According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 28 - The Swimming Pool - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Oh, my God, this heat!

When is Jim gonna be done
fixing the air conditioner?

Oh, soon, I hope.

Mommy, is this
what hell is like?

No, honey, there's
no popsicles there.

Oh, man, whew!

All right.

No worries. The AC is
fixed. We're in business.

Oh!
GIRLS: Yay!

Get ready to be cool.

Here we go.



(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Oh, damn circuit breaker.

Oh, no, Jim, fix it.

God, somebody light a fire.

Maybe the flames
will create a breeze.

Come on. Can't we just get
a new air conditioning unit?

Yes, why don't we?
And while we're at it,

why don't we get
a brand new house?

Can we live by the lake?

Yes, and we'll have a butler,

and you'll ride dolphins
to school.

BOTH: Yay!

All right, you know what?
I'm starting to get worried.

These girls should be
getting sarcasm by now.



Okay, you guys, plan B.

Let's all head over to my house.

I got a brand new AC
unit, four zones. Oh.

You could hang meat in there.

Uh, plan C.

I took parts out
of yours to fix mine.

And they, uh, kind of melted.

Oh!

That's funny, you know,
they're not interchangeable.

Well, no harm, no foul.

No, no, no, Jim,
giant, stinky foul.

I need my central air.
I'm a husky guy.

I chafe.

You guys are a bunch of wimps.

In my day, air conditioning
was jumping on the family car,

holding on to the luggage
rack, and ducking for bridges.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot about your summer
vacations with the Flintstones.

Oh, come on.

All right.
I can't take it anymore.

I'm going back
to my neighborhood,

where at least the guys
dressed like that are in love.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

You do look kind of gay.

Me? Look at you!

Get out!
Get out of here!

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

(SNORTING)

(SIGHING)

(EXHALES)

Oh, Jim, this is ridiculous.

I haven't slept in three days.

Come on, you got to take
us to a hotel or something.

(JIM WHOOPING)
Jim?

(WATER SPLASHING)

(JIM EXCLAIMS)

(GASPS) No, no, no, no, no, no!

JIM: Whoo-hoo!

Jim, what are you doing?

I'm doing the backstroke.

Want to see my butterfly?

No. Get out of there.
That's not our pool.

Come on, the Egans are
gone for at least a week.

It's the least they can do.

We're picking up their mail.

We? I'm bringing in
their mail.

The only thing you
ever did for them

is hose off their house
after you threw an egg at it.

I did not throw an egg
at their house.

I threw it at the wind chimes

'cause those gentle tones
were really pissing me off!

Lois and Dutch asked me
to bring in their mail

because I have a reputation
as a very reliable person.

Yes, and I am
the neighborhood scamp.

Care to join me?

Come on.

The Egans never said
we could use their pool.

They never said we couldn't.

Look, if they knew
how hot it was,

they would've insisted
that we swim.

You know what
a great guy Butch is.

Dutch.

Butch, Dutch.

I don't know, those Irish
names all sound alike to me.

(SIGHS)

Care to join me?

Jump in.

(GASPS) Oh.

Yeah. Refreshing, huh?

Oh. Your body will thank you,

and then I'll thank you,
if you know what I'm saying.

I always know
what you're saying.

Come on, we're not
hurting anybody.

I don't want anything to
do with this. This is wrong.

That's what makes it so right.

(GASPS)

(EXCLAIMS)
That feels so cool.

You know what else feels cool?

Doing the right thing.
Oh.

Which is why I'm going
home and going to bed,

which is exactly
what you should do.

JIM: Cheryl, telegram.

Oh!

Told you I'm
the neighborhood scamp.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Who wants medium rare?
I got medium here.

Hey, give me that, come on.

Here, come on, take it.
That's it, oh!

(JIM LAUGHING)

Here you go, Joey.
(TURNS OFF MUSIC)

Hey! What's
with the music?

Hey, Cheryl, come
on in. We got shrimp.

Hit me high, baby.

This is fun.

I feel just like
a trainer at SeaWorld.

Hmm, tail.

What is going on here?

What? What do you
mean? It's a pool party.

Hey, get ready to jump
onto my shoulders.

We're gonna have
chicken fights in 10 minutes.

No!

No, all these people
have got to get out.

Cheryl, why would
you have a pool

if you weren't going to
invite your friends?

Because it's not your pool.

Oh, please.

Hey, Cheryl, do the
Egans get Vanity Fair?

I already read their InStyle.

And credit card statement.

Boy, can they
suck down the hooch.

This is totally out of control.

What? Where are you
getting that from?

Hey, hey, who ordered a keg?

Right here. Uh,
yeah, that's the keg.

Put it over by the
ping-pong table. Thanks.

Hey, you'll have a
draft. You'll love it.

Here's your soda.

