According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Lemonade Stand - full transcript

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(BEEPING)

That's another store
I can't go back to.

Cheryl, that guy had 13 items.

When I feel like my
liberties are threatened,

I jump on it.

Jim, you don't count
each can in a six-pack.

In my world, you do.

Did you and Daddy
get us scooters?

No, honey, we went
to the grocery store.

The one next to
the scooter store?

I told you, no
scooters till Christmas.



But then we have to wait.

And we don't want to wait.

Scooters!

BOTH: Scooters!
Scooters! Scooters!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's with this
attitude here, huh?

Where do you think
the money comes from?

The machine at the bank.

You put your card in
and push 4-7-2-0.

How do you know my code?

You move your lips
when you do it.

Mmm-hmm.

Look, girls, it may be
okay for your mother

to sit around the house
all day looking pretty,



but it's not
going to work for you.

You know, girls, it's true.

Not everyone can have
my fairy tale life.

Here's your hemorrhoid
medicine. Ooh, thanks.

Huh. Brand name.

You haven't given me
a raise in three years,

but you're buying
the good stuff.

All right, girls, look.

If you want a scooter so bad,

you're just going to have to
find a way to earn the money.

You understand?

Okay.

Aunt Dana, will you
give us money

so we can buy scooters?

Get up. Get up.

You know, girls,
when I was your age,

I made money by taking
dares on the playground.

I'd eat all sorts of stuff.

Dirt, worms.

The occasional booger.

Thank you.

Long story short,

the stomach pump guy
at the emergency room

suggested a lemonade stand.

Can we do a lemonade stand?

Yeah. Yes,
that's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah,
that sounds good. Sure.

Yay!
Yay!

I'll go make lemonade.

GRACIE: We can make a sign.

RUBY: And we'll charge
$100 a glass.

Boogers, huh?

Tastes like chicken.

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

Oh, honey,

would you look at
them? They're so cute,

setting up their first business.

If this works,

I say we blow their
college fund on an RV.

Oh.

Okay, we're open.
Lemonade, 50 cents.

(LAUGHS)

Go inside.

What? No, honey,
I'm your first customer.

I'd like a lemonade, please.

Fifty cents.

Aren't you thirsty, Daddy?

It's my lemonade.
I'm not buying it twice.

Oh.

I'll take a cup.

Fifty cents.

I know, I know, I know.
50 cents, 50 cents.

Aw!

JIM: Oh, crap.
The Driscolls.

Jim, be nice.
I swear to God...

I am not going to be nice...

Hey!

Look who it is. It's
Janice, Wallace, and Jules.

Jim.

Driscoll.

Oh, this is just darling.

Just like a Norman
Rockwell painting.

Aren't they cute?

And look at your Jules. He's
growing like a weed. Mmm-hmm.

Speaking of weeds, Jim,
it seems like you have

a little bit of grass
poking up between yours.

(MOCK LAUGHING)
Very funny.

You here to talk, or to buy?

Daddy, let us do it.

You here to talk, or to buy?

Well! (LAUGHS) We'd like
three lemonades, please.

Oh, thank you.

Well, Cheryl, you were
always good to our Julie here,

when he sold sliced
fruit door to door.

Thank you, Mr. Driscoll.

Oh, and so polite.

But it's Dr. Driscoll.

Daddy said feet doctors
aren't real doctors.

Well, my luxury sedan's
real enough.

Hmm.

Well, this is
awfully refreshing.

Fresh-squeezed?

Actually, it's a powdered mix.

Well, you can't
tell the difference.

Well, good luck, girls.

Julie, you don't have to
finish it if you don't like it.

You need to stir it more,

unless you're going
for chunky style.

Hey.

Thank you for that tip, Julie.

I got a tip for you.

When you get into high school,

change your name to "Kick me"!

(LAUGHING)

Mommy, let us do it.

Oh, okay, yes, of course.

(STUTTERING) But,
honey, use the spoon,

not your fingers, promise?

Go already!
We know, we know!

(BOTH YELLING)

We're gone, we're
gone, we're gone.

