According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 12 - Sex Ed Fred - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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YES, I AM.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE STUPIDER.
NO, YOU'RE STUPIDER.

HEY, YOU TWO,
KNOCK IT OFF OVER THERE!

KYLE, WILL YOU JUST SIT STILL?

LEAVE MY FACE ALONE.

COOL! AN EYELASH!

MAKE A WISH!

WHATEVER WILL I WISH FOR?
(blows)

HEY, JIM, I'M OFF TO GO SEE
"PIGGY GOES TO PARIS."

GUY ALONE AT A KIDDIE MOVIE
WITH A BAG FULL OF CANDY...

WELL, YOU GET THE PICTURE.
I NEED TO BORROW THE BRATS.



FANTASTIC. GO!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

(Children) YAY!

(blows)

HEY. WHERE ARE THE KIDS?

OH, THEY WENT TO THE MOVIES
WITH ANDY.

WE'RE ALONE?
YEAH.

UPSTAIRS, NAKED, NOW!

(blows) (Cheryl) AND GRAB
THE LEFTOVER PIZZA.

WE'LL EAT IT IN BED AFTERWARDS
WHILE WE WATCH FOOTBALL.

I'VE GOT MAGIC HAIR.

♪♪♪

HEY.
HEY.

LOOKS LIKE
I'M EATING HERE TONIGHT.

SEEMS MY HUSBAND PREFERS
TEACHING MED STUDENTS



HOW TO KNOCK UP
50-YEAR-OLD WOMEN

TO ACTUALLY KNOCKING ME UP.

I TOLD YOU,
MARRY BLUE COLLAR.

YOU DO MORE LAUNDRY, BUT
THEY'RE HOME FOR DINNER. YEAH.

MOM?
YEAH?

WHAT'S "KNOCKING UP"?

UH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW
WHEN YOU KNOCK SOMEBODY DOWN?

WELL,
IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.

HEY, I KNOW!
LET'S GO KNOCK UP KYLE!

OKAY!

SORRY.

AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

LAST WEEK, JIM TOLD THEM
"KNOCKING BOOTS"

WAS WHAT YOU DID TO
GET THE SNOW OFF YOUR FEET.

I FORGET THEY'RE AT THE AGE
WHEN THEY HAVE QUESTIONS.

YEAH, WELL, I THINK RUBY'S
ABOUT TO HAVE A LOT MORE.

THEY'RE SHOWING
A SEX ED VIDEO TO HER CLASS.

YOU KNOW IT'S STATE LAW?

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEARN
ABOUT SEX THE WAY WE DID,

AT CAMP FROM THE HAIRY GIRL
WITH THE HIPPIE PARENTS?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM
THINKING THEY CAN'T GET PREGNANT

IF THEY DO IT IN A TREE.

WE GOT SO LUCKY.

SERIOUSLY.

ANYWAY, ALL THE PARENTS

HAVE TO SEE THE VIDEO FIRST
TOMORROW NIGHT,

AND I HAVE TO BREAK IT
TO JIM.

OH, MY GOD, WILL YOU TAKE
A PICTURE OF HIS FACE

THE MOMENT HE REALIZES HIS
DAUGHTER WILL ONE DAY HAVE SEX?

NO, GIRLS, THAT'S NOT
WHAT "KNOCKING UP" MEANS!

JUST LEAVE
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER ALONE!

STOP IT!

WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH THEM?

OH, YOU WON'T CARE
IN A MINUTE.

WHAT?

UH, HONEY,
SO TOMORROW NIGHT,

WE'RE GONNA GO
TO RUBY'S SCHOOL AND...

AND WATCH A SEX ED VIDEO THAT
THEY'RE GONNA SHOW TO HER CLASS.

(groans)

CHAIR.

CHAIR.

BEER.
BEER.

BEER.

OUT.

OH, COME ON.

HE MEANS YOU.

RUN. RUN!
(screams)

OKAY, HONEY.

(burps)

CHERYL.

MM-HMM?

I THOUGHT WE COVERED THIS.

HOW DO WE
BREAK BAD NEWS TO ME?

AFTER SEX, OR WHEN
YOU'RE CASHING YOUR PAYCHECK.

THAT'S REGULAR BAD NEWS.
THIS IS SPECIAL BAD NEWS!

WELL, JIM, I DIDN'T HAVE
ENOUGH EGGS TO MAKE FLAN.

SEX ED VIDEO, MY EYE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

SHE'S NOT GONNA WATCH
NO SEX ED VIDEO.

