According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 18 - Shall We Dance? - full transcript

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Hey, Dana!

What do you think of this
for your wedding bouquet?

Oh, I love it. This is so great.

For once I'm gonna actually get

to throw the bouquet instead
of elbowing some bridesmaid

in the mouth.
Yeah!

I gotta tell you. I'm
all for women fighting.

Throw a little Jell-O in there
and you can make a fortune.

Incoming!

Stop it!
And you...

Stop it!



I'm gonna pound you!

Anytime, anywhere, short pants.

Oh! Aah!

Hey! Hey!

JIM: Hey, you two,
knock it off!

JIM: Hey, knock it off!

So, Kyle...

I have a big job for
you on the wedding day.

You get to be Aunt
Dana's ring bearer.

That's right. You get
to get your hair cut,

and you're gonna wear a tuxedo.

You are gonna be a
handsome gentleman.

Do I have to, Daddy?

Yes, Son, we all have to.



But I'll tell you what we
can do at the reception.

We can make fart
sounds with our armpits.

Jim, remember our wedding?

Oh, my dress and
the flowers and...

Aw, my dance with Dad.

Mmm.

Yeah, he was a nice guy.

Yeah.

His funeral was
really nice, too.

Too bad he missed
those lemon squares.

Jim!

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah,
I'm fine. It just

hit me when I saw that picture.

I remember Dad leading
you out to the dance floor

and everybody applauding and...

That's not gonna happen for me.

You gonna have lemon
squares at the wedding?

What? If anybody has something
better to say, then just say it!

Hey, I know!
I know!

Jim can do the
father-daughter dance with you.

Oh, honey, I'd love to do that,

but you know
I'm the worst dancer.

Honey, no, you are not.
You're not that bad!

Oh, please, Cheryl. At our
wedding when I was dancing,

I pulled a groin muscle,
and it wasn't even mine.

You know, actually, Dana, I was

kind of hoping you'd ask me.

I mean, I'm your brother.

I'd be honored to dance with you

on your wedding day.

Oh. Thank you, Andy.
That's really sweet.

Well, let me show
you what I got, babe.

Maestro, if you please.

Practice a little
bit. Let's see it.

ANDY: I'm gonna
keep it simple.

I don't want to show up you
and Ryan on your big day.

How sweet.

(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Okay, ow!
Oh, my foot!

Sorry.

It's gonna be beautiful.

Get your hand off my butt!

Oh. Sorry.

Whoa! Ow!
My back!

Ow! Okay.

Whoa! Ow!
Whoo! Aah!

(LAUGHING)

(THUD)

Okay, well, you know, um,

maybe a couple things
might need a few tweaks.

But I'll be great on
your wedding day.

In fact, I'm gonna
go out into the garage

and practice with a broom.

I hope your pillow
doesn't get jealous.

He stinks.

There should be a law.

All right, kids, bath time.

GIRLS: Okay, fine.

I want a sponge
bath from a nurse.

What?

Uncle Andy says it's the best.

I think Andy forgets

that Kyle's in the
back seat sometimes.

I'm sorry.
CHERYL: Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Are you okay?

You really want to know?

No!

The game's coming
on in five minutes.

Either unload or get out.

It's just...

I miss my Dad.

Yeah, it's tough.

Um...

Listen, uh...

You want me to have
Cheryl make you a sandwich?

Jim! That's not
gonna help anything.

You want to make me a sandwich?

You know, I remember
your wedding.

Dancing with Dad, and...

I remember him
looking at me and saying,

"You know, the next time I
do this will be at your wedding."

Yeah. Well, at least Andy
will be there to dance with you.

Yeah, if you call that dancing.

No, but you're right.
He was...

He was sweet to offer, and

I'll just grin and bear it

and imagine I'm
dancing with Dad.

I just wish there was
something I could do for you.

This isn't it.
No, it's weird.

JIM: Oh, baby!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

You're not gonna do
that with Dana, are you?

Ah, hey.

I know I'm still
a little rusty...

The Statue of Liberty is rusty,

and she still moves
better than you.

Okay,
Mr. Bojangles.

I've seen you dance.
You're terrible.

Really?

Is that so?

Oh, my God, what was that?

A tour jete.

What I'm about to tell you,

you have to take to your grave.

And if you rat me out,

you'll get to that
grave a lot sooner.

