According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 14 - A Crying Shame - full transcript

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Oh, here, here!

Found it.
Stop your search.

I found something
we'll both enjoy.

Look at this Cop Fights Dracula.

Oh, and the cop's uniform
is a bikini.

Pass.

Oh, here's one.

"Single dad finds
love again." Oh!

Let me guess,
his kid wears glasses.

Yeah, and they're too big
for his face. Isn't that so cute?

(MOCKINGLY) So cute!
Pass.



Oh!

Here's my backup.
Here.

A cop and a dog fight the mafia.

No!

Oh, Jim, oh, ok.

Look, honey,
The Bells of Portugal.

It has something for you and
something for me. It's got romance for me,

and war for you.

Give me that.

This isn't war.

War is when Robert Mitchum

is chewing on a cigar,
cutting down Nazis.

Oh.

No, this one just uses war
to keep lovers apart,



so they can look at
each other's pictures and cry.

Oh!
No.

Oh, but, honey, look
at them. He's wounded,

and she's wearing
a big hat with a veil.

Oh, it looks so sad.

I love that.

I don't get you women. You
will pay money to see something

that you know is gonna
make you sad. Yeah?

When you can go to a funeral

any day of the week
here in town.

For free!

Honey, a good cry is
like a cleansing rain.

It washes everything out of you.

You should try it sometime.

I do cry, Cheryl.

I'm a Cubs and a Bears fan.

Oh.

No, no. Nuh-uh.

Listen, you women always say
that you want a sensitive man,

a vulnerable man who cries.

Trust me, Cheryl, you don't.

Oh, what do you know
about what women want?

I know plenty about women.

I know they want
a strong man, a real man,

the kind of guy who bottles up
all his emotions inside.

Well, all I can tell you
is that I would be proud

to be with a man with
emotional depth and compassion.

Wrong, Cheryl, absolutely wrong.

It upsets the natural
order of things.

It's like guys wearing clogs.

Wrong!

Well, I think it's sexy when
a man's not afraid to cry.

Well, then, let me let
you in on a little secret.

What?

There is one movie that
tears me up a little bit.

Really? What?

Robot Warrior 2.

Oh!

It's the tender tale of a robot

(VOICE BREAKING)
who loves revenge,

and a robot can't
make it quite...

I can't get through it.
It's too much!

Fine. Get your stupid
robot movie,

but I am watching
The Bells of Portugal.

Fine.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!

How about this one?
Kicked In The Crotch.

Oh!

Come on,
it's the director's cut.

Oh, Kicked In The Crotch,

very good movie.

See?

JIM: Oh, baby!

Come on, Jim.

Jim, would you get off it? No.

No!

Anyone in my position would
have done the same thing.

No, no, not anyone!

If a bird pooped in my fries,
I would not eat around it!

Hey, Ruby,
ask your Uncle Andy...

Can't. Got ballet.
Got to go.

Hey, Gracie, do you know...

Can't. Don't care.
Got to go.

Hey, Kyle, do you know that...

Mommy said I can
get my Rocket Dog toy.

Rocket Dog! Rocket Dog!

Rocket Dog.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I am listening.
What did he do?

I don't need your pity interest.

Good. Frees up
a lot of my day.

Hey, wait a minute!
Where are you going?

We got the DVDs to return here.

Don't you want to
take them with you?

Oh, honey,
I haven't watched mine yet.

I'm gonna return it tomorrow.

Oh, all right.

Well, I'll have the
chauffeur drive the butler

to drop off the late fee.

It's $2.

Well, as long as it's going

for a good cause, Cheryl.

Hollywood!

Yeah, Jim, Tom Cruise
would be living in a box

without your late fees.

(CHERYL LAUGHING)

Ah, Robot Warrior 2.
Seen it.

Acting, C.

Violence and robot sex, A-plus.

Oh, my God!

The Bells of Portugal,
I have to see this.

I heard it was fantastic.

Yeah, if you have boobs.

Hello.

