According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 25 - Geronimo Jim - full transcript

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Hey.

What's with the ice pack?

Well, Andy, today my
son took a giant step

into manhood.

My pants bit me.

He had first zipper malfunction.

Oh! Oh, ouch!
Kyle!

Oh, this is gonna be one
of the few days in your life

you wish you were a woman.

Today and every time
you go out on a date

because they don't
pay for anything.



Anyway, tip-off's
in two minutes.

Oh, great, just enough
time for a bathroom break.

Still hurts, huh?

I'm sorry, son.

Well, that's the price
we men pay

for being able to have
something to grab

when we're trying
to emphasize a point.

Yeah.

And you know what?
Soon you'll be able

to learn to take care of it,

and these kind of mistakes
won't ever happen again.

(ANDY SCREAMING)

I have a Snoopy bandage.
How about you?

JIM: Oh, baby!



Daddy?
Yes, my sweethearts?

We want to be allowed
to say bad words.

You know, uh,

cursing is a big responsibility,

and, uh, you're gonna
want to do it right.

So, why don't you write a report

on the bad words
you'd like to use,

and how you want to use them.

Right. Write 10 pages
single-spaced.

And don't just copy it
out of an encyclopedia.

That's a lot of work
just to say the R-word.

Well, that's the price you pay.

BOTH: The R-word?

Oh, my fault?
I can't believe you!

Say goodbye to Ryan, everyone.
He's gonna die this weekend.

Bye, Ryan.
Bye, Ryan.

Oh, stop it!
What are you talking about?

Yeah, dead man, tell them.

I'm going to a stock car
racing driving school,

and apparently Dana thinks
she's the boss of me.

Well, excuse me if
don't want my fiance

crashing into a wall
at 200 miles an hour.

Two hundred miles an hour?
Kick ass!

You know, at that speed,
a bug is like a bullet.

It'll rip your arm clean off.

Big help, Andy. Thanks.

I've been trying
to explain to Dana

that they take a lot
of precautions, all right?

And it's entirely safe.

Yeah, they give you helmets,
a fire suit.

A fire suit?
Great. Great.

All right, so how am I gonna
introduce you at the wedding?

"Hi, everyone,
this is my husband.

"His skin comes
from a pig."

No, that's it. You're not
going stock car racing.

Hey, hey...

Yeah, you know what?
We'll see about that.

Hey, it's okay.
I'll talk to her.

JIM: Here's
the good news.

The closer you get
to the wedding,

the crazier she'll get.

Hey, Ryan, word of advice.

Be careful of those fire suits.

They have mighty big zippers.

Yeah, hi, I'm getting married
at your hotel on the 15th.

Yeah, cancel everything.

Give it. Give me.
Give me...

Stop it!

Hi, this is Cheryl.
I'm Dana's sister.

False alarm.

Yeah, good to talk
to you again, too.

Okay.

Cheryl!
Sit!

Ow!

Chocolate.

But, Cheryl, he's gonna... Eat.

Mmm.

All right,

you're going about this
thing with Ryan all wrong.

When men are on the
threshold of a major commitment,

they need to do
something reckless

to prove they're still in
charge of their own destinies.

This is really good.
Is it sugar free?

Yes, it is.
Can you believe it?

Oh! Focus! Focus!

Okay.

When Jim and I got engaged,

he suddenly decided
he needed a motorcycle.

And I said, "No, there's no
way you're getting one of those."

So he did, because
I made it a thing.

Well, it is a thing.

Dana, honey...

(SIGHING)

Word to the wise.

Never get between
a guy and his thing.

(SIGHS)

Why can't Ryan's
thing be something

that keeps him
at home, you know?

Like fantasy football
or girls on the Internet.

Because that doesn't
show you he's in charge.

He's not in charge.
I'm gonna stop him.

No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

No! Dana.

You don't stop them.

You let them stop themselves.

It's like mental judo.

I don't get it.

