According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 9 - Imaginary Friend - full transcript

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Daddy, Daddy, can you open
my Pinky Princess on a Pony?

Sure, sure.

Huh.

PINKY PRINCESS:
Do you love rainbows?

Well, actually,
I prefer football.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

PINKY PRINCESS: Would you
like a ride to my magic castle?

No, I'd like you outta
the freaking box!

(PLASTIC SMASHING)

Here you go.

Why don't you go see if
Mommy still has the receipt?



JIM: Oh, baby!

Hey. Hey, what are
you doing home?

Well, I missed you, and I
thought I'd surprise you for lunch.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?
Okay, come on. Let's go.

What?

Come on, I only have a half-hour

to send you to heaven and back.

(CHUCKLES)
Honey, I can't.

Come on, it'll only be five
minutes. We'll leave our shirts on.

No, honey, I gotta go
pick up Kyle at Dana's.

All right, fine.

Okay, Andy, come on in.
It ain't happening.

What?



Whoo! Thank God. It's
getting nippy out there.

You make Andy wait outside?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
it's my choice.

You get a little loud.

All right, Jim, don't forget,
you have to be home at 7:00.

We have Emily's
baby shower tonight.

Oh, yeah, that.
I can't.

What?

Gus is coming into town tonight.

Since when?

Since this morning.
He called me.

He's going to be at the airport.

Oh, the Gusmeister's coming in?

Mind if I tag along
for a salty story or two?

Ah, I don't think so. You
know, his wife just left him,

and I think he needs
to talk to an old friend.

We've had these plans for weeks.

I know, honey, but he's just
going to be in town tonight.

Oh, honey, come on,
it's a couples' shower.

I don't wanna go alone.

I'll go with you, Cheryl.

Yeah, pass.

Huh. Guess it's just me
and my palm tonight.

Oh.

My organizer.
I like to...

Like to play games on it.

Shame on you!

Come on!

(GROANS) Do we have to look
at your wedding album again?

I get it. You're
married, I'm not.

Let's move on.

Dana, no, I want to look
for pictures of Gus.

Jim's friend?

Yes, Jim swears
he was at our wedding,

but I don't remember him at all.

Hmm.

Is that him?

No, that's Seth somebody.

I made out with him
under the gift table.

You know, it is so frustrating.

Gus always shows up
at the worst times.

Hmm.

Who's that?
Is that Gus?

No, that's Mike somebody.

I made out with him
in the coat room.

But I don't get it.
When Jim doesn't want

to do something,
he just says no.

Yeah, but he only gets a
certain amount of "no's" a month,

and he's used them all up.

Yeah, he said no
to the school fundraiser,

no to the Geigers' housewarming,

and no to Donna Carter's
birthday party.

Wait. Donna had a party?
Why wasn't I invited?

She's not a fan.

Hey, that?
Is that him?

No, that's Marv somebody.
He was a fan.

Andy, all I'm saying is,
if a werewolf bit a vampire,

he'd still have trouble
with the sunlight.

Oh. Look at
the wedding album.

Oh, look at us there.
Look at that.

Yeah, I know.

Check me out.
A randy 19-year-old

with nothing but a pink tuxedo

and a kidney stone
hours from passing.

What a night!

Hey, honey, would you
point out Gus to me?

I can't find him.

Sure. Let's see...

Where would he be...
Oh, right there!

That's the back
of someone's head.

Yeah.

It's the back of Gus' head.

You know, Jim, it's weird.
Gus is your oldest friend.

I don't have any idea
what he looks like.

I don't know anything about him.

Well, his name is Gus
Dimas. We grew up together.

What else do you need to know?

Well, what's his birthday?

June 15, 1960.

Where does he live?
San Diego.

College?
Syracuse.

Job?

Well, he runs a B&B.

Hobbies?

He makes driftwood sculptures.

He also chairs the local chapter

of the California
Sea Lions Foundation.

And you know what else?

