According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 17 - The Mustache - full transcript

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(GRUNTS)

Oh, come on, Andyman.

You got to earn the burn, baby.

Whoo!

(GROANS PAINFULLY)

Andy, Andy, Andy,
Andy, what are you doing?

Oh. Uh, just
pumping some iron.

I want to look good for Alicia

when she makes her deliveries.

The other day she said

if I worked out,
I'd look hotter.



You know what would
make you look hotter?

Some pink leg warmers to go
with those pink dumbbells.

I stole them from Dana.

Nine years ago she borrowed
my favorite pie tin

and never returned it.

Vengeance, thy name is dumbbell.

Come on. Son of a gun,
where's Alicia?

She's usually here by now.

You know she's got
a boyfriend, right?

Yes, I'm aware of that.

But when an A-plus chick
compliments you, Jim,

it gives you the confidence
to hit on the C-minuses.

Hell, with these guns,

I may even go for a solid C.



Every doctor you've been to
has begged you to exercise,

and you want a second opinion.

But some cute blonde
in brown pants says

one little thing...

Oh, please. Come on.

You suck in your gut
when she comes by.

You know what that's
called? Breathing.

One uses their entire

diaphragm for optimal health.

Are you saying that a hot chick

has no effect on you at all?

I have a hot chick at home.

Her name is my wife.

That's all I need.

And like they say,
you know what?

Why go out for hamburger

when you get the cow for free?

(TRUCK RUMBLING OUTSIDE)

Oh, God! She's here.

Andy, what are you doing?
(GRUNTING)

Hey, guys. What's up?

BOTH: Hey, Alicia.

I didn't know you
were coming today.

All right. Working out
and looking good.

Well...
(PANTING)

It's not about looks.

It's about being healthy.

Good attitude.

I love the smiley face you
put over the I in Jim.

(CHUCKLES) Well,
you know, if you can't put

a smile on someone's
face every day,

what's the point
of getting out of bed?

If only everyone
thought that way.

There'd be no wars,
I'll tell you that.

That is so true.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

Oh, anyway, I got another
package outside, but it's pretty big.

Oh...
I'll get it! Me!

What is it, like 60, 70 pounds?

Because, uh, that's how
much I'm curling these days.

All right!

You, you keep looking good.

Me and the twins,

we'll be right back.

Hey! Someone bought
a new shirt.

See, I told you
that's your color.

You did? You know,
I don't recall that.

Oh, it so brings out your eyes.

Well, that's good,
because you know what?

I keep my eyes open
most of the day,

then at night I, uh...

I close them.

You know what else would
look awesome on you?

What's that?
A mustache.

Come on!
Get out of here.

Seriously.
Mustaches are back.

I know, because I have
a friend who goes

to the Rhode Island
School of Design.

A mustache?

I don't know.

Oh, come on. With
those cheekbones?

Well, I have been looking
for a way to accent them.

I...

(GRUNTING)

Well, ah!

It's time to get back to work.

I guess I'd better be
heading to my desk.

All right, bye, guys.

All right, Alicia, bye-bye.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Andy, Andy, you can drop
the act. She's gone.

Yeah. I think
I pulled something.

JIM: Oh, baby.

Anybody need a little
top-off of juice?

Daddy, when is your face
going to come back?

Yeah. You look weird.

Well, look, it's going to be a little
hard to get used to, that's for sure.

But a lot of great
men had mustaches.

Albert Einstein, Mike Ditka...

Yosemite Sam.

KIDS: Oh...

I like your mustache, Daddy.

Well, thank you,
my new favorite.

Oh, by the way, I borrowed
your doll's comb. Is that all right?

Keep it.

Daddy, you look like Aunt
Kunka from the old country.

That's who it is! Thank you!

That has been driving me crazy!

All right, guys, time
to get ready for school.

Aunt Kunka. Please.

She had a full beard.

Honey, would you sit down?

I need to talk to you about
something I think is important.

Sure, sure.

(SIGHS)
Anything, my young love.

Yes?

Lose the 'stache.

What?

Well, honey, I know this is
a new look you wanted to try,

and I really thought
I'd be okay with it,

but now that it's
officially a mustache...

What are you talking about?

This looks good on me.

Yeah. Not so much.

Well, for your information,
there are a lot of people

that think this is really cool.

Who?

You know...

People.

I mean, when you're
walking down a mall

and some guy yells,
"Hey, nice mustache!"

You don't stop and say,
"What's your name?"

So, nobody?

A guy in the mall!

Look, honey...

Jim, when you kissed
me last night,

you scratched my face.

Ok, fine. No more kissing.

It's not my favorite
part anyway.

Hey!

Cheryl, come on!

This mustache is an
expression of who I am.

Like you women, you know,
with your burning the bras,

the right to vote,
wanting to be astronauts.

You got to respect
my choice, okay?

Hear me roar.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to work.