But I

am a classically
trained ballroom dancer.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, and I'm the
Queen of England.

Helloo!

Helloo!

I'm serious, Andy.

When I was a kid, my
mother didn't want me

getting in trouble after school,

so she signed me up
for some dance lessons.

Get out of here.

Yeah, seriously.
But you know what?

I hated it at first.

But after a while, I, uh,

I found the upside.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Jimmy? Jimmy?
Eyes up.

I never missed a lesson.

I wouldn't either if I got that
close to grown-up-lady boobs.

And I'm talking about now.

Why haven't you
told Cheryl about this?

Oh, come on,
please. If I told Cheryl,

she'd be dragging me
out dancing every night.

If this dance thing
is such a secret,

why'd you tell me?

It's Dana.

She's really feeling bad about
not dancing with your father.

I know she drives me nuts,

but every bride should be
happy on their wedding day.

So you're gonna dance with her?

Hell, no.

I'm gonna teach you.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, Jim, I don't know
if I feel comfortable...

Back straight!

Feet together!

Your hands up.

Go back on this foot.

On one.
Ready?

And, one, together.

Two, out.
One, two.

Okay, back.
One, two.

One, two. Very good.
Now look in my eyes.

Wow.

They're incredibly hazel.

Shut up!

Here, put your hands on my hips.

Put your hands on my hips.

There.
All right?

Feel better? You feeling it now?

Hey, I do feel it.

And I feel so safe with you.

Oh, shut up.

You're feeling a
little too comfortable.

One, two.
That's it.

Now you're swinging with it.

Go out for a little spin.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Come in.

Ahh...

See? It's
very easy.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And that's how
you trap a wild boar.

You see, you bring him in
close, and then you drop him!

Just like that.

Yeah, but do you have to
slow-dance with the boar first?

'Cause that's what we saw.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What are you guys
even doing here?

You're way too early.

Well, I'm glad we
didn't come later.

No telling what we
would have walked in on.

Look, we're a couple
guys dancing in a garage.

Don't be so provincial.

Yeah, so what? I know
a few dance moves.

I was showing Andy
for Dana's wedding.

But we're not
gonna talk about it,

because this garage is safe.

Think of it as a, I don't
know, private club,

where men can express
ideas and experiences

safe from the judgmental
eye of a closed-minded society.

All right.

I'm in.
Cool?

Cool.
Yeah.

All right, let's get to work.

I know how to knit.

I paint watercolors of kitties.

I make my own potpourri.

And sometimes I put on lipstick
and shave my entire body...

All right, we're
done, we're done.

We're done.
We're done.

Let's start with the song.
One, two, three, four!

(PLAYING BLUES)

So, at the wedding, Kyle,
you're gonna come out first

with the rings for
me and my groom.

The doctor.

And then the girls
are gonna follow

sprinkling rose petals in
front of me and the doctor.

Hey, Gracie, Aunt
Dana's marrying a doctor.

I hadn't heard.

DANA: Okay, ready?

(HUMMING
THE WEDDING MARCH)

(SOBBING)

Such a beautiful wedding.

Cheryl, the bride is
wearing sweat pants!

I know.
I just...

Hey! Sorry
I'm late.

I just got through crying my
way out of a speeding ticket.

So, where are we?

Oh, we're pretty much done here.

Ooh, sounds like it's
time for the reception.

May I have this dance?

He's gonna
dance! Run!

(SCREAMING)

Um, Andy, you know
what? I've been thinking.

This wedding's becoming
too much about me,

so I'm just gonna let Cheryl
have the first dance with you.

Like hell!

Just trust me.

I don't know if I...

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow!

Andy, it's like somebody
connected your body

to your brain.

I took dancing lessons.

Is my back straight enough, Jim?

That is such a weird
question to ask me!

Weird!

Whoo!

Oh! I don't know what to say.

I can't believe that.

I know.

You have really improved,
Andy. Who taught you?

Oh, um...

Yeah, some guy.

Just some fruity guy.

Hey! Just because
a guy can dance

doesn't mean he's fruity.

I'm sure his wife is
incredibly satisfied.

Andy, I'm just... I'm really
touched that you'd do that.

Well, I know how important

that dance at your
wedding is to you.

Oh.
Thank you.

JIM: Look at that.

Andy's gonna dance
with Dana at the wedding.

The wedding is
saved. Isn't that great?