Wait, where'd you get those?

In the house. We crawled
through the doggy door.

All right, everybody,
listen up! This stops now!

(SILENCE)

(CHATTERING RESUMES)

You are too much!

Cheryl, you got
to loosen up, man.

Really, don't worry about it.

We'll clean up and
replace everything we use.

Hey, Cheryl, could
you do my back?

Jim, that's not even the point.

I mean, what are you
teaching the girls?

How are they gonna learn
respect for other people's property?

Oh, will you get out?

Cheryl, the girls aren't
gonna remember this.

They're kids, they're stupid.

They don't even know
what I do for a living.

Yeah, come on,
let them have fun.

Let us have fun.

Either come in
and swim or go home.

Yeah.

BOTH: Cannonball!

(SCREAMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, come on,
Commissioner Fun Kill,

lighten up.
Have some fun.

Put the badge in the
drawer for the day, will you?

Look at me.
I'm a movie star.

And I'm her sister, Ruby.

Wait, that's Lois Egan's
mink stole.

I didn't tell them
they could do that.

You didn't tell us we couldn't.

And they're not influenced
by any of this, huh?

(SIGHS) All right.

I get it.
Girls, go on.

Go back in the house.
Put it back.

Put it back, come on.
Hurry up.

Thank you.

All right, everybody,
out of the pool.

Let's go. Let's go,
everybody out.

(ALL MURMURING
IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Hey, how about one chicken fight

while they're in
the house? No! No!

Oh, damn, 95 degrees
at 7:30 in the morning.

Oh!

Who wants a hug?

Ew!

(GROANS)

You.
Back off.

You know, as soon
as the kids go to school,

we can sneak off
to the Egans' pool.

Nobody is going in
that pool. Forget it.

Cheryl, that's the whole
reason I came over here.

Well, I'm sorry.

(GASPS) Ooh, oh, oh.

Ah!

Refreshing.

And the cold cuts the funk.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Yeah, that's my shirt.

Please, it never
looked this good on you.

You don't have a tenth
of the bod I have.

I have exactly a tenth
of the bod you have.

All right, all right.

On that note, I'm going over
to water the Egans' plants.

I hope you guys cleaned
up after your party.

They'll never know
we were there.

Oh, yeah, the pool house
toilet just backed itself up.

All right, I found the part
for the air conditioner.

Hey!
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

They put it on a boat
from Thailand.

It'll be here
in less than a month.

ALL: No!

Oh, gee, if only there
was some alternate way

that we could cool off.

Wouldn't it be great if the
answer was as close as next door?

Do you mean a rectangular answer

filled with shimmering
liquid relief?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, don't
even think about it.

I don't care how hot it gets,

nobody is going in that pool.

Oh.
Oh.

Well, I'm sorry, but somebody
has to be the grown-up around here.

Hey, Cheryl, is it
any cooler up there?

Where?
On your high horse.

(LAUGHING) Very good.

Girls, did Daddy talk
to you about yesterday?

Of course I did.
I'm a grown-up, too.

Go ahead, tell Mommy
what I taught you. Go on.

We always have
to have permission

to use other people's
stuff. That's right.

Even if it's really, really hot,

and they would never,
ever find out.

Pretty grown-up, huh?
Proud of you girls.

Okay, here, go turn
on Daddy's truck

and get
the air conditioner going.

Well, looks like it's
time for the Andyman

to get a short-cicle.

Oh, okay, no, no, no.

(IMITATING ANDY) "Yeah,
sure we cleaned everything up.

"They'll never know
we were here."

Jackass.

Oh, yeah, Mama like!

JIM: All right,
girls, come on.

We're gonna go to an air
conditioned movie theater

because someone wouldn't
let us use the P-O-O-L.

Daddy, we know
that spells "pool."

And you are the smartest
girl in the whole world.

Ooh, that's sarcasm, right?

Very good.
I like these girls.

You sure you don't
want to join us?

No, no, honey, I'd love to,

but I've got so much work to do.

So, you guys have fun.
All right.

Sweat it off. I'll be
here, you know, working.

(LAUGHS)

(SCATTING)

Where you going?

Oh, um...

(STUTTERING) I was just gonna
put this swim stuff in the garage

'cause you know Jim.
No willpower.

Garage is that way.

I know.

You need a sun hat
to put swim stuff away?

Well...

And a swimsuit?

And a wax?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that sunscreen?

Oh, um...

Wait a minute.

You are going over to
swim at the Egans' pool.

Oh!
(STUTTERS)

(SIGHS) Screw it.
It's too hot to lie.

Yes, I'm going swimming
because I'm the oldest,

and I can do whatever
I want. Happy?

No, Cheryl, no, I'm not happy.

Not happy about the example

you're setting for
our nieces and nephew.

They deserve better.