Hey.
Hey.

Say hello to the policeman
and the Indian chief for me.

Cheryl, help me out here.

Aunt Kunka.

Oh, my God! That's it!
Thank you! Oh, my God!

Look, you know I am all for
anything that covers up Jim's face,

but, I mean, this is ridiculous.

It's got to go. Why
won't he get rid of it?

I know. Apparently
he's taken a moral stand.

It's an expression of who he is.

Well, yeah. He also
says that when he farts.

I know, but what can I do?

Fight fire with fire.

Oh, I don't want
to grow a mustache.

No, Cheryl, I'm saying

take something that Jim
loves about you and change it.

And then when he complains...

Trade it for the mustache!

Exactly.
That is brilliant!

That's brilliant. Thank you.

You know, I got to do something,

because he's starting to twirl
the corners and laugh maniacally.

(GROANS)

Cheryl?

I'll be right out.

Hey, Jim, you know,
I was thinking about

what you were saying
about your mustache

and how important it is to you,

and you were right.

Thank you.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

You know what, Cheryl? I
think I got a little, you know,

Tom Selleck thing going on here.

Yeah, you know, you can do whatever
you want with your appearance,

and I have absolutely
no say in the matter.

Well, thank you
for respecting my body.

All right, let's play

Magnum PI and hot guest star.

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

What do you think?
I dyed it.

Cheryl!

I thought it was
time for a change.

I got inspired by your mustache.

Cheryl.

Oh, no. What
have I done?

You hate it.

Cheryl.

I love it!

Lose the robe!
What!

Cheryl, you are hot!

Are you kidding me?

No! You're dark
and mysterious.

Give me some of that
brunette sugar, baby!

Wait. Ooh!

I was worried you wouldn't
like it, because, you know,

you're always going on
and on about how much

you love my blonde hair.

This... This is good, baby.

Good. Great.

Okay, all right, let's forget
about Magnum PI, all right?

Let's play a wounded GI soldier
and lonely Italian housewife.

All right, I say, "Can you
help me find my unit?"

And you say...
I know what I say!

Hello? I got your lunch.

Oh. Not here.

Oh, God. Don't they
ever air this thing out?

It smells like the boys'
locker room in high school.

From what I hear.

Oh. Look at me.

All blonde and special.

Now I'm just
brunette and boring.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

These are my dumbbells. I
can't believe Andy took them.

Wow. And you fired
your cleaning woman.

I have got to find a way
to get Andy back.

I know, I know.

Why don't you talk him
into dyeing his hair?

Jeez. I didn't know
brunettes could be so snotty.

I did.

Oh, hi. Are Jim
and Andy here?

Uh, no, but I'm Jim's wife.
I can sign for that.

Oh, hi! You're Jim's wife?

Oh, Jim is the greatest.
Oh...

And are you Andy's girlfriend?

He told me you lived in Canada.

No. I'm his sister.
He stole my dumbbells.

Oh. That might
be my fault.

I'm the one who told him
he should start working out.

I'm always giving people
advice on how to look better.

Bet your friends love that.

Oh! Jim and Andy sure do.

That cool mustache? My idea.

BOTH: Oh.

So we have you to
thank for that mustache.

Oh, please.
It's nothing.

Jim and Andy just listen to
me because I have a friend

who goes to the Rhode
Island School of Design.

Yeah, that must be it.

They have so much respect
for that institution.

Listen, um...
Um, Alicia,

I think it's just great that you're
helping Jim out with his new look.

Oh, it's nothing.

You do?
Stay with me.

Because, you know, there are so
many things I'd like to get Jim to try,

but he just won't listen to me.

Men.

They never do what
you want them to.

Really?

I don't have that problem.

Oh...

You know, if there
were only some way

for me to get Jim
to wear what I want.

Yeah.

BOTH: Hmm...

Whoa! Brain blast!

Maybe I could suggest
something to Jim for you.

What a great idea!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, and don't forget Andy.

He really needs a look.

Ooh, great!

Well, what do you
want to see them in?

Would you give us a minute?

CHERYL: Wow! You know,

Jim, I got to be honest.

Not a lot of guys
could pull that off.

DANA: No.

In a million years,
I never would have thought

of a kilt for you,
but it totally works.

I know!

Well, I understand it's all
the rage in Rhode Island.

Really?
Hey, honey,

will you do Braveheart for me?

Please?

Freedom!

Oh!

That is so sexy.

(GASPS)

I'm going to save some of that
Scottish butter cookie for you.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(MACHO MAN PLAYING)

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, you wish
you looked this good!

Here's a fashion tip
for you guys,

butt cracks are out this season!

Man, these guys know
nothing about fashion!

Tell me about it.

Andy, what the hell
happened to you?

Did you cover
yourself in cheese?

What? I got a spray-on tan.

Look at you. You're
wearing a dress.

This is not a
dress, it's a kilt.