No, no, that's it!
Give me it!

Give me it! Give
me it! Give me it!

Okay!
Give me it.

Mmm, mmm!

That is some good lemonade.

Oh, Andy, that is so sweet.

Thank you for
supporting the girls.

Yeah.

I tasted their lemonade.

Or at least tried to.

Then I saw Jules
Driscoll next door

selling real
fresh-squeezed lemonade.

(CHERYL GASPS)

What?

Yep. It's like he's captured
the taste of summer.

Andy, how could you do that?

I mean, these are your nieces.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Hey, Mom would have never
sent us to the street to hock a mix.

Why would the Driscolls
do something like that?

'Cause they're no good, Cheryl.

I told you that
the day they moved in.

No, no, the day they moved
in, you told me they were spies.

Well, he still hasn't
explained the ham radio.

But he's going to explain this!

Hey, check it out.

They gave me a Lemon Jules card.

Buy five, get one free.

Andy!

That's all right.
I'm in their computer.

Thank you for making Lemon Jules

your beverage
establishment of choice.

If you have a chance, please
fill out our comment card.

(GASPS)

Driscoll!

Come here!

What... What do you
think you're doing?

You stole my girls' idea!

I'm sorry, I didn't
know you invented

the concept of a lemonade stand.

We're also observing the
laws of gravity here today.

Or are those
just for you as well?

Oh, oh, I see. You're
trying to show me up, huh?

Well, my girls were here first.

You invited competition when
you offered an inferior product.

Oh, competition?
You want competition?

You got it, buddy!

Oh, hitching up your pants, huh?

Two can play that game.

Okay, I'm a little
uncomfortable.

Well, I'm fine.

So I guess I win
the pants thing, huh?

JULES: Dad!

Oh, look, I have to refill
Jules' lemonade pitcher.

I see no such problem exists
on your side of the hedge.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, you laugh,
Driscoll. Laugh!

Ah!

(GRUNTING)

God!

Girls.

Guess what, girls?

You are going to have
the best lemonade stand!

It's gonna be bigger, it's
gonna be better, it's gonna be...

More lemony.

Cool!

What should we do?

Go in the house and
wait for Daddy to call you.

But we want to help.

Yeah, you had your chance.
Come on, go.

Daddy's in charge now!

Wow. Jim!

This stand is going to totally
blow Driscoll's out of the water.

Well, it's what I do.

Hey, check out our new sign.

What the hell is this?

It looks like some kid wrote it.

Jim, you forget. I used
to be in advertising.

America loves this homespun
childhood happiness crap.

Okay.

Hey, Dana, I made
up these fliers

and put them up all
over the neighborhood.

"Please buy some lemonade.
Our grandma is sick."

Andy, what are you thinking?

I know it's not true...

It's also not specific.
Grandma has a name.

It's Rose.
Wait! Gertie.

And she's not just sick.
She needs a new hip.

No, kidney.

Ooh, you're good.

You're aces, kid.
Now go. Make.

(HAMMERING)

Hey, Jim,

what happened to the
kids' lemonade stand?

Well, I turned it into a lemonade
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) experience.

(CHUCKLING)
Check it out.

We got coffee drinks,
cotton candy,

and chocolate-covered bananas.

And between the hours
of 2:00 and 3:00,

Lemo the magnificent will
be entertaining the kiddies.

How about that?

Where are the girls?

Oh, uh, inside, I guess.

Well, I thought
this was to teach them

about hard work and
the value of a dollar.

Excuse me, Cheryl,
but where have you been

while we were
doing all this work?

Kyle has an ear infection.

I had to take him
to the pediatrician.

(CLICKING TONGUE)
Must be nice.

Okay, here's where we stand.

We can either
get a knife thrower

or a Sweathog from
Welcome Back, Kotter.

Horshack?
Not available.

Please, give me that phone.

Dana! How'd you
get dragged into this?

Cheryl, I'm an
advertising professional.

It's like when a doctor
drives by an accident scene.

You know, you don't
think of yourself.

