According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 13 - The Jealous Husband - full transcript

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And then Jim tried to set
her up with the cable guy

because he wanted to get
free pay-per-view.

Yeah, and on our first date,

he said he'd pick me up
on Saturday

between 12:00 and 4:00.

Didn't show up till 5:00.

Isn't that so funny,
Dr. Gibson?

Please, Cheryl, I've been
dating your sister now for a month.

You can call me Ryan.

Oh, oh, yeah, I know,
but it's weird.

I mean, 'cause you're
my fertility doctor,



and you've seen my...

Hey-nonny-hey-hey?

Well, I was gonna say
medical records, but...

Okay.

Hey, where have you been?

I had some business
to square away

with the maitre d'.

Oh, no, did you lie
and say it's your birthday

to get free cake?

Cheryl, give me some credit.

I lied and said
it was your birthday.

Uh, happy 50th, by the way.

You told them I was 50?

Honey, it was a tough sale.
I had to make it a milestone.



Don't worry, Cheryl.
You do not look 50.

And he's seen your
hey-nonny-hey-hey, so...

How's everyone's meal so far?

Oh, it's delicious.
And thank you so much

for recommending this wine.

It's one of my favorites.

Well, it's perfect.
Thank you, Greg.

Greg?

How do you know his name?

He introduced himself
when he came to the table.

And you remembered it?

I didn't remember it.

Of course, I don't want
to sleep with him.

What?

You just flirted with that guy.

You just hit on that guy
right in front of me.

Right in front of the world!

What are you talking about?

All she did was say
"dinner is delicious."

Don't make me relive it.

Honey!

I am not interested
in the waiter.

Oh, you didn't watch his tight
little ass as it walked away?

No!

Obviously you did.

I don't know...
Oh, my God!

You had the salmon!

He recommended the salmon!

I'm a fool!

Hey, Doc, you were here.
You witnessed the whole thing.

What's your take on it?

I'm a little confused right now,

because I ordered
the salmon, too.

No, you know what?
It's insane. It's insane.

Honey, I'm gonna give
you some time to calm down.

Yeah.

Dana, ladies' room?

Yeah. Yeah. Say hi
to sexy Greg for me!

Oh, oh, and here, here.
How about this?

Here's a quarter you can
bounce off his tight, young ass!

You know what?
And there's another thing!

Are you gonna eat
those potatoes?

Excuse me?
Too late.

Okay, Jim, what just
happened here?

I asked if you wanted
your potatoes.

You didn't say anything,
so I took them.

No, I'm talking about Cheryl.

You just went off on
her about the waiter.

Oh, that? Oh, yeah,
I was faking jealousy.

What?

Yeah, every couple months
or so, I fake jealousy.

Makes her feel good.
Makes her happy.

Usually when I see happy,
the smile goes this way.

"What's up?"

I know, I know.
She acts all mad,

but trust me, deep down inside,

she's loving it.

Yeah, you know,
it's real easy to do.

I mean, sometimes you can
do it with just one word.

Watch. Watch this.

(SIGHS) Forgot my lipstick.

Lipstick?

Lipstick?

Lipstick!

See how easy it is?

Oh, my cake!

Thank you.
My cake!

JIM: Oh, baby!

(CARTOONS ON TV)

Ha ha ha!

Oh, that's stupid.
I love it.

Oh, my snack!

Thank you so much, girls.

This is really
gonna hit the spot.

So can we stay up
till 10:00?

How's that now?

You said if we
brought you snacks,

you'd let us stay up
till 10:00.

No, Uncle Andy said
he'd think about it.

And he has.

And you're not.

Nighty-night.

Come on!

You promised!

Yeah, I know, and that's
tonight's lesson.

Grown-ups are liars.

(LAUGHING)

We got that water
out of the toilet.

Let's do this!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What's going on?

Just, uh, a little
game of tag. Yeah.

These mint juleps
here are just pure joy.

Aw, aren't they?

All right, my baby girls,
go up and get into bed

and I'll be right up
to tuck you in.

All in good fun, right, girls?

(SCREAMING)

What? They're weird.

Oh, man, thanks a lot
for dinner.

I just don't know
what happened to my wallet.

It's in your back pocket.

I'll be damned.

