According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 8 - Scary Movie - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
(PLAYING WHEN THE SAINTS
GO MARCHING IN)

Yeah! (LAUGHING)

Who's this?
This is Buster.

I installed a sink in his house,

and he couldn't pay for it,

so we're doing a barter thing.

So, uh, something snappy
for the young lady.

Oh, no...
Oh, God.

(PLAYING CAMPTOWN RACES)

(PLAYING GREENSLEEVES)

(PLAYING BY THE LIGHT
OF THE SILVERY MOON)



You know what, honey?
No, this is too weird.

It's too weird.
I got to go upstairs.

All right, Buster,
that's it for the night.

Sign off.

(PLAYING THE STAR-
SPANGLED BANNER)

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

RUBY: Shut up!
GRACIE: No, you shut up!

For the last time, no fighting,

or no TV for a month!

Cheryl, how do you
expect me to baby-sit

if I can't stick them
in front of the TV?

Oh, um, I'm sorry.

All right, no
dessert for a month!



Well, how do you think
I get them in the bathtub?

Well, now...

Stop fighting!

Mom, Gracie called
me a cat butt.

Mom, Gracie called me cat butt.

She's copying me.
She's copying me.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

(CHUCKLING) Cheryl...

Let me.

Girls, I sense some
unresolved issues.

Why don't we all just sit down

and draw our feelings?

I'm going to draw
you, Aunt Dana. Aw.

With all those lines
on your forehead.

Oh, like you're going to
be seven forever, cat butt.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

Hey.
Hey, Cheryl.

Cheryl, look, I was thinking,

it's a beautiful Saturday,

the whole family is together,

so Andy and I are going to
go down to the lumberyard

and shoot the breeze with some
of the weekend guys. Come on.

No, no, no, wait, wait,
honey, honey, honey.

If you're going out, you
got to take the girls with you.

You can't take kids

to a high-stakes
Chinese checker game.

Jim, seriously, they've been
driving me crazy all week.

You got to get them
out of my hair.

(SIGHING)

"Let's have three."
Those were your words.

All right.

Girls.

Hey, girls, do you like ponies?

BOTH: Uh-huh.

Hey, you want to see some
ponies run around a track

with little men on their backs?

BOTH: Yeah!

All right, let's...

No, you are not taking
them to the racetrack.

It's completely inappropriate.

They're just...
They're little girls.

Oh, come on, Cheryl.
Don't you think

you're overreacting
a little bit?

No, Jim, I think I'm being
a responsible parent.

I don't know. If you
were that responsible,

you wouldn't be sticking
them with me today.

Hey, there's a new
Piggie movie playing.

Piggie's Day Off.
That's perfect.

Can we go?
Can we?

Daddy, can we?

BOTH: Please,
please, please?

(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)
Sure, girls. Thanks.

Ow!

All right, girls,
the Piggie movie it is.

Let's go.
GIRLS: Yay!

Come on, Andy.

Piggie. Yeah.

Um, this was the weekend

I was supposed to hit myself in
the face with a hammer, but, uh...

You guys have fun.

Uh-uh. This little piggie's
going. Come on, let's go.

Honey, honey, honey, honey.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Um, would you pick up some
dinner on your way back?

Oh, you'll be rested.
You can cook.

All right, come on, girls.

Okay, here we go.
Piggie's Day Off.

You know, what's he
need a day off from?

He's a pig.

Actually, Jim,
he does have a job.

He's a male nurse.

You don't think he
takes that home with him?

Oh, please.

(GUNSHOTS IN MOVIE)

JIM AND ANDY: Oh,
Robot Warrior: Cyber Death.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(EXPLOSION IN MOVIE)

Listen...
Listen to that.

I bet that's
wall-to-wall action.

I hear the helicopter
chase cost $20 million.

Oh!
Oh!

All right, come on.

Daddy, we want to see
the Robot Warrior.

(CHUCKLING) Well, we're
going to see Piggie's Day Off.

But everybody at school
saw Robot Warrior,

and they said it was awesome.

Everybody.

Awesome.

