According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 4 - Getting to Know You - full transcript

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Here's the plane.
Look at it.

(IMITATES JET ENGINE)

Okay, honey,
I'll be back about 9:00.

Oh, oh, honey,
hold on one second.

Remember the other day
when you came home

and Ruby had a new
scrape on her knee?

Yes, and you claimed it
didn't happen on your watch.

Right. I don't want
that to happen again.

Girls, can you come in, please?

Stay right here.
Right here.

So can we do a quick
walk-around inspection



so there's no confusion?

Okay, we got a cut...
Yep.

Okay. Scrape.
Right.

Birthmark.
Born with that.

Okay. Okay, we got a
little rash here. Right.

Mosquito bite here.
Uh-huh.

All right, girls, thank you.

Could you just
sign here, please?

Okay.

And initial there.

Okay, honey, have fun.

Mmm-hmm. Thank you.

Okay, here we are.

(LOUD CRASHING)



GRACIE: Ow! My knee!

Gracie, let me see.

Left knee.

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

Oh, Tanya Bannon
looks so beautiful

in that new necklace.

And trust me, her neck is not
winning any prizes on its own.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Pulp.

Great. Now I got to floss.

So... So why did Mark get her the
necklace? What was the occasion?

Oh, well, this is the best
part. There was no occasion.

He just spontaneously
bought it because he loves her.

Oh! Mark Bannon is
so sweet. Mmm-hmm.

I should have married him
when I had the chance.

(BELCHING)
Too late!

Oh!

You know what?

I don't get why you girls
go so crazy for jewelry.

I mean, you can't eat it,
you can't drive it,

and if you really want
something shiny,

you can get a nice fishing
lure for under five bucks.

Well, I think it's special that
Mark would do something like that

for his wife after 15
years of marriage.

Special, huh?
Yes!

Well, let me tell you something.

A guy only springs for
fancy jewelry for two reasons.

One, to get the chick
in the sack,

or two, because he's cheating.

Pop!

Pop?

Yeah, that's your
bubble bursting.

Oh!

Nah, I never trusted
that Mark Bannon,

with his parted hair
and those slip-on shoes.

I'm telling you,
this guy has got

something going on on the side.

Oh, will you stop?

Mark is not like that,
and I'll tell you what.

You could learn
something from him.

Yeah, you know, she's right.

Except for that hair-parting
thing. That ship sailed.

Look, in a healthy marriage,

the kind that Dana
will never experience,

I'm telling you,
there's no reason

for this fancy gift giving.

I don't know.

A little thoughtfulness
goes a long way.

I'm thoughtful!
Oh...

I'm very thoughtful.

I just don't have to buy
a bunch of gifts to prove it.

I mean, what's the point?

I mean, who am I
trying to impress, you?

I mean...

Come on. You're not
going to go anywhere.

What?

Well, I already got you.
You're in place.

I mean, the only
jewelry you need

is the one you got right
there on your left hand, baby.

(LAUGHS) Oh, honey.

You know what?
You're right. Mmm-hmm.

Eggs?
Please.

Yeah.

Pepper?

Hola!

Hey.

What took you so long?

Oh, I got tied up
at the Jolly Hat Rack.

What do you think?

The woman at the store
said it was slimming.

Yeah, you'll lose
weight after the beatings.

So, we ready to go in?

Oh, I don't know. This
stuff looks so expensive.

Why couldn't Bannon have
gotten his wife pregnant?

I could have done that for free.

Look, Cheryl's upset with you.

Just buy her the jewelry.
Problem solved.

One and one makes two.

When it makes three,
give me a call.

May I help you?

Yes, I'm here to
look at some jewelry.

Earrings.
Okay.

Is this for you,
or your partner?

Lose the hat.
Lose the hat!

It's for my wife.

She's at home.

She's a woman.

Whoa! Mermaid
off the starboard bow.

All aboard the S.S. Andy.

What's the occasion?

Ah, it's not really
an occasion. I...

I told her I didn't
have to buy her jewelry

because she was
already in place.

That's not so bad, is it?

Not if you're
a jewelry salesman.

That's...
That's really funny.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, this looks like
something she might wear.

Perhaps you have this
in a zirconium knock-off?

No? Okay. Wrap 'em.

Leave the price tag on there.

I want her to know
how much I love her.

And then Johnny Civilis got hit with
the dodge ball right in the intesticles.

What's intesticles?

That's the ribs, sweetie.
It's the ribs.

He wasn't holding his ribs.

Okay, who wants
pineapple upside-down cake?

Now, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Actually, could you
please sit down, Cheryl?

I need to say something.

I thought we agreed,
cake, then gift.

That hat!

As you may be aware, I
made a remark earlier today

that some could
perceive as insensitive.

Oh.

Oh, Jim, it was our
fault for listening to you.

So...

Though I'm not
admitting to any guilt,

I would like to give you
this spontaneous token

of my love...

Oh! ...which is
deeper than the ocean.

I saw a show about a dolphin.

Great.

Which is wider than the sky...

Do birds like ice cream?

Not now, Ruby.

Which is wider than the sky...

Because I saw a cartoon
where a bird ate pie.

