According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Clock - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
(ALL EXCLAIMING
WITH SATISFACTION)

Hey, Cheryl, dinner was great.

Absolutely, honey.

Even when you bring your B game,

it's the best meal of the week.

B game?

Well, it's only Tuesday.
I wanna keep you motivated.

Oh!

GRACIE: Stop hitting me! RUBY:
I'm not gonna stop hitting you!

Hey, hey, hey,
hey! Kids!

For the last time, would you
get out from under the table?



Come on, listen
to your mother now. Out.

Too late to domesticate
them now. They're feral.

Ow! One bit me!

Hey, Andy!

All right, come on.
Out. Out. Out.

Settle down.
Let's go. Out. Out. Out.

That's it.

Cheryl, what is happening
at that school?

I thought they were supposed
to crush their spirits.

I've got to tell you,
now that the kids are gone,

as your doctor, there's
something I need to tell you.

I love it when he says
"as your doctor."

You know, if you were
wearing a lab coat,

I would take you
on this table right now.



Jim, your sperm sample
is due back from the lab

in a few days, and I think
everything's gonna be good.

I've got a lab coat in the
car. (GASPS) Let's go.

As your doctor.
As your doctor.

That is such great news.
We could get pregnant.

All that work
to raise your sperm count

is finally paying off.

I'm telling you, I knew that
last batch was a winner.

You know what it was?

It was the new magazines that
I brought in did the trick.

That's where they went!

You stole my magazines!

Good day, sir.

Oh!

Animals! Your kids
tied my shoes together!

CHERYL: Andy!

Honey, just take your shoes off.

I wouldn't give those
monsters the satisfaction.

(BOTH SHRIEKING)
(LAMP BREAKS)

JIM: Hey...
CHERYL: Oh, no!

All right, that's it.
Come on.

Upstairs. Up to bed.
Come on.

What? It's still early!

I don't care.
I warned you once.

Now go to bed.
Come on.

Let's go. Come on.
Shake a leg.

But I love you, Daddy.

I love you, too, Kyle.

And if you had some
real tears there,

you might have had me.
Now go. Let's go.

Oh, don't look at me...

Oh, man, would you
look at this mess?

I better clean it up
before the kids step in it.

Wait a minute.
Huh?

You hear that?
What?

Exactly.

Except for the faint sounds
of our children

crying themselves to sleep,

it's quiet.

I think we just bought ourselves

two hours of free time.

Free time?

I haven't had that
since my C-section.

I mean...

What do I do with that?

Well, we can do
anything we want.

The night stretches before us
like a long, long...

Thing.

Allow me to introduce you

to an elegant evening
of sitting.

(GASPS)

Oh... Sitting.

Mm-hmm.

I remember this.
Mm-hmm.

Now just relax, sit back,
and let the world come to us.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Give it back!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, knock it off!

Well, back to the usual mayhem.

Why can't it be
last night again?

Maybe it can.

I say we punish them
on trumped-up charges

and send them to bed early.

Honey, we can't punish them
for no reason.

They'll hate us for the rest
of their lives.

Come on, they're gonna
hate us anyway.

At least we'll be well rested.

No!

We're just gonna have to
grin and bear it till 9:00.

All right.

Daddy.
Hey.

Can we have some cookies?

Cookies? Right before
bedtime?

It's not bedtime.

It's not, huh?

What's that?

9:00. Bedtime.

But we just finished dinner.

You know, it feels that way,
doesn't it?

Clocks don't lie.

Unless you think
your daddy's lying.

You wouldn't lie.
You're a grownup.

Exactly.

Bedtime.
Come on, let's go.

Good night!

Good night, Daddy.

Sweet dreams!

Have a very good night.

What...

What's all this?

This, my dear, is the beginning

of a very romantic evening.

Where are the kids?

Oh, don't worry about them.
It's bedtime.

It's not bedtime...

9:00?

That's gotta be wrong.

Cheryl, clocks don't lie.

Unless you think I'm lying.

You are lying.

Exactly.

A feisty merlot
for the young lady?

Oh, honey.
I am all for free time,

but you can't do this.

Why not? We're parents.
We can do whatever we want.

We can serve candy
for breakfast if we want.

Cheryl, Cheryl,
come on, come on, come on.

We just found something here
that might work.