(SIGHS)

When I gave birth to Ruby,
Jim had to go sky diving.

This time, I didn't fight it.

You let him go?
No!

I told him I loved
his adventurous spirit.

See, I didn't make it a thing,

so he forgot all about it.

He never mentioned it again.

Adventurous spirit.

Yeah. He ate it up.

I even got him a helmet
that said "Geronimo Jim."

And you weren't afraid that he
was gonna go through with it?

Well, a little,

but the scientific
breakthrough was worth it.

Wow. This whole
simple housewife thing

is just a ruse.

You're a genius.

You know, I am.

Yes, we call it
reverse psychology.

Oh, also, it helps if you
wear something low-cut.

Push 'em up.

And I said, "Woman...

"Woman!

"I'm going sky diving,
and that's that!"

I know that's right.

And she could tell by the
wild, crazy look in my eyes

that I wasn't gonna back down.

And you know what?

She came correct.

She even gave me a helmet
that said "Geronimo Jim."

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Jim not only wears the
pants, he wears the helmet

in this family.
That's right.

That's right. That was a
defining moment in our marriage.

That changed the course
of our relationship,

because it taught Cheryl
to respect

my sov-enty as a man.

That's right.
Sov-enty.

So, I should just be
more assertive with Dana.

No, not more assertive!
You gotta go wild!

You gotta go crazy! You gotta
let them know you mean business!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let us see your eyes.

Can you get
three corners of white?

Try it, try it.
Come on, come on.

Come on, come on. That's
the best you can do?

We're talking about make or
break a marriage right here.

Now look at me and say
"I'm going stock car racing!"

I'm going stock car racing.

Hey, that's pretty good...

For a little girl!
Come on! Come on!

Look me in the eye!
Come on! Say it!

I'm going stock car
racing, and that's that!

Oh, oh...

Oh... All right,
that's good, that's good.

Now look me in the eye and say

"I'm gonna march
right in that kitchen!"

I'm gonna march
right in that kitchen!

"And get Jim
and Andy a beer!"

And I'm gonna get Jim and...

All you have to do is ask.

Oh. Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
where you going?

Where's my bad word report?

We're taking a break.

We're gonna have a
tea party in the back yard.

I get to be the table.

I used to be the table.

They stuck gum to my belly.

Oh...

JIM: Hey!

Huh?

Come on, are you
a man or a wuss?

Well, have you ever seen a
wuss drive 200 miles an hour?

I'm gonna race stock cars.
I laid down the law!

All right!

(ALL BABBLING)

That's great, man, that's great.
When are you gonna do it?

I said I'd hold off
for a little bit.

I don't want to rub my
sov-enty in her face too much.

That is so cool,
zipping around corners,

spitting in death's face.

Exactly. See, I cannot wait for
that adrenaline rush, you know?

I mean, Jim, what was
that like for you?

What?
When you went sky diving.

Oh, I didn't go sky diving.

I mean, you know, life
just kind of got in the way.

A lot of distractions, you know.

Kids and sports on TV

and Cheryl wearing
a low-cut top.

Tell you what.
Dana is so cute.

Yes, she is.

Yeah. She even
bought me a cool helmet.

I told you. That's exactly
what Cheryl did for me.

Yeah, and then she said
that my adventurous spirit

was part of why
she fell in love with me.

Adventurous spirit? That's
exactly what Cheryl said to me.

That's exactly
what Cheryl said to me!

Let me ask you a question.

Was she wearing
something low-cut?

Oh, yeah.
And it was hot.

It was like,
"Here's your helmet."

That's it!

I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.

She used reverse
psychology on me.

(LAUGHING)

Wow!

You do that to
the kids all the time.

You must feel stupid.

We gotta take a
stand here, that's all.

That's right. Geronimo Jim
is gonna soar like an eagle

as a symbol for men everywhere,

never to be manipulated again.

You're gonna go sky diving?

We're gonna go sky diving.

Yeah!
Yeah!

(SLOWLY) Yeah.

