According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Gift of Maggie - full transcript

The siblings' mom is coming for a Christmastime visit. Andy suspects that Ryan will try to dethrone Jim as the favorite son-in-law. Jim doesn't believe. But then the evidence starts to speak for Andy's theory.

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---
(both laughing)

ANDY, WHAT THE...
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

WHAT?

YOU JUST SPIT ON MY FLOOR!

OH.

JEEZ, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT I WAS AT HOME.

YOU MEAN, YOU SPIT
ON THE FLOOR AT HOME?

SURE, EVERYBODY DOES...

YOU KNOW,
WHEN THEY'RE ALL ALONE.

NOBODY SPITS ON THE FLOOR!
GET OUTTA HERE!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
GET OUTTA MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!



OH, EXCUSE ME. I DIDN'T REALIZE
I WAS AT THE RITZ.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.

I-I THOUGHT
I WAS AT ANDY'S HOUSE.

♪♪♪

MMM, MMM, MMM.
THIS LOOKS GOOD.

OH, YOU KIDS ARE DOING SUCH
A GREAT JOB ON THAT TREE. OH.

GRANDMA IS GONNA LOVE IT.

REALLY? WHEN DID MOM START
LIKIN' THINGS THAT SUCK?

(laughs)
OH.

CAN WE PUT MY SPONGEBOB TOY
ON TOP?

LOOK, I CAN'T PUT MY MIKE DITKA
BUBBLEHEAD UP THERE,

YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR
SPONGEBOB UP. (Cheryl) NO.

NO, HONEY,
YOU KNOW THAT



GRANDMA'S SPECIAL ANGEL
ALWAYS GOES ON TOP.

GRANDMA GAVE THIS TO ME
AND DADDY ON OUR WEDDING DAY.

YEAH.

AND I GOT A 2-HOUR LECTURE
ABOUT PUTTING MY HUSBAND FIRST.

YES, WISE WORDS
FROM A WISE WOMAN, CHERYL.

UH-HUH. I'M ABOUT TO GET
FOUR DAYS OF MOM'S WISDOM

ABOUT EVERY SINGLE THING I DO.

IS THAT WHY YOU DOUBLED UP
THE BOOZE IN THE EGGNOG?

YEAH...

AND WHEN MOM GETS HERE,
I BUMP IT UP TO TRIPLE.

(Jim) AH.

AH, WHY WAIT?
(gasps)

(laughs)

WHEN'S GRANDMA
GONNA BE HERE?

OH, HONEY, SHE'LL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE.

UNCLE RYAN AND AUNT DANA WENT
TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT.

DON'T YOU USUALLY PICK HER UP
EVERY YEAR?

YEAH, FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS,
BUT RYAN CALLED TODAY

AND SAID HE WANTED TO DO IT.
I'M GONNA MISS MY ANNUAL TRIP

TO THE NUDIE BAR,
BUT IT'S OKAY.

YEAH, MOM WAS STARTIN'
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT, ANYWAY.

SO RYAN VOLUNTEERED, HUH?
INTERESTING.

NO, NOT REALLY.

(laughing)
OH, SWEET, YOUNG JAMES...

LIKE AN INNOCENT DOE,
DAMP WITH THE MORNING DEW.

WHAT?

DON'T YOU GET IT, MAN?
HE'S AFTER YOUR TITLE.

HE WANTS TO BE
THE NUMBER ONE SON.

OH, COME ON.
RYAN'S THE NEW GUY, THAT'S ALL.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO SUCK UP
TO HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW...

AND I DON'T BLAME HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAGGIE IS THE GREATEST.

HEY, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT
WHEN I WAS NUMBER ONE,

BUT THEN YOU CAME ALONG,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

ANDY ISN'T A BABY FACE.
HE'S GOT A WEIGHT PROBLEM.

LOOK IT,
RYAN CAN'T TOUCH ME, ANYWAY.

I'M THE KING,
AND THIS IS MY THRONE.

