According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Garage Door - full transcript

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ALL: Oh...
How old is he now?

Almost five months.

Oh, he's five... Is he
the cutest baby, Dana?

He is so adorable.

He's adorable. Oh!

You know what?

I don't like those
self-flushing toilets either.

Why not?

Because I like
to make the decision.

Hey, hey, honey.
You know Sheila.

We were talking about her
last night, remember?



Remember? Remember?

Of course!

Hey, Sheila!
Hi, Jim.

Well, hello, Sheila.

Mmm.

Husband still in the picture?

Uh, yes.

Ah. Really?

'Cause when I walked in
here and looked at you,

you seemed kinda flirty.

I'm just sayin'...

Well, Sheila, Sheila, Sheila,

will you look at you?

You look great.



Doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

So, when's the baby due?

Huh? Ooh, look at you.

Looks like it's
gonna be a big one!

Oh, yeah!
Look at you!

Yes, you are!
Yes, you are!

Jim. Jim.

I'm trying to bond
with the baby, Cheryl.

Baby, baby, baby, doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo!

I think it's gonna be twins.

Actually, Jim,

I already had the baby.

Five months ago. Hey.

Are you sure?

I thought I felt a kick.

Oh, you will later.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Okay, Sheila, we'll see
you at the charity auction,

which is gonna be great.

And you know why?
'Cause you're great.

And you look great!

Okay! Bye-bye.
Uh-huh, okay.

What the hell is
the matter with you?

What?

I told you last night
how depressed Sheila is

'cause she hasn't
lost her baby weight.

Don't you remember?

All I remember hearing was,
"Sheila," "weight," "baby,"

so when I saw her,

I figured "Sheila's
waiting for her baby."

Oh!

In Jim's defense, she could
use a few more crunches.

Do you have mirrors
in your house?

Yes, I do.

'Cause I'm a player, and I
gots to know how fly I look.

CHERYL: No, no, no, no.
JIM: Cheryl...

Cheryl, no.

Jim, answer me this.
Cheryl...

How come you can
remember every sports statistic

in history, but you can't
remember one simple thing

I told you last night?

Because men are programmed
to remember certain stuff

and not remember other stuff.

Oh, come on.

Come on, Cheryl, it's
just simple biology.

Where'd you read that, The New
England Journal of Stupid Excuses?

Just admit you weren't
listening to me!

I was listening, Cheryl.
I just didn't take it in.

Like I don't when
you go yammering on

about, you know, I don't know,

drapes and hairdressing or Dana.

All I hear is this
kind of whooshing sound.

You know, like when
you're at the beach

and you put a shell
up to your ear.

Okay, okay, you know...
If it's biology,

how come Andy hears me
when I talk about that stuff?

Actually, I don't.
Mmm-mmm.

I just smile and
nod, but all I hear

is this hellish buzzing.

I really wish I had
the beach thing.

Yeah.

Well, when I was your age,
I had the buzzing,

but the beach thing is coming.

Oh.

That is a load.

You made a conscious
decision not to listen.

Cheryl, the male brain
is wired for, like,

sports stats and
technical stuff.

And the female brain
is wired to take in

feelings and
recipes and fashion.

You know, Cheryl, he's right.

Like today, when I met with the CEO
of the First Union Bank of Chicago,

all I could think was, "My belt
matches my shoes. Hooray!"

Cheryl, think about it, will ya?

Okay, for example, how
many times have I told you

how to reset the garage door

when the circuit
breaker trips? Well...

Mmm-hmm. Or how to program
your own cell phone.

Or, let us not forget about

the very super-complicated
fire extinguisher.

I saved your life that day!

You set that fire that day!

Hey, you said get
rid of the old tires.

You did not say how.

Cheryl, it's not your fault
that you can't hear me.

It's just like I can't hear you

when you yammer on
about some fat broad

and her postpartum depression.

Oh!

Okay, now I understand
about the hellish buzzing sound.

You know what, Jim?
Now because of you,

we're gonna have to buy
something really expensive

at Sheila's charity dinner.

Sorry, all I heard was,

whoosh...

Whoosh...

(IMITATES SEAGULL)

"Dinner!"

Oh!

BOTH: (IN A SING-SONG
VOICE) We're going on a sleepover!

We're going on a sleepover!