Here. There.
Take it. Just take it.

Open it up.

Jim.
Yes.

Did you get me jewelry?

Well, let's just say
that Mark Bannon's

not the only guy
who loves his wife.

Oh, honey.

(GASPS)

Hmm?
Oh!

Thank you, Jim.
They're wonderful.

So, cake?

"Wonderful"?

That's what she says
when she can't think

of anything good to say.

She says my drawings
are wonderful.

Yeah. Time to
grow up, princess.

You... You...

You hate the earrings,
don't you?

No, honey, they're wonderful.

Wonderful?
There's that word again.

All right, look,

I don't want to
sound ungrateful,

but these are exactly
like the earrings

I've been wearing every day
for the past 15 years.

See?

Well, how about that?

Yeah, but these new ones
have sentimental value.

Yeah, well, the old
ones were given to me

by my grandmother
on her deathbed.

Who wants to remember that?

Would you stop it?

It's like you don't even see me.

Oh, come on.
I see you.

No, no, I don't think so.

Sometimes it's like
you don't know me at all.

Oh, come on.
I know you.

I know you better than anybody.

Yeah? What was
my major in college?

(SCOFFS) Biology.

Business administration.

Same thing.

Who's my favorite band?

Well, that's easy.
One of those obscure bands.

Beatles.
That's it.

What color are my eyes?

34C.

Oh! Come on! I was joking.

It was a joke!

You don't know
everything about me, either.

Try me.

All right, what's
my favorite movie?

Ice Station Zebra, followed
by A Fistful of Dollars

and Pootie Tang.

Fine. But that could
apply to almost anybody.

You're afraid of spiders, you
get a foot rash every summer,

your favorite song to
dance to is Brick House,

your mother's middle name is
Madeleine, you're allergic to MSG.

Oh, and you bite your lip
when you know you've lost.

Fine. Enough
of your parlor tricks.

(SIGHS)

That Bannon...
What a kiss-ass!

He bought jewelry for his wife

just to make my life miserable.

Jim, it's not about
buying jewelry.

It's about taking the
time to notice me.

Jim, the girls are asking a
lot of questions out there.

I need a carrot,
two lemons, and a sock.

(PLAYING SOUR NOTES)
57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62,

63, 64, 65, 66, 67...

Hi!

Oh, hey!

Okay, girls, you can
stop now. That was great!

Was it wonderful?

No, honey, I would
never say that to you.

Yay!
Yay!

So, Cheryl, you finally
bought a garden gnome.

No, Jim got it for me
because he knows I like them.

Wow.
Yes.

It's been three days of nonstop
attention to the details of me.

I should buy
Mark Bannon flowers.

Well...

You better send it
to one of those

creepy singles apartments
by the airport.

Tanya kicked him out.

What?

Apparently, he's been having

an ongoing affair
with his secretary.

Oh, no!

Oh, that's awful!

I know. Poor Tanya.

Not Tanya. Me!

That means Mark bought her the
necklace because he was cheating.

Oh, so Jim was right.

Yeah.

When he finds out, it's going to
be gloat-a-palooza around here.

Yeah. Oh, God. He's going
to be the Gloatmaster General.

Oh, come on.
I laughed at your thing.

Crap.

I guess I knew
it had to end sometime.

Well, it doesn't have to.
You don't have to tell him.

Oh, Dana!
He's my husband.

I wouldn't feel
right doing that.

Cheryl! Cheryl...

I wanted to tell you.

There is not one stray hair
on the soap in the shower.

Because I know that's
a pet peeve of yours,

as is the phrase,
"Pet peeves."

Thank you, honey.

And, you know, I was thinking

maybe we should
paint the bedroom

periwinkle blue.

Your favorite color.

You're going to
paint the bedroom?

Don't push it, honey.

The point was the color thing.

What happened to telling him?

Yeah, I know, I know, I should,

but there's no hair on the
soap for the first time in years.

Is that what it comes
down to in a marriage,

is hairless soap?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

JIM: Hey, Cheryl,
you hear that?

That was a courtesy flush,

because I know you love them!

I do. I really do.

ANDY: Come on, come on.

All right, that's
real mature, okay?

Give me the hat. Come on!
Oh!

Give me the hat.
Give me the hat!

Give him the hat!

Here you go, Captain.

(CHUCKLES)

You and me, Beltzman. We're
headed for some choppy waters.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

All right, calm down, calm down.

Hey, by the way, Andy,

thanks for that tip
on the garden gnome.

Cheryl loved it.

Yeah, yeah, I'm touched.
Where's my five?

Oh, right.
Right, right, right.

There you go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on here?

Jim's been giving me money
to fill him in on stuff Cheryl likes.

Yeah, she thinks
I don't know her.

Boy, she couldn't be more wrong.

What else you got, Andy?

Ooh, this one's worth
$10 easy. JIM: What?

Cheryl loves these
butterscotch candies

that my grandma used
to give her and Dana.

Good. That's good.

I never got any,

'cause I was
Mr. Dirty-boy-nasty-hands.

What?

I was 14!
She walked in on me.

Oh, stop!
Will you just...