I THOUGHT THE UPSTAIRS TOILET
WAS YOUR THRONE.

I'M THE KING.
I CAN HAVE TWO THRONES.

(laughing)

RYAN, THAT IS THE FUNNIEST STORY
ABOUT MENOPAUSE I'VE EVER HEARD.

WELL.

THEY'RE HERE!
GRANDMA!

HELLO, MY DARLINGS.
HI, GRANDMA!

OH, HELLO, HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU, MAGGIE?

OH, FINE, HONEY.
(Cheryl) HEY, MOM.

HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT?

OH, WONDERFUL.
RYAN SURPRISED ME

WITH A FIRST CLASS UPGRADE.
YEAH.

WE WERE GONNA USE THE MILES
FOR EUROPE, BUT IT'S MOM.

(laughs)

THAT'S RIGHT,
AND NO MOTHER-IN-LAW OF MINE

IS GONNA PAY FOR HEADPHONES.
I MEAN, COME ON.

(both laugh)

WHAT'S THAT SOUND, JIM?
FOOTSTEPS.

HEY, JIM, HONEY,
WHY DON'T YOU GRAB MOM'S BAGS

AND PUT 'EM UP IN KYLE'S
ROOM? YEAH, YEAH, GOOD IDEA.

WAIT A MINUTE, KYLE'S ROOM?
YEAH, THE KIDS ALL BUNK

IN THE GIRLS' ROOM.
THEY LOVE IT. IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

I GET TO SLEEP
IN THE CLOSET.

OH.

HOLD ON
ONE SECOND THERE, JIM.

I MEAN, THIS IS SILLY.
WE HAVE AN EXTRA BEDROOM.

YEAH, WITH A BED
THAT'S NOT A RACECAR.

I-I WOULDN'T BE IMPOSING?

OH, NOT AT ALL. YOU SHOULD
DEFINITELY STAY WITH US. UNH-UNH, YEAH.

WELL, I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

I MEAN, IF... IF THAT WORKS
FOR YOU, MOM.

WELL, MAGGIE,
YOU ALWAYS STAY WITH US.

HMM. SEEMS
SOMETHING'S CHANGED.

(Ryan) OKAY, JIM, I'LL JUST

PUT THESE BAGS BACK IN
THE CAR. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

I DON'T MIND.
I GOT IT!

OH!

CAUGHT A PIECE OF THE
OLD YULE LOG. (Maggie gasps)

(Jim) SORRY, ANDY.
ANDREW! SUCH A MOUTH.

MAGGIE, MAGGIE,
Y-YOU SURE YOU WANNA GO?

I MEAN, AREN'T YOU GONNA
MISS THE KIDS?

OH, HONEY,
I CAN JUST TUCK 'EM IN

AND BE BACK HERE FIRST THING
EACH MORNING.

NOW WHO KNOWS WHERE I CAN GET
A CHRISTMAS COOKIE?

(children) WE DO,
WE DO! YAY! (laughs)

KYLE REALLY SLEEPS
IN THE CLOSET?

YEAH, IN AN OLD
SUITCASE. HE LOVES IT. HUH.

HOW'S THAT VIEW
FROM YOUR THRONE, KING JAMES?

YOU WERE RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I SHOULD HAVE

NEVER LET HIM GO TO THE AIRPORT
AND PICK HER UP.

NOW HE'S TRYING
TO STEAL HER AWAY,

AND I DON'T GET
TO GO TO THE NUDIE BAR.

WE CAN GO RIGHT NOW
IF YOU WANT.

NAH, IT'S NOT THE SAME
WITHOUT YOUR MOM.

JIM, YOU'RE BEING
RIDICULOUS.

RYAN IS NOT AFTER YOUR TITLE.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A TITLE.

WATCH IT, CHERYL. WATCH IT.
IF I DON'T HAVE A TITLE,

THAT MEANS
YOU DON'T HAVE A TITLE.

I DON'T HAVE A TITLE.

WELL, AS KING OF THIS FAMILY,
I CAN GIVE YOU A TITLE.

