According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Stick - full transcript

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OH, MY GOSH.

NICOLE ACROSS THE STREET...
HER DAD IS THE COOLEST.

HE WAS A SEMIPRO
BASEBALL PLAYER.

HE CAUGHT A RATTLESNAKE
WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

AND HE HAS A NICKEL
FROM 1896!

HER DAD CAN
WATER SKI BAREFOOT,

AND HE GOT
PAT SAJAK'S AUTOGRAPH.

IT WAS SO COOL.
WE SAW THE PICTURE.

YEAH, WE SAW THE PICTURE.
IT WAS SO AWESOME.

THAT'S AWESOME.
SO COOL.

(all cheering)



♪♪♪

OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S PERFECT.
VERY FESTIVE.

I KNOW!

I KNOW, BUT IS
ONE EXCLAMATION POINT ENOUGH?

BECAUSE I AM PRETTY EXCITED!

IT'S PERFECT.
VERY FESTIVE.

OH! THANK YOU, GUYS!
THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP!

I'M GONNA GO GET THE KIDS.

(cell phone beeps)

IS THAT YOU AGAIN? GROW UP. NO.

NO, IT'S PROBABLY RYAN.
MAYBE IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

"MADE YOU LOOK. HA HA."

SEE THE LITTLE DEVIL FACE?



THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M BEING
KIND OF A RASCAL.

HEY.

OHH.

MY BIRTHDAY.
HEY, DANA, DID YOU GET ME

THE BEER OF THE MONTH
CLUB THING?

YEAH, THIS YEAR,
IT COMES WITH A CALENDAR

SO YOU CAN PACE YOURSELF.

NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

ANDY, CUBS TICKETS?

OH, YEAH, OPENING DAY.
YOU AND ME.

UH, ACTUALLY, I WAS GONNA
TAKE KYLE THIS YEAR.

FINE, IT'S YOUR DAY.

WHERE'S CHERYL, UPSTAIRS,
GETTING THE KIDS READY

FOR THE BIG MOMENT?

YEAH, SO GO BACK OUTSIDE,
MAKE A LOT OF NOISE

AND COME BACK IN LOOKING
SURPRISED LIKE EVERY YEAR.

OKAY, OKAY, AND YOU'RE GONNA
PUT DOWN THAT MAGAZINE

AND PRETEND LIKE
YOU LIKE ME, RIGHT?

I'LL PUT DOWN THE MAGAZINE.

CHERYL, HURRY UP!
I THINK I HEAR JIM COMING!

WHOA, WHO PUT UP THAT SIGN?
WOW, THAT'S FESTIVE.

OKAY, GUYS,
IT'S DADDY'S BIRTHDAY,

SO BIG SMILES!

(all) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

OH, MY GOD!

WOW! HOLY...

I MEAN... MAN!

WOW!

HONEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN YOUR FACE.

WHAT A SURPRISE.

OH! YOU SHOULD FEEL MY HEART.

IT'S BEATING LIKE...
LIKE... WOW!

I COULD TELL, I COULD TELL.
YOU LOOKED TOTALLY SURPRISED.

DIDN'T HE? DIDN'T
HE, DANA? YEAH, YEAH.

I MEAN, WE GOT YOU, MAN.
WE GOT YOU GOOD.

EASY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY.

OH, THANK YOU, YOUNG KYLE.

LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU GOT YOUR DADDY.

MOISTURIZER!

FROM FRANCE.

FROM FRANCE!
YEAH!

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT
I COULDN'T GET ANY MOISTER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, KYLE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY.

OH, GIRLS, YOU'RE SO SWEET.
WHAT DID YOU GET ME HERE?

LOOK AT THAT!
IT'S A, UH...

SWEATER VEST.

A VERY SMART ONE.
YES!

SURE, LOOK AT THAT.

I MEAN, IT KEEPS YOU WARM,

YET YOU STILL HAVE A FULL RANGE
OF MOTION WITH YOUR ARMS.

THANK YOU, GIRLS.

HEY, HONEY.

THIS ONE'S FROM ME.

WOW, THIS IS A BIG ONE.
I KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S A PAIR
OF SWEATER PANTS

TO GO WITH
HIS SWEATER VEST.

THEY DON'T MAKE THOSE.
I'VE CHECKED.

A...
WATERCOLOR PAINTING SET.

FOR ME.

YEAH! YEAH! NOW YOU CAN LEARN
HOW TO PAINT.

