KNOW THAT THESE PEOPLE
ARE SWINGERS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
YES.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
SERVE 'EM DESSERT,
I GUESS.
WHAT?
WELL, IT WOULD BE RUDE
NOT TO AT THIS POINT.
I-I WANT YOU
TO THROW THEM OUT.
WHAT, THROW THEM OUT?
CHERYL, COME ON,
THAT'S NOT KIND.
WHO SAID YOU NEED
TO BE KIND?
YOU SAID
YOU GOT TO BE KIND.
YOU TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD
BE ABLE TO SUCK IT UP
FOR 20 MINUTES
AND BE POLITE AT ANY PARTY.
WELL, THIS IS A PARTY
AND I'M BEING POLITE.
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DID SAY THAT.
I GUESS I FORGOT TO MENTION
THAT IT DOESN'T COUNT
IF THEY'RE TRYING
TO GET IN OUR PANTS!
CHERYL, I AM NOT
GONNA MAKE FAY CRY AGAIN.
OH, HONEY, YEAH,
MAKE FAY CRY.
NO, CHERYL.
MAKE FAY CRY.
CHERYL... GO MAKE
FAY CRY. MAKE HER CRY.
CHERYL, STOP IT.
STOP IT. MAKE HER CRY.
TAKE THE HIGH ROAD,
DAMN IT.
SO, UH...
HAVE YOU TWO
LOST WEIGHT?
JIM!
THESE FREAKS ARE NAKED
IN OUR LIVING ROOM,
WHERE OUR CHILDREN
WATCH CARTOONS.
(whispers) CHERYL,
THEY CAN HEAR YOU.
YES, JIM, THEY CAN HEAR ME.
I WANT THEM TO HEAR ME.
AND I WANT THEM
TO GET OUT! CHERYL...
WE DON'T CARE ABOUT
YOUR STUPID LAKE HOUSE.
WE DON'T CARE ABOUT
YOUR STUPID HOT TUB.
GET YOUR FOUNDATION GARMENTS
AND YOUR MAN BOOBS
AND GET OUT!
GO! GO! GO!
LET'S DO THIS AGAIN
SOMETIME.
"LET'S DO THIS AGAIN"?
YES.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
WELL, I DON'T WANT FAY
TO GET UPSET.
SHE'S BEEN REALLY BOTHERED
SINCE HER CAT DIED.
OH, HER CAT DIED
A WEEK AGO.
I KNOW, BUT I DIDN'T
KNOW THAT YET
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
THOSE DISHES
ARE NOT GONNA WASH THEMSELVES.
FREEZE, BLONDIE.
YOU SET ME UP!
NO, NO, YOU SET ME UP!
HOW LONG WERE YOU GONNA
LET ME HANG OUT THERE TO DRY?
AS LONG AS IT TAKES, JIM.
JIM, I WANT
TO HAVE BARBECUES.
I WANT TO HAVE
CHRISTMAS PARTIES.
I WANT PROGRESSIVE DINNERS!
I WANT APPLE PIE!
I WANT MY PANTS!
HEY...
WERE YOU GUYS IN ON THIS?
(Fay) YES. GOTCHA!
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT
"MAN BOOBS" THING, BOB.
OH, NO, NO.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
A FEW PUSH-UPS
WOULDN'T KILL ME.
HEY, BOB, CAN YOU
HOLD ON A SECOND?
BECAUSE MY WIFE HERE
IS TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO ME
WHY SHE LIED TO ME.
BECAUSE I WANTED
POLITE JIM.
I LOVE POLITE JIM.
I CAN TAKE POLITE JIM
TO PARTIES.
CHERYL, BUT YOU WANTED
HONEST JIM
TO THROW THESE PEOPLE OUT
OF OUR HOUSE TONIGHT.
WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY
I DON'T GET TO PICK
WHICH JIM I WANT.
PICK WHICH JIM YOU WANT?
YES.
HONEY, I'M NOT A SWEATER.
CHERYL, YOU JUST
HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT
THAT I'M AN HONEST GUY.
AND I MAY RUB PEOPLE
THE WRONG WAY ONCE IN AWHILE.
AND FOR THE RECORD,
YOU KNOW WHAT?
BOB AND FAY WERE ACTUALLY...
THEY WERE HAPPY THAT
I WAS TRUTHFUL WITH THEM.
RIGHT, BOB, FAY?
OH, COME ON.
(Fay) YES. HE SAID EXACTLY
WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR.
HE CHANGED OUR LIVES.
I CHANGED THEIR LIVES.
HMM?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I SURRENDER, I SURRENDER.
YOU CAN CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS
FROM NOW ON.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, GUYS, THAT WAS GREAT.
OH, WHAT GREAT SPORTS YOU
ARE. THAT WAS LOTS OF FUN.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, CHERYL,
WE'RE NOT SWINGERS.
BUT WE ARE NUDISTS.
AND OFF YOU GO.