I DUB THEE QUEEN CHERYL...
FIRST BABE OF THE REALM

AND THE CARETAKER
OF THE FAMILY JEWELS.

OH, JIM.

YOU NOW HAVE A TITLE.

THANK YOU. I'M
THRILLED WITH IT. (laughs)

LOOK, HONEY,
I, FOR ONE, AM THRILLED

SHE'S NOT HERE
TO NITPICK ME.

BESIDES, THERE IS MORE
THAN ENOUGH OF MY MOTHER

FOR YOU AND RYAN TO SHARE.

SHARE?
YES.

HE DOESN'T WANNA SHARE.
"OH, OH, LOOK AT ME.

"I CAN GET YOU
A FIRST CLASS UPGRADE.

"OH, WE GOT BEDROOMS
AT OUR HOUSE.

"OH, WE PAY FOR HEAT
AT OUR HOUSE."

CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHEN WE TAKE MAGGIE OUT

FOR STEVIE B's RIBS AND CHICKEN,

I'VE GOT TO SHINE!

WELL, YOU MIGHT WANNA START
BY ZIPPIN' UP YOUR FLY.

JIM, IT'S CHRISTMAS.

THIS IS NOT THE TIME

TO BE PETTY
AND COMPETITIVE.

WELL, THEN, HOW COME DONNER
TRIED TO SCREW NIXON

OUT OF HIS SPOT
IN THE REINDEER GAMES?

WHAT?
THE REINDEER GAMES.

THEY WERE COMPETING
FOR THE SAME SPOT.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T
FRED AND ETHEL.

SOON AS THE STARS
OF THE SHOW GET HERE,

WE CAN GO TO DINNER.
OH, AH.

WOULD YOU STOP
STIRRING HIM UP,

AND WHY ARE YOU
INCLUDING ME?

COME ON, SIS,
WAKE UP.

YOU THINK THAT PRETTY BOY RYAN
CAME UP WITH THIS?

THIS HAS THE STINK OF DANA
ALL OVER IT.

(gasps) DANA... OF COURSE
SHE WANTS A PIECE OF THIS.

THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE YOUR ROLE
AS PREMIER COUPLE OF THE FAMILY.

OKAY, PREMIER COUPLE?
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

IT MEANS WE'RE NUMBER ONE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS THEY'RE CANADA,
AND WE'RE AMERICA.

OH.

HEY.
(Cheryl) HEY.

HEY. H-HEY. W-WHY ARE
YOU GUYS ALL DRESSED UP?

YEAH, TALK ABOUT
DONNING GAY APPAREL.

(laughs)
WELL, MOM FOUND OUT

RYAN'S A MEMBER
AT OAKCREST COUNTRY CLUB.

AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO GO TO THEIR HOLIDAY PARTY.

YEAH, SO RYAN CALLED,

AND HE WAS ABLE TO GET
RESERVATIONS FOR ALL OF US.

OH.

WELL, FUNNY YOU DIDN'T CALL
TO CHECK WITH US.

WELL, IF YOU GUYS
WANNA TO GO STEVIE B's,

WE'LL JUST TAKE MAGGIE TO
THE CLUB OURSELVES. YEAH.

♪ OH, CANADA ♪

♪ IT'S SOMETHING
SOMETHING LAND ♪

WE CAN BE DRESSED
IN TWO MINUTES. GREAT.

OH, GREAT.
ANDY,

LET'S GO OVER TO YOUR HOUSE
AND PICK YOU OUT A NICE SUIT.

OH, MOM, I-I CAN PICK OUT
MY OWN SUIT.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

NO! MOM, WAIT!
MA, DON'T LOOK UNDER THE BED!

THOSE TAPES
CAME WITH THE HOUSE!

OH, HELL TO THE NO!

WHAT?

WE KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.

YEAH, DON'T DENY IT.
YOU'RE AFTER MOM.

(both laugh)

WE'RE NOT AFTER HER.
WE'VE GOT HER.

