According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Nanny-Cam - full transcript

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All right.

Is everybody ready
for some winter fun?

Yay!
Yay!

Let's go sledding!
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, God!

Daddy, it's really cold.

I know, it's colder
than a witch's...

Nose.

All right. Let's go to Plan B.

Yay! I get
to go first!

All right.



All right, a little
lecture on safety.

Not a word to your mother.

Whoo!

Andy, you all right?

Andy?

Whew.

You okay?

Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.

So we going to go to
the park and go sledding?

No, it's too cold out.

Sounds like Plan B.
I get to go first!

All right, all right!

All right, go get
your bike helmets.

And again, not a word
of this to your mother.



JIM: Oh, baby!

Gordon's got Earnhardt
boxed in. He can't make a move.

Come on, junior,
pass up that pretty boy.

MAN ON TV: We'll be right back with
more NASCAR action right after this.

All right, kids,
pit stop. Let's move.

Move it, move it, move it!

Big man says let's go now!

JIM: Come on, come on,
come on!

JIM: Hustle, hustle!

I need a wipe down!

Come on! Races are won
in the pits!

Eighteen seconds. Better.

But you don't
wipe the lips. You pat!

You know, Andy,
it's times like these

I'm glad I had that extra child.

You're a good father, Jim.

Hey, guys, where's Cheryl?

She's on the
couch. No, she's not.

Then I don't know.

Well, she wanted to borrow
this dress for your date tonight.

Speaking of which, when
you're babysitting tonight,

can you get the kids to bed
a little earlier?

They're way off
their times today.

Actually, Jim,
I can't babysit tonight.

I have another date
with Dr. Gibson. My 17th.

Eighteenth if you count the
time he caught me following him.

So my loser days are over.

All right, guess I got to go
to the loser bullpen.

You're up.

Yeah, sorry, I'm busy, too.

The sci-fi film club
meets tonight.

Damn it!

I forgot my cape
at the dry cleaners.

Now my wizard hat's
just going to look stupid.

Cheryl, Cheryl, guess what.

We got no babysitter
for tonight.

The selfish twins here have
decided to have a social life

instead of helping us
get away from our kids.

Don't worry.
I got a sitter.

Who?

I met this great woman at
the park. She'll be here at 7:00.

The park?
Yeah.

Oh, are the dog tracks closed?

Honey, she's a nice woman.

She'll take good care
of our kids.

What happened to Mrs. Bishop?
I liked her.

She died.

Remember? We couldn't
go to her funeral

'cause we couldn't
find a sitter.

Cheryl, I'm not going
to let someone I've never met

babysit our kids.

I've watched Mrs. Nelson
at the park

with the kids she takes
care of, and she is wonderful.

She is.
It's going to be fine.

Would you just trust me on this?

Trust?
Yes.

Okay, Cheryl, I'll trust you.

We'll use your hobo
from the park.

But I don't want
to hear you complain

when we get home
and Ruby's kidney

is in a cooler off to Mexico.

Okay, Jim.

Hey, Dana, let's go see
how this looks on me.

Oh, I'm sure you'll
be the prettiest girl

in the bowling alley snack bar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Ooh, look at me.

"I'm Cheryl. I trust
everybody. I'm so nice.

"Yeah, I don't push cars
into intersections

"when they cut me off."

Yeah, she got mom's kind heart,

and I got
dad's enlarged prostate.

You know what, Andy?
I'm telling you,

I don't feel good
about this babysitter.

You know what I'm going to do?

Ah, I'm just spitballing
here, but, uh...

Something sneaky
and underhanded?

Bingo.

I'm going to get
one of those little cameras,

those little hidden cameras
that I see on the news.

Oh, yeah, those nanny
cams. I've seen those.

They put them in stuffed
animals and in pop cans.

Yeah, yeah. What do you
think that'll set me back,

10, 15 bucks?

Oh, I don't...
Closer to 100.

100?
Yeah.

Come on!

What?

All right, no price too
high to protect my kids.

Want to go halfsies with me?

They're not my kids.

I said halfsies!
Come on.

Fine.

Good. All right, let's
go get ourselves a camera.

Hey, you going to tell Cheryl?