Always the last place you look.

All right, showtime.

(SADLY) Cheryl,
you're killing me!

(ANGRILY) Cheryl,
you're killing me!

Cheryl, you're killing me!

Are you still on that?

You bet I am. What's that
waiter got that I don't have?

All his chromosomes.

(LAUGHING) Nice.

You totally get me.

I can't believe after all these
years, you're still so jealous.

Yeah, and I can't believe
after all these years,

you're still shaking it
for any punk

who will fill your water glass!

You're getting all worked
up over nothing. Yeah.

Greg wasn't even the
best-looking waiter there.

All right, that's it.
That's it.

No, I'm going down there.
Andy, get some bail money,

'cause I'm gonna need it.

Honey, I'm kidding!

I'm kidding. Oh, you
are so misguided.

And so sweet.

Really?
Yes.

You know you're
the only man for me,

Greg.

Very funny! Very funny!
Cheryl, that's very funny!

(LAUGHING) I know.

Dana, you want to
help me make coffee?

Sure.

If my jealous husband will let
me out of his sight for that long.

Yeah, yeah.
Go make coffee.

It's not like I'm gonna
sleep anyway!

I'm gonna be up all night!

Greg, Greg, Greg!

Nicely done, Jim.

Thank you.
Nicely done.

Wait a minute.

Andy, you know about this
whole fake jealousy thing, too?

Fake jealousy?

Who said anything
about fake jealousy?

Why, I've never heard such a...

Andy, I told him.

Yeah, I know a thing or two.

Okay, here's what
I don't understand.

You're lying to your wife.

Just morally speaking,
aren't you on shaky ground?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Andy, were we ever that young?

Listen up, Gibson.
The doctor of love is in.

Okay...

He's got a Ph.D.
in wifeology.

Okay, listen...

You're gonna get a shot
of cassanova-caine.

Andy!

All right, listen, Doc.

See, a good friend of mine,
Stevie B., once told me,

you know what?

You can never take
a relationship for granted.

So every once in a while,
I go, you know, nuts.

Jealousy nuts.

You know, crazy jealousy,
you know?

I mean, I'll stomp my feet,
I'll yell, I'll make a scene,

I'll throw something
sometimes...

But nothing of value.
Nothing that's breakable.

See, it lets Cheryl know
that I still care for her.

You know, just because
she's my wife,

it doesn't mean
she doesn't deserve

to be treated like a girlfriend.

Couldn't you just tell
her you appreciate her?

(LAUGHS)

This one gets a girlfriend
and I'm drinking toilet water.

Where's the justice?

I'm still not buying it.

Jim?

Honey, you seem
kind of worked up.

Can I get you a glass of wine?

Yeah, yeah...

Whatever.

All right, I'm just gonna call Greg
and see what he recommends.

Hey!

I'm mad!

I'm crazy jealous right now!

Woo!

My God, she loves it.

Mm-hmm.

You really know what
you're talking about.

Come on, tell me more.
Let's go.

Oh...

All in good time, my friend.

Hey, but this is just
the tip of the iceberg.

Yeah, he once got Cheryl to
do yardwork on her birthday.

And she thanked him.

You know what, Doc?

You're in the in crowd now.

But there's a responsibility
that comes with that.

Like what?

Keeping your yap shut.

Dana can't know

because then Cheryl will know,

and that will be bad...

Really bad for everybody.

I got it.

Real bad.

I got it.

All right! Welcome
to the inner circle.

That's right.
Sweet, isn't it?

It's nice.
Three Musketeers now.

Damn it!

I drank toilet water again!

What is wrong with me?

Yeah, so a colleague
of mine gave me tickets

to Le Nozze di Figaro.

Oh! Is that opera?

Kinda hoping you'd know.

Why don't we just scalp them
and tie one on at a steakhouse?

You totally get me.

Hey, Chip, I'll have
the usual, please.

You got it, Dana.
And for you?

Decaf latte.

By the way, we got those
maple scones you like.

Oh, I've got to have
one of those. Thanks, Chip.

Chip.
(LAUGHS) Chip.

How do you know his name?

Oh, I come in here
almost every day.

Do you hit on him every day,
or just in front of me?

What? All I did was
order coffee and a scone.