(gasps)

AND SHE'S
NOT COMIN' BACK.

YOU BEEN THE BIG DOG AROUND HERE
FOR WAY TOO LONG.

MM-HMM.

HEY, WATCH IT, PAL.
THAT BIG DOG IS MY WIFE.

OKAY, ARE...
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY

TRYING TO COMPETE WITH US
FOR MOM'S ATTENTION?

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, WE ARE.

I'VE BEEN NUMBER TWO
MY WHOLE LIFE.

NOW GET IN THE BACKSEAT
WITH ANDY.

I DON'T THINK YOU KIDS KNOW WHO
YOU'RE MESSIN' WITH HERE. UH-HUH.

EXCUSE ME, JIM,
BUT ARE YOU GETTIN'

ALL UP IN OUR KOOL-AID?

OH, YEAH!

YOU TWO BETTER BE READY
TO BRING IT.

OH, IT'LL BE BROUGHT.
RIGHT, RYAN?

OH, YEAH,
WITH A HEAVY HAND.

BAM!

YOU TWO
DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

WE'RE YOUNGER, SEXIER,

AND WE DRIVE A COOLER CAR.
ONE MORE TIME, HONEY.

BAM! BAM!

YOU WATCH IT.

YOU HAVE AROUSED
THE WRATH OF THE KING!

OH, HONEY, I DON'T KNOW.

ARE YOU SURE
THIS ISN'T TOO MUCH?

HONEY, THIS IS WAR, AND IN WAR,
YOU BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS.

OH, GOOD!
AH!

(laughter)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

OH, A SHOW? I DIDN'T KNOW
THERE WAS A SHOW.

WOW.

REALLY? THEN WHO MOVED
THE COUCH?

PERHAPS 'TWAS...

(foreign accent) A
CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. AH.

SHH. IT'S STARTING.
COME ON.

WE NOW PRESENT
"A CHRISTMAS WITHOUT GRANDMA."

A CHRISTMAS
WITHOUT GRANDMA?

WHY, THAT'S
NO CHRISTMAS AT ALL.

OH.

MAESTRO, IF YOU WILL?

YEAH.

♪ OH, GRANDMOTHER,
OH, GRANDMOTHER ♪

♪ WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
GRANDMOTHER ♪

♪ WE LOVE IT
WHEN YOU VISIT US ♪

♪ AND YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BRING US STUFF ♪

(children)
♪ OH, GRANDMOTHER ♪

♪ OH, GRANDMOTHER ♪

♪ WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
GRANDMOTHER ♪

OH!

OH, THAT'S SO DARLING.

GREAT KIDS.
YEAH.

YEAH.
(Andy playing recorder)

HEY. HEY.

I TOLD YOU,
WE CUT THAT.

TONIGHT, RUBY SCROOGE,

YOU WILL BE VISITED
BY THREE GRANDMOTHERS.

TELL THEM NOT TO BOTHER.
I ALREADY HAVE ONE.

(both) THE BEST GRANDMA

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
(Jim and Cheryl mouthing words)

OH, OH.

GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE,
ESPECIALLY GRANDMA.

(gasps) OH.

OH, COME ON.
GIVE ME A BREAK.

(Maggie) OH...

I JUST LOVE YOU KIDS. MM.

(mouthing) NOW. NOW.

THEN WHY AREN'T YOU
STAYING WITH US?

OH.

WELL, UM...

UM, UM...

UM...
WHY DON'T YOU JUST

STICK YOUR HAND UP HER BUTT
AND WORK HER LIKE A PUPPET?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOVE IT?

YEAH.

AH, WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I SHOULD SPEND
THE REST OF MY TRIP

RIGHT HERE WITH THESE PRECIOUS
GRANDCHILDREN OF MINE.

OH, MOM, I THINK
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
OUR LITTLE TYKES

WILL ONLY BE YOUNG
FOR A SHORT WHILE,

AND YOU HAVE YEARS
TO BE WITH DANA AND RYAN

IN THEIR
COLD, CHILDLESS HOME.