Why throw it away?

Well, because it's wrong.

Oh, is it wrong,

or did we stumble on
something very right?

Hey, the kids are gonna
get more sleep,

which is better
for their brains,

better for their grades.

Next stop, Harvard.

That is a very good school.

Mm-hmm.

And how about last night?

Come on,
how much fun did we have?

Talking, laughing,

chatting up Andy online
pretending we were a girl.

Hey, do you think
he'll really show up

at the top of the Sears Tower

with a red carnation
in his lapel?

Please. We could get him
to go to Omaha

and bring us back steaks.

Oh, oh, right there.

Here? Yeah?

Yeah. Right where
Kyle hangs on me.

(MOANING)

You know, I suppose technically

it is 9:00 somewhere.

I don't think that's true,
but go on.

We can only do the clock thing
once in a while,

and only when we really,
really need it.

Deal! Okay, move over. My turn.

My turn, my turn.
Ow! Okay!

Right here, right here,
right here, right here.

Oh, yeah. Right there.

Right where Andy hangs on me.

Yeah.

Hey.

There's only one Sears Tower
in Chicago, right?

Crap!

Got stood up.

Oh, well.

Maybe I'll have better luck
this weekend in Omaha.

Hey, while you're there...

Steaks?
Please.

(LAUGHS) Well,
it's almost sundown.

Isn't it past your
kids' fake bedtime?

Don't knock it.
It's really great.

It's like Cheryl and I
are dating again.

Aw.

Except for I don't have to
pretend to like her friends.

Since you've already
driven them all away,

it's really not an issue.

Hey! Tell them,
tell them, tell them.

Okay...

Ryan got the results
of Jim's fertility test,

and someone got an A.

Actually, 30 billion A's.

Oh! Boy, I'd like
to go back to high school

and throw that in their face!

It's exciting, isn't it?
We can make a baby.

Yes!

And since you're right in the middle of
Cheryl's ovulation window, you know,

the next 24 hours
are very important,

so I suggest you do it
early and often.

Okay, well, look, I
gotta go. I'm on call,

but I love you.
Love you.

I'll see you guys.
See you, man.

Tonight's the night.

Yes! Is it ever.

Hey, Dana, come here.
I want to show you

the cutest maternity outfit
I found in a catalogue.

Really?
Yes.

All right, I'll just sit here
making more soldiers

to storm the gates.

This is so exciting.

Hey, if you have a girl,
what are you gonna name her?

(SIGHS) Dana...

Oh, that's so sweet.

Aw!

And what if it's a boy?

Dana!

I love it.
It works both ways.

Are you okay?

I don't think I want
to have another baby.

Oh, my God.
No little Dana?

But he-she is gonna be so cute.

I'm serious.

How are you gonna
break it to Jim?

Don't do it in bed. That's
gonna send a mixed message.

I know. I can't tell him.

He really wants to have
another kid.

I don't want to have
another kid.

Wow.

Man, I was really looking
forward to becoming an uncle.

You are an uncle.

Yeah. Um...
Let's just say

your first three chapters
aren't exactly page-turners.

So what happened?

Well, these last few nights,

spending all this time
alone with Jim,

it's like we're a couple again.

If we have a baby, that's over.

It'll be teething and diapers
and 2:00 a.m. feedings.

And when she does all that
stuff, she wakes me up.

Jim, this is a big deal.

I mean, she wants baby-making,

and she wants it tonight.

I cannot have sex
with Jim tonight.

You've gotta help me.

Don't look at me.
I'm not doing it.

No!

How do you make a guy
not want to sleep with you?

Well, I know how I do it.

First, I make
meaningful eye contact.

And?

And nothing. That
usually does the trick.

Wait a minute.

How many times
have I heard Cheryl say,

"Not now.
The kids are in the room"?

That's it.

What are you doing?
Grab a clock.

If I can make the kids believe
that it's later,

I can make them
believe that it's earlier.

I'm gonna keep them up
all night.

You know, in normal families,

they sit down and talk
their problems through,

but somehow it doesn't even
come up as an option for you guys.

(MACHINE GUN FIRE ON TV)

All right, I got some
soda and candy

for my three favorite kids.

Hey! Wake up, wake up.
Predator's on.

And Daddy asked you to
keep track of the body count.