MAN IN MOVIE:
Her eyes are laser beams!

(SCREAMING)
My face!

Well, the killer
robot is a chick.

Cheryl's always yapping about

how the girls need
strong female role models.

No.

Come on, let's go see
what Piggie's up to.

♪ Lollipops
and moonbeams

♪ Horsies
and baby dreams

♪ These are the
sweetest things

♪ That we share ♪

All the kids in your class
saw Robot Warrior?

We're the only ones
who didn't see it.

And whenever they talk about it,

we just have to stand there
by ourselves and be sad.

You hear that, Andy?

My kids,

they're being shunned
by their peers.

Been down that road.

That Cheryl's just being
overprotective again.

Uh-uh. Forget it.

If all the other kids
are doing it,

it's got to be okay.

I see no fault in that logic.

Come on.

(GUNSHOTS)

(EXPLOSIONS)

Man, I do not want to be here

400 years in the future

when all that goes down.

Ruby, look, my eyes are lasers.

(IMITATES
SOUND EFFECTS)

(SCREAMING)
My face!

Stop it! You're
freaking me out!

Girls, girls, come here.

You cannot do that
when we get home.

Why?

Well, remember
how left out you felt

when all the other
kids in your class

saw Robot Warrior
and you didn't?

You want Mommy to feel that way?

No.
We love Mommy.

So do I.

And every time I think
of her, my heart melts,

just like the president's
face in the movie.

So you have to remember

that when Mommy asks
you about the movie,

you say, "Piggie's
Day Off was awesome!"

Try it.

BOTH: Piggie's Day Off
was awesome!

Oh, that's great, my girls.

This is going to be great.
This is going to be great.

Next time Cheryl gives me
the "inappropriate" speech,

I'm going to say,
"Ha! I took the girls

"to see Robot Warrior
and they're fine."

You really gonna say, "Ha"?

"Ha, got you..." I don't
know. I'll play it by ear.

All right, girls.
Come on.

You guys go ahead.

I think I left my
keys in the theater.

♪ Teddy bears
and rainbows

♪ Fluffy clouds
and twinkle toes ♪

Adorable.

Oh.

Keeping the abs tight
for your main man?

No, honey, I'm keeping
them tight for you.

Mmm, bedroom banter.
Ooh.

I believe
I know what comes next.

So tell me,

what did you do today
while I was with the girls?

Oh, honey, it was unbelievable.

I took a shower
in the middle of the day,

and then I ate a
sandwich sitting down.

You know, honey,
I got to tell you,

it does turn me on

when you're in totally
responsible dad mode.

Really?
Yeah.

Did I mention I made the kids

wear seat belts on the way home?

(GASPS)

Oh, baby.

Mommy, Daddy!

Help!
Help!

What's the matter?

We're scared!
We're afraid of robots!

Robots? Where's
that coming from?

(GROANS)
I don't know.

Can we sleep with you and Daddy?

Yeah. Yes.

Yes, of course you can.

Come on, girls,
nobody can hurt you.

Mommy and Daddy are here.

Snuggle in.
There you go.

Hey, Cheryl.

Care to go downstairs for a

midnight snack?

No, honey, not tonight.

How about just a snack for me?

Go ahead.

Fine.

I'll just get something to eat.

So, girls, can you tell
Mommy what's scaring you?

Or we can all go
down for ice cream!

GIRLS: Yay!

Jim, what are you doing?

It's 11:00.
It's not talk time.

You said you wanted
the freezer defrosted.

Well, it's time
to put them to work.

♪ Lollipops and moonbeams

♪ Horsies and baby dreams

♪ These are
the sweetest... ♪

Jim?

Jim?

(WHISPERS)
Give Andy a raise.

(LOUDLY)
Hey, Jim, wake up.

Oh. Was I sleeping?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Oh.

You know what?
For some reason,

I feel like giving you a raisin.

No, I...

I...

Girls still keeping
you up at night?

Oh, third night in a row.

Guess your "ha" defense
sort of fell apart.

(SIGHING) Yeah.

You know, I keep hearing

how kids become too
desensitized by violence.