Not soon enough!
Not soon enough!

All right, you guys, come on,

everybody in the car.
We're gonna be late.

Come on, let's go. We got
to drop the kids off,

and help Sheila set up the
auction in like 20 minutes.

Yeah, that's why I said
the running late part.

Oh, man, I left my purse
and keys on the counter.

Oh, shoot!
What?

Oh, the door's locked.
But it's okay.

I can get in through the front,

'cause Jim keeps a
spare key in a secret spot.

Under the mat?

Yeah.

(CLICKS)

Whoa! What was that?

Oh, nothing. The
circuit just blew.

Oh, no!
No, no, no, it's fine.

I just have to
flip a switch. See?

Okay, still not moving. I think
it's supposed to be moving.

Oh... That's the problem.

It's not moving.
Thank you, Dana.

We're gonna be late.

No, no, I just have
to reset the system.

Like Jim showed me.

Yeah, you just got to, um...

The buttons...

You were there when Jim
explained it, weren't you?

Yeah, but all I heard
was "keypad, buttons,"

and then that all faded away,

and I heard Donna Summer
singing "MacArthur Park."

Oh, oh, I know.

(STUTTERS)

And we're out!

And we're not.

We're locked in the
garage. (GROANS)

Are we gonna die, Mommy?

I never even kissed a boy.

No, no, no.
Honey, no, no, no.

Mommy's gonna figure it out.

Mommy!
CHERYL: Yeah?

I have to go pee-pee!

Mommy's gonna
figure it out fast.

(SIGHS) Yeah, because
we only have 20 minutes.

No, no, no, no.

Because Jim can't be right
about men's and women's brains.

Because if Jim is
right about this,

he'll think he's right
about everything,

and I cannot sit
there and listen

to how we're 10 years away

from the great ape rebellion.

Now come on, I need
you to help me.

All right.
We can do this.

Yes.

(SIGHS)

I think the secret
is in these buttons.

You know, the
green one's pretty,

and green means go...

Ha-ha!

No.

Oh, green and blue together,

'cause green and
blue makes teal.

(SINGING MACARTHUR PARK)

(BOTH SINGING LOUDLY)

Mom! Mom! Mom!

I want to go to our sleepover!

I still have to go pee-pee!

When Jimmy Burke pulled my hair,

I should have kissed
him! I'm such an idiot!

You know what, Dana?
This is ridiculous.

We should be able
to get out of a garage.

We are two highly
intelligent women.

Right.

Let's go bang on the door
and scream for help.

Help! Let us out!

We're sexy and grateful!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna starve to death!

No, we won't.
We can eat Kyle.

No, I'm going to eat you!

Okay, okay, nobody's
gonna eat anybody.

There's enough Corn Flakes
on the floor of the minivan

to keep us fed for a month.

(GRUNTS)

What are you doing?

I am making a command decision.

Your leadership
is getting us nowhere.

I'm gonna bust
a hole in this door.

You are not gonna
destroy my garage door!

All right, fine. Then
we can just sit here

and wait for someone
to discover us.

Like Jim.

Give me that.

All right, kids, stand back.

Mommy's got...
Some kind of hammer.

KIDS: Mommy!
Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy! Mom...

DANA: All right.

Okay. All right, girls.

Go out front, get the spare
key, open the front door,

and come back around here.

Got it?
Got it.

Ha! This is how
a woman takes charge.

Yeah.

Okay, but how are we gonna
get the car out of the garage?

We'll take your car.

Well, what about when
Jim comes home from work?

He's gonna see the hole.

Dana, Jim is going right
to the auction from work.

So we'll come home early,

park your car in
front of the hole.

I'll get it fixed tomorrow.
Jim will never know.

Wow.

Living with Jim has really
taught you a lot. Mmm-hmm.

All bad, but a lot.

That stupid garage door!

You know, this has nothing to
do with men's and women's brains.

Mmm-mmm. Nobody
could figure that out.

No way. No.

(BUTTONS BEEPING)

What?

All fixed, Mommy.

Oh, my God.

A 4-year-old.

No, a 4-year-old boy.

If he knew how to do that,
why didn't he tell us?

Typical man.
Can't communicate.

Jim can never find out
we were let out by a boy.

Who's now peeing
in the driveway.

Wow, he really had to go.

