According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 7 - Dana Dates Jim - full transcript

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All right, here's a list

of the Halloween candy we need.

Right. Get the fun
size, not the bite size.

Oh, and no peanuts
'cause of the Perkins kid.

Okay. And, honey,
don't scratch there.

This is where we shop.

Okay, I am going to go
get eggs, okay, honey?

Okay. Oh, and, honey,
thank you for helping.

I'm a helper.

(SIGHS)

JIM: Oh, baby!



Apparently you have
no idea how important

this Halloween party is to me.

I need dry ice.
I've made promises!

Aunt Dana, look at
my witch cookie.

Ooh, scary.

Really good
for a three-year-old.

I'm seven.

Yeah.
Then not so impressive.

All right, listen, bucko,

without dry ice,
my bubbling cauldron

is just my old spaghetti pot!

No, no, don't hang up
on me! Don't, don't! Ah!

It's fine.

Who cares? I mean,
I don't need dry ice.



It's not like my Halloween
party has to be perfect.

Oh, yes, it does!
It does! It does!

All right, all right, all
right, make way here.

A pumpkin full of paint's
coming through.

What?
Okay, why?

Well, you know
how the Flynn kids

drive over our pumpkin
every year? Yeah.

Well, this year
their treat is...

A new paint job.

Oh.

Compliments of the
neighborhood crackpot.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, I thought you were
raking the leaves.

Ah, I'll get to it,
I'll get to it.

Hey, girls, you want to
rake the leaves for Daddy?

No, Daddy!
Oh, no!

All right, but I thought I
heard a puppy under there.

A what?
BOTH: Yay!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hi! (GIGGLES)

I know. I miss you, too.
It's been three whole hours.

Okay, everybody's staring at me.

I can't talk.
I'll see you in a minute.

Bye.

So, your cat learned
to dial a phone?

Oh!

No, that was Hank,
the guy I'm seeing.

You're dating somebody?
Mmm-hmm.

Tell. Now.

Well, we've been
seeing each other

for about two weeks,
and I really like him,

and he's coming over, so
please don't let Jim talk or be seen.

Me?

Dana, I don't chase
your guys away.

When you're dating a guy,
you hunt for his one flaw

and then we never see him again.

I mean, really,
it's kind of pathetic.

I mean, no offense.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Why do you even bother
saying "no offense"?

Allow me.
Because he's a jerk.

No offense.

None taken.

You see? He hurt my feelings,
then he said "no offense"

and it took the sting away.

Hey, everybody,
this is Hank. Hey!

This is my brother Andy,
my sister Cheryl,

and the guy she married.

(LAUGHS)
Hi, Hank. Jim.

Oh, the paint in
the pumpkin trick, huh?

Oh, yeah. I'll tell
you, those punk kids

are not going to
even see that coming

when they're driving
down the road.

Yeah, I call it the classic...

Earl Scheib.

Earl Scheib! You
know that? Earl Scheib!

Yeah!

Come on, Cheryl,
who's the crackpot now?

(CHUCKLES)
Still you, Jim.

Oh!

So, um, Hank's going
to come with me

to your Halloween party
as my date.

Oh, wow! You didn't
RSVP "plus one,"

but I guess I can improvise.

Andy, no shrimp tonight.

Um, okay, let's go
somewhere else.

Yeah, that's...
Oh, can it be near a TV?

Uh, the Blackhawks are on.
You guys have ESPN?

You work for the cable company?

No.

I got One, Two, and Classic.

Oh, sweet!

Can we go...
All right.

Ah, this Hank is not
like the other guys

that Dana's dated.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

I mean, I feel like I could
actually hang out with that guy.

Yeah, yeah. You know,
he seems really familiar.

Yeah?
He's just like Jim!

What?

Are you kidding me?

It's obvious. You guys
are two peas in a pod.

Wow! She's right...
(GASPS)

Dana's dating you!

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, well, well.

All these years of her
putting me down, huh?

And she's dating a guy
just like me.

Jim, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Thought you'd like
to know, third period,

blood on the ice,
gloves coming off.

