According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 16 - Get Your Freak On - full transcript

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ALL RIGHT, KIDS,
COME ON.

YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

THANK YOU, SWEETIE.
HERE'S YOURS.

I'M TOO SICK
TO GO TO SCHOOL.

REALLY?

OH, IF YOU'RE THAT SICK,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAY HOME.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
COME ON, OVER HERE.

LET'S GO.

NOT BUYING THAT. COME ON.
WHAT'S YOUR SYMPTOMS?

MY STOMACH HURTS.

(imitates child's voice)
OH, YOUR STOMACH HURTS.



(normal voice)
COME ON, NOW.

LISTEN,
I DIDN'T BUY YOU

AS THAT MUSHROOM
IN THAT SCHOOL PLAY,

AND I'M NOT BUYING
THAT YOU'RE SICK RIGHT NOW.

BUT I AM. I REALLY AM.

OOH, IF YOU WOULD HAVE
PUT A LITTLE COUGH

AT THE END OF THAT,
YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD ME.

COME ON, LET'S GO.
TO SCHOOL, NOW.

(Gracie vomits)

CHERYL, SHE'S REALLY
SELLING IT.

♪♪♪

YOU KNOW, CHERYL,
I FOUGHT IT TOOTH AND NAIL,

BUT THIS DINNER PARTY
TURNED OUT TO BE...

NOT TOO SUCKY.



I KNOW.

YOUR PANTS ARE ON,
NONE OF OUR GUESTS ARE IN TEARS.

YOU KNOW, IT IS
MY BEST PARTY EVER.

LOOK, I DIDN'T EVEN
HATE DANA THAT MUCH.

AWW...
JIM, THAT'S SWEET.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T HATE YOU
THAT MUCH, EITHER,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT
TO SAY ANYTHING.

AND HOW ABOUT ANDY'S
NEW GIRLFRIEND HERE?

I MEAN, THE REASON
I BRING IT UP

IS BECAUSE ANDY HAD
DATED SOME REAL LOSERS. OH.

OH, COME ON, REMEMBER THAT
CRAZY CHICK FROM THE D.M.V.?

WHOO-WHOO!

I AM THAT CRAZY CHICK
FROM THE D.M.V.

I KNOW.

I'M JUST SAYING
I REMEMBER YOU.

IT'S OKAY, JIM.

BERNICE LOOKS DIFFERENT.

SHE, UM...
BOUGHT A NEW PURSE.

PLUS SHE'S GETTING
A NIGHTLY DOSE OF VITAMIN ANDY.

WHY TO ME?

I'M OVER HERE
MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS,

THINKING ABOUT DESSERT.

NOW I'M SEEING
YOUR SEX FACE.

OKAY, WHO WANTS DESSERT?

OH, I DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LET US HELP.

OH...
COME ON, LET US HELP YOU.

JIM, HONEY,

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA HELP.

DID YOU, CHERYL?

DID YOU REALLY?

OH.

SO, BERNICE,

ARE YOU AND ANDY
GETTING SERIOUS?

WE'VE BEEN GOING
OUT A MONTH. RIGHT.

WE REALLY DON'T GO OUT.
WE MOSTLY STAY IN.

YOU GOT IT?

OH, I GOT IT.
NOW WHERE DO I RETURN IT?

I'M HAVING A GIRLS' NIGHT
ON THURSDAY. WANNA COME?

COULD GET CRAZY.

GALS FROM THE D.M.V.,
SOME COSMOS, CHEESE.

WOW, BOOZE, CHEESE
AND NO ONE CALLING ME MOMMY?

I'M THERE.

SO, ANDY, HOW DID YOU
AND BERNICE GET BACK TOGETHER?

WELL, IT WAS
A NORMAL SATURDAY NIGHT.

I WAS DRIVING BY
OLD GIRLFRIENDS' HOUSES.

SAW BERNICE THROUGH HER WINDOW,
CRYING AND EATING PIE.

WERE YOU EATING PIE
AND CRYING, TOO?

I SAID IT WAS
A SATURDAY NIGHT.

YEAH.

HEY, GUYS,
IT IS FANTASTIC.

I MEAN, USUALLY I START OUT
BEING FRIENDS AND BUILD TO SEX,

BUT WITH BERNICE,
IT'S JUST SEX.

WITH ANY LUCK,
WE'LL NEVER BE FRIENDS.

OH, THERE SHE IS.

HOW'S MY ANGEL?

HONEY, BERNICE INVITED US OVER
FOR A GIRLS' NIGHT ON THURSDAY.