Yeah. Still going.

Hi, Mrs. Johnson.

JIM: Oh, I can't believe
I got to wear a tie

to this stupid fundraiser.

Why didn't Cheryl tell me?

She did. I was
right there.

You actually heard her?

Yeah.

She was holding a cookie.
Somehow it made me focus.

Right, right.

And I had already had my cookie.

Whoa, whoa, Jim.
Check it out.

What the hell is this?

Looks like someone
broke into your garage.

Who'd wanna break
into the garage?

Apparently someone very small.

Did you get in a fight
with a little person?

Yeah, but that was years ago.

And in my defense,
it was St. Patrick's Day.

Like if you're gonna be
that sensitive, stay home.

Hey!
What?

Don't, don't, don't...
Don't touch the panel.

You wanna contaminate
the crime scene?

Oh, Andy, it's not a...

No, no, no. What
we need to do...

Take pictures before
anything's disturbed.

Hey! Get one of me
with the evidence.

(SNIFFING)

Is it me, or...

It smells like
somebody peed out here.

Oh, that's pee.
Yeah. And it's fresh.

A criminal always
has a signature, Jim,

and he's trying
to tell us something.

What? What? What? What?
What is it?

Whiz, tinkle... Urine!

Urine.

You're in trouble.

You're in deep.

You're in... sane.

Well, everything
looks all right.

They didn't get
the band equipment.

Hold it.

Maybe we've been asking
ourselves the wrong question

all this time.

Maybe we've been off the
scent from the very beginning.

Andy, the very beginning
was two minutes ago.

I see you're gonna be no
help in this investigation.

Come on, that's what
they want you to think.

Well, come on,
what do you want...

(WITH BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh. Hello!

Well, looky what we have here.

(NORMAL VOICE) Sometimes
the most obvious clues

are the ones that
aren't even there.

What are you trying to say?

Damn it, Jim, open your eyes!

What? They're open!

Someone didn't break
into your garage, man.

Someone broke out of it.

Observe.

See all the particles?
They're on the outside.

But yet the garage floor
is completely clean.

(GASPS) And look at this.

Your sledgehammer isn't
stored in its place

with its fellow tools.

It was an inside job, man!

So let's stop playing
these silly games!

Well, if somebody wanted
to get out of the garage,

why didn't they just
open the garage door?

Come on, son. Put
the pieces together.

Take the training wheels off.

Lose the diaper. Put on
the big boy pants.

All right.

Think.

Well, unless the
garage door... Come on.

The garage door was... was
broken! Uh-huh. You want it.

It didn't work.

Let's do it.
And then they would just...

Say it!

They would just
reset the system,

unless they couldn't!

Because... Because
"they" was a woman!

And they never listen
to your instructions

no matter how many
times you repeat it!

Who?

Cheryl!

Cheryl.

Hickory dickory right.

Ha, ha. Well, well, well.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, watching all those
cop shows paid off, huh?

Oh, yeah. And if I
meet a lucky lady,

maybe watching the Spice
channel will pay off, too.

Yeah.

I got a lot of techniques.

I'm tired of using
'em on myself.

SHEILA: Going once...

Going twice...

$200!
$200!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)
SHEILA: Once?

Twice?

Sold for $200!

Thank you.

Dana, Dana, sit down.

What are you going to
do with a sea kayak?

But, Cheryl, don't you get it?

Now instead of just
being boring old Dana,

I'm gonna be the
intriguing girl with a kayak.

Oh...

Excuse me.
Do you kayak?

I do.

Go on.

Hey, babe!

Hey! Hi!

So, so, everything cool at home?

Cool as a cucumber.

Yeah, and the kids...

They got to their
sleepover okay?

No problem. S'all good.

Oh, honey.

Look at you. You
remembered your tie.

Well, I felt so bad about
that unfortunate incident

with our good
friend Charlotte...

Sheila.
Sheila.

That I have decided
that, you know what?

I'm gonna focus
on listening to you,

because that's
what you do for me.

I mean, honey,
I was way off base

with all that poppycock
about women and men

not hearing each other.

There you go again, Jim,

with one of your
crackpot theories.

Lock this man up.

I'm telling you, when the apes
take over the planet in 10 years,

they're gonna keep me
around just for the laughs!

Oh, honey. Really,
you know what?