Yeah, right, right. And
then have to listen to her

right to privacy and
civil liberties nonsense?

Forget it.

Yeah, where are
the civil liberties

for the guy parked
outside the yoga studio

taking a few tasteful pictures?

You know, Andy,

if I am wrong about
this babysitter thing,

and I hope that I am,

Cheryl will never know
that I spied on her.

And if the babysitter's no good?

Then I can throw that
whole naive trusting thing

back in her face.

And protect the kids.

Right, right, yeah.
Protect the kids, yeah.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm just looking at the
videos of the babysitter.

Ooh, anything good?

Nah. For a moment there,

I thought I saw Mrs. Nelson
popping pills.

Turned out it was just fiber.

Oh, you put it in the kitchen?

Yeah. Why?

No reason.

I'm just thinking we got
a lot of work to do, Jim,

so why don't we hop
to it? I mean, let's...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, what's this?

Master Yoda speaks highly
of your abilities,

but I will be the final judge.

(IMITATING LIGHT SABER SOUNDS)

(PANTING)

(LAUGHS)

Whoa!

(LAUGHING)

(IMITATES LASER FIRE)

(GLASS BREAKING)

Jim, Gracie broke your teapot!

I was gonna tell you.

I was looking for
the right moment.

Uh-huh.
Don't worry about it.

Gracie studies more
when she's grounded.

All right, here. Here's
the babysitter again.

Hey, look it.

It looks like she's teaching
'em how to gamble.

Got any threes?
Go fish.

I just love you kids.

We love you, too,
Mrs. Nelson.

ANDY: Whoa, whoa, Jim.

Is she hugging or
feeling for that kidney?

Nah.

The babysitter's spotless.

Cheryl's right.
The kids are safe.

Crap!

Wait, wait,
wait, wait. Stop.

It's Cheryl and Dana. I want
to see what they say about me.

I don't know, Andy. Do you
think you're strong enough?

Jim, please, I grew up with
them. I've heard all the teasing.

Andy's a jerk.

Why would you say that?

Because he is.

Yeah. He kinda is.

I'm not gonna lie to
you. That one stings.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, what happened to that
porcelain teapot I gave you?

Oh, Gracie broke it.

Yeah. Jim grounded her
because she wouldn't 'fess up.

So, how much do you have
in your secret stash now?

This makes it
a little over $400.

DANA: $400?
That's impressive.

I know. You'd be surprised
how much a little extra change

from groceries and
stuff builds up. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

You didn't know.

No! I can't believe it.

My own wife's keeping
secret money from me.

What the hell's going on?

What are you going to do?

I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know how to play this.

Wait, what's to play, man?
You take the money,

we go get us some lap dances
down at the oval office.

That, my friend, is
how you check your woman.

Yeah, well, when
I'm checking her,

should I be wearing my
cape or my wizard hat?

If I had my charm amulet,
I'd put a whammy on you.

Oh, stop.

This is important, Andy.

I got it. You know
what I'm gonna do?

Ha!

I'm gonna crawl up
there, open that thing,

take a little money
out every day,

and then let's watch her go
crazy on our hidden camera.

Oh, that's genius.

Yes.

Ha ha!
Serves her right, man.

It's like I say, Jim,
you can't trust anybody...

Except me.

What do you mean?
You just sold out

a 7-year-old girl
to cover your own ass.

And now you don't need
to take her to the circus.

You're welcome.

Oh, please.

Hey.

Hey. Aren't you
supposed to be working?

I'm supposed to be
doing a lot of things.

I'm glad you're here.
Come here, sit down.

What?

I think Mrs. Nelson has
been stealing from my stash.

You're kidding.
That sweet old lady?

I know, I know,
I thought the same thing,

but it just started happening
when we hired her.

How much did she take?

Well, first I thought it was 50,

but I just checked,
and there's more gone.

I know. I just don't know
how to prove it.

I'll fill a sock with oranges.

We'll get the truth out of her.

No. We can't beat up
an old lady.

Can't or won't, Cheryl?

I know, I know.

You should get one
of those little cameras

that people use to check up
on their nannies and boyfriends.

I mean, nannies.

No, I couldn't do that
to Mrs. Nelson.

That's an invasion
of her privacy.