Scone?

Scone!

Scone! (CHUCKLES)

Did you want one, too?

How long has this been
going on, huh?

How long have I been your patsy?

Ryan, you're making a scene.

Scene? You want a scene?
I'll give you a scene. Ha ha!

'Cause I'm jealous.
I'm crazy jealous!

I'm crazy scone jealous!

(MAKES SPLASHING NOISE)
Ha ha!

Yeah!
Walk away, walk away!

Now, imagine if that had been
like, a real mug full of coffee.

That'd have been a scene.

(BARKS)

Sit. Sit. Sit.

Good boy.

Daddy, look at our new dog.

Are you having fun, doggy?

I pooped in the tub.

Can we get a real dog?

Well, you're gonna
have to show me

that you can clean up after
your brother first.

Come on.

(SOBBING)
Hey, Dana, what's up?

(WHINING
INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

Dana, Dana, we had a deal!
We had a deal!

Dana, we had a deal
about these hugs! Cheryl!

Cheryl! Your sister's here!

She's a little upset.

Shut up! Turn around!
Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!

Oh, my God!

Oh, honey, what's wrong?

(CRYING) Ryan is a total
psycho, that's what's wrong!

CHERYL: What?

Well, well, sounds like
girl talk now.

Just let me know
how it turns out.

He said I was flirting with
this guy in the coffee shop,

and he flew into this
jealous rage for no reason.

I'm here for you.

He was just ranting and raving.

It was really weird.

He just kept saying,
"Scone, scone, scone."

That idiot!
I'm gonna kill him!

For hurting you.

My family.

Oh, you know, sweetie, I'm
sure he just had a bad day.

You know what you need to do?

You need to just call him.

I'm sure there's an explanation.

That is the worst thing
you could do!

Don't call him!
He's a jerk!

Well...
Come on, he upset you!

Forget him.
Make a clean break.

Move to another town.
I'll help you pack.

Jim...

Cheryl, for once Jim is right.

When I left the coffee shop,

I called Ryan and I broke up
with him on his answering machine.

We are over.

I am proud of you, girl.

I am so proud of you.

That took so much courage.

Listen to me.
Men are really trouble.

They're bad.

I always thought you'd make
a better lesbian anyway.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

All right, I'll get
that, all right?

But I'm gonna take this with
me in case you feel weak.

And your cell phone.

Dana...

I'm all about you.

Baby, I'm sorry.

But you know,
look at the bright side.

At least you found out early.

It's not like you went out
and bought a wedding dress.

I want to talk to Dana.
I know she's here!

Calm down, calm down!

(EXCLAIMING IN FRUSTRATION)

Okay, I know what happened,
and we're gonna work on it.

Let me cover this first.

(YELLING) What's that?

Oh, you're conducting a
door-to-door survey on sandwiches?

Absolutely. You can have
all the time you need with me.

(WHISPERING) What is
wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?

I took your advice,
and Dana broke up with me.

Well, of course she did!

What?

Look, when you act jealous
when you're married,

it's romantic.

When you act jealous
when you're dating,

you're a psycho!

You never told me that!

It was implied!

You never treat a girlfriend
like a girlfriend!

You treat a girlfriend
like a wife!

Oh, man, I've ruined the best
thing that's ever happened to me.

Damn right. I don't think our
relationship's gonna recover.

I'm talking about Dana.

I'm just gonna go in there
and tell her the truth.

The truth!

Come on, Doc.

How many points do you think
you're gonna score with Dana

telling her that I
gave you this advice?

I'm screwed.

Yeah.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, just don't panic,
all right?

You're new at this. I'm
gonna walk you through it.

You just gotta listen to me,
listen to me.

But taking your advice got
me here in the first place...

But, but, but, but,
beep, beep, beep,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

You want to argue with me?

You're gonna be doing
10 push-ups.

But I just feel like...
But, but, but...

I think I found someone
who likes push-ups!

You!

That's 20 for you now.

Come on, let me see 'em.

Hey, you want Dana back or not?

Come on, hump it.

All right.

Here's the plan.

Nice form, by the way.

Who was the guy that you
pretended to be jealous over?

Chip, the guy that works
at the coffee shop

she always goes to.

Chip.

Yeah, that's good.