(sighs) OKAY, THEN IT'S SETTLED.

I AM STAYING HERE.

(all) YAY!

YEAH.
HEY, RYAN...

YEAH?

BAM!

HEY, HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HEY, HEY, PEOPLE, PEOPLE.

HOLD ON A SECOND NOW.

I-I'VE BEEN PRACTICIN'
"SILENT NIGHT" FOR SIX HOURS.

YOU PEOPLE ARE GONNA SIT DOWN
AND LISTEN TO ME PLAY.

SIT DOWN!

(plays "Silent Night")

(squeaks)

DAMN IT!
I HAD IT PERFECT LAST NIGHT!

JIM, THAT WAS A MASTERFUL
CARVING JOB.

HAD THAT PIG KNOWN
WHAT WAS IN STORE FOR HIM,

HE WOULD HAVE GLADLY
GIVEN UP HIS LIFE.

(Jim chuckles)

THANK YOU, YOUNG ANDY,
THANK YOU,

BUT I'M SURE DR. RYAN IS PRETTY
GOOD WITH A KNIFE, TOO,

ALTHOUGH WE'LL NEVER
GET A CHANCE TO SEE IT.

(laughs) WELL, I COULD COME OVER

AND GIVE YOU A VASECTOMY
IN YOUR SLEEP.

(Dana) AH.

GIVE IT UP, RYAN.
WE'RE JUST NOT AS SELFISH

AND TWISTED
AS, UH, CHERYL AND JIM.

THAT'S RIGHT,
AND LET THAT BE A LESSON

TO THE BOTH OF YOU.

UNH.

OKAY, IT'S REALLY STRONG
EGGNOG TIME.

OH, YES.

(Cheryl) HEY, MOM.

GET THE KIDS
ALL TUCKED IN?

SURE DID,
AND WATCHING LITTLE KYLE

ALL CURLED UP
IN THAT SUITCASE,

OH, JUST PRECIOUS.

I'M SO GLAD
I'M HERE FOR THIS.

AWW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MAGGIE?

WE'RE GLAD YOU'RE HERE, TOO.
EVERYBODY GRAB A DRINK.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE
A TOAST TO MAGGIE.

OH, NONE FOR ME.
THANKS, MOM.

WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, NOTHING.

YEAH, WHAT'S WRONG, DANA,
DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER?

I MEAN, SHOULD WE TELL 'EM?
I MEAN...

I DON'T... I DON'T THINK
THIS IS THE RIGHT TIME.

(gasps) OH, MY GOD. I MEAN, IT'S CHRISTMAS.
I THINK IT WOULD BE THE RIGHT TIME.

YOU'RE PREGNANT.

YES, I AM.

OH! OH! OH!

WHAT?

OH, GET READY
FOR A FOURTH GRANDCHILD.

OH, RIGHT OVER HERE.
OH, LOOK, LOOK.

HUH? OH, YEAH.
(laughing)

MOVE OVER, FRED AND ETHEL.
MAKE ROOM FOR LITTLE RICKY.

HONEY, THIS IS JUST
WONDERFUL NEWS.

YEAH, WE THOUGHT
YOU'D BE EXCITED, YOU KNOW,

SINCE JIM AND CHERYL ARE
DONE HAVING KIDS. YEAH.

YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT.

CHERYL MABEL.

BUT I... SHE'S LYING.

NO, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT
TO GET ATTENTION.

HOW CAN YOU SAY
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

HOW DARE YOU, CHERYL?
I HAVE LIFE INSIDE OF ME.

PROVE IT.
PROVE YOU'RE PREGNANT.

CHERYL, WHAT IF...
WHAT IF SHE'S... PROVE IT!

FINE, IF IT'LL
MAKE YOU SHUT UP.

HERE. HERE.

READ THE DOUBLE
PINK LINES.