Ha...

You know,

I appreciate you guys
trying to include me,

but this is kind of
a married guy thing.

BOTH: You're going.

Are you sure?

You know, Andy,

that really kind of only
works for chicks, you know?

Are you sure?

Put those away!
Put them away!

So then I grabbed Ryan's hand
and I looked into his eyes, and I said,

"I was wrong.

"I want you
to go racing."

You should have seen
the look on his face.

Oh... I love men.

They're so simple, but they
think they're so complicated.

Aw...

Marriage is gonna be so easy
now that I have the playbook.

Honey, it is like
shooting fish in a barrel.

You know, without the gun and
the unnecessary cruelty to animals.

Right.

(RYAN AND ANDY WHOOSHING)

I claim this cloud in the name

of Geronimo Jim!

(CHERYL SCREAMS)

What are you doing?

Uh, you know what? Ryan was
talking about going to the stock car races,

and it reminded me of the time
that I wanted to go sky diving.

Remember, you wanted
me to do it, too,

because of my...
Adventurous spirit?

Not ringing a bell.

I believe you said
that adventurous spirit

is one of the reasons
you fell in love with me.

You even bought him
this cool helmet.

Mmm-mmm.

But I never went.

And that's not very adventurous.

So, I'm going sky
diving this weekend.

And Andy's going, too.

Well, I gotta check my calendar.

I'm due for a teeth cleaning.

BOTH: You're going.

Oh, and, Dana, I've been thinking
about this whole stock car racing thing.

I'm not gonna do it.

Oh, are you sure, honey?

Because I'm
totally fine with it.

I know.

I just figured I'd rather
go sky diving with Jim.

You know, in honor of
his adventurous spirit.

(GASPING)

Something wrong, sweetie?

No, no, no, no.

No, we're fine.
It's just so exciting.

Cheryl, where are we going?

We're gonna go make our
adventurers a hearty meal,

because our three men are
gonna jump out of a plane.

But...
Sky diving, woo!

(LAUGHING)

I think I pulled a little
adventurous spirit right here.

Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God!

(SHUSHING)

Sky diving?

He wouldn't break enough
bones in a blazing car crash?

It's your fault.
"Adventurous spirit"?

You used the exact same
words I used on Jim.

Well, yeah, you said
it would work.

You can't use exact words.
You gotta mix it up.

The monkeys talk.

I thought... I thought they just
talked about sports and boobs.

Are you sure you're
ready to get married?

Yeah, I even
picked out the shoes.

All right, all right, all
right. We can fix this.

They're good, but we are better.

You know what?
No way. Game over.

I'm putting an end to this.

Fine, fine.
Make it a thing.

Then they have to do it.

Damn!

Okay, coach, what's the play?

Okay, I don't know,
I don't know, I don't know.

Chocolates, talk to me.

Ah! I got it.

We don't call their
bluff. We raise it.

We are going sky diving.

Brilliant! Let's all
get ourselves killed!

Hey, bring the kids!

Would you relax?
Nobody's going sky diving.

Jim is not gonna let the mother
of his children risk her life.

So, when he says
it's too dangerous for me,

we pounce and use
his own logic against him.

Why can't you just withhold
sex like a normal woman?

I can't help myself.

I need my monkey love.

Daddy?
Yes, girls?

We finished our report.

It's only one page,

but we really just
want to say the R-word.

Rat poo?

(BOTH GASP)

Rat poo?

You girls are filthy.

Well, everything seems
to be in order here.

Congratulations, girls.

From now on, you can
curse like polite sailors.

BOTH: Rat poo, rat poo,
rat poo, rat poo!

I thought the whole
point of the report

was to keep them from
doing what they wanted.

No, no, not after I've been
burned by reverse psychology.

From now on, this family's
gonna say what they mean

and mean what they say.

I don't want to go sky diving.

Come on, you don't mean that.

Hey, Jim?

Yes?

I've been thinking.

Oh, have you now?

