According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 23 - The Competition - full transcript

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Do you want a bite, Daddy?

No, thanks, honey.

If Daddy's going to compete for the
Chicago hot dog eating championship,

he's got to be hungry.

Crazy hungry!

Jim, just eat something!

Last year you passed out
on the way to the contest.

I took a short nap.

You were driving!

Well, if you don't use
those airbags, it's a waste.

(SNIFFING)



I smell donuts.

Hey.

That's incredible.

Well, when you starve yourself for
two days, your senses get heightened.

You know, I'm like Ray
Charles, but with smelling.

Cheryl, Dana, offspring...

Um, Mr. Second Place,
is it?

Excuse me, you expect
to eat more hot dogs than me

when you fill your belly
full of donuts?

It's my strategy.
I'm stretching my stomach.

Yeah, when did you start that
strategy, when you were 12?

Yes, indeed. About the same
time you started losing your hair.

Well, at least I have
someone to share my life with.

I think your longest relationship
was with Mrs. Butterworth.



Whom I think
you're still seeing.

All right, would you guys
just stop it?

Kids, go put your shoes on.
We're going to leave in a minute.

So, you're going bald, you're
sleeping with syrup, and go.

Mint green is definitely...

Could you please
stop the garbage talk?

Cheryl, it's not called garbage
talk. It's called trash talk.

It's part of competition, but you wouldn't
understand that because you're a woman.

Just like Andy.
Advantage, Jim.

Okay, because I'm a woman?

This never gets old.

Women aren't natural competitors
like men, that's all. It's a fact, baby.

Yay. Jim's first crackpot
theory of the day.

Yay!

See, you know I'm right, too.

Hold on. Hold...

(SNIFFING)

A neighbor is cooking bacon.

And muffins.

(SNIFFS)

Blueberry muffins.
No, walnut.

And the woman baking

is crying.

JIM: Oh, baby!

ANNOUNCER: Contestants,
take your seats.

Welcome to the State Street Mall

and Demon Dogs' annual
hot dog eating contest.

(APPLAUDING)

Remember, the winner will
become the spokesperson

for Demon Dogs in a local
television commercial.

My own commercial.

Who says a demon

can't go to heaven?

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

(LAUGHING)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Okay, 12 minutes
stand between you

and glittering local fame.

Contestants, raise your dogs.

You are going down!

Please. The only thing going
down is my life expectancy.

(CHUCKLES)

Ready, set, eat!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Time's up. Dogs down.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Cheryl,
I'm the wiener king!

Guess that makes you
the wiener queen.

Yeah.

Margie Anderson's married
to a state assemblyman.

And the winner is...

Ah, ah, oh, let me direct that
commercial, because I have a vision for it.

Yoki Hirasaki!

Aah!

(SPUTTERS)
That's impossible!

That girl couldn't fit three
hot dogs end to end in there!

No, she's like a tiny Asian
meat grinder.

I wonder if she has room for
a piece of Andy pie?

Jim, honey, I'm befuddled.

You're a man, and yet you just got
beat by someone who isn't a man.

Which, technically,
makes her a woman.

Dana, that's impossible. Everybody
knows women can't compete,

hence my befuddlement.

Hmm. Well, let me
unbefuddle you, okay?

It was fixed!
Oh, Jim!

It was! Come on, it's obvious
they rigged the contest

because they want a skinny
woman to promote a better image.

A better image than us?
Doubtful.

Excuse me, sir. Can I get a to-go
box for the ones I licked but didn't eat?

Daddy?

Yes, my young boy? What?

I'm going to the bathroom.
Want to watch?

Uh, no, thank you, honey.
I caught your morning show.

Okay.

Hey. How's the surround
sound coming along?

Oh, it's gonna be great.

Andy's going to love it.

When we're watching
the Cubs game,

it's gonna be like we're in
Wrigley Field. Check it out.

(STATIC CRACKLING)

Oh! Ugh!

Crap! Well, I'll wait
till Andy gets here.

You know, he's good
with this nerdy stuff.

Yeah, Jim, you're way too
cool to do this right.

Hey, guys, you remember Yoki.

CHERYL AND DANA: Hey!

What the hell?

Look, Jim, it's the winner
of the hot dog-eating contest.

Yeah. Well, nice to, uh,
see you, Yogi.

Yoki.

Oh, I'm sorry.
My boo-boo.

Yeah, um...

Yoki and I struck up a
conversation after the contest,

and now we're doing it.

You know, dating.

And doing it.

Well, I'm telling you,
you two are the cutest couple.

Yeah. I bet you're hell
on a buffet.

Well, it's a pleasure, but Andy and
I are gonna be watching the game.

Oh, actually, Jim, I'm gonna head
over to Yoki's and watch it there.

(STAMMERING) What,
Yoki, you got a big screen TV?

Fifty inches.
Sixty!

And I'm putting in
surround sound.