MAN ON TV: Well, hello, Miss
Felicity. Charmed to meet you.

My name is Nigel.
Captain Nigel Ellis.

FELICITY:
Don't you find Paris

rather dispiriting these days,
Captain Ellis?

NIGEL: I'd really rather
you call me Nigel.

I'd really rather you shut up.

(GUNFIRE)

NIGEL: Dear God!
The Nazis are here!

FELICITY:
And they've got my father!

He's got a weak heart!

Let him go, you monsters!

NIGEL: Take that, Fritz!

That's for Scotty
and Pete and the major!

That's for every English life
you've ended too soon!

NIGEL: Doctor...
Doctor, please.

Give my morphine to Boswell.

He needs it more than I.

DOCTOR: Damn your
pride, man! We need you.

The crown needs you.
Now rest.

NIGEL: Rubbish. Don't...

(COUGHING)
...worry about me.

I'm in ripping good form.

She met you under the bells
like she promised.

Kiss her, Nigel.

Kiss her!

(CAR APPROACHING)

Oh, damn!

Nazi scum!

(CLEARS THROAT)

What happened?
Is the movie over?

Well, you fell asleep,
you big girl,

so I put on the robot movie.

Oh, well, can I borrow
Bells of Portugal?

No. No!

I mean, Cheryl
hasn't seen it yet.

Here, here.
How about this one?

Kicked In The Crotch.

Seen it.

Director's cut.
Ooh, gimme.

"Five minutes of never-before-seen
groin-kicking action."

I may be late to work tomorrow.

(CHUCKLES)

ANDY: Oh, hey.

Hey.

Rocket Dog! Rocket
Dog! Rocket Dog!

I'm going to bed.
I have a headache.

The kid never shuts up.

Hey, baby.

Are your eyes red?

Yes.
Yeah?

Yes, they are.

Uh, you know, I was watching
that robot movie,

and when I see that
action and violence,

I forget to blink.
Right.

Night-night.
Good night. Good night.

Wait! Are you okay?
You seem kind of weird.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm in ripping good form.

I mean, I'm fine.

Night.

Good night.

NIGEL:
Felicity, there's

something I must tell you.

What, Nigel, what?

FELICITY:
What, Nigel? What?

CHERYL: Jim, would you
put Kyle to bed

while I get the girls ready?

(SNARLS)

Damn!

Daddy, Daddy!

Somebody put Rocket Dog
in the toilet!

Ruby!

RUBY: What?

Gracie!

GRACIE: I don't know
where his stupid dog is!

It was Gracie.

Go get one of her dolls
and give it a haircut.

All right!

All right, honey, Dana and I
are gonna run some errands

and return those DVDs.

What? No. Why?

Why? Because you're gonna
start complaining about the late fees,

then you're gonna
turn off the heat.

You have plenty of
quarters in your closet.

What did you rent?

The Bells of Portugal.

Oh, yuck. What a load that was.

BOTH: You saw it?

DANA: Oh, yeah.

They got a thousand
years of culture,

and they give us this?

Thanks for the crap, England.

Oh, and the hero,
Neil or somebody...

Nigel.

Probably.

It's an English movie.
There's always a Nigel.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) So, Nigel
goes to meet Felicity under the bells,

and at the end...

(HUMMING LOUDLY)

What?

I don't think Cheryl
wants to hear about

some stupid pact of meeting
under some stupid bells.

How'd you know about the pact?

Oh, my God!
You watched the movie!

Rubbish.

I watched the robot movie, and
the robot destroyed the world.

And you know what?
I loved it!

Ok, so if I go out to the player
right now and pop out the DVD,

it's gonna be that robot movie?

Ha!

Ha!

Bells of Portugal.

Well, well, well.

I cannot believe you'd
watch that sappy thing.

It is not sappy,
it's a good movie!

Sorry, but when a man behaves

like a lovesick teenage
girl, I find it off-putting.

You thought Nigel
was like a girl?

I wasn't talking about Nigel.

Dana, leave him be.