THESE PEOPLE ARE STUPID.
SHE'S ONLY 7 YEARS OLD!

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
SHE'S 10.

10?
YES.

SHE'S ALREADY 10?!
YES, HONEY.

AND SECONDLY,
IT'S ILLINOIS STATE LAW.

ILLINOIS, HUH?
YEAH.

YEAH. ILLINOIS.

ILLINOIS WITH THE SILENT "S."

LOOK, JIM,
ALL THE KIDS IN HER CLASS

ARE GONNA BE
SEEING THIS MOVIE.

NOW DO YOU WANT HER TO
GET THE INFORMATION FIRSTHAND

OR ON THE PLAYGROUND LATER
FROM HER FRIENDS?

YOU LET HER TALK TO KIDS
AT A PLAYGROUND

WHO TALK ABOUT SEX?!

SHE'S GONNA HEAR
SOMETHING SOMEWHERE,

AND CHANCES ARE
IT'S NOT GONNA BE ACCURATE.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

YOU KNOW, I WENT OUT
WITH A GIRL ONCE

WHO THOUGHT IF YOU
DID IT IN A TREE,

YOU COULDN'T GET PREGNANT,

I GOT SO LUCKY.

AND SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT.

WELL, I GET IT.

I DO. I GET IT.

IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

I THINK RUBY SHOULD LEARN,
YOU KNOW,

A HEALTHY, MATURE APPROACH
TO THE OLD "SQUEAKY SQUEAKY."

YEAH, HONEY.

AH, SHE'S SURE LUCKY
TO HAVE A DAD LIKE YOU.

YOU KNOW "SQUEAKY SQUEAKY"
MEANS SEX, RIGHT?

YEAH, I KNOW.

IF WE WERE IN A HOT TUB,
IT WOULD BE "SPLASHY SPLASHY."

YEAH, I GOT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'D CALL IT
IF YOU WERE ON A TRAMPOLINE?

NO.

"BOINGY BOINGY."

HEY, HEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

"ANNOYING ANNOYING."

ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT
"CLEVER CLEVER"?

HEY, JIM,
RUBY'S GONNA DO IT.

(gasps)

HI, MRS. CLARK.

CHERYL, IT'S SO GOOD TO
SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU?

OKAY, HERE'S WHAT
I DON'T GET.

ALL THE TAXES
I'M PAYING FOR SCHOOLS,

AND YOU PEOPLE CAN'T PUT OUT
A FEW LOUSY SNACKS?

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE,
LET'S GO AND TAKE OUR SEATS,

AND WE'LL GET STARTED,
THANK YOU. FINE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

NOW AS MOST OF YOU KNOW,

THIS IS MY FIRST YEAR
TEACHING FIFTH GRADE,

SO I HAVEN'T SEEN THE FILM.

BUT THEY'VE BEEN SHOWING IT HERE
FOR YEARS WITHOUT ANY COMPLAINT.

IT'S CALLED "ANSWER THE PHONE,
PUBERTY'S CALLING."

PUBERTY.

IT'S GONNA BE
A LONG NIGHT.

LONG.

OH, HI.

YOU'RE EARLY.

ANYWAY, MY NAME IS BEN.

AND, OH, HERE COMES
MY GOOD FRIEND MARGO.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, BEN?

HEY, MARGO.

HI, KIDS.

WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU
ON A GROOVY TRIP

TO BETTER UNDERSTANDING
YOUR CHANGING BODIES.

FAR OUT, MARGO.

YOU BOYS OUT THERE

MAY HAVE NOTICED
SOME NEW STUFF GOING DOWN...

LIKE HAIR GROWING AROUND
YOUR PENIS AND TESTICLES.

DON'T FREAK OUT.

(muffled laughter)

GET A GRIP.

GRIP. GET A GRIP.

AND I'LL BE RAPPING
WITH THE GALS.

REMEMBER, YOUNG PEOPLE
JUST LIKE YOU

ARE GOING THROUGH
THE SAME THING

ALL OVER
THIS BIG BLUE MARBLE.

LIKE MY FRIEND CINDY.

(rings)

(ring)

(ring)

HELLO. THIS IS CINDY.

HELLO, CINDY,
GUESS WHO?

IT'S PUBERTY CALLING.

SOMEDAY SOON, YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE YOUR FIRST PERIOD.

BUT I HAVE
A SOCIAL STUDIES QUIZ.

