According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Grill - full transcript

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It must be nice having Jim cook
dinner, giving you the night off.

Yeah, I'll remember that when
I'm scraping out the grease tray.

Okay, what you and Jim do in the
bedroom is none of my business.

Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no,
no, no. You have to go change.

Those are for your recital.

Oh, I remember
my first dance recital.

I was nine,
and I danced Giselle.

I could have been
a professional.

Oh!

Okay, to recap, Kyle,

you always put the thickest
steak in the middle.



Where it's hotter.

And then five minutes into it,

you want to give
the steak a quarter-turn

so you get these really nice
crisscross marks on the steak.

Because you're not just
feeding the stomach...

BOTH: You're feeding the eyes.

Cook my army man.

Where?
In the middle.

Where it's hotter.

(GROWLS)
That's my boy!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, Dana?
Huh?

How do you like your army men?

Sweaty and shirtless.
Oh...



So this is that fancy new
grill you got at that drawing?

Mmm-hmm.
Man, you are lucky.

Lucky? Or does God just
like me more than other men?

Or is it having your daughters
fill out 400 entry forms?

I iced their hands.

Yeah.

Wow, Jim, you and old blue
had some good times together.

Oh, yeah.

I hate to see her go.

Hey, you want her?

Okay, sure, thanks.

200 bucks?

Oh. Uh...

Yeah, sure.

All right, deal.

Jim, honey?

Can you help me with
something in the kitchen?

Uh, I doubt it.

Kitchen.

Here you go, Andy.
You got the conn.

Aye, sir.

Ooh-hoo-hoo, I want
this big one here.

No, that one's mine.

Oh, really?
We'll see about that.

Well played.

Okay, Cheryl, make it fast.

My steaks are coming up
on the quarter-turn,

and you know how
I look forward to that.

All right, I don't think you
should sell the grill to Andy.

I think you should
give it to him.

What!
Yup.

Cheryl, are you kidding?

Grilling and money
is my territory.

Do I tell you how
to fold my underwear

or how to raise the children?

All the time.

That's because
you don't do it right.

Jim, I just think you
really put Andy on the spot.

Oh, come on!
This is a great grill.

I could take it right now
down to the mall,

walk it around for an hour,

and I'd get three bids
on it right away.

Yeah. That's what you said
about the washing machine,

and you just ended up
blocking the escalator.

Cheryl, I gave
Andy a fair price.

He accepted.
I said deal.

We shook on it.
There's no take-backs.

Yeah, and I'm sure
that would hold up

on any playground
in the country.

Honey, this is not
how you treat family.

I don't know. It just
doesn't feel right.

Giving something away
for nothing in return.

I think it's wrong. I think it goes
against every fiber of my being.

I think every cell in my
body is telling me right now,

"Hey, Jim, bad idea!"

Then it must be
the right thing to do.

You want it?
You want the big steak?

Go get it!

Hey, Andy,

look, I was thinking, uh,

since we're family and
everything, you know, I...

I think maybe you
should have the grill for...

Not anything.

What?
Free! For free.

Hey, thanks, man.

Yeah. No problem.

I guess that's what families do.

They give each other
stuff for free!

JIM: Oh, baby!

JIM: Hey, hey, hey.

You know another great thing
about that grill I gave you yesterday?

Hmm?

You could put the buns
on the warming rack.

Great. Yeah, and then
when the smoke comes up,

it makes the buns
taste like meat.

Smokey buns. Can't wait.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, hey, did you get
a chance to fire it up yet?

No, I just got it from
you last night. Oh.

I made my toast
in the toaster this morning.

Ah. Well, I can't wait
for you to fire it up.

I want to be there when it
happens. I want to see your face.

What kind of face do you
think you're going to make? Uh,

maybe something like this.

Hmm. I don't know.

Oh, hey, good.

What do we owe you?

Uh, $20 even.

Okay.

What?

It's 20 bucks,
so that's $10 each.

Oh, we're splitting it?

Yeah. We always do.

What the hell? I mean,
we're family, right?

Hey, you want to be
part of my family?

Hey, here, take a stapler.

Thanks.
For free. For free.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait a minute.

I was just trying to make
a point. Give it back to me.

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Okay, okay, take it,
take it, take it.

What's your problem? I'll
tell you what my problem is.

Is you don't even buy me lunch

the day after I give you
my old grill for free.

Okay, fine, Jim. You want me to
pay for lunch? Here, here's 10 bucks.

No, no, no. It's not
about the money.

Well, then what?

It's about appreciating
what I did for you.

Jim, I said thank you.