(crying) IS THAT
PREGNANT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

(gasps)

LOOK, THAT'S JUST HER HORMONES
TALKIN', ALL RIGHT,

NOT ALL YOU GUYS YELLIN' AT HER
AND CALLIN' HER A LIAR...

ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

OH.

(crying)
OH, HONEY,

IS... IS THAT WHY YOU WANTED
MOM TO STAY WITH YOU?

(crying gibberish)

WHAT?

THAT MEANS, "YES."

(crying gibberish)

OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.

"YES, YOU HEARTLESS
WICKED WITCH."

OH, I KNOW, I KNOW.
JIM GOT ME ALL WORKED UP

ABOUT BEING
THE PREMIER COUPLE.

YOU KNOW,
I'M STARTING TO THINK

YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT HIM ALL ALONG.

YES, I WAS.

CHERYL?
YEAH?

CHERYL, DID YOU ALREADY
APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SISTER?

I DID. I JUST HOPE
SHE CAN FORGIVE ME.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S
GONNA TAKE SOME TIME. I KNOW.

WELL, MAYBE
YOU WOULD FEEL BETTER

IF I HELPED YOU PICK OUT
SOME NAMES.

(Cheryl) OH.

LIKE, IF IT'S A GIRL,
HOW ABOUT LUCY?

OH. (imitating Ricky
Ricardo) FOR, "LUCY,

"YOU GOT SOME
EXPLAINING TO DO!"

ALL RIGHT, MISTER, YOU GET
YOUR SCARF AND YOUR MITTENS.

YOU MEET ME OUT BACK. WE'RE
GONNA SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN.

(imitates Ricky Ricardo)
OH, YEAH, LUCY, RICKY?

(normal voice) WHAT'S THIS?
I FOUND THIS IN THE BATHROOM

ON THE FLOOR.
(Cheryl gasps)

HERE'S YOUR BABY!

YOU DREW THE PINK LINES?

WELL, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW
THAT PEN IS MINE?

"FROM THE OFFICE
OF DR. RYAN GIBSON.

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS."

CHERYL, CARE TO JOIN ME?
I WOULD LOVE TO.

(both) BAM! BAM! BAM!

CHERYL, NOW IF YOU'LL JOIN ME,
LET'S GO TELL YOUR MOTHER. YES.

HOLD UP, JIM, BEFORE YOU GO,
YOU SHOULD CHECK YOUR WATCH.

WHY?
BECAUSE IT IS GO TIME.

(gasps) RYAN, HONEY!
OH! OH! OH!

(yelling continues)
BOY, THAT CHERYL...

NOT BELIEVIN'
HER OWN SISTER.

YOU KNOW, POPS, I'M KINDA GLAD
YOU WEREN'T HERE TO SEE THAT.

HEY, MAGGIE,
DANA'S NOT...

(yelling continues)
WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE?

AH, A LITTLE ROUGHHOUSING.

A LITTLE?
AND THAT DANA...

STEALIN' THE SPOTLIGHT
FROM BABY JESUS.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU GOT
ONE GOOD ONE LEFT, MOM.

OOH!
MOM... OOH!

MOMMY!
(Maggie) OH.

MAGGIE.

MOM?

MAGGIE, WAKE UP.

DANA'S NOT PREGNANT.

THERE YOU GO.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

OH, THANK YOU, RYAN. OH.

THANK GOODNESS WE HAVE A DOCTOR
IN THE FAMILY, HUH, MOM?

AH, YES. WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT? IT'S MY FIRST AID KIT.

YEAH.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT OPENED
THE DOOR RIGHT INTO HER. COME ON.

JUST STOP IT! STOP.

OH, LORD, COMPETING
FOR MY AFFECTION?

CHRISTMAS IS A TIME

WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO THINK
ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE,

AND ALL YOU ARE DOING
IS THINKING ABOUT YOURSELVES.

I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.

BUT NOT ME. RIGHT, MOM?

YES, ANDY,
YOU'RE MY GOOD BOY.

YES. BOO-YAH!