DON'T WORRY.
YOU WON'T MISS THAT QUIZ.

BUT YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY
TO BECOMING A WOMAN.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU SEE, CINDY, YOUR
UTERINE LINING WILL THICKEN

AND SLOUGH OFF EVERY 28 DAYS.

THIS IS CALLED MENSTRUATION.

IT HAPPENS TO EVERY WOMAN.

ASK YOUR MOM TONIGHT
AT SUPPERTIME.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

IT'LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL

WHEN MY DAUGHTER
WATCHES A TAPE LIKE THIS!

I-I'M SORRY.

NOT A FAN OF MENSTRUATION.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, LET'S STASH
THIS STUFF IN MY TRUNK.

I SCORED BATTERIES,
ENGLISH MUFFINS... OOH...

AND THE NEW "US WEEKLY."
OH.

I GOT COFFEE AND BUBBLE BATH.
I JUST LOVE BABY-SITTING HERE.

IT SAVES ME
A TRIP TO THE MARKET.

CHERYL,
I DON'T WANNA EXPLAIN.

I'M NOT GIVING BACK THE TAPE.

JIM...
I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.

IF YOU DON'T GIVE BACK THE TAPE,
YOU LOOK CRAZY.

AND I LOOK CRAZY
FOR MARRYING YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S CRAZY.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY?

ALL THE BATTERIES
AND ENGLISH MUFFINS

WE GO THROUGH IN THIS HOUSE!
THAT'S CRAZY!

HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING HOME SO EARLY?

JIM STOLE THE SEX ED VIDEO IN
FRONT OF EVERYBODY AND RAN OUT!

OH, JIM, IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS,
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO ME.

HEY, I'LL SHOW YOU
HOW TO GET AFTER IT.

HONEY, LOOK...

YOU'RE JUST FREAKING OUT BECAUSE
YOU'RE STARTING TO REALIZE

THAT YOUR LITTLE GIRL
IS BECOMING A YOUNG WOMAN.

YOU'RE NOT UPSET
ABOUT THE TAPE.

YOU'RE UPSET THAT
PUBERTY'S CALLING.

I'M UPSET, CHERYL.

I'M UPSET ABOUT THE TAPE,
AND YOU WILL BE, TOO,

AS SOON AS YOU SEE IT.

SEE THAT GIRL?

YEAH. THAT'S CINDY.
HMM.

WHAT, YOU THINK
SHE'S 40, 45 NOW?

LIKES TO GET AFTER IT?

YOU SEE THAT BOY IN
THE BACKGROUND? YEAH.

LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY

ABOUT A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY'S
FIRST AND ONLY ACTING JOB.

IS THAT...

A BOY NAMED JIM.

MY MOTHER USED TO MAKE ME DO
ALL KINDS OF THINGS FOR MONEY.

SHE USED TO MAKE ME STEAL DOGS
AND RETURN THEM FOR THE REWARD.

ONE TIME, I HUNG AROUND
A TRACK FOR A WEEK

TRYING TO GET A HORSE
TO KICK ME IN THE HEAD.

THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY WAS
ONE OF THE BETTER GIGS.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU NEVER TOLD ME

YOU DID A SEX ED MOVIE.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS
A SEX ED MOVIE TILL TONIGHT.

SHE TOLD ME
IT WAS A HORROR FILM.

JIM TEACHING KIDS ABOUT SEX?
I'M SCARED.

HEY, JIM, SOMETHING ELSE
WE HAVE IN COMMON...

I, TOO, WAS A CHILD ACTOR.
NAY, STAR.

STAR? YOU WERE A GOOFY KID
SELLING CAKE MIX.

MOMMA DIBBS
OLD-FASHIONED CAKE MIX.

AND I BEAT OUT CUSACK
FOR THAT PART.

TIMMY CUSACK!

STILL A CUSACK!

WOULD YOU STOP IT?

JIM, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SO WORRIED ABOUT.

I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST A BOY
IN THE BACKGROUND.

CHERYL, NOW YOU KNOW ME.

WHEN HAVE I EVER STAYED
IN THE BACKGROUND?

(Ben)
FRED LIKES TO LOOK AT CINDY.

SHE'S THE GROOVIEST GIRL
IN CLASS.

YEAH, I REMEMBER THIS NOW.

THAT DIRECTOR JERK TOLD ME
THAT CINDY WAS A GHOST,

AND THAT I SHOULD LOOK AT HER,
BE SCARED,

AND THEN LOOK DOWN.