Geesh, you gave me
a grill, not a kidney.

Yeah, but I bet if I did
give you the kidney,

you wouldn't buy me
lunch then, either!

I know what it is.
You know what it is?

I think you feel
like you deserved it,

like you're entitled to it.

What do you want from me?

I want my $200.
What?

Or my grill back.
Your choice.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You gave me that grill,
and you can get it back

when you pry the barbecue tongs

from my cold, dead hands.

Not if I get to it first.

(CAR BEEPS)

(LAUGHS)

I want my grill!

Yes, yes, yes!
(LAUGHS)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

No, no, no!

Excuse me, Officer? Hey.

Um, I observed this miscreant
stumbling out of a bar.

Glug, glug.

Hit him with the breathalyzer.

Step out of the car,
please, sir.

What?

To the rear of the
vehicle, please.

Welcome, James.

Did you and the officer
have a nice chat?

Andy, I'm taking my grill back.

Be my guest. Neither I nor
the Countess will stop you.

But the chain might.

Advantage, Andy.

(YELPS IN PAIN)
Countess, claws!

Oh, there's my cup of coffee.

Sitting there unattended.

I think I'll partake.

Yeah, no, no. No, see,
I put the cup to my lips,

but I didn't actually drink it.

Looks like your little joke went to
summer school, because it failed.

Andy, I didn't do
anything to the coffee.

Because you were loosening
the screws on my chair.

Andy, I didn't do
anything to your chair.

Fine. But I know you're going to do
something to get me back for the grill.

Well, I'm going to have sex
with your sister. Does that count?

That stings, James.

Luckily, I have a free
grill to ease my pain.

Good morrow, kind sir.

Oh! Hey, whoa. I
almost forgot my check.

Thank you.

I'll need this so that I might convert
it into cooked meats and shellfish.

You didn't sign it.

Didn't I?

Well, that would make that
piece of paper completely useless.

And no butcher in the world would
accept that in exchange for meats.

You and the Countess
have a good weekend.

So, you're not going to pay me
until I give you the grill? Is that it?

Mmm, the price
for my signature, Andy,

is $200, or the grill
brought to my door.

And a pie.

Advantage, Jim.

Oh, there'll be
no pie today, sir.

As I recall, when you
started the company,

you made Cheryl, my sister,

an officer of the corporation.

So?

So, she can legally
sign my check.

Ooh, you want some
ointment for that burn?

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHS)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Are you kidding me?

Oh...

Twice in one week, huh, Officer?

I think you should take this
man downtown and grill him!

Oh, delicious!

I'm going to kill you, Andy!

ANDY: Oh, dear.

Officer, was that a threat?

Okay, sir, you know the drill.

What?

Rear of the vehicle, sir.

No, you're not
listening, Aunt Dana!

I said toes out!

Okay, yelling isn't going
to make me more flexible.

Just try it again.
Like it'll help.

Oh!

Hey, Cheryl, listen.
(YELLS)

Will you sign my check?

Yeah. Why didn't
Jim do this?

Who knows? He wasn't
at work today.

Makes you wonder if he's got
something on the side, doesn't it?

(TRUCK APPROACHES OUTSIDE)

It's mine!

The grill is mine!

Mine! All mine!

And to make it official,

I'm going to pee
a circle around it.

Girls, inside.
Go, go, go, go, go.

Yes, yes, yes! Yes!

What are you,
just assigned to me?

Which one of us was better
at the recital today?

I thought you were
excellent, Ruby.

Well, you didn't
say anything about me!

I know.

Dana!

You were both perfect.

Oh, yes, of course.

Hello.

Hey, Andy.

What's he doing here?
Oh...

Cheryl, these are for
your beautiful daughters,

who were so wonderful
at their recital.

(WHISPERING)
The big one's for you.

So, I didn't see you there.

No, no, I was sitting in
back with the other people

who had been given things

and then had them
taken back and peed on.

You know, it's the saddest
story in the whole world, Andy.

Boy meets grill,
boy loses grill!

You know what? This
has gone on long enough.

You guys are both
acting like babies,

and we are not
leaving this table

until you settle
this stupid grill issue.

Oh, come on.
Who's the bigger man?

Oh...

(TISKS)

Cheryl, that's
kind of hard to tell.

You got to put them both in
water and see who displaces more.

All right.
Okay. Okay. Okay.

You know what, my love?
You are absolutely right.

No, I am. I'm being
petty and childish.

Understatement.

No, really, Andy.

No one man needs two grills.

So out of the
goodness of my heart,

I'm going to give,
for free, my grill

to Dana!