At the wedding, he said you were

the most beautiful bride
he'd ever seen.

Ring a bell?

Maybe that last part.
(LAUGHS)

What about me? Did he
say anything about me?

He's not a fan.

Come on.

I can't believe she
doesn't remember Gus.

He's practically family.

Andy, there is no Gus.

What?
I made him up.

The Gusmeister? The Gus
man? Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Greyhound Gus?
Ha!

Completely fake.

What about those
great stories you've told?

Like the time you
guys were on that bus

and if it went below 55,
it would explode?

Hmm.

Or when you were fishing
for that giant shark

that was terrorizing
the local beach community?

Look, let me explain Gus,

and then we're going to take
a little trip to the video store.

Wait, Jim.

Why would you make up
an imaginary friend?

I want to get out of things,

I mean, like this
couples' baby shower.

Just tell Cheryl no.

Oh, no, no, no. In marriage, there
are only so many "no's" per month,

and this month, particularly,

she had a ton of boring crap.

So I've burned right
through all my "no's."

So, unless I want
to hear her complain

and complain and
complain and complain,

I play the Gus card.

Wow.

Cheryl actually keeps track
of how many times you say no?

Andy, a marriage
is a giant score card,

and by the end, I just
want to be a little below par.

Well, mission accomplished.

Thank you.

Aunt Dana, will you
ever have a baby?

Oh, of course I will, sweetie.

But what if you don't?

What did I just say?
Now get off my back.

Dana, Dana, I just checked

the guest list for the
wedding. Mmm-hmm.

There is no Gus Dimas.

Oh, you got to confront Jim.

Oh, I can't. I can't.

There's always that
1% chance I'm wrong,

and if I am, he'll torture
me for the rest of my life.

No, no, I need an airtight case.

Okay, I'm off to the airport,

so have fun with that thing.

Okay, great, great.

Honey, what time do
you think you'll be back?

Oh, I don't know. You
know, Gus is pretty torn up.

He's going to need to
talk it out a little bit.

Yeah.

You can't really
put a clock on that.

Right. Yeah, I'll probably
be back about 10:30.

Sounds right.
See you then.

Okay. Have fun.

Dana.
Hmm?

Call me on my cell phone in
five seconds. What are you doing?

I'm going to go to the
airport and meet Gus.

Yes!
(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, look, girls, somebody's
part of Mommy's secret plan

and you're not.
Who's the loser now?

CHERYL:
Hey, Jim, honey.

Yes, yes, yes. Would
you give my best to Gus

and tell him how sorry I am
about him and his wife?

Oh, I will.
Aw.

Thank you so much for
understanding, honey. Yeah.

You know, if he had
a wife like you,

he wouldn't be in this mess.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Oh, honey.

Hold that thought.
(LAUGHS)

Yello?

Oh, hey, Emily. Yeah,
I was just about to...

What?

Aw, that's too bad.

Well, tomorrow night's great.
Okay, I'll see you then.

All right, bye-bye.

What?

Well, Emily's two year old
is throwing up,

so she has to
postpone the shower.

(SIGHS)

What a shame.

Yeah.

Okay, see you later.
No, no, honey.

You don't get it. Now I can
go with you to the airport.

Oh, to see Gus?

Well, yeah, and to comfort him.

I mean, unless there's...

There's some reason
you think I shouldn't go.

No.

Great. Let's go.

All right.

But you know, if Gus wants to go

to a strip club,
you got to come along.

No problem.
I got singles.

Hey, psst!
Buddy, buddy, buddy.

How about if I give you
20 bucks, you be my friend?

Hey, Jim.
Yeah?

That him?

No.
Oh.

What about that?
That him?

No. Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah... Hey! Hey...

No, no, it's not him.

What does he look like?
Can you at least describe him?

I wish I could tell you,

but it's just, you know,

he changes his hairstyle
all the time,

he yo-yos in weight
back and forth.