You just stop and help.

Marilyn, hi.

Hi, Cheryl. What a darling
sign. I'll take four glasses.

I'm back.

I'm so sorry to hear about
the girls' grandmother.

Yeah, Grandma Rose
is one tough old bird.

Gertie.
Whatever.

We're keeping
our fingers crossed.

Oh!

How much are the
chocolate-covered bananas?

(SOBBING) Oh, you
know what? I'll take them all.

Twenty bucks, no check.

Dana, Horshack's out,
but I got a look-alike.

Yes!
Yes!

This is insane.
I don't want any part of this.

Fine, fine, fine. Oh,
when you see the girls,

tell them it's going great!

Oh, my God.

Knock, knock, knock.
Oh, hi.

It's your neighbor
with a peace offering.

Oh, Janice, thank you.

Oh, and thank you
so much for coming over.

I am at my wit's end.

I don't know what
to do about our men.

Oh, I know.
They are so competitive.

It's almost like it's about
who's got the bigger...

Dot, dot, dot.

(LAUGHING)
And if you ask me,

they're acting like
a couple of dot, dot, dots.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That's very funny. Oh!

You know, this happens
to Wallace a lot.

People get jealous.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, he's a doctor.

He makes a very good living.

And sometimes that's a
problem for people like Jim.

"People like Jim"?

Yeah. You know, blue collar.

Blue collar?

I'll have you know that Jim has
been invited to join the Kiwanis Club.

Well, my mistake.

Make sure you say hello
to Ben and J. Lo for me.

You know, you know,
I think you're forgetting

that we actually had
a lemonade stand up first,

so Wallace is actually the one
who's jealous. He copied us.

Oh, Cheryl.

(LAUGHING) If he
really wanted to copy you,

he would have put out
a shabby card table

and served
citrus-flavored chemicals.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Those chemicals happen
to be the official drink

of the WNBA.

Hmm.

And I've seen your card table when
we came over to play gin rummy.

Or don't you remember?

(IMITATING GULPING DRINK)

Well, I had to do something
to blot out the sight

of your husband sucking
the marrow out of a rib!

(GASPS)

Oh, oh, oh, God.
So sorry.

Oh, would you look at us?
We're acting just like them.

Oh, I know, honey. Let's
just... Let's calm down.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(SCREAMING) My eyes!
My eyes!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

I can't believe it!

Driscoll's got pony rides now!

Why didn't I think of that?

Relax. He's targeting
the wrong demographic.

Pony rides are for 3-year-olds.

(SIGHING)

That little Applesauce.

What a cutie.

He looked right at me,
Jim. Right at me.

Ah!

Cheryl! (LAUGHS)
What happened to you?

I got into a bit of a
dust-up with Janice Driscoll.

Tell you this.
She doesn't look so tall

when I got
a fistful of her hair.

Cheryl, haven't I told you

if you were to get into
a sexy catfight, to call me?

Well, I'll tell you this.

We are taking back
the neighborhood!

Yeah!
Right!

Way to jump on
board, baby! Yeah!

We're going to bury
those Driscolls! Yeah!

Listen, we just need
something with a little sizzle.

Sizzle! Sizzle! Okay,
I got it. I got it! I got it!

What? We'll, uh, we'll
set some old tires on fire.

People will come and they'll
stick around for the lemonade.

All right, I'm just
spitballing here.

Help me here. I don't
know what I'm talking about.

Look. We made a prettier
sign for the lemonade stand.

(GASPS)

Yeah, you know, we
decided to go another way.

But we want to help.

And you can!

Why don't you girls go upstairs
and finish reading Harry Potter?

But it's 700 pages!

Well, then you'd
better get going.

Go, go, go!
Okay, come on.

All right, here we
go. I got a better...

(EXCLAIMING) I got it!

CHERYL: What?
JIM: What?

A car wash!

That doesn't have sizzle.

Oh, I think it does.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Please, please, free
Internet, free Internet.

Well, well,

look who's come to surf our
new cyber-lemonade stand.

Very clever, Jim.