All right, well, you can stand
there in sweaty judgment of me,

or we can all go swimming.

Great!

We're wearing
our swimsuits already.

And we waxed.
Yeah.

Oh. But not a word
to Jim.

Hey, you don't bring up the wax,

we won't bring up the swim.

Oh. Oh!

Andy, you're late again. That's
three days in a row. Where you been?

Oh, here and there.

What you been doing?

Oh, this and that.

(SNIFFING)

What's that funny smell?

Jim, it's 100 degrees outside.

And my funny smells
are just beginning.

What's with your eyes?

Uh, nothing.

Baby blue, just...
Just like always.

No, no, no.

No, no, no,
they're all bloodshot.

You've been late for three
days. What's going on here?

All right, Jim, you were
gonna find out sooner or later.

I've been drinking my breakfast.

No, that doesn't smell
like alcohol.

Smells like...

(SNIFFING) Chlorine.

Yeah, yeah,
it's pretty bad, Jim.

Uh, I... I've been
drinking chlorine.

Friend of mine, he
turned me on to it.

You know, you
can't stop once you...

Andy.

Fine, I've been swimming
down at the Egans' pool.

Alone?

No, no, but it...
It's not my fault, Jim.

Somebody made me do it.

She threatened me not to tell.

It's one of my sisters, and
you're sleeping with her.

Cheryl?

Why was that a question?

JIM: Honey, I'm home.

(GASPING)

Hey.
Hey.

Well, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be at work.

I know, I just kind of
wanted to hang out at home

and be with you.
Oh!

Just you and me
together all day.

All day?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, won't that be fun?

Uh-huh.

Wait!

That's not man's work.

You know what would
make this day extra special?

Hmm?

If you went and picked
up lunch at Stevie B's.

Stevie B's ribs?

Oh, you know how I
like all-meat meals.

All right.
But you know what?

Stevie B's is
all the way across town.

It's gonna take me
at least an hour

to go there and come back.

I'm good with that.

Oh, well...

I mean...
I mean, honey,

every second away
from you is an eternity.

But a special lunch like that

would certainly deserve
a special dessert,

if you know what I'm saying.

I always know
what you're saying.

Sex, right?

Okay.

Yes!
To Stevie B's!

(GASPING)

Cheryl?
Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
I didn't mean to scare you.

No, no.

I... I just forgot
to ask you,

do you want spicy or mild
barbecue sauce on your ribs?

Oh, I don't care. You
know, whatever takes longer.

I got you.

Oh, what are you looking for?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing, huh?
Are you sure?

Mmm-hmm.
Hmm.

You think it could be this?

No.

Jim, Jim, it's not funny.

It's funny to me.

But, of course, I'm
not the grown-up here.

Are you through?

Everything except
for my evil laugh.

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

Jim, you're burning daylight!

The Egans are gonna be
home tonight.

Come on, I just
need one more swim.

One more swim?
Just one more.

Just one more swim?

And then what? Another
pool and then another?

When's it gonna end, Cheryl?

Tell me. Admit it,
you're out of control.

Oh, my God, Jim, you're right.

You're right.

I don't deserve you.

(SNIFFLES)

Would you hold me?

Come here, baby.

(CRYING) Ha!

I'm going over there,

and there's nothing
you can do to stop me!

All right.

I mean it!

Fine, go ahead.
Have fun.

I will!
Go on.

Oh, man.

(SIGHS)

If you're okay with this,
it must be really bad.

(LAUGHS)

Jim, what am I doing?

I... I can't stop going
to that pool.

I am out of control.

Oh, come on, Cheryl.
Jim...

I murdered a floaty froggy

and hid the body
in the dishwasher.

You are out of control,
and you want to know why?

'Cause I'm awful?
Yes.

You are awful at being bad.

You're too perfect.

Look, you've got to be a
little bad once in a while.

Look what it did for me.
I mean, look at me.

Look how much younger
I look than my age.

Jim, we can't
just tell the kids,

"It's okay to be a little
bad once in a while."

Of course not.
Right.

We don't tell them anything.

That's the great thing
about being parents.

You can do whatever you want

as long as you got
a good cover story.

That's not in any
of the books I read.

Of course not. You
read those parent books.

Did you take the day off
just to bust me?

I took the day off

so I could go swimming
with my bad, bad wife.

I am gonna go get my trunks.

Oh, no, you don't.

Bad boys don't wear trunks...

If you know what I'm saying.

Of course I do.

Naked, right?

Yes, Jim.
Oh, yeah!

(GROWLS)
(LAUGHS)

I'm a love shark,
and I see a sexy surfer.

I hope he doesn't get me.

Oh, I'll get you.

Come here, come here.

I got you.

Lois.

Butch.

Dutch.
Dutch.

So, how was the trip?