I think it's great
that Jim watched

a sensitive, emotional
movie and appreciated it.

This is a whole
new level for him.

Ha! Face!

And a whole new level of
maturity for us. Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Jim, my big sensitive guy,

what do you say
we put the kids to bed early

and watch the movie together?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Delightful idea.

Show yourself to
the door, young Dana.

No problem. And then I'll
show myself down to the bar

and tell all your friends

what a giant nancy
you are. Face!

You won't do that, Dana.

Watch me.

Fourth of July, margaritas,
Carlos the lifeguard!

Cheryl,

I was told I could rely on
your discretion in that matter.

Yeah. That one kind of
got away from me.

Then we'll say no more
on the subject. Good day.

(DOOR CLOSES)

FELICITY: I picked the
wrong time to fall in love.

NIGEL: I suppose no one told
our hearts there was a war on.

(SNIFFLES)

FELICITY:
London may pin her hopes

on you and Fighter
Command, Nigel,

but the only hope
for our love now is...

Portugal.

(CRYING)

You know what? You
are absolutely right, Cheryl.

I mean, I just feel
totally cleansed.

It's like all my pent-up anger
stuck to the snot

and went right into my tissue.

That's right.

That's exactly
what I've been saying...

In a much less disgusting way.

Well, now that I'm absolutely
in touch with my emotions,

I bet you never wanted me more.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I'll want you more
after you brush your teeth.

You know, Cheryl,
I don't understand

why they didn't let Felicity and Nigel
get together at the end of that film.

I mean, it just,
it was just sad.

Oh, I don't know.
It was just a movie.

Oh, damn it!

The top of this toothpaste
fell down the drain.

Now it's gonna be
all clogged up.

You know what I want to get?

I want to get that pump
toothpaste, like the kids have.

It's not fair!

How come the kids get
pump toothpaste, and I don't?

I want some for me!
I want! I want! I...

(CRYING)

It broke! It broke!
It broke!

What?

So, can you pick some up?

What?

Nothing.

All right, then.

Let's get down to some loving.

Yeah, you know what, honey?

I really feel kind of emotionally
drained from that movie.

Maybe we should
just go to sleep.

What?
You said you wanted me.

(WHINING) You said
we were gonna do it.

I want to do it.

I wanna do it, do it.

I want some love!

(CADILLAC MAN PLAYS)

(PLAYING HIGH NOTES)

Andy, stop it!
Stop it!

What are you doing?

Hey, that's not how
Cadillac Man goes.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Jim.

I got the Bells of Portugal
theme running through my mind.

I know how you like that.

What do you know?

I know plenty.

Cheryl told you I cried?

You cried? No.

Dana told me you liked it.
She didn't say you cried.

Dana!

So, big, tough Jim cried, huh?
Hey, let me ask you

how are those boobs
coming along?

Jim cried during the movie?

Oh, God, I'd love to see that.

No. No, you wouldn't.

That giant head
holds a lot of tears.

No, it's freaky.

What happened to the woman

who thought a sensitive
man was strong and sexy?

Yeah, that looks good on paper,

but when it's blubbering
next to you on the couch...

Yikes!

All right, all right.

Maybe one manly tear
slid down my cheek,

kind of like that Indian
who hated pollution.

You cried. Attagirl.

Oh, don't worry.
I won't tell the guys.

Hey, I got nothing to be
embarrassed about here.

But don't tell the guys, anyway.

Look, I think it's very
healthy for our marriage

for me to be vulnerable
and for Cheryl to see that.

And you know what? A
good cry felt really good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I thought it was
one tear, chief.

Whatever.
It was cathartic.

And I learned a
new word, "cathartic."

Well, hey, buddy,

you're gonna be real happy
with this piece of news.

I'm just glad it's over.

And I'll tell you something else

I am never watching another
movie like that with him again.

Cheryl, Cheryl!
Cheryl!

Guess what's playing
down at the mall.

Oh, please be something
with crotch kicking.

No, Portuguese Cathedral.