Look, it was a long
walk over here,

so let me just say
what I have to say.

Game over. You win.

What? Hey, Cheryl,
Cheryl, quick!

Come here, come here,
come here, come here!

I want my wife to hear that,

but can you say it like you're
saying it for the first time?

Cheryl.

Janice.

Found your earring.

How about my tooth?

Still looking.

Your husband won.

Your lemonade stand
is better than mine.

Oh! Yay!
Yes!

(SIREN BEEPS)

What's that?

Hey there, Officer.

Can I suds up
the cruiser for you?

A concerned neighbor
filed a complaint.

I'm going to need
to see your permit.

Permit?

Yes, a permit is required to operate
a temporary commercial business.

What... Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Are you telling me my kids need
a permit to run a lemonade stand?

Well, I see a massage table.

I see some meat
sitting out in the sun.

I see some sort of
gay porn car wash.

But I don't see
any lemonade. Or kids.

Dana, help me out here.

Uh, Officer.

(GIGGLING) Isn't there
something we can, you know...

Sorry, Jim, she's straight.
There's nothing I can do.

Two hundred bucks?

Why... You know what?

This guy needs a ticket, too.

He doesn't have
a permit, either.

Or do I?

Yeah, looks good.

There's no violation here.

Officer, can I interest you
in some saltwater taffy?

Complimentary, of course.

Mmm-hmm.

So, you're the concerned
neighbor, huh?

Oh, I'm not concerned
anymore, Jim, 'cause I win.

Oh, in case your wife
didn't hear that,

I'll say it again like I'm
saying it for the first time.

I win.

God, it makes me hot
when you talk like that.

Oh, yeah? Well,
two can play at that game.

Oh!

Oh, Cheryl, what a shame

all this food's
going to go to waste.

I'll tell you what. I'll give
you a nickel for the pie.

Our dogs haven't eaten yet.

Don't worry, Janice.

It's on the house.
Hmm.

Andy, Andy, get the camera.

There's going to
be a sexy pie fight.

(GROANS)

That's okay, Cheryl.
Don't get up. I got it.

I've been sitting here going
over and over it in my mind,

trying to figure out how it
all went so terribly wrong.

We took over our
girls' lemonade stand.

I got into two fights.

I know. I know.

That's what went wrong, you see.

You're the grounded one.
We can't both be mad dogs.

One of us has to be the
chain. That's you, Cheryl.

Jim, the point was to
teach the girls a life lesson,

but instead we shoved
them out of the way.

I know, I know.

I'm ashamed of both of us.

It wasn't one of our best days.

No.

But, you know, if you
look at the bright side,

you know...

There's no bright side. We just blew
it, didn't we? We just really blew it.

Finally.

What, did you take
the scenic route?

I saw a hummingbird.

Well, it must have
all been worth it, then.

How much money did we make?

Well, let me see.

Of course, there was
parts and labor. Yeah.

Then there was the ticket.

Dot, dot, dot.
Carry the two.

46 bucks.

Is that enough to buy scooters?

Well...

Girls, listen.

That's not even close.

I, uh, scooters are really...

Your mother and I
will help pitch in. Yeah.

No, we want to make
our own money.

Yeah. We want to have another
lemonade stand next weekend.

You do?

Really?

That's a great idea.
You know what? Yeah.

We're going to do it
right this time.

We're going to get
the permits first.

We're going to
get a real Horshack.

Hey, hey, Jim, Jim, Jim!

Oh, you're right.
Yes.

You should do it yourselves.

And we're very proud of you.

We are.

Do we have to
finish Harry Potter?

(LAUGHING)
No, not today.

No, no, you guys
go play. BOTH: Yay!

(JIM LAUGHING)

Oh, I don't believe it.

We acted like jerks

and we still made
our kids better people.

Yeah, well,

we're pretty good
parents, you know.

Yeah.

Mmm.
Oh!

Boy, I don't think I'll ever be
able to eat off the plate again.

(LAUGHING)

I think we can
forget about this.

I wish I could
forget about that.