I wouldn't want to violate
her civil liberties.

Come on, Cheryl,
a lot of people do that.

They had a whole series
on it in the news last week.

Well, I guess if people on TV
are doing it, it must be okay.

But you can't tell Jim,

because I made such a big
deal about how great she is.

Oh, please,

I didn't tell him when
he set his shirt on fire.

Why would I tell him this?

Okay, let's go get
one of those cameras.

Cool!

Hey, and if I'm wrong
about Mrs. Nelson stealing,

Jim never needs to know.

Okay. And what
if you're right?

Well, then, I'll find a way
to fire her and save face.

Yeah, and protect the kids.

Right, right, the kids.

All right, girls, outside.

Mama needs the VCR.

But it's Annie.
We love her.

Well, it's a hard knock life.
Come on, beat it, beat it.

Why don't you guys
go play orphanage

and you can sing
and dance like Annie?

Can we scrub the floors?

Well, that's
what orphans do. Go.

Okay, I'm just
gonna fast-forward

till we see something we want.

Oh, that's you.

(HUMMING WEDDING MARCH)

I do.

Wait till we get to the hotel.

I'm kidding.
Take me now!

Dana, what were you doing?
You knew the camera was there.

Oh, aren't we adorable?

Oh! There's
Jim and Andy.

No, Andy.
End of discussion. No!

Jim, all I'm saying is if
you have the Three Stooges

in a haunted house,
why throw in a gorilla?

That's a whole other movie!

Will you keep an eye out? Fine.

I'm going up.

Yes, yes, yes.
(LAUGHS)

I think I'm just gonna
take $25 out this time.

You know what? It's enough
to drive Cheryl nuts,

but not distract her
from making dinner.

Once again, kudos on
your healthy marriage.

You know what? I just
love my nanny cam.

It is so great to see
Cheryl count the money

over and over again.

It's like a chicken pecking
at herself in a mirror.

(LAUGHING)

She can't figure it out.

I figured it out now,
didn't I, smartass?

I can't believe it.
Jim is spying on you

with a nanny cam.
That is so dishonest.

I know. Well, he wants
to drive me crazy?

Two can play at that game.
Really? How?

We are going to put on a
little show for his nanny cam.

Okay, but I'm not gonna
do anything embarrassing.

Dana, you kissed my mop.

No, I kissed back.

Cheryl...

You sure saved a bundle
at the store today, Cheryl.

Yeah, I saved a bundle
by buying expired meat.

Uh, Cheryl, if you're
gonna skim off the top,

you've got to cut costs
somewhere, Cheryl.

I know my name, Dana.

Right, right.

Right, right, Cheryl, you do.

(WHISPERING)
Sorry.

Hey, this week's take
brings me up to $500.

(GASPS) Time to
put it in the big jar!

Yeah. The big jar.

With this, plus
what's in the big jar,

it brings me up to my goal,

$15,000, baby!

$15,000!

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Congratulations.

Thanks. It took me
12 years, but I did it.

Now I can put that down
payment down on Monday.

Oh, yes!
The down payment.

Oh, boy, do I envy you.

That thing that you're
putting the down payment on

is great!

What a thing!

And the best part is
Jim will never know.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, now, let's go take this

and bury it in the backyard

in the secret place
with the other money.

The best part is
Jim will never know.

I already said that, Dana.

Right, right, Cheryl, you did.

(WHISPERING)
Sorry.

15,000 bucks?

Lies!

The deceit!

Good thing you spied on her. You never
would've found out how sneaky she is.

And what about the down payment?

What's that about?

I don't know. I don't...

Hey, would Cheryl have any use
for a personal submarine?

No.

Hovercraft?
No.

Jet pack?

Andy, she's a thief, not a nerd!

Come on, let's go
dig up that $15,000

before she does
something stupid with it!

Wow, 15 grand.
Man, if I had that,

I'd learn Italian
and get calf implants.

Whoo, that was fun!
I haven't been drinking

in the middle of the day
in a long time!

Yeah, have a few kids.

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

What's that noise? It
sounds like a hackjammer.

You mean a jackhammer?
That's what I said.

Yeah, but why would
someone have a jack...

Oh, my God!

Another dry hole, Jim.