ALTHOUGH WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE A LONG TALK

ABOUT THAT FILTHY MAGAZINE
I FOUND IN YOUR BATHROOM.

IT'S ANIME, GOD.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, MAGGIE,
YOU'RE RIGHT.

(sighs)

YOU'RE RIGHT. W-WE'VE BEEN
ACTIN' VERY, VERY SELFISHLY.

YEAH, WE ACTED CRAZY,
AND WE'RE SORRY.

YEAH,
THE TRUTH IS, MAGGIE,

THAT CHERYL AND I HAVE
HAD YOU FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS,

AND IT'S TIME TO SHARE YOU
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO HAVE A CHANCE.

YOU KNOW, AND THAT'S HARD
FOR ME TO SAY

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I GREW UP WITHOUT A FATHER,

AND I DON'T HAVE THE GREATEST
RELATIONSHIP WITH MY OWN MOTHER,

BUT I DO WITH YOU.

MM.

YOU KNOW, NOT EVERY FAMILY

GETS TO HAVE SOMEONE
LIKE YOU...

SOMEONE
WHO YOU DON'T FIGHT WITH,

BUT YOU'RE WILLING
TO FIGHT FOR.

MM.

Y-YOU KNOW...

(Cheryl)
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

CHERYL, IT'S ONLY FAIR.

WHAT,
YOUR CHRISTMAS ANGEL?

MOM, WHEN YOU GAVE THIS TO US,

IT REALLY MADE ME FEEL
PART OF THIS FAMILY...

AND, RYAN, I-I THINK
YOU SHOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY.

WOW, JIM, I-I REALLY
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

HOW 'BOUT,
UH, MERRY CHRISTMAS?

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

RIGHT OVER HERE.

JIM...
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

OH, THANK YOU, MAGGIE.
NOW THAT'S THE KIND OF LOVE

YOU WANT TO BE AROUND
DURING THE HOLIDAYS,

AND THE ONLY GIFT
I EVER WANT AT CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YOU, TOO, SWEETHEART.

OH, WOW, IT'S LATE.

MOM,
YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

UH, I AM, BUT
WITH ALL THE FIGHTING,

I'VE LOST TRACK
OF WHERE I'M STAYING.

OH, WELL, MOM,
THAT'S UP TO YOU.

UH, RYAN, DO YOU HAVE
PAIN PILLS? OF COURSE.

I'M STAYING WITH THEM.
GREAT.

(laughs)

OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

(Cheryl) GOOD NIGHT. AND I'LL BE
BACK FIRST THING IN THE MORNING

TO SEE THE KIDS OPEN THEIR
PRESENTS. (Cheryl) ALL RIGHT. LOVE YOU.

OKAY.
LOVE YOU, TOO.

WOW, BUDDY,
THAT WAS A GREAT SPEECH.

GOT ME RIGHT
IN THE OLD TICKER.

DAMN IT!

I THOUGHT THE ANGEL THING
WAS GONNA WORK FOR SURE.

I THOUGHT I HAD HER!

THAT WAS THE GREATEST
PERFORMANCE OF MY LIFE!

WAIT, JIM, YOU DIDN'T MEAN
WHAT YOU SAID?

OF COURSE, I MEANT IT.

I WAS JUST NOT GONNA
SAY IT TO ANYBODY.

I WANTED TO WIN.
OH.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
WE GOT EASTER.

WE GOTTA WIN MAGGIE BACK
AT EASTER.

MM-HMM.
OKAY, START THINKIN'.

START GIVIN' ME
SOME THINKIN' MUSIC.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

(playing "What Child Is This?)
HAY. THE COLORED HAY.

WE'RE GONNA NEED
LOTS OF THAT.

AND BUNNIES...
LOTS OF LITTLE BUNNIES.

(Cheryl) JIM.

AND CHOCOLATE, BUT
YOU'RE RIGHT. NOT BIG ENOUGH.

HOW 'BOUT AN EASTER EGG HUNT
IN THE BACK...