When is that going
to happen to my kids?

Oh, good, Jim.

Hey, when I was
dropping the girls off,

I ran into Gracie's teacher.

She wants to see us
today after school.

(EXCLAIMS) Cheryl, how
many times have I told you?

When you drop the kids off,

don't make eye contact
with the teacher.

Look, whatever is
keeping her up at night

is affecting her at school, Jim.

You really got to be there.

Ooh.

I don't know if that can happen.

I got this work thing, uh...

Right, Andy?
With a guy...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually,
it's a double work thing.

With two guys.

Right, it's a...

It's gonna take
twice as long. Yeah.

You'll probably have
to buy me dinner.

Jim, I'm really worried.

Oh, relax, Cheryl. I'm
sure it's no big deal.

Dana, you don't understand.
You don't have kids.

Why do you have to
keep bringing that up?

What, you want me to go out

and breed with some
hobo off the street

just so I can understand
your secret parent language?

You know, you must have
a hobo already lined up

or else you wouldn't
have said that.

(MOUTHING)

Don't you even want to know
what's going on with Gracie?

DANA: You know what?

I read in Cosmo

that when kids have
irrational fears,

you got to get inside their head

and help them deal with it.

Dana's right. We should
ignore it until it goes away.

Fine, fine.

I'll go by myself and
figure this thing out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't say
I didn't want to go.

I mean...

Okay, when is it?

4:00.

4:00?

Okay.
Okay.

You know, that's when
Mickey does this.

♪ Lollipops
and moonbeams... ♪

(EXCLAIMING
IN FRUSTRATION)

CHERYL: Hi.

Sorry to keep you
waiting. Have a seat.

As I mentioned to Cheryl,

I'm concerned about Gracie.

Lately, I've noticed a change.

There's a lot of anxiety.

Well, it's probably
just puberty.

Jim, she's seven.

Well, she knows it's coming.

It's got to be

flipping her out.

I'd like to show you
what I'm talking about.

A week ago, Gracie was
drawing things like this.

Kittens, rainbows...

Santa and God eating
a hamburger together.

Isn't that cute?

That's a good-looking
hamburger. Yeah.

Now, look at this.

It's clearly some kind
of mechanical monster,

female and it looks very angry.

Oh, my God.

Well, it's not that bad.
I mean, come on.

Look, there's Santa
right there in the corner.

Yes, and he's been
ripped apart by the robot.

Well, you know what
we're going to do

is we're going to go right home

and we're going to punish Gracie

till she learns her lesson.

It is so good to see you again.

You know what? Thanks
for keeping us in the loop.

Come on, Cheryl.
Jim, Jim.

I think I know
what this is about.

You do?

Yes.

Yes, remember last week,

when I was so angry and
frustrated with the girls?

Gracie's just
expressing her feelings.

This is me.

Oh, I...

I don't think that's it.

No, no, it is.

I was yelling like a maniac,

and... Oh.

I'm the robot.

Well...

Now at least we know
what the problem is.

Gracie thinks I'm a monster.

Who knows how
it's affecting Ruby?

I'm an awful, awful mother.

Oh, come on.

Don't say that.

You're a great mother.

You just snapped.

You know, there
should be a list of stuff

you can't put in the microwave.

So how'd it go with
Gracie's teacher?

Oh, not so good.
Where are the kids?

Well, Kyle's napping,

and I think the girls
are upstairs playing.

You think?

What kind of babysitter are you?

A free one.
Carry on.

Girls, could you come
down here, please?

I need to talk to you.

Oh, Cheryl, I don't
think you want to do that.

Jim, there's a problem here.

Well...

Oh, thank God
they were upstairs.

Good.
(FAKING NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

Girls, remember last week

when Mommy was yelling at you

for fighting all the time?

Well...

I think I scared you.

I am very sorry.

You do know that Mommy loves
you very, very much, don't you?

We love you, too, Mommy.

Aw.

What a nice moment.

Okay, girls, who wants
to go in the garage

and check out
Daddy's new nail gun?

GIRLS: Yay!