OH, WHAT A GREAT IDEA.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNOW.

MAYBE I'LL HAVE
A BOYS' NIGHT THURSDAY.

YEAH, AND WE'LL HAVE
SOME POKER, BEER,

SOME LIGHT NUDITY, CHEESE.

HONEY,
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

WELL, I THOUGHT
YOU'D TAKE THEM WITH YOU

ON GIRLS' NIGHT.

DID YOU, JIM?

DID YOU REALLY?

THIS IS A REALLY
FUN PARTY, BERNICE.

YES, IT IS.

I'M BLOWING THE ROOF OFF
THIS SUCKA.

IS EVERYONE ENJOYING
MY HOMEMADE CHEESE?

OH, HOMEMADE.

THAT EXPLAINS IT.

ALL RIGHT,
NOW THE REAL FUN BEGINS.

WHO'S READY TO SHOP?

OH.
OH, GREAT.

ACTUALLY, I COULD USE A
NEW PAIR OF SLIPPERS. YEAH.

DANA.

YEAH?

IS YOUR CATALOG
ALL SEX STUFF?

I DON'T THINK SO.

THIS THING LOOKS LIKE
A LEMON ZESTER.

OH... YEAH.
NO, IT'S ALL SEX STUFF.

AS MY REGULARS KNOW,

I MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY
SELLING EXOTIC ADULT NOVELTIES.

THE D.M.V.
DOESN'T PAY VERY WELL.

BUT THE MAILING LIST
I GOT FROM THEIR COMPUTERS

HELPED MOVE SOME MERCH.

GOD, WOULD YOU LOOK AT
ALL THIS SEX STUFF?

YEAH, IT'S AMAZING
THOSE GIRLS FROM THE D.M.V.

AREN'T IN BETTER MOODS.

YEAH, REALLY.

EVERYTHING'S ON DISPLAY
IN MY BEDROOM,

SO GO IN AND GET WILD.

THERE'S ALSO
AN IRREGULAR TABLE

IF ANYONE'S LOOKING FOR
A DISCOUNT,

AND A BIG AND TALL TABLE.

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T NEED
ANY OF THIS STUFF.

YOU KNOW, JIM AND I ACTUALLY
HAVE A FANTASTIC SEX LIFE.

JUST LAST NIGHT, WE...

WELL, HELLO.
HMM.

I DON'T KNOW, I THINK RYAN AND I
COULD USE SOMETHING

TO SPICE THINGS UP.

THINGS HAVE GOTTEN
A LITTLE MONOTONOUS

SINCE WE STARTED TRYING
TO HAVE A BABY.

CHECK OUT PAGE 12.

I'M GOING IN.

OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE OLD MAID.

MAYBE I DO,
MAYBE I DON'T.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

YOU'RE HAVING POKER NIGHT,

SO WE'RE HAVING
OLD MAID POKER NIGHT.

AND EVERY FIVE SECONDS,
KYLE GOES ALL IN.

I'M ALL IN!

OH, JEEZ, LOOK AT THESE.

DADDY, WE'RE USING THOSE.

YEAH, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
CHOP UP SOME CUCUMBERS?

THERE'S NO CHANCE
I'M GONNA WANT THOSE.

KNIVES ARE IN THE DRAWER.

OH, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, LADIES.

A PAIR OF 5s?
SERIOUSLY, COME ON.

HOW CAN YOU
PLAY THOSE CARDS?

WHAT CAN I SAY?
MY MIND'S ON OTHER THINGS.

HEY, DOC, I'M LAYING MORE PIPE
THAN STANDARD OIL.

AGAIN, WHY TO ME?

I'M TELLING YOU,
THERE'S ENOUGH PIPE THERE

TO GO TO SAUDI ARABIA
AND BACK.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WITH ANY LUCK, WE'LL NEVER
HAVE TO TAP INTO ALASKA.

COME ON, I LIKED IT BETTER
WHEN YOU WERE PAYING FOR IT.

COME ON...

YOU ENJOY THE SEX WHILE IT
LASTS, ANDY, BECAUSE IT WON'T.

NO, NO, NO.
HE'S RIGHT, HE'S RIGHT.

YEAH, WITH MY EX,
THE SEX WENT OUT THE WINDOW

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
"I" AND "DO."

OH, PLEASE.
NO, IT'S TRUE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT?
DANA AND I USED TO BE WILD.

BUT NOW WE'RE TRYING
TO HAVE A BABY.

THAT'S WHEN IT
BECOMES A JOB.