It's the sequel to our movie,

Bells of Portugal.

And Nigel and Felicity have
a second chance at love!

FELICITY:
How could you do it, Nigel?

How could you let me
think you dead?

Get out! I hate you!

NIGEL: I shouldn't wonder
you're angry, Felicity,

but you must understand.

It couldn't be helped.
Lives were at stake!

(SNIFFLES)

(BELL RINGING)

I want to be selfish.

With the Allied invasion
coming up, I'm afraid

we'll have to put our love
on hold for the duration.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
You never put me first.

(SNIFFLING)

You hate me!

Don't you? You hate me!
(CRYING)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
My friend...

Why you cry like little girl?

This woman she love you, eh?

Kiss her.

I'd like to, flabby, old chum,

but I'm a bit
choked up right now.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) English
woman, why do you put up with this?

He does not need you,
he needs a "muzzer!"

A "muzzer?"

You know, like a
father, but a woman.

Prostitution
has made you stupid.

And you smell like fish!

Stop it! Stop it,
I say! I aughtta!

Stop it!

Stop it, or I swear, I'll...

(CRYING)

Aye, aye, aye!

Oh, no.

(SOBBING)
She doesn't like me!

NIGEL: Stop it.
You're talking nonsense.

Damn straight, Nigel.

Jim, I need to talk
to you in the lobby.

What? Can't it wait?

I mean, if Felicity
can wait for Nigel for...

Lobby!

Sad and sexy...

And the movie
ain't that bad, either.

Oh, it's so on.

(SIGHS)

All right, Cheryl.
Come on. Come on.

What was so important?

It's Felicity and Nigel
up on the screen!

This is hard.
What?

Okay, I'm gonna start here.

Um, honey...

You're making me sick.

I see, Cheryl. Can you
be a little more specific?

Yeah, I can.
It's the crying.

Crying?

At the movie?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought I wanted you
to be more emotional.

I really thought
it was something I wanted,

but I don't.

But I knew that!

I told you that
at the video store!

You did, and you were right.

It's not sexy, Jim.

No, because you see me
as like a girlfriend.

Well, like a giant baby,
but, okay.

No, you want to be
married to a strong guy

who bottles up all his emotions!

Exactly! So butch it up,
would you?

I knew it. You know what?
I blame myself for this.

I gave you
what you said you wanted

instead of what
you needed. I know.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm better than that!
I'm better than that!

You are!
You are, Jim.

You let me down.
Why?

Because, honey

because I'll tell you why.

It's very simple.

I was, uh...

I was gonna teach you a lesson.

You were faking?

(LAUGHS) Yes!

Come on, Cheryl. I don't care
about anybody's relationship.

You think I give a crap
about them?

Oh, my God!
It was a scheme!

Of course! It was
my best one to date.

Oh, honey, I am so relieved.

Oh, sometimes I forget
who I'm married to.

(LAUGHING) Yeah!

Oh, this is so great.

Now that you're my
great, big strong guy again,

I can go in and cry my eyes
out at the rest of the movie.

Wait, you want to go see
the rest of the movie now?

(MOUTHING) Oh, yeah!

The end is supposed
to be devastating!

Devastating?

Yeah. What?

You afraid you're gonna cry?

No!

I was kidding.

(CHUCKLES)
Me, too!

Ah!

That's why we're married.

Oh!

I love you.

That was the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen.

Why are you crying? I thought
you hated this kind of movie.

I do, because they make me cry!

Oh.

It's...
I mean, she...

Today, I become a better
person! I love you all!

What kind of person
refuses a hug?

I'll hug you, Andy.

Please. You're a mess.

What did you think?

Well, it used to be rated R

meant you'd see some boobs.

Oh!

Oh, Cheryl, geez.

I think I dropped my keys.

Oh, okay, I'll meet you
in the lobby.

Okay, dear.

(SIGHS)

Oh!

(SNIFFLES)

(CRYING) Portugal...

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I still hear
the sound of thy bittersweet bells.

(CRYING)