Oh!

I can't get too attached.

There.

Jim, why are you smiling
like that?

No reason.
Just smiling.

Can't I smile?

Yeah. It's great.

Hey, let me ask you
a question. Yeah?

This Hank guy...
Mmm-hmm.

What's your favorite
thing about him?

I don't know. Um...
Everything.

Yeah, yeah.

He's kind of perfect,
then, isn't he? Yeah.

I mean, so anyone like him
would be perfect, too, right?

'Cause he's perfect, right?
Right? Is he perfect?

I guess. Yeah.
He's perfect.

He's great.
Okay, okay.

Okay, I just want to
take a picture of this.

(IMITATES CAMERA CLICKING)

Got it.

Come on, you guys, come on!
Shake a leg.

We got a thousand things
to do before the party.

Ah, relax. Everything's
going to be fine.

You just don't get
it, do you? What?

The Crannises have the
neighborhood Christmas party.

The Meyers own New Year's Eve.

I want to own a holiday.

Have you forgotten that I lead

the St. Patrick's Day
parade every year?

You and Andy
running down the street

in green underwear
is not a parade.

Draws a big crowd
every year. (GROANS)

All right, come on, Dana.

Six dozen finger sandwiches

are not going to make
themselves. Okay!

Hey, are you going to miss me?

Oh, in that outfit,
you're damn right.

Well, let me leave you
with this.

Whee!

Whee!

Ooh!

I'm okay!

Oh!

You guys are adorable.

Aw!

Aw!

Aren't they, though?

They are.

All right, my girls, have fun.

And be safe, okay?

Oh, thank you
for doing this, Andy.

No problem. They're
only this age once.

Yeah.

All right, listen up.

I want to get back
before that party starts,

so the clock is ticking,
all right?

Your belly starts
hurting, your bag breaks,

you fall down,
you're on your own.

Let's roll!

So don't you just love Hank?

Oh, I do. In fact, he's the
kind of guy I might marry.

Wink, wink.

What does that mean?

Well, don't you see
any similarities

between him and someone else?

You see the Russell Crowe
thing, too?

Dana, Hank is just like Jim!

Jim who?

Jim, my husband Jim!

What?
Yes!

No way!

Hank and Jim are
nothing alike. Oh.

Hank is thoughtful
and charming and romantic.

Jim's all those things.

Ah, crap on a cracker,
I got dip on my shirt!

Yeah, they're practically twins.

Did you know Hank
took me to the opera?

Really? Uh, Jim, where did
you take me on our second date?

Uh, the ballet.

You took her to the ballet?

Yeah, I wanted her
to think I was cultured

so I could tune in Tokyo,
you know?

Okay. This is insane.

It's killing you, isn't it?

The guy you're dating is me!

Ah!

Oh, I hope it works out
for the two of you

because I'm already taken.

(JIM LAUGHING)

You guys are so full of it!

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Let me ask you something.
When you went to the opera,

was Hank familiar
with any of the music?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

he sang along to a
couple of the pieces.

Uh-huh. I see.
Were they the actual lyrics

or dirty made-up joke lyrics?

Shut up.

Uh-uh.

You know, I may be
a powerful superhero,

but, damn,

I still like to play with dolls.

You know I'm a guy?

Hi. My name's Jim.
This is my house.

Guys, guys, I got the camera.

Okay, okay, you guys, pose.

Okay. (GROWLING)

Aw, it's adorable.

Cheryl, that is
a great flapper outfit.

Well, thank you. Jim
thought I was a dame

from a Three Stooges movie.

Yeah, you totally are.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, God, we're out of dip.

Did anybody see?
Did anybody see?

I don't think so.
No.

Okay, it's on the counter. Get
it and put it on the snack table.

Move! Move!
Move! Move!

Cheryl, stop bossing
my boyfriend around.

I haven't even done that yet.

(LAUGHING) Oh. I'm sorry. He
just reminds me so much of Jim.

Okay, for the last time,

Hank and Jim are
nothing alike, okay?

They have no similar qualities,

they've got nothing in common,

so just drop it!
Okay.