I mean, he's like Madonna,
always reinventing himself.

Well, you know, I'll tell you,

I'm getting
a little tired of this.

This is the only flight
in from San Diego,

and all the bags
have been picked up.

No, there's one right there.

It says, "oranges."

Well, that's got to be his.

He's from San Diego.

They eat a lot
of oranges out there.

I mean, they just grow on trees.

You just pick 'em.

I know how fruit works, Jim.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing
here? Baby-sitting.

No, no, no. I was
supposed to baby-sit...

I can't believe they
double-booked us.

I know.
I'm sick of it, too,

so piece by piece, I'm
stealing their good china.

But Cheryl's car's outside.

I thought she went
to the baby shower.

Change of plans. She went with
Jim to the airport to meet Gus.

Interesting.

You know what?

I'm really thirsty.

Do you like our teacher?
I like our teacher.

Do you know what another
word for "stupid" is? "Pathetic."

Gracie, I need the phone.

Oh, nobody.

My favorite color was
purple, but now it's gold.

She's going to have
to call you back. Hey!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're
a stinky butt, too.

No, you are. No, no, no,
no, you're a stinky butt.

Infinity!

Um...

Hi... Hi, Mr. Anderson.

CHERYL: Jim.
Yes?

I just talked to the airline.

All the passengers
are off the plane.

Weird.

Yeah, is there something
you want to tell me?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Mayday... Mayday! Give
me the phone, you poo!

I want to talk to Justin!
Mama bird knows!

Repeat, mama bird knows!
I want to talk to Justin!

Gus! How are you?

You missed your flight?
That is so you.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, yeah. No,
your oranges made it.

Yep, they did.

I want to talk to him.

Uh-huh.
Tomorrow night?

Sure, tomorrow night
would be great.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Calm down.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Listen, Cheryl wants
to talk to you.

So don't hang up.

Gus...

There's nobody there.

Ah, darn cell phones.

You know what? You
got the radar in the airport.

Probably threw off
all the calibrations.

The calibrations?

Yeah, calibrations. I
could explain it to you,

but it'd just confuse you.

Hey, you know what, though?

You could
see Gus tomorrow night.

Oh.

You got that baby shower
tomorrow night.

Come on, can't you give
Cheryl a break here?

Okay.

Confession time.
What?

The shower is actually tonight.

What do you mean, tonight?

Well, yeah, well, you know,

I really didn't want
to go without you,

and I wanted to meet Gus,

so I kind of played
with the truth a little bit.

Isn't that a hoot?

I may be old-fashioned,

but since when was it a
hoot to lie to your spouse?

I know, I know.

I'm sorry, but, honey, look,

now I can still meet Gus, huh?

In fact, why don't you
bring him over for dinner?

That sounds like a great idea.

To me, too.

Hey, and you know what?

If we hurry, we can still
make it to the shower.

But didn't the shower start
already? I mean, you know...

Well, you know, honey, we
probably missed name tags,

but we can still make
it for diaper pin bingo.

Great.
Yeah.

Wait.

Don't you have to
get Gus' oranges?

Guess I have to.

Uh-huh.

That is so weird.

I can't find
half our good china.

Mommy?
Yeah.

When's Uncle Gus getting here?

Yeah, Jim, where is Uncle Gus?

He was supposed to be
here an hour ago.

He is coming, isn't he?

Of course he's coming.
You know what?

I should have just picked
him up at the airport myself,

but he felt so bad about
last night that he took a cab.

Oh, that Gus... Yeah,
that's one considerate guy.

Yeah. There's a name
for people like that.

Yep.

What?

Considerate.

I just said it,
like, two seconds ago.

Where were you?

Listen, girls,

why don't you guys take a
breadstick and go upstairs,

and I'll call you
when he gets here, okay?

Unless...

You think Gus might
not be coming.

Cheryl, don't say that.

Now you got me all worried.

Cheryl!

Andy, attend to me.

Would you look at him?