But, Daddy, we're tired.

How can you be tired?
It's only 8:00.

Wow, the kids are still up?

Yeah, they're full
of pep tonight.

Hey!

Wow, I guess I have time
to get started

knitting a baby blanket then.

Although once those
knitting needles

are in my hands,
it's hard to put them down.

Well, you knit as long
as you need to, honey.

We may have twins.

Okay, come on, come on, get up.

Ruby, Ruby, jump rope.

Over here.
Jump rope. Exercise.

All right, you two,
I want you to wash down

these chocolate-covered
espresso beans with some soda.

JIM: Good.

(SHATTERS)

Sorry, Daddy.

That's all right.
I hated that lamp anyway.

So you're not sending us to bed?

Hey, accidents will happen.

What about now?

Kids will be kids.

Oh, come on!

Fine, fine. Go to sleep.

Go on, go to bed if you want.

But just remember,

if you can't stop thinking
about that guy

who had his arm torn off...

You know where Mommy
and Daddy's bed is.

Wow, look at this mess.

This is gonna take me
all night to untangle...

Where are the kids?

They went to bed.

Finally.

Wow. So...
We're alone.

Yep. I guess it's time to
go ahead and make that baby.

Hey, look
who's here. Dana.

What are you talking about?

I mean, I think I hear
her in the kitchen.

Dana!

(FAKE SOBBING)

CHERYL: Oh, no.

(FAKE SOBBING)

What's wrong?
Why are you crying?

Ryan and I got in a fight.

I think the wedding
might be off.

I'm so upset.

And I'm crying.

Okay.

Jim, I'm sorry.

Looks like an all-night
gab fest for us girls.

Maybe you should just go to bed.

I was looking forward to
creating a human life, but...

If Dana's having a crisis.

God knows that never happens.

Thanks for understanding.
Okay.

Come on, Dana.

I hate men. I never want
to talk to any of them...

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Ryan?

You got the night off?

I'll be right there!
Bring the lab coat!

Dana! What about your fight?

We made up. Have fun.
Hope it's a girl.

Ready or not, here I come.

Okay.

You as hot to do this as I am?

Hot to do what?

Ski?

Oh. I'm sorry.
I was kind of chilly.

Guess you don't find me
very sexy now.

No, no, baby.
You are always sexy.

(WHISPERS) Damn it!

I am always sexy!

(SIGHS)

Okay...

Here I come.

Wow.

All righty.

Good thing you did
the laundry, huh?

Just one sec.

Okay.

All right.

My skin is cold like a corpse,

but if you still want me...

I do!

Okay!

Uh...

What?

This has never
happened to me before.

I just can't answer the call.

What? What's wrong?

I don't know.

Maybe it's the pressure
of wanting something so bad.

Oh, honey, don't feel bad.

Remember, it even
happened to Coach Ditka.

Jim?

I really don't feel
like talking right now.

Remember how when
Pinocchio lied, his nose grew?

Ah, damn it!

As soon as that second
sweater came off,

there was no turning back!

Well, honey, why did you lie?

Well, Cheryl, this is gonna be
very hard for me to say,

but I want a divorce.

What?

Okay, I don't want a divorce,

but what I have to say now
won't sound as bad.

I don't think I want
to have another kid.

You don't?

No, but I know you really do...

No, no.
I don't either.

Really?
Yes!

I thought you'd be
so disappointed.

I thought you'd be crushed.

That's why I didn't
say anything to you,

because I knew it would
hurt your feelings.

Oh!

That is so sweet.
We lied out of love.

Careful.
Don't get too close.

Pinocchio's gonna turn
into a real boy.

Oh.

You know what happened?

We were spending
so much time together,

I found us again.

Yeah, I really liked us.
I missed us, too.

Remember Cheryl and Jim
who started it all?

I know. They're fun.

We should have them
over for dinner.

Not dinner. You know
how I feel about guests.

(LAUGHS)

So...

It's official then, huh?

No more babies.

Guess not.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, that baby we've been
talking about all year...

What's gonna happen to him?

I guess someone else
will get her.

Well, as long as he's got
good parents like us.

Aw... She will.

Hey, do you hear that?

What?

Exactly.

It's just the two of us.

Let's enjoy
the time while we got it.

Oh, honey.