According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 29 - A Vast Difference - full transcript

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How much longer?

You just asked me that
10 seconds ago.

Oh.

How about now?

Jim, it's a pregnancy test,
not a meat loaf.

Great. Now I'm hungry, too.

Cheryl, what if it's positive?

Well, I mean, it wouldn't be the worst
thing in the world to have another kid.

No, no, no, no,
it would be great!

Great to... (SCOFFS) Come on!

You know what? I don't
even care if it's a boy or a girl,



as long as it's healthy
and a boy.

(EXHALES)

How much longer?

I don't know.

(STAMMERS) And I don't care,
because if it is positive...

It would be great! Yeah!

Absolutely fantastic!
Yeah!

Can you imagine Christmas
with four kids opening presents?

(BOTH GUFFAWING)

(STAMMERS) You know,
I hope it's twins!

Oh!

That would be
twice the blessing.

Yeah.

(BELL DINGING)



(EXHALES) Negative!

Oh, thank god!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Oh, we're not having
a baby! Oh, thank god!

Oh, that was close!

Oh, too close!
Okay, let's do it!

Oh! Whoa!
Don't... Jim! Wait!

What?

Well, we just had
a pregnancy scare.

Don't you think we should,
you know, talk about it?

Why! We just dodged a
bullet! You're not pregnant.

No 2:00 a.m. feedings,
no diapers.

Come on, baby.
It's naked time!

Come on.

Jim...

If we're this happy about not having
another baby, don't you think we should...

Take precautions to make sure
it doesn't happen again?

Yes, I completely agree.

You do whatever it takes and I'll
pick you up at the doctor's office.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

No, no!

For me, it's major surgery
and a hospital stay.

For you, it's quick
and simple. Snip, snip.

(GROANS) Ouch!

Snip, snip?

Yeah.
No, no. Ow, ow!

No, no!

No way "Snip, snip" with that...

Ooh, the sound of that.

Come on.
It's not happening.

God doesn't like it when you...

Mess around with his handiwork.

It's in the bible.

Oh, come on.

It is so!

"Thou shalt not
commit vasectomy."

Do you really want
to go through this again?

Oh, come on, Cheryl, do you know
why men wear cups at sporting events?

To protect
what's precious to them.

Why would I pay some guy
to take a knife to it?

Because for you,
it's safer, faster...

And cheaper.

Cheaper.

Damn it!

Honey, we can be
so much more spontaneous.

I mean, there's no more
stopping what we're doing

to fumble around
for birth control.

Well, you're the one fumbling.
I'm just waiting.

Yeah, and there's nothing more
romantic than hearing you say,

"Cheryl, let's go,
tick tock."

I say it a little more
romantically than that, thank you.

Jim.
What?

If you do this,
we can do whatever we want

whenever you want.

Oh, come on, I've heard
that song and dance before

when you wanted me
to eat more roughage.

Uh-uh.
I'm not buying it.

Okay, okay. But did I offer
you "Wherever you want"?

You're bluffing.

Am I?

You know, at the new movie
theater down at the mall

they have armrests that
fold up so that a person...

Or two...

Can lie down flat.

Wow, sex and a movie.

But I get to pick the movie.

Oh, I don't care. We
just had sex. I'll be asleep.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Jim, good morning.

Hi, Dr. Schulman.

So, you all prepped
and ready to go?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a little weird
trimming the infield there, you know.

But after it was done,

it felt quite comfortable
and breezy.

Well, you're not
the first one to say that.

You know, once you trim the
shrubbery, the tree looks bigger.

You are the first one
to say that.

So, uh, if you wouldn't mind
just laying back,

put your feet in the stirrups.

Come on, doc, I mean,

aren't you going to at least
buy me a drink first? (LAUGHS)

Okay, I'm going to
talk you through this.

It's really
a very simple procedure.

I'll begin by
manipulating the scrotum

so I can locate
the vas deferens.

And, uh, then I will
grip it firmly

and inject this local
anesthetic into your testicles.

Then you're going to feel a little
pinch, and I'll make the incision.

Once I cut and cauterize it,

you'll be completely sterile.

Back off, back off, back off
with the needle!

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. There's
going to be no cauterizing,

no sterilizing,
no "Izing" whatsoever!

Jim, just relax.

No, no, no,
you don't understand.

What if, god forbid,
something happened to my wife,

or she finally wises up
and leaves me?

I mean, I've got a
responsibility to my second wife,

you know, and her being 25,

she's going to want
to have another kid!

Jim, I met Cheryl
at the consultation.

You're not doing any better.

Trust me, you're done.

Now, just lay back on the table.

You know, you're having
a normal reaction.

(STAMMERS) Normal?

Is it normal for you to be slapped
by a shaved man in a paper dress?

Because that's what
is going to happen!

Back off!

What kind of a man
does this for a living?

You should be ashamed
of yourself!

Oh, and by the way,
I broke your nutcracker.

Oh, you brave, brave man.

Are you in a lot of pain?