What? Razzle-dazzle,
in the end zone,

yes, yes, yes!

Is Daddy going to pee again?

Dana, here's the key. It's
locked up in the backyard.

You can get it
whenever you want.

Jim, I don't even
think I have room...

Take the grill!
Okay!

It's yours, Dana.

All yours, yours, yours
for free, free, free!

So... So it's final then?

You're definitely
giving it to Dana?

Yes, I have given it to Dana.

Ooh, how delicious.

Meow!

Dana, I will purchase that grill
from you for the sum of $200.

No, $200 and a pie!

Okay.

Dana, you can't sell my grill!

Jim, I believe it's my
grill, mine, mine, mine,

and I am deciding
to sell it to my brother.

(CACKLES)

Yeah, we're making
great progress here.

Okay, we're heading over
to Andy's for dinner.

Are you sure you
don't want to come?

Cheryl, I am not
going to have the food

off that man's ill-gotten grill.

The taste of betrayal tastes...

(SMACKS LIPS)

Distasteful.

Okay. See you later.

Wait, wait, wait! Wait!

You're going to the
home of mine enemy?

He's not mine enemy.
He's mine brother.

Right. Your brother,
who shares your girly hips

and your knack for betrayal!

This is a whole lot
of crazy over $200.

It's not about the money.

It's about the
appreciation. Respect.

Oh, oh, I see, respect.

So, anybody who doesn't do
what you want, doesn't respect you?

Thank you. Your
apology is accepted.

Jim, if you cut people off every
time they don't do what you want,

you're not going
to have anybody left.

I have you and the kids.
That's all I need.

Oh, honey, that is sweet.

But I don't believe
it for a second.

All right, I'm going
to head over there,

and I really hope you'll
change your mind and join us.

I think not.

My doctor has me
on a low-betrayal diet.

Yeah, yeah. You're
betrayed. I get it, I get it.

You're going to want to sear
the meat on the outside

and then turn down the heat
and cook them nice and slow.

This is boring.

Yeah, let's go watch our video.

I don't want to give anything
away, but they find Nemo!

Hey, Dana, Cheryl.

Want me to let you in
on a little grilling secret?

BOTH: No.

Hey, Kyle...

(LET'S STAY TOGETHER PLAYING)

Hello.

Hey.

I, uh, I ran out of, uh,

Colonel Beauregard Pontchartrain's
Insanely Hot Hot Sauce.

Um, I was wondering maybe
if you had some to spare?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I think I can find
something somewhere here.

Uh, don't worry,
I'll pay you for it.

Oh, come on, Andy.

No, no, I want to. What
is it, three, four bucks?

Oh, please, Andy,
just give me a buck.

This is the grill cover.

It's guaranteed for life, and in a
pinch, it makes a decent rain poncho.

Okay. Yeah. Thanks.

I'll go get the hot sauce.

I'm bored to death over there.

Me, too, Andy.

(STAMMERING)
What are we doing?

Wasting a precious day not grilling
together, that's what we're doing.

Look, Jim, if this is how it's
going to be, I don't want the grill.

No, no, no, look...

Look, I'm not admitting
anything, all right?

But for argument's sake,

maybe I might have overreacted.

No, no, that...

That tree you pulled out
of the ground had it coming.

Andy, you really pissed me off.

And I still don't get why!

Well, because I gave
you a free grill,

and you acted like
you didn't even care.

I'm over this.
I said thank you.

I know, but that wasn't enough.

Look, Andy, I can't
give away anything

without getting something back.

We're family. That's
what families do.

Not my family.

No, I mean, look, we hardly
had anything to begin with,

so we never gave anything away.

At my grandfather's funeral,
we had to bury him naked.

So my uncle could have
a suit to wear to the funeral.

And even when I donate blood,

I get a box of cookies.

I think you're only
supposed to take one.

It's my blood!

The point is, Andy,

is when I give you something,

make a big deal out of it.

I need that. You got to make
a big deal out of it. I don't know.

Well, Jim, listen,

it's easy to make
a big deal of it

when you give me an incredible

rain poncho/grill cover
like this.

(STAMMERING) Really?
You think it's great?

Jim, hey, if I go before you,

please promise me you're
going to bury me with this thing.

Okay, more.

You are the most generous
man in all the world.

Ah, no, now you're
embarrassing me. Please stop.

Hey, my liege.

No, allow the humble
servant before you

to anoint thee with accolades

you so richly deserve.

Okay, if you're gonna praise me,

use words that I understand.

Buddy,

you're like an ice-cold
beer on a hot day.

Now you're going to make me cry.

(LAUGHS)