YEAH, AND THEN AFTERWARDS,
SHE HAS HER LEGS UP

AND LIES MOTIONLESS
FOR 20 MINUTES.

I'D KILL FOR MY WIFE
TO LIE MOTIONLESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, ANDY?
DON'T LISTEN TO THESE GUYS.

CHERYL AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR 15 YEARS.

OUR SEX IS AS HOT NOW AS IT WAS
THE FIRST TIME WE DID IT.

AND I'M TELLING YOU,

WE DID IT,
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT, DOC?

DO I HAVE
"TELL ME ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE"

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

JIM, I DON'T BUY IT. I DON'T
BUY IT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

NO, NO, NO, MAN.
PASSION DOESN'T LAST THAT LONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IN OUR RELATIONSHIP,
NOT ONLY DOES IT LAST,

IT GETS BETTER.
REALLY?

OH, WE KNOW ALL THE MOVES.
YOU KNOW, LIGHTS ON, LIGHTS OFF.

IN THE BED,
ON THIS POKER TABLE.

(all) OH!

I'M TELLING YOU,
SHE KNOWS WHAT I LIKE,

I KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES,

AND THERE'S ALWAYS
A SANDWICH AFTERWARDS.

NOW A SANDWICH... THAT
MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

NO, GUYS, I GOT IT MADE.

HONEST TO GOD,
I MEAN, NO COMPLAINTS,

NO SURPRISES.

WHOO!

MAMA'S GOING SHOPPING!

(all) WHOO!

(giggling)

(both giggling)

ALL RIGHT,
I KNOW THAT LOOK.

THAT'S THE NOOKIE LOOK.

(both giggling)

YEAH, YOU GUYS GOT SOME
LAST NIGHT, DIDN'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?

OH, WELL, MILADY GOT SOME
NEW EQUIPMENT FROM THAILAND.

KIND OF EXCEEDED
THE WEIGHT LIMIT,

BUT THE PAIN
WAS WORTH THE MAGIC.

SO, JIM, JIM, JIM.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT
AFTER CHERYL GOT HOME?

NOTHING. I WAS ASLEEP.

SHE DIDN'T BRING ANYTHING HOME
FROM THE SEX TOY PARTY?

SEX TOY PARTY?

(Andy and Ryan giggle)

THESE "GIRL NIGHT" PARTIES,

THEY'RE JUST AN EXCUSE
FOR BERNICE TO SELL SEX STUFF.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT BEFORE
'CAUSE WE DON'T TALK.

AND YOU GUYS
GOT SOME TREATS?

(both giggling) MAYBE
SHE... YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE SHE BOUGHT SOMETHING,
BUT DECIDED NOT TO WAKE ME UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOULDN'T
HAVE HAD THAT EIGHTH BEER.

IT ALWAYS KNOCKS ME OUT.

NO, NO, NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?

I BET SHE'S GONNA
SURPRISE YOU TONIGHT. HEY.

YEAH. YEAH, YEAH,
THAT'S IT, OF COURSE.

CHERYL'S GONNA
SURPRISE ME TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I BETTER PREPARE FOR THAT.

I BETTER TAKE A NAP
OR SOMETHING, MAYBE TWO NAPS.

TRUST ME,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.

OH... HELL, YEAH.

I THINK I BROKE A RIB
AND PUNCTURED A LUNG,

AND I'M LOVING IT!

GEE, I WONDER
WHAT KIND OF TOYS

SHE'S GONNA
WHIP OUT TONIGHT FOR ME.

WORD OF WARNING.
YEAH?

IF SHE PULLS OUT THIS
LITTLE THING THAT LOOKS LIKE

A FRIENDLY LITTLE BUNNY...

IT'S NOT.

OKAY.

(both giggling)

HEY, HONEY, I'M HOME.

HOLY... MA... MA.

(Southern accent)
ARE YOU THE MAN THAT'S BEEN

DRIVING CATTLE
ACROSS MY LAND?

RECKON I AM.

WELL, WE DON'T COTTON
TO NO FREE GRAZERS AROUND HERE.

GET 'EM OFF.

(Southern accent)
AND IF I DON'T?

THEN I RECKON I'M GONNA
HAVE TO DANCE FOR YOU.

(imitating gunshots)

WHOA! WHOA!

WHOA, SCOUT!
YOU SETTLE, BOY!

SETTLE DOWN THERE, SCOUT!

WHOA! WHOA!

HEY, THERE, LITTLE MISSY.

ME AND SCOUT HERE NEED A PLACE
TO BUNK FOR THE NIGHT.