I got him on the ropes.
He's got no moves left.

Yeah, you played him
like a big sweaty violin.

Yeah.

But in case Gus is real
and good-looking,

I'm just going to do that.

Oh, would you put those away?

Nobody's coming.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey, that's Gus!
It's got to be Gus!

Oh, Gus.

Hey...

I have a telegram.

Sure, a telegram, huh?
Telegram?

JIM: I'll take that.

Thank you.

Oh, you want a tip?

Here's a little
California sunshine.

Andy...

It's...

It's from Gus' wife.

My... My hand
is shaking too much.

You read it.

Andy, hold it.
Hold it.

Um...

"Bad news
from San Diego."

No!

"Stop.

"Gus Dimas passed away
this morning."

No!

"Stop."

I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!

Gus.

Gus is gone!
He's gone! He's gone!

I guess God needed
a new best friend.

(SOBBING)

Look,

I think I need to be alone
with my thoughts right now.

Jim?

Yes, yes, my young,
young, beautiful bride?

(SIGHS)

Nothing.

I guess we'll be having
dinner without you, then.

Cheryl,

how could you eat
at a time like this?

Gus, my friend, my best friend,

that I've known since this high,

is now laying cold on a slab.

All right, what are
we having for dinner?

Lasagna.

(SOBS)

That was Gus' favorite dish.

All right, well,
out of respect for Gus,

I should have two portions.

Gus liked wine, didn't he, Jim?

JIM: Yes.

Yeah, I can hold.

(PINBALL MACHINE BEEPING)

Hey, what's all that noise?

Oh, see for yourself.

(LAUGHING) Yeah!

A pinball machine?
You let him buy that?

No, Gus left it to him
in his will.

What?

(MOUTHING)

Sorry I keep beating you, buddy.

I guess I just got a little
angel sitting on my shoulder.

Right, Gus? Wink.

(LAUGHING)

Yes, I'd like to make a donation

to the California
Sea Lion Foundation.

What?

Yeah, yeah, I'm honoring Gus

by making a donation
to his favorite charity.

Yeah, I'd like
to donate $200, please.

$200? Cheryl, um...

You know what?
You're right.

He was your oldest friend.

I'd like to donate $400.

(MOUTHING)

Yeah, $500. Right.

Uh, a receipt for tax purposes?

Huh.

No, that seems tacky.

Oh, okay, yeah.
I need your credit card.

Thank you, honey.

No.

Thank you.

You know, you guys could
really use some counseling.

Eh, probably.

Jim.

How are you going
to get out of this one?

It's 500 bucks?

Andy, it is a small price to pay

for a man like Gus Dimas.

Think of the big picture.

All the weddings, all the
baby showers I got out of.

It is the best money
I ever spent.

To Gus?

To Gus.
(LAUGHING)

Hey, Jim, great news.

I got them to name the
next sea lion pup after Gus.

Yeah, and it only cost
an extra 200 bucks.

Is that okay with you?

Of course.

How can that be okay with you?

It is $700.

You drove to Canada
for free X-rays.

Cheryl...

It is only money.

And I certainly
appreciate the gesture,

and you know who else
is going to appreciate it?

Sherman.

Sherman?

Yeah, you know Sherman.
He grew up with me and Gus.

Actually, Andy and I were
just about to go see him.

Weren't we, Andy?

Why, yes, Jim.
Yes, we were.

Yeah, you see, uh...

Sherman's all broken
up, losing Gus and all,

so we thought we'd go
and bowl away the pain.

Come on, Andy.

Jim, Jim, there is no Sherman.

If there was, I'd remember him.

Really?
Yes.

Well, then who was sitting
next to Gus at the wedding?

You're such a good woman, honey.

Just a bad memory.
That's all.

Hey, Andy, did I tell you

the time that
Sherman was in Vegas

and a guy offered him
a million dollars

to sleep with his wife?

What an indecent proposal.

Yeah.