Yeah, um, remember 10 years ago

when you wanted
to go sky diving?

There was something
I didn't tell you.

Well, today's a very good day
to come clean with it then.

Yeah, um, the thing
I didn't tell you is...

Yes, my young bride?

I want to go sky diving, too.

(LAUGHS) Well, well...
What!

Well, for some reason,
I got it in my head

that it was unsafe,

but you are the protector of
this family, and you're gonna do it.

So, I figure, what's the
worst that can happen?

You know, besides our
kids becoming orphans

in the blink of an eye.

Well...

I think that's...

A great idea.

Well...

Great.

Absolutely great.

Finally...
Sky diving.

Hot damn!

Hot diggity damn!

See you at 10,000 feet.

Fifteen.

Even better!

Crap!

I thought she was gonna fold!

This sucks!

Sky diving's off.

The hell it is.

She's bluffing,
and she's gonna crack.

Then she's gonna have to admit

that she rat-pooed me.

You can use it as a verb?

Yeah, it's right here
in the report.

So, Ryan, here we are. Men,
holding on to our maleness.

I gotta tell you, Jim,
my maleness has been

sucked up into my body cavity.

Don't you chicken out.
Not now.

Otherwise, leave them up there,

'cause you're never
gonna get them back.

Hey, how you doing? How's
this harness holding up?

Huh?

(EXCLAIMS)

It's a little lumpy in the back.

(LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)

You know, I think it's time
for my pre-jump calisthenics.

And a one, and a two,
and a three, and a four...

Feel that burn?

Stop it!

Okay, okay, I'll be good!

Yeah, yeah, you also said
you'd be on time. Okay?

But you're late, and we're
stuck with the tandem harness.

I was putting on make-up.

Who puts on make-up to sky dive?

They sell videos.

Jim, may I talk to you
in private, please?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

What are you
talking about? Ow.

Andy! Ow! Ah!
Stop it!

Okay, what's up?

Well, a couple of things.
Yeah?

Cheryl's not budging,

and I lied to the
jumpmaster about my weight.

Can we stop this now, please?

Not on your life.

You know, that's funny,
because it kind of is on my life!

I don't want to die!

Cheryl's gonna crack
before you splat.

Okay, we're on jump run!

Let's get ready to go!

Jim, Cheryl,
you're gonna go first!

Check your altimeters.

Check your harnesses.
We're gonna have fun.

You guys are gonna do great.

So, is there anything
you want to say

to the mother of your children

before she jumps out of a plane?

Yes.

Remember to arch!

I'm gonna do it!

Go ahead!

See you on the ground!

Stop it!

I can't believe you!

You're gonna let me
jump out of a plane?

You're not gonna jump out.

You're just trying to trick
me like you did 10 years ago.

Fine! I tricked you!

That's only 'cause we
were starting a family,

and sky diving is unsafe!

It is not unsafe!

You're jumping out of
a plane at 15,000 feet,

trusting a nylon sheet
to float you to safety.

It is stupid!

Where does it say that I
can't do things that are stupid?

Geronimo!

Hey! Hey!

We're not done
with this argument!

Now that those two nut jobs
are off the plane, unhook me.

Hey, we're not jumping!

Oh, thank God!

Suit yourselves,
but there's no refunds!

Peace out, Chicago!

Let's never be
like Jim and Cheryl.

Yeah. I'd say
that's a good goal.

I think I'm going to throw up.

Look out, Evanston.

Don't jump.

You know, I got to
be honest with you,

I never wanted to do
this in the first place.

So no stock car racing?

No. I mean...

You know, maybe
after the first child.

I love you.

(GROANING)

If we were alone, we could
join the mile-high club.

Rat poo!

Jim! Jim!

You get back on that
plane right now!

All right!

I tricked you.

But it's not because
I want to control you,

it's because I love you
and I want you alive!

Hey!

Hey, I am talking to you!

I think I just wet my pants!

(BOTH YELLING)

(ANDY YELLING)