According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 7 - Plot Twist - full transcript

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Well, I think that was the first family
gathering where I didn't see great Uncle Ray

with a drink in his hand.

Well, it was a closed casket.

I can't believe
that Uncle Ray is dead.

He was so full of life.

Too full of life, Mom.

A 93-year-old should not be
playing with a nail gun.

Especially with a
drink in his other hand.

Hey, Maggie, I'm so sorry
your Uncle Ray passed away.

I mean, that's the only
reason we got to see you, huh?

Well, on the positive side,



I got a great deal
on the bereavement fare.

Oh, good for you.

Hey, if we're lucky, maybe
someone will kick around Christmas,

and you can come back
and see the kids.

I can't believe you!

There is nothing wrong with
taking home a funeral arrangement.

Flowers are
for the living, Dana.

Well, what about
the deli platter?

Salami's also
for the living, Dana.

You know, I got to tell you,
this funeral business is a racket.

I mean, this one cost $10,000.

Cheryl, listen, when I die,
I don't want you to be afraid

to go around and
get a good price.

Don't be afraid to haggle.
And remember...



I know, I know.

Cell phone in the
coffin just in case. Yes.

Well, Jim, thank heavens
when your time comes,

the arrangements will
already be taken care of.

What are you talking
about, Maggie?

We've had a family plot
for years.

See, you are gonna be
right next to Cheryl.

Dana will be next
to her husband, God willing,

and Andy will be next to...

His special friend.

Mom, I'm not gay.

How many times do I
have to tell you that?

Just once on your
wedding day. To a woman!

Cheryl, isn't it enough
that I have to spend

every day eating breakfast,
lunch, and dinner

with your family?

Now I got to spend
eternity with them?

You do know
we're still in the room?

You're always in the room.
That's my point.

Oh, I don't want to talk about
death anymore. It's too depressing.

Can we talk about how
Mom thinks Andy's gay?

You hide one Broadway cast album
under your bed, they never let it go.

Jim, I just don't get
what the big deal is.

I thought you liked my mom.

I love your mother.
She's the greatest.

But this is not about her.
This is about our family.

This is about, why shouldn't
we have a family plot?

Look, I don't want to be a
branch on someone else's tree.

I want to be the trunk.

Jim, have you seen yourself?
You're almost all trunk.

Honey, it's the family plot.

I just always assumed we'd
all be buried there together.

Honey, it's really important to
my mom. Important to your mom?

Honey, what about me what's
important to me, your husband?

You know, you got to
make a decision.

Are you a wife
and a mother first,

or are you some lady's daughter?

Why can't I be both?

Cheryl, because you can't
be with everybody.

This isn't Costa Rica where we
live in a big hut and eat bananas.

That is offensive to my
family. And Costa Rica.

I'm just trying to tell you
that I would choose you first

over my family.

Jim, we've met your family.

That's not a strong argument.

You haven't met them all.

The fun ones are in prison.

But I would still choose
you over them any day.

Okay, okay, I see your
point. We'll get our own plot.

I just have to talk to my mom.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, you're gonna talk to Mom.

Yeah, why?

You're scared of her.

It's okay. We all are.

I'm thinking about going gay

just so I don't disappoint her.

I can stand up to Mom
whenever I want.

I just choose my battles.

Well, choose this one.

I will. I will. I'm gonna
go upstairs right now,

and I'm gonna tell
that woman what's what.

That a girl!

Just as soon as I make
her favorite lunch.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom,
zoom, zoom, zoom! (LAUGHS)

You are such a cute boy.

He looks so much older.
It's like he's a different kid.

But Grandma loves you.

I love you, too, Grandma.

Oh, my sweet boy.

Because you buy me stuff.

Oh.

Boy, kids really
love their new toys.

I guess once you get boobs,
you have to buy your own gifts.

Grandma, I wish you were staying
here instead of at Uncle Andy's.

I know. I'll stay
here the next time.

So, can we come over
and do a slumber party?

We'll do it Friday night.

I'm sorry, but
shouldn't that question

be directed to the
actual home owner?