We're gonna need Chip.

Why?

That "why?"
Just cost you 40.

Don't you mean 30?
Fifty!

Keep that butt down!

Hmm. Look at her.

There's my future.

Old and alone.

Oh...

All right, well,
maybe not alone,

but childless.

Damn it!

Honey.
Look, I know this is hard.

You know what you need to do?

You need to talk to Mom.

(SCOFFS) Why would I do that?

'Cause I already told her
and she's calling you later.

Cheryl!

She was riding me about
not circumcising Kyle.

I had to change the subject.

(DANA SIGHS)

Here are your coffees, ladies.

This one's on me, Dana.

Aw, thank you.

My pleasure.

That'll be
$2.25, ma'am.

So, where's your guy?

Oh, we broke up.

Yeah...

I had a feeling when
you were flirting with me

that you two just
weren't gonna make it.

No, I wasn't flirting with you.

(CHUCKLES)

Dana...

If there's one thing I've
learned in the coffee game,

it's when a lovely lady
is looking for company.

Okay, I've officially
hit rock bottom.

By the way, raging
kegger Saturday night.

The Chipster hates flying solo.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Okay, now I'm looking up
at rock bottom.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

If this kid thinks
you were flirting with him,

maybe you were.

Oh, my God, maybe I was.

That means Ryan is not
a complete psycho!

Right! And I'm
just a pathetic flirt

who has to attract men to
validate her own self-worth.

That's just what Mom said!

Oh, my God!

I've got to go find Ryan!

Thank you, Cheryl.

Oh, no problem.
That's what sisters are for.

Hey, Mom, it's me.

You were right!
She is a pathetic flirt!

No, Kyle is too old
to have it done now.

Well, that was Dad's generation.

And in closing,

I urge you to consider
dumping the purple horseshoes

from your otherwise fine cereal.

Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.

Yours truly.

Cc the governor?
As always.

Hey!

ANDY: Ah,
there's the happy couple.

Yeah. Cheryl told me
the good news.

You guys are back together, huh?

Yeah, it was all
a silly misunderstanding.

You want to hear all about it?

Nah.
Not really.

I was just being polite.

Cheryl in the kitchen?

Yeah, she has to
clean up after the dog.

You don't have a dog.

It's a long story.

(CHUCKLES)
Hey!

JIM: How about it, huh?

Didn't I tell you slipping the
Chipster 50 bucks was gonna fix it?

Yeah, you were right.

Of course he was right, Harvard.

Went to Columbia.

Whatever, Harvard.
Just thank the man.

No, no, no thanks is necessary.

You're on the inside now,
and we take care of our own.

(ANDY CHUCKLING)

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

You didn't say anything,
did you?

No.

Not at first.

What?
What did you say?

Everything.
I told her everything.

What?
Everything everything?

Yeah, I don't want to start a
relationship based on deceit.

What a wussy thing to say!

My God! Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Hey!

I made her promise not to say
anything to Cheryl.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!

Hey, girls, how you doing?
Bad dog!

Dana, come here,
I want to show you something!

I want to show you this.

Okay, how much?
How much what?

How much to keep your
yap shut and not tell Cheryl?

Why, Jim, for the life of me,

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

How much, Dana?

$20,000.
What!

I could have you killed for $5.

Oh!

Relax, you jackass.
I'm not gonna tell her.

You're not?
No!

What's the catch?

There is no catch.

Look, I don't get it,
but for some strange reason,

Cheryl loves it
when you get jealous.

And I know in your own
twisted way,

you're just trying to show
your wife that you love her.

Why would I ruin that for her?

Wow.

That's...

Really nice?

Yeah.

Don't get used to it.

And listen, if you ever
give Ryan advice again,

unless it's secretly
coming from me,

I will come down on you
like the hammer of God.

Deal.

Uh, hold on.

I'd like you to drop and
give me 20 push-ups. What?

Yeah, Ryan told me that, too.

Well, he's a little
chatterbox, isn't he?

Make it 30.

I'm not doing that!

Oh, Cheryl...
Okay, okay, count 'em off.

And one, and two.

Keep your back straight, Sally.

(JIM GRUNTS)

Four, and five...
Put some love in it.

Six, there we go.
Seven, and eight.