It's what Scottish guys
wear to kick some ass.

Bet you it's easy to kick ass

when all you have to do
is lift a guy's skirt.

Hey, hey!

I'm going to rough you up...

(CLEARS THROAT)

What do you want, Kenny?
Oh.

Uh, I need some pencils

because I'm out of pencils.

Right there.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, clumsy me. I...

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Jim, he's taking
pictures up your dress!

Give me that!

It's not a dress, it's a kilt!

Kenny, what are you doing?

Are you taking pictures
because I look weird?

No, some of the guys
aren't here today,

and they'd never believe, uh...

How great you look.

Let me ask you
a question, Kenny,

and I want you to be truthful.

Pretend I'm not your boss. I'm
just some guy you met in a bar.

I don't go to those
kind of bars.

I guess that answers
your question, loser.

Loser? Kenny,
tell me the truth.

What do you think he looks like?

Like a creepy jack-o'-lantern.

Get out of here! Go!

All right, Jim,

I guess there's a better
than average chance

we both look ridiculous.

I can't understand it.
Alicia specifically said

I had great calves and
I'd look great in a kilt.

Since when do you care
what Alicia thinks?

I don't care what Alicia thinks.

But I do respect the Rhode
Island School of Design.

It's very prestig... Oh, my
God! I'm wearing a dress!

(GASPS)

And I'm a big gay pumpkin!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Why would Alicia do this to us?

I don't know!

Well, you can sure as hell
bet I'm going to ask her

when she drops off
those Martin plans today.

No. She already
dropped them off.

She did? Oh, you
signed for them?

No. I thought you did.

No. I wasn't...
Who signed for them?

Cheryl.

BOTH: Cheryl!

You tricked me into
wearing a skirt to work!

And look what you did to me!

I look like a great
big Oompa Loompa!

Cheryl, you told me
I looked good in this!

You lied to me!

No, no, no.
I set you up.

You of all people should
know the difference.

But why me, Cheryl?
I'm orange everywhere.

Everywhere!

It was me, you idiot!

What did I ever do to you?

You stole my dumbbells!

You had it coming. You
took my favorite pie tin!

Oh, any tin with a pie in
it is your favorite pie tin.

You know, when I sweat,
this stuff runs.

So?

So, you have a
brand-new white couch.

Cheryl, you let me go
out there wearing a dress!

No, Jim, it's a kilt.

It's a dress!

I know you talked
to Alicia, didn't you?

Oh, you mean the talking rack
who just loves your mustache?

Cheryl, Alicia is a valued colleague
of mine whose opinion I respect.

And besides, she has
a friend that goes to...

I know, I know, I know. The
Rhode Island School of Design.

Hey, hey, I have a friend
in medical school.

Can I take out your appendix?

Yes, you can.

There! I win!
Oh...

You know what I want to know?

Why did you listen
to her over me?

Cheryl, it's a very
complicated issue,

and frankly, the subtleties, I don't
think you're going to be able to grasp.

Because the hot chick
thought you were cute?

That would be it.

Okay, I win. Honesty.

Wait, Jim, come back here!

I'm your wife, Jim.

I love your face the way it is.

It's the first thing
I see in the morning

and the last thing
I see at night.

It's the face I've kissed
for the last 13 years

and I will for the next 50.

Come on.

Doesn't that mean more than
what some young hot chick says?

Not really.
Oh!

Oh, come on, Cheryl,
I love you like crazy.

But I'm a guy!

It's normal for a guy to
get a little jolt when a...

You know, a chick that's not
your wife gives you a little attention.

Why?

Well, you know, it makes
you feel like you still got it.

Oh, come on, Cheryl. You
know what I'm talking about.

How about when those
three bag boys

carry one loaf of bread
to your car for you?

All right, I'll give you that.

All right. We agree.

So I won two, and this
one's a push. Let's go eat.

You know what's
really bothering me?

Oh, man...

Why do we have to go to
"What's really bothering me"

after I win two out of three?

Hey, close your
legs, Sharon Stone.

You know what it is?
You chose Alicia over me.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You did.

You knew I hated that
mustache, and you kept it anyway.

That makes her more
important than me.

You know I would
never do that to you.

Well, in my defense,

I really didn't bother
to think about it.

Well...

Think about it now.

Now come on, Cheryl.

You know you're the most
important woman in the world to me.

I do.

Is that potato chip?

Taco shell.

Ugh!

All right.

I'll go shave it off.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, but, honey, don't
take off the kilt just yet.

Why not?

Well, you know, I always
wanted to go to Scotland,

and you do have amazing calves.

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Aye, lassie, I do, don't I?

And a terrible Scottish accent.

Aye, that, too.

Hey, do you really like
my hair this way?

Yes.

Doesn't it bother you that it
doesn't really look like me?

No, I get the best
of both worlds.

I get to be with another woman,

and you're there, too.