I mean, I pay the
bills, I call the shots.

I lent you the down payment.

Extra pillows
in the hall closet.

Okay, so Friday night it is.

And, Andy, you know you can
sleep over here with Jim and Kyle.

See if I show you how
to turn on the heat.

What?

It's all set then.
It'll be all us girls,

including Mommy and Aunt Dana.

BOTH: Cool! Yay!

Are you free Friday night, Dana?

Am I free?

Well, thank you, Mom, for asking

and not just assuming
that I have no life,

like everyone else
in this house does.

6:00?

I'll come at 5:00 and
help you set up. Oh.

Mom, um, I need to talk
to you about something.

Well, of course, honey. Come
on, come on, sit down. Scoot, scoot.

Ow, ow.

You hear that, Andy?

Cheryl needs to talk to Mom.

I wonder what she
needs to say so badly.

Hmm.
Let's watch.

Well...

What I have to say is...

How about that lunch, huh?

Oh, honey, that was
just a wonderful meal.

With fresh ingredients,
it would have been perfect.

So, Cheryl, what did you
want to talk to Mom about?

Well, Dana,
it's kind of private.

Oh, I get it.
We should go.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh,
but before we do,

we just want to take
this opportunity to say

thank you, Mother.

Thank you for making
us a part of the burial plot.

You have cared for us
from cradle to grave.

And beyond.

Get out!
Okay!

I have a feeling in a minute

the gay son's
not gonna look so bad.

Mom, what I want
to tell you is, um,

how happy we are
that you're here,

'cause it's so important
to spend time together

when you're, you know, living.

Because you just never know
where you're gonna end up

when you're dead.

I do. We'll all end up together
in the family burial plot.

Um, interesting
you bring that up.

Jim and I don't want
to be buried in your plot.

You want some lemonade?
Of course you do. I'll go get it.

What did you just say?

About the lemonade, or...

No, about the plot,
the family burial plot.

Oh. You are not gonna
let that go, are you?

Um, well, Mom, Jim and I
were thinking about

maybe, um, you know, sort
of maybe getting our own plot.

No, no, no! No!

We're not thinking about it.

We are doing it!

If that's okay.

Well, I suppose if
that's what you want,

I certainly can
respect your wishes.

Really?
Yes, yes.

Oh, Mom!
Oh, my God!

Oh, I thought you were gonna
lay some sort of guilt trip on me.

Oh, no! For heaven's
sakes, not at all.

I mean, just because I
love you and raised you

and suffered through 40 hours
of labor with you, you know.

Besides, you know,
it really is for the best.

I mean, I have been
alone since your father died,

and I don't know if
I could really adjust

to all my loved ones being
around me now anyhow.

Aw, Mom...

No, no, no, no!

I am a wife and a mother first
and a daughter second,

and Jim and I are getting
our own plot. End of story.

Okay, I guess you've
made your decision.

Thank you.

Like when I decided
to go to work

so you could go
to private school.

I'm gonna get you that lemonade.

Remember, I only care
for the pink kind.

You will get whatever we have.

Which is pink.

So, this is all yours, huh?

Yep.

Nice, huh?

Yeah, if you don't think about the
decomposing bodies beneath our feet.

Can we get out of
here? No. Sit down.

Come on. I paid this
much for a burial plot,

I want to use the property
as much as possible.

Ruby and Gracie, they're
gonna be married here.

So, from now on, we're spending

our lunch hours in a graveyard?

Just till the first snow.

Oh, you.

I will say, sitting here does
put things into perspective.

Yeah. Life's
precious, huh?

Cheesecake?

In a minute.

I'm gonna let
the corn dog settle first.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's get that corn dog
moving a little bit.

Come on, go long.
Go on. Go long.

Longer.

Longer. All right,
to the left.

Left. To the right.
By the angel, by the angel.

Throw the damn ball!

Come on, button hook,
button hook!

ANDY: Nice throw, Shirley.

Well, you were running
all over the place.

Oh, my God.

Jim, get over here
right now. What?

Come here. Hurry.