YOU KNOW HOW
I LOVE TO LEARN.

THANK YOU, CHERYL.

THOSE PAINTS ARE PERFECT, JIM.

NOW YOU HAVE ANOTHER WAY
OF EXPRESSING YOURSELF

BESIDES YELLING AT THE TV.

DAMN IT, I WANTED TO
GO TO THAT CUBS GAME!

WHAT HAPPENED TO US?
SIT DOWN.

CAN WE HAVE CAKE NOW?

ABSOLUTELY. CAKE!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LET ME LIGHT THE CANDLES
SO YOU CAN MAKE YOUR WISH.

CHERYL, A WISH? NOW?

I HAVE A SWEATER VEST,
FRENCH MOISTURIZER

AND A WATERCOLOR SET.

FOR ME TO WISH FOR ANYTHING MORE
WOULD JUST BE GREEDY.

WOW, WHAT A GREAT BIRTHDAY.

(whistles)

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S YOUR PAINT SET.

OH, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT.

YOU KNOW,
OUT OF THE BOX,

STANDING THERE STARING AT ME.

WELL, HONEY,
THERE'S A FULL MOON.

I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU COULD PAINT IT

WHILE I GO TAKE
A NICE, RELAXING SHOWER.

ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE TO LOOK
THROUGH MY BEER CATALOG, HONEY.

YOU KNOW,
IT HELPS ME SLEEP.

JIM, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS MOON,
WITH THE CLOUDS...

YOU SHOULD SEE THIS BEER...
MADE IN BOSNIA!

I THINK THEY MAKE IT
IN PRISON.

HONEY, THE MOON'S
NOT LIKE THIS EVERY NIGHT.

CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WANNA BE NICE ABOUT THIS,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF THE MOON WAS CRASHING
INTO ANOTHER MOON

AND IT MADE A PERFECT PAIR
OF SPACE BOOBS...

I STILL WOULDN'T BE
PAINTING IT.

WHAT?
YOU DON'T LIKE MY PRESENT?

HONEY, I PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT
INTO THIS.

I MEAN,
IT'S A PROFESSIONAL SET.

LOOK!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I REALLY DO
APPRECIATE THAT, CHERYL.

I KNOW THE EFFORT
YOU GO THROUGH.

IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

IT'S JUST THAT THIS GIFT
IS FOR SOMEONE ELSE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE... LIKE JACQUES.

JACQUES?

JACQUES...
YOUR IMAGINARY HUSBAND.

YOU KNOW,
THE FAMOUS PAINTER WHO'S MOIST

AND WEARS A SWEATER VEST?

IS IT SO TERRIBLE
THAT I WANT TO ENCOURAGE YOU

TO TRY NEW THINGS?

CHERYL, YOU DON'T WANT TO
ENCOURAGE ME.

YOU WANT TO...
YOU WANT TO UPGRADE ME.

OH, I-I DO NOT!

YES, YOU DO!

HONEY, I KNOW YOU
LIVE WITH JIM,

BUT SOMETIMES I THINK
YOU FANTASIZE

ABOUT LIVING WITH JACQUES!

♪♪♪

(French accent)
WHY?

WHY DO I TRY TO CAPTURE
PERFECTION ON CANVAS

WHEN IT IS SITTING
RIGHT NEXT TO ME?

(French accent)
OH, JIM-JACQUES,

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE LIFE
BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.

MON AMOUR...

PLEASE PASS ME
THE MOISTURIZER.

I'M FEELING A BIT DRY...

LIKE LAST NIGHT'S CHARDONNAY.

OH, JIM-JACQUES,
MAKE LOVE TO ME...

DIRTY FRENCH LOVE.

NO!
NO?

WE MUST CUDDLE.

(sighs)

THEN...
MAKE FUN OF THE HELP.

(laughs)

(chuckles)

OH, THAT'S NOT HOW I
SEE YOU. OH, COME ON...

NO, WHAT I SEE IS A MAN
WITH A LOT OF POTENTIAL

TO DO A LOT OF THINGS.

OH, CHERYL, I HATE THAT
WORD "POTENTIAL." WHY?

THAT'S THE WORD
THAT TEACHERS USED TO SAY

BEFORE THEY'D MAKE ME
REPEAT A GRADE. OH, JIM...

AND, HONEY,
YOU DO IT EVERY YEAR.