GOT ANY MONEY, STRANGER?

NO, MA'AM,
BUT I CAN WORK.

FIX WHATEVER'S BROKE
AROUND HERE,

BREAK WHATEVER'S FIXED.

I DON'T EXACTLY
FOLLOW YOU, STRANGER.

MAYBE I SHOULD FOLLOW YOU.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

MAYBE I SHOULD
JUST DANCE FOR YOU.

WHERE'D SHE HIDE IT?
SHE'S GOTTA HAVE IT.

HONEY...

YES?

KIDS ARE ASLEEP.
YES!

YOU AND ME.
YOU AND ME!

(laughs)

YOU COMING ON TO ME IN
A MAYBE NEW AND INTRIGUING WAY?

MAYBE. HOLD ON.

OOH! SOMETHING INTRIGUING
IN THAT DRAWER?

RAGWEED SEASON.

COME ON.

OH, HONEY,
WOULD YOU MIND

GRABBING ME SOME SOCKS
OUT OF THAT DRAWER?

ME FEET ARE COLD.
SOCK DRAWER! OF COURSE.

THE SOCK DRAWER!

I'M GONNA OPEN
THIS SOCK DRAWER,

AND WOULDN'T IT
SURPRISE ME TO FIND...

SOCKS?

YEAH. HONEY, WOULD YOU GRAB ME
MY OLD RED WOOLIES?

YES, THE RED WOOLIES!
OF COURSE!

OH...

INSIDE THIS RED WOOLIE IS...

A DRYER SHEET?

HONEY, HURRY.
MY TOES ARE FREEZING.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

LET'S KNOCK THIS OUT.

STUPID REGULAR SEX.

YES, THAT PURCHASE WOULD HAVE
BEEN MADE ON THURSDAY NIGHT.

"GARDEN OF EDEN ENTERPRISES...
$119.95."

YEAH, WHAT DID SHE BUY?

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU GUYS

HANDLE IT IN PAKISTAN,
ALL RIGHT?

BUT HERE IN AMERICA,
A HUSBAND HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW

WHAT THEIR WIVES BUY!

OH, RIGHT, YEAH,
YOU'RE IN DELAWARE. SURE.

HEY, I GOT THE CATALOG.
GIVE ME THAT!

BERNICE WOULDN'T TELL ME
WHAT CHERYL BOUGHT.

SHE'S GOT SOME STUPID RULE
ABOUT PRIVACY.

PRIVACY? SHE HAS SEX WITH YOU
IN THE PARK.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT...
THE HEARING'S NEXT WEEK.

I MIGHT MISS WORK.

JIM, WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST ASK CHERYL

WHAT SHE BOUGHT
LAST NIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW. I THOUGHT
SHE WAS GONNA SURPRISE ME.

BY THE TIME I REALIZED
SHE WASN'T,

GENERAL SHERMAN HAD ALREADY
BURNED THROUGH THE SOUTH.

HELLO!

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

I THOUGHT YOUR SEX LIFE
WAS GREAT.

I THOUGHT SO, TOO!

BUT CHERYL'S BUYING THESE TOYS
AND NOT SHARING THEM WITH ME.

THAT'S NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE
FOR THE KIDS.

OH, BOY,
YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?

I BLAME MYSELF FOR THIS.
I REALLY DO.

I MEAN, ONCE BERNICE
SHOWED CHERYL

WHAT COMPLETE SEXUAL
SATISFACTION'S ALL ABOUT...

WELL, HOW DO YOU
GO BACK TO HAMBURGER

ONCE YOU'VE
HEARD ABOUT STEAK?

I AM STEAK!

REALLY?

THEN WHY IS CHERYL SPENDING
$119.95 ON SIDE DISHES?

(buzzing sound)

CHERYL, WHAT THE HELL?

DON'T I GET TO PLAY?

PLAY WHAT?

UH... DENTIST?

OKAY.

(buzzing stops)
SPIT!

OKAY.

THIS IS FUN.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
I HAVE THIS CAVITY.

WAIT A MINUTE, I'M THE DENTIST,
SO YOU'D HAVE THE CAVITY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET ME START OVER.

LET ME COME BACK IN.
OKAY, JIM, HONEY, HONEY...

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S GOING ON!

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S GOING ON!

I KNOW YOU WENT
TO THAT SEX TOY PARTY,

AND YOU BOUGHT SOMETHING!

OH.
YEAH.

CHERYL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
I'M YOUR HUSBAND.

I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW.
THIS IS NOT PAKISTINE!

WHAT?