I'm putting it in right now.

Jim, I'm not going over there
for the home theater experience.

You're gonna love surround
sound. It makes all the difference.

Would you like some help
hooking it up?

Yeah, Yoki's great
at this kind of stuff.

She defragged my hard drive...

And then she fixed my computer.

Know what I'm sayin'?

How could they not know
what you're saying?

It'll only take me a second.

I know this unit.

Nah, it's all right. My
son's here. He can help me.

He's kind of an electronic
genius, but thanks.

KYLE: Can somebody wipe me?

Well, like father, like son.

There you go. You just had
the speaker leads reversed.

What?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(ANDY AND DANA GASP)

Wow, it's like
we're at the movies.

Yoki, hey, it's your
Demon Dog commercial.

YOKI ON TV: Who says a demon
can't go to heaven?

Can you blame me?

I had her in a devil suit
surrounded by hot dogs.

I felt like Hef.

Yoki!

(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)

Wow, Charlie...

You are really not that good.

It's not like I have
a lot of time to rehearse.

I'm pretty busy between my
liquor store and my pizza place.

Welcome to the band.

Thanks.
So glad you're here.

Thanks.
Oh, hey, honey!

(KISSES)

Hey, so we done here?

(STAMMERS) We got another
hour left of rehearsal.

Fine, yeah, okay.
Here, Yoki, have a seat.

(STAMMERING) Wait.

Normally these are
closed rehearsals.

No one's ever wanted
to come, Jim.

Fine. Fine.

Two, three, four.

(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)

(INAUDIBLE)

Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.

Andy, listen, I know
we sound better

when you're not playing,
but what the hell?

Well, it's just that
we were thinking...

We?
Yoki and I.

Yeah, the song's in "G,"

but you're playing the "A" harp.

Since when does your little friend there
know so much about blues harmonica?

Well, I play a little bit.

(CHUCKLING)
Oh, you do?

Well, I'd love to hear that.

Maybe I should just go.

No, no, no, no.
I'd really love to hear it.

Come on, I insist. I insist.
Come on, take a shot at it.

Come on, baby.

Blow, blow, blow.

All right.

In "E" this time.

In "E."

Let's kick this thing.

(STOMPING)

(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

We're done! We're done!

That's it, that's it,
rehearsal's over.

What? Everybody
go! Everybody go!

Rehearsal's over!
Come on, man!

Over! Over!

Yoki, can you give us a minute?

Hey, Yoki? Yoki?

If you ever want to start
a band, here's my card.

Out! Out, everybody!

Jim, what the hell is wrong with
you? Why can't you be nice to her?

I don't want to be nice to her.

Why, 'cause she beat you?

The only reason she beat me
is because she's on steroids!

You get her to pee in a cup,
and I'll prove it to you.

That is ridiculous!

What are you talking about?
She's the enemy!

What?

It's like if I was dating
Osama bin Laden.

Okay? You hate him.

I'd be fine with it. We'd
get 25 mil for turning him in.

You would turn in my boyfriend?

What if I loved him?

Are you listening to yourself?

I'm sick of hearing myself.

Jim, I'm dating again,
and I'm ecstatic.

I thought you more than anyone
would be happy for me.

I don't like her, I don't
like her, I don't like her.

And I don't like that she
messes up our rehearsals.

Really?
Yes.

Oh. Well, great.
Because we're a box set.

Oh, yeah?

If you don't need her, then
you obviously don't need me.

Hey! Hey, I got a friend who
owns a liquor store and a pizza joint.

I don't need anybody!

Your brother's a big, dumb
jerk with a tiny, dumb girlfriend.

Beets? You're making beets?

Crap on a cracker, is
this world going to hell?

Jim, honey, would you like
a popsicle?

Sometimes that helps Kyle
when he's throwing a tantrum.

I am not five years old.

You have a red one?

Oh, you know what?

I think Gracie ate
the last red one.

Purple?
No.

Yellow?
Sorry.

What else do you have?

Organic orange mango?

Then forget it!

Forget it!

Can't have a popsicle
in this house!

There's beets smelling
the whole house up!

I'll take this one.

All right. Honey, do you want to
talk about your problem with Andy?

I am not having
a problem with Andy.

It's that Yoki.

Okay, but since Andy's been seeing
Yoki, he's been around a lot less.

Yeah!

I'm just saying

that deep down you and Andy...

Mmm-mmm, no, no, no. This is what
you guys do. This is what you women do.

This is what you like to do.

You like to dig deep down.

You like to go
underneath the surface.

But anybody that knows me
knows that there's nothing there!

So quit drilling!

I hate Yoki, I hate beets,
and I hate this popsicle!

Is there some law against sugar?

All right, I just wish
you had told me sooner.

You knew about the beets!

No. I invited Andy and Yoki
to dinner tomorrow night.

(SPITS)

You invite mine enemy to dinner?