HONEST TO GOD, ONE YEAR,
YOU GAVE ME SAILING LESSONS,

THEN DRIVING GLOVES,

THEN AN ANTIQUE
LEATHER FOOT LOCKER.

COME ON.

WELL, YOU USE
THE FOOT LOCKER.

YEAH, YEAH... THAT'S WHERE I STASH
ALL OF JACQUES' GIFTS.

CHECK OUT MARCH...
BEERS FROM BOSNIA.

WHOA, WITH PRETZELS
FROM HERZEGOVINA.

UH-HUH.

I GUESS THINGS
ARE LOOKING UP OVER THERE.

YEAH.

HELLO, MY YOUNG SON.
WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?

DADDY, REMEMBER THAT
MOISTURE-SIZER I GAVE YOU?

YES.

THAT WAS REALLY FROM MOMMY.

(gasps) NO KIDDING.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT'S OKAY.
THAT'S WHAT MOMS DO.

FOR THE RECORD,
I GOT MY OWN GIFT.

BUT YOU GUYS HAVE FUN
ON OPENING DAY.

ANDY.

I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING
JUST FROM ME.

A STICK.

HOW ABOUT THAT?
A STICK.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANK YOU, MY SON.

I LIKE THIS STICK.

COME ON,
HOW COOL IS THAT KID?

JIM, IT'S A STICK.

A MONKEY
COULD DRAG IN A STICK.

OW!

I LIKE MY STICK.

HEY.
HEY.

WHAT'S THAT?

A BIRTHDAY PRESENT
FROM KYLE.

OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.
YEAH.

DOES IT HAVE BUGS ON IT?
I CAN PUT IT IN THE GARAGE.

NO, NO, NO.
YOU KIDDING ME?

THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

I THINK IT'S GOT A LOT OF...
POTENTIAL.

OH.

(Bill Withers)
♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ WE CAN MAKE IT IF WE TRY ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

(women)
♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ BUILDING CASTLES IN THE SKY ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ YOU AND I ♪

♪ WE LOOK FOR LOVE,
NO TIME FOR TEARS ♪

♪ WASTED WATER'S ALL THAT IS ♪

♪ AND IT DON'T MAKE
NO FLOWERS GROW ♪

♪ GOOD THINGS MIGHT COME
TO THOSE WHO WAIT ♪

♪ NOT FOR THOSE
WHO WAIT TOO LATE ♪

♪ WE GOTTA GO
FOR ALL WE KNOW ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ WE CAN MAKE IT IF WE TRY ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US ♪

♪ BUILDING THEM CASTLES
IN THE SKY ♪

♪ JUST THE TWO OF US... ♪

AREN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA
GET YOUR PRECIOUS STICK WET?

GUYS, THANKS SO MUCH
FOR WATCHING THE KIDS.

JIM AND I NEVER GET TO
SNEAK OUT FOR A MOVIE.

OH, IT'S OUR PLEASURE.

WE ALSO CAME UP WITH SOME
FUN ACTIVITIES FOR THEM TO DO.

YEAH.

WE'RE GONNA PLAY "BANK"
AND HAVE 'EM ROLL MY COINS.

THEN WE'RE GONNA PLAY
"DRY CLEANER"

AND HAVE THEM IRON
UNCLE ANDY'S SHIRTS.

(Jim) HEY,
HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY KEYS?

YEAH, THEY'RE RIGHT HERE.

I'M NOT DOING IT.

(stick rattling)

THANK YOU.

I LIKE JIM BETTER THIS WAY.
WE NEVER HAVE TO SEE HIM.

YOU KNOW, I GET THAT
HE DOESN'T LIKE MY GIFTS,

BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO MOCK ME

BY PRETENDING TO
LOVE THAT STICK.

CHERYL, HE'S NOT PRETENDING.
HE LOVES THAT THING.

I EVEN CAUGHT HIM LOOKING
THROUGH A BOOK OF NAMES.

HEY, MAYBE FOR FATHER'S DAY,
YOU SHOULD GET HIM, LIKE,

A 30-FOOTER, AND HE COULD LIVE
ACROSS THE STREET WITH ANDY.

DON'T TEMPT ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

HE THINKS I'M TRYING TO
CHANGE HIM WITH MY GIFTS.

I MEAN, I'M JUST TRYING TO
SHOW HIM HIS TRUE POTENTIAL.

CHERYL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE
IN THIS THING, OKAY?

JIM'S NOT EXACTLY
THE BROTHER-IN-LAW

I FANTASIZED ABOUT.