WELL, DID YOU NEED THAT?
I MEAN, DID YOU NEED SOMETHING?

I MEAN, AM I NOT ENOUGH?

OH, HONEY, NO, NO.

I DIDN'T BUY IT FOR ME.

I-I BOUGHT IT FOR US.

OH.

OH.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WHERE IS THIS THING?

I MEAN, THE KIDS
ARE AT KARATE CLASS.

I'M SURE ANDY LEFT.
LET'S BREAK THIS BAD BOY OUT!

OH, HONEY, ARE YOU
SURE? IT'S KIND OF... WHAT?

SCARY.

SCARY?
YEAH, IT'S SCARY.

COME ON, YOU GOT A BIG,
STRONG MAN RIGHT HERE. OH.

IT'S NOT SHAPED
LIKE A SPIDER, IS IT?

NO.

OKAY.

LET'S BREAK IT OUT.

(sighs) UNDER THE BED,
OF COURSE.

VERY CLEVER.

YOU'RE NOT A SNIPER,
ARE YOU?

OH, JEEZ...

WHAT THE...

I THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE,
A RABBIT OR A BUNNY.

IT'S A...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.
THE INSTRUCTIONS ARE IN GERMAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT IT DOES!

WELL, IF IT'S IN GERMAN,

IT PROBABLY DRINKS BEER
AND WANTS TO CONQUER EUROPE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SHOULD WE TRY TO TURN IT ON?

OKAY.

(both scream)

WHOO! LOOK AT THAT!

MY LORD!

WHAT...

WHY IS THAT PART SPINNING?

OH. OH!

I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE SEEN
THAT OTHER END THERE

ON A SHOE BUFFER.

OKAY, HONEY, TURN IT OFF.

NO, YOU TURN IT OFF.

ARE YOU SCARED?

OF THAT?
YEAH.

YEAH.

GO AHEAD.
TURN IT OFF.

WATCH YOUR FINGERS!

AAH!

CHERYL...

WE DON'T NEED THAT.

NO, NO,
NOT UNLESS YOU NEED TO

RIP UP A STUMP
IN THE BACKYARD.

CHERYL, WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU
TO BUY SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

WELL...

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE FUN.

DID YOU, CHERYL?

DID YOU REALLY?

WELL, JIM...
WHAT?

I MEAN, IT WAS A PARTY AND ALL
THE GIRLS WERE SO EXCITED,

AND THEY WERE BUYING ALL THESE TOYS... YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, HOW MUCH DID YOU HAVE TO DRINK?

THAT MUCH.
YEAH.

CHERYL...

I KNOW. I KNOW.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, HONEY,
YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

IT SOUNDED LIKE EVERYBODY

WAS HAVING THESE
REALLY FREAKY SEX LIVES,

AND I GUESS I STARTED TO FEEL
LIKE WE WERE MISSING OUT.

YOU KNOW, I KIND OF
FELT THAT WAY

WHEN ANDY AND RYAN
WERE GOING ON. REALLY?

YEAH, BUT I THOUGHT
ABOUT IT.

WE'RE NOT MISSING OUT
ON ANYTHING.

WE'RE STEAK, BABY.

IS STEAK A GOOD THING?

COME ON, WHEN IS STEAK
A BAD THING?

I MEAN, IF YOU HAVE
HIGH CHOLESTEROL

AND YOUR DOCTOR SAYS YOU CAN'T EAT
RED MEAT... OKAY, OKAY, CHERYL, COME ON.

LOOK, WHO CARES
WHAT KIND OF SEX

OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
ARE HAVING?

OUR SEX LIFE IS GREAT,
ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

IT IS, RIGHT?
IT IS.

YEAH, I MEAN,
IT'S NOT A COMPETITION.

NO.

AND IF IT WAS A COMPETITION,
WE'D WIN.

WE WOULD KICK THEIR ASSES.

(laughs)

OH! MAN!

HONEY, WE GOTTA
GET RID OF THAT THING.

I DON'T THINK
I CAN RETURN IT.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST
DONATE IT TO SOME CHARITY?

I MEAN, AN OPEN-MINDED
CHARITY. (laughs)

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
(screams)

OH, MY GOD! OH, JEEZ! OKAY,
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!

GRAB IT! GRAB IT! NO! GET
AWAY! GET AWAY! GET AWAY!

WATCH IT! WATCH IT!
WATCH IT!

GET IN THERE! GET IN THERE!
GET IN THERE! GET IN THERE!

OH!

WHAT DO WE DO?
SELL THE HOUSE.