It's not a problem. And in
honor of tonight's charity event,

I'm gonna take the high
road and not rub it in.

Well, I can rub it in. I'm
a low road kind of person.

Next we have a last-minute
item from our very good friends

Jim and Andy at
Ground Up Design.

CHERYL: Honey!

I didn't know you
donated something.

That is so sweet.

Well, I felt so bad

about what happened with Sheila.

I mean, so
she's fat. Right?

Why should the
community center suffer?

Wow, that's... That's
very sensitive of you.

Hey, Sheila, do you mind
if Andy and I take this one?

We can do this one, right, Andy?

Yeah.

Hey, Sheila, thank you.

Hey, how about it
for Sheila here, huh?

Doesn't she look great?

She just had a baby last week.

It was five months ago.

Yeah, work with me
here, will you?

All right, all right, all right,

we're gonna raise some
money right now, aren't we?

Aren't we gonna
raise some money?

All right, let's get
right to the bidding

on one of the best
items this evening.

It is a fantastic
automatic garage door!

JIM: Yes, yes.

And along with this

goes a lifetime guarantee,

so if for some reason the
door should fail on you,

you can either call me,

like a normal person...

Or, you can break out
with this nifty little

emergency exit device!

'Cause this is
what my wife uses.

Right, Cheryl?

JIM: Honey?

Can we put a light on
my lovely wife, please?

JIM: Cheryl?

Can you hear me?

Because I can repeat it
if you want me to.

JIM: Cheryl?

Dana, you got to
get me out of here.

Dana? Dana?

Like most girls
right out of college,

I kayaked through Europe.

And it's so much fun.

(DANA SIGHS)

What are you doing?

I'm tripping the whatchamacallit

so I can reset the thingamajig.

If Kyle can do it, so can I.

I refuse to be
shown up by someone

who's afraid of the vacuum.

(GRUNTING)

So, this cool here?

My condo doesn't
allow us to have pets

or giant things we'll
never use, so...

Yeah, whatever.

What's she doing?

We're having a
lesbian pillow fight.

What else does it look like?

Cheryl...

Cheryl...
No!

Cheryl, please, will
you just let it go?

Jim, go to bed. I'm
gonna figure this out.

Honey, I love you to death,

I really do, but you know what?

You're never gonna
figure it out.

Well, maybe if you'd
shine a spotlight on me.

Oh, please, honey.

Jim, it's in my brain.

I just need to access it.

Cheryl, Cheryl, listen to me.

You're not gonna
be able to access it.

Actually, if I give you
the instructions right now,

you still won't
be able to open it.

That is crap.

All right, fine.

I'll give you the
instructions right now.

Okay.

All right.

Press the reset button
down for three seconds,

press pound,

6, star, pound,

then press the
garage door button,

and then it'll open.

Got it.

Go on.

Go.

Know what it is? No, what
is it? What is it? What is it?

You went too fast!
It was a trap!

'Cause you are a trapper.

I am not a trapper! No!
You are!

Why can't you just
admit that I'm right?

No, no, no, Jim, because
you can't be right. Why?

Because...
Because my brain

can't just be full of
recipes and fabric swatches.

All right, let me ask you this.

When I was giving you
the instructions,

what were you
hearing? Be honest.

Something about a pound cake.

(LAUGHS)

A-ha!
Damn it!

Damn it!

Well, that works, too.

That is so depressing.

What?

Cheryl, come on,
what's the big deal?

Men hear things differently
than women hear things.

Why do you have to
make it into a negative?

Half the time
I'm talking to you,

you're hearing the ocean.

How is that a positive?

There is so much crap
that goes on during the day,

it's impossible for one
person to take that all in.

That's why you and I
are good for each other.

So, that's your big
advertisement for marriage?

Get married so someone will
catch all the crap you miss?

Yeah, that and, uh,
the sex part, too.

Oh, honey...

What?

All right, I guess it's not
so bad that we're different.

No.

I'll tell you this, though.

I'm happy I'm the
woman. Mmm-hmm.

I really am, because,
you know, as a woman,

I rely on my inner
resources... Mmm-hmm.

...my inner beauty,
my inner strength.

(WAVES CRASHING)

You know what it is? I think
it's because I'm a life-giver.

(SEAGULLS CALLING)

(CHERYL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)