YOU FANTASIZED
ABOUT A BROTHER-IN-LAW?

IN A MANLY WAY.

I MEAN...
I MAN-TASIZED.

♪♪♪

WOULD YOU STOP
BUMPING INTO ME?

YOU'RE LUCKY I EVEN
BROUGHT YOU HERE.

I'M SO SORRY.
I'M JUST KIND OF INTIMIDATED.

I MEAN,
THIS PLACE IS SO COOL.

JUST DON'T EMBARRASS ME, OKAY?

THE ONLY REASON
WHY YOU'RE HERE

IS 'CAUSE CHERYL
MADE ME TAKE YOU.

AND I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND.
HEY, NOT SO LOUD.

LOOK.

PRINCESS LEIA
IS CHECKING YOU OUT.

NOT SURPRISING.
THE FORCE IS STRONG IN ME.

HEY, PRINCESS LEIA!

YOU WANNA PLAY WITH
HIS LIGHT SABER?

KNOCK IT OFF, YOU DORK! SORRY.

(imitates Darth Vader) YOU HAVE
FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME.

NO! NO!

WHO IS YOUR MASTER NOW?

(raspy breathing)

(normal voice) SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, DANA,
WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE ABOUT JIM?

I'D JUST CLEAN HIM UP
A LITTLE.

♪♪♪

THERE SHE IS.

THERE'S DANA!

MY FAB BEST FRIEND.

YOU KNOW, I WAS WALKING DOWN
MICHIGAN AVENUE.

I SAW THESE.

AND A LIGHT BULB
WENT OFF AND SAID, "DANA!"

NOTHING TOO GOOD FOR

DANA-SO-BEAUTIFUL-
IT'S-INSANE-A."

JIMMY CHOOS? JIM!

JIMMY CHOOS!

THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE.

HEY, DON'T BE A SILLY.
IT'S ONLY MONEY.

SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY.

OH, IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
MY HAIR'S JUST A DISASTER.

REALLY? YOU SHOULD
GO TO JONATHAN.

I THOUGHT WE DIDN'T LIKE
HIM. OH, HE'S GOOD AGAIN.

YES.

THAT'S GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU COULD USE SOME HIGHLIGHTS.

I THINK SO, TOO.

OKAY, SO IN YOUR FANTASY,
JIM'S GAY?

NOT GAY, JUST SOMEONE
WHO'D BE MY BEST FRIEND

AND GO SHOPPING
AND MAYBE SEE A SHOW.

FINE... GAY.

SEE, CHERYL,
THE DIFFERENCE WITH US

IS WE DON'T SEE A POINT
IN TRYING TO CHANGE JIM.

WE CAN ENJOY THE FANTASY
AND THEN LIVE WITH

THE DISAPPOINTING
BUT LOVEABLE REALITY.

(Jim) COME ON, CHERYL, LET'S GO!
I DON'T WANNA BE LATE!

GET ON THE STICK!

HEY, DID YOU CATCH THAT?
"GET ON THE STICK"?

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT BRINGING
THAT STICK WITH US, ARE YOU?

OH, THE STICK
IS DEFINITELY COMING.

I MEAN,
IN THE MOVIE THEATER,

IF WE BOTH HAVE TO
GO TO THE BATHROOM,

IT CAN SAVE OUR SEATS.

NO, YOU CAN'T BRING A STICK
TO THE MOVIES.

WHY NOT? BECAUSE YOU
LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.

HEY, YOU WANT ME
TO GO IN THE KITCHEN

AND MAKE YOU A TINFOIL HAT?

CHERYL, IF THE STICK DON'T GO,
I DON'T GO.

WHAT?

I AM DRAWING THE LINE
IN THE SAND.

IS THAT SO?

YES.

CHERYL, I MAY BE
SPEAKING SOFTLY,

BUT LOOK WHAT I'M CARRYING.

I CAN'T GO TO THE MOVIES

WITH A MAN
WHO BRINGS A STICK.

I DON'T GET IT, BABY.
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CHANGE ME?

I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH CHANGE?

I MEAN, DON'T PEOPLE DIET
AND WORK OUT

AND READ BOOKS
ABOUT NEW THINGS?

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

YOU TALKING TO ME?

OR WERE YOU TALKING
TO... TO JACQUES...

THE HUSBAND YOU WISH
YOU WERE WITH?

OH, JIM.

CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHO LIKES ME,
ROUGH EDGES AND ALL?

THE BOY THAT
GAVE ME THIS STICK.

HE'S 5.

YEAH, THAT'S THE GREAT THING
ABOUT KIDS, YOU KNOW?

WHEN THEY LOVE YOU,
THEY THINK YOU'RE PERFECT.

AND THEN WHAT WE DO
AS THEY GROW UP...

WE TEACH THEM TO FIND THINGS
THAT ARE WRONG.

AND YOU HAVE BEEN DOING A
GREAT JOB WITH THAT. OH, HONEY.

HEY, CHERYL, I SAID IT BEFORE.
I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

IT'S ME.
YOU GET WHAT YOU GET.

OW! OW! OW!

(stick rattles)

GOOD NIGHT,
MY SWEET LOVE.

HI, MOM.
HEY, MOM.

WOW, WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?

PINE CONES.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE
A PINE CONE VILLAGE

WHERE EVERYONE GETS
ALONG AND THERE'S PEACE. AWW.

THEN WE'RE GOING
TO BURN IT.

OKAY, OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO BURNING ANYTHING.

HEY, KYLE? KYLE, SWEETIE,
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

I'M KINDA BUSY.

HEY, YOU WANT SOME CANDY?

SURE!

LISTEN, SWEETIE, UM...

WHY'D YOU GET YOUR DADDY
A STICK FOR HIS BIRTHDAY?

IT WAS EITHER THAT OR MUD.

GOOD CHOICE.

LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING ELSE.

WHEN YOU PICTURE DADDY,
LIKE, IN YOUR DREAMS,

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

♪♪♪

AND WHEN YOU PICTURE DADDY,
LIKE, FOR REAL,

NOT IN YOUR DREAMS,
WHAT DO YOU SEE THEN?

♪♪♪

WOW, SO THERE'S NOTHING
YOU'D CHANGE ABOUT YOUR DADDY?

NOPE.

REALLY? NOTHING?

I WISH HE'D TAKE SMALLER BITES
OF MY DESSERT.

HEY.

HEY. HOW WAS THE MOVIE?

WELL, IT DEPENDS
WHO YOU ASK.

I LIKED IT.

NOT SO MUCH.

HEY, CAN WE TALK?

I'M KIND OF BUSY.

DO YOU WANT SOME CANDY?
SURE.

SO, UM...

I TOOK BACK
THE PAINTING SET.

AND I GOT YOU
SOMETHING NEW.

SOMETHING THAT'S
ACTUALLY FOR YOU, NOT FOR ME

OR FOR JACQUES.

A ROCK?

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
GO WELL WITH THE STICK.

TURN IT OVER.

"ACCEPTANCE."

YOU FOUND A ROCK WITH THE WORD
"ACCEPTANCE" ON IT?

OH, HONEY...

I REALLY DO WANT YOU
TO BE WHO YOU ARE.

REALLY?

YEAH.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE WITH A MAN

WHO TOOK A STICK
TO THE MOVIES.

DID YOU BUY THE STICK
A TICKET?

WELL, IT WAS BEFORE 5:00.
STICKS GET IN FREE.

SO, HONEY, I AM OFFICIALLY DONE
TRYING TO CHANGE YOU.

OH, OH, OH, CHERYL, PLEASE.
WHAT?

COME ON,
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

WELL...

YOU ARE ALWAYS GONNA
TRY TO CHANGE ME

AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT,

AND I DON'T MIND THAT.

I MEAN, I DON'T MIND TRYING
TURKEY HOT DOGS.

BUT I'LL NEVER TRY
SOY HOT DOGS.

AND LET ME TELL YOU...
THE PAINTING SET WAS SOY.

I GET IT. I GET IT.
I DO, HONEY.

AND I GET YOU,
I SWEAR.

AND IF YOU ARE A GUY
WHO LOVES HIS STICK,

THEN I AM A WOMAN WHO LOVES
A GUY WHO LOVES HIS STICK.

WOW, BET NO GIRL'S EVER
WRITTEN THAT IN HER DIARY.

WELL, THANK YOU, BABY.

YOU'RE WELCOME.
GONNA USE YOUR ROCK?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
USE IT?

IT'S A ROCK.

I MEAN,
IT'S A NICE ROCK...

BUT IT AIN'T NO STICK.

THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY.

THANK YOU, HONEY.

(instrumental music playing
on TV)

SWEET!

DON'T GET JEALOUS.