WHY DOWN?

OH, GOD.

BUT SOMETIMES LOOKING AT CINDY
GETS FRED EXCITED.

IT'S OKAY, FRED.

DON'T WORRY.
EVERYTHING'S COOL.

(phone rings)

HE...

(clears throat) HELLO?

(Ben) PUBERTY'S CALLING YOU,
TOO, FRED.

THAT'S WHY
YOUR VOICE IS CRACKING

AND YOU'RE DEVELOPING
BODY ODOR AND PIMPLES.

YOU'RE A REAL TREAT, FRED.

NOBODY CAN SEE THIS TAPE.
I'M NOT GIVING IT BACK.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT BACK.

IF YOU DON'T,
THEY'LL JUST GET ANOTHER COPY.

CRAP, I DIDN'T EVEN
THINK ABOUT THAT.

WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS, DANA.

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.

I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER
LEARNING ABOUT MEN

BY WATCHING HER FATHER
POP ONE!

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN HAVE
MY DAUGHTER SEE THIS.

MY LITTLE SWEETHEART
IS NOT GONNA WATCH THIS TAPE!

WE CAN STILL WATCH IT.

THERE ARE A LOT OF CHANGES
GOING ON INSIDE OF FRED.

(Margo)
LET'S LOOK AT A CROSS SECTION

OF HIS TESTICLES AND PENIS.

OH! OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.

YEAH.

YEAH. SORRY ABOUT
THE BLINDFOLD, JIM.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE
ANY CHANCES.

IF THIS LOCATION EVER GOT OUT,
WELL, THAT COULD BE BAD.

THIS IS YOUR BASEMENT.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

ANDY, I HELPED YOU
PUT THE DRYWALL UP.

I CAN HEAR MY KIDS
PLAYING OUTSIDE.

DAMN IT, NOW I GOTTA
KNOCK YOU OUT. OH, STOP IT.

WILL YOU BE SERIOUS
FOR A MINUTE HERE?

COME ON, MAN,
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

NOW SHOW ME
WITH ALL THIS CRAP

HOW YOU'RE GONNA MAKE
THIS VIDEO DIFFERENT

SO NOBODY KNOWS IT'S ME.
HEY, JIM, COME ON.

PUTTING A HEAD
ON SOMEONE ELSE'S BODY...

IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE.

I DO IT FOR MY FRIENDS'
ONLINE DATING PHOTOS

ALL THE TIME, OKAY?

JUST LET ME FIRE UP
THE COMPUTER, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COMPUTER ON.

IT SEEMS SOME PRANKSTERS HAVE
INFILTRATED MY LOCATION HERE.

COME ON, MAN.
FIND A HEAD TO REPLACE MINE.

OH, I GOT
THE PERFECT ONE IN MIND.

DID YOU EVER SEE MY
CAKE COMMERCIAL? NO.

MMM, GIMME A PIECE OF THAT!

RIGHT THERE.
YOU SEE THAT?

THE BODIES, THE EXPRESSION,
IT'S PERFECT.

I MEAN,
IT'S GONNA TAKE ALL NIGHT,

BUT I CAN HAVE IT TO YOU
BY MORNING. ALL RIGHT.

OH, JIM, DON'T TELL ANYONE
YOU WERE HERE.

NOT A PROBLEM.

I GUESS I JUST FREAKED OUT

AT THE THOUGHT OF
MY SWEET, DARLING LITTLE ANGEL

BECOMING THIS MENSTRUATING...

THAT'S RIGHT.

A MENSTRUATING WOMAN.

AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE, JIM.
THANK YOU.

DID YOU NOTICE I PUT
OUT SNACKS? OH, YEAH.

YEAH, APPLES AND CARROTS.

OH, WELL.

I HOPE MY NERD BROTHER
CAME THROUGH FOR US.

OH, MY GOD,
THAT LOOKS GREAT.

YEAH. HE DID GOOD.

(Ben) FRED LIKES TO
LOOK AT CINDY.

SHE'S THE GROOVIEST GIRL
IN CLASS.

MMM, GIMME A PIECE
OF THAT!

THAT IDIOT FORGOT TO
ERASE THE AUDIO!

BUT SOMETIMES LOOKING AT CINDY

GETS FRED EXCITED.

BETTER SAVE SOME
FOR DADDY!

THIS IS NOT EDUCATIONAL!
THIS IS A PORNO!

I WANT MINE
WITH WHIPPED CREAM!