The only thing we found
are eight years of kids' pets.

Jim, what are you doing?

What does it
look like I'm doing?

I'm digging up $15,000
that you buried here,

you thieving pirate!
(GROANS)

Oh, my God, this is great.

I hope I remember it tomorrow.

Oh, come on, Cheryl,

we know all about
your dirty submarine money.

Now, we demand an
explanation and the first ride.

There is no $15,000!

Please! Enough
with the lies!

I know. I saw it
with my own eyes.

I had a nanny cam
up there in the kitchen!

I know, because I
saw you on my nanny cam!

What? You have
a nanny cam, too?

Yeah, because I thought
someone was stealing from me.

And it was you!

Two nanny cams
and no smoke detectors.

What does that say
about your family?

All right, I'm outta here.

Oh, me, too.

You can kiss
this frozen butt goodbye.

Hey, Andy,
can I have a ride home?

Why should I?
You called me a jerk.

Well, you are a jerk.

Yeah, I kinda am.
Come on.

So you're telling me
there's no $15,000?

No, no.

Just the 400 bucks
in the cabinet.

Aha! So you admit to having
a secret stash of money!

Yeah.

Cheryl... I don't know.

It's those damn
desperate housewives.

Ever since you started watching
that show, you've changed!

Why are you hiding the money?

I do it to keep the peace
around here.

What are you
talking about, peace?

Jim, have you noticed we don't
fight about money anymore?

Yeah, because you stopped
spending so much of it.

No, no, I spend the same
as I always did.

You just don't know about it.

Cheryl, I need to know
where the money goes here.

What are you spending it on?

Oh, good God, woman, you're
not giving it to charity, are ya?

I spend it on ordinary
things we use every day

like shoes and clothes
and stuff for the kids.

Oh, Cheryl, I don't
care about that.

I never cared about that.

Jim, you go crazy if anything
costs more than it did in 1940.

(SCOFFS)
I do not.

Yeah, you do.
You overreact.

Tell me one time
I've overreacted.

All right.
Besides today.

Cheryl, Cheryl, I need to know

how every penny is spent
in this household.

All right, then we're
gonna fight.

No, we're not,
we're not gonna fight.

All right, fine. I got my
hair done the other day.

What do you think that cost?

You're toying with
me, aren't you? Uh-huh.

You think
I'm gonna say... 20...

25?

35?

Please don't make it $40!

85.

85 bucks?

Andy cuts my hair for 5 bucks

and throws in a delightful
scalp massage.

Well, since you're
handling that so well,

Kyle's shoes cost $45.

45 bucks?
Yeah.

His feet are this big! Uh-huh.

Ruby's soccer uniform? 60 bucks!

60?
Yeah.

She stinks!

She hasn't scored a goal
in three years!

Well...

Well, why can't you
just make her a uniform?

Oh, you know,
that's a great idea.

Hey, and I'll make
Kyle's shoes, too.

I'm just gonna
go on down to the mall

and pick me up one of
them there cobbler's benches.

Yeah, that'll
probably be about $600.

And you know what?
We'll get a cow,

'cause then the leather
will be free.

You know, we're gonna need
hay for the cow,

so we're gonna need to get
a combine. That'll be about,

ooh, I'd say a quarter
of a million dollars.

I don't have a quarter of a
million dollars, Cheryl!

We don't need a quarter
of a million dollars.

Jim!

We're fine.

Hey...

We are more than fine.

Ii just don't think
I'll ever believe that.

I know.

But just 'cause
you don't believe it

doesn't mean it's not true.

Come on, you gotta trust me.

You playing
the trust card again?

See, wasn't it better when
you didn't know anything?

The good old days.

I wish I could be
that ignorant again.

Aw, baby...

You will be.

Thanks for believing in me.

All right,
here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna hide my stash
in a new place,

and you are not
gonna look for it.

(SIGHS)

All right.
All right.

Is that the cat?

No. It's the gerbil.

Hey, you know what? We
gotta get that nanny cam

out of the kitchen.
It's weird.

I already took mine out.

Really? Where is it?

I can't remember.

Hey, you know what?

You should take a shower and
suds up a little bit more this time.

Oh, okay.

And use that shower massager...

CHERYL: Oh!