No, not really, Cheryl,
but I need to tell you...

(SHUSHING) You know what?
You can tell me about it later.

I'm sure that wasn't fun.

(SIGHS) No.

No, It wasn't.

(SIGHS)

You don't even realize
how strong you are.

Oh, no, Cheryl,
I'm not strong at all.

Yes.

Yes, you are.

I am so proud of you.

Do you know,
the nurse was telling me

that some men chicken out
at the last minute

and run out like little girls?

But not you, no.

You were willing
to go through this for me...

For us.

You are my hero.

Well, Cheryl...

That's what heroes do.

Well, let's get you home,

because I am going to take
such good care of you.

(LAUGHING) Okay.

Cheryl, listen.

I'm feeling a little weak.
Can you pull the car up?

Of course.
You sit right there.

Oh, oh, baby, okay.
Just sit right there.

(GROANS)

Daddy, we made you
a get-well hat.

Put it on.

Oh, girls,
it's so lovely, but...

It's much too beautiful to wear.

Put it on!

Do you feel better now, daddy?

I know I do.

Okay, you girls ready?

Where are you taking them?

Cheryl asked me to take
the kids out of the house

so you could heal up from
that favor you did the world.

Where are we going, Aunt Dana?

We are going to return the dress
that Aunt Dana wore last night,

and if they give me a problem,
you get to throw a tantrum.

Can we swear like last time?

Only if you want ice cream.

Dana!

Hey, sweetie,
how are you feeling?

Well, that foot fungus is back.

I was talking to Jim.

And get those mushroom
farms off my couch.

Hey, honey,
I brought you some nachos.

Mmm! Something's missing.

(GASPS SARCASTICALLY)
A kiss.

(BOTH MOANING)
(LAUGHING)

Yes, that was it.
And sour cream.

Oh.

Boy, if I ever get a vasectomy,

I hope my wife
treats me this well.

Look, if you ever get a wife,

don't worry about
how she treats you.

I've got to hand it to you, Jim.

You got guts, man.

I'd never let anyone near Fred
and Ginger with a sharp object.

You named one of your guys
after a girl?

Yeah, the pretty one.

You realize what a
sacrifice you made?

All right, all right.
Just stop it, okay?

Listen...

If I tell you something,
can you be cool about it?

Baby, I was born cool.

I didn't get a vasectomy.

Oh, my god!

(SHUSHING)

Will you stop it!

I got a secret.

I feel so alive!

Oh!

Will you stop it? Wait,
whoa, no, no, wait.

You went to the doctor.
You're icing your crotch.

No, this is just potato chips

with rocks to weigh it down.

You want one?

I'm not eating chips
out of your...

Ooh, Cool Ranch!

So what happened?

I don't know.

I've got to tell you...

When that doctor came at me and
told me that I was going to be sterile,

I just freaked out.

I started thinking, when
we're walking down the street,

people are going to say, "Hey,
there goes Cheryl and sterile!"

Hey, honey, I made your
follow-up appointment.

What? Why?

You know, at the lab?

They have to make sure
the operation worked

and your little swimmers
aren't swimming.

It was in that brochure they
gave us at the consultation.

Oh, great, you're reading
the brochures now.

Yeah.

And when you're all healed up,

I'll make it worth your while.

What is the matter with you?

Nothing.

Just feeling alive.

Andy!

Wow.

I can't believe I didn't
see this coming,

but it looks like one of
your lies backfired on you.

I know, I know.

When we go to the lab and
the test comes back normal,

Cheryl's going to find out.

It's like I got three billion little stool
pigeons swimming around inside me.

Hold on. I got it.

Colonel Andy in the living
room with the answer.

I was watching a movie
on lifetime the other day.

What? You watch lifetime? Why?

'Cause I have no life
and plenty of time.

The same thing happened to
Perry King and Joan Van Ark.

What?

Perry goes in for a vasectomy,

four months later,
Joan's knocked up.

Wow, what happened?

Well, according to lifetime...

And they are
the women's channel...

With some guys,
it just doesn't take,

and their business
grows back together.

Jim, you could be
one of those guys.

Andy...

I just became one of those guys!

So you keep your
appointment at the lab,

and when the results
come back normal...

I just tell Cheryl
that it's a sign

that God didn't want me
to withhold my seed.

You think that's going to work?

Oh, yeah, I can pretty
much sell her anything

if God's attached.

What is taking so long?

Cheryl, it's a sperm count,
not a meat loaf.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

(LAUGHS) This is funny.
What?

Well, it says here that...

You know, this operation
isn't 100% effective.

Hmm.

But it'll be fine.

God willing.

Okay, sorry to keep you,

but I have your results
right here.

And? Well,
everything looks good.

Your sperm count
is very low. Well!

CHERYL: Great!

What?

You now have a nice
low sperm count.

I heard you the first time.

What is wrong with you?
This was supposed to happen.

No, no, I demand a recount!

Give me a cup and the keys
to the fun room. Come on.