(SIGHS)

Oh, yeah.

Personal foul.

Fifteen-yard penalty
for turning me on.

(SCREAMING)

Well, thank you, Irene.
It was fun.

But I don't think it was as fun

as the Johnsons' Fourth
of July party, do you?

Oh, well, aren't you sweet!

Yes, I will see you
next year, definitely.

Okay. Bye-bye.

(EXCLAIMING)
We own Halloween!

By the way, thank you for
squeezing Jim's butt last night.

(GROANS) Now he's
going to want me to do it.

Please just drop it.

I went through three
bottles of antibacterial soap.

What did Hank say?

Oh! He actually thought
it was pretty funny.

You see?
He is like Jim.

Yeah, I see that now,

so that's why I dumped him.

What?

Well, I don't want
a future with...

With what? Jim?

Well, it's just that
I have this vision

of what I want my life to be,

and it's not this, you know.

What's wrong with this?

I mean, I got... I got a
husband who loves me,

I have three beautiful,
healthy kids.

I don't need you looking
down your nose at me

just 'cause
you can't keep a man.

Well, I can
keep a chimp, Cheryl.

That doesn't mean
I want one in my house.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have a house?

I didn't realize that
because you're always here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I just
love hanging out here

and baby-sitting your kids
when you and Jim go off to the

pickle convention or
wherever it is he takes you.

I got you a T-shirt.

Yeah, I remember. "Pickle
people do it with relish."

Yeah, it was cute.

It was stupid.
I would never wear that.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.

You have to look good
for no one.

Fine.

You and your ratty sweatpants

can have a nice life without me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You bought me these
sweatpants, smartass!

Andy, let me ask you something.

If you hit me in the
stomach really hard,

would it pop my appendix?

I'm willing to risk it.

What are you trying
to get out of?

(SIGHS) Cheryl wants me to go
shopping for end tables with her.

Wait, not even to buy them.

Just to get ideas.

I'm telling you, ever since
those two have been fighting,

I've turned into the new Dana.

Been there.

Hey.

Cheryl?

Cheryl, what are
you doing here? Hi.

Well, Dana left this
at the party,

and she's not going
to come get it,

so I thought maybe you
could drop it off at her house.

No problem. I'll put
my best man on it.

(SIGHS)

So...

So, um...
What are you doing?

Well, the girls are in school,

and Kyle's at a play date.

I thought maybe you and I
could grab some salads and talk.

Mmm.

Tell you what, you make
it a steak and a nooner,

and I'm on board.

Oh.

Oh, would you look at that?

What?

She probably doesn't
even know it's missing.

You know, she leaves
this thing everywhere.

(SOBBING)

Probably lose her head
if it wasn't screwed on.

Oh, Cheryl, please.

Oh, I'm...
(SCOFFS) I'm fine.

Oh, you know, my sister and I

will probably just
grow old separately.

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

Until we're finally
brought together again

for Andy's funeral.

Andy, we have got to
do something

to put these two back together.

You put them together.
I'm staying out of it.

Okay, okay, then I guess
you get to go with Cheryl

shopping for end tables that
we're not even going to buy,

because I'm not
doing both of them.

Here.

All right.

But at my funeral,
I want bagpipes.

Hey, that's your day. You
can have whatever you want.

Oh.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Brought your jacket.

Huh.

Cheryl didn't want
to bring it herself, huh?

No, she couldn't,

'cause she's really busy
with... Nah.

You want some ice cream?

What flavor?
Do you care?

No.

Oh.

You know, uh...
(CHUCKLES)

This is the first time you've
ever shared anything with me.

Oh, well, Andy, I mean,

you're my brother.
I love you.

Yikes.

Come on, Dana.

Why don't you just
give Cheryl a call?

Why? So she can tell me
how pathetic I am

and that I can't keep
a man and I'm a failure

and I haven't showered
in three days

and all my plants
are dying and...

Would you stop?

What?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You've got it great.

You're a beautiful,
intelligent woman,

but are you happy? No.