Yeah, sure, whatever.
Good for them.

What's wrong with you?

It's nothing. I'm
fine. I'm not mad.

Great!

You know what
really ticks me off?

I thought you said
you weren't mad.

Oh, you knew I was!
Yeah, I knew you were.

We're gonna be the
only couple not dancing

at Dana's wedding.

We've gone over this before.

Some people have the
dancing gene. I don't.

Come on, Jim, let's just take
one lesson. We can do this.

Come on, Cheryl.

I want to dance with my husband

at my sister's wedding.
Is that too much to ask?

Come on, honey.

If Andy can do it,
you can do it.

Just one lesson.
Do it for me.

Please?

You are so sexy when you beg.

First lesson's free.

Sitting at home is free.

Come on! This is the
last family wedding

I'm gonna get to dance at!

Excuse me? Aren't
you forgetting someone?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Until the kids get married!

You're not gonna give
up on this thing, are you?

Let's just say

you don't know where
I buy the good mustard.

Oh... (CHUCKLES)

All right, you win.

Yay! I love you, I love you!

Hey, Andy, I need
the name and number

of your dance instructor.

Uh...

Yeah. Um...

He moved to Canada
to marry his life partner.

Oh.

Oh, it's the season of weddings.

I bet he's not marrying...

ALL: A doctor. We know.

(MAMBO MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo!

Very nice, Jon and Linda.

You will be a sensation at your
parents' wedding anniversary.

Now who's left?

Anybody?

All right, Cheryl.

And...
Jim.

Cheryl, I am terrible.
Look at these people.

They're all afraid of
me. Let's just go home.

Jim, honey, we got off
to a bit of a rocky start,

but it's only our second class.

I am not giving up on you.

(MAMBO MUSIC PLAYING)

Honey. Okay. See? Perfect?

Honey, not yet.

Honey, will you dance with me?

Honey, dance with
me! With me, baby.

See? Good!
Good!

Whoo! Ahh!

No! Honey!
Honey!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You okay, baby?

Yeah. And I am giving up on you.

In my 18-year career,

I have never had
to say this, but...

The dance is not in you, sir.

Wh-what are you saying?

I'm saying I don't
have enough insurance.

Please.
Don't come back.

All right, everybody,
good class.

I'll see almost everybody
here next week.

You were very good.
You were very good!

You sucked!

I know.

Cheryl, let's face
it, I just can't dance.

I never could.

No, you know what?
It's my fault.

I shouldn't have made you do it.

It is, kind of. I mean,
you knew. I told you.

What?

Nothing.

I just miss my dad.

You know, when I
was little, he used to...

He used to put my feet
on top of his, and then,

he'd dance me around and around

and around and...

I felt like I was flying.

I just thought that...

(SIGHS)

Doesn't matter.

(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)

What are you doing?

We're gonna dance.

Oh, Jim.

Can't you at least
wait for the feeling

to come back into my feet?

Oh, my God!
Jim!

You can dance!

Oh!

Oh!

How are you doing this?

Very, very well.

No, no, I mean...

How did this happen?

Well, I might have
taken a lesson or two.

What? When?

Well, until puberty
made it impossible.

All this time...

All those weddings and parties,

we could have been dancing.

Mmm-hmm. That's
exactly why I didn't tell you.

I don't get it.

Well, Cheryl,
think of it this way.

Let's say you knew
that I was Superman.

Right.

Well, you'd have me
taking cats out of trees

and stopping crime
and cooking your eggs

with my heat vision.

And you know what?

I don't want to do that.

I just want to sit in
my Fortress of Solitude

and watch TV.

Well, then...

Why tell me now?

Well...

Dana's not the only
one missing her father.

Oh.

Ohh...

I get...
I totally get it.

You don't want this
to be a regular thing.

That's right.

I get it.

But there is this
charity ball coming up...

No, Cheryl.

But it's a good cause.
It's the girls' school.

No!

How about my birthday?

No!

(GASPS)

Are you telling me you're
not gonna dance with me

on my birthday?

All right.

But just the two of us

in our living room.

I'd love it.

But instead of the living room,

let's go to a dance club.

Damn you, woman!

Is there anything
else you can do

that you're not telling me?

Not that I can think of.

Hmm...

Can you cook?
No!

Absolutely not.

Although your spaghetti
can use a pinch more basil.

Or chocolate.
I don't know.

Or do I?