Cheryl, that is ridiculous!

That's like if...

What if I was dating
Osama bin Laden,

and I brought him home
for dinner?

How would you feel about that?

I don't know, honey.
Is it serious?

I wouldn't bring him home if
it was just a fling, Cheryl.

Okay, Jim,

if this is really about Yoki,

I bet you can beat her
at being a bigger person.

Huh?

I bet my big, strong, handsome
husband can win at that.

Huh?

Well, I guess if I can force
down this frozen disaster...

I can probably be
the bigger man.

Aw, thank you, honey.

No riddle. What a rip.

Hey, Jim.

Bigger man, bigger man.

Glad you made it.

Ah, thanks so much
for having us over.

That is really big of you.

Hey, I'm a big man.

You know what I was thinking? How
about tomorrow we go out to lunch?

Yeah, we go to the park, knock back
a few beers, fall asleep in the sun?

It's been a long time since
we've had a hobo lunch.

Oh, you know what, though?

Yoki and Scottie Pippen have a
publicity thing at the hot dog place.

I should really be there
for that.

Yeah, hey, great.
It sounds like a lot of fun.

I'm sure there's plenty of
guys in the park I can drink with.

Hey, uh, there she is.
(CHUCKLES)

Honey, your steak's almost done.

It's thick and hot.
Just the way you like it.

All we've done is hold hands.

Careful. That one's
starting to burn.

That's called searing.

Be a bigger man,
be a bigger man.

Hey, uh, Yoko, listen.

Yoki.
Yoki.

I want to congratulate you
on your victory.

Thank you.

Yeah, and I'm really sorry that it
was marred with such controversy.

What controversy? I won that
fair and square.

Oh! Yeah. Grand jury's gonna
get a good laugh on that one.

Look, Jim, if you have a problem
with me, why don't you just say it?

I don't have a problem with you.

I'm really happy
that Andy has got a girl

who's got, you know,
a gift for freakish eating.

Is that supposed to be
a compliment?

Of course it is.
I'm a big man.

With a little, tiny stomach.
(CHUCKLES)

Ha! I won!

That shows you it was
a fluke the other day!

(BURPS)

(DEEPER BURP)

Wow, I heard that
from all the way inside.

Biscuits?

I'll have two.
I'll have three.

Cheryl! We're gonna need
more biscuits!

Guys, guys, guys!

There's corn.

(CHILDREN CLAMORING)

DANA: Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go!

Daddy, come on, you can do it!

Daddy, Daddy, eat!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Come on, Daddy!
Go, go!

(CHOKES)

Beets?

Gross.

Ugh!

Oh!

Hey, hey, hey, what
are you doing? Stop!

They're gonna have to pump
my stomach before I quit!

He'll be fine
after we pump his stomach.

(JIM GROANING)

I am not using the bedpan!

Hey. Can I come in?

Oh, it's you.

It's weird seeing you in here
when it's not St. Patrick's Day.

Yeah.

And I'm not cuffed
to the bed, either.

Hey, Yoki wanted me to tell you that
she's really hoping you're doing okay.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
She's a nice girl, Jim.

She's okay, I guess.

Well, if she's okay, man,
then what's the problem?

There's no problem.

No, no, something is going on.

You went crazy today.

They found a spoon
in your X-ray.

There's nothing going on.
I told you.

Will you knock it off?

Mmm. Seems they pumped
everything out of you,

including the guts
to tell the truth.

You know what? Now you're
starting to sound like Cheryl.

All right? Stop digging. There's
nothing there. I'm all shell!

Okay.

Well, I was doing some thinking.

Actually, it was Yoki
who pointed it out.

And, uh, well...

It seems that I've been spending
too much time away from my friend,

and that's why
you're acting this way.

Andy, you couldn't be more wrong

if you took the wrong train from
Wrongville and had a 3-wrong omelet...

What's in this I.V.?

Ah, methinks
me hit a nerve. Huh?

You miss me.

I don't miss you.

I don't miss you.
Men don't miss men.

That's just not the way
it works, Andy.

I mean, you know,

I like hanging out
with you, that's all.

Hanging out,
watching the ballgame

or grilling steaks or, you know,

putting in surround sound
or going to the park.

Oh, The Great Escape is
on tomorrow afternoon.

Actually, Yoki and I...

Just forget it!

No, Yoki and I were talking, and she
agreed that I should spend more time

with my best friend.

So...

I can make the movie.

Cool.

Cool.

Hey, check this out, man.

This is the coolest bed
I've ever seen.

Look at that.

It's got electric buttons, man.

Hot dog.

Look at it. The front goes
down, the back goes down.

Oh, scoot over, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here, check out
this button right here.

Yeah, we should get
one of these for the office.

Oh, hey, I saw some
wheelchairs outside.

Jim! What would
Osama say?

Get off! Get off the bed!
Get off the bed!