What was I gonna do, huh?

Just stop it!

So, why do you suddenly have
to know stuff about your wife?

I mean, she's already in place.

Thank you.

She heard that
Mark Bannon got his wife

a fancy new necklace
for no reason at all.

I could just kill the guy!

I think his wife is
gonna beat you to it.

Why?

She caught him fooling around.

What?

With his secretary.

(JIM CHUCKLING) Twenty-two
years old. Former gymnast. Ah!

Limber! Nice.

Yeah!

Well, well, well. A husband
buying his wife jewelry

because he was fooling around.

Who would have thought?

One, two, three, four.

(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)

Hey.
Hey.

How was practice?

Oh, practice was great.

Oh! What are you doing?

I am putting my socks and shoes

where people eat,
because I know you,

and you hate that!

Then why are you doing it?

One moment, Cheryl.

You also hate it when I
leave a wet sponge in the sink.

And you also hate it
when I drink milk

right out of
the carton. Observe.

I had that out
'cause it went bad.

(SPITTING)

And I also know you hate
it when I spit in the sink!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I get it. I get it.

You're doing things
you know I hate.

Mmm-hmm.
Why?

Well, because word
on the street is

that your precious
little Mark Bannon

was caught cheating
on his turkey-neck wife!

What?
You heard me.

Hence his romantic
gesture of jewelry.

So, Cheryl,

shall I preheat the oven,

or do you like to
eat your crow raw?

You don't know how
to preheat the oven.

And just because
someone told you

that Mark Bannon was
fooling around with his secretary

doesn't make it true.

Oh, it's true, but...
Whoa, whoa.

I didn't say anything
about a secretary.

Neither did I.

Yes, you did. I just
heard you say...

No, I didn't.

I just heard you say it!

How long have you known?

A few hours.

What's a few hours?

I don't know.

How many hours is three days?

Good God, woman.
Three days?

Oh, so I took advantage
of the situation.

You do that all the time.

Oh, Cheryl, what a
tangled web we weave

when we something-something
on Christmas eve.

Mmm-hmm.

That is so not how it goes.

Well, sorry, we can't
all major in poetry.

Business administration!

Come on. Go ahead!

Make as much sense
as you want right now,

because you are totally busted!

So, you got two choices.

Either I return the
unwanted earrings back,

and take the money
and buy something I want,

or you can keep the earrings,

and I'm going to have
an affair with my secretary!

You don't have a secretary.

It's just you and Andy.

I'm returning the earrings.

Yeah.

You know, it's sad.
What?

Well, poor Mark Bannon,
you know.

It's Saturday night and he's
probably watching his little TV

in his little apartment
by the airport

wondering what happened
to his life.

You know, does it get any
more pathetic than that?

Got any fours?

JIM: Where are you, Cheryl?

Yeah, I'm in here.

Hey, Cheryl, can I
talk to you for a minute?

Yeah. Yeah.

Wait. Well, hello!
What about the game?

Oh, deal me out.

I'm sitting on three nines here.

Do you have any nines?

Look, Cheryl, I need to tell
you something. Yeah, so do I.

No, no, no.
I got to go first.

I need to apologize.
After you.

I'm sorry I didn't tell
you about Mark Bannon.

Oh, that's all right.
Forget about it.

Until the next time
I get in trouble.

Look, when I went to
return those earrings,

it made me think about
something and that is...

When I told you that I
didn't have to buy you jewelry

because you were
already in place,

I didn't mean it as a bad thing.

I know, honey.

I mean, I know I don't see you,

but in my defense,
I don't see a lot.

I mean, look, I may not
know what your major is

or what your favorite song is,

or how many years
we've been married.

But, you know, you're a
part of me, like my arm.

Only with, you know,
without the hair.

Oh, honey,
you're a part of me, too.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Which part?

Yeah, I don't want
to play this game.

You're just going
to make it dirty.

(CHUCKLING)

You do know me.

Yeah.

Well, maybe I know you, too.

Come here.
Step into my office.

No, Jim, I'm not going
to the bathroom with you.

Not that office!

This way.

Ta-da!

A bike?

It's a pink bike.

Remember?
What?

Remember, it was
our second date,

and you told me the story
of when you were a little girl,

about how you wanted a pink bike

with white-walled tires
and a little...

(BELL DINGS) ...bell
for your birthday, right?

And your mom went out
and bought you a green one

because she liked
the color better.

You remembered that?

Of course.

Oh, honey, I'm impressed.

So am I.

I actually remembered
something without Andy's help.

What do you mean,
without Andy's help?

(SIGHING) Look, we're having
a really nice moment here.

You sure you want to
start asking questions?

No.

It's a very nice bike.

Want to go for a ride?

Yeah.

Okay. Jump on it.

Hey, honey?
Yeah?

Did I ever tell you about
that $600 Louis Vuitton purse

I didn't get as a child?

Why would you want
something fancy like that?

You got no place to go.
Oh!

I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that!

(SCREAMS)

Hey, man.
Hey.

I got a big date tonight.
Have you seen my hat?

Yeah. Right here.

Yes! Thanks, man.

You're welcome.
Anchors aweigh.