Gracie, Gracie, honey?

(SIGHING)

Is this how you see Mommy?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That's not you.

Oh! What a load off.
Okay, nail gun time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, who is it?

That's the scary robot
from the movie.

The movie?
Yeah.

Piggie's Day Off.

Great movie.

And don't take my word for it.

Ask the girls what they
thought of Piggie's Day Off.

BOTH: (MECHANICALLY)
Piggie's Day Off was awesome.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Tell me about Piggie's
scary robot friend.

Well, she came from the future,

and she had metal teeth,
and she was really mean.

And she took off her shirt,
and her boobies were guns.

Yeah.

The poor little pig
never had a chance.

Hey.

Who wants to go upstairs and
play with Mommy's makeup?

GIRLS: Yay!

Jim.

What?

Can't I make myself
pretty for you?

What movie did you take them to?

Robot Warrior:
Cyber Death.

Now, I know it doesn't
sound like a family movie,

but there was a very
loving family in it,

although they got
chopped up pretty fast.

How could you let me
beat myself up over this?

On the way home,
you said I should

take an anger management course.

Well, look at your
face right now.

Tell me you don't need one.

Come on, they said
they wanted to see it.

Oh, and we should let the
kids decide what's best?

Maybe we should let them
have cookie dough for dinner.

We are not having
cookie dough for dinner.

Look, all the other kids
in their class saw the movie.

You want our kids
to be left out,

to feel different,
to be shunned?

Jim...

I know all the other
kids in their class,

and I know those kids' mothers,

and none of them
have seen that movie.

Really?

Really, Jim.

They played you,

'cause they knew I'd
never take them to see it.

They lied to me?

Where do they get that?

I can't believe
those little sneaks.

Jim, it's up to us
to protect them

from what they're not ready for.

And they are not ready
for robots with boob guns.

Neither is mankind, Cheryl.

I'll talk to them.

Yeah.

But just so you know,

the robots don't use
those boob guns

unless it's the last resort.

Hi, Daddy.

Don't "Hi, Dad" me,
you little sneaks.

Now, come on.

I know that none of your
friends went and saw that movie.

We're sorry, Daddy.

Yeah.

Want me to get you
some potato chips?

Oh, baby.

No, there you go again.

You're playing me
again, aren't you?

You girls.

Daddy, will you stay
with us the whole night,

so we won't be scared?

(SIGHING)

Honey, I can't do that,

but I can show you
how not to be scared.

All right?

Guess what's in the bag.

A bicycle?

A gorilla?

Okay, look at the
size of the bag.

Does that even make sense?

(GIRLS GASP)
All right, calm down.

Calm down. Relax.

Who's behind the mask?

You.

That's right. Me.

And I'm not a robot, am I?

Well, neither was
the woman in the movie.

She was an actress
playing a part.

She'll probably play
a lot of different parts

in a lot of different
movies until she turns 40.

Okay, now touch this.

Touch it.

It's just plastic.

That's right.

Made in a factory.

Probably by little girls
just like yourselves.

Cool!
Cool!

Okay, now, look...

(CRACKLES)

You see?

Just because it looks real,
it doesn't mean it is.

Now look at me.

Do you understand?

Is Piggie real?

Is the tooth fairy real?

Yes.

Yes.

Tooth fairy's real,

Piggie's real.

Actually, the rule of thumb is,

if they're good guys,
they're real.

If they're bad guys,
they're not real.

What if a vampire helped people?

Would he be real?

(SIGHING)

Yeah.

But he still
sucks people's blood.

Okay, okay, there's
some loopholes there.

I don't want to talk
about it right now.

Now, look at me.

Are the two of you going
to be all right tonight?

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Okay, you're going to stay
right here in your own beds?

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Jim, are you still awake?

Uh-huh.

Aw, is it the girls?

No.

♪ These are the sweetest
things that we share

♪ Teddy bears and rainbows

♪ Fluffy clouds
and twinkle toes

(MOUTHING)

♪ More of the sweetest things
that we share

♪ Lollipops and moonbeams

♪ Horsies and baby dreams ♪