You're sitting here alone
crying, eating ice cream,

and I've been there, Dana,
three times last week.

Andy, listen...
No, you listen to me.

Your problem is, Dana,

that if you can't have
this perfect life

you've always dreamed about,

you don't want any life at all.

Well, wake up!

People all around you are happy.

Cheryl is happy.

She's found someone she loves.

Is he perfect? No.

Hell, no.

You want to sit around waiting

for this perfect guy
all your life, that's fine.

That's your choice.
Go ahead and do that.

But don't knock someone
for playing a game

you won't even suit up for.

Wow.
Wow.

I never tore anyone
a new one before.

Do I stay?
Do I go? What?

Um, stay. Please.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm going to go.
Okay.

Shower.

Boy, that was a hell of a party.

Five days ago.

Okay, Cheryl.

But I can live longer
like this than you can.

Girls, go to bed.

Don't forget to wash up
and brush your teeth.

No, we don't want to.

I'll handle it. Your credibility
is a little shaky right now.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey.

Hey.

I was so stupid.

No, no, I was mean.
I just...

No, no, let me just say
what I have to say.

I was wrong.

I know how happy Jim makes you.

I mean, to me, he's just Jim,

but to you, he's everything.

And I want a guy
who's everything.

You know, if he comes
in a Jim package,

then I guess I'll just
have to work with that.

Aw!

"Work" doesn't even begin to
describe what I have to do with Jim.

Oh, God, I ate a quart of
ice cream before dinner.

I ate two instead of dinner.

Look.
(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

I know.

That really is stupid.

I know.

I missed you.
Oh, I missed you, too.

Aw!

Oh, what am I going
to do about Hank?

I really liked him.

I know. Call him.

I wouldn't know what to say.

I mean, we only went
out for a couple weeks.

We don't know each other
very well.

JIM: Three Little Pigs
is just a story.

I don't know where
they buy their pants.

Go to sleep!

Yep, I think you know Hank
better than you think you do.

Oh, hey, Dana.

Hey.

So, the... The two of you
are cool now?

Yes.

Oh, thank God.

I don't think I could
spend another night

drinking herb tea
and talking handbags.

So, Jim, Dana wants
to make up with Hank,

but she doesn't know
what to say,

so she's going to
talk to you instead.

Me?
Yeah.

Oh, all right.

Let me get in character here.

(BURPS)

Okay, proceed.

Okay, this is weird.

I'll be right here
the whole time.

Come on.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Okay.

You're Hank.
Yes. Hank.

Um...

I really screwed up.
Mmm-hmm.

I acted like a spoiled princess
because I was feeling...

(INTERRUPTING)

You know, uh...

Dana, I'm hearing
a lot of "I's,"

but not hearing
any "you's."

I'm a man. You want to hold
my interest? Talk about me.

You...
Yeah.

Made me feel really special,

and you made me realize

what a wonderful person you are.

Am I a sexy beast?

Yes, Hank.

And we were
really great together,

and I lost sight of that.

But if you give me another shot,

I will never do it again.

All right, well, let's see here.

I'll tell you what.

You open me up
a can of cling peaches,

and you got yourself a deal.

Cling peaches?

What the heck
do cling peaches...

(INTERRUPTING)

Do you want me back or not?

Yeah, you know, it
won't always make sense.

All right.
Cling peaches it is.

Attagirl!

RUBY: Daddy! Gracie's
licking my doll's head!

GRACIE: She wiped
her boogers on me!

Here we go.
I'm coming up there!

You know, when I was a kid,

my mom would give me
a sip of brandy

and I was out for the night.

Okay. I'm going to
go over to Hank's.

Oh, good. Hey, you gonna
wear the cheerleading outfit?

Yeah, of course. Cling
peaches can only get me so far.

(LAUGHS)

I love you.
I love you.

JIM: All right, if you
two don't stop fighting,

I'm going to let the
monster out of the closet!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Girls, girls, get out
from under the bed.

GRACIE: No!

JIM: All right, but that's
where the snakes are.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Hey, Daddy's...
Daddy's kidding.