(all groaning)

YOU KNOW, JIM WAS RIGHT.

OUR KIDS SHOULD NEVER
SEE THIS VIDEO.

I'M SORRY. I HAD NO IDEA.

I WANT TO SPEAK TO
THE PRINCIPAL.

YES!

I DEMAND THAT YOU
GET A NEW TAPE

AND NEVER, EVER USE THIS TAPE
EVER AGAIN!

I MEAN, COME ON, PLEASE.

WE HAVE TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN
FROM FILTH LIKE THIS.

YES.

AND SERIOUSLY...
APPLES AND CARROTS!

WE'RE DONE GROWING!

HOW ABOUT SOME...
SOME PRETZELS AND WINGS?

(All) YEAH!

HOW ABOUT PRETZELS,
BEERS AND WINGS?

(All)
PRETZELS, BEERS AND WINGS!

PRETZELS, BEERS
AND WINGS! OH, MY!

PRETZELS,
BEERS AND WINGS!

OH, YES!

PRETZELS,
BEERS AND WINGS!

HEY.

HEY.

SO, SO, SO,
SO HOW DID IT GO?

GREAT. RUBY HAD
HER SEX ED CLASS TODAY.

THEY HAD CLASS DISCUSSION,
DIAGRAMS, BUT NO VIDEO.

YES!

WE CAN PUT THAT
BEHIND US NOW.

YES, THE ELUSIVE JIM
GETS AWAY WITH ANOTHER ONE.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY,
NOT SO FAST. WHAT?

WE STILL HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS
AND TALK TO RUBY. WHAT?

YEAH, HER HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT
IS TO TALK TO US

ABOUT WHAT SHE LEARNED TODAY.

(groans)

OH, HONEY,
I KNOW IT'S HARD.

CHERYL, HOW ABOUT
INSTEAD OF HAVING THAT TALK,

WHY DON'T WE JUST LOCK HER UP
IN THE BASEMENT

UNTIL HER WEDDING DAY?

AND WE'LL LET HER OUT
IF HER FIANCé

CAN BEAT ME AT A SWORD FIGHT.

I REALLY THINK
IT'S TIME TO DO THIS.

CHERYL,
ONCE WE HAVE THIS TALK,

THERE'S NO GOING BACK.

I KNOW.

THIS IS MY LITTLE GIRL
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY FIRST THOUGHT
WAS WHEN SHE WAS BORN

AND THE DOCTOR SAID
IT WAS A GIRL?

YEAH.
"DAMN IT, I WANTED A BOY."

OKAY, MY SECOND THOUGHT...

IT WAS THAT
THIS SWEET LITTLE ANGEL

WAS GONNA GROW UP
AND BE A WOMAN.

AND THAT WAS GONNA SUCK!

I KNOW, HONEY.
SHE DID GROW UP FAST.

BUT IT'S OUR JOB
TO MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS

WHAT SHE NEEDS TO KNOW.

I KNOW, BUT I...

I JUST CAN'T GET MYSELF
TO DO IT.

ARE WE DOING
MY SEX TALK OR NOT?

(groans)

BE STRONG.

(whispering)
DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS.

WE HAVE TO.

WE HAVE TO?
YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, RUBE,
LET'S GO UP TO YOUR ROOM.

OH. OH!

DADDY, IS IT OKAY
IF I JUST TALK TO MOMMY?

YEAH, OKAY.

YEAH, SURE. WHY NOT?

I MEAN, YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO

TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SOME STUFF?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
DADDY KNOWS A LOT OF STUFF.

AND ESPECIALLY WITH
A SEX TALK LIKE THIS,

YOU MIGHT WANT A GUY AROUND
TO TALK ABOUT STUFF.

IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

'CAUSE I'M STARTING TO SEE
LITTLE LIGHTS.

I JUST THINK IT'D BE EASIER
TALKING TO MOMMY.

YEAH.

OKAY, YEAH,
I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

THAT YOU AND YOUR MOM
HAVE THIS SPECIAL TIME TOGETHER.

NOW I'LL JUST STAY
OUT OF THE WAY.

OKAY, DADDY. BYE.

BYE, SWEETHEART.

HI, DADDY.

HI, BABY.

DADDY?

DADDY?

I CAN'T BREATHE.

HEY, BABY, WILL YOU
DO ME A FAVOR?

HMM?

WILL YOU NOT TALK TO RUBY
FOR A YEAR OR SO?