Jim!

Sir, sir, these results
are highly accurate

and consistent
with your vasectomy.

See? Low sperm count...

Stop saying that!

Jim!
What?

Why are you acting like this?
This is what we wanted.

No, I can't have
a low sperm count!

You get a vasectomy,
you get a low sperm count.

No, but it's impossible!

The only way it's impossible
is if you didn't get a vasectomy.

Oh, my god.

You didn't get it.

You've been lying to me
this whole time?

Well, I was...
(GROANS)

Cheryl, Cheryl...
No, no, Jim.

When were you going
to tell me the truth,

after the birth
of our fourth child?

I don't think
there'll be a fourth child.

You've got a low sperm count...

Okay, now I'm going
to kick your ass!

Hi.
Hey.

I am so sorry to make you
leave work to be down here.

Oh, please, Jim lied to you
about getting a vasectomy.

This is going to be the
mother of all trash sessions.

I am so angry I don't even
know what to do about it.

Mmm.
Thank you.

Oh, you're cake angry.

You didn't sound
cake angry on the phone.

Why do we even bother making
these great big life decisions together

if he's just going
to ignore everything?

Hey, sweetie!

You should see
how he's milking this.

It's like he's constantly
complaining about being in pain

from an operation
he never even had.

And who has the cutest
little apple cheeks?

Yes, you do.
Yes, you do. Dana!

Sorry.

I mean, he and I agreed we don't
want another pregnancy scare.

We agreed! It's like
he just can't be trusted!

Oh! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!

You know what I think?

That you might want
to have another baby?

Where did that come from?

Cheryl, look at you.

You're going crazy for a
kid you don't even know.

What are you talking about?

Oh, please, you...
(BABY SQUEALS)

You're ovaries are ringing
like church bells.

That is not...
That is not true.

(STAMMERS) I know
you think you know me,

but I don't want another baby.

I don't want another Little
miracle to hold. (CRYING)

I do, I do! I want a baby!

I do!

Cheryl, don't cry.

If you're going to cry
for anyone, cry for me.

I'm the one who might have to
baby-sit a fourth kid for free someday.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I'm going to go talk to Jim.

Okay.

Thank god I'm married to the
least reliable man in the world.

(SQUEALS)

I could have a little cutie like
you, but instead I have a career.

It's fulfilling.
It really is.

Hey! You're not
better than me!

(PLAYING BLUES ON HARMONICA)

Hey.

Hey.

Where are the kids?

Oh, they're okay.
Don't worry about them.

They're fed and homework's
done, and they had their baths.

Wow. You did all that?

No, Andy did.

They're all over at his place.

We need to talk.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, let me
get this out first, okay?

I want to tell you why I
didn't get the vasectomy.

No, no, it's not important.

No, no, no, no,
it is really important.

It really is, and I want
to tell you, I mean.

I was going to tell you when
I got out of the doctor's office,

but you were just
so damn proud of me, and...

I mean, it was like you put me up
on a pedestal, and you know me,

I like being up on a pedestal.

(STAMMERING)
Cheryl, I just...

I don't know.

When that...
I panicked.

When that doctor came toward me,

I just started thinking that,

you know, my knees are bad,

I'm losing my hair,
I got this gut.

I mean, sure,
my ass turns heads,

but how long
is that going to last?

I don't know.

I know this
may sound stupid to you,

but...

It's all I got left!

You know,
it's what makes me a man,

and I am just not willing
to give that up.

Honey, I don't want
you to give it up.

What?

(SIGHS)

(STAMMERING)

I think I might
want another baby.

You're serious!

Yeah.
I mean, not right now,

but I just don't think I
want to close that door yet.

(CHUCKLING) Didn't
you hear that lab guy?

That door has been closed,
locked, and sealed.

Honey, if this is
something we want to do,

there are ways
to raise your sperm count.

Is this something
you want to do?

Well, Cheryl, I mean...

Wow, another kid?

That would...
Make it...

Four.

And we already have...

Three.

Yeah, I know, Jim.
I was there.

Well, I do like you.

You're really cute.

(CHUCKLES)

We get along.

You do make beautiful babies.

Well, you help.

Oh, come on, Cheryl, look
at me. You're the beauty part.

I'm the batter, you're the oven.

What do you say?

I don't know.

It's just that it's
the first time in seven years

we haven't had a baby
in this house.

Let's do it.

Really?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, you do
most of the work anyway.

I mean, all I gotta do
is just learn another name.

Oh, honey!

We're going to make a baby.

Well, we're going to try.
It might not happen,

but I sure do like
the trying part.

Hey, you want to try some of
that spontaneous lovin' right now?

Yes! Let's go
to the movies!

Ok, no, no, no.

What? Let's just
go to the bedroom.

What's so spontaneous
about the bedroom?

We're not going to
make it to the bed.

Oh...

(LAUGHS)
Hot, hot.

I'm gonna get the camera.

No, no, no, no, no.

Too spontaneous.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough.

Mmm...