I'm hurrying.

JIM: Wow.
Yeah.

Bronko Nagurski.

We're standing on the grave of
the greatest football player of all time.

Oh, my God.

(HUMMING NFL FILMS THEME TUNE)

Bronko Nagurski.

Took the Bears to two
national championships,

1932 and 1933.

Unstoppable on offense,
impassable on defense.

Andy, we are standing
on holy ground.

Hey, look, the plot
next to it's empty.

Andy?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That we steal the
tombstone? What?

It looks heavy. I think
we'll need the truck.

No, no, no, no, Andy,
stop that. Now, stop that.

We're not doing that!
Stop it! Stop it!

No. That's not
what I'm talking about.

Don't you see?
When I threw the ball to you,

Bronko intercepted it and dropped it
right here in front of his gravestone.

No, he didn't.
It was a girly throw.

It's a sign, Andy.
It's a sign.

I have to be buried right here.

Jim, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about trading
my space next to Cheryl

for this one right here. I'm
gonna be buried right here!

Really?

Yeah.

Andy, this is
my field of dreams.

Yes.

This is God's reward
for being a devoted Bears fan

all my life.

Jim, I don't think Cheryl's
gonna be okay with this.

Ahh. She won't know
about it till I'm dead.

We all know I'm going
way before her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So, you're just gonna die

and leave me alone
with all these women?

I said I'm gonna go before
Cheryl, not before you.

Whew. Thanks,
buddy. That means a lot.

That gets me right
there in the old ticker.

Of course, that might be
the eight corn dogs.

Run it off.
Yeah?

Yeah, go. Go long.

That's it. A little longer.
Too far, too far.

By the stone there. All
right. To the right, to the right.

CHERYL: Just think

in the years to come,
this tree will provide

shade when my grandchildren
come to pay their respects.

Hey, wouldn't it be dramatic
if you died in the autumn

when the leaves were
at their peak colors?

That would be so cool.

So, which are your plots?

Well, I'm here, and Jim's here.

Oh, 'cause that's how you
sleep in bed. I get it. Very cute.

No, no, in bed he's on my right

'cause it's farthest
from the window

where the tree moves and
looks like a man with an axe.

Hmm. So, that's
Jim's plot? Yeah.

Oh!

What? Cheryl, it's only
disrespectful if he's already dead.

Dana! Come on, try it. It's fun.

No.

Oh, for God's sake.
What?

Who'd eat a cheesecake
in a cemetery?

Oh, and there's teeth marks
in the wax paper.

Ew.
Pigs.

Hey, what are you doing?

Got a funeral here tomorrow.
Got to start digging.

Oh, no. No, that's where my
husband's gonna be buried.

Oh. I'm very sorry
for your loss.

So, uh, how long do you plan
to wait before you start dating?

He's not dead.
There's been a mistake.

Are you sure? When's
the last time you saw him?

He's not dead!

Well, it says here this plot
was sold yesterday

when its owner traded it
for a different location.

Traded it?

Strange, huh?

Not in my world.

How about you?
Hmm?

Are you single?

You're a gravedigger.

And you asked me second.

This is really good, Ruby.

Hey, just make sure on this
branch of the family tree

that you leave a lot of room
under my name for my future kids.

Just do it!

Hey!
Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

I thought it was
girls night out.

That I'm hosting
but not invited to.

It is.
Mom's taking a nap.

We're going over
in a few minutes.

Yeah, we're doing a family tree,

'cause, you know,
since the funeral

the girls wanted to know
who they're related to.

Oh.

Look, there's Grandma
Maggie and Grandpa Gordon.

And next to Mommy there's
Aunt Dana and Uncle Andy.

Oh, isn't it so cute?

Honey, show Daddy where he is.

Mommy put you way over here...

Next to Bronko Nagurski.

This can't be a coincidence.

You know something.

Okay, girls, let's get
ready for your sleepover.

Daddy's bright idea's
about to hit the fan.

If you guys fight,
I want you to do it

before you come over
to my place.

I don't want you wrecking
all my new Versace china.

Okay, I see where
the gay thing's coming from.

Hi. Did you think I
wouldn't find out?

Of course I didn't think
you would find out.

That's why I do these things.

You wanted me to
stand up to my mother

so we could have our own plot,

and now you're not even
gonna be buried next to me?

Cheryl, Cheryl, it was part
of God's divine plan.

You see, I threw the football,

and it dropped right
in front of Bronko's grave.

It's a sign, don't you see?

Oh, God, I'm sure it was
just a girly throw.

Cheryl!

What was all that stuff about
me being a wife and mother first?

What about you being
a husband and a father?

I still am a husband
and a father.

It just so happens
that I'm being buried

next to a really cool guy.

Honey, you're gonna be
first and 10 away.

I don't believe you.

Cheryl, Bronko is my hero.

You know what?
Why don't we find out

where Betty Crocker's
buried, all right?

And then we'll get the slot
next to her for you!

Betty Crocker?

Yeah! It's a great deal. She's
the one that made all the cakes

and sewed the first flag.

It'll be really cool for you.

We're ready for our
sleepover, Mommy!

I will too have a lot of kids,

and they're gonna be
a lot cuter than you!

Well, Jim, I hope you're happy

spending the afterlife
next to your precious

Bruno Nagonki.

Cheryl, Cheryl, please wait.

It's Bronko Nagurski.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Mac.

Bronko?
Yep.

Oh, Bronko.

I got a million
questions for you.

Hey, is it really true
that you had to take on

a real job in the off season?

How many bones did you break?

Hey, what's
with the leather helmet?

Come on, your head
must have stunk

by the end of a game, huh?

Hey, Jim, relax.

We got a lot of time to talk.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're right.

Oh, man.

I'm just so excited.

I can't wait to tell Cheryl

I got to talk
to Bronko Nagurski!

Cheryl? What are you
talking about?

It's just you and me, buddy.

Forever.

Yeah.

Forever's a long time.

Yep.

That's why they call it forever.

(SIGHS)

Cheryl!
What?

Wake up. Wake up.
Is Kyle okay?

Yeah, no, no, Kyle's fine.

He's with Andy.

(SIGHS)

It's me.

I can't sleep.

That's it. Tomorrow we're
cutting down that creepy tree.

It's not the tree.

What is it?

I've been thinking that
maybe perhaps possibly

I might have
misinterpreted that sign.

You mean the one where God
told you to screw me over? Yeah.

Yeah, that's the one.

You know, I woke up
and you weren't next to me,

and I started thinking that...

I don't know, what if you
weren't next to me, like, forever?

We're supposed to be together.

I want to be traded
back to the home team.

Oh, honey.

There's just one problem.
What?

You sold your plot, so
now I'm spending eternity

next to
Mavis Sutcliffe Eldridge.

Yeah, that is a problem.

Well,

what if we just sell our plots

and get your mom's family plot?

But, honey, I made
such a big deal about it.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know, just wait
for the right time,

and then bring it up.

(GASPS)
Oh! What?

Maggie.
You're awake.

Ha.

Cheryl wanted to talk to you.

Oh. What's wrong,
sweetheart?

Well, Mom, we want to
be buried in the family plot

with you, and that's the way
it's gonna be, end of story.

All right, honey.
Good night.

Ha!

I know she got exactly what she
wanted, but I did it on my terms.

Come on, get in here and keep
me warm. It's freezing in this house.

I know. It's like the
heat's not even turned on.

I know.

Well, this is sweet.
Mmm.

You know what? As
long as I'm next to you,

I don't care who else is around.

Do you think in the afterlife

you could be
a little more quiet?

Cheryl. Cheryl!

We got to switch
places right away.

(STAMMERING) I got
to switch places with you.

There's a man with
an axe in the window.

Shh!
No, not again, honey.

It's a tree.
Go to sleep.

Oh.

Like this, Uncle Andy?

Ah, that's great, buddy.

Have a party at my house
and not invite me. Ha!

Sweet dreams